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1
00:01:15,362 --> 00:01:17,531
God, men are stupid.
2
00:01:23,329 --> 00:01:25,498
And then there's Al.
3
00:01:25,963 --> 00:01:28,833
I can't believe he is really
at the park playing football...
4
00:01:28,998 --> 00:01:31,167
...with Aaron and a bunch
of college boys.
5
00:01:31,365 --> 00:01:33,600
Well, why? He says he's in shape.
6
00:01:34,165 --> 00:01:37,935
Oh, please. If Al didn't have to bend
over to steal our paper every morning...
7
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:40,368
...he wouldn't get any exercise at all.
8
00:01:41,733 --> 00:01:45,804
Yeah, but, you know, in Al's defense,
football has always meant a lot to him.
9
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:50,137
In fact, it's the only time
he can still go deep.
10
00:01:53,568 --> 00:01:55,737
Besides, what could go wrong?
11
00:01:56,202 --> 00:01:59,872
Mrs. Bundy, something's gone wrong.
12
00:02:00,235 --> 00:02:02,004
It's your husband's back.
13
00:02:02,202 --> 00:02:06,273
For the last time, I tell you, I'm fine.
I'm fine, I tell you!
14
00:02:07,270 --> 00:02:10,139
Easy, now.
15
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:21,742
-Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
-Why, is the pain too much?
16
00:02:21,939 --> 00:02:24,341
No, I see a nickel.
17
00:02:26,740 --> 00:02:29,543
All right, get me on the couch.
18
00:02:39,341 --> 00:02:41,911
Football is so stupid.
19
00:02:42,109 --> 00:02:45,612
Why don't you men do something
positive with your free time?
20
00:02:45,809 --> 00:02:48,778
Do you know what my women's group
and I were doing this morning?
21
00:02:48,976 --> 00:02:52,780
Having "This side up" mowed
into the hair on their chests?
22
00:02:54,744 --> 00:02:58,514
No. Actually, we were
at an environmental seminar...
23
00:02:58,710 --> 00:03:02,414
...discussing ways to save
the nation's topsoil.
24
00:03:02,878 --> 00:03:05,948
And I can see
by the back of your neck here...
25
00:03:06,145 --> 00:03:08,781
...that you've already done
more than your part.
26
00:03:09,379 --> 00:03:10,680
How bad is it, Aaron?
27
00:03:10,879 --> 00:03:12,147
We took him to my doctor.
28
00:03:12,313 --> 00:03:14,749
He says all Mr. Bundy needs
is a minor operation.
29
00:03:14,947 --> 00:03:17,750
They make this little circular incision
in his lower back...
30
00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:20,883
...ease the pressure off his spine,
and he's good as new.
31
00:03:21,281 --> 00:03:23,183
Good going, crazy legs.
32
00:03:23,382 --> 00:03:25,084
Now you need an operation.
33
00:03:25,282 --> 00:03:28,151
I'm fine! Don't you see, I'm fine!
34
00:03:29,216 --> 00:03:32,286
Fine? Fine for what, Al?
35
00:03:32,483 --> 00:03:36,787
Starring in the circus
as Bundo the Fiddler Crab Boy?
36
00:03:37,716 --> 00:03:41,387
Ringing bells in
a clock tower somewhere?
37
00:03:41,617 --> 00:03:45,955
Granted, they're both higher-paying
jobs than the one you have now.
38
00:03:46,151 --> 00:03:48,587
But I would imagine
that by the time you get home...
39
00:03:48,785 --> 00:03:51,221
...you'd wanna be fully erect.
40
00:03:53,119 --> 00:03:54,921
But then again....
41
00:03:56,519 --> 00:04:00,590
You know, our coach taught us some
great massage techniques for the back.
42
00:04:00,754 --> 00:04:02,189
Yeah, you wanna give it a try?
43
00:04:02,387 --> 00:04:04,022
Well, I don't mind--
44
00:04:07,321 --> 00:04:10,624
Oh, there goes my back again.
45
00:04:13,522 --> 00:04:16,325
Could you boys help me home
and up the stairs...
