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1
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:30,257
I am fed out to here
with stupid people.
2
00:01:31,025 --> 00:01:34,562
A customer comes into the diner and
he asked for the Norwegian salmon.
3
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:36,330
Then he wants to know
if it's fresh.
4
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:38,966
I said, "Hey, chucklehead,
this is Chicago.
5
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:41,936
This is not Norwegia, okay?
6
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:46,273
Nothing is fresh."
Well, I shouldn't say nothing.
7
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:57,718
-Speaking of nothing, where's Bud?
-Well, it's fall.
8
00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,920
So you know another school year
is beginning.
9
00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:03,157
Which means your brother is upstairs
trying on another persona...
10
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,125
...in hopes of attracting a girl.
11
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:07,695
He has as much chance
of finding a date...
12
00:02:07,862 --> 00:02:11,098
...as the cast of Roc does
getting served at Denny's.
13
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:15,402
I can't wait to see what kind
of Prince Charming...
14
00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:18,472
...the little frog is gonna try
to mutate into this year.
15
00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:38,692
Let me guess: Billy Ray Bundy.
16
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:41,896
Damn straight, missy.
17
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,732
Country is in.
18
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,801
Well, then what country are you?
19
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:51,672
I'm going to ignore that,
human peepshow.
20
00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:54,441
Because this will work.
21
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,211
Now, I've chewed my weight
in Red Man.
22
00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:59,013
I've learned my country sayings...
23
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:02,983
...like "ornery"
and "I thought you was 18."
24
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:07,821
So as I live and barely breathe
in these jeans...
25
00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:10,891
...I'll be riding
the country charts tonight.
26
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,267
Well, I admit,
it's better than last year.
27
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,570
Remember, he bought that wig,
gained 30 pounds...
28
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:25,506
... and called himself
Joey Bud-afuoco?
29
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:37,585
Peg, I must be hallucinating.
30
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:41,722
I could have swore
that Yosemite Sam just passed me.
31
00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:46,360
-That was Bud.
-Then it must be fall.
32
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:48,963
Well, as you know,
I've had a wee peck of trouble...
33
00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:51,198
...finding a alternator for my Dodge.
34
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:55,269
Yes, and a deodorant
that your body won't reject.
35
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:59,506
And a wife that my body won't reject.
36
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:02,810
Anyway, after painstaking research
to find this part...
37
00:04:02,977 --> 00:04:05,646
...a bum told me to call
Irv's World of Junk...
38
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:07,481
...in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.
39
00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:10,851
So you know what this means?
Means I'm gonna get my part.
40
00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:15,356
All I gotta do is call 800-head-on.
41
00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:23,397
-Welcome to Irv's World of Junk.
-Hey, Irv, it's Al Bundy here. I'd--
42
00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:26,600
If you'd like these instructions
in Spanish...
43
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:29,903
...press 1. For French, press 2.
44
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,206
Don't you love these things?
45
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:35,409
For Cajun, press 4.
46
00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:38,779
And for English, press 5.
47
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:44,451
You have pressed 5.
You speak English.
48
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:49,256
If your car is Swedish, press 1.
49
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:53,627
If your car is Japanese, press 2.
50
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:57,431
If your car is Japanese,
but made in America...
51
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:03,671
...in a patronizing attempt to pretend
we have a viable automobile industry...
52
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:05,806
...press 3.
53
00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:16,784
What are the odds of running into
a Native-American-pride parade...
54
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:19,687
...marching half a block
from our house?
55
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,122
Bud, you're going about this
all wrong.
56
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:25,092
Now, you keep trying to change
the clothes that you wear...
57
00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:27,394
...but what you really need
is a new head...
58
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:30,798
...and while you're at it,
a new body to put it on.
59
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:34,535
No. Thanks for caring,
but this is it for me.
60
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:38,372
I will neither seek nor accept a date
from any woman for the rest of my life.
61
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:41,608
Instead, I shall live out the rest
of my days in the basement...
62
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:44,244
...as the gnome
you've always said that I was.
63
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,880
Goodbye forever.
64
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,888
Gee, I feel kind of bad.
65
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:57,224
Well, honey,
you were pretty hard on him.
66
00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,759
No, I'm fine with that...
67
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:02,162
...but I think I should have told him
there's no third step.
