Original subtitles

Previously on L .A. Law. A judge getting divorced isn't all that different from

anyone else getting divorced.

The authority of your office doesn't insulate you from the pain of a failed

marriage. You are going through a very real event.

You know that guy Jerry I'm dating?

Well, he's got a friend, David Meyer.

Thought it'd be fun for the four of us to go out.

What's he like?

He's single. He's loaded.

He has a pulse.

Are you flirting with the client, Mr. Becker?

No, Your Honor.

Because I'm a judge?

Because...

I wouldn't want to lose your respect and I hope your friendship by being a jerk.

I'm paying this direct marketing firm to give me those who have gone from less

populous areas to more populous areas because maybe, just maybe, that means

square footage to less square footage. Tell me, what product do I sell them?

I have no idea, David. Pre -fabricated storage facilities.

But if you think you can handle more...

If you're not afraid of a real relationship, you know where to find me.

Hi.

So if we get started, I'm not sure where it's going to lead.

Me neither.

You didn't tell them that it was my birthday, did you?

No. Oh, good. I hate it when they bring that little cake with the candle on it.

I think it's nice. Birthdays are fun.

I've always dreaded birthdays.

It reminded me I'm another year older and still alone.

You're not alone now.

Happy birthday, Mr. Becker.

Happy doesn't begin to describe the way you make me feel.

And for the first time in my life, I feel like I really have something to

celebrate.

These last few weeks together, I never knew that it could be like this.

Will you look at me?

Will you make me feel?

How do I make you feel?

Naked.

Like everybody in the room can see me.

Well, try to keep your collar on.

At least till we get home.

Why don't you stay here and take off your clothes?

I need a minute to get ready.

Sounds exciting.

It will be.

I promise.

Ready?

It's your birthday, Counselor. Turn on the light.

I want to see you in your birthday suit.

Surprise!

You got me.

No.

Oh, Rox, I finally got your tax return. We're going to have to sit down, okay?

Is it okay?

Well, we'll talk.

Why don't you catch me right after the staff meeting?

People, before we get started, I'd like to say to all of you who participated in

my surprise party last night, from the heart of my bottom...

Thank you. It was one of the most memorable birthdays I've ever had, and I

long remember it. Well, we will remember it long, too.

And I'm going to get you for this.

Pressing forward, Miss Kelsey, what is Julius Goldfarb, a .k .a.

Salamander, versus Harris Productions, Inc.? Julius is an actor who played the

comic book character Salamander in the short -lived 1981 TV series of the same

name. Is this the guy who slithers up walls and lashes at villains with his

-like tongue?

The very one.

Anyway, Mr.

Goldfarb has been eking out a modest living, making promotional appearances

schools, supermarkets, shopping malls in his salamander suit.

Harris Productions is attempting to enjoin him from any further use of the

or likeness of the character because they're going to do a remake of the TV

series and they want to cast a different actor. Need I ask why we are

representing this reptile?

Apparently he's Ralph Mishkin's nephew.

What can I say?

Say no more.

Victor, welcome back from Worcester, Matt.

Thanks. Where do we stand with the Byron DeBeck will contest?

Hey, getting kind of hairy, Doug.

One of the twins, Holly, now says that she left home because DeBeck's fatherly

love for them had suddenly taken a turn towards the incestuous.

What's that got to do with Tina Benici?

Well, Holly says, and the other twin doesn't deny it, that this is all Tina's

idea. that as the old man's dominatrix, she got him hooked on cocaine, and she

was planning to videotape them all at a family orgy. Well, a family that plays

together stays together.

Honestly, this is the sickest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, it's not a pretty picture.

So, what's next, Victor?

Well, I'm going to be here until Wednesday, and then I'm going to fly

Cabo San Lucas to meet with a man by the name of Carlos Ramon Garza.

who owns the fishing boat that the twins spent three weeks on with the mystery

lover boy from the Reagan administration.

Keep us posted. I will, Doug. I will. Oh, speaking of orgy, I am sorry that I

missed your birthday party, Arnie. I hear it was lots of fun.

It had its high points.

Lastly, Stuart.

