All language subtitles for House.Shark.2017.1080p.WebRIP.x264.AAC

Gettin' back on the dating
horse tonight, Theodore.

You look great, dad.

Thanks, Son.

You, ah, sure you
wanna wear that, though?

Yeah, probably not.

Force of habit.

Why don't you ever go back?

Maybe,

one day.

Well, hey, help me
finish getting ready.

Where's my tie?

Her name's Eleanor.

I should have known.

It's nice to meet you, Frank.

Dad, doesn't the guy
usually pick up the girl?

Welcome to
the 21st Century, Son.

Go finish your homework.

Ah, alright, Betsy.

Make sure Theo
finishes his homework.

No junk food and in
bed by 8:30, okay?

Yes, Mr. Roosevelt.

Will you be late?

Ah, no, not too late.

10? Well, it has been awhile.

Maybe like 10:15ish?

Hey, buddy, come here.

Give me hug.

Hey, hey, hey, make sure
you listen to Betsy, okay?

Stay out of trouble, alright?

Gotcha, Dad.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Mkay, goodnight, punk.

Goodnight, Betsy.

Oh, wait.

Yeah?

Could you leave the
door open a crack?

Sure.

Thanks.

Betsy?

Mm-hmm?

Could you leave the light
on in my dad's room, too?

Aren't you a little
old for a nightlight?

I don't know.

I've been hearing noises lately.

Noises?

Like what?

I don't know,
like breathing in the walls.

Oh, that's just the
deformed guy in a hockey mask

with a chainsaw under your bed.

What?

Relax, I'm just kidding.

That's some messed
up crap, Betsy.

I know, I couldn't resist.

You need new panties?

Give a kid a break.

And yeah,

I do.

Look, it's probably
just the wind.

Older house.

It doesn't sound
like the wind.

Mkay, you got it.

Thanks.

Goodnight, hosebag.

Night, puke.

Wow, one little kid
spook you much, Betsy?

My
God, what the fuck?

Alright,
you guys ready?

Just zooming out.

This is
so fucked up, Freddy.

Shut up, or
I'm gonna get you next.

Oh.

Damn period gas.

Thanks, Frank.

Your tongue was legendary.

Oh,

God.

Fuck.

Slime squishing]

Ah, stiff arms.

Glue.

♪ Now I think I see the light

♪ I think I see the light
Hello?

♪ I think I see the light

Betsy, I'm home.

Dad?

Theo.

What are you still doing up?

I heard a noise.

Dad?
Stay right there.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Dad?

What happened?

Where's Betsy, I.

Dad, what happened, and

why does your face smell
like an old tire, I?

No.

[wind rustling leaves

What the hell, kid?

Can't you see I'm going
through hell here?

Dad, relax, take a chill pill.

I'm sorry, Son.

I'm just really going
through hell right now.

You didn't eat your beans.

Beans for breakfast,
lunch and dinner

isn't going to cut it.

I'm sorry,

I'll got eat with
Mom, or something.

I'm sorry, money's
just really tight right now.

It's okay.

Hey, why don't you watch
your Pewbuscus and Toby pie

that you like so much?

You're a dork, Dad.

Hey there, little man.

Hey.

Hey, buddy, come
give me a hug.

Go wait in the
car for me, Theo.

You gonna cut
his balls off, Mom?

Honey, watch your
mouth, of course not.

Yeah, she is.

Frank,
we need to talk.

About what this time?

Ah,
the same old thing.

Our son cannot be living
in a tent in the backyard.

And why not?

Really?

Winter's coming, what
are you going to do then?

I don't know,
I'll build an igloo.

An igloo?

Really, Frank?
Yeah, why not?

Igloos are warm.

I mean, if they're good enough

for the Chinese,

they're good enough for me.

Either get him
back in a real house,

or I'm going to sue
you for full custody.

Why don't you sell the house?

And get a new place?

I can't sell it.

That's because you
won't let anyone inside.

No, you don't understand.

No one understands.

It's not safe in there.

I wanna demolish that house.

I wanna burn it to ashes.

And then I wanna
burn those ashes.

And then I wanna put
those ashes in a canister,

and shoot 'em towards the sun.

Then I wanna take a nuclear
bomb and shoot it at the sun--

I get the point, Frank.

You didn't see what
I saw, Lady Bird.

What, that there's some
sort of monster in there?

The police searched
the place, it's empty.

There's no monster,
there never was.

Freak plumbing
accident, that's all.

There is a monster.

I saw it.

And it's still in
there, I can feel it.

It's looking at me.

Undressing me with its eyes.

Violating my every orifice

with its sick, twisted,
perverted mind.

It's gotta penis, but tits, too,

like some sort of shemale.

And it tricks you, makes
you think it's a woman,

until you're at
home alone with it.

All naked and horned
up and you think,

hey, why let my first real
boner in months go to waste?

Frank?

Believe me.

It's still in
there, just waiting.

Waiting for the
chance to kill again.

You need help, Frank.

Serious psychiatric help.

Why don't you back to the force,

and get your old job back?

Make some money, rent a
decent place at least.

I can't go back.

Not now.

It's too hard.

What happened
to you out there?

They pushed me.

They pushed me too
far, Lady Bird.

Well, that shouldn't
effect our son's life.

Straighten up, Frank.

Or you're going to
lose him.

He won't let us in the
house to show anyone.

He knows the bank
is ready to foreclose on it?

Yes, of course.

He doesn't care.

You have
the key, correct?

Yes.

