Original subtitles

Hi.

I'm Billy Ray Wetnap from Pest Boys Exterminators...

...where our motto is, "There's no bug we can't plug."

And to prove it, our very own Verminator...

...has volunteered to get into this glass cage...

...with 10,000 Peruvian stinging beetles.

Stinging beetles? You said they were gonna be ladybugs.

Now, she is armed with nothing but her Verminator spray gun...

...filled with our new poison, RU Dead 42.

It's not working.

The reason that the Peruvian stinging beetle is so large...

...is that 80 percent of his body weight is pure D venom.

They don't even lose their stingers like them sissified African killer bees.

Well, it looks like our very own Verminator's in a little bit of trouble.

But you won't be if you call Manny, me or Ma at Pest Boys Exterminators.

Call 1-800-LEGS-UP...

...where our motto is, "If you wish it, we will squish it."

Well, Ma, it says right here:

"The Peruvian beetle sting can cause temporary insanity.

But on the bright side, it has a delightful mating call...

...and stays crunchy in milk."

Well, the doctor said she seems to be fine.

The pods! The pods! They're opening!

Is that you, Napoleon?

No, Rhett, it's me.

And mark my words, the South shall rise again.

Peg.

Peg. Bud. Man, do I have good news.

Al, aren't you forgetting someone?

Oh, Peg, she's nuts.

Nuts or not, she is still our daughter.

Oh, all right, Peg.

Hi, pumpkin.

Isn't that cute. I used to call her pumpkin, now she is one.

But, Peg, anyway, like I was saying, man, I got good news.

Tomorrow, not only will I be selling shoes...

...I will be selling ladies' handbags.

That high school diploma is really starting to pay off.

Anyway, Kelly...

...guess who has the job of hiring the new employee?

Oh, now, I wouldn't go plowing today, Brer Bear.

Let me try this one more time while the liquor stores are open.

Al, are you trying to tell us...

...that they're gonna put you in charge of doing the hiring?

Yes, I am. And let us hope I pick more carefully than I've done in the past.

I must be careful and selective.

I must not hire the first boob who walks in the door.

You're hired.

Shouldn't I fill out an application first?

Oh, good idea.

Here you are.

Right over here. Have a seat. Get off.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Threats don't frighten me. I'm married.

To my job, not to some giant big redhead.

Where it says "name," do you want mine?

No. Just a simple naked photo will do.

Well, well, well.

It's true what they say.

Even in hard times consumers still flock to quality.

Excuse me, Al.

Is this seat taken?

Or this one? Or this one?

Marcie, come here.

Look. There's a woman.

Aren't they something?

So, what do you want?

Jefferson has something to say. Jefferson?

Yeah, Al, I'm--

I'm here to apply for the j--

-For the j-- -Job! Job! Say it!

I am tired of coming home every night...

....and finding you watching the Home Shopping Network.

Look, Marcie, I don't know the first thing about selling shoes.

Is this the right color for me?

Absolutely. It brings out the violet in your eyes.

I'll take 12.

I'm sorry, Marcie. But the job has already been filled by someone...

...far more qualified.

Mr. Bundy, where it says "date," do you want his name or where we went?

That's Heidi. She's dumb as toast, but I'd kill for her.

And I'd start with you.

You piece of algae.

If you think that I am going to stand idly by...

...and let you hire some salute to silicone...

...instead of an obviously qualified person, then you're wrong, Al Bundy.

I'll have my woman's group here so fast it'll make your bulbous head swim.

My Jefferson is far more qualified than--

I'm not just a shoe salesman. I also direct movies for HBO.

Let's go, Jefferson.

Marcie, I thought you wanted me to get a job.

Your job is pleasing me, and I am not pleased.

That's my mom.

"Sex." This could take a while.

Can I write on the back? The front's all full.

Yes, yes. And feel free to move around if you want to.

I'm here to apply for the shoe salesman's job.

Job's taken. Get out.

Polk High?

Oh, Polk you're the best Of all the schools

-For you we'll always cheer -For you we'll always cheer

-By day we learn to read and write -By day we learn to read and write

-By night our team will fight, fight, fight -By night our team will fight, fight, fight

-No matter where we are -No matter where we are

-We'll always give a: -We'll always give a:

-For P-O-L-K -P-O-L-K

-Polk. Polk. Polk -Polk. Polk. Polk.

Aaron Mitchell. Class of '93.

Al Bundy. All class, all the time.

Wait a second.

Al Bundy?

The All-State Al Bundy?

I was.

-I thought you died in Nam. -No.

Well, actually, I started that rumor.

Yeah, see, I died here at home, victim of Agent Red.

Al Bundy. Do you know what a hero you are to me?

I presume you're referring to my four touchdowns in one game.

Well, that and the four holes you drilled into the walls...

...of the girls locker room.

For years I didn't think women had heads.

-Well, I see you play a little ball. -No, no, no. You played ball.

I was just All City. I was lucky to get a scholarship.

-I got a scholarship to college. -And what happened?

An injury. Tackle broke my leg. Wife broke her water. The end.

But...

...all things considered, I think things turned out pretty well.

-Yeah. -Excuse me.

Well, sorry to hear the job's filled...

...but you know, it was worth the trip here just to meet you.

If it's any consolation, the players didn't start making big money...

...till after your career would've been over anyway.

