Original subtitles

Oh, mate, wait there.

You look like Jason Statham, my son.

You're his ringer.

You're delicious.

What do you reckon?

Ten out of ten?

Absolute salt.

She's a very geeky girl.

The kind who don't take home to my bar.

She will never let your spirits down.

Want to get her off the street.

Oh, God.

She likes the boys in the band.

She says that I'm her all -time favorite.

When I make my move to her room at the right time.

She's never hard to please.

Oh, no.

That girl is pretty wild, no.

The clown girl you read about.

That girl is pretty cheeky.

I really love you, Jason.

Love it down here.

I absolutely love it here down at the Dave.

Oh, the front page.

12 o 'clock.

Don't make it blatant, but have a look.

Be subtle, be subtle, babe.

Who is it? Darren Ferdinando from school.

That's got to be his wife, Chloe Ferdinando. I've seen her on Facebook,

you may know.

Oh, what?

He's only gone a swan dive.

He's swan... Look at him.

Look at him glide through that water.

Oh, that's a neek.

Oh, I tell you, I'm going to just say it as it is.

He's the strongest geyser down here. We should go and say hello then, babe.

I might actually do that.

I'd just slip in the pool, have a little swim over.

Sort of say something about saying that.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. You could talk to him about that documentary you watched on Think Hold.

Yeah? I thought that was well interesting.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. What is it?

It's my mum.

Stuart Williams from number 36 is having a BBQ on Sunday, but we're already

having a BBQ on Sunday.

What's he...

It's only been here two minutes.

I think I told you it'd be trouble.

You did say that, to be fair.

Didn't I? Oh, God. Didn't I? The last 40 years, my family have run the

Butterchurn Crescent inaugural BBQ.

My granddad started this thing.

And on the first year that I take over from my father, some other wally comes

down and has a barbecue just down the road.

No, no, no, no, no way, Jose. Are you stupid?

No. Oh, ah, I'm having one. I'm in the midst of one. I'm having a panic attack.

Oh.

Oh, I'm drowning.

I'm drowning.

I'm drowning.

Gary, Gary, you are not drowning.

Oi, oi, you are not drowning. Look at me. Look at me.

You need to calm down.

Get yourself together.

Get yourself dressed.

Get me another drink and go talk to your dad. Be straight with him. He'll

understand. You think?

I don't think.

I know.

No, I don't know what he's going to do, no.

Well, it puts you in an awkward position, doesn't it?

I'm so sorry.

Shoes!

I'm just on the phone for Hazel. Listen, Mum, does Dad know about this thing?

Because I don't want it to come like a big deal and stuff.

I'm not getting involved.

But just so you know, if this goes south, he will be devastated.

Well, you'll be glad to know it's not going south. It's not going anywhere

the south. It's going to stay firmly in the north.

Right, boy, as your mum told you, is she?

She told you?

Yeah, she was just saying that.

She bought the world's sharpest knife.

Here it is. Just unboxed it.

I got it off internet TV last night.

And I'm going to use it on your roast at your first BBQ.

Oh, nice one. It's a cut through anything.

It cut through fruit.

Frozen fruit. Meat. Frozen meat.

A hammer.

Why would you need it to cut through a hammer?

Do you want a little old boy? Feed it in your hand. Go on, have a little old.

They're banned in Mexico then. Oh, well, that's a...

Decent old bit of kit, innit? That's lovely.

That's definitely bringing it to the BBQ.

If there is a BBQ, what with everything that's gone on?

Oh, no.

Please. Not the BBQ.

Not the King's Butter Churn Crescent and Ogle BBQ.

First year and you've nosed it. Oh, I haven't nosed it. I haven't. I've not

nosed it. For everyone in this room, let me say now, I have not nosed it.

It's just that someone else on the Crescent is having a BBQ on the same

Someone else on the Crescent on the same day? Oh, he's melted.

His arse was gone at the first hurdle. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no,

no, no. No, no, it hasn't.

It's sure Williams, Bella.

He's an absolute no -boat, Dad. No -one's even going to go to his BBQ,

Well, Hazel said she's going to his, cos she didn't get an invite to yours. Oh,

she did.

She definitely did.

I emailed and I WhatsApped everyone.

What's what?

No paper invite?

She's worse than I thought.

I said, Dad, listen to me. I'll tell you something. I'm going to tell you, all

right? It's sure Williams.

I'm going to go and have a word with him.

You're going to have to have a word with him. You're going to have a word with

him. Oh, I'm going to say something. You're going to have to say something.