Then
schedule a showing.

Without his permission, sir?

If the bank takes
the house, we get nothing.

We need it sold.

I don't know.

Are you a killer, George?

Sir?

It's a simple question.

Are

you

a killer?

Ah, I just wanna do a
good job, Mr. Reagan, sir.

Do you know the history
of this company, George?

Um, bits and pieces, sir.

Well let me
enlighten you, son.

My great grandfather
came here from Italy,

God rest his soul.

And he came here with one goal,

to dominate the
real estate industry

in The United States.

We've done just that.

Well beyond his wildest dreams.

We are the most powerful
agency in the world,

and we didn't get there
having banks foreclose

on our properties.

We have a 97 and
3/4% closing ratio.

Yes, of course.

Everyone knows that Reagan
Realty is the cream of the crop.

And do you know what
happened to the agents

of the remaining 2
and a 1/4%, George?

Uh,

no sir.

Well let's just say
neither do their families.

Sell the house, George,

or you'll find out
exactly what happened

to the other 2 and a 1/4%..

Yeah, yes, sir.

Good, George.

Get your sweet ass outta here.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Nancy?

Yes, Mr. Reagan?

Cancel the light
repairman today.

Yes, sir.

We do floors--
Hey.

What's going on here?

Who said you could
show the house?

Excuse me a moment.

Ah, please look around.

Um, just a local drunk.

Look,

we need to let people
see the inside of house

if we're going to sell it.

I don't wanna
sell it, I wanna burn it.

No.

Why don't you guys
check upstairs?

Ah, there's five bedrooms.

Great for a couple
looking to start a family.

No, no.

No, don't, don't go up there.

Don't, don't.

You'll die up there.

Look, Frank.

Don't be ridiculous here.

There's nothing wrong
with this house.

No, there is.

And I think I know what it is.

What's this?

This is something I
found at the library.

A similar case except for worse.

A Parade of Houses.

Couples ripped to pieces.

The real estate agent said
it was something called

a house shark.

A house shark?

Is this a joke, Frank?

No, listen to me.

It's real, these things exist.

Checkers.

Huh, let her
go, she'll be fine.

I even found info
on a scientist.

He claims to be the world's
only house shark expert.

I've never heard
of a house shark.

It sounds ridiculous.

Look, George,

you didn't see what I saw.

I mean, that poor girl.

Something attacked her in the
plumbing right in front of me,

and then I saw
something, something,

something like a fin.

I guess it's a bit
of a fixer upper, but

I totally

love it.

Me too.

So, we're gonna make an offer?

You bet, Dolly.

Yeah, I read
the police report.

They looked.

They didn't find anything.

It was some kinda
freak suction built up

in the pipes from
the waste station.

But what did the
coroner say, huh?

What did he say, George?

What did he write at first?

He said it looked
like a shark attack.

Um,

no,

he never said that.

Well, I, well, I mean,
I'm sure he thought it.

First place I'm wanna
make mad monkey love to you,

is right here in
this living room.

Oh, yeah, John?

Give me that stink, baby.

John, don't.

And where's Checkers?

Checkers?

Hey, look, Frank.

If you don't sell this house,

the bank will take it.

I'll blow it up first.

No, you won't.

We're going to sell this house.

My balls you are.

Wait.

Did you hear something, John?

Uh, it's probably
just the dog, baby.

John, stop.

I don't want anyone catching us

with your fingers up my butt.

Wait, what was that?

Shark.

House shark.

Do you wanna see my gun?

Look at that, real
life police gun.

Here, hold it, there.

You're just like a cop.

Frank?

Lady Bird?

What happened?

This couple was attacked.

Attacked by some sort of
monster hiding in the house.

Oh, my...

You were right, Frank.

Oh, you were right all along.

Yeah.

Listen, can you watch Theo
for the next few days?

Just until I can
sort his all out.

Yes, of course.

Take care of this, Frank.

I, I will, Lady Bird.

If the monster
comes 'round here,

I'll come after
him with a stick.

George?

George?

George, George, look.

Look, I'm gonna call this guy.

This, ah, this,
this Zachary guy.

Get him out here and see
what he knows, I mean--

Frank, did you know I had
three families scheduled today?

It doesn't matter now, George.

One of them hand kids.

Kids, Frank.

And these weren't just

some ugly kids.

I saw pictures.

They were adorable.

Like, Emmanuel Lewis
on Webster adorable.

Look, we're going to make
things alright, George, okay?

Just no more showings, agreed?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Okay.

Look, I'm gonna get
this scientist out here.

Yes, you do what you have to.

I'm gonna
go meet with my boss.

Okay,

good.

Hey, I'll be in touch.

We lost my gun.

Get me, Zachary Taylor.

House shark?

I, I wouldn't have believe it,

if I hadn't seen it for myself.

Fortunately for you, George,

I have a plan for this.

Sir?

I'm putting my top home
inspector on it, Darth Squanto.

He can handle it.

Frank?

George.

Look, I found the scientist
from the Homeographic Institute.

He's on his way.

We've come up
with another plan.

What?

Look, I thought
we agreed we would

wait for the expert to arrive?

My boss brought
in his own expert.

Meet Darth Squanto.

There's no one with you.

Greetings.

A Native American?

What can you do?

Don't underestimate my powers.

Squanto, enough.

Release him.

As you wish.

Sorry.

His people are sensitive people.

I just don't
understand the connection.

Native Americans,

sharks?

My people were great
hunters of sharks.

How so?