Well, that big shoe money's still coming down.

Hey, Bundy.

Go deep.

What the hell. You got the job.

Really?

Thanks, Mr. Bundy.

Hey, I don't wanna impose, but I got my football in the car.

-Would you autograph it for me? -Sure, kid. Go get it.

Did I just hear you hire someone else?

Oh, yeah, you did.

-What should I do? -Well....

Keep writing.

Hi, honey.

Al, I'll tell you, we just got back from the doctor...

...and he said that she's much better.

Al, what's wrong? Your face looks strange.

Yeah, it's called a smile, Peg. But don't worry about it.

I'm not taking it home with me. Peg, you should see.

I just hired the best kid ever to help me out in the store.

He's a football hero at Polk High last year. You should see him.

He's the son I always wanted.

And who's that over there?

Oh, that's the wife I always wanted.

Daddy?

Peg, why can't we just put her in David Letterman's house...

...and get it over with?

Come on, Kelly.

-And how do we say goodbye? -Alice, you're the greatest.

I wanna thank you again, Mr. Bundy.

-I really needed this job. -That's okay. I know.

College is expensive.

Actually, that's pretty much paid for.

I'm using this money to buy a ring for my girl.

We're gonna get married.

What's wrong with getting married?

Aaron...

...sit down over here, son. Let's have a chat.

Now, I too am a great believer in love.

I wanna find it myself someday.

But let me give you a little bit of advice.

Bed them, don't wed them.

Do them, don't woo them.

Date them, don't mate them.

But Angie's different.

-Well, she-- -Always lets you pick out the movie?

Doesn't mind when you wanna watch a ballgame?

Can recognize a kitchen appliance two out of three times?

That's her.

That's all women before the day.

Mr. Bundy, I appreciate your concern, but I want to get married.

I see now what I have to do.

Come with me.

Where are we going?

The mall lounge.

Or as we like to call it, "the valley of the shadow of death."

There they are, son.

The lost souls.

The meek, the miserable, the married.

And over here are the lowest of the lows.

The ones relegated to holding their wives' purses.

What's wrong with him?

His wife is shopping at Victoria's Secret.

She tried on a garter belt last week...

...they haven't seen it since.

And look over there between Burt and Carson.

Well, it's just an empty space.

With your name on it, Aaron.

Hey, come on, guys.

What could be better than two people loving each other...

...and sharing the good times and the bad?

A steak?

Fellas...

...what we've got here is a non-believer.

A little marrying music, please.

My wife will never cook or clean

Still my money's spent

Who knew when I first chose my mate

That she would put on That much weight

More sex we'd like for sure

If it only weren't with her

Please K-I-L-L K-I-L-L

Me, me, me

That's the marrying man's fight song, son.

That and taps.

Good luck, Aaron.

Thanks. It's much easier to fill this out with the light on.

Take your time.

Hello. Is Aaron here?

-I just came by to bring his lunch. -Oh, thanks.

You must be Angie.

-His fiancée. -Well, yes.

You don't have to say it. I know. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Oh, but not as lucky as he is, I'm sure.

Why, he tells me you don't mind when he watches sports.

Which I think is good because there's....

There's a game on tonight and I thought maybe I'd invite him over...

...to watch it.

Oh, I'm sure he'd love to.

I'd watch it with you, but I have a cooking class tonight.

You like football and cooking?

Sure. What woman doesn't?

But...

...I'll bet you like to eat, huh?

Well, sure.

You know, fruit, vegetables.

My big weakness is the Roy Rogers salad bar.

Not that the food is bad, I just feel guilty...

...about spending $1.99 on myself.

Don't take this personally, but would you marry me?

My wife wouldn't like it, but she doesn't like anything I like.

You're cute.

Well, I better go or I'll be late for work.

You work?

What else am I gonna do?

Sit around the house all day watching Oprah and eating bonbons?

Well, at least I still have--

A chair.

Where a beautiful girl once sat.

I need shoes.

Peg?

Oprah.

You know, Peg, I made a mistake.

This morning before I left I thought that all women were totally useless.

Now I realize it was just you.

I thought all men were destined to marry the worst possible mate...

...but I now realize it was just me.

Oh, hi, Al.

I didn't hear you. I was watching Oprah.

That's all right, Peg. I was talking to Oprah.

But, you know what I'm going to do now?

I'm going to live the life I should have had...

...vicariously through Aaron.

And I'm going to live my sports life through him.

I'm going to have dinner through him.

And if he'll let me, I'm even going to have sex through him.

Oh, hi, Al.

I didn't hear you. I was watching Oprah.

If only Oprah were on when I said, " I do."

-I'll get it. -No, I'll get it, Daddy.

-Oh, hi, pumpkin. -Hi.

-How you feeling? -I'm fine. I'm all better.

Thattagirl.

-Hi. -Hi. Is Mr. Bundy here?

You're that good football guy everyone's talking about.

Yeah, and what's your name?

Thumbelina!

Book 'em, Dano.

A great daughter. You must be very proud.

I'd sell her for scrap if I could. What's going on?

I just stopped by to thank you for setting me straight.

You made me realize that I shouldn't jump into marriage.

So I broke off my engagement with Angie.

And decided to go back to the girl I dated all through high school.

And I want you to meet her.

Mr. Bundy, I'd like you to meet Meg.

Oprah!