I will say something.

Oh, I will.

Hazel.

Yeah, he's going to say something.

Oh, God, yeah, I know.

I'm so nervous.

I've got to try it.

I mean, everyone is doing it.

I'm told it doesn't even hurt that much.

Although, obviously, it depends who you go with. You're talking about bum sex.

No, no.

You just say what I say, babe. I say, gal, I will do it if I'm drunk and it's

your birthday. Either or. Do you know what I'm saying?

Oh, bless you.

No, we're talking about microblading.

Oh, yeah, microblading.

Oh, they do that down here, are they? Cool, cool, cool, cool, yeah. Yeah, done

that, yeah. Me and my hubby Gary. You know little Gary? Son of big Gary King.

Used to go to school with your Darren.

Yeah, we tried it in, like, Miami two years ago.

My gout really struggled on the microblades, though. Oh, just so you

microblading is a semi -permanent eyebrow tattoo.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

Exactly, yeah.

Very specialist.

I'm having mine done this afternoon, even though my eyebrows are naturally

perfect.

Has?

Holly Willoughby had it done.

I've no idea, babe. She's my queen, that one.

She's like a proper lady, isn't she? I mean, everyone says I look like her, and

I'm like, oh, all right enough.

Can't see it. Have a closer look.

Are you going to put some clothes on, or...? Hmm?

Nah. Nah, nah, nah.

Nah, not until I completely, you know, air -dried. Nah.

You see them out there, as you've got on there, girls?

Don't trust them. Nah. Gave me proper bad pink eye about a month ago.

Late as chicken.

Hello?

Everybody in the Crescent knows the Kings have the first BBQ of the summer.

Sorry, who are you?

Gary. Gary King. I live at the corner plot over there. Sweet little place.

Cut the concrete lines out the front. All the bedrooms converted to one suite.

Already worth double what I paid for it. So, there we go.

Yeah, I think I know it. What seems to be the problem?

Your arrival BBQ on Sunday, mate.

Yes, I'm having a barbecue on Sunday. It's my wife's birthday.

Well, I don't care if it's your wife's birthday.

No, it is my wife's birthday.

Exactly. I do not care if it's your wife's birthday. What? No, it is my

birthday.

Listen, there's a crescent WhatsApp group, so this kind of bedlam doesn't

happen.

All crescent business must go through the WhatsApp group.

Yeah, I muted that WhatsApp group months ago.

What? What?

You muted a street WhatsApp group, Stuart? What if there's some kind of

emergency down here on the Crescent?

Really? Like what? Like two BBQs on the same day.

Listen, um... Gary. Gary King.

Gary. Right, I mean, we've actually only invited, like, a handful of people from

the Crescent, so... I love this Crescent.

I love everyone, innit?

I know all the people.

Name any number. Name any number of the Crescent. Right, no, I'm not getting

into this, mate. Mate, I'll sleep on this porch. You name a number, I ain't

going nowhere till you do.

Test me here.

Name a number, any number.

Uh, number 53.

Number 53. I live at number 53. That's my house.

You can see that from here. You just... Any other number, just name one.

Are we still doing this thing? Yes, we're doing it. Name one.

Um, 68.

68, Alison Clark. She lives alone. Rosamund Clark, he died two years ago

his blood stopped working.

Right, well, I'm sorry to hear about that.

Where are you getting your meat from?

Uh, Gribbins, I think.

Gribbins, the butchers?

Yes, I tend to get my meat from the butchers, yeah.

Don't make a joke out of this, mate.

Seriously. I'm telling you now, you do not make a joke out of this. Because

you've got now, mate, you've got yourself a war. You're in a war now,

There we go.

There's a war going on between me and you, right?

Yeah, mate, you're in a war. And once you're in a war, you can't get out of

war that you're in until the war is over.

So, war time.

You're losing it here. This is ridiculous.

You're ridiculous, mate. So, see you around.

Mind the plant pot, won't you, mate?

Right. You're a snide, mate.

Gentlemen, time is of the very essence.

Now, I've emailed you a list of jobs.

First up, I need a leaflet drop advertising me BBQ.

I want you to hit up every residence, every local business, every shop, every

pub, every gym, all the bakers in town, the kebab store, every block of flats.

Flats? Does your dad know about all this?

He does, and it's none of his concern. None of yours either, Winkle.

I run the business how I want, when I want.

What are we going to do about the primary school job this weekend?

The leaky roof?