My phone keeps ringing off the hook from irate clients upset about their tax

returns. What is going on? Well, it's a nightmare, Douglas.

See, the revised 1040s are even more complicated this year than last, and the

all -new 8000 series is just impossible.

Then there's the Omnibus Reconciliation Act of 1987, which is designed to close

all the loopholes of the Tax Reform Act of 1986, except Congress hasn't bothered

to pass all the key parts yet. The net result of which being is I filed a

number of extensions, accounting fees are up 25 to 35 percent, and my clients

don't know whether to poop green or jump off a building. That's what's going on.

Any more smart questions?

Well...

On that sour note, I think we're adjourned.

Abby, do you want to go?

Sure.

Estoppel. Now, what's the thing?

Estoppel? It means it may be too late for the producers to stop you.

They knew six years ago that you were going to shopping malls dressed as a

salamander. They never said anything.

They didn't authorize it either. Doesn't matter. You relied on their

acquiescence. I think we're going to win.

I can't thank you enough, Ms. Kelsey, for...

Taking over the case with the last second like this, you've given me some

hope. Hey, I'm a lawyer, you're a reptile. Consider this a professional

courtesy.

You know, lots of people think I'm loony to do this.

But being the salamander, it gives me pleasure.

And it seems to bring pleasure to a lot of other people, especially the

children.

I don't know too many jobs that can do that.

Neither do I.

Ten o 'clock tomorrow morning, in court, wear a tie.

I'll be there.

And thanks again.

Mr.

Goldfarb? Yes.

I have a big fan of yours here who'd like to meet you.

Certainly. And you are?

Benny Stolwitz.

Very nice to meet you, Benny.

I see you on TV.

I like when you climb those walls.

Would you like me to show you?

How I do that?

Yeah.

Can we go somewhere private?

Because we can't let everybody else see. Would that be all right?

Sure. Well, we can go to the file room.

Onward, ho.

I'm going to the file room with the salamander.

Yep.

I feel like I'm waiting for test results back from the doctor.

You've got a tax problem.

A big one.

How big?

Well, you're the IRS 11 ,000 insane.

What? And an additional $3 ,500 to the state.

That's impossible.

No, no, it's not. It's based on an annual income of $91 ,000.

$91 ,000? Yeah, well, that's inclusive of your profits from your little

adventure in insider trading.

I gave it back. Rox, giving it back was the criminal penalty. The IRS still

counts it as taxable income.

I'm broke.

I have no assets.

I owe over $4 ,500 on my credit card.

Can your family help?

I can't ask them.

Besides, they don't have it to give.

Then your only other realistic option is a wage earner plan.

What's that mean?

It's a form of bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy? Yep.

Absolutely not. No. Wait a minute.

I am not a failure.

Rox, nobody said you were a failure.

That's what it means.

No. No, no. What it means is you agree to consolidate your debts, you agree to

pay back your creditors over a three -year period, a certain amount on the

dollar. A lot of people do it.

I am not filing bankruptcy, Stuart. That's final.

Then what are you going to do?

I'll get the money.

How?

I'm not sure yet.

Get it quick. They're not going to wait a long time.

Rent 690, utilities 185.

Your fixed expenses are almost 900 a month right there.

You'd be looking at a payment of nearly 500 a month. And unless you plan on not

eating for the next five years, I don't see how you can take on that obligation

on your salary.

What if I went with a 10 -year term?

Wouldn't that lower the payment? We can't give 10 years on unsecured loans.

Government regulations.

I don't believe this.

I've been coming here for 11 years.

I finance cars here. I've never missed a payment.

I've never bounced a check. And you're a valued customer, believe me.

Look, if there was someone who could co -sign the note as a means of

guaranteeing the loan. What you're saying is I should bring in someone you

trust because you can't trust me. You know if it were up to me, I'd give you

loan. Who the hell is it up to?

The little man who writes the jingle saying you're always here when you need

You know these things work on collateral, and you have... You guys are

something. You didn't need collateral to collect the 18 % interest on my credit

card accounts for the last 10 years.

I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you.

How about telling me you'll help me?

How about telling me you'll go to bat for a long -term customer with some

-term money problems?

