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1
00:01:26,455 --> 00:01:28,791
Well, we finished the errands, Mom.
2
00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:32,626
It's such a treat driving Dad's Dodge.
The noise, the rust...
3
00:01:32,822 --> 00:01:36,660
...the thrill of watching the open road
through the open floorboard.
4
00:01:36,857 --> 00:01:41,428
We got everything you wanted from
the store: bourbon-flavored bonbons...
5
00:01:41,624 --> 00:01:43,459
...romance novels...
6
00:01:44,025 --> 00:01:46,460
...Kenny G CD.
7
00:01:47,258 --> 00:01:50,361
You and Dad are gonna have
quite a time tonight, huh?
8
00:01:50,525 --> 00:01:52,594
Batteries.
9
00:01:57,459 --> 00:02:00,462
You know, it seems like there's
something we forgot to do today.
10
00:02:11,929 --> 00:02:15,265
I guess my cries this morning
of "if you use the car...
11
00:02:15,462 --> 00:02:19,400
...please, I beg you, pick me up
from work" was a little vague.
12
00:02:20,263 --> 00:02:21,665
Al, would you shut up?
13
00:02:21,864 --> 00:02:24,833
We're trying to remember
what we forgot to do.
14
00:02:25,231 --> 00:02:27,733
How did I get home, you ask?
15
00:02:27,931 --> 00:02:31,267
Not having correct change
for public transportation...
16
00:02:31,464 --> 00:02:33,667
...nor the bills to get
correct change...
17
00:02:33,865 --> 00:02:37,035
...nor the job to get the bills
to get correct change...
18
00:02:37,232 --> 00:02:42,037
...I got a ride from two fine gentlemen
who drive the road-kill truck.
19
00:02:42,934 --> 00:02:44,635
How was your day, Peg?
20
00:02:44,833 --> 00:02:48,070
Anything interesting happen
on the couch?
21
00:02:48,267 --> 00:02:50,169
-Well, actually--
-I don't care.
22
00:02:53,634 --> 00:02:55,736
Give me my car key.
23
00:02:57,869 --> 00:03:00,872
Last time you get to use the Dodge!
24
00:03:04,069 --> 00:03:07,139
-How will I get to school?
-Yeah, Dad. How will I get to work?
25
00:03:07,337 --> 00:03:12,809
How will I get to the store to buy the
double issue of the National Enquirer?
26
00:03:13,371 --> 00:03:16,341
And food and groceries.
27
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:19,574
Dad, why don't you just get us a car?
28
00:03:19,772 --> 00:03:23,375
Jeez, Louise,
why didn't I think of that?
29
00:03:24,039 --> 00:03:26,574
New cars for everybody!
30
00:03:27,973 --> 00:03:30,776
Peg, would you like a BMW?
31
00:03:31,373 --> 00:03:33,609
I kind of see myself in a Jaguar.
32
00:03:34,207 --> 00:03:37,477
If only we could find one that hungry.
33
00:03:42,741 --> 00:03:46,478
Well, I have $400 saved from work.
I'll get a car myself.
34
00:03:46,676 --> 00:03:49,679
Hey, wait a second.
I have $400 saved too.
35
00:03:49,876 --> 00:03:53,179
We can pool our money
and share a car twice as nice.
36
00:03:53,376 --> 00:03:57,681
-Yeah. Not like Dad's piece of--
-Children!
37
00:03:57,977 --> 00:04:00,513
Oh, what the hell.... Wolfen.
38
00:04:01,611 --> 00:04:05,982
Let me tell you something about
sharing. It can only come to trouble.
39
00:04:06,211 --> 00:04:10,149
Your mother and I shared a bed,
and nothing good came out of it.
40
00:04:11,379 --> 00:04:15,350
Well, maybe that's because
nothing good went into it.
41
00:04:18,980 --> 00:04:21,449
It doesn't matter. You've only got $800.
42
00:04:21,647 --> 00:04:23,783
And $800 can't buy you a car.
