Original subtitles

Okay, Enid, work with me here. Pull it in.

Pull in your talons. We're almost there.

See? I told you I was a four.

No. "Fore" is what you'll have to yell when the shoe pops off your foot.

Now...

...are we finished here?

Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.

I'll tell you what I'll do then:

We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you.

When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you...

...you yell, "Moo" and I'll stop.

That's it. I'm taking my business elsewhere.

May I suggest Jenny Craig?

So how much do you figure you owe this store in commissions?

I'm not selling shoes for the money, Aaron.

I'm in it to torture fat women.

-Where have you been? -To buy you a birthday present. Here.

It's Hot Dog... The Movie.

I'd prefer hot dog, the hot dog.

-That's due back at 10 a.m. tomorrow. -Yeah, I know how it feels.

At least you didn't sing "Happy Birthday" to me. I hate that.

Nothing to do but stand like an idiot till the damn thing's finished.

I hope I get through the day without someone singing it.

-Hey, Aaron. -Hey, Mr. D'Arcy.

Anyway, Marcie and I just wanted to wish you many happy returns.

Actually, Marcie wanted to wish...

...that you get caught downwind from your own feet and die...

...but I wanted to wish you many happy returns.

Well, thanks, Jefferson. Oh, and if you see the wife, floor it.

Here you are, buddy. Happy birthday.

-What's this? -It's a car-wash coupon.

Thanks, but you know they won't let me go through the car wash in the Dodge.

Not a regular wash, Al.

This is a topless car wash.

"Soapy Headlights:

Where only the cars wear bras."

And it's conveniently located just 70 miles out of town...

...at the end of a long dirt road.

But I don't understand.

Both of you are married. Can't you just look at your wives topless?

-Have you seen his wife? -Have you seen his wife?

Let me explain. When you've been married as long as I have...

...you do not want to see your wife topless.

Speechless, maybe. Headless, naturally.

But never, ever topless.

Come on, Al. Marcie's car could use a good buffing.

As could I. Come on, let's go now.

I can't. I promised I'd go home for my birthday party.

That's where the kids are gonna give me God-awful presents.

Sometimes I think that there actually might be a store out there...

...with presents just for me that's named "God-awful."

The topper is, Peg's probably gonna make me a cake as only she can.

The topper is, Peg's probably gonna make me a cake as only she can.

Cake looks good this year. What kind is it?

Well, it's either chocolate or Uncle Ben's Minute Rice.

-Now, do we have any candles? -Nope.

Dad said no candles this year, because of last year's little mishap.

Hey, I just thought that Roman candles meant that they were imported.

You know, from Romani.

It's amazing. Dad's looks and Buck's brains.

At least I've never tried to date one of my plastic toys.

What did you get Dad this year, Mom?

Well, I was in the mall and there it was.

There's this new photography studio called "Sex You Up"...

...and they specialize in boudoir photos.

You know, where they, like, lay you on a bed and dress you up real sexy.

Oh, you mean like the picture on Kelly's driver's license?

That may be, but I've never gotten a ticket, now, have I?

Gee, I hope I did the right thing.

He said what he really wanted was an oil filter.

But what's he gonna do with a silly thing like an oil filter?

Daddy's home.

Is it him?

I can't tell. It's either Daddy or there's a new pope.

Shut up!

Well, let's get this charade over with. Where's my cardboard cake?

It's over on the table, Dad.

Anybody wanna light the dog? I'll make a wish.

Well, wait, Daddy, you gotta open your presents first.

"God-awful." I knew it!

I really think you're gonna love this, Daddy.

Happy birthday, Dad.

Two of something I don't want.

That's the second time that's happened.

Well, we can exchange them for you, Dad.

Okay, but I don't know what good it's gonna do.

Excuse us.

We can't be related.

So, what did you get me this year, Peg? My usual get-out-of-sex-free card?

No, honey.

This year I got you something really special.

Now, I'm a little nervous about this.

Happy birthday, Al.

Oh, Peg!

-You like it? -I love it.

Who is she?