My hands are tied, unless you get a co -signer or the situation changes.

If the situation changes, I won't need the money, will I?

Arnold tells me you and Sheila have reached a friendly separation agreement.

I can't tell you the enormous unburdening I feel, which is not to say

part of me isn't mourning the loss of the marriage, but all that tension and

animosity was crippling my work, my relationships.

I really feel this is a new beginning. The four of us spent the weekend at

Esalen. Rusty, me, Sheila, Gordon.

They had a seminar in the extended family, breaking the bondage of sexual

jealousy. Sounds great.

Help me.

Benny. I'm stuck.

Sir Salamander didn't show me how to get down.

How long have you been up there?

Couple hours.

I didn't want to bother anybody.

Well, that's silly, Benny.

You can call us any time you get stuck to a wall.

Well, you can. Come on. Let's see if you can get him down.

And the evidence will further show that all rights pertaining to this fictitious

character reside with my client.

The defendant has no right to personify this creature, and his running around in

that costume is ruining the producer's chance of successfully launching the

remake of the TV series, which series is entirely based upon this crime

-fighting hero.

The harm is imminent.

The harm is irreparable.

Thank you.

Julius Goldfarb has been making public appearances as the salamander ever since

the original television show was canceled.

It has been his livelihood, Your Honor.

We will show that the plaintiff not only knew of these appearances, but quietly

encouraged them, because the exposure generated by this man helped promote

comic book sales.

Now, six years later, they plan to do a remake of the TV show with a new,

younger actor as the salamander, and they want to shut Julius Goldfarb down.

But the principal of Estoppel says they can't do this, Your Honor.

They knew of the appearances. They sat back while he built an entire career

around this creature, and it's too late for them now to say stop.

Your Honor, this man has traveled the country ten times over personifying that

character and the virtues he bestows.

The evidence will show that Julius Goldfarb is the salamander. The evidence

show that Julius Goldfarb will forever be the salamander.

No court could ever change that.

No court should ever try.

Thank you.

I know it sounds harmless. A guy running around in leotards and a tail, who can

it hurt?

But the fact is, he is hurting us.

How so? Well, most of the publicity focuses on his recent eccentricity, his

gratuitous climbing.

We feel it is compromising the integrity of the character.

A character we've invested millions of dollars in. And you really think his

activities can hurt your upcoming television series?

Oh, definitely.

I mean, we're hoping people will tune in to see a modern -day superhero.

Who's going to watch with people thinking, oh, it's that wimpy little

saw at the supermarket?

Objection. Sustained.

I have nothing further.

You've known all along that he was personifying this creature, haven't you?

Oh, we've been mildly aware of it, but... Mildly aware.

Didn't you state in an inter -office memo that Mr. Goldfarb's efforts helped

sustain interest in your comic book?

I did say that, yes.

And isn't it true that one of the reasons you've considered doing the

the TV show is the ongoing success of the comic book?

Yes, but... Well, don't you think it's a little unfair for you to be here now

trying to squash the guy that helped you spin your hay into gold?

Objection. Overall, you may answer.

Look, this is excruciating for me.

I think the world of Julia's, but, well, this is business, is crazy antics that

made our character a joke.

Didn't you say it's your deposition?

that Julius Goldfarb is the greatest amphibian in the history of Hollywood.

And I meant it, but... And at your deposition, Mr. Bates, you also said

whenever you see Julius Goldfarb, you see one thing.

Tell the court what is that one thing, Mr. Bates.

The salamander.

I see the salamander.

No further questions.

You're on.

This is the third war that Mr. Simonetti has dismissed.

The custody of these three children is an issue that needs to be resolved.

So let's resolve it now, Your Honor.

I'll represent myself, Pro Se.

You understand that you're entitled to a continuance in order to obtain new

counsel. I'll waive it.

The defendant is ready.

Your Honor, you've heard the testimony of witnesses.

You've heard from the parties themselves.

I don't think there's any question but that the most stable and nurturing

environment can be provided by these children's mother. You know my kids,

Slick? Mr. Simonetti, you may be representing yourself in these

you will conduct yourself in the appropriate manner.