Once the shark
walked the land.

Much like the buffalo.

We hunted their herds,
wore their skins.

Ate their flesh.

And gave humble praise
to their spirit.

But like the dolphin before him,

the shark one day
discovered the vast oceans.

There they found they were the
top of nature's food chain.

Even man was prey to this mighty
creature within its depths.

And so,

they stayed.

Most of them.

Do you think you can take it?

I am most certain of it.

Let's kill us some
mothertruckin' house shark.

Are you Frank?

Yeah, who the hell are you?

John and Dolly are my parents.

I thought they
didn't have any kids?

They don't, they
were going to adopt me.

Let's see how this plays out.

I heard there was a
shark attack in this house,

and you did nothing, Frank.

Nothing.

And now it's back to the high
kill adoption shelter for me.

You dick.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Frank.

She's wrong.

Of course she's
wrong, you idiot.

I did everything that I could.

Well, I wouldn't say
you did everything.

Oh,

the fuck.

Yeah, I did.

Enough.

It is time we faced this fish.

Mammal.

Aquatic

Devil.

Yeah, you think?

Mm.

Jeez.

More of an asshat.

Good luck.

Do not fear.

For soon your home shall
will be rid of this demon.

Thank you.

Hello, Ronald.

Who's here?

It's been a long time.

Who is that?

Come out where I can see you.

I'm over here.

Where? Where are you?

Come out, stop tormenting
a helpless old man.

Abraham.

That's me, bitch.

Finally crawled
out of that ditch

of vaginas and vodka
you've been living in

on the edge of town, huh?

You haven't darkened
these walls since--

Yeah, I know.

Why am I not
surprised to see you?

The smell of freshly soiled
Depends tells me otherwise.

You're still the
wise ass, I see.

You knew I'd come.

I'll catch this nugget for you.

But it aint gonna be easy.

It's a bad fish there,

mammal, sharky thing

It's not like selling a
house down in the valley

to a couple of
hippies and yuppies.

No.

This beast'll swallow you whole.

A little shakin'.

A lot of tenderizin'.

A little batterin'.

Maybe he wraps you up in
some rice and seaweed,

and eats you raw.

I don't know.

Then down you go.

We gotta act quick if we
wanna bring your sales back.

You need me.

I'm the only salty dog
that can handle this.

Yeah,

maybe.

How are your stitches holding?

Oh, they need tightening.

I see.

You've gotten fat.

It's water weight, now
what do you say, am I in?

I'm not sure you're
up to the task.

If, water weight my ass.

That's muscle, trust me.

Now I won't take
no for an answer.

I don't know.

And man boobs aren't muscles.

I want in.
No.

Yes.

Get off me you fat fuck.

I out run bulls, I'm back.

Yeah, pigs don't
jiggle this much.

Yes, I do.
No.

Let me in, let me in.
No, no.

I'm the last chance you got.
Alright, okay.

Okay.

I suppose that's so.

You've chosen wisely.

Nancy?

Yes, sir?

Get George on the horn.

What the?

Lights are fixed, sir.

Oh,

dang it.

Vello?

Vello?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Go away.

We're not showing
the house today.

I'm not here to buy zhe house.

You must be that
hooker I ordered.

You're a little early, but

damn, you're one hot bitch.

I like the accent, too.

I'm not this hooker
that you speak of.

I'm looking for Franklin
Delanor Voosevelt.

Ah, it's Delano, but, ah,

that's me.

Who are you?

I am

Zachary Vaylor.

Valor?

Tay, Tay, oh.

Oh.

Taylor, the house shark expert

from the institute, of course.

I'm so glad you're here,
thank you for coming out.

Mm-hmm.
Ah, can I get you

anything to drink?

Ah, coffee?

Oh, shoot.

Out of coffee.

Ah, can I get you anything else?

Maybe some hot water?

Just let me get a fire started.

Ah, it's okay.

I'm, how you say, good.

I had'sa breakfast
before I came overs.

Breakfast?

Do you have any leftovers?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

Help yourself.

It's been days

since the last time
I've had a good meal.

So you're the world's
only house shark expert?

That's what mine resume says.

I have a few ideas.

Can vee how you
say, look around.

No, .

No, that thing swallowed Dark
Squanto whole in one bite.

And he had weird,
mystical Indian powers.

Fark who?

Oh, nevermind, I don't
vant to go inside,

I just vant to

look inz the windows.

So, ah,

how long have you been
studying the house shark?

About 30 years now.

Really?

You look like you're 30 now.

Oh, yeah, my English is bad.

I meant to say 11.

Oh, so there really is
little information out

on the house shark, huh?

Yes, the house
shark is quite vare.

Up until a few years ago,

say for only how
you say, legend.

So what got you
into the house shark?

Vell, I love zhe sharks,
but I'm afraid of the ocean.

Oh, saw Jaws, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Yes, that movie
really fucked my nut up.

Anyway, I figured I
could study the sharks

but stay on dry land.

But vhy ve circle 'round.

So is it true that more people

are killed a year by vending
machines than house sharks?

Is it true?

I don't know.

I was asking you,
you're the expert.

Hmm.

How many people die each year
to zese vending machines?

Oh,

13.

Hmm.

Like how?

Electrocution?

They fall on them.

They fall on zhem?

Yeah, like people
put their money in.

They don't get their snacks,

so they decide to shake it up.

Bam.

Pancaked.

Hmm.

Yeah, yeah.

Zhat seems true.

They need it so much.

Uh, vhat is that?

