Original subtitles

Gettin' back on the dating horse tonight, Theodore.

You look great, dad.

Thanks, Son.

You, ah, sure you wanna wear that, though?

Yeah, probably not.

Force of habit.

Why don't you ever go back?

Maybe,

one day.

Well, hey, help me finish getting ready.

Where's my tie?

Her name's Eleanor.

I should have known.

It's nice to meet you, Frank.

Dad, doesn't the guy usually pick up the girl?

Welcome to the 21st Century, Son.

Go finish your homework.

Ah, alright, Betsy.

Make sure Theo finishes his homework.

No junk food and in bed by 8:30, okay?

Yes, Mr. Roosevelt.

Will you be late?

Ah, no, not too late.

10? Well, it has been awhile.

Maybe like 10:15ish?

Hey, buddy, come here.

Give me hug.

Hey, hey, hey, make sure you listen to Betsy, okay?

Stay out of trouble, alright?

Gotcha, Dad.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Mkay, goodnight, punk.

Goodnight, Betsy.

Oh, wait.

Yeah?

Could you leave the door open a crack?

Sure.

Thanks.

Betsy?

Mm-hmm?

Could you leave the light on in my dad's room, too?

Aren't you a little old for a nightlight?

I don't know.

I've been hearing noises lately.

Noises?

Like what?

I don't know, like breathing in the walls.

Oh, that's just the deformed guy in a hockey mask

with a chainsaw under your bed.

What?

Relax, I'm just kidding.

That's some messed up crap, Betsy.

I know, I couldn't resist.

You need new panties?

Give a kid a break.

And yeah,

I do.

Look, it's probably just the wind.

Older house.

It doesn't sound like the wind.

Mkay, you got it.

Thanks.

Goodnight, hosebag.

Night, puke.

Wow, one little kid spook you much, Betsy?

My God, what the fuck?

Alright, you guys ready?

Just zooming out.

This is so fucked up, Freddy.

Shut up, or I'm gonna get you next.

Oh.

Damn period gas.

Thanks, Frank.

Your tongue was legendary.

Oh,

God.

Fuck.

Slime squishing]

Ah, stiff arms.

Glue.

♪ Now I think I see the light

♪ I think I see the light Hello?

♪ I think I see the light

Betsy, I'm home.

Dad?

Theo.

What are you still doing up?

I heard a noise.

Dad? Stay right there.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Dad?

What happened?

Where's Betsy, I.

Dad, what happened, and

why does your face smell like an old tire, I?

No.

[wind rustling leaves

What the hell, kid?

Can't you see I'm going through hell here?

Dad, relax, take a chill pill.

I'm sorry, Son.

I'm just really going through hell right now.

You didn't eat your beans.

Beans for breakfast, lunch and dinner

isn't going to cut it.

I'm sorry,

I'll got eat with Mom, or something.

I'm sorry, money's just really tight right now.

It's okay.

Hey, why don't you watch your Pewbuscus and Toby pie

that you like so much?

You're a dork, Dad.

Hey there, little man.

Hey.

Hey, buddy, come give me a hug.

Go wait in the car for me, Theo.

You gonna cut his balls off, Mom?

Honey, watch your mouth, of course not.

Yeah, she is.

Frank, we need to talk.

About what this time?

Ah, the same old thing.

Our son cannot be living in a tent in the backyard.

And why not?

Really?

Winter's coming, what are you going to do then?

I don't know, I'll build an igloo.

An igloo?

Really, Frank? Yeah, why not?

Igloos are warm.

I mean, if they're good enough

for the Chinese,

they're good enough for me.

Either get him back in a real house,

or I'm going to sue you for full custody.

Why don't you sell the house?

And get a new place?

I can't sell it.

That's because you won't let anyone inside.

No, you don't understand.

No one understands.

It's not safe in there.

I wanna demolish that house.

I wanna burn it to ashes.

And then I wanna burn those ashes.

And then I wanna put those ashes in a canister,

and shoot 'em towards the sun.

Then I wanna take a nuclear bomb and shoot it at the sun--

I get the point, Frank.

You didn't see what I saw, Lady Bird.

What, that there's some sort of monster in there?

The police searched the place, it's empty.

There's no monster, there never was.

Freak plumbing accident, that's all.

There is a monster.

I saw it.

And it's still in there, I can feel it.

It's looking at me.

Undressing me with its eyes.

Violating my every orifice

with its sick, twisted, perverted mind.

It's gotta penis, but tits, too,

like some sort of shemale.

And it tricks you, makes you think it's a woman,

until you're at home alone with it.

All naked and horned up and you think,

hey, why let my first real boner in months go to waste?

Frank?

Believe me.

It's still in there, just waiting.

Waiting for the chance to kill again.

You need help, Frank.

Serious psychiatric help.

Why don't you back to the force,

and get your old job back?

Make some money, rent a decent place at least.

I can't go back.

Not now.

It's too hard.

What happened to you out there?

They pushed me.

They pushed me too far, Lady Bird.

Well, that shouldn't effect our son's life.

Straighten up, Frank.

Or you're going to lose him.

He won't let us in the house to show anyone.

He knows the bank is ready to foreclose on it?

Yes, of course.

He doesn't care.

You have the key, correct?

Yes.

Then schedule a showing.

Without his permission, sir?

If the bank takes the house, we get nothing.

We need it sold.

I don't know.

Are you a killer, George?

Sir?

It's a simple question.

Are

you

a killer?

Ah, I just wanna do a good job, Mr. Reagan, sir.

Do you know the history of this company, George?