And that means showing this court the courtesy of addressing your remarks to

bench. Excuse me, Your Honor, I just don't see what's so stable about moving

children 1 ,500 miles from home. My client has her whole family in Chicago.

Who my children don't even know. Thanks to you. Mrs. Simonetti. Your Honor, I

respectfully remind the court that my client instituted this action only after

Mr. Simonetti had made her life a living hell for years. You know because you

were there, right? Mr. Simonetti. Your Honor, I didn't want this divorce.

She dumped me. It's always about you, isn't it, Dominic?

What about me?

Huh? What about when you would stay out for two or three days at a time and not

call? What about the drinking? What about the card games that were still

on when the kids were leaving for school? What about I'm a cop?

You understood what that meant. You're married to a cop.

Not anymore, I'm not. The fact is, Your Honor, that these two people have ceased

being married in all but the technical sense for quite some time. What's that

mean, Judge? That sounds like lawyer talk. It means, in addition to isolating

himself emotionally, Mr. Simonetti has been unable to physically have marital

relations with his wife in over a year.

She tell you that? Mr.

Simonetti. Did you tell him that about me? Yes, I told him that. I told him

everything. Why didn't you just put a bullet in me? You know where I kept the

guns. Will the court please instruct Mr.

Simonetti to dispense with histrionics? You keep talking, you punk bastard. I

don't forget anything. That's enough. You're not scaring me, pal.

This isn't some back alley roust. Mr. Simonetti, you either control yourself

I'm going to throw you out on your ear. Mr. Lustig.

The record will reflect that you are not afraid.

Now, can we all manage to conduct ourselves as if this is a court of law

a street fight? This is no street fight, Judge.

Out on the street, they come at you with a knife or they come at you with a gun.

You watch your back and you got a chance.

In here, they take your secrets.

The times in the middle of the night when you cried like a little boy because

you were scared of dying, when you felt worthless and weak.

See, they feed it all to their lawyers, and then they announce it to the world,

and suddenly you're standing there naked and alone.

What do you think it took to get me to do that, Dominic? How many cop dinners

did I have to go home alone from because you had picked a fight with everyone

there and ended up leaving without me?

How many times did I have to watch you rip apart the house looking for the

microphones that you thought Internal Affairs had planted there?

I mean, how long? am I supposed to go on believing that my husband Dominic is

the one righteous, deserving man wronged by the city, by the department, by the

game players intent on denying him what he is entitled to?

How long am I supposed to be consumed by that the way you are?

Till death do us part, baby.

Till death do us part.

I thought that you handled them very well. I never know how far to let it go.

Well, it's better to let them scream at each other in the courtroom than duke it

out in the hallway.

I'll tell you this. If I had to spend my entire career adjudicating divorces,

I'd quit the bench.

You get used to it.

I don't want to get used to it. I want to get away from it.

Funny you should mention that.

You know, I was going to suggest the following.

Give them your ruling 10 o 'clock Friday morning.

10 .30 Friday morning, we hop in the car, zoom up the coast to Big Sur.

And we lock ourselves in a room at Ventana's for three days.

With a dozen of my closest friends hiding in the bathroom.

Speaking of which, I gotta know.

Did Cusack put you up to it?

He was so persuasive. He's very charming.

He said you did stuff like that back and forth all the time.

Plus, he made me feel like I was part of your inner circle.

I was flattered.

Tell me the truth. Are you mad at me for exposing you to your colleagues?

Joanna, when I'm with you, I've got nothing to hide.

If you're not careful, Mr. Becker, I may fall in love with you.

What do you mean? You haven't yet?

Let's just say I've taken the motion under advisement.

Arnie? Oh, Rox, where's the verification on the Copeland complaint?

It's by the credendum.

Arnie, I need to ask you something.

I'm listening.

I feel terrible asking you this, and I'll understand if you can't, but would

be willing to co -sign a note for me on a loan?

You're buying a car?

No, I owe the IRS $14 ,000 on the money I made from

Jimmy's stock tips.

Oh, boy.

What about the credit union?

I tried.

Rox, it's really not a great time for me right now. I am right on the edge as it

is, and my lease option's up at the end of the month.