What is what?

Should you being doing that?

Ah, ve are fine as
long as we are outside.

I zink.

Oh.

What is it?

It's a viber.

It looks like a tooth.

Oh, yeah, it is a toof.

Who is that?

Oh,

that's John.

Him and his wife were
killed by the shark

when they were
looking at the house.

Wasn't that a few a days ago?

Yeah.

And they just
left them in there?

Nobody had the balls to go
in and retrieve the bodies.

Veepers.

What's that attached
to his finger?

It looks,

it looks like an anus.

A vanus?

I think so.

Is it his?

I don't think so.

It smells like flower and honey.

Why would an anus
be on his finger?

I don't know.

Sa plot thickens.

Wait.

Where's the tooth?

I accidentally
dropped it inside.

What?

Shoot.

So what are we gonna do now?

Hmm,

that was a big Mama Jama toof.

I need to sink.

Is zhere someplace
around here where we can,

how you say,

grab a drink?

Well?
Vell what?

Are you
gonna say anything?

You haven't said a word
since we left the house.

Yeah, vell, it's
just a vot to take in.

Yeah,
believe me, I know.

So Frank, vhat
did you used to do?

Used to do?

Yeah, I mean, to be honest,

you look like a van out of work.

I guess you'd be right, then.

I used to be a cop.

Oh, something bad happen?

Yeah, I guess
you could say that.

Oh, please,
tell me about zhis.

Mm, no.

I don't like to talk about it.

Please,

share.

Well one night,

I was out on patrol
with my partner, when--

What the hell, Bluebeard?

I was in the middle
of telling a story.

The name's Abraham.

Und?

Forgive me, it's
a condition I have.

I have to touch people's faces.

Um,

weird.

Do we know you?

George didn't tell
you I was comin'?

George?

I haven't talked
to George in days.

Oh.

Wait I got a, I got a voicemail.

Hey, Frank, it's George.

I'm sending a new guy over.

Abraham, he's gonna help ya out.

Between you and me, this guy
looks like a real degenerate,

but, ah, the boss wants him.

But seriously,
he's a real loser.

He smells like he hasn't
showered in weeks,

maybe even months.

And I saw him training
at the gym earlier,

he's
got the smallest...

So vhat does that make you?

Some sort of house
shark expert, too?

No, but let's just say I have
a personal interest in this.

Care to explain?

No, not yet.

I'm Frank.

Frank, please ta meet ya.

Zachary.

Really,
it's an honor.

So you're supposed to be
a fisherman or something?

Real estate agent.

Well, prior.

Well why are you dressed
like you abolished slavery?

I don't see how
zhis can help us.

Look, this house
shark of yours,

I've been lookin'
for for many moons.

He's a mean son of
a biscuit bastard.

First crossed paths
nearly ten years ago.

He bit off both my
arms and my legs.

In stitches, they are.

I sowed 'em back on.

Pfft, that seems improbable.

He's one tough fish.

Mammal.

A fish mammal.

Look, you're gonna need me.

My fee is $10,000.

I've got no money.

I'll do it for a $100.

Look, I'm broke.

I've got nothing.

Okay, I'll just do it.

It's a deal then?

I'll take $10,000.

Huh, what?

$10K, and then
you can join us.

I'm not payin'
you, you need me.

Alright, no deal.

Okay, whoa, fellas.

Will you take a check?

And meals, too.

For Zachary and I.

Alright, jeez.

That's it, right?

Wait, just one more thing.

How 'bout you buy
us, how you say,

a round

of rinks?

You sure are
one funny Mexican.

Hmm.
Okay, we have a deal, then?

Bar Wench?

A round of drinks for
me and my new friends.

And then we're gonna
bag us a house shark.

Bar Wench, you motherfuckers.

I'll give ya a Bar Wench.

There she is gentlemen.

Maybe we should wait
'til the morning.

Yeah, that
may be a good idea.

Right?

It would give us a
tactical advantage

over the house minnow.

I mean, this house shark
thinks he can mess with,

well you and I.
.

I mean,

maybe it's just afraid of
all the dark and lightning.

Yeah.

Hell, yeah.

House sharks need their
mothers.

Wait he gets ahold of us.

Why don't we
call him the House Jaws?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, ixnay on
the ausjay, there Frankie.

It's time to rise
and shine, ladies.

We have to go in there.

What,

in the house?

Well, we're not gonna find
the house shark in a mall.

We'll find a mall
shark in a mall,

but we're looking
for a house shark.

The way I see it is,

we can't just gally
ho in there, either.

We start getting the
blood of the beast.

He may just run in
and allude the house.

Well that's a
good thing, right?

No, Mr. Roosevelt,
that's a bad thing.

'Cause if he leaves the house,

he'll just take up
residence elsewhere.

Took me 127 years to find him,
I'm not gonna lose him again.

This will be his final days.

I just wish I could
blow this house up.

Vhy haven't you?

What?
Vhy haven't you blown up

the house good like?

It's too risky.

I don't wanna take the chance

of someone close
by getting hurt.

But you're trying to sell it?

No.

Well, I mean, not really.

Look, shortly
after the first attack,

I signed up with this
real estate agency.

But then I had a
change of heart.

These guys, they're,
they're so damn persistent.

I've never seen
anything like it.

They're tenacious.

Ruthless, almost.

It's like dealing
with the mafia.

Believe me, I know.

Well, there's no guarantees

that blowing up zhe
house would work anyway.

And burning it down might just
give him more time to escape.