46
00:04:16,522 --> 00:04:20,293
...and into my bedroom and out
of these uncomfortable clothes?
47
00:04:20,490 --> 00:04:22,959
Well, sure.
Only if it'll make you feel better.
48
00:04:23,157 --> 00:04:25,560
Oh, it will. It will.
49
00:04:25,924 --> 00:04:28,493
You boys like piña coladas?
50
00:04:32,826 --> 00:04:34,227
Where you going, Peg?
51
00:04:34,425 --> 00:04:38,096
I am calling the hospital
about your operation.
52
00:04:42,626 --> 00:04:44,028
Al...
53
00:04:44,227 --> 00:04:45,829
...look at you.
54
00:04:46,027 --> 00:04:49,764
-You have got to get this taken care of.
-But I'm fine.
55
00:04:49,961 --> 00:04:51,696
You are going to the hospital.
56
00:04:51,894 --> 00:04:54,363
I am not going to the hos--
57
00:04:56,162 --> 00:05:00,200
All I need is a hot shower
and a little bit of rest.
58
00:05:00,396 --> 00:05:03,332
You'll see, by tomorrow
I'll be my old self.
59
00:05:03,996 --> 00:05:05,932
Hello, operator.
60
00:05:06,130 --> 00:05:08,199
I just have to get around
this couch here.
61
00:05:08,397 --> 00:05:10,532
I'd like the number
of the hospital, please.
62
00:05:10,730 --> 00:05:13,733
Up the stairs, wherever they are.
63
00:05:13,932 --> 00:05:16,334
Which one? Oh, I don't know.
64
00:05:16,531 --> 00:05:18,700
What's the cheapest one?
65
00:05:24,133 --> 00:05:27,103
No, an ambulance
won't be necessary.
66
00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:29,735
A hearse may be good.
67
00:05:33,968 --> 00:05:35,236
No, Marce.
68
00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:40,539
"Men Who Leave Their Wives for
IHOP Waitresses" is on Geraldo.
69
00:05:41,769 --> 00:05:45,206
Al? He's been in surgery
for about an hour now.
70
00:05:45,969 --> 00:05:48,839
Look, ma'am, my wife
has just given birth to triplets.
71
00:05:49,170 --> 00:05:52,807
Well, congratulations.
Who's the father?
72
00:05:53,370 --> 00:05:55,439
So anyway, Al just keeps going on...
73
00:05:55,604 --> 00:05:57,873
...about how something bad
is gonna happen to him.
74
00:05:58,038 --> 00:06:00,574
And I say,
"Look, it's a simple operation.
75
00:06:00,772 --> 00:06:03,608
What are the odds of
something horrible happening to you?"
76
00:06:03,972 --> 00:06:07,976
Excuse me, Mrs. Bundy, but something
horrible has happened to your husband.
77
00:06:08,773 --> 00:06:11,375
Marcie, can I call you back?
78
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:15,009
She says no,
and can you speak louder?
79
00:06:15,373 --> 00:06:17,409
There is some good news. He's alive.
80
00:06:18,441 --> 00:06:20,844
Well, how alive? Can he walk?
81
00:06:21,042 --> 00:06:23,845
Can he talk?
Will he ever be able to work again?
82
00:06:24,808 --> 00:06:27,411
He's a shoe salesman,
Mrs. Bundy.
83
00:06:27,943 --> 00:06:30,445
We could replace his brain
with a sock of popcorn...
84
00:06:30,642 --> 00:06:32,744
...he would still be able to work.
85
00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,712
See, this was one of those...
86
00:06:35,910 --> 00:06:38,379
...unfortunate accidents
due to simple human error.
87
00:06:38,578 --> 00:06:41,848
It seems our surgical team misread
your doctor's instructions.
88
00:06:42,045 --> 00:06:44,147
It said to give him
"a circular incision."
89
00:06:45,045 --> 00:06:48,615
Yeah. So how
could you misread that?
90
00:06:49,612 --> 00:06:52,815
We gave him a circumcision.
91
00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:07,250
Oh, dear.
92
00:07:08,648 --> 00:07:10,517
Where is he?
