Original subtitles

Previously on L .A. Law.

What happened between us was one of those things that occasionally just

between two people.

Gee, I was kind of looking forward to it happening again.

I don't think it will.

I've left my husband.

We got into a fight about his drinking, and when I told him that I would leave

him if he didn't stop, he became abusive, and he threatened me.

The thing is, I'm engaged.

I'm getting married in three weeks.

What about these feelings that we have?

It's the nice thing about being a grown -up, Mr. Cusack.

Having them doesn't mean we have to act on them.

Good morning, Mr. Rathman. Miss Melman.

Victor!

How goes it?

Good. Good.

Very good.

How long have you been with us now, Victor?

Well, it's closing in on eight or nine days now.

Getting acclimated?

So far, so good. Good.

I was thinking, it might be nice if we got to know each other outside the

office.

Maybe come to the house for dinner sometime.

That'd be nice.

How about tonight?

Tonight? I'd have to check on my calendar.

Try.

7 .30.

Come alone.

Be there, or be square.

Hi there, kid.

Hi, Rox.

How we doing?

Oh, I'm surviving.

You hang in there, honey.

You may not realize it yet, but you're better off without him.

Thanks, Roxanne. Really.

Men, take away the sex part and the security part, and they're the total

In consideration of which, we will be substantially reducing our purchases of

Perrier and other soft drinks.

Therefore...

I strongly urge you to limit consumption to one refreshment per client.

God, Douglas.

This firm's monthly beverage bill has leapfrogged into the low four figures.

A dehydrated clientele is an unhappy clientele, Douglas.

Let them drink water.

Now, if you don't mind, status re Lewis tax audit.

He's coming in at 11 .30. I continue to advance the notion of postponement.

Stewart is ready.

Irving is adamant.

No postponement. So be it. What about Rosen versus Rosen?

Settling. Galloway versus Galloway. Substantive issues resolved. They're

beefing over the custody of Squeaker.

Squeaker? They're Yorkie. Mrs. Galloway refers to it as Squeaker of the house.

Snyder versus Snyder. Mr. Snyder claims that Mrs. Snyder was unfaithful on 14

separate occasions one weekend in Vegas.

Mrs. Snyder essentially agrees, but alleges it was at the request of Mr.

who desperately needed immediate cash to save his floundering go -go bar in Long

Beach. I know I shouldn't touch it, but it's a classic in its genre.

Perkins versus Perkins.

Mr. Perkins is under a TRO pending the court's ruling on custody and visitation

of their mother's son, Eric.

We wish you well, Ms. Perkins, during your time of emotional travail.

Thank you.

Moving on.

Lachlan v.

Peer Amusement Park, Inc.

Proceeding to trial when?

This afternoon.

That's pretty short notice. Are you fully prepared?

Does a chicken have lips?

Stepping in for a deceased attorney, you're certainly entitled to a

This case has been dragging on for four years.

We wait for a new court date.

That's another year.

Aren't the issues rather clear -cut, anyway?

Young boy suffers devastating neurological damage due to negligent

amusement park ride.

Jury empathizes copiously. Comes back with large award.

I know the lawyer was a friend of yours, Leland, but his pre -trial preparation

is inexcusably sloppy.

Minimal discovery and a low -rent Dr. Feelgood is his expert witness.

Frankly, I find that surprising.

In his day, Donald Erlinger was the best there was.

May I ask a question?

And? Does a chicken have lips?

No, no, no, I see. The point is, when a client is present at an IRS appeal, it's

another wild card. Yeah, I agree with Leland. We give up a lot in the way of

leverage. Irving, if Leland or I were to accompany Stewart down there, would

that make you more confident?

What's the big tenet here, anyway?

Three million dollars, Mr. Lewis.

If the IRS determines that Mrs. Lewis' show business career constituted a hobby

rather than a legitimate business... That's two million eight plus penalties.