Yes, I agree with this Abraham.

We must go inside and stop
the beast, vonce and for all.

Alright, so what's the plan?

You ladies done good.

I'd like to see
him get outta that.

We're gonna have
a hard time getting out, too,

once we get in there.

Well, like I said,
many moons ago,

it's all or nothing.

You know, the house
shark seems to be able

to, to travel through
the walls and such.

Do you really think boarding
up the windows and doors

will keep him from getting out?

Oh, is speakin's to me's?

Yeah.

Oh, vell, you
sees, the house shark

can only enter the house through
zhe vindows and zhe doors.

Oh.
Mm-hmm.

You're so smart.

When you two queers
are done swapping spit,

what do you say we go in
there and kill us a demon,

that I've dubbed
the, the house shark.

Copyrighted by Abraham
Crabtree Lincoln.

You know,
maybe we should have waited

'til we were inside before
we boarded up the door.

Harmless dick.

Goddamn, will you look at that?

Screw these bars in.

Who screwed this one here?

What are you doing, Frank?

We're gonna put an
end to this, Lady Bird.

That's suicidal.

No, look, I'm in good
hands with these two guys.

Where'd you guys...
They're the only ones

that can help me put an end
to this once and for all.

Pansy weasels...
You'll die in there, Frank.

Well, thanks for the
vote of confidence.

Ah, Lady Bird, this is Zachary,

Zachary this is Lady Bird.

Oh,

hello.

Frank told me about you.

He said you're in sharks?

I am not in sharks,

dumb ass.

What are you doing?

Get back to work.

What a dumb bitch.

Isn't there another way?
Abraham, you'll never

what this bitch said.
I've been living in fear

of this house shark

for long enough.
I heard you're in sharks.

I'm not afraid anymore.

I need to face it.
Oh my god,

I've never laughed so hard
Really?

in my life.
You're not afraid?

No.
Oh, no, it looks like I'm

a fucking piece of fruit.
House shark.

House shark.

House shark.

House shark.

House shark.

And what am I
supposed to tell Theo?

I don't know.

Tell him that his dad
had a psychotic breakdown

and had to go away for awhile.

Look, I need to do this.

I want my life back.

I want my son back.

Good luck, then.

We'll be waiting for you
when you finish this.

Ve?

I, I, mean, we?

Yes.

We.

Hey, Francis McDoodle pants,

when you're done kissing
Sponge Bob Ugly Face,

why don't you get over
here, time's a waistin'.

Zhe ex-wife, huh?

No, duh.

House shark,

house shark, oh.
Cut the shit.

Enough gally gabbing

from you two teeny,
tiny, string bean,

little, bitty, penis men.

It's time to suit up.

Let's move.

What the hell?

We can't get out either?

I don't want you
two faggots, here,

going at the first
sign of danger.

It's all or nothin'.

Where to?

I say we check out the
room where the first to die.

This way, then.

Calling upon the
instincts of my ancestors,

Native American,
Blackfoot Tribe.

My keen skills as a
house shark hunter,

I'm certain the attack

happened in this vast

vicinity.

But mainly this area over here.

It happened in the toilet.

Ah, maybe she's
dropping depth chargers

on the Poseidon.

Yeah, she was dropping
the kids off at the pool.

Wait, vhat are you doing?

It's called the,

the lost art of patience.

A virtue that's faded among
queer folks such as yourself.

To answer your
question, we wait.

And what do we do if
the house shark shows up?

Oh, it,

it's a good question.

Um, you know, I heard
when a shark is attacking,

you stick, um, two
fingers in its anus.

Try that.

What?

For any large predator,

I've just heard you ram
your fist down its throat.

I'm, I'm pretty sure
that only works on bears.

A bear shark?

No, just bears.

A bear?

Mr. Roosevelt, we're
not talkin' about bear.

We're talkin' about shark.

House shark.

I swear to God.

This would just
be so much easier,

if I could just blow
my head off right now.

No, Frank.

Please.

You two chumps just
worry about keepin' watch.

What you got in there?

Oh, just some zings to
help with the house shark.

Oh, yeah, like what?

Just things.

Jeez, man, I'm sorry, I was,

I was just asking.

Sorry, things are just
a bit tense right now.

It's okay, man.

Trust me, I know.

Hey, let me show
you something.

Whoa.

What's that?

By your surprised expression,

I've bet you've never
seen vone of these before?

A variable, anomaly generator.

It looks like a toy.

Oh, it is far from zhat.

With one pull of the trigger,

I could blow zhe side of
this bathroom down.

You really think that'll
stop the house shark?

I'm not sure.

It could surprise it, maybe.

It surprises me.

It scares me.

Can, can you put it away?

I don't even like looking at it.

Yeah, I don't even
like touching this.

This is all I need to take
care of that house shark.

Ooh, a Beretta
nine millimeter.

Yeah, now you know your guns.

Yep, one shot from this will
blow a man's dick clear off.

Vell, this is no man we
are dealing with, Frank.

Yeah, trust me, this
will get the job done.

Is that the same
gun that you used

when you were on zhe force?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was.

Well you know Frank,

you never finished telling
me why you left the force.

I guess not.

It's a long story.

Vell, all we have is time.

Besides, I'm vide awake.

I've had three
coffees, two No-Dozes,

and one Red Bull this morning.

Alright.

Well, it all
started about a year ago.

My partner, he got a call

to The Redwood Motel.

Goodnight, my sauerkraut prince.

Oh, thank you, my my
.