I'd make all the payments.

That's not the problem. The problem is I'm negotiating a huge mortgage with the

bank, and another encumbrance is just going to blow me right out of the water.

Do you want me to talk to Brackman? Maybe the firm can loan you the money.

Ernie, Douglas Brackman wanted to fire me.

He's not going to loan me $14 ,000.

Roxanne, I have given you two raises over the last ten months. What are you

doing with your money?

Trying to pay my taxes.

It's not just taxes. You're talking about a litany of debts here, Roxanne,

being overextended.

This is an old song that you're singing.

You're barely making it on a six -figure income. You try living on what I make.

I'm not saying it's a fortune, Roxanne, but you're a single woman with no

dependents, making more money than most families make. Don't talk to me like a

little girl who spent her allowance on candy.

Roxanne, that is exactly what you did, and you're blaming everybody else for it

but yourself.

You have got a hell of a nerve lecturing me the way you throw your money around.

I'm not lecturing you. Look, look, look. I'll solve my problems by myself, okay?

Roxanne. Forget it, Ernie.

Busy?

I can come back.

No, no, no. Come on in. Come on in.

I want to ask you about bankruptcy.

Okay, what about it?

What happened?

Well, you go before a public trustee with a list of your assets and your

creditors and your projected income.

Basically, you're seeking the protection of the court in exchange for which you

agree to abide by a budget and a schedule of repayment.

Will they make me sell off my jewelry?

Things my mother gave me?

Under Chapter 13, you can't lay a glove on it.

All you gotta do is keep up your payments.

How long would it last?

Three years.

Then what?

Then you start fresh, clean slate.

Great.

I'll be 41 years old.

And I won't even have 15 cents to my name.

Look.

I'm not going to tell you. It won't be tough.

A lot of people go through this.

A lot of very responsible, very decent, hard -working people.

I'm so humiliated.

It's going to be okay.

Hey, I said it's going to be okay.

before I break your leg.

I said release her.

Now. Hey, Ricky.

Oh, no, it's the salamander.

Okay,

you can have her. Come on, Ricky.

Salamander, you saved me.

How can I ever thank you?

Wait right here.

I have to go capture them.

Through honesty and justice, virtue shall grow.

Salamander, Salamander.

Onward, ho!

Now, Mr.

Goldfarb, this is the character that you've continued to play for the last

years, correct?

I appear about a half a dozen times a month in shopping malls, arcades,

occasional bowling alleys.

Did you ever consider any other acting role?

Oh, sure.

But the offers didn't exactly flood in. I'm afraid I was a bit typecast.

The producers didn't take me too seriously as an actor.

Would you take another acting part if it came along?

I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but I can't imagine being anything else

right now.

Julius, I want you to try to explain to the judge why this role is so important

to you.

Well, it's the kids, mostly.

I mean, I don't have any family or anything, but wherever I go, I have

kids. By kids, you mean children in general.

It's an amazing thing to be able to entertain children. I mean, I don't have

tell them jokes or give them presents or anything. I am the salamander. And

you'd like to continue as the salamander.

Believe me, I don't travel all over the country in tights living out of a

suitcase for the 15 ,000 that I pull in.

The ability.

The power to make a child smile, to make him happy, is

the most addictive thing that I've ever known.

And what would you do if the judge issued this injunction?

God, I have no idea.

I'd like to think that we're all here to do some good.

I mean, you do good as a lawyer, you as a judge. I think that I do good as the

salamander. Fifteen years from now, you're probably not even going to

this case, but that little boy that I met in the mall last week, the little

in the playground, talk to them 15 years from now.

They'll remember me.

And you know something? I'll probably remember them.

No further questions.

We'll recess till this afternoon.

Rocks! You've got a visitor.

Who is it?

Do you know what he wants? He just said he's a friend of yours.

David.

What are you doing here?

Hi, Rox.

I had business in the building. Thought I'd check in, see how you're doing.

It's really not a great time right now.

Actually, I was a little worried. You never returned any of my phone calls.

Our last date wasn't that bad.

Was it?

It was fine.

So, how about dinner sometime?

That'd be swell.