Um, bits and pieces, sir.

Well let me enlighten you, son.

My great grandfather came here from Italy,

God rest his soul.

And he came here with one goal,

to dominate the real estate industry

in The United States.

We've done just that.

Well beyond his wildest dreams.

We are the most powerful agency in the world,

and we didn't get there having banks foreclose

on our properties.

We have a 97 and 3/4% closing ratio.

Yes, of course.

Everyone knows that Reagan Realty is the cream of the crop.

And do you know what happened to the agents

of the remaining 2 and a 1/4%, George?

Uh,

no sir.

Well let's just say neither do their families.

Sell the house, George,

or you'll find out exactly what happened

to the other 2 and a 1/4%..

Yeah, yes, sir.

Good, George.

Get your sweet ass outta here.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Nancy?

Yes, Mr. Reagan?

Cancel the light repairman today.

Yes, sir.

We do floors-- Hey.

What's going on here?

Who said you could show the house?

Excuse me a moment.

Ah, please look around.

Um, just a local drunk.

Look,

we need to let people see the inside of house

if we're going to sell it.

I don't wanna sell it, I wanna burn it.

No.

Why don't you guys check upstairs?

Ah, there's five bedrooms.

Great for a couple looking to start a family.

No, no.

No, don't, don't go up there.

Don't, don't.

You'll die up there.

Look, Frank.

Don't be ridiculous here.

There's nothing wrong with this house.

No, there is.

And I think I know what it is.

What's this?

This is something I found at the library.

A similar case except for worse.

A Parade of Houses.

Couples ripped to pieces.

The real estate agent said it was something called

a house shark.

A house shark?

Is this a joke, Frank?

No, listen to me.

It's real, these things exist.

Checkers.

Huh, let her go, she'll be fine.

I even found info on a scientist.

He claims to be the world's only house shark expert.

I've never heard of a house shark.

It sounds ridiculous.

Look, George,

you didn't see what I saw.

I mean, that poor girl.

Something attacked her in the plumbing right in front of me,

and then I saw something, something,

something like a fin.

I guess it's a bit of a fixer upper, but

I totally

love it.

Me too.

So, we're gonna make an offer?

You bet, Dolly.

Yeah, I read the police report.

They looked.

They didn't find anything.

It was some kinda freak suction built up

in the pipes from the waste station.

But what did the coroner say, huh?

What did he say, George?

What did he write at first?

He said it looked like a shark attack.

Um,

no,

he never said that.

Well, I, well, I mean, I'm sure he thought it.

First place I'm wanna make mad monkey love to you,

is right here in this living room.

Oh, yeah, John?

Give me that stink, baby.

John, don't.

And where's Checkers?

Checkers?

Hey, look, Frank.

If you don't sell this house,

the bank will take it.

I'll blow it up first.

No, you won't.

We're going to sell this house.

My balls you are.

Wait.

Did you hear something, John?

Uh, it's probably just the dog, baby.

John, stop.

I don't want anyone catching us

with your fingers up my butt.

Wait, what was that?

Shark.

House shark.

Do you wanna see my gun?

Look at that, real life police gun.

Here, hold it, there.

You're just like a cop.

Frank?

Lady Bird?

What happened?

This couple was attacked.

Attacked by some sort of monster hiding in the house.

Oh, my...

You were right, Frank.

Oh, you were right all along.

Yeah.

Listen, can you watch Theo for the next few days?

Just until I can sort his all out.

Yes, of course.

Take care of this, Frank.

I, I will, Lady Bird.

If the monster comes 'round here,

I'll come after him with a stick.

George?

George?

George, George, look.

Look, I'm gonna call this guy.

This, ah, this, this Zachary guy.

Get him out here and see what he knows, I mean--

Frank, did you know I had three families scheduled today?

It doesn't matter now, George.

One of them hand kids.

Kids, Frank.

And these weren't just

some ugly kids.

I saw pictures.

They were adorable.

Like, Emmanuel Lewis on Webster adorable.

Look, we're going to make things alright, George, okay?

Just no more showings, agreed?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Okay.

Look, I'm gonna get this scientist out here.

Yes, you do what you have to.

I'm gonna go meet with my boss.

Okay,

good.

Hey, I'll be in touch.

We lost my gun.

Get me, Zachary Taylor.

House shark?

I, I wouldn't have believe it,

if I hadn't seen it for myself.

Fortunately for you, George,

I have a plan for this.

Sir?

I'm putting my top home inspector on it, Darth Squanto.

He can handle it.

Frank?

George.

Look, I found the scientist from the Homeographic Institute.

He's on his way.

We've come up with another plan.

What?

Look, I thought we agreed we would

wait for the expert to arrive?

My boss brought in his own expert.

Meet Darth Squanto.

There's no one with you.

Greetings.

A Native American?

What can you do?

Don't underestimate my powers.

Squanto, enough.

Release him.

As you wish.

Sorry.

His people are sensitive people.

I just don't understand the connection.

Native Americans,

sharks?

My people were great hunters of sharks.

How so?

Once the shark walked the land.

Much like the buffalo.

We hunted their herds, wore their skins.

Ate their flesh.

And gave humble praise to their spirit.

But like the dolphin before him,

the shark one day discovered the vast oceans.

There they found they were the top of nature's food chain.

Even man was prey to this mighty creature within its depths.

And so,

they stayed.

Most of them.

Do you think you can take it?

I am most certain of it.

Let's kill us some mothertruckin' house shark.

Are you Frank?

Yeah, who the hell are you?

John and Dolly are my parents.

