Original subtitles

God, men are stupid.

And then there's Al.

I can't believe he is really at the park playing football...

...with Aaron and a bunch of college boys.

Well, why? He says he's in shape.

Oh, please. If Al didn't have to bend over to steal our paper every morning...

...he wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Yeah, but, you know, in Al's defense, football has always meant a lot to him.

In fact, it's the only time he can still go deep.

Besides, what could go wrong?

Mrs. Bundy, something's gone wrong.

It's your husband's back.

For the last time, I tell you, I'm fine. I'm fine, I tell you!

Easy, now.

-Wait a minute! Wait a minute! -Why, is the pain too much?

No, I see a nickel.

All right, get me on the couch.

Football is so stupid.

Why don't you men do something positive with your free time?

Do you know what my women's group and I were doing this morning?

Having "This side up" mowed into the hair on their chests?

No. Actually, we were at an environmental seminar...

...discussing ways to save the nation's topsoil.

And I can see by the back of your neck here...

...that you've already done more than your part.

How bad is it, Aaron?

We took him to my doctor.

He says all Mr. Bundy needs is a minor operation.

They make this little circular incision in his lower back...

...ease the pressure off his spine, and he's good as new.

Good going, crazy legs.

Now you need an operation.

I'm fine! Don't you see, I'm fine!

Fine? Fine for what, Al?

Starring in the circus as Bundo the Fiddler Crab Boy?

Ringing bells in a clock tower somewhere?

Granted, they're both higher-paying jobs than the one you have now.

But I would imagine that by the time you get home...

...you'd wanna be fully erect.

But then again....

You know, our coach taught us some great massage techniques for the back.

Yeah, you wanna give it a try?

Well, I don't mind--

Oh, there goes my back again.

Could you boys help me home and up the stairs...

...and into my bedroom and out of these uncomfortable clothes?

Well, sure. Only if it'll make you feel better.

Oh, it will. It will.

You boys like piña coladas?

Where you going, Peg?

I am calling the hospital about your operation.

Al...

...look at you.

-You have got to get this taken care of. -But I'm fine.

You are going to the hospital.

I am not going to the hos--

All I need is a hot shower and a little bit of rest.

You'll see, by tomorrow I'll be my old self.

Hello, operator.

I just have to get around this couch here.

I'd like the number of the hospital, please.

Up the stairs, wherever they are.

Which one? Oh, I don't know.

What's the cheapest one?

No, an ambulance won't be necessary.

A hearse may be good.

No, Marce.

"Men Who Leave Their Wives for IHOP Waitresses" is on Geraldo.

Al? He's been in surgery for about an hour now.

Look, ma'am, my wife has just given birth to triplets.

Well, congratulations. Who's the father?

So anyway, Al just keeps going on...

...about how something bad is gonna happen to him.

And I say, "Look, it's a simple operation.

What are the odds of something horrible happening to you?"

Excuse me, Mrs. Bundy, but something horrible has happened to your husband.

Marcie, can I call you back?

She says no, and can you speak louder?

There is some good news. He's alive.

Well, how alive? Can he walk?

Can he talk? Will he ever be able to work again?

He's a shoe salesman, Mrs. Bundy.

We could replace his brain with a sock of popcorn...

...he would still be able to work.

See, this was one of those...

...unfortunate accidents due to simple human error.

It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions.

It said to give him "a circular incision."

Yeah. So how could you misread that?

We gave him a circumcision.

Oh, dear.

Where is he?

That's the other thing.

Just when you thought all the disasters that could happen to Dad...

-...have happened to Dad.... -Yeah, circumcision.

And we thought he was in a mood when they cut his hair too short.

Now we can't even tell him it'll grow back.

Can we?

Yeah, why not? We lied about his hair.

I just hope we got all Dad's magazines.

Mom said it was important to get rid of anything that could turn Dad on...

...before he's had a chance to heal.

Wow, 30 days without sex. What's that like?

Thirty days is nothing. I mean, I've gone as f--

Well, I don't know.

What was that?

-Dad. -Dad.

They're rounding the corner up the street. Hurry up with those.

What about this People?

-Who's on the cover? -It's Ross Perot.

Hide it. Dad said that his ears look like tiny hooters.

Dad is sick.

Okay, where are they now?

They're about to go over the hump at the intersection.

And now the three small potholes in front of the McGinty's.

And now the big one.

Hurry before they get in the driveway.

-You think Mom's gonna hit the curb? -No.

Oh, sweet baby Jane.

-I'm ready. Where should I put them? -In the basement.

Okay. Wait a sec. How do you know Dad won't go down here?

Because we never fixed the step.

Here they come.

Well, Mr. Grumpy's home.

Just a small word of warning.

Anyone who says, "What's up?" goes down.

It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it.

It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it.

It certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.

But then again, I've been asking for years.

-Is that you, son? -Yeah, Dad. What's up?

Any other questions?

Yeah. So how's your...?

Your back?

Fine. Not that they did anything to it, but....

For some odd reason I feel less concerned about it.

Peg, would you have any idea why I'd feel less concerned about it?