Tonight? Oh, I can't tonight.

How about tomorrow? Cause I gotta go to Boston over the weekend and who knows, I

could go down in a plane crash and you'd never get to know the real me.

I am not above begging, you know. I just don't want to embarrass you in front of

everybody.

Okay. We're on?

Sure.

So, that's great!

So...

I'll pick you up at 7 .30.

Mr.

Goldfarb, you've tried to do a little more good than just making children

haven't you?

I'm not sure I follow.

Let me help you.

You've been picked up by police for questioning in several different cities,

right? I resent that implication. I have never been arrested.

The reason you've been stopped and detained is because you've been seen

that costume in areas known to be frequented with criminal activity,

There's no law against that.

Turning your attention to October 12th, 1986.

You tried to stop a liquor store holdup, didn't you? I saw a crime in progress,

and yes, I tried to prevent it. You jumped into the store and started

the holdup man with your tail. He was a criminal. And you were a salamander.

Objection. With a citizen's arrest.

Overruled. Mr.

Goldfarb, don't you think running around in a funny little suit taking on real

criminals is kind of silly?

Are you calling law enforcement silly?

Yes.

When you try to take on a loaded gun with a whip -like tongue? Your Honor.

This ridicule is unscrupulous. I'm ridiculing a pathetic little man who

around in a stupid costume.

Stupid. You prance around in tights, screaming at... How dare you!

Mr. Goldfarb.

Sir.

This suit is the symbol of justice to millions of Americans, bub. You wear it

under your clothes?

I always wear it. Mr.

Goldfarb. I am! the son of... Julius.

Evil rears its face in all walks, my foe, even in the guise of plaintive

attorneys. Am I evil?

Counselor, please.

Julius. You seek to defame me? You seek to wreak humiliation on the conqueror of

injustice? Julius.

Mr. Goldfarb, that's quite enough.

No, the killer's hell.

All right.

Stand back.

Bailiff. I said stand back.

Julius, for God's sake.

There he goes.

Mr. Goldfarb, this court orders you to come down.

I am scaling the walls of justice.

This is justice upon justice.

Come down now.

Who was that madman?

Mr. Goldfarb. Julius.

Mr. Goldfarb, I'll have you arrested.

Arrest the salamander?

You are not a judge.

You are not worthy of the robes you wear. No one... There he is.

Stay clear of the hole!

Get him down.

Not to worry. The salamander is undaunted. The salamander is under

Put him in a holding cell. One amphibian standing alone in the fight against

corruption. Through honesty and justice, virtue shall grow.

Salamander! Salamander!

Because I believe it presents the most stable alternative, I am placing custody

of the children with the plaintiff mother.

I understand this entails relocation to Chicago, and while I'm reluctant to see

that much distance placed between a father and his children, there's no

in my mind that this is the least disruptive course to follow.

Needless to say, every effort is to be made to permit Mr. Simonetti to have a

presence in his children's lives.

You know what you're doing. Sit down, Mr. Simonetti. You have any idea what

you're doing? I'm ordering you to sit down. You think you control this room?

Huh? Huh? You think this bailiff gives you that? This is my court, sir, and I

make the rules here. Return to your seat, sir. I spent 20 years on the

You ready?

Dominic, what are you doing?

You ready, my man?

Now, listen and listen good. Take your pizza, put it on the table, and slide it

to me.

Do it.

Come on.

Now, take your stick and put it through those door handles.

You don't get any ideas.

In the future, officer, the first rule of law enforcement is never give up your

peace for anyone.

Paddle, you hit the alarm yet?

That don't make a difference. Just move your desk near the door.

Help her.

Come on, you, hurry it up.

Move it.

And unplug the phone.

I don't want to talk to any cops.

Come on, let's you and me approach the bench, okay?

You scared yet? Is this enough like a back -out route?

Jim and Eddie, why are you doing this?

Why? Well, I tell you, Judge, the one human side I had left was being a

And you just took that away.

It's not exactly a big surprise, the way things were going.

Which is why, in addition to this 9mm Beretta with a 14 -shot clip, I brought

this.

See?

12 -gauge cut -down loaded with 00 buckshot.