I thought they didn't have any kids?

They don't, they were going to adopt me.

Let's see how this plays out.

I heard there was a shark attack in this house,

and you did nothing, Frank.

Nothing.

And now it's back to the high kill adoption shelter for me.

You dick.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Frank.

She's wrong.

Of course she's wrong, you idiot.

I did everything that I could.

Well, I wouldn't say you did everything.

Oh,

the fuck.

Yeah, I did.

Enough.

It is time we faced this fish.

Mammal.

Aquatic

Devil.

Yeah, you think?

Mm.

Jeez.

More of an asshat.

Good luck.

Do not fear.

For soon your home shall will be rid of this demon.

Thank you.

Hello, Ronald.

Who's here?

It's been a long time.

Who is that?

Come out where I can see you.

I'm over here.

Where? Where are you?

Come out, stop tormenting a helpless old man.

Abraham.

That's me, bitch.

Finally crawled out of that ditch

of vaginas and vodka you've been living in

on the edge of town, huh?

You haven't darkened these walls since--

Yeah, I know.

Why am I not surprised to see you?

The smell of freshly soiled Depends tells me otherwise.

You're still the wise ass, I see.

You knew I'd come.

I'll catch this nugget for you.

But it aint gonna be easy.

It's a bad fish there,

mammal, sharky thing

It's not like selling a house down in the valley

to a couple of hippies and yuppies.

No.

This beast'll swallow you whole.

A little shakin'.

A lot of tenderizin'.

A little batterin'.

Maybe he wraps you up in some rice and seaweed,

and eats you raw.

I don't know.

Then down you go.

We gotta act quick if we wanna bring your sales back.

You need me.

I'm the only salty dog that can handle this.

Yeah,

maybe.

How are your stitches holding?

Oh, they need tightening.

I see.

You've gotten fat.

It's water weight, now what do you say, am I in?

I'm not sure you're up to the task.

If, water weight my ass.

That's muscle, trust me.

Now I won't take no for an answer.

I don't know.

And man boobs aren't muscles.

I want in. No.

Yes.

Get off me you fat fuck.

I out run bulls, I'm back.

Yeah, pigs don't jiggle this much.

Yes, I do. No.

Let me in, let me in. No, no.

I'm the last chance you got. Alright, okay.

Okay.

I suppose that's so.

You've chosen wisely.

Nancy?

Yes, sir?

Get George on the horn.

What the?

Lights are fixed, sir.

Oh,

dang it.

Vello?

Vello?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Go away.

We're not showing the house today.

I'm not here to buy zhe house.

You must be that hooker I ordered.

You're a little early, but

damn, you're one hot bitch.

I like the accent, too.

I'm not this hooker that you speak of.

I'm looking for Franklin Delanor Voosevelt.

Ah, it's Delano, but, ah,

that's me.

Who are you?

I am

Zachary Vaylor.

Valor?

Tay, Tay, oh.

Oh.

Taylor, the house shark expert

from the institute, of course.

I'm so glad you're here, thank you for coming out.

Mm-hmm. Ah, can I get you

anything to drink?

Ah, coffee?

Oh, shoot.

Out of coffee.

Ah, can I get you anything else?

Maybe some hot water?

Just let me get a fire started.

Ah, it's okay.

I'm, how you say, good.

I had'sa breakfast before I came overs.

Breakfast?

Do you have any leftovers?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

Help yourself.

It's been days

since the last time I've had a good meal.

So you're the world's only house shark expert?

That's what mine resume says.

I have a few ideas.

Can vee how you say, look around.

No, .

No, that thing swallowed Dark Squanto whole in one bite.

And he had weird, mystical Indian powers.

Fark who?

Oh, nevermind, I don't vant to go inside,

I just vant to

look inz the windows.

So, ah,

how long have you been studying the house shark?

About 30 years now.

Really?

You look like you're 30 now.

Oh, yeah, my English is bad.

I meant to say 11.

Oh, so there really is little information out

on the house shark, huh?

Yes, the house shark is quite vare.

Up until a few years ago,

say for only how you say, legend.

So what got you into the house shark?

Vell, I love zhe sharks, but I'm afraid of the ocean.

Oh, saw Jaws, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Yes, that movie really fucked my nut up.

Anyway, I figured I could study the sharks

but stay on dry land.

But vhy ve circle 'round.

So is it true that more people

are killed a year by vending machines than house sharks?

Is it true?

I don't know.

I was asking you, you're the expert.

Hmm.

How many people die each year to zese vending machines?

Oh,

13.

Hmm.

Like how?

Electrocution?

They fall on them.

They fall on zhem?

Yeah, like people put their money in.

They don't get their snacks,

so they decide to shake it up.

Bam.

Pancaked.

Hmm.

Yeah, yeah.

Zhat seems true.

They need it so much.

Uh, vhat is that?

What is what?

Should you being doing that?

Ah, ve are fine as long as we are outside.

I zink.

Oh.

What is it?

It's a viber.

It looks like a tooth.

Oh, yeah, it is a toof.

Who is that?

Oh,

that's John.

Him and his wife were killed by the shark

when they were looking at the house.

Wasn't that a few a days ago?

Yeah.

And they just left them in there?

Nobody had the balls to go in and retrieve the bodies.

Veepers.

What's that attached to his finger?

It looks,

it looks like an anus.

A vanus?

I think so.

Is it his?

I don't think so.

It smells like flower and honey.

Why would an anus be on his finger?

I don't know.

Sa plot thickens.

Wait.

Where's the tooth?

I accidentally dropped it inside.