Dude.

What the fuck?

You just gave me
the golden shower.

Not on my watch.

face it off, Frank.

Get behind me.

Why didn't it attack us?

Oh, my God.

Oh,

guys,

he's gone.

Why didn't he kill us?

Zhat was no house shark.

Say what?

Mm.

Trust me, that was our beast.

No, maybe a toilet
grizzly or sink piranha.

Maybe even a couch gator that's
wandered away from its herd,

whatever it was, that
was no house shark.

Don't be telling me
my business, Mr. Taylor.

We're not out here huntin'
hairbrush barracudas

and plunger orcas,

I think I know a house
shark when I seen one.

We need to move out.

We're gonna need more room,

if we wanna fight
this heathen bastard.

Who is this outlaw who
drew a penis on me?

Ah, maybe it was
the house shark?

Damn

that evil

demon

boy.

Stay close.

Guys, we're gonna
get bigger guns, right?

Guys?

Hey.

Hey, wait for me.

Abraham, I was thinking,

instead of waiting for the
house shark to come and get us,

maybe we have some
things that can,

how do you say, draw
him out in zhe open?

Like what?

Hmm, glad you
asked.

No.

Jimmy Cue cracks.

When I was a wheel hound,

every little scrap,
whether it be the well

or real estate broker.

Ah,

I found it.

What do you have there?

It's a female
house shark costume.

A what?

A female house shark costume.

It looks like a regular
shark costume to me.

Vhat? You don't zee the apron?

So one of us gets in the suit.

Goes out into the house.

Presents his anus.

Our anus,

Shark's in the house.

Hope the shark
thinks it's a vagina.

Our shark?

Yeah, pretty much.

Sounds good to me.

Well, I am not wearing
a women's costume.

I'm paying you $10 G's.

You well what I say.

Ah, Abraham.

Was that name badge from the
Syracuse Parade Of Houses?

Ah, yes, it is.

Were you in the Syracuse
Parade of Houses in '04?

Aye, I was.

Wait, what's the
Syracuse Parade of Houses?

Oh, wait, I think
I've read about that.

That's when they--

Syracuse Parade of Houses.

2004.

Biggest home sales
event in the Northeast.

Hundreds of families
touring homes.

All across Central New York.

I was the head realtor
for that event.

It was a normal day.

Sun shining bright.

I was poised to make
hundreds of thousands.

But I knew something
was off that day.

Storm clouds on the horizon.

Seemed to hover there.

Like a storm was brewin'.

I didn't get the fast hand

that anything was up
'til about lunchtime.

A couple missed
their second showing.

Another family disappeared
on the second floor.

I thought they'd slipped
out before I could give them

the old fashioned
hard press, you know?

But then, I saw my buddy.

My co-worker.

Tommy Jefferson.

He was a young guy.

30's, but looked like 12
like Mr. Taylor, here.

I thought I was he was
sitting, resting in a chair.

I put my hand on his shoulder,

and he fell over.

He was bitten in half.

After that, chaos broke out.

People were running
and screaming.

There were blood, guts, balls,

vaginas.

Human insides.

Half digested clam chowder,
if you know what I mean?

It was everywhere.

That's when I saw him
for the first time.

The house shark.

He had the blackest of eyes.

Cold

and dark.

Like a porn star's anus
before it's bleached.

He lunged at me.

He bit off both my
arms, my legs, my head.

All in three quick moves.

Your head?

I woke up three days
later in the hospital.

The good doctor's had managed

to stitch me all back together.

I'm not sure how many
people died that day.

Three,

four,

maybe none.

I don't know.

I never saw the
house shark again.

That is, well, not 'til today.

Came close a few times.

Could always sense him near.

But he managed to allude me.

I'll never sell another
house again, Mr. Roosevelt,

But I will kill
that house shark,

if it's the last thing I do.

Life can terrible, yes.

But we push on.

'Cause that's what we do.

We're Americans.

We stand together as
a family and we fight.

God bless you and your family.

God bless, America.

Yeah,

America.

Hey, Frank, you never
finished telling me

vhy you left the force.

Oh, yeah, that.

I wanna make a long story short,

one day my partner and I--

We don't have time
for this sausage fest.

House shark.

What, goddammit.

That must be a 10 footer.

A, a couple meters, sure.

14 foot to be exact,
no less than one ton.

Shoot him boys, shoot it down.

We're gonna
need a bigger house.

It's all about size
with you, isn't it, Frank?

No.

So what do we do?

I need you to go
out there, Frank.

Get closer, what?

No

way.
Yes, go closer,

turn around and provoke.

I can't
provoke, you're insane.

Yes, show your
lady parts to him.

Oh, you know, you
show your lady parts at him.

The only reason
why we're still alive

is because he thinks
you are female,

so go out there,
let him mount you,

and I have some drugs that
will knock him out later.

I am not letting a
house shark have sex with me.

Oh, just
let him put the tip in.

The tip?
Oh, God,

just go out there
before he attacks us.

Out of the way.

Where'd he go?

How'd he get behind us?

He's got a gun.

Zachary, get behind me.

Our newest friend's rock hard,

chiseled .

What, what are you
talking about, I'm not dead?

Ah, go to the light, my son.

Go and be.

I don't fight,
I vant him alive.

Huh?

Oh, vammit, Abraham.

You scared him off.

You idiot,

he is gone, you
should have waited.

What did you mean when you
said you wanted him alive?

Me, I said that?
No.

My English is bad.

Oh, Mr. Taylor?