I'll be my tuchus. When they see her new video, they're going to wind up owing

us money.

This woman is a white Whitney Houston.

I'll go to the Supreme Court if I have to.

Hopefully,

that won't be necessary.

You see, the appeal officer in this case is a gentleman named Marv Fletcher.

Marv's got a drinking problem.

Well, we'll bury him in paper. Then around 4 or 4 .30, when his mouth starts

feeling dry, we'll come in with a lowball offer.

I postponed four times till we got him. Good.

I like that kind of thinking, but trust me, this baby is the clincher. You

fellas got a VCR machine here anywhere?

You're in for a treat.

Sorry, I left the phone.

Is this woman a petal?

Good afternoon, ladies, gentlemen.

With your indulgence, I'd like to tell you a once -upon -a -time story.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Jamie Laughlin.

He was 70 years old.

He was happy and healthy and normal in every way.

His favorite things were Rocky Road ice cream, his little dog Misty, the Dodgers

baseball team, and the amusement park that was less than a mile from his

One day, as a reward for sweeping up all the leaves in the backyard, Jamie's

mother gave him $5.

He took the money, ran to the amusement park, rode the merry -go -round twice,

played skee -ball in the Penny Arcade.

But what Jamie really wanted to do was ride the bumper cars.

only as long as he could remember, he'd been turned away from the bumper car

ride because there was a sign outside that said how tall you had to be.

And little Jamie's head never reached anywhere near the top of the sign.

Only on this day, there was a new guy working there.

A teenager, actually, who was too busy trying to make a date with a pretty

blonde girl in shorts to pay much attention to Jamie.

So, Jamie paid his 50 cents, and happy as could be, he climbed into a bumper

car.

Now, I know that in a good once -upon -a -time story, this would be the happy

ending.

But, unfortunately, in our story, this is where it gets dark and ugly,

the way real life sometimes does.

You see, on this particular day, there was a gang of high school boys at the

park. When they saw little Jamie in the bumper car, they decided, the way

bullies often do,

that it would be fun to gang up on someone who couldn't fight back.

The sport was to get Jamie, to hit him and then hit him again, smashing into

this undersized boy in this inadequately cushioned bumper car over and over

again, head on, blindside from the rear, making him shriek and cry and beg

for them to stop.

Only they didn't stop.

So they just kept hitting Jamie.

He remembers 20, 25 times his little body and neck

whipping back and forth until finally he doesn't remember anything at all.

Until the next day when he woke up in a hospital room.

Now, I know that we are asking for a lot of money today to compensate Jamie for

the injuries he suffered in the bumper car.

A million dollars.

A fortune, you might say.

But is it?

How do you measure compensation for the kind of searing, bone -gnashing,

blinding pain that this little boy suffers every day of his life since the

bumper car assault?

The truth is, there isn't any amount of money adequate enough to compensate for

so much pain.

But unfortunately, money is the best we can do toward addressing Jamie's

grievous injuries and...

toward punishing the amusement park so that this sort of thing never happens

again.

Unfortunately, not exactly a fairytale ending.

But in real life, the best we can do.

Thank you.

It is nearing 4 p .m. We will recess for the day, and we shall reconvene at 9 a

.m.

It's just the Fuentes I presume.

Yes, Bracken.

Sheila, come in, come in.

You?

They're lovely. It's such a pleasure to meet you. Douglas has spoken so highly

of you. Oh, thank you. And you're so tall.

Amigo.

Welcome, Bracken.

Come.

Estella?

Estella Escobar.

Meet...

Victor Cifuentes.

We're not just talking your average housekeeper. I mean, Maria is an

gem. A valued member of their family, almost.

Trisha left to drive the Mercedes wagon, for God's sake.

So, here they are, schlepping out of Gelson's with $200 worth of groceries.

Maria and both Gutman children.

When these INS goons...

sweep down on them from literally nowhere, and kidnap this poor woman out

parking lot.