43
00:04:30,648 --> 00:04:33,851
-Jefferson, tell them what $800 can buy.
-Well...
44
00:04:34,050 --> 00:04:36,585
...it could buy you a nice car.
45
00:04:37,649 --> 00:04:40,218
You know where we can
get a car for $800?
46
00:04:40,417 --> 00:04:44,654
Car auctions. You know, where they
sell cars seized by federal agencies.
47
00:04:44,850 --> 00:04:47,620
True. They may not be
in the best of shape.
48
00:04:47,985 --> 00:04:50,621
Bullet holes, blood stains...
49
00:04:50,818 --> 00:04:53,587
...the smell of rotting bodies.
50
00:04:53,786 --> 00:04:57,289
But then you don't seem to mind
riding in the Dodge.
51
00:04:58,453 --> 00:05:01,222
There are no bullet holes in my Dodge.
52
00:05:01,853 --> 00:05:06,158
But that can be changed if
you're willing to crawl into the trunk.
53
00:05:06,788 --> 00:05:11,592
-Dad, take us to the auction. Please.
-We'll share.
54
00:05:16,689 --> 00:05:18,157
How'd the auction go?
55
00:05:18,456 --> 00:05:22,460
Do not touch the car. We don't know
where your hands have been.
56
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:25,626
Then you better not sit in it!
57
00:05:31,391 --> 00:05:33,226
Fine.
58
00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:36,361
As you can tell, the kids purchased
a car. And as you can see...
59
00:05:36,558 --> 00:05:39,561
...all my fears about them sharing
were unfounded.
60
00:05:40,592 --> 00:05:42,661
I warned you!
61
00:05:47,026 --> 00:05:50,763
But on the good side, I got them
to knock off another $100 on the car.
62
00:05:50,961 --> 00:05:54,230
Why pay for seat belts
if you don't have brakes?
63
00:05:58,361 --> 00:06:01,564
-You know what I'm gonna do?
-Give the money to me?
64
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:04,565
Yes. To buy groceries.
65
00:06:05,796 --> 00:06:07,831
Groceries?
66
00:06:08,263 --> 00:06:12,600
Yes, Peg. The stuff you have to
wade through to get to the TV Guide.
67
00:06:12,797 --> 00:06:17,068
And I better be able to eat everything
in that bag, Peg. Just food.
68
00:06:17,264 --> 00:06:18,999
Just beef.
69
00:06:19,196 --> 00:06:21,067
Just do it.
70
00:06:21,067 --> 00:06:21,165
Just do it.
71
00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:26,369
That's right, Peg.
God, they look so firm.
72
00:06:27,399 --> 00:06:30,202
Hold them up for me, baby.
73
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:37,070
Now let's see that pretty rump.
74
00:06:38,434 --> 00:06:39,702
Beautiful!
75
00:06:45,902 --> 00:06:48,705
Al, my blisters are hurting
from carrying that food...
76
00:06:48,868 --> 00:06:50,804
...to the checkout counter.
77
00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:52,537
If you'd been there before...
78
00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:56,106
...you'd know the carts
in front of the store are for that.
79
00:06:56,903 --> 00:07:00,239
I thought that was parking
for the homeless.
80
00:07:02,804 --> 00:07:04,872
You will never guess who I met.
81
00:07:05,071 --> 00:07:09,475
The guy who plays Neuter the Cat
on the Tender Innards commercials.
82
00:07:10,072 --> 00:07:11,807
You mean that one that says...
83
00:07:12,006 --> 00:07:17,011
..."If this meat were any fresher,
the jockey would still be riding it"?
84
00:07:17,573 --> 00:07:21,644
He's so hot. He's the 10th most
recognizable cat in media history...
85
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,776
...behind Heathcliff
and the late Miles Davis.
86
00:07:25,207 --> 00:07:28,610
Look, sweetheart. Daddy's got meat!
87
00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:31,977
That's great, Daddy.