What?

Shoot.

So what are we gonna do now?

Hmm,

that was a big Mama Jama toof.

I need to sink.

Is zhere someplace around here where we can,

how you say,

grab a drink?

Well? Vell what?

Are you gonna say anything?

You haven't said a word since we left the house.

Yeah, vell, it's just a vot to take in.

Yeah, believe me, I know.

So Frank, vhat did you used to do?

Used to do?

Yeah, I mean, to be honest,

you look like a van out of work.

I guess you'd be right, then.

I used to be a cop.

Oh, something bad happen?

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Oh, please, tell me about zhis.

Mm, no.

I don't like to talk about it.

Please,

share.

Well one night,

I was out on patrol with my partner, when--

What the hell, Bluebeard?

I was in the middle of telling a story.

The name's Abraham.

Und?

Forgive me, it's a condition I have.

I have to touch people's faces.

Um,

weird.

Do we know you?

George didn't tell you I was comin'?

George?

I haven't talked to George in days.

Oh.

Wait I got a, I got a voicemail.

Hey, Frank, it's George.

I'm sending a new guy over.

Abraham, he's gonna help ya out.

Between you and me, this guy looks like a real degenerate,

but, ah, the boss wants him.

But seriously, he's a real loser.

He smells like he hasn't showered in weeks,

maybe even months.

And I saw him training at the gym earlier,

he's got the smallest...

So vhat does that make you?

Some sort of house shark expert, too?

No, but let's just say I have a personal interest in this.

Care to explain?

No, not yet.

I'm Frank.

Frank, please ta meet ya.

Zachary.

Really, it's an honor.

So you're supposed to be a fisherman or something?

Real estate agent.

Well, prior.

Well why are you dressed like you abolished slavery?

I don't see how zhis can help us.

Look, this house shark of yours,

I've been lookin' for for many moons.

He's a mean son of a biscuit bastard.

First crossed paths nearly ten years ago.

He bit off both my arms and my legs.

In stitches, they are.

I sowed 'em back on.

Pfft, that seems improbable.

He's one tough fish.

Mammal.

A fish mammal.

Look, you're gonna need me.

My fee is $10,000.

I've got no money.

I'll do it for a $100.

Look, I'm broke.

I've got nothing.

Okay, I'll just do it.

It's a deal then?

I'll take $10,000.

Huh, what?

$10K, and then you can join us.

I'm not payin' you, you need me.

Alright, no deal.

Okay, whoa, fellas.

Will you take a check?

And meals, too.

For Zachary and I.

Alright, jeez.

That's it, right?

Wait, just one more thing.

How 'bout you buy us, how you say,

a round

of rinks?

You sure are one funny Mexican.

Hmm. Okay, we have a deal, then?

Bar Wench?

A round of drinks for me and my new friends.

And then we're gonna bag us a house shark.

Bar Wench, you motherfuckers.

I'll give ya a Bar Wench.

There she is gentlemen.

Maybe we should wait 'til the morning.

Yeah, that may be a good idea.

Right?

It would give us a tactical advantage

over the house minnow.

I mean, this house shark thinks he can mess with,

well you and I. .

I mean,

maybe it's just afraid of all the dark and lightning.

Yeah.

Hell, yeah.

House sharks need their mothers.

Wait he gets ahold of us.

Why don't we call him the House Jaws?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, ixnay on the ausjay, there Frankie.

It's time to rise and shine, ladies.

We have to go in there.

What,

in the house?

Well, we're not gonna find the house shark in a mall.

We'll find a mall shark in a mall,

but we're looking for a house shark.

The way I see it is,

we can't just gally ho in there, either.

We start getting the blood of the beast.

He may just run in and allude the house.

Well that's a good thing, right?

No, Mr. Roosevelt, that's a bad thing.

'Cause if he leaves the house,

he'll just take up residence elsewhere.

Took me 127 years to find him, I'm not gonna lose him again.

This will be his final days.

I just wish I could blow this house up.

Vhy haven't you?

What? Vhy haven't you blown up

the house good like?

It's too risky.

I don't wanna take the chance

of someone close by getting hurt.

But you're trying to sell it?

No.

Well, I mean, not really.

Look, shortly after the first attack,

I signed up with this real estate agency.

But then I had a change of heart.

These guys, they're, they're so damn persistent.

I've never seen anything like it.

They're tenacious.

Ruthless, almost.

It's like dealing with the mafia.

Believe me, I know.

Well, there's no guarantees

that blowing up zhe house would work anyway.

And burning it down might just give him more time to escape.

Yes, I agree with this Abraham.

We must go inside and stop the beast, vonce and for all.

Alright, so what's the plan?

You ladies done good.

I'd like to see him get outta that.

We're gonna have a hard time getting out, too,

once we get in there.

Well, like I said, many moons ago,

it's all or nothing.

You know, the house shark seems to be able

to, to travel through the walls and such.

Do you really think boarding up the windows and doors

will keep him from getting out?

Oh, is speakin's to me's?

Yeah.

Oh, vell, you sees, the house shark

can only enter the house through zhe vindows and zhe doors.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

You're so smart.

When you two queers are done swapping spit,

what do you say we go in there and kill us a demon,

that I've dubbed the, the house shark.

Copyrighted by Abraham Crabtree Lincoln.

You know, maybe we should have waited

'til we were inside before we boarded up the door.

Harmless dick.

Goddamn, will you look at that?

Screw these bars in.

Who screwed this one here?

What are you doing, Frank?

We're gonna put an end to this, Lady Bird.