I've pulled it.

This is a million times more important.

Oh, I don't know. What will Big Gary think about that? We're supposed to be

finished by Monday.

Don't test me in front of the other lads, Winkle, all right? Yes, Wayne, you

haven't got to put your hand up, son. Do we still get double bubble?

You'll have to ask his mum. She does the timesheet.

Hey, hey, hey, don't tell my mum anything, all right?

I'm the boss. I'm the leader. This is my dance. This is my disco.

And let me tell you now, all of you are getting double bubble all weekend long.

There's a box of leaflets there. You lot get gone.

I've got something very important to take care of. Here he is.

Little Gary, head in the cloud.

What's the weather like up there?

Not actually here for banter today, so... His mother said he wouldn't be

Listen, um... It's too big for a normal pram. His old man used to schlep him

about in a wheelbarrow. Shut up!

Shut your noise!

What have I done, gal?

Stuart Williams.

Yeah. I know about you and him carrying on behind my back.

You supplying his BBQ on the very same day as my BBQ, John.

Beardy fella.

5 '10", rides a foldy bike. He lives down your road. Don't know he lives down

road. That is the problem.

That's what's created this absolute nightmare, what I'm living through right

now. All right, all right. You know I don't want to fall out with you or Big

Gary. You tell me what to do, it's done.

Your phone is Stuart Williams.

You cancel his order, you say that you've run out of meat.

Then you close this place down for a week or two. Lie low, John.

I'll cover all your cuts. I'll give you a nice little drink on top.

And from now on, you don't call me Little Gary no more.

What do I call you then? Big Gary?

Well, not Big Gary. Big Gary's my dad's name, so... Great Big Gary. No, I don't

want to... Old Gary.

No, no.

Tunky Gary. No, that's just offensive, John. So, no. Fat Gary. Just Gary!

From now on, I'm just Gary, all right?

Get in there.

Oh,

not up there.

You all

right?

Yeah, sweetheart, yeah.

I'd like to get my head under from time to time because I was a water baby.

Oh, you do dance, yeah. Oh,

they look banging, actually.

Yeah, they don't look fake, but they are fake.

But they look real, do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, you should get yours done.

Already am, babe.

Yeah. Yeah, your mate Kay's doing, she's like the Banksy of eyebrows, so, you

know.

Gonna look all nice. My gal at his big BBQ, you know what I mean?

Oh, love a cookout.

What's that?

A what out?

A cookout.

Oh. Sorry, it's an Americanism for barbecue.

Right.

Nice.

Well, look, you should come to our cookout, because we are... What can I

cowgirl?

No,

seriously, you should come along and bring your Darren. I know Michael Gary

would absolutely love that.

I'll come, 100%, but can't say for sure about Darren, because... Oh, God, I'm

really not supposed to say anything, but can you keep a secret?

Er, yeah, thanks.

He's doing the dry lining.

He's really happy with his work. He's already texted Lee Dixon and Alan

Maybe he can get in with them and Gary Lineker.

You're talking serious money.

Oh, well, yeah.

Fair play to you.

That's massive, yeah.

Yeah.

Still the same people, but we are doing a little bit better than everyone else,

do you know what I mean?

Quick. Bring your son.

How's it all going?

Well, it was okay, but we've had a big setback. Absolute disaster, in fact.

I'll let Mr. Bounce explain.

Benny Bounce. Castle, slides, pools, balls. If it bounces, we hire it.

Mr. Bounce, an absolute honour to meet you, sir.

What seems to be the problem?

It's your inflatable slide, I'm afraid. We can't fit it in your garden.

Okay. Are you absolutely sure about this, Ben?

Maybe we go without it, gal.

Maybe move on, mate.

No, no, no, no, no. That inflatable slide, that's an imperative part of my

vision. I need it.

OK, just give me a second. Let me have a little think.

I've got it. I've got it.

The way I see it, there's only one option. We're going to have to knock

into Mrs Watson's garden next door.

That's the only way we're going to do this.

Miss Watson, love.

Hello, Mark.

I'm just going to love some bits and bobs in your garden here, all right? You

ain't going to notice that they're there.

Thank you very much.

You're more than welcome.

Right, it's grim in here. I'm not going to lie to you. It's pretty disgusting.

The poor old birds let herself down.

Let's get a lawnmower, some strimmers. Let's get it cleaned up ASAP, boys.

do it, yeah?

Sorry, so where do you want the port -a -potties?