Now tell me, Judge.

Who makes the rules now?

I'm sorry, with a salary of $37 ,000, 50 cents on the dollar is not going to

make it here. Come on, anything more than that's oppressive. Look at her

expenses. I see nothing oppressive about trimming her $200 a month clothing

allowance.

See, I work for a law firm, and I have to look right for the clients. Well,

you're going to have to look right for a little less, $50 a month.

This health club membership is disallowed, too.

You can jog in the park.

Monthly transportation seems high.

Well, the bus costs $1 .20 each way. Sometimes I work late and I have to take

cabs. $90 is still excessive.

A monthly bus pass is $44, and when you work late, the firm should pay the cab

fare. I'll give you $55.

Entertainment expenses.

No way.

None of it.

Ms. Melman, you are going into bankruptcy here, and that means...

The people you owe are not going to be paid. Your creditors are going to be

upset, justifiably so, and I am not going to compound their anger by giving

movie money.

I'll take your credit cards.

Clerk.

I'll make my recommendation after further review of your bank statements,

want a salary verification from her place of employment as well.

Doing okay?

They confiscated my suction cups.

Let's not worry about your suction cups right now.

Everything's going to be all right.

I mean, people are going to hear about this and they're all going to come out

and support me.

I'm going to become famous again.

Julius. Listen, I want you to contact my agent because I bet the producers are

trying to get in touch with him because I bet they want me for the remake now.

I mean, now that they know that I am the real thing.

Julius, nobody's coming out to support you.

Nobody's calling your agent.

The producers just want you to go away, and it's a cinch they'll get the court

to back them up.

Listen to me.

The hospital wants to commit you.

I'm telling you, as your lawyer, if they think you can't distinguish between

your real self and that crime -fighting creature, they're going to get you

locked up. Do you understand me, Julius?

Please, Julius, give up the salamander. It doesn't exist.

You have to forget about it now for your own sake. You have to now.

Then I have nothing.

I have nothing forever.

What am I going to do?

This is the only thing that I know.

This is the only thing that I am.

21 years of kicking ass and taking names and I'm still on patrol.

21 years of wading into the projects in the streets to stare down and whack out

degenerates who thought they were King Kong.

21 years of bringing him in only to see geniuses like you turn him loose again.

Dom.

What, honey?

What is it?

I want you to stop this.

Oh, do you?

Yes, I do.

Tell me.

You and your lawyer been playing around?

Huh? Oh, Dominic. Oh, no, I know you've been going out. I just want to know if

it's been with him.

I mean, you spent all this time together. He understood what you were

through.

You caught him staring at you. You stared back. Huh?

Bingo. What a thrill to be single again instead of married to some burnt -out

wreck of a cop.

You're crazy, Dominic.

Yeah. All cops are crazy.

It comes from having eyes in the back of their heads.

Cops, cops, cops! God, I am sick to death of hearing about cops!

Just what is it that makes you think you're so special? Only another cop

the answer to that, baby. Another cop?

You hate other cops.

From the rookies you can't depend on to the bureaucrats who plot against you

behind your back. To the wife who stabs me in the back.

Dominic, I begged you to get help. From where? A department shrink? You're the

one who's supposed to help me. I tried. You walked away.

You took my kids and you walked.

You're not blameless in all this. I never walked away. You made my life

unbearable.

Unbearable.

You ever hear of loyalty, Vicki?

Blind, unflinching loyalty of duty and children and forever.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, Dominic.

I just couldn't stay married to you anymore.

Maybe that makes me a lousy person, but I just couldn't. Put your head back

down.

Mr. Simonetti, don't make it any harder on your kids than it already is.

Hey, Judge.

I know the speech. I've given it myself.

The trouble is, it only works if the person you're giving it to isn't ready

die. I don't believe you're ready to die.

You don't?

You carry a badge and a gun, and the only people who take you seriously are

and criminals.

I take you seriously, Mr. Sears. You take this seriously.

This.

Tell me, Your Honor, what do I have to do for you to start taking me seriously?

What do I have to do for you to understand how much I love my kids?

Prove that you love them.

Put the gun down.

Don't ruin their lives by pulling that trigger.

