Original subtitles

Hi, Kel. What are you listening to?

Radio Love-Line. It's listener-dedication hour.

How many dedications did I get?

Three, actually.

"Lonely Boy"...

..."Like a Virgin"...

...and "When A Man Loves A Rubber Woman."

And I suppose you got your usual dedication:

"She Works Hard for the Money."

Well, whatever gave you the idea that I am some cheap tramp?

And now, dedicated to Kelly:

"She Works Hard For--"

Oh, hi, Mom. Bud broke your radio.

That's okay. It was your father's.

Hey, kids, look what just came in the mail.

It's my first Best of Oprah videocassette.

"Volume one: Mom's a Dad and I'm So Sad."

If the world had only one throat....

A fat woman sloshed into the shoe store today...

...said she was retaining water.

I said not to worry about it.

The dam of cellulite holding it back...

...should keep us all high and dry for the next few years.

Now, I don't know when they started letting women carry stun guns...

...but I'll tell you this--

There he goes again. On and on about his non-life.

Hey, news flash, people. You have a dog.

A dog who hasn't been brushed or bathed in six years.

Now I know how Willie Nelson feels.

Hey, don't mind me. I'll just lick my genitalia and go to sleep alone.

Much like the boy.

Hey, ever hear of affection?

We love to be petted, much like the girl.

Well, that's it. I'm fed up. I can takes no more. I'm out of here.

No, no, no. Don't try and stop me now.

Well, thank you.

Okay, you'll be sorry.

Boy, am I sorry.

Running away, what the hell was I thinking?

Hey, you. New dog. What are you in for?

I ran away from home to teach my family a lesson.

Well, you know what they say:

"You can't teach an old family new tricks."

That's what you think.

I'm sure right now my family's beside themselves with grief.

So then, this skinny woman with a hook nose...

...Olive Oyls into the shoe store...

...and says, "I want something to make me look sexy."

So I say, "You'll have to wait a long time before someone that ugly...

...comes in to stand next to you."

Excuse me, boy.

Now, I don't know when they started letting women carry nunchucks--

Yeah, they're probably crying their eyes out for me right now.

Hey, what's the boxer in for?

Oh, nothing, if you hear him tell it.

I'm innocent. Innocent.

You know I'm innocent, don't you?

Only in America with our system of jurisprudence...

...would this have happened to an upstanding boxer like yourself!

And who's that over there?

Oh, that's Madonna's dog.

After the book came out, he turned himself in.

So how does it work around here? I mean, like, when do we eat?

Eat? Let's see, it's almost 9....

About three days from now.

That soon? Hey!

I think I'm gonna like this place. Yeah, too bad I won't be here long.

I mean, not with my family out searching for me.

So then, this woman comes in...

...who doesn't speak English.

She points at the shoes, I point at the door.

She points at the sky, and knees me in the nay-nays.

I said--

-Come in! -Come in!

Hi, Bud.

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

-Oh, no! -Oh, no. Not at all!

-We're very excited to see you. -Sit down.

See you later. Bye.

Hey, Al, when was the last time you got some good news?

Well, when I was 7 my mother told me I was adopted.

Which turned out to be a vicious lie, but it was good news at the time.

Well, guess what's happening in a week from now?

The nudie bar is having their annual Wrestle Till You're Raw Night.

Is it that time of year already?

God, time sure flies when you're married and have no life.

They're selling raffle tickets for a drawing to see who gets to...

...oil down the first girl.

Yes, first oil.

And you know who's gonna be in the ring, don't you, buddy?

Maria Cantalopes Meyers?

Versus Yolanda "Deep Shade" McSuade.

Wow, truly a battle of the titans.

Maria and the Shadester. Four of my favorites.

Jefferson, I have to be the one to get that first oil.

-How much are tickets? -Twenty bucks a piece.

A little steep, huh?

Yolanda and Maria.

All right, well...

...turn around. I don't want you to see where I hide the money.

Gee, I wonder what's taking the family so long.