88
00:07:32,175 --> 00:07:34,577
This guy could do wonders
for my career...
89
00:07:34,775 --> 00:07:37,244
...so I asked him on a date
in my new car.
90
00:07:37,409 --> 00:07:39,011
Not so fast, Pumpkin.
91
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,611
You're gonna need to be covered.
92
00:07:42,110 --> 00:07:44,646
Isn't that up to the guy, Dad?
93
00:07:47,177 --> 00:07:50,213
I'm talking about auto insurance,
you little--
94
00:07:53,178 --> 00:07:54,679
Oh, now, Pumpkin...
95
00:07:54,878 --> 00:07:58,415
...just so you didn't think
I didn't care, I got the best.
96
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:02,115
South Forty Auto Insurance,
the farmer's friend.
97
00:08:02,313 --> 00:08:07,518
-But there are things you need to know.
-You registered it as a farm vehicle?
98
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:13,618
Don't be surprised.
He registered the Dodge as a pull toy.
99
00:08:14,214 --> 00:08:17,250
The next thing I register's
gonna be a handgun.
100
00:08:18,881 --> 00:08:21,684
Sweetheart, now that you drive
a farm vehicle...
101
00:08:21,882 --> 00:08:25,052
...there are a few restrictions
you need to know about:
102
00:08:25,249 --> 00:08:29,120
One, you must not drive
on paved roads.
103
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:33,821
Two, the Amish always have
the right of way.
104
00:08:33,984 --> 00:08:37,087
Three, since you always
must be on official business...
105
00:08:37,285 --> 00:08:39,887
...you must have this in your car
at all times.
106
00:08:46,386 --> 00:08:50,991
Hence the South Forty motto,
"No chicken, no check."
107
00:08:53,020 --> 00:08:55,456
Hey, Kel, great news. I got--
108
00:08:57,420 --> 00:09:00,090
South Forty Insurance, Dad?
109
00:09:00,921 --> 00:09:02,356
It's a damn fine company.
110
00:09:02,521 --> 00:09:07,026
Farmer's best friend,
next to a sheep and a tall wheat field.
111
00:09:10,090 --> 00:09:14,361
Anyhow, I got a date with a foreign
exchange student who's so easy...
112
00:09:14,523 --> 00:09:18,027
...she makes you look like
a calculus problem.
113
00:09:21,991 --> 00:09:26,729
Well, you can't have the car tonight
because I'm going out with Neuter.
114
00:09:28,025 --> 00:09:30,828
You can go out with Dad anytime.
115
00:09:34,626 --> 00:09:40,232
-I promised to take her to the drive-in.
-I'm taking my date there in my car.
116
00:09:40,427 --> 00:09:43,998
-I'm not giving up my date.
-I'm not giving up mine.
117
00:09:59,830 --> 00:10:02,833
American movies are so confusing.
118
00:10:03,030 --> 00:10:05,833
So much subtext. So much character.
119
00:10:07,264 --> 00:10:09,467
The important part to remember...
120
00:10:09,665 --> 00:10:12,801
...is that Elmer is mad at Bugs.
121
00:10:14,932 --> 00:10:19,236
You see, he tied his shotgun
into a bow earlier.
122
00:10:21,833 --> 00:10:23,601
Exchange student, huh?
123
00:10:24,033 --> 00:10:28,104
What did we send to her country,
a head of lettuce and some sand?
124
00:10:29,401 --> 00:10:31,603
What does she mean by that?
125
00:10:31,835 --> 00:10:33,903
Nothing.
126
00:10:34,235 --> 00:10:36,304
I'm just gonna get comfortable here.
127
00:10:39,235 --> 00:10:41,838
I'm sorry, Kel, if I hurt your legs...
128
00:10:42,003 --> 00:10:43,904
...or his hand.
129
00:10:48,837 --> 00:10:50,905
It's okay. Accidents happen.
130
00:10:51,104 --> 00:10:53,439
Which explains you.