Thank God Tricia was home taking a tennis lesson. She rushed out and picked

the children, but can you imagine?

It was devastating.

Her little ones are still traumatized. Every time, Tricia just drives Pascal

since the children start to shriek.

Speaking of which, Estella, darling.

Esta... Possible.

So, what do you think?

Oh, she's very nice.

You can see why we're so anxious to keep her.

Keep her?

A seller, of course.

A housekeeper.

She's your housekeeper?

From El Salvador. And frankly, Victor, we're worried sick about losing her.

Particularly after that nightmare the Gutmans have gone through.

That's why we were hoping, after you met her, of course, that you'd want to help

her out.

Well, I'm no expert on immigration law, but I'd certainly be willing to initiate

the paperwork.

I could do that myself, amigo.

But with the INS cracking down harder every day, and it takes years to get

their green cards, actually, I was wondering if you'd be amenable to

Strictly for convenience sake, of course.

And I can assure you it wouldn't hurt you career -wise.

And after a year or so, she files for divorce.

You've got a hell of a nerve setting me up like this.

Pimping for your housekeeper, humiliating her. No wonder she couldn't

the eye. Calm down. Calm down?

What have you got in between your ears anyway? It can't be brain. You're

on them. Forget about it. No big deal.

Ta -da!

Victor, wait until you taste this woman's salon.

I suppose I owe you an apology.

You got that right. On review, it was insensitive of me not to tell you my

before springing at life.

Insensitivity aside, what you were trying to do is illegal.

Shh. I regard it as a great favor, Victor. A great favor.

If you would take on her case.

By the numbers. No hanky -panky.

Please, Victor.

I'm a desperate man.

Sheila is virtually paralyzed with fear that Estella is going to be picked up in

one of those sweeps.

It's all I hear about night and day.

If not for me, then for Estella.

I've already started the paperwork.

It's not her fault you're such a jerk.

Mr. Laughlin, finally would you describe, not as an expert, but just as

father, the changes in Jamie since the accident?

He was always, uh... You know, the happiest kind of kid.

Big smile on his face.

Sunshine.

His mother used to call him that before.

And now he's, uh... He...

See, the doctors say that there's nothing they can do, but I know

that that's not true.

I read about this clinic in Switzerland, and... If we had the money, I...

Objection! Irrelevant! Maybe we could do something for Jamie. Objection

sustained.

Mr. Laughlin, you will please confine yourself to answering the question as

posed.

I'm sorry, Your Honor.

It's just that... It's just that he's my boy.

The hour is approaching noon. We will recess until 1 p .m.

At that time, we will resume Mr. Laughlin's testimony.

We'll be going over some of the possible questions.

Cusack!

If you could spare a moment of your time.

Excuse me. Catch up.

You're really very skillful, Mr. Cusack.

If I was on that jury, you'd have me in your pocket.

Do I take this to be your opening move in the settlement tangle, Mr. Messler?

Not exactly.

I believe you to be an ethical man, Mr. Cusack.

Accordingly, I'm going to assume you knew nothing about this. I didn't until

yesterday. A revised list of the witnesses I intend to call.

Under the circumstances, I wouldn't object if you asked for a contiguous.

Who's Dr. Maxwell Rosen?

Ask your clients.

Somehow, during discovery, they managed to forget all about him. You might also

want to ask about the Arnold Wexler attorney.

Lachlan legally adopted the boy shortly after at the bumper car incident.

Are there any other witnesses I should ask my client about?

Several. Though I'm not certain how Judge Nisaki would feel about their

in his courtroom.

Foxy Lady, Rupert's Pride, Dilly Dally.

Just a few of Mr. Laughlin's losers this weekend at Hollywood Park.

It is not a crime to play the ponies, Mr. Reznor.

True.

And if Jamie's case doesn't pan out, he'll even have his own personal injury

suit when both his legs get broken.