It's me.

Now, come on, honey.

Tell me what you really think.

Well, I think you look--

WIFE-O-METER

I think you look--

A: OLD

CONSEQUENCES: GROIN PULL. POSSIBLE HEAD TRAUMA.

B: GOOD AFTER TEN BEERS

CONSEQUENCES: GROIN PULL. DEFINITE HEAD TRAUMA.

C: BEAUTIFUL

CONSEQUENCES: GROIN PULL...

AFTER FAILURE TO KEEP STRAIGHT FACE.

D: NICE

CONSEQUENCES: MEANINGLESS COMPLIMENT ACCEPTED.

CONSEQUENCES: MEANINGLESS MARRIAGE CONTINUES.

--nice.

Oh, Al.

Oh, now, Peg, please don't touch me on my birthday.

I want you to take this to work with you and hang it up...

...so I can be with you all day long.

That kind of defeats the purpose of going to work, doesn't it?

No more than your paycheck does.

Oh, I'm just kidding, you big birthday lug, you.

Now, I'm gonna put this right here so you can remember to take it with you.

I'm not taking it!

It's my birthday. I'm putting my foot down.

It's my birthday. I'm putting my foot down.

So, what's wrong with it?

I think she looks...

...nice.

It's not the point.

You know why women want men to hang their pictures?

-So we appreciate-- -No!

It's to mark their territory.

Are you sure you don't want that picture up there...

...so other guys can't see how good she looks?

Oh, yeah, that's it.

You see, Aaron, I've been married to Peg for over 20 years.

I've seen her from the front I've seen her from the back

I've seen her in a chair I've seen her in a sack

I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch

I've seen her on our stupid couch

I do not like her in the mall I do not like her in the hall

I do not like her in my life I do not like my big red wife

You're single. You don't understand.

Married men are never jealous of their wives.

That picture could be all over town. Wouldn't mean a hill of beans to me.

They could put it on the side of a milk carton.

They could put it on the side of the Sears Tower.

"Sex You Up" PHOTO BOUTIQUE

They could even put it on the side of--

Great Caesar's ghost!

I'd do her.

Oh, you're a guy with high standards. You'd do Marcie.

Jefferson, I gotta get them to get that sign down.

-How come? -He's jealous.

I'm not jealous. I respect other men's rights not to turn to stone...

...in front of my store, that's all.

Jefferson, I want-- Will you stop leering at my wife!

I'm sorry.

You're good at talking to people.

You talked Marcie into believing you married her for her looks.

Go to that photographer and get him to take that sign down.

Maybe I can get him to replace it with this:

A picture I took of the girls at the topless car wash.

-Where's your car? -Oh, I took the bus over there.

As long as I went...as I went through it...

...they didn't know the difference.

-Get out. -Okay.

It's very important that sign come down before Peg sees it.

I want you to go outside and look for her and yell when you see her.

No, not her picture! Not her picture! Her!

Hi, Al. Did you see it?

Yes, Peg, I saw it. Ray Charles would see it.

But why is it up there?

The photographer asked to use one of my shots...

...to advertise his business.

I just didn't think he was gonna make it that--

Shamu-lian?

Well, I was gonna say "gorgeous."

Kids, what do you think?

Well, I think you look...

...nice.

You could see her from space.

You would know.

Dad, we'd love to hang around and share your proudest moment...

...but anything just came up and we gotta go.

Oh, wait. But before we do...

...we want to apologize for yesterday's birthday boo-boo.

It's all fixed now. Here you go.

Kids, come here. Come here.

Get out.

-Bye, Dad. -Happy birthday.

Now, Peg, I haven't asked for much and God knows I've gotten it.

But I think the picture ought to come down. Now, I like it myself...

...but some people have been complaining about it.

Excuse me, miss.

Hope I'm not too forward...

...but you are truly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.

And now that I see you in person, that photograph doesn't do you justice.

It's been a pleasure to bask in your presence.

Good day.

See, Peg, I told you that people were complaining.

You know what I think, Al?