In here, mate, in Mrs Watson's garden, all right? That's why we've knocked it

through. And where are the waltzers going?

Well, everyone listen to me, because I'm going to say this once.

Port -a -potties, waltzers, inflatable slide. In fact, all of the rights come

here in Mrs Watson's garden.

Love the smoking area in here too, all right?

Morning, Gal.

You all right?

Yeah. This little piggy went to market.

Mate, I'm up against it. I've got no time for joking and stuff. Get that meat

the chest freezer by the DJ booth at once.

Gal. Randy, mate, pick up your feet when you're moving, son.

That fence won't move itself, boy. Gal, I need to show you something. So,

basically, I went to see Kay last night.

What, mad Kay from the flats?

Yeah.

It's my eyebrows.

Morning, Chet. Whoa!

What, weren't you expecting us?

Didn't you know we were coming? All right, mate.

Here, get her a Benadryl, gal. She looks like she's going to sneeze.

All right.

Carry on, mate, with what you're doing.

What have I done, gal?

And why are they so high?

And they're like fucking Coco the Clown. I mean, what am I going to do?

Kids' entertainment.

Well, that's enough out of you. You get that meat in the freezer, you take your

boy and you get out of here. Yeah.

No, sorry, Gail. I'll make you right.

Shut up.

I cannot let anyone see me like this, Gary.

I look like I've just slipped on a piece of Lego.

Now, you listen to me.

What?

Your surprise face is my favourite face out of all the faces. What are you

doing?

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

When we were 16, first French kiss.

Down by the window, you find out that I've got my tongue pierced.

Surprise face.

When you thought that we couldn't go to Ibiza because I'd contracted worms off

that street cat.

But I turned up your ass, picked you up, we went.

Surprise face.

When we found out you were pregnant with our Teddy, even though we thought I was

a Jaffa.

Surprise face.

See, your surprise face is a cornerstone of all the happiest moments of my whole

life.

Thanks, Gail.

I love you, but I need to get this BBQ sorted.

Oh, hold on, I've got something to tell you. Um, um, Chloe just texted me. Mm

-hm.

Darren Ferdinando's coming to the BBQ.

Oh, man, she's going to cry.

Please tell me you're not pulling my plunker, babe. He's really coming, babe.

This ain't a dream. This is real life. This is really happening.

I've been waiting for this moment my whole life.

Darren Ferdinand, I was coming to my house to play.

Yeah. Oh, babe.

Thank you.

I need to change my outfit. That's the first thing I need to do, innit? I can't

go, I need to think about this, babe. I need to think about it. Oh, white skinny

jeans. Yes, yes.

Oh, gal, gal. What? No socks.

Yeah.

I could hardly see.

Now it seems you want to run out on me.

Now after all this time, tell me can't you see all this love that I'm giving

to you. Give him that log.

Cancel logger.

Give him the beans full of cancel logger.

That beans full of cancel logger.

What? You're kidding me.

Yeah, it's built with the brim of cancel logger. Supermarket owned stuff.

It's a bit tacky, that.

I just bought classy stuff. I went with, like, Stella, Peroni.

Someone must have just smuggled that gear in. You're going too early on them,

Coles. They're not even white yet. Yeah, they are. They're fine. They're lovely

and white.

Winkle said you sold one of the work firms.

What? You did what?

I didn't. I haven't sold anything. I swear, Dad. You need to turn them

I'm turning them. I'm in control here. I did the lad's timesheets, and they've

charged Double Bubble for helping you here, rather than finishing that school

job in Margate.

You've used company money to pay for this fiasco. Fiasco? This is not a

This ain't a fiasco by a long shot.

It's a smashing success, Dad. Look, everyone's having a great time.

really loving it. You're burning it now.

Look, you've got a turn to make, son.

Rotation, rotation, rotation.

Got you a beer, big gal? It's a Belgian one.

Can't wait to see this world sharp as knife. You don't do things by half, you.

Oh, don't. Here we go.

He's ruined.

She has ruined the world sharpest knife. I just put him in the dishwasher.

Just? He struggled to cut through a mango this morning.

Oh, my God, your eyebrows.

Yeah, I know, Denise. Thank you.

Right, babe, action stations.

Chloe and Darren have just arrived.

Go say hello.

Right, they're here.

Right, I've got this, I've got this.

20 years, 20 years I've been waiting for this. Winkle, man the BBQ, all right,

boy?

Hello, babe.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, what happened to your eyebrows?

Oh, they are so awful.

Oh, no.