Your loving, devoted, selfless daddy, Mr. Cusack, is in deep with the books.

It's a big deal. Rosen testifies for them. We got Dr. Phillips on our team.

According to Dr. Rosen's sworn statement, he treated Jamie after the

accident. Diagnosis?

Superficial abrasions and cervical strain.

In other words, scratches and a mild whiplash.

You're a smart lawyer, Mr. Cusack. You can trick him up on the stand, make him

look like an incompetent.

Dr. Rosen also treated Jamie two years prior to the bumper car incident when he

fell out of a swing set in your backyard.

It says here Jamie was in a coma for seven days, hospitalized for a total of

three weeks. He needed an orthopedic brace and physical therapy for 11

You have any idea how much something like that costs?

Huh? Damn near broke my back.

So, when this other thing happened, you figured you could get even.

You adopted Jamie, legally changed his name so that the medical records on this

earlier accident couldn't be traced.

Look at him.

He is never going to be completely normal. You don't think he deserves some

of help?

What?

You want my heart to bleed for the insurance company? They got more money

God.

I mean, who is it going to hurt, huh?

Just tell me that.

Who the hell is it going to hurt?

As we assess it, the taxpayer has deprived the government of $2 ,823 ,418

uncollected revenues.

Over my dead body.

Irving, please.

Mr. Fletcher, I can certainly see how at first blush you might assess things

that way.

Which is why I prepared a few additional table schedules and indices for you to

peruse. Excuse me.

Rick?

Want to bring him in now?

Oh, Lord.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with the first step, Mr. Fletcher.

So, uh... Excuse me?

Pardon me?

So, uh... In no particular order?

Yeah, here's a schedule of deductions arising from Mrs. Lewis's recent video

set, appended to which is a discussion of the implications of the proposed tax

revision on the investment tax credit of SANE. Before we need even consider the

specific deductions, I must first be persuaded that Mrs. Lewis had a bona

intent to make a profit.

Quite frankly, in the absence of income -generating activities... In Vegas, they

paid her $100 ,000.

Yeah, she sang two numbers in the 1984 telethon. I'd be willing to bet $100

was paid pursuant to her agreement that she donated back to the charity.

By me, she makes Streisand look like amateur knights.

Frankly, Mr. Fletcher, I anticipated you having some problems in this area, and

that's why I prepared this schedule for your convenience.

118 .83, good morning, Omaha. She earned $137 .50.

325 Regis Philbin Show, 137 .50, 430 In the Kitchen with Dinah. I'm afraid not,

gentlemen. Even if, arguendo, I am convinced there is a bona fide intent,

so -called business expenses are completely out of line and grossly

income. Which ones exactly?

$127 ,000 for hairstyling.

Well, I should point out, Mr. Fletcher, that's hairstyling and nail maintenance.

But here it is right here.

Hairstyling. Here we go.

We'll start in 1983.

1 -1, shampoo, cut, and blow dry. You with me?

$250, and there's a $50 gratuity as well.

1 -2, full set of porcelain nail, $75.

By the way, my car's in the lot. It'll be okay there after dark, won't it? Now

look at this.

$863 ,000 for a wardrobe.

It's over a three -year period.

And I'm sure if you'll just be a little patient, you'll see that every dollar is

accounted for. Here we go.

You?

Right, 1 ,383, Bugle Beach, you with me?

So that's red, $312, blue, $289, gold, $371.

Ah, no.

U .S. versus Van Allen, U .S. versus Jameson.

This is not a business.

And that's it.

Well, with all due respect, Mr. Fletcher, I truthfully don't think

into consideration the full implications of the recent case, U .S. v. Miller,

which is directly on point.

Miller? Miller.

In an appeal from a judgment from the United States District Court from the

Central District of California, reviewing the district court's ruling

finding of summary judgment, Miller?

Mr. Markowitz, it's so late.

The IRS originally disallowed deductions arising from the taxpayers' activities

as an organizer and baritone of a barbershop group quartet.