You've got some
explaining to do.

Oh, give
it back.

Oh, no.

Get talkin'.

I guess I can drop
the fake accent.

It was fake?

What, like you knew?

Actually, I did.

Ah, no you didn't.

Totally did.
Will you morons, shut up?

Oh.

It was just an experiment.

I was still a teen, practically.

What kind of experiment?

I'm a private scientist.

I had some leftover plutonium,

that I had from a contract
with the USA Military.

Only this was no
ordinary plutonium.

It was highly weaponized.

We were testing it on animals.

It was designed to rapidly
increase their intelligence.

To give them knowledge on
weapons and hand-to-hand combat,

and superpowers, such as
camouflage and transmutation.

But it didn't work.

It should have.

I ran the computations over
and over again, but it didn't.

So I thought I would use it.

Use it on myself, to well,

you're gonna think
this sounds crazy.

Crazier than this?

I doubt it.

I wanted to give myself
Spider-Man superpowers.

Okay, you're right,
that is crazier.

I just thought it
would be so cool.

For once in my life, to
finally score with some babes.

Yeah, I mean, Spider-Man
powers are cool and all,

but I prefer Mysterio myself.

Mysterio, really?

Ah, yeah, he's
Spider-Man's greatest enemy.

That and I just kinda
think he's cool.

That is so dumb.

I was mixing it in my lab,

when suddenly,
something went wrong.

There was an explosion.

When I woke up, my
shark had been exposed

to what should have been a
deadly dose of radiation.

But he didn't die.

No, Woodrow had
transformed into that beast

that we saw today.

I could tell immediately,

that its intelligence
had increased.

But it didn't kill me.

It was confused and
jumped into the sink.

Then it disappeared, and
I didn't see it again.

Until today.

Okay, so you created it.

That means you must
know how to kill it.

Maybe, but he's evolved.

He's faster, much
bigger, and smarter.

I thought I could capture him,

and just do some
testing at my lab,

but after what I saw today,

I know our only
option is to kill him.

Okay, shark expert.

How do you suppose we do that?

The gun.

That would stop him, right?

Gun?

The variable, onumous,

the ray gun.

You have a ray gun?

The gun won't stop it.

It will hurt it, maybe
subdue it for awhile,

but house sharks have the
power of regeneration.

It can't kill it.

So you're saying
we can't stop him?

Then why would you send us
in on a suicide mission?

No, there might be a way.

At least I think.

Like I said, it was exposed
to enough radiation,

that it should have killed it.

Maybe if we expose it
to a bit more plutonium,

it can cause a chain reaction.

One that will
cause an explosion.

One that it can't
come back from.

But you aren't certain?

I saw it in a
Godzilla movie once.

The theory is sound.

How to you plan to induce

this

reaction?

Well, I have some
plutonium in my bag.

It's, it's gone.

You, you went in my
pack and you took it.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I didn't take anything.

Enough of this
scientific mumbo-jumbo.

Thou shark's still
an animal, right?

We've seen it bleed.

If it bleeds, we can kill it.

And if we can kill
it, it'll be dead.

If it's dead, it won't be alive.

And we will run the
organs, the house shark.

And we'll celebrate with
whiskey on our lips,

and ladies in our laps
, gentlemen,

for you.
What are you suggesting?

I'm suggesting we
do it the old fashioned way.

With how we say,

good ole,

American firepower.

And some,

some know how.

Sounds good to me.

What's the first step?

Where's the lady
costume?

You really think
this will work?

Absolutely, you brought
the, ah, prophylactics, right?

Pro... .

♪ He was a saucy sailor boy

♪ Who came from afar

♪ Dressed and made
to be the bride ♪

♪ Of poor Jack Tar

♪ The maiden, a
poor fisher girl ♪

♪ She stored close by his side

♪ She answered with
a scornful look ♪

♪ Thus I'll not be arised

♪ You're mad to
think I'd marry you ♪

♪ Too ragged that you are

♪ Begone ya saucy sailor boy

♪ Begone you Jack Tar

♪ With money in
my pocket, love ♪

♪ And a bright golden star

♪ These clothes
of mine in rags ♪

♪ But karma

♪ Though black my hands,
my gold is clean ♪

♪ So I'll sail afar

♪ A fairer maid
then you I ween ♪

♪ You little Jack Tar

♪ Slay, slay, you
saucy sailor boy ♪

♪ Do not sail afar

♪ I love you, will marry you

♪ You silly Jack Tar

House shark?

Look at me, I'm kissing your
girlfriend.

Ah, she's so pretty,
I think I love her.

Who the hell are you?

Damn squatters.

Ah, damn foreigners.

Get out the way.

Don't wait for me.

No, no, no, wait, wait.

Move.

What do we do?

Too tight of quarters
to go after him.

We need a new plan.

Well what about Zachary?

Forget that
commie, Nazi bastard.

He's on his own.

They
just left me with him.

I'll get them for this.

It's
of no use anymore.

Last arrow.

Final magazine.

Look, maybe we
should just leave?

You know, re-equip ourselves,

now that we better know what
we're dealing with here.

We can't.

Look, you need to put
this personal grudge

that you have going on
with the house shark aside,

and realize that we
can't do this alone.

We need

help.

Francis, my boy, .

We're best friends 'til the end.

It's just a little matter
of me passing this key.

Oh, gross.

You know, maybe we should just
let the house shark eat us.

Think Zachary's dead?

Dead and shat out.

Oh, look.

He's alive.