I mean, they sure act fast enough when the blond girl gets lost.

Of course, unlike her I've never got lost in the house.

They'll be here.

Poor fella. I hate to see him suffer like that.

Me too.

Shall we tell him he's gonna die?

Yeah, why not. Hey, you, buckaroo.

There's something you ought to know about this place.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey! I'm not anyone's bitch, okay?

No. No, not that.

Too bad though, he is a looker.

You better hope somebody comes in to get you in seven days or less.

What happens after seven days?

Well, let's say you'll be drinking out of God's toilet.

You mean, I'll-- I'll be dead?

Whoa, that's certainly a cage soiler.

Hey, but I'm not worried. I mean...

...I got four people scouring the city for me right now.

Like, there's Bud, you know?

Well, if he can't even find a two-legged dog...

...why would I think he'd find a four-legged one?

Oh, but the girl-- The girl...is an idiot.

I wouldn't have any use for her at all if she didn't undress in front of me.

Well, the redhead....

She wouldn't know I was gone...

...unless my picture was on the side of a bonbon box.

I guess my only hope is the big dumb guy with the stinky feet.

My pal Al.

He won't let me down.

Besides, what else does he got going in his life?

But-- But I don't wanna die! I mean, I've got so much to live for.

I got balls yet to catch, and cats to tree, bones to bury.

Gee, come to think of it, we don't really do much, do we?

How does he do that?

Ever since his people had him fixed he doesn't date much.

Oh, I see.

Hey, look, guys. I know I'm only the new kid on death row...

...but given what seems to be in store, shouldn't we be knee deep in our own--

Keep your fur on, tall, dark and wormy.

It's visitor's day.

Why, we could get abducted.

No, no. He means adopted.

If a family comes in and likes you, you're sprung.

Hey, pick me. I'm really good with kids.

Hey, hey!

Hey, lady. I'm a genius in French, so you'll take me, please.

I want this one.

Oh, but, honey, he's old and ugly.

Yeah, well, from where I stand...

...you're not exactly Sharon Stone yourself.

How about we forget the whole thing and go get an ice cream?

-Okay. -Good boy!

I am not giving up!

If that family can look for a dog, my family can look for a dog.

Besides, I've got seven days. No problem.

Problem.

Al, have you noticed anything different around the house lately?

You know, I just can't help but feel that there is something missing...

...and I am very observant about these things.

Eat up, boy.

Well, Peg, what do you think?

That is the most disgusting tie I've ever seen.

I'm not talking about the tie, I'm talking about the shirt.

Look okay? I wanna look my best for Wrestle Till You're Raw Night.

You know, Larry Linville from M*A*S*H is gonna be one of the judges.

So did Lumber City give him the week off?

I'm going to the frat house. How you doing, boy?

Hey, Bud, have you noticed anything missing around here lately?

The van Gogh?

Mom, Dad, you're never gonna guess what happened.

Okay, I was out walking Buck.

When suddenly I realized...

...that he wasn't stopping at every tree and hydrant on the block.

And that's when I looked down at the end of the leash...

...and saw that I was Buck-naked.

I knew something was missing.

He couldn't have been gone for long. His food got eaten every day.

Al?

Oh, Buck's gone.

Okay now, kids...

...go outside and look under the house where your father usually hides.

I'm gonna go get a flashlight. We gotta find Buck.

Buck's gone?

-Nudie-mart! -Nudie-mart!

-All right! -All right!

Oh, bad news, Al.

They didn't draw my number for first oil but...

...they drew yours.

Okay, you ready, Dad?

-Ready for what? -To go find Buck.

Well, I'll keep my eyes peeled from here to the nudie bar. Let's go.

Dad! Buck is the family dog and the whole family should look for him.

Oh, pumpkin!

Now, if you were a dog, where would you go?

Well, that depends.

Are you a dog too?

Al, I am serious. Buck could be hurt.

He could be lying in the gutter, Dad.