Citing his expenditures for wardrobe, including dry cleaning of the striped

shirts, hair tonic, as well as singing lessons, washboard and fiddle drum

accompaniment, and transportation to and from his friend's apartment, where the

group rehearsed two times weekly, as grossly exceeding any income generated

the quartet, the IRS disallowed the taxpayer's assertion of bona fide

to earn a profit. Is there much more?

Well, in summary, the Court of Appeals found in favor of defendant Miller.

stating the IRS had no business in judging professional or amateur status

professions of individuals if they earned any income whatsoever, no matter

much their expenses exceeded such income.

Can I have a table?

No, please.

I'll tell you what.

Give me the evening to refresh my memory about the precedents that you've

already cited, and we'll meet again tomorrow at 9 a .m., at which time I'll

you my ruling.

You killer, you son of a gun!

I made it up. You made up what?

U .S. vs.

Miller. I made up every word of it. Somebody bought it, didn't they?

It's fraud, for God's sakes. I could go to jail.

Maybe, Jack.

Irving, I... I'm sorry, but I... I gotta go back in there. Hey, listen to me,

kid. 5 .15, right?

10 to 1, he's in the bathroom right now having a swig.

By 7 o 'clock, he's blotto. He drifts home by 11 o 'clock. He passes out on

sofa. He oversleeps. He jerks a couple of beers for breakfast just to get even.

And then he shows up at tomorrow's meeting pretending that he knew what you

talking about because he's embarrassed to admit that he was too bummed to look

it up. If I don't go back in there right now, I may as well bend over and kiss

my career goodbye.

If you do that, kid, you may as well bend over and kiss my business goodbye.

I don't know what came over me. I mean, I've never done anything like that

before in my life.

What are you going to do?

Well, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. If Fletcher researches it and

discovers it's a lie, he nails me for fraud.

But if I go in there and tell him I was just kidding, he nails Irving Lewis and

Lewis pulls his business from the fur.

And either way, if the ethics committee finds out, I'll be disbarred.

I don't think they'd really disbar you.

They wouldn't?

Probably just an interim suspension, probation.

Great.

There's a third alternative.

What? Tell me.

Do nothing?

Chances are you were so convincing he'll sit down and negotiate a favorable

settlement.

That's dishonest. I can never live with myself.

Diogenes would love you.

I'd probably want to deduct the cost of the lantern as a business expense.

Anyway, look, I made my bed. I'll sleep in it.

Speaking of which...

How would you like to grant the condemned man his last wish?

If I can.

Spend the night with me?

I like you, Jordan.

A lot.

I just don't want to rush it.

Was it... Was I that bad the first time?

I don't know.

The truth is, I don't remember.

So?

Not terrible, just not memorable.

Stuart, I'm not much of a drinker. I got drunk. I don't remember anything that

happened after we left Leland's party.

For all I know, it never happened at all.

It happened.

It was the sexiest night of my life.

You were probably wonderful.

I just can't remember.

Are you sober now?

Totally.

Maybe I need a refresher course.

Check, please.

Pleasure.

Already?

Yeah, I, uh...

I want to speak to you about that precedent I cited.

Yeah, of course.

I spent some time on it myself last night.

Interesting.

I can only find my notes.

What was it you were going to say?

Well, just that I reviewed it, so I'm sure we came to the same conclusion.

And what conclusion was that?

That Miller isn't really on point at all.

And I'm sorry I misspoke myself yesterday.

Well, as long as we caught it in time.

So where does that leave us, exactly?

I guess I can't convince you it's a business.

Look, I want to be reasonable, Mr. Markowitz.

You can tell your client that he may take as much time as he needs to pay off

the, uh... What was it?

2 .8 million?

2 .8.

I could probably waive the penalty.

I hate to dump my personal problems on you, Mr. Fletcher, but 2 .8, huh?

I could lose my job.