68
00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:07,301
Oh, well, one less plate for lunch.
69
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:14,408
-Al, Bud is really upset.
-Bud's upset? Listen to this.
70
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:18,545
If your car is a Pacer, press 61.
71
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,983
If your car is a Studebaker, press 62.
72
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:26,320
Honey, he said that he is never
dating again...
73
00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:28,555
...and wants to live in the basement
forever.
74
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:32,025
Sounds like a good plan.
Wished I'd thought of it.
75
00:06:32,226 --> 00:06:35,996
If your car is a Hudson Hornet,
press 67.
76
00:06:37,331 --> 00:06:41,401
Well, I guess it's time
to hang this outfit with the others.
77
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,726
Buderace.
78
00:07:07,161 --> 00:07:09,763
Thanks a lot for puberty!
79
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:13,066
I'm staying down here forever!
80
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:15,803
You hear that, family?
81
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:18,472
No, don't all come down
at once now.
82
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:29,550
If you build it, he will come.
83
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:34,087
That you, Kel?
84
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:37,224
Mom? Dad?
85
00:07:37,391 --> 00:07:39,259
Buck?
86
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:41,228
Oh, God.
87
00:07:41,395 --> 00:07:44,598
Is this how that rainbow-wig guy
got started?
88
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:52,105
If you build it, he will come.
89
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:57,678
If your car has zero
to 10,000 miles...
90
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,250
...press 1.
91
00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:06,453
Ten to 20,000 miles, press 2.
92
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:13,527
-Bud?
-Yeah, Ma?
93
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:16,897
-What are you doing?
-Building.
94
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:20,234
-What are you building?
-I don't know.
95
00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:27,241
-So why are you doing it?
-So he'll come.
96
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:37,017
-So who'll come, dear?
-Him.
97
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,224
I think we should call Janet Reno.
She'll know what to do.
98
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:48,328
It's gonna be so wonderful, Mom.
99
00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:52,366
Once he gets here, everything's
gonna be much, much better.
100
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:59,840
Well, honey, if you need anything,
you just let me know, okay?
101
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:06,313
Move, Kel. Back up the stairs.
Back up the stairs.
102
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:13,020
If your Dodge has between 100,000
and 200,000 miles...
103
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,088
...press 11.
104
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,591
Two hundred to 300,000...
105
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,693
...press 12.
106
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,564
This is all my fault.
107
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:28,869
I knew when he was a baby, I should
have gotten him a proper sitter.
108
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:32,973
But, you know, Buck was right there
and the price was right.
109
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:38,211
Yeah, well, I'm at fault too.
When you said push him to the park...
110
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:40,681
...I probably should have put him
in the stroller.
111
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:45,552
And, you know, I shouldn't have given
him PEZ and said they were vitamins.
112
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:48,188
Well, I bet girls would have
dated him...
113
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:51,525
...if I hadn't told everybody in school
that he only had one buttock.
114
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:55,629
Well, look, don't worry, honey.
One thing is perfectly clear.
115
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,931
Bud's problems
are all your father's fault.
116
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:02,035
Al, you gotta do something
about the boy.
117
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,037
Wait a second, Peg,
I've gone this far.
118
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:07,541
In just a few more minutes
I'm gonna have my alternator now.
119
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,378
If your Dodge is still on the road,
press 1.
120
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:16,416
If your Dodge is on blocks, press 2.
121
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,653
If your Dodge is on fire...
122
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:22,155
...press 3.
123
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:33,100
Bud, it's 1:00.
Do you wanna come to bed?
124
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:36,470
Thanks, Mom.
I'm on a tight schedule here.
125
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,072
I see.
126
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:42,175
Well, honey, your father and I
just want you to know...
127
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:46,480
...that we love you and we'll always
be there to protect you from harm.
128
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,248
Thanks, Mom.
129
00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:11,338
Well...
130
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:12,806
...I finally finished.
131
00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,418
It's done.
132
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:27,454
What is it?
133
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:35,395
It's me.
134
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:39,399
No, it's not you.
135
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,701
Let's chat, shall we?
136
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:51,645
Well, what do you mean you're not me?
I mean, you look just like me.
137
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:56,283
Hey, don't insult me, all right?
I'm not you.
138
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:59,152
Well, actually, I'm part of you.