93
00:07:10,949 --> 00:07:12,917
That's the other thing.
94
00:07:39,420 --> 00:07:42,490
Just when you thought all the disasters
that could happen to Dad...
95
00:07:42,653 --> 00:07:46,190
-...have happened to Dad....
-Yeah, circumcision.
96
00:07:46,454 --> 00:07:49,757
And we thought he was in a mood
when they cut his hair too short.
97
00:07:50,555 --> 00:07:53,125
Now we can't even tell him
it'll grow back.
98
00:07:54,455 --> 00:07:55,756
Can we?
99
00:07:57,123 --> 00:07:59,859
Yeah, why not?
We lied about his hair.
100
00:08:01,124 --> 00:08:03,025
I just hope we got
all Dad's magazines.
101
00:08:03,224 --> 00:08:06,727
Mom said it was important to get rid
of anything that could turn Dad on...
102
00:08:06,924 --> 00:08:09,127
...before he's had a chance to heal.
103
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:15,629
Wow, 30 days without sex.
What's that like?
104
00:08:16,226 --> 00:08:19,395
Thirty days is nothing.
I mean, I've gone as f--
105
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,229
Well, I don't know.
106
00:08:28,994 --> 00:08:30,596
What was that?
107
00:08:32,862 --> 00:08:34,163
-Dad.
-Dad.
108
00:08:34,328 --> 00:08:37,264
They're rounding the corner
up the street. Hurry up with those.
109
00:08:37,462 --> 00:08:38,763
What about this People?
110
00:08:38,963 --> 00:08:40,865
-Who's on the cover?
-It's Ross Perot.
111
00:08:41,063 --> 00:08:43,799
Hide it. Dad said
that his ears look like tiny hooters.
112
00:08:47,530 --> 00:08:49,365
Dad is sick.
113
00:08:57,799 --> 00:08:59,534
Okay, where are they now?
114
00:08:59,732 --> 00:09:03,035
They're about to go over the hump
at the intersection.
115
00:09:05,466 --> 00:09:08,803
And now the three small potholes
in front of the McGinty's.
116
00:09:10,134 --> 00:09:12,269
And now the big one.
117
00:09:14,601 --> 00:09:16,302
Hurry before they get
in the driveway.
118
00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:20,005
-You think Mom's gonna hit the curb?
-No.
119
00:09:20,169 --> 00:09:22,872
Oh, sweet baby Jane.
120
00:09:23,768 --> 00:09:27,439
-I'm ready. Where should I put them?
-In the basement.
121
00:09:27,636 --> 00:09:30,372
Okay. Wait a sec. How do you know
Dad won't go down here?
122
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,973
Because we never fixed the step.
123
00:09:36,404 --> 00:09:38,073
Here they come.
124
00:09:41,872 --> 00:09:45,609
Well, Mr. Grumpy's home.
125
00:09:55,341 --> 00:09:57,977
Just a small word of warning.
126
00:09:58,174 --> 00:10:01,210
Anyone who says,
"What's up?" goes down.
127
00:10:04,242 --> 00:10:06,978
It wasn't funny
when the doctor asked it.
128
00:10:07,408 --> 00:10:09,477
It wasn't funny
when the nurse asked it.
129
00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:12,678
It certainly wasn't funny
when your mother asked it.
130
00:10:13,077 --> 00:10:15,813
But then again,
I've been asking for years.
131
00:10:19,277 --> 00:10:23,181
-Is that you, son?
-Yeah, Dad. What's up?
132
00:10:27,079 --> 00:10:28,547
Any other questions?
133
00:10:29,446 --> 00:10:32,182
Yeah. So how's your...?
134
00:10:33,546 --> 00:10:35,348
Your back?
135
00:10:36,147 --> 00:10:40,184
Fine. Not that they did
anything to it, but....
136
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:44,017
For some odd reason
I feel less concerned about it.
137
00:10:46,414 --> 00:10:51,586
Peg, would you have any idea
why I'd feel less concerned about it?
138
00:10:53,549 --> 00:10:55,351
I do, I do.