No, no, no. It's exactly how I wanted them, yeah.

It's actually my girl's favourite face out of all the faces what I do, so...

right.

Hey, there.

How you doing, man?

Um... Melbourne.

We actually went to school together.

Gary King.

Big chestnut All right, yeah sort of forgotten all about you, but then I'll

you down at the Dave the other day and I was like wow you're swimming and stuff.

I'm saying to my wife.

Yeah, that guy's got you had amazing technique. You've got that locked down

front crawl Maybe yeah, I'm just not I'm I can't do it

Yeah

Oh, God.

Oh, well, actually, that's what I was going to say to you.

Guess who I saw the other day?

Cheryl Philpott.

Yeah, I saw her in Asda. She's married to Phil Joss now, of all things.

By all accounts, looking at probably getting a loft extension.

What was I going to say about it? Oh, yeah.

You're doing the trial lining at Ian Wright's house.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

So nice just catching up and talking about stuff.

I haven't seen you for so long, so just, yeah.

Yeah, just nice seeing you, bro.

Good seeing you, mate.

See you later, yeah?

So, how'd that go, then?

I don't know exactly how I thought it was going to go. Yeah, yeah. Did it come

out just like we practised? Exactly. We were just, like, chewing and frying

beautifully.

Nice.

Oh, it's true.

There's your BBQ, mate.

What do you want?

I'm here to put a few to bed.

Listen.

You jumped in at the deep end with this BBQ thing and... ..you made yourself

look like a bit of a mug. But I want to say, here's my heart.

Here's my hand, mate.

I want to invite you, your wife, your kids, come have a hot dog at my place.

And, uh, genuinely, I'm actually sorry.

No one came to your stupid BBQ.

No, it's fine. We, uh... We just moved it.

What?

We, uh... Moved it.

You can't just move a BBQ, mate.

We're in the middle of a war here.

An absolute war.

I mean, I've thrown everything at this thing. I've thrown grands at it.

I've got fire breathers over there. I've got waters. I've got Stavros Flatterley

turning up in half hour. Why?

Because I need a barbecue.

Oh.

You've done me, haven't you?

Oh, mate.

Oh, mate. Touche. Touche. Fair play to you. Fair play.

But I'm putting it around everywhere. You are a schneid.

You're a double schneid. And the invite to you, your wife and kids?

Uninvited. Never, ever again. You'll never come to one of my BBQs. Well, it

actually looks like you have a bit of a problem down there anyway, mate, so...

Oh, you're joking, mate.

Mind the plant pot, won't you, mate? And this ain't over.

Not by a long stretch.

Swat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Guys, guys, guys, what's going on?

Is this your ass, sir? Yeah, it is as it goes. Gary King, this is my gas.

What can I do for you, officer?

Well, we've... Guys, let's not go yet. Let's not be too hasty.

Let's have another drink inside. Give me a second here, will you? I'm just

trying at the moment... Guys, I've got confetti cannons in here. We're going to

do confetti cannons. All right, mate.

Karaoke hasn't even started yet. Come on, fellas.

Guys. Bobby.

Bob.

Dad, what's going on, mate? We're going to cut a pint with Dale. Top man, isn't

he? Yeah, we're doing a dry line up here, right? Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah.

where are you going? Dad, where are you going to go to, mate? Just text me, all

right? Are you going to be in the snug?

Dottie, love, you're not going to know your dots.

Dot, what? No, come on, girls, you're not going, are you? Mr King! What?

We've had a complaint from one of your neighbours about excessive noise

pollution, so I'm afraid we're going to have to close the stand.

Listen, mate, the whole point of this BBQ is that everyone from the street is

here. That's the point of it, is that...

Yeah.

Got your Jager bomb.

Look, be honest with me.

How do you think today went, BBQ -wise?

Babe, everybody loved it.

Babe, it was like proper Ram -O'd. It was brilliant.

Do you know I enjoyed it the most?

No.

Me?

I'm so proud of you, like, really proud.

Crossed me out and me minion, hoped to die and all that shit.

I love you.

I love you too, babe.

You hold that full, because I'm going to put an ass on, and then we're going to

have a little dance, and then we'll have a bunk up underneath the stars.

Oh, you did it.

Oh, oh, oh, here we go.

Oh, this little girl, her name is Maxine. Her beauty's like a bunch of

If I ever tell you about Maxine, you'll always say I don't know what I know. But

murder she rose.

Murder she rose.

Murder she rose.

Murder she rose.