131
00:10:55,637 --> 00:11:00,009
-Hey, shut up!
-We're trying to have sex over here!
132
00:11:00,205 --> 00:11:03,008
So are we!
133
00:11:04,139 --> 00:11:06,575
You know, I'm sure you
hear this all the time...
134
00:11:06,740 --> 00:11:09,709
...but your portrayal
of Neuter is staggering.
135
00:11:10,806 --> 00:11:12,108
Thanks.
136
00:11:12,307 --> 00:11:14,642
Have you seen my one where I say...
137
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:18,511
..."My stomach hails
the taste of entrails"?
138
00:11:22,441 --> 00:11:24,610
Great date, Kel.
139
00:11:25,509 --> 00:11:28,679
What, was the 4000 Flushes guy busy?
140
00:11:31,909 --> 00:11:36,848
Well, I'm sorry if we were disturbing
you and Evita up here.
141
00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:42,616
It's just unusual for me to see you with
a date that doesn't require a patch kit.
142
00:11:45,945 --> 00:11:48,848
What does she mean by that?
143
00:11:49,612 --> 00:11:51,414
Nothing.
144
00:12:00,481 --> 00:12:01,682
Shut up!
145
00:12:02,148 --> 00:12:03,950
Come on. Come on.
146
00:12:04,148 --> 00:12:05,449
Let's go.
147
00:12:10,249 --> 00:12:13,819
All right, Kel, look.
We can't go on like this anymore.
148
00:12:14,016 --> 00:12:16,518
In order to make this
sharing thing work...
149
00:12:16,716 --> 00:12:19,853
...we have to coexist together
in the car, okay?
150
00:12:20,017 --> 00:12:22,152
Okay. Deal.
151
00:12:30,718 --> 00:12:31,986
Bud...
152
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:35,922
...my loins are warm for you.
153
00:12:40,487 --> 00:12:42,455
Get out.
154
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,654
No. I hate you.
155
00:12:44,854 --> 00:12:48,290
If you want the back seat,
get into someone else's car.
156
00:12:48,488 --> 00:12:50,156
That is really stupid.
157
00:12:51,721 --> 00:12:53,023
Hey...
158
00:12:53,222 --> 00:12:56,525
...wanna get into the back seat
of someone else's car?
159
00:12:57,522 --> 00:12:59,991
Or better yet, that pickup truck?
160
00:13:00,623 --> 00:13:02,325
Isn't that dangerous?
161
00:13:02,923 --> 00:13:06,327
Well, "Danger" is my middle name.
162
00:13:08,557 --> 00:13:11,327
Franklin's his middle name.
163
00:13:12,557 --> 00:13:15,360
Watch. I'll show you how easy it is.
164
00:13:28,860 --> 00:13:30,762
It's all clear.
165
00:13:30,961 --> 00:13:33,130
Come and get it.
166
00:13:36,862 --> 00:13:39,064
Hit the floor.
167
00:13:46,863 --> 00:13:49,132
Oh, look. He must really like you.
168
00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:51,854
He's wearing his underwear
with the hearts.
169
00:13:51,854 --> 00:13:52,164
He's wearing his underwear
with the hearts.
170
00:14:07,066 --> 00:14:10,269
Peg, what are you doing down there?
171
00:14:10,932 --> 00:14:12,768
I'm over here, Mongo.
172
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:15,436
Well, Peg, where's my tri-tip?
173
00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:19,637
According to Jake, the refrigerator
couldn't handle that much food.
174
00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:22,103
So it just kind of OD'd.
175
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:24,836
What are you saying?
That can't happen!
176
00:14:25,068 --> 00:14:27,270
Happened to Elvis.
177
00:14:28,369 --> 00:14:30,938
-Where's my food?
-I gave it to the poor.
178
00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:33,905
Well, then it's still around here.
179
00:14:34,636 --> 00:14:37,305
Get over it, Al. It's gone. And so am I.
180
00:14:37,504 --> 00:14:40,173
-I'm eating with the D'Arcys.