I do, I do.

-Pumpkin? -Because you're in so much more pain...

...from the circumcision.

Correct. And while we're on that subject, does anyone know...

...why such a wacky thing could have happened to Daddy in the first place?

Pumpkin?

Because Mommy made you go to the hospital?

Close, sweetheart.

Mommy married Daddy first, then made him go to the hospital.

Son, you've come to just in time, because here's something really funny.

Did you know that Daddy's nurse...

...was a fat woman who used to come to his shoe store?

I say "used to" because her patronage fell off one day when she asked...

...for something to make her foot look small, and I said, "Try your ass."

She remembered.

And we laughed.

Then she picked up a catheter the size of a boa constrictor and charged.

And all of a sudden...

...for just a brief moment in a land far away...

...there was Abraham, Martin and Al...

-...saying if it wasn't for the wife-- -Al.

I am very, very sorry about this.

And if there's anything I can do--

Swim the deepest ocean...

...climb the highest mountain. --just tell me and I'll do it.

How about a sandwich?

A sandwich?

Now?

Kids, did Daddy tell you he got some stitches?

Okay. Okay. I'll make you a sandwich.

Thank you.

Now, it's over, as far as I'm concerned.

Everything is back to normal.

What?

Well, how much did they cut off, Dad?

No, Kelly.

It's just that he won't be able to wear anything tight for a while.

So I brought him something of Grandma's.

Fortunately, all I needed was the sleeve. I sent the rest back.

And by the way, I don't want anyone talking about this, Peg.

Especially you.

Oh, come on, Al. I'm as embarrassed about this as you are.

Besides, who would I tell?

Hey, stubby.

We heard about what happened, so we got you a card.

I talked her out of the "Ask me about my circumcision" bumper sticker.

We heard about your little loss We know you'll make it through

Because thankfully the part they took Was of no use to you

And though they took More than you'd like

The good luck is, you see

Another quarter inch'd been A full lobotomy

P.S.:

Kids, a lesson.

Whenever you receive a card like this...

...it must be answered immediately by a thank-you note.

So would you please go key one in the side of Marcie's car for Daddy?

Sure, Dad.

Whoa, whoa. Now, wait a second here.

You guys know that Marcie's is the red Beemer, right?

-Come on, we know. -Mr. D'Arcy, we wouldn't do that to you.

Okay. Go to it, then.

Cranky, huh, old buddy?

Well, I know exactly how you feel.

I had to get circumcised myself once.

-How'd you deal with the pain? -I don't know. I was only one day old.

So, what's up?

Oh, Marcie, I feel just awful about this.

The pain he must be in.

And it's all my fault.

Well, just do what you can to take his mind off it.

Well, I do.

It's just that for some reason, he cannot seem to let go of it.

I don't know what to do.

Well, just give it a few days.

Besides, I hear there are some benefits to having a circumcised man.

They're healthier, the sex is better...

-...they're less likely-- -Whoa.

-The sex is better? -For the woman.

Well, that's all I care about.

Go on.

Well, they say it lasts longer because the man is less sensitive.

Of course, you're gonna have to wait about a month to find out.

Hey, with Al I can do a month standing on my head.

Sometimes I have to.

Sometimes I like it.

Tonight our special report:

Thong bikinis of Rio.

Thong bikinis of Hawaii.

-Thong bikinis of the Caribbean. -It's sweeps month.

Gotta be something on that's dull and boring.

Tonight on National Geographic, stalking the wily prairie dog.

That's better.

But first, thong bikinis of the Serengeti.

Good one.

Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late.

But bingo was just a madhouse tonight.

So how's it going?

Horrible, Peg. Everything I see or hear is about sex.

Oh, Al, that's just your imagination.

There's plenty of other things going on.

Tell me about bingo.

Well, we overheard this couple going at it in the bathroom.

Don't know how they thought they could get away with it.

I mean, you could hear her a whole block away.

"Oh, Al." His name was Al too.

"Oh, Al." On and on.

What was that sound?

A stitch.

Well, it's time to get this couch reupholstered.

I'm really glad I'm home. I am so tired.

Peg. Do you mind?

Mind what?

When you shake your leg like that it--

It makes your boobies go back and forth.

Sorry.

Would you stop putting your finger in your mouth when you turn the page?

I always do that.

It's the first time I've looked at you.

All right, Al. I'll stop.

-What? -You're breathing in and out.

This is ridiculous.

I'm getting myself a snack and then I'm going to bed.

You know, your problem is, Al...

...you just can't allow yourself to think about anything else.

You know, read a book, watch a ball game.

You know, my life is miserable too, but you don't see me going nuts.

By the way, honey...

...do you want anything while I'm in here?

Al?

Al?

A shower?

This early?

Gee, it's only the 10th of the month.

Well, I don't like this, Marcie.

He's been in the garage past a month now...

...and I still can't get him to come out.

I mean, suppose something went wrong?

He was really starting to like those muumuus.

Yeah, well, suppose he's all well...

...and he just doesn't want me anymore?

Never mind.

You know, it did last longer.

And the best part is I didn't feel a thing.