That's suicidal.

No, look, I'm in good hands with these two guys.

Where'd you guys... They're the only ones

that can help me put an end to this once and for all.

Pansy weasels... You'll die in there, Frank.

Well, thanks for the vote of confidence.

Ah, Lady Bird, this is Zachary,

Zachary this is Lady Bird.

Oh,

hello.

Frank told me about you.

He said you're in sharks?

I am not in sharks,

dumb ass.

What are you doing?

Get back to work.

What a dumb bitch.

Isn't there another way? Abraham, you'll never

what this bitch said. I've been living in fear

of this house shark

for long enough. I heard you're in sharks.

I'm not afraid anymore.

I need to face it. Oh my god,

I've never laughed so hard Really?

in my life. You're not afraid?

No. Oh, no, it looks like I'm

a fucking piece of fruit. House shark.

House shark.

House shark.

House shark.

House shark.

And what am I supposed to tell Theo?

I don't know.

Tell him that his dad had a psychotic breakdown

and had to go away for awhile.

Look, I need to do this.

I want my life back.

I want my son back.

Good luck, then.

We'll be waiting for you when you finish this.

Ve?

I, I, mean, we?

Yes.

We.

Hey, Francis McDoodle pants,

when you're done kissing Sponge Bob Ugly Face,

why don't you get over here, time's a waistin'.

Zhe ex-wife, huh?

No, duh.

House shark,

house shark, oh. Cut the shit.

Enough gally gabbing

from you two teeny, tiny, string bean,

little, bitty, penis men.

It's time to suit up.

Let's move.

What the hell?

We can't get out either?

I don't want you two faggots, here,

going at the first sign of danger.

It's all or nothin'.

Where to?

I say we check out the room where the first to die.

This way, then.

Calling upon the instincts of my ancestors,

Native American, Blackfoot Tribe.

My keen skills as a house shark hunter,

I'm certain the attack

happened in this vast

vicinity.

But mainly this area over here.

It happened in the toilet.

Ah, maybe she's dropping depth chargers

on the Poseidon.

Yeah, she was dropping the kids off at the pool.

Wait, vhat are you doing?

It's called the,

the lost art of patience.

A virtue that's faded among queer folks such as yourself.

To answer your question, we wait.

And what do we do if the house shark shows up?

Oh, it,

it's a good question.

Um, you know, I heard when a shark is attacking,

you stick, um, two fingers in its anus.

Try that.

What?

For any large predator,

I've just heard you ram your fist down its throat.

I'm, I'm pretty sure that only works on bears.

A bear shark?

No, just bears.

A bear?

Mr. Roosevelt, we're not talkin' about bear.

We're talkin' about shark.

House shark.

I swear to God.

This would just be so much easier,

if I could just blow my head off right now.

No, Frank.

Please.

You two chumps just worry about keepin' watch.

What you got in there?

Oh, just some zings to help with the house shark.

Oh, yeah, like what?

Just things.

Jeez, man, I'm sorry, I was,

I was just asking.

Sorry, things are just a bit tense right now.

It's okay, man.

Trust me, I know.

Hey, let me show you something.

Whoa.

What's that?

By your surprised expression,

I've bet you've never seen vone of these before?

A variable, anomaly generator.

It looks like a toy.

Oh, it is far from zhat.

With one pull of the trigger,

I could blow zhe side of this bathroom down.

You really think that'll stop the house shark?

I'm not sure.

It could surprise it, maybe.

It surprises me.

It scares me.

Can, can you put it away?

I don't even like looking at it.

Yeah, I don't even like touching this.

This is all I need to take care of that house shark.

Ooh, a Beretta nine millimeter.

Yeah, now you know your guns.

Yep, one shot from this will blow a man's dick clear off.

Vell, this is no man we are dealing with, Frank.

Yeah, trust me, this will get the job done.

Is that the same gun that you used

when you were on zhe force?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was.

Well you know Frank,

you never finished telling me why you left the force.

I guess not.

It's a long story.

Vell, all we have is time.

Besides, I'm vide awake.

I've had three coffees, two No-Dozes,

and one Red Bull this morning.

Alright.

Well, it all started about a year ago.

My partner, he got a call

to The Redwood Motel.

Goodnight, my sauerkraut prince.

Oh, thank you, my my .

Dude.

What the fuck?

You just gave me the golden shower.

Not on my watch.

face it off, Frank.

Get behind me.

Why didn't it attack us?

Oh, my God.

Oh,

guys,

he's gone.

Why didn't he kill us?

Zhat was no house shark.

Say what?

Mm.

Trust me, that was our beast.

No, maybe a toilet grizzly or sink piranha.

Maybe even a couch gator that's wandered away from its herd,

whatever it was, that was no house shark.

Don't be telling me my business, Mr. Taylor.

We're not out here huntin' hairbrush barracudas

and plunger orcas,

I think I know a house shark when I seen one.

We need to move out.

We're gonna need more room,

if we wanna fight this heathen bastard.

Who is this outlaw who drew a penis on me?

Ah, maybe it was the house shark?

Damn

that evil

demon

boy.

Stay close.

Guys, we're gonna get bigger guns, right?

Guys?

Hey.

Hey, wait for me.

Abraham, I was thinking,

instead of waiting for the house shark to come and get us,

maybe we have some things that can,

how do you say, draw him out in zhe open?

Like what?

Hmm, glad you asked.

No.

Jimmy Cue cracks.

When I was a wheel hound,

every little scrap, whether it be the well

or real estate broker.

Ah,

I found it.

What do you have there?