-What about me?
181
00:14:40,370 --> 00:14:42,939
-They don't like you.
-I don't like them.
182
00:14:43,104 --> 00:14:45,040
But I'm willing to go.
183
00:14:49,471 --> 00:14:51,473
Why do I come here?
184
00:14:52,506 --> 00:14:55,375
Why doesn't Willie Nelson
do a benefit for me?
185
00:14:55,572 --> 00:14:58,675
He could call it "Al Aid."
186
00:14:58,839 --> 00:15:01,675
I'm so hungry, I could eat a vegetable.
187
00:15:04,874 --> 00:15:06,876
Marcie?
188
00:15:16,942 --> 00:15:19,045
There's a note.
189
00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:23,781
Dear Daddy. Due to circus dances....
190
00:15:24,676 --> 00:15:28,480
-Due to circumst--
-What Kelly is trying to say is...
191
00:15:28,644 --> 00:15:30,646
...we had to dump the chicken.
192
00:15:30,844 --> 00:15:35,883
P.S. By the time you read this,
I'll be getting some.
193
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:40,448
Love, Bud.
194
00:15:42,279 --> 00:15:45,082
What am I supposed to do
with a live chicken?
195
00:15:51,947 --> 00:15:55,584
Welcome to the terror dome.
196
00:16:07,949 --> 00:16:12,387
Well, I went
to the nurse-slash-hotdog lady.
197
00:16:13,950 --> 00:16:16,553
Did you know that
relish aids in clotting?
198
00:16:17,451 --> 00:16:19,787
Bud, you are so brave.
199
00:16:19,985 --> 00:16:22,921
You let the dog rip you to pieces
for me.
200
00:16:23,118 --> 00:16:26,989
I resonate in my seat for you.
201
00:16:31,787 --> 00:16:34,356
Get out!
202
00:16:36,554 --> 00:16:39,157
People with futures
are talking here.
203
00:16:39,788 --> 00:16:42,157
So you really brought your cat suit?
204
00:16:42,355 --> 00:16:46,325
Yeah. It helps me be myself.
205
00:16:47,322 --> 00:16:50,559
I know it's hard to believe,
but I'm a little shy.
206
00:16:50,756 --> 00:16:56,128
I had a tough childhood. People think
the rich have it easy. Well, we don't.
207
00:16:56,323 --> 00:16:58,159
Rich?
208
00:16:59,158 --> 00:17:01,293
I don't mean like trillionaires.
209
00:17:01,491 --> 00:17:03,894
Just a few billion.
210
00:17:07,858 --> 00:17:09,727
Anyway, I know it's strange...
211
00:17:09,925 --> 00:17:14,396
...but there are things I can say
in my costume that I can't say out of it.
212
00:17:14,592 --> 00:17:16,161
Like what?
213
00:17:16,593 --> 00:17:20,264
Like...inviting certain people I like...
214
00:17:20,460 --> 00:17:25,498
...to all-expense-paid trips
to certain island paradises that I own.
215
00:17:27,895 --> 00:17:30,297
Get out!
216
00:17:31,695 --> 00:17:34,698
Not this time, Fancy Feast.
217
00:17:39,596 --> 00:17:42,166
The worm has turned.
218
00:17:43,164 --> 00:17:45,766
You mean to tell me that a
couple seconds of cheap sex...
219
00:17:45,931 --> 00:17:48,167
...means more to you
than my happiness?
220
00:17:48,398 --> 00:17:51,568
A milk shake means more to me
than your happiness.
221
00:17:53,165 --> 00:17:55,700
Fine. Come on, Neuter.
222
00:17:57,166 --> 00:18:00,669
Let's walk amongst the pines
and empty tubes of ointment...
223
00:18:00,833 --> 00:18:03,903
...and talk of the things you own
and will give me.
224
00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:08,937
If you'll just help me out of these
bandages here...
225
00:18:09,134 --> 00:18:12,104
...we can test the shocks on this baby.