What if I sneaked 2 .5 past my people?

Wouldn't help.

What do you think you could live with?

How about 1 .4?

Round numbers like that.

Hmm.

What about 1 ,700 ,000?

$66 ,000.

My boss will buy that.

What about yours?

$1 ,700 ,000.

Let's change.

Irving Lewis told me that you were a genius.

That you had them bamboozled.

Some genius. I committed a fraud. I could have been disbarred. Oh, and this

all that happens is we lose a major client.

Major dollars.

Dollars that come directly out of my pocket as a partner in this firm. I

think Irving will really pull out his business.

You haven't told him yet.

I can't get a hold of him.

Oh.

Well, you'll be sure and let me know when you do.

And in the meantime, do it.

Yes, sir.

In the ecology of this firm's food chain,

Yes, sir.

Here are the points and authorities you need.

Thanks. I have to pick Eric up at school and take him to the dentist, but I will

be back by 2 .30.

You don't have to clock in and out with me.

Just take care of yourself.

Okay.

And... I'm here if you need to talk.

Thank you.

Really.

Thanks.

On Friday, she didn't even tell me.

You are?

Eric's mom. Abigail Pratt.

Eric went home already.

What do you mean he went home?

His father picked him up.

He can't. There's a restraining order. I told Stacy that.

Sorry, nobody said anything to me.

What time was he here?

About 11 .30.

Mr. Laughlin, who is Dr.

Maxwell Rosen?

He was the doctor who treated Jamie years ago after he fell off his swing

And his injuries were quite serious.

Is that right?

Well, at the time, they sure seemed that way.

To me and my wife, at least.

But I guess that's the way all parents are.

Anything that happens to your boy always hurts you the worst.

And yet, Mr. Laughlin, when you were asked, in connection with this case...

provide a list of all the doctors who had treated Jamie during any time in his

life, you deliberately omitted Dr. Rosen's name.

No, it was nothing deliberate. I just forgot to write it down.

You forgot?

Well, after the bumper car accident and worrying about Jamie, I couldn't

remember everyone who ever filled a cavity or put on a Band -Aid.

This was more than a Band -Aid. A lot more, wasn't it?

Yes.

Yes, you're right.

And I'm sorry if it caused a problem, my forgetting it.

Isn't it true that you deliberately omitted Dr. Rosen's name because you

want anyone to know that it was the accident on the swing set that caused

Jamie's neurological problems and not the bumper car ride?

No.

If you had seen Jamie after the bumper car accident, that's all I could think

about.

How badly he'd been hurt. It didn't even cross my mind to think about a little

fall he had when he was a baby.

Isn't it true, Mr. Laughlin, that you went so far as to change Jamie's last

to prevent us from discovering his previous treatment by Dr. Rosen?

What are you talking about?

Mr. Laughlin, you testified yesterday about your son, Jamie's condition?

Yes. Isn't it true that Jamie Laughlin is actually your adopted son?

He's my son.

And yes, I adopted him, but I don't see what this has to do with it. Isn't it

true you adopted him right after the bumper car incident?

A few months afterward.

Interesting timing.

What are you saying?

Isn't it true that you adopted him because you saw the chance to make money

of his insurance claim?

As his father, you would get some of it, right?

You could pay off your bookies.

Objection. Withdraw the question.

Isn't it true, Mr. Laughlin, that the reason you adopted Jamie and gave him a

new last name is so that we would never discover any of his previous medical

records at all?

Do you really believe what you're saying, or are you just going after me

this is your job? Just answer the question, Mr. Laughlin.

All right.

I adopted him because his biological father, my wife's ex -husband,

wouldn't have anything to do with him after the bumper car accident.

He said it made him too depressed to be around him.

Poor little boy.

He was in so much physical pain, he didn't need that kind of rejection, too.

So I adopted Jamie.

because I wanted him to know that he had a father who loved him.

Date of birth?

Born and stuck in 1983.