139
00:10:56,283 --> 00:10:58,986
-Pumpkin?
-Because you're in so much more pain...
140
00:10:59,150 --> 00:11:01,585
...from the circumcision.
141
00:11:02,251 --> 00:11:05,888
Correct. And while we're
on that subject, does anyone know...
142
00:11:06,085 --> 00:11:09,555
...why such a wacky thing could have
happened to Daddy in the first place?
143
00:11:16,386 --> 00:11:17,654
Pumpkin?
144
00:11:17,820 --> 00:11:20,456
Because Mommy made you
go to the hospital?
145
00:11:20,653 --> 00:11:22,288
Close, sweetheart.
146
00:11:22,487 --> 00:11:26,825
Mommy married Daddy first,
then made him go to the hospital.
147
00:11:27,255 --> 00:11:31,692
Son, you've come to just in time,
because here's something really funny.
148
00:11:31,889 --> 00:11:33,524
Did you know that Daddy's nurse...
149
00:11:33,688 --> 00:11:36,892
...was a fat woman
who used to come to his shoe store?
150
00:11:37,055 --> 00:11:40,926
I say "used to" because her patronage
fell off one day when she asked...
151
00:11:41,090 --> 00:11:44,793
...for something to make her foot
look small, and I said, "Try your ass."
152
00:11:51,758 --> 00:11:53,960
She remembered.
153
00:11:54,892 --> 00:11:56,593
And we laughed.
154
00:11:56,792 --> 00:12:01,464
Then she picked up a catheter the size
of a boa constrictor and charged.
155
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:03,494
And all of a sudden...
156
00:12:03,693 --> 00:12:06,429
...for just a brief moment
in a land far away...
157
00:12:06,627 --> 00:12:09,096
...there was Abraham,
Martin and Al...
158
00:12:09,294 --> 00:12:11,796
-...saying if it wasn't for the wife--
-Al.
159
00:12:11,995 --> 00:12:14,664
I am very, very sorry about this.
160
00:12:14,861 --> 00:12:16,563
And if there's anything I can do--
161
00:12:16,762 --> 00:12:18,264
Swim the deepest ocean...
162
00:12:18,462 --> 00:12:22,699
...climb the highest mountain.
--just tell me and I'll do it.
163
00:12:24,696 --> 00:12:25,998
How about a sandwich?
164
00:12:26,197 --> 00:12:28,633
A sandwich?
165
00:12:28,863 --> 00:12:30,465
Now?
166
00:12:32,164 --> 00:12:34,699
Kids, did Daddy tell you
he got some stitches?
167
00:12:35,565 --> 00:12:39,435
Okay. Okay.
I'll make you a sandwich.
168
00:12:39,632 --> 00:12:41,233
Thank you.
169
00:12:41,865 --> 00:12:44,801
Now, it's over,
as far as I'm concerned.
170
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,502
Everything is back to normal.
171
00:12:59,635 --> 00:13:01,236
What?
172
00:13:03,269 --> 00:13:06,272
Well, how much
did they cut off, Dad?
173
00:13:08,236 --> 00:13:09,604
No, Kelly.
174
00:13:09,803 --> 00:13:13,407
It's just that he won't be able
to wear anything tight for a while.
175
00:13:13,603 --> 00:13:16,006
So I brought him something
of Grandma's.
176
00:13:18,371 --> 00:13:22,041
Fortunately, all I needed
was the sleeve. I sent the rest back.
177
00:13:24,839 --> 00:13:27,675
And by the way, I don't want
anyone talking about this, Peg.
178
00:13:27,872 --> 00:13:29,674
Especially you.
179
00:13:29,872 --> 00:13:33,509
Oh, come on, Al. I'm as embarrassed
about this as you are.
180
00:13:33,706 --> 00:13:36,075
Besides, who would I tell?
181
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,176
Hey, stubby.
182
00:13:46,675 --> 00:13:50,846
We heard about what happened,
so we got you a card.
183
00:13:51,576 --> 00:13:56,781
I talked her out of the "Ask me about
my circumcision" bumper sticker.