Did it ever occur to any of you that Buck might have just run away?

I've thought of it myself a million times.

He could be eating a steak right now, drinking a daiquiri...

...or doing that little cocker spaniel down the end of the street.

Our dog Buck...

...might for the first time in his life be truly happy.

Who cares? We want him back.

Yeah, we want Buck.

-Yeah, Dad. -Dad, go find Buck.

I don't wanna have to go get--

Look, Al, I know you're in a bind, but it's a quarter till.

Go ahead. Try to hold off the pouring of the first oil. I'll get in the car...

...go around the block a few times to find him. Shouldn't take long.

I'd like to--

Oh. Now, now, honey.

It's okay. Daddy'll find Buck.

Has he ever let you down before?

Oh, it's okay, honey.

You know, just remember...

...Daddy loves Buck just as much as we do.

They're best friends.

Well...

...I found Buck. Now here, I gotta go.

Hey, wait a second!

This isn't Buck.

Well, that may be, but I still gotta go.

Okay, Al. Now, look...

...if pouring some oil on some women...

...that even Senator Packwood wouldn't grope...

...is more important to you...

...than reuniting your faithful and loving puppy...

...with your faithful and loving family, then just go.

But know that we'll be here crying our eyes out.

Okay, okay.

-Bye. -Get back here.

Well, Peg, Buck'll come home. I always do.

Don't you know tonight is very important to me.

Oh, not the theme to Lassie.

Anything but the theme to Lassie. You know how it chokes me up.

All right, let's go find him. Let's go find Buck.

And I really hate you guys for this.

Well, not just for this, but especially this.

Oh, Lassie.

They're not really gonna take me to the green door?

The Lord is my German shepherd, I shall not want.

Doesn't he know any other songs?

-What was that? -Be at peace, my son.

Oh, put a sock in it, padre.

If only my people would come for me.

I promise, I'd never run away again...

...or chew on their shoes, or pass wind and watch as they blame it on the boy.

It's-- It's them!

What is it, Peg? Why we've been to about 40 of these places.

This is the last one, Al.

They've come to rescue me!

Gosh....

I knew they wouldn't forget me.

Well...

...he's not here.

Hey! Hey, yes, I am! Hey, look down, you moron!

Well, are you sure, Al? I mean, maybe we should--

Peg, don't you think if Buck were here he'd be barking?

I know, because a man and his dog have a bond.

And if-- Will you shut up, you mutt?

Oh, look at the cute puppies. Hey, Daddy, can we get a puppy?

Oh, this one just licked my face.

"This dog licked my face."

You should have seen where his tongue was a few minutes ago.

Fools, I'm down here.

Puppy'll cost you $15.

And could you speed it up a little bit. I got an execution to do.

Wait a second. This big one looks a little like Buck.

Well, that couldn't be.

You know the irony in this is...

...they should be putting you guys to sleep in 30 seconds.

Well, wait a minute now.

-That is Buck! -It is Buck!

-Buck! Buck! -It is Buck!

Hey, hey, hey. That's our dog.

-He'll cost you 20 bucks. -Twenty bucks?

Why, for 20 bucks I can get a real good suit.

The fathead losered his way into the pound today....

Well, I guess we'll take the old boy. Yeah.

And we're never gonna let this happen again.

Yeah. Everything's gonna be different from now on, Buck.

That's right. We're gonna play and we're gonna romp.

We'll bathe you. We'll even feed you, Buck.

-Everything's gonna be okay. -Oh, Buck boy. So good.

Kelly, the Best of Oprah: Volume Two just came.

Here we go.

"The Cross and the double-cross.

Catholic men who dress like women."

Hey, Ma, think Dad'll let me use the car tonight?

Well, depends on what mood he's in.

I wish the world were a fly and I was a giant rolled-up newspaper.

Here we go.

A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today...

...and said, "I need something I'd be comfortable in."

I said, "Try Wyoming."

Now, I don't know when they started letting women carry chain saws....

Oh, like your family's any better.