Okay, height?

About three foot two.

Hair? Um, come on, it's kind of a hole cut.

Weight? Thirty -five pounds.

What was he wearing?

Sneakers. They're red, high tops.

Blue jeans.

Um, a great night's t -shirt.

I have a picture.

Here's a copy of the restraining order. We've already spoken with Judge Robin.

She'll issue a bench warrant as soon as you call. Okay, what kind of car does

your husband drive?

A 75 Volvo wagon, white.

You know the license number offhand?

No. That's okay.

When we get it, we'll put it on the wire.

That's it?

Can you just put it on the wire?

He's cleaned up both bank accounts. He's maxed out the credit cards. He's taken

the boys' clothes.

This is not a weekend trip to Disneyland, Detective.

Counselor, do you know how many missing kid reports we get annually?

It's volume one of the three -volume set.

You want my advice?

You get a good P .I. and you track them down yourself.

Damn it, Detective.

My husband violates a T .R .O., kidnapping my son, and the best thing

tell me is to get my own P .I. Well, I'm sorry we don't have the time, manpower,

or money to do the job for you.

You can line on him, you give me a call, and we'll take it from there. Thank

you, detective.

You call Judge Robin, even as we speak.

happened i'm terribly sorry thank you has there been any word or

i'm sorry please sit down yes

mr mckenzie mr lewis is here put him in the conference room tell him i'll be

with him in a few minutes now then just tell me what we can do to help actually

what i've been thinking under the circumstances i think that it might be

firm's best interest if i was on

Oh, I'll hear of no such thing.

I won't be capable of doing the work that I... Miss Perkins, getting your son

back is all that matters.

Toward which end you will have the full resources of this firm at your disposal.

Is that clear?

Yes.

Thank you, sir.

But... I'm just so afraid.

That I won't ever see him again.

She's gone.

Leland, she left me.

After everything I gave her, huh? The money, the clothes, the lessons.

She leaves me for that dancer in the video, the blondie.

I thought he was a faggler. The agent calls me, practically gets on his knees,

begging me to use him.

Are you absolutely certain? She didn't come home last night.

This morning I get a phone call. Collect, no less. She's in Hawaii with

Yutz. She is a very young woman, Irving.

Now, these things happen.

A week or two, it'll run its course. Don't you think I said that?

Sixty -six.

I'm not the bull I used to be.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, I function. I function plenty. Look, I can

understand the fling I tell her.

She says it's not a fling.

It's deep spiritual love, she says.

The first time she's ever... Oh, God.

Oh, Leland.

There's no fool like an old fool.

I love her.

And she left me.

I know how you must feel, but I've got to believe that she'll come back. Oh,

it's over.

My life has turned to crap.

And she says she's happy for the first time in her life. She says I made her

sick.

She says she wants a divorce right away. She's going to defeat him. Now, what

the hell is that?

I think we'd better get Becker and Markowitz onto this right away. Well, do

you want.

Let's go.

The old man wants us.

What for? He's got Irving Lewis with him. Oh, God, Mom.

That's it?

I'm finished?

Well, the one who's finished is Irving Lewis.

Bimbo wife?

Left him for the arms of another.

She left him?

She left him as in divorce?

As in?

Mrs. Lewis will try to say it's a community business expense, of course.

IRS already said it's no business. And is the IRS ever wrong?

Never. It's a hobby. And all the money Irving poured into Mrs. Lewis's little

hobby was of a personal nature. On top of which, they're on the books as loans

anyway for accounting purposes.

Loans. Due and payable upon dissolution of the corporation.

We dissolve the corporation.

Call the loans, subtract that from the community assets, as well as Mrs.

liability for half the $1 .7 million in back taxes.

And the way I figure it, Mrs. Lewis is going to end up owing money to Mr.

Stuart Markowitz, you total schnauzer. I love it.

Is it with Kosher what we're doing?