I was always a good father to them, wasn't I, Vicki?

Oh, yes, Dominic.

They'll always know how much I love them, huh?

You think that they're done needing to know that?

You're their father.

You'll never stop being their father.

We brought three children into this world.

Please. Please don't abandon them, Dominic.

Please don't abandon them.

Here

you

are, Judge. I'm your court officer.

Take my firearms and place me under arrest.

Here they come.

Okay, get the cameras ready. Oh, sir. Excuse me. Sir.

Marty. Excuse me, sir. Ma 'am. You all right?

I'm okay.

Everyone's all right.

How's Monica?

She's fine.

Let's get out of here.

Mr. Becker, can you give me a minute?

Okay.

Let's go.

With me is matrimonial attorney Arnold Becker, who was one of those held

hostage. What was it like in there, Mr. Becker?

It was kind of frightening, but I think everybody handled it very well. What was

your impression of the gunman?

I'm just grateful that he surrendered without hurting anyone. I can't really

speak about him beyond that. Thank you, Mr. Becker.

This is the second courtroom explosion in as many days. You'll remember that

just yesterday, 43 -year -old Julius Goldfarb literally climbed the walls of

justice in his salamander costume, complete with lethal tail and tongue.

The happy reptile is currently taking the day off from crime fighting while he

undergoes a psychiatric evaluation.

That's it from here. From Superior Court in downtown Los Angeles, I'm Janet

Pierce.

Benny, can I talk to you for a minute?

You're sad about Julius, aren't you?

Is he gone forever?

No, just for a little while until he's better.

It isn't good to believe in a salamander, is it?

Because he isn't really real.

Well, the salamander is make -believe.

But the things that he reminds us of, to be honest, to care for other people, to

be kind, those things are very real.

And so is the happiness that Julius brings to people when he acts as a

salamander.

You can understand that, can't you, Benny?

I think.

It's going to be okay, Benny.

Through honesty and justice, virtue shall grow.

Salamander, salamander, onward ho.

So I told the broker, who does he think he's kidding?

I know the condo market here in Bunker Hill. I mean, it's not like we're

about some great investment property here.

So anyway, we're going to get back to the cellar, and if he comes down, great.

And if not, I'll just keep schlepping in from Sherman Oaks.

So, what do you think?

About what?

Come on, Rox, if you're going to make me hold up both ends of the conversation,

at least have the courtesy to feign a little interest.

But I'm not interested.

You've been talking about yourself ever since we sat down, all night.

Your business deals, your money.

I don't give a damn how much money you make or what stuff you want to buy.

What's wrong with you, Roxanne?

I spent the whole afternoon in bankruptcy court, David.

I owe the government $14 ,000, and I'm completely broke.

I had a judge put me on an allowance, talking to me like I'm nine years old,

I've had to sit here looking at a bottle of champagne that would take me three

weeks to pay for while you wax on about condos.

Why didn't you call me? I could have loaned you the money.

What good would that do?

Trading one debt for another.

Look, it's not the end of the world, Rox.

It's got to be pretty damn close.

I'm 38 years old.

and I've got absolutely nothing.

No family, no money.

Every nickel I make for the next three years will be doled to me by a court.

I don't have a car.

I can't take a vacation.

I've got no control over my own life.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I've got to go.

Hungry? Not really.

Did you cancel the reservations?

You know, I really thought that he was going to do it. It looked like he was

going to kill you.

Consider my view of it.

Made me think about what I'd be losing.

I mean, when the lights go out, that's it. And here I am, this 37 -year -old

who scrambled his whole life to avoid getting tied down.

You were just having too much fun.

Maybe that's what it looked like, but really I was just thinking that there

might be something better over the next hill, that if I commit to this, what

happens when that comes along?

But what really happens is everything passes you by and you look desperately

trying to pretend like fun is what you're having.

We're both here, baby.

He didn't touch a hair on our heads.

Don't let me wreck things, Monica.

I'm afraid that's what I'll do.

There's nothing that says you have to.

When I looked at you today with that gun pointed at your head, I said to myself,

God, please don't take her from me.

Let me grow old near the woman I love.

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