I think you're jealous.

Jealous, Peg? I'll tell you what I'm jealous of.

I'm jealous of any man who can come home to a cold beer and a warm meal...

...and a wife somewhat smaller...

...than the Bullwinkle balloon in the Macy's Day Parade.

But if you think for one second that I'm jealous of that picture...

...you're out of your 9-foot mind!

Boy, I'd love to put the top down and test-drive that for a weekend.

Yeah, nice little air bags too.

Excuse me, Peg.

With this jealousy garbage out of the way, that picture comes down.

Aaron, get a blowtorch.

Only if you'll admit that you're jealous.

I'm not jealous!

Fine. Then you won't mind if it stays.

If it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother me...

...other than the low-grade nausea.

All right then. I'll be seeing you.

And you'll certainly be seeing me.

Why can't you ever say nice things like that?

Why don't you just tell your wife you're jealous and get it over with?

Aaron, let me explain something to you.

You don't know anything.

Even if a man is jealous, he can never, ever tell that to a woman.

Well, that's like saying, "Here's a hand grenade. Put it down my pants."

Once they know you're jealous, they've got you by your Bobbitt.

You will have lost your last ounce of dignity.

And like the once mighty mahi-mahi...

...you will end up on a pupu platter in the tiki hut of life.

Any questions?

-Do you want to lay down for a while? -No!

I don't have time to lie down. Gotta get that picture down.

I know Jefferson can do it. He can con anybody.

Hey, Al, guess what.

The "Sex You Up" photographer...

...said I've got the best cheekbones this side of Rob and Fab of Milli Vanilli.

He's giving me a thousand headshots for half price...

...and I'm not giving any of them away.

I know now what I have to do:

Truly go where no man has gone before.

Truly go where no man has gone before.

F.A.N.G.

FEMINISTS AGAINST NEANDERTHAL GUYS

Fellow Fangsters.

I come before you this evening not as a man...

...but as a friend who understands the plight of today's feminist.

True, we have had our differences in the past...

...but I have seen the light...

...and luckily, there's not too much in here.

But to prove to you that I have changed...

...I would like to extend an olive branch of peace.

A symbol of truce.

You ladies would recognize them as mustache combs.

Everyone gets one. Everyone gets one.

Anyway, ladies.

We prefer to be called "Gyno-Americans."

Then "Rhino-Americans" it is.

Anyway, a grave injustice...

...has been going on down at the New Market Mall.

A real woman's body is being exploited...

...by men for profit.

Hang on to your flannel panties...

...there's still time to act.

I want every "gynoceros" in this room...

...to charge down to the New Market Mall...

...and stop this dastardly deed.

Show them, as only you can...

...that a woman's body is not to be appreciated...

...but to be feared, reviled.

And in the case of most of you, kept totally covered at all times.

Hurry, my sisters, down to the mall, but remember...

...not more than three in the elevator at one time.

What our hunting-and-gathering friend here is trying to say...

...is that we have important work to do.

We must strike a blow...

...for all women.

This cannot be a slap...

...on the wrist.

It must be a punch...

...in the labonza to all oppressors.

And thank you for bringing this to our attention, Al.

You're welcome.

Skin him.

And in other news...

...crazed feminists charged the New Market Mall...

...and pulled down an oversized boudoir photo they deemed sexist...

...after storming into a photographer's studio...

...where local man Jefferson D'Arcy...

...was allegedly posing nude on a bearskin rug.

Mr. D'Arcy was dragged by an unnamed body part...

...and flung into the mall fountain by the howling women.

Women. Can't live with them, can't herd them all into Canada.

Al, did you have anything to do with those women taking down my picture?

Peg, on your mother's life, no.

If it's anything I hate, it's women's bodies being exploited.

It has to stop for all our sakes.

How very liberated of you.

-Where you going? -To get the car washed.

Dad.

Happy birthday.

Let me guess.

Pants.

Look like these?

Mine kind of do.

I told you he had pants.

-You didn't tell me he had gray ones. -Yes. I've seen him wear pants before.