Absolutely. Leland, I hate this whole thing. I wish it wasn't happening.

But I feel like these boys are my own sons. They're so smart.

That's what we're here for, Irv.

And you!

I thought I was going to have to give you a smack after that tax fiasco, but

turned a cow's ear into a sheepskin first.

Counselor.

Mr. Ressler.

Got your dancing shoes on?

$150 ,000 right now. It's dead.

What? You got me on the ropes.

Off the record, your clients are scum.

We both know it. But the jury doesn't, or they don't care.

Besides, look at me and look at you.

Juries generally don't find me particularly attractive or sympathetic.

Whereas you're a persuasive lawyer, Mr. Cusack. A good -looking and personable

man. And of course, there's the pitiful little boy sitting there in the

courtroom.

We run this through our computers.

In cases with injuries similar to this, the awards range from a low of $400 ,000

to millions of dollars.

So... So $150 ,000 seems like a bargain.

Like I said before, Mr. Cusack, I think you're an ethical attorney.

I want to believe you don't like rewarding thieves any more than I do.

But as far as I can see, this is the only way to make this damn case go away.

Let me talk to my clients.

$150 ,000? Is he kidding?

Tell him to jam it.

Under the circumstances, it sounds like a pretty decent offer to me.

Circumstances? That guy's gonna get his head handed to him by that jury, and he

knows it. There's your circumstances.

That may be.

Then two things are gonna happen.

One, they're gonna appeal the judgment.

It'll be years before you ever see a dime.

And two, they're gonna go to the D .A. to bring charges against you for fraud.

Oh, they can't prove a damn thing.

You're a good actor, Mr. Laughlin.

You really had that jury going.

But don't kid yourself.

There's a strong case here for fraud.

And if you're found guilty, it could vitiate the original judgment.

What's that mean, vitiate?

Weaken.

Invalidate. In short, Mr. Laughlin, you could wind up with nothing but a jail

sentence and a pile of legal fees.

Lawyers, you all stick together, don't you?

What'd that guy Ressler offer you to jack us up, huh?

Mr. Laughlin, my firm has no interest in benefiting from fraud.

If you decide to take Mr. Reznor's offer, we intend to waive our

If we accept, what happens to the money? The entire $150 ,000 will go into

a trust for Jamie's special educational and medical needs.

We'll take it.

Hey, come on. He's my son.

Well, what about us?

What about our needs?

Try getting a job, Mr. Laughlin.

And did you state that on the Sunday morning in question, you accidentally

Mr. Jackson on the head with a Steve Garvey model K -55 Louisville plugger?

That's right.

Accidentally.

Mr. LaFollette, if in fact you were not intending to rob Mr. Jackson, what were

you doing with a baseball bat concealed on your person in the first place?

I play in a softball league.

I was on my way to the game.

At 6 .30 a .m. in a dashiki?

My uniform was in the dry cleaner.

I see.

Thank you, Mr. LaFollette.

No more questions, Your Honor.

You may step down, Mr. LaFollette. And as the hour is growing late, let us

adjourn until 9 a .m.

I got that case won.

Not exactly inherit the win.

Careful, that's my favorite movie ever.

Actually, I became a lawyer because of Spencer Tracy.

For me, it was Gregory Peck.

Oh, get out of here.

To Kill a Mockingbird?

Well, Gregory Peck was good, but Spencer Tracy, he was... Well, you'd get along

great with my dad. He loves Spencer Tracy, too.

Your dad a lawyer?

Mm -mm. He's a milkman.

So, has he met old what's -his -name yet?

He meets old what's -his -name this weekend.

I'm pretty nervous about it.

Well, I got a good idea. Why don't you take me instead?

You're getting pushy again.

That's not pushy.

If I was to kiss you...

That would be pushy.

There's a two -word description for what I'd be if I let you kiss me, Mr. Kuzak,

and the second word rhymes with freezer.

Good night, Counselor.

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