139
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,955
I'm the part of you that's cool.
140
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,291
Well, you're the rest.
141
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:10,130
-Well, why are you here?
-Because I can't stand it anymore.
142
00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:13,767
I mean, every year you trot me off
to the ladies, full of hopes...
143
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:16,770
...and every year we come back
with your tail between my legs.
144
00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:20,540
I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life...
145
00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:22,442
...down here in this basement.
146
00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:25,345
So I'm here to teach you to be cool.
147
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:28,482
Mommy!
148
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:31,885
Oh, this is gonna be easy.
149
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:36,957
If you are having trouble with our
automated-telephone system...
150
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:45,899
...and would like a live operator
to assist you...
151
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,968
...press 0 now.
152
00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:51,771
If not,
this recording will begin again.
153
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:59,513
Welcome to Irv's World of Junk.
154
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:05,986
Peggy, it's 2:00 in the morning.
155
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:15,795
I know, but this is an emergency.
I really don't know what to do.
156
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:19,633
-I think Bud has lost his mind.
-Well, Peggy, don't worry.
157
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,636
I'm sure all Bud needs
is a man to talk to.
158
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:26,940
Where can we find one?
159
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:30,343
Where can we find one?
Al, have you seen a man?
160
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:33,580
No, but I've seen a woman
who can make one sterile.
161
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,986
Look, Peggy,
maybe you're overreacting.
162
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:43,356
You know, he's right. Maybe Bud's
just going through a normal phase.
163
00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:45,258
Don't talk to me that way,
Bud Bundy.
164
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,727
Who you calling Bud Bundy?
165
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:52,365
Maybe you should just seal him up now
and cut your losses.
166
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,267
Jefferson,
go down and talk to the boy.
167
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:57,103
Why me? Why can't Al do it?
168
00:13:57,270 --> 00:14:01,141
If your car is a Pacer, press 61.
169
00:14:02,776 --> 00:14:05,812
If your car is a Studebaker, press 62.
170
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,117
Well, how about Kelly?
171
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,220
She's working the late shift
at the diner.
172
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:15,789
-It's up to you, Jefferson.
-But, Marcie, he's nuts.
173
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:17,624
And he could be dangerous.
174
00:14:17,791 --> 00:14:21,661
You go down there. You're the one with
the million-dollar life insurance policy.
175
00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:26,433
What million-dollar
life insurance policy?
176
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:31,705
We'll talk later.
I gotta go help out the boy.
177
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:40,880
Hi there, Bud.
178
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:43,550
Hey, your mo--
179
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:48,021
Your mother says there's a little
something that's bothering you.
180
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,924
How about talking to old Jefferson
about it?
181
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:54,094
He thinks I'm not cool.
182
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,736
Well, we can't have that.
183
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:05,605
Now, see here, Mr. Horsy.
184
00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:08,108
Bud Bundy is a friend of mine.
185
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:11,544
You be nice to him
or there'll be no oats for you.
186
00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:15,815
"Please give me oats, Mr. D'Arcy.
187
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:21,655
I won't be mean to Bud anymore."
188
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,126
There, Bud.
189
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,228
I've taken care of it.
190
00:15:28,895 --> 00:15:31,131
You know what I used to do
when I was your age...
191
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:33,500
...and I was feeling down
and out like this?
192
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,369
I'd get me a woman.
193
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:40,674
And we'd do it like animals
in the car.
194
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,910
It always made me feel better.
195
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,180
You should try it, Bud.
196
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:52,452
Here. It's on me.
197
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:02,996
Just make sure it stays on you.
198
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:13,340
-What a moron.
-What a moron.
199
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:17,310
Okay, back to cool school.
200
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:21,114
What you need to change
isn't your looks, it's your approach.
201
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,717
Now, you listen, me.
202
00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:26,319
Now, sure I've made a few mistakes
with the babes...
203
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,388
...but I've also had my share
of successes.
204
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:33,259
Well, then, let's just look at some
of these successes, shall we?
205
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,562
Roll the tape.
206
00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:45,739
Need some help?
207
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:50,377
One good turn deserves another.
208
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:54,948
I saw this movie where
this mannequin came to life...
209
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:58,218
...so if you can talk, please do.
210
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,521
Bud.
211
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,492
Oh, my God.