184
00:13:58,277 --> 00:14:01,813
We heard about your little loss
We know you'll make it through
185
00:14:02,011 --> 00:14:06,615
Because thankfully the part they took
Was of no use to you
186
00:14:07,878 --> 00:14:10,047
And though they took
More than you'd like
187
00:14:10,212 --> 00:14:11,647
The good luck is, you see
188
00:14:11,846 --> 00:14:15,883
Another quarter inch'd been
A full lobotomy
189
00:14:18,446 --> 00:14:20,282
P.S.:
190
00:14:24,181 --> 00:14:25,916
Kids, a lesson.
191
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:28,317
Whenever you receive
a card like this...
192
00:14:28,515 --> 00:14:31,518
...it must be answered immediately
by a thank-you note.
193
00:14:31,715 --> 00:14:36,420
So would you please go key one
in the side of Marcie's car for Daddy?
194
00:14:38,083 --> 00:14:39,351
Sure, Dad.
195
00:14:39,516 --> 00:14:42,419
Whoa, whoa.
Now, wait a second here.
196
00:14:42,617 --> 00:14:45,820
You guys know that Marcie's
is the red Beemer, right?
197
00:14:45,984 --> 00:14:48,687
-Come on, we know.
-Mr. D'Arcy, we wouldn't do that to you.
198
00:14:48,851 --> 00:14:51,253
Okay. Go to it, then.
199
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,655
Cranky, huh, old buddy?
200
00:14:57,853 --> 00:15:00,722
Well, I know exactly how you feel.
201
00:15:00,886 --> 00:15:03,055
I had to get circumcised myself once.
202
00:15:06,887 --> 00:15:11,392
-How'd you deal with the pain?
-I don't know. I was only one day old.
203
00:15:13,322 --> 00:15:15,591
So, what's up?
204
00:15:21,423 --> 00:15:24,593
Oh, Marcie,
I feel just awful about this.
205
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:26,926
The pain he must be in.
206
00:15:27,124 --> 00:15:29,459
And it's all my fault.
207
00:15:29,658 --> 00:15:32,427
Well, just do what you can
to take his mind off it.
208
00:15:32,624 --> 00:15:34,693
Well, I do.
209
00:15:41,726 --> 00:15:46,698
It's just that for some reason,
he cannot seem to let go of it.
210
00:15:57,995 --> 00:15:59,497
I don't know what to do.
211
00:15:59,695 --> 00:16:01,697
Well, just give it a few days.
212
00:16:01,895 --> 00:16:05,599
Besides, I hear there are some benefits
to having a circumcised man.
213
00:16:05,796 --> 00:16:08,132
They're healthier, the sex is better...
214
00:16:08,330 --> 00:16:11,099
-...they're less likely--
-Whoa.
215
00:16:11,330 --> 00:16:14,800
-The sex is better?
-For the woman.
216
00:16:14,997 --> 00:16:17,300
Well, that's all I care about.
217
00:16:17,998 --> 00:16:19,433
Go on.
218
00:16:19,631 --> 00:16:24,736
Well, they say it lasts longer
because the man is less sensitive.
219
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,703
Of course, you're gonna have to wait
about a month to find out.
220
00:16:36,267 --> 00:16:40,405
Hey, with Al I can do
a month standing on my head.
221
00:16:40,602 --> 00:16:42,804
Sometimes I have to.
222
00:16:43,435 --> 00:16:45,637
Sometimes I like it.
223
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:13,908
Tonight our special report:
224
00:17:14,106 --> 00:17:16,842
Thong bikinis of Rio.
225
00:17:18,674 --> 00:17:21,743
Thong bikinis of Hawaii.
226
00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:26,845
-Thong bikinis of the Caribbean.
-It's sweeps month.
227
00:17:27,042 --> 00:17:30,312
Gotta be something on
that's dull and boring.
228
00:17:30,809 --> 00:17:35,414
Tonight on National Geographic,
stalking the wily prairie dog.
229
00:17:35,610 --> 00:17:36,878
That's better.
230
00:17:37,044 --> 00:17:40,514
But first, thong bikinis
of the Serengeti.