It's a female house shark costume.

A what?

A female house shark costume.

It looks like a regular shark costume to me.

Vhat? You don't zee the apron?

So one of us gets in the suit.

Goes out into the house.

Presents his anus.

Our anus,

Shark's in the house.

Hope the shark thinks it's a vagina.

Our shark?

Yeah, pretty much.

Sounds good to me.

Well, I am not wearing a women's costume.

I'm paying you $10 G's.

You well what I say.

Ah, Abraham.

Was that name badge from the Syracuse Parade Of Houses?

Ah, yes, it is.

Were you in the Syracuse Parade of Houses in '04?

Aye, I was.

Wait, what's the Syracuse Parade of Houses?

Oh, wait, I think I've read about that.

That's when they--

Syracuse Parade of Houses.

2004.

Biggest home sales event in the Northeast.

Hundreds of families touring homes.

All across Central New York.

I was the head realtor for that event.

It was a normal day.

Sun shining bright.

I was poised to make hundreds of thousands.

But I knew something was off that day.

Storm clouds on the horizon.

Seemed to hover there.

Like a storm was brewin'.

I didn't get the fast hand

that anything was up 'til about lunchtime.

A couple missed their second showing.

Another family disappeared on the second floor.

I thought they'd slipped out before I could give them

the old fashioned hard press, you know?

But then, I saw my buddy.

My co-worker.

Tommy Jefferson.

He was a young guy.

30's, but looked like 12 like Mr. Taylor, here.

I thought I was he was sitting, resting in a chair.

I put my hand on his shoulder,

and he fell over.

He was bitten in half.

After that, chaos broke out.

People were running and screaming.

There were blood, guts, balls,

vaginas.

Human insides.

Half digested clam chowder, if you know what I mean?

It was everywhere.

That's when I saw him for the first time.

The house shark.

He had the blackest of eyes.

Cold

and dark.

Like a porn star's anus before it's bleached.

He lunged at me.

He bit off both my arms, my legs, my head.

All in three quick moves.

Your head?

I woke up three days later in the hospital.

The good doctor's had managed

to stitch me all back together.

I'm not sure how many people died that day.

Three,

four,

maybe none.

I don't know.

I never saw the house shark again.

That is, well, not 'til today.

Came close a few times.

Could always sense him near.

But he managed to allude me.

I'll never sell another house again, Mr. Roosevelt,

But I will kill that house shark,

if it's the last thing I do.

Life can terrible, yes.

But we push on.

'Cause that's what we do.

We're Americans.

We stand together as a family and we fight.

God bless you and your family.

God bless, America.

Yeah,

America.

Hey, Frank, you never finished telling me

vhy you left the force.

Oh, yeah, that.

I wanna make a long story short,

one day my partner and I--

We don't have time for this sausage fest.

House shark.

What, goddammit.

That must be a 10 footer.

A, a couple meters, sure.

14 foot to be exact, no less than one ton.

Shoot him boys, shoot it down.

We're gonna need a bigger house.

It's all about size with you, isn't it, Frank?

No.

So what do we do?

I need you to go out there, Frank.

Get closer, what?

No

way. Yes, go closer,

turn around and provoke.

I can't provoke, you're insane.

Yes, show your lady parts to him.

Oh, you know, you show your lady parts at him.

The only reason why we're still alive

is because he thinks you are female,

so go out there, let him mount you,

and I have some drugs that will knock him out later.

I am not letting a house shark have sex with me.

Oh, just let him put the tip in.

The tip? Oh, God,

just go out there before he attacks us.

Out of the way.

Where'd he go?

How'd he get behind us?

He's got a gun.

Zachary, get behind me.

Our newest friend's rock hard,

chiseled .

What, what are you talking about, I'm not dead?

Ah, go to the light, my son.

Go and be.

I don't fight, I vant him alive.

Huh?

Oh, vammit, Abraham.

You scared him off.

You idiot,

he is gone, you should have waited.

What did you mean when you said you wanted him alive?

Me, I said that? No.

My English is bad.

Oh, Mr. Taylor?

You've got some explaining to do.

Oh, give it back.

Oh, no.

Get talkin'.

I guess I can drop the fake accent.

It was fake?

What, like you knew?

Actually, I did.

Ah, no you didn't.

Totally did. Will you morons, shut up?

Oh.

It was just an experiment.

I was still a teen, practically.

What kind of experiment?

I'm a private scientist.

I had some leftover plutonium,

that I had from a contract with the USA Military.

Only this was no ordinary plutonium.

It was highly weaponized.

We were testing it on animals.

It was designed to rapidly increase their intelligence.

To give them knowledge on weapons and hand-to-hand combat,

and superpowers, such as camouflage and transmutation.

But it didn't work.

It should have.

I ran the computations over and over again, but it didn't.

So I thought I would use it.

Use it on myself, to well,

you're gonna think this sounds crazy.

Crazier than this?

I doubt it.

I wanted to give myself Spider-Man superpowers.

Okay, you're right, that is crazier.

I just thought it would be so cool.

For once in my life, to finally score with some babes.

Yeah, I mean, Spider-Man powers are cool and all,

but I prefer Mysterio myself.

Mysterio, really?

Ah, yeah, he's Spider-Man's greatest enemy.

That and I just kinda think he's cool.

That is so dumb.

I was mixing it in my lab,

when suddenly, something went wrong.

There was an explosion.

When I woke up, my shark had been exposed

to what should have been a deadly dose of radiation.

But he didn't die.

No, Woodrow had transformed into that beast

that we saw today.