226
00:18:15,169 --> 00:18:17,738
So this island that you own...
227
00:18:17,935 --> 00:18:21,305
...is it near the beach?
228
00:18:26,937 --> 00:18:28,605
Yes.
229
00:18:29,004 --> 00:18:32,007
Well, then put your head on
and let's talk.
230
00:18:36,604 --> 00:18:38,406
Kelly...
231
00:18:38,605 --> 00:18:42,709
...I've been alone
for a long, long time.
232
00:19:14,110 --> 00:19:15,945
Just one more bandage.
233
00:19:16,777 --> 00:19:20,114
Then I can really hurt you.
234
00:19:22,745 --> 00:19:25,681
It's been so long.
235
00:19:27,612 --> 00:19:31,083
Well, it's gonna be even longer,
King Tut.
236
00:19:32,413 --> 00:19:36,184
-What are you doing here?
-I don't wanna talk about it.
237
00:19:36,380 --> 00:19:38,615
Sit down, Neuter.
238
00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:44,016
I'm hungry.
239
00:19:44,215 --> 00:19:47,785
Bud, why don't you go to the nurse
and get us a hot dog.
240
00:19:49,015 --> 00:19:52,819
-Why don't you go?
-No. You go.
241
00:19:54,782 --> 00:19:57,118
Look. Let's just both go, okay?
242
00:19:57,316 --> 00:19:59,151
All right.
243
00:20:04,784 --> 00:20:06,019
Look, Kel.
244
00:20:07,751 --> 00:20:11,488
-I'm sorry about your friend, okay?
-Yeah, well, it's okay.
245
00:20:11,685 --> 00:20:16,023
It's just my luck. All the other cats
are either married or gay.
246
00:20:16,219 --> 00:20:17,787
Listen. Let's not fight.
247
00:20:17,986 --> 00:20:19,888
You and Sonja take the car...
248
00:20:20,087 --> 00:20:24,424
...and Neuter and I will go hang out
in an alley. He's used to it.
249
00:20:24,620 --> 00:20:26,923
-Thanks, Kel.
-No problem.
250
00:20:27,188 --> 00:20:31,158
-Oh, Neuter!
-Oh, Sonja!
251
00:20:36,888 --> 00:20:39,524
You know what really hurts, Kel?
252
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:45,360
Throwing meat in the car
and setting Cujo loose on them?
253
00:20:46,590 --> 00:20:48,892
You're way ahead of me.
254
00:20:49,091 --> 00:20:51,693
Then let's get it over with.
255
00:21:01,826 --> 00:21:03,961
Al, correct me if I'm wrong...
256
00:21:04,159 --> 00:21:07,930
...but didn't the insurance policy say
"no chicken, no check"?
257
00:21:09,594 --> 00:21:12,363
You hate to see me eat,
don't you, Peg?
258
00:21:12,561 --> 00:21:15,997
But it's too late.
It's in, and it's staying in.
259
00:21:16,428 --> 00:21:19,698
Yeah. I've heard that before.
260
00:21:24,529 --> 00:21:26,131
I'll get another chicken tomorrow.
261
00:21:26,296 --> 00:21:28,798
The chances of them
wrecking the car the one night...
262
00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:32,233
...the chicken isn't in it
is a billion-to-one.
263
00:21:32,730 --> 00:21:34,833
Daddy, we wrecked the car.
264
00:21:35,597 --> 00:21:36,898
On purpose.
265
00:21:37,098 --> 00:21:40,401
You were right.
Kelly and I aren't ready to share.
266
00:21:40,598 --> 00:21:43,201
So to get our money back,
we totaled it.
267
00:21:44,032 --> 00:21:46,668
All you have to do is toss
the chicken in the back seat...
268
00:21:46,833 --> 00:21:50,136
...before the insurance company
gets here and we're home free.
269
00:21:50,333 --> 00:21:52,335
You proud of us, big guy?
20869
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