231
00:17:42,911 --> 00:17:44,446
Good one.
232
00:17:46,078 --> 00:17:48,480
Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late.
233
00:17:48,679 --> 00:17:51,348
But bingo was just
a madhouse tonight.
234
00:17:51,545 --> 00:17:53,113
So how's it going?
235
00:17:53,313 --> 00:17:56,883
Horrible, Peg.
Everything I see or hear is about sex.
236
00:17:57,279 --> 00:17:59,815
Oh, Al, that's just your imagination.
237
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:03,150
There's plenty
of other things going on.
238
00:18:05,348 --> 00:18:06,816
Tell me about bingo.
239
00:18:07,148 --> 00:18:12,320
Well, we overheard this couple
going at it in the bathroom.
240
00:18:12,481 --> 00:18:15,051
Don't know how they thought
they could get away with it.
241
00:18:15,216 --> 00:18:17,718
I mean, you could hear her
a whole block away.
242
00:18:17,916 --> 00:18:21,019
"Oh, Al."
His name was Al too.
243
00:18:21,217 --> 00:18:25,020
"Oh, Al." On and on.
244
00:18:27,051 --> 00:18:28,419
What was that sound?
245
00:18:29,718 --> 00:18:31,486
A stitch.
246
00:18:36,919 --> 00:18:40,423
Well, it's time to get
this couch reupholstered.
247
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:45,525
I'm really glad I'm home.
I am so tired.
248
00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:53,657
Peg. Do you mind?
249
00:18:53,854 --> 00:18:55,256
Mind what?
250
00:18:55,455 --> 00:18:57,857
When you shake your leg
like that it--
251
00:18:58,455 --> 00:19:01,158
It makes your boobies
go back and forth.
252
00:19:04,890 --> 00:19:06,625
Sorry.
253
00:19:15,458 --> 00:19:18,761
Would you stop putting your finger
in your mouth when you turn the page?
254
00:19:19,758 --> 00:19:22,294
I always do that.
255
00:19:22,859 --> 00:19:26,430
It's the first time I've looked at you.
256
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:30,296
All right, Al. I'll stop.
257
00:19:38,062 --> 00:19:41,732
-What?
-You're breathing in and out.
258
00:19:43,229 --> 00:19:44,496
This is ridiculous.
259
00:19:44,696 --> 00:19:47,932
I'm getting myself a snack
and then I'm going to bed.
260
00:19:48,129 --> 00:19:50,031
You know, your problem is, Al...
261
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:54,133
...you just can't allow yourself
to think about anything else.
262
00:19:57,232 --> 00:20:00,134
You know, read a book,
watch a ball game.
263
00:20:00,332 --> 00:20:03,969
You know, my life is miserable too,
but you don't see me going nuts.
264
00:20:06,932 --> 00:20:08,767
By the way, honey...
265
00:20:08,967 --> 00:20:11,936
...do you want anything
while I'm in here?
266
00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:16,835
Al?
267
00:20:18,435 --> 00:20:19,703
Al?
268
00:20:25,035 --> 00:20:26,904
A shower?
269
00:20:27,102 --> 00:20:28,971
This early?
270
00:20:29,169 --> 00:20:32,739
Gee, it's only
the 10th of the month.
271
00:20:37,537 --> 00:20:39,105
Well, I don't like this, Marcie.
272
00:20:39,670 --> 00:20:41,639
He's been in the garage
past a month now...
273
00:20:41,838 --> 00:20:44,541
...and I still can't get him
to come out.
274
00:20:44,738 --> 00:20:47,174
I mean, suppose
something went wrong?
275
00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:50,709
He was really starting
to like those muumuus.
276
00:20:52,139 --> 00:20:54,175
Yeah, well, suppose he's all well...
277
00:20:54,373 --> 00:20:57,176
...and he just doesn't
want me anymore?
278
00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:19,346
Never mind.
279
00:21:59,316 --> 00:22:01,719
You know, it did last longer.
280
00:22:03,583 --> 00:22:06,486
And the best part is
I didn't feel a thing.
21703
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