212
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,761
You know my name.
213
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,864
Do you also know what I like?
214
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:14,467
Reginald Bundy, critic for The Times.
215
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:17,504
You know, I get so few chances
to see films with the public.
216
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:20,507
This time I wanna watch a film
exactly as the people do.
217
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:23,343
So, if you don't mind....
218
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:33,586
Well, guys, I guess you're on your own.
Monique wants to go upstairs.
219
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,455
Later, gators.
220
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:42,796
Why can't guys be like Bud?
221
00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:45,098
Let's face it.
222
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,434
We're with boys.
223
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:51,371
Bud is a man. He knows
how to treat a lady.
224
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:16,696
So, what's your point?
225
00:18:18,031 --> 00:18:21,501
My point is,
you have no respect for women.
226
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:24,671
I mean, you treat them as objects
rather than real people.
227
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,907
Look, I don't like it either, all right.
228
00:18:28,074 --> 00:18:31,478
But sometimes, to get the babes
to put out, you gotta pretend.
229
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:33,146
Now...
230
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:36,149
...I'm gonna give you
one last chance.
231
00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:49,529
Easy there, froggy.
232
00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:52,665
Go slow.
Show her what you've learned.
233
00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:55,969
And above all, respect her.
234
00:19:07,046 --> 00:19:09,782
Smooth move, Gilligan.
235
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:14,554
I can't stand your bumbling
any longer.
236
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:17,557
Look, let's face it...
237
00:19:18,091 --> 00:19:21,094
...your body isn't big enough
for the both of us.
238
00:19:22,095 --> 00:19:23,363
Your responses indicate...
239
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:28,902
...that you own a burnt sienna,
mid-century Dodge with 800,000 miles.
240
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:32,872
To verify this information, press 1.
241
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,543
Hello, Mr. Bundy.
242
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:47,520
A live operator will be with you
in a moment.
243
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,624
Peg, a real person's gonna be
on with me in a minute.
244
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:55,395
-That's nice, dear.
-Help me! Help me!
245
00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:59,299
-He's trying to merge with me!
-I'll save you, baby.
246
00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:00,767
Al, call the police.
247
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:19,218
-Bud? Do you need someone to talk to?
-Mom!
248
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,788
Pull him off me!
He's taking over, Mom!
249
00:20:21,955 --> 00:20:23,256
Pull him off me!
250
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:26,826
Well, I don't know, honey.
He's really, really big.
251
00:20:28,161 --> 00:20:30,229
I better just go get your daddy
to help me.
252
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:33,366
You hold him there. I'll be right back.
253
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,637
Hello, Mr. Bundy.
254
00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:40,306
Operator? You're alive!
255
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:44,243
Barely, but it beats selling
Time-Life Books.
256
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:48,214
Now, if you'll give me your credit card
number, we'll send your part right out.
257
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:50,650
Al. Al, you have to help our son.
258
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:53,620
Not now, Peg. I got a live person
on the phone here. Oh, man!
259
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:56,255
In a couple of hours
I'm gonna be tooling in my Dodge.
260
00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:58,391
Operator, I gotta go get my wallet.
261
00:20:58,558 --> 00:21:00,960
Out of the way, woman!
262
00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:07,834
Hi, Bud. How you doing?
263
00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:12,005
I'm cool. It's cool.
264
00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:14,107
Everything's cool...
265
00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:17,777
...now.
266
00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:22,849
Bud, you know,
it's never too late to take vitamins.
267
00:21:23,016 --> 00:21:25,585
Oh, I had my PEZ this morning, Mom.
268
00:21:26,219 --> 00:21:28,888
About that PEZ....
269
00:21:29,055 --> 00:21:32,892
Damn job. Damn life. Damn diner.
270
00:21:35,928 --> 00:21:39,265
Daddy says never waste electricity.
271
00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:42,435
-Hi, pumpkin.
-Hi, Daddy.
272
00:21:42,602 --> 00:21:45,004
-I got a real person.
-Good, Daddy.
273
00:21:54,013 --> 00:21:56,182
If you build it...
274
00:21:56,349 --> 00:21:58,451
...he will come.
275
00:22:01,721 --> 00:22:04,357
If you want them to build it for you...
276
00:22:04,524 --> 00:22:06,325
...press 1.
21376
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