I could tell immediately,

that its intelligence had increased.

But it didn't kill me.

It was confused and jumped into the sink.

Then it disappeared, and I didn't see it again.

Until today.

Okay, so you created it.

That means you must know how to kill it.

Maybe, but he's evolved.

He's faster, much bigger, and smarter.

I thought I could capture him,

and just do some testing at my lab,

but after what I saw today,

I know our only option is to kill him.

Okay, shark expert.

How do you suppose we do that?

The gun.

That would stop him, right?

Gun?

The variable, onumous,

the ray gun.

You have a ray gun?

The gun won't stop it.

It will hurt it, maybe subdue it for awhile,

but house sharks have the power of regeneration.

It can't kill it.

So you're saying we can't stop him?

Then why would you send us in on a suicide mission?

No, there might be a way.

At least I think.

Like I said, it was exposed to enough radiation,

that it should have killed it.

Maybe if we expose it to a bit more plutonium,

it can cause a chain reaction.

One that will cause an explosion.

One that it can't come back from.

But you aren't certain?

I saw it in a Godzilla movie once.

The theory is sound.

How to you plan to induce

this

reaction?

Well, I have some plutonium in my bag.

It's, it's gone.

You, you went in my pack and you took it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I didn't take anything.

Enough of this scientific mumbo-jumbo.

Thou shark's still an animal, right?

We've seen it bleed.

If it bleeds, we can kill it.

And if we can kill it, it'll be dead.

If it's dead, it won't be alive.

And we will run the organs, the house shark.

And we'll celebrate with whiskey on our lips,

and ladies in our laps , gentlemen,

for you. What are you suggesting?

I'm suggesting we do it the old fashioned way.

With how we say,

good ole,

American firepower.

And some,

some know how.

Sounds good to me.

What's the first step?

Where's the lady costume?

You really think this will work?

Absolutely, you brought the, ah, prophylactics, right?

Pro... .

♪ He was a saucy sailor boy

♪ Who came from afar

♪ Dressed and made to be the bride ♪

♪ Of poor Jack Tar

♪ The maiden, a poor fisher girl ♪

♪ She stored close by his side

♪ She answered with a scornful look ♪

♪ Thus I'll not be arised

♪ You're mad to think I'd marry you ♪

♪ Too ragged that you are

♪ Begone ya saucy sailor boy

♪ Begone you Jack Tar

♪ With money in my pocket, love ♪

♪ And a bright golden star

♪ These clothes of mine in rags ♪

♪ But karma

♪ Though black my hands, my gold is clean ♪

♪ So I'll sail afar

♪ A fairer maid then you I ween ♪

♪ You little Jack Tar

♪ Slay, slay, you saucy sailor boy ♪

♪ Do not sail afar

♪ I love you, will marry you

♪ You silly Jack Tar

House shark?

Look at me, I'm kissing your girlfriend.

Ah, she's so pretty, I think I love her.

Who the hell are you?

Damn squatters.

Ah, damn foreigners.

Get out the way.

Don't wait for me.

No, no, no, wait, wait.

Move.

What do we do?

Too tight of quarters to go after him.

We need a new plan.

Well what about Zachary?

Forget that commie, Nazi bastard.

He's on his own.

They just left me with him.

I'll get them for this.

It's of no use anymore.

Last arrow.

Final magazine.

Look, maybe we should just leave?

You know, re-equip ourselves,

now that we better know what we're dealing with here.

We can't.

Look, you need to put this personal grudge

that you have going on with the house shark aside,

and realize that we can't do this alone.

We need

help.

Francis, my boy, .

We're best friends 'til the end.

It's just a little matter of me passing this key.

Oh, gross.

You know, maybe we should just let the house shark eat us.

Think Zachary's dead?

Dead and shat out.

Oh, look.

He's alive.

Well, we'll use that gadget to call for help.

What is that?

Looks like someone's back

for the old, noon time Flipper fin.

Where is he?

We're almost to .

It's been a pleasure workin' with...

It's been an honor, Mr. Lincoln.

No fish or mammal

or anything gonna deny me a house sale.

You've been in here the whole time?

Is that you, dog?

Sorry, I was hiding in a closet,

and I got locked in and I couldn't get out,

but that flash must have dislodged the lock.

You're just in time.

What's the plan?

I'm gonna do what they do in all the mutant shark movies,

and the first Men In Black,

I'm goin' in.

Grab some cover.

Shit.

I think he'll be back for dessert.

Preferably a

banana split.

You're the banana, and I'm the nuts.

What was that?

I can't swim.

Oh, God, I can't do that.

And there's water in my flask.

Here, take this.

It's my son's.

Oh, what happened?

I think the house shark

blew the hot water heater.

Something tells me that wasn't the house shark.

You think it was Zachary?

Who the hell is Zachary?

He probably plugged the drain.

We're going to have to swim down there and unplug it,

before it fills up more and fills the house.

Yeah, you're right.

Let's go together.

Okay, I got your back.

But keep your eye peeled.

Not only for the house shark but for Zachary.

He may have set a trap.

Okay, alright, let's go.

Follow me.

Wait, Frank?

Frank? Oh, God.

What? Sorry, one more thing.

It calms me down.

There's a problem.

What? I'm sober.

Frank, is that you? Just, stop.

Get, get off me.

Where's the shark?

We gotta get outta here.

Wait, wait, well, what about Zachary?

Forget about him, we don't wanna be cornered.

We're loose.

I haven't been sober in 27 years.

Come, Francis, follow me.

I know the way.

Son of a

bitch is here.

I can feel the shark reeling.

What's the ammo situation?

Bullets will need to dry out.

I'm down to my last rounds.

My arrows, too.

Dammit.

Damn it all to hell.

Make yourself scarce.

Don't.

I have to.

Abraham, no.

Ah.

♪ Hush little house shark

♪ Now don't you wake

♪ Mama's gonna bake you

♪ Some human steaks

♪ And if those steaks

♪ Don't fill you up

♪ Then Mama's gonna make you

♪ Some more human steaks

We can't keep hiding.

Can you pass that key?

No,

not yet.

I'm a bit constipated.

It doesn't help that all I've been eating

is Saltines and Cheez Whiz.

It was your job to bring the food.

It was my job to bring the food?

It was your job.

Who's to say your right and I'm wrong?

You agreed at the bar.

Frank.

I agreed,

you agreed.

Whatever.

Until

I can expel

this key-shaped hamster,

we're gonna need a plan.

When watching that nuclear devil sleep,

it gave me an idea.

What's the shark's greatest natural enemy?

Man.

No, I mean, like in the sea.

I don't know, an orca?

No, not an orca.

No, I'm, I'm pretty sure it's an orca.

Or another shark.

No, you fool.

I mean, in the sea.

I give up.

The mantis.

Mantis?

Like a manta ray.

No,

the praying mantis.

No.

No, it isn't.

I've got to train like the mantis.

Fight

like the mantis.

Be,

be the mantis.

And when it comes back,

we'll be ready.

Okay.

You got this.

C'mon.

Speed.

C'mon.

Speed.

He's gonna kill us.

Speed.

I'm ready.

You know, maybe I should've train, too.

Besides, I'm in way better shape than you are.

Is it?

Uh, Frankie, my boy,

we're one Nutty Buddy away to freedom.

Maybe we can actually

get outta here before this thing comes back?

Do you have a bucket or a microwaveable safe Tupperware?

A, a bucket?

Yes, I can't sit down on the toilet.

Ah, you're right.

Underneath the kitchen sink.

Okay, baby steps. Follow me.

Baby steps, bye, bye.

Now where is this?

Oh, I'm gonna poopy pants, hurry.

Ah, shit.

I got to poopies, ah,

shit.

Ah, okay, ah, turnaround, Frank.

Wait, why?

I can't drop an organic depth charge with you watching.

Easy, easy.

Can I touch your face?

No. Please.

It helps me let my people go.

No.

My hands are clean.

I doubt that.

Look, do you wanna get outta here or not?

For Fuck's sake.

Go ahead.

I think we're gonna need a bigger bucket.

You may wanna finish murdering that brown snake.

Shit, did you get the key?

No, it's still in me.

Well, sit back down.

I can't drop a colored panda buddy

with this unholy beast watching me.

Enough fretting, let's get it on.

Now wish me luck, mate.

Good luck.

Ah, thank you.

Yeah, get him

Frank?

Get the key.

You have the key?

It's in my ass, still.

What?

Dig in my butt, it's close to the outer rim.

I, I'm, I'm putting my arm up your ass, man?

Francis, you have to.

It's the only way, get out, save yourself.

Live to fight another day.

I think I can keep it from swallowing me,

but we don't have much time.

Hurry, Francis

I'm sorry, it's hard to find in your tiny,

baby-size, flat ass.

I'll buy you more time.

Frank, use the force of the plutonium.

You should have never left the force.

No, no, it's too late for that.

I have Zachary's syringe.

Who the hell is Zachary?

The house shark scientist, that.

Look, if I stab the house shark with this pointy thing,

then he'll mutate and explode.

Maybe. But if he explodes,

you'll die Francis.

I have no choice.

We have to put and end to this thing right now.

Okay,

I'll distract him.

Come here, you son of a bitch.

Get outta the way.

It didn't work.

There's another way.

No,

game over, man.

Game over.

Shoot

me.

What?

I'm more whiskey than man now, anyway.

My flammable blood will help sink

this heathen beast to kingdom come, once and for all.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah, okay.

You came to that decision awfully quickly,

don't you think?

Do you wanna debate about this?

You could have struggled

just a little bit.

We don't have time for this.

I at least hesitated when you all

suggested the syringe thing.

I'm startin' to feel it now.

I love you.

What? I, I was losing vigor.

Smile you son of a biscuit.

Yeah.

Woo.

I think I need a doctor.

You're alive?

Frank, I need you to be frank with me.

Is it bad?

Um,

no.

No, you'll be fine.

Get me to a surgeon, quick.

They can rebuild me.

Better, stronger, faster.

Did we kill him?

Yeah,

we did.

Good.

The nightmare is finally over thanks to me,

and well, a little effort on your part.

You got both my arms and my legs there?

Um,

yeah.

And my trusted pork, my extra long,

terrestrials there?

Um, no.

What? Look again.

It's big and glows.

Like the lost ark.

I'm sorry, it's gone.

Well, then, just kill me now.

Life ain't worth livin'.

Ah, a what?

Ah, it's one of your limericks.

Yeah, your tiny penis is here.

That's not funny.

Look in my exposed heart, it's beating a mile a minute.

Yeah, well, that's what you get

for making me stick my arm up your ass.

Oh, now who's fault was that, Frank?

What?

It was your fault.

You don't joke about a man's majority part.

But enough about my 16 and a half inch president.

You never got to tell me

about your time on the police force.

Well, Abraham,

I think that's just a story for another day.

Goddammit, my fake beard fell off again.

Say what?

I don't know how much longer I can hold this.