Well, we'll use that
gadget to call for help.

What is that?

Looks like someone's back

for the old, noon
time Flipper fin.

Where is he?

We're almost to .

It's been a pleasure
workin' with...

It's been an
honor, Mr. Lincoln.

No fish or mammal

or anything gonna
deny me a house sale.

You've been in
here the whole time?

Is that you, dog?

Sorry, I was
hiding in a closet,

and I got locked in
and I couldn't get out,

but that flash must
have dislodged the lock.

You're just in time.

What's the plan?

I'm gonna do what they do in
all the mutant shark movies,

and the first Men In Black,

I'm goin' in.

Grab some cover.

Shit.

I think he'll be
back for dessert.

Preferably a

banana split.

You're the banana,
and I'm the nuts.

What was that?

I can't swim.

Oh, God, I can't do that.

And there's water in my flask.

Here, take this.

It's my son's.

Oh, what happened?

I think the house shark

blew the hot water heater.

Something tells me that
wasn't the house shark.

You think it was Zachary?

Who the hell is Zachary?

He probably plugged the drain.

We're going to have to swim
down there and unplug it,

before it fills up more
and fills the house.

Yeah, you're right.

Let's go together.

Okay, I got your back.

But keep your eye peeled.

Not only for the house
shark but for Zachary.

He may have set a trap.

Okay, alright, let's go.

Follow me.

Wait, Frank?

Frank? Oh, God.

What?
Sorry, one more thing.

It calms me down.

There's a problem.

What?
I'm sober.

Frank, is that you?
Just, stop.

Get, get off me.

Where's the shark?

We gotta get outta here.

Wait, wait, well,
what about Zachary?

Forget about him, we
don't wanna be cornered.

We're loose.

I haven't been
sober in 27 years.

Come, Francis, follow me.

I know the way.

Son of a

bitch is here.

I can feel the shark reeling.

What's the ammo situation?

Bullets will need to dry out.

I'm down to my last rounds.

My arrows, too.

Dammit.

Damn it all to hell.

Make yourself scarce.

Don't.

I have to.

Abraham, no.

Ah.

♪ Hush little house shark

♪ Now don't you wake

♪ Mama's gonna bake you

♪ Some human steaks

♪ And if those steaks

♪ Don't fill you up

♪ Then Mama's gonna make you

♪ Some more human steaks

We can't keep hiding.

Can you pass that key?

No,

not yet.

I'm a bit constipated.

It doesn't help that
all I've been eating

is Saltines and Cheez Whiz.

It was your job
to bring the food.

It was my job
to bring the food?

It was your job.

Who's to say your
right and I'm wrong?

You agreed at the bar.

Frank.

I agreed,

you agreed.

Whatever.

Until

I can expel

this key-shaped hamster,

we're gonna need a plan.

When watching that
nuclear devil sleep,

it gave me an idea.

What's the shark's
greatest natural enemy?

Man.

No, I mean, like in the sea.

I don't know, an orca?

No, not an orca.

No, I'm, I'm pretty
sure it's an orca.

Or another shark.

No, you fool.

I mean, in the sea.

I give up.

The mantis.

Mantis?

Like a manta ray.

No,

the praying mantis.

No.

No, it isn't.

I've got to train
like the mantis.

Fight

like the mantis.

Be,

be the mantis.

And when it comes back,

we'll be ready.

Okay.

You got this.

C'mon.

Speed.

C'mon.

Speed.

He's gonna kill us.

Speed.

I'm ready.

You know, maybe I
should've train, too.

Besides, I'm in way
better shape than you are.

Is it?

Uh, Frankie, my boy,

we're one Nutty Buddy
away to freedom.

Maybe we can actually

get outta here before
this thing comes back?

Do you have a bucket or a
microwaveable safe Tupperware?

A, a bucket?

Yes, I can't sit
down on the toilet.

Ah, you're right.

Underneath the kitchen sink.

Okay, baby steps.
Follow me.

Baby steps, bye, bye.

Now where is this?

Oh, I'm gonna
poopy pants, hurry.

Ah, shit.

I got to poopies, ah,

shit.

Ah, okay, ah, turnaround, Frank.

Wait, why?

I can't drop an organic
depth charge with you watching.

Easy, easy.

Can I
touch your face?

No.
Please.

It helps me let my people go.

No.

My hands are clean.

I doubt that.

Look, do you wanna
get outta here or not?

For Fuck's sake.

Go ahead.

I think we're gonna
need a bigger bucket.

You may wanna finish
murdering that brown snake.

Shit, did you get the key?

No, it's still in me.

Well, sit back down.

I can't drop a
colored panda buddy

with this unholy
beast watching me.

Enough fretting,
let's get it on.

Now wish me luck, mate.

Good luck.

Ah, thank you.

Yeah, get him

Frank?

Get the key.

You have the key?

It's in my ass, still.

What?

Dig in my butt, it's
close to the outer rim.

I, I'm, I'm putting
my arm up your ass, man?

Francis, you have to.

It's the only way, get
out, save yourself.

Live to fight another day.

I think I can keep it
from swallowing me,

but we don't have much time.

Hurry, Francis

I'm sorry, it's hard
to find in your tiny,

baby-size, flat ass.

I'll buy you more time.

Frank, use the force
of the plutonium.

You should have
never left the force.

No, no, it's
too late for that.

I have Zachary's syringe.

Who the hell is Zachary?

The house shark
scientist, that.

Look, if I stab the house
shark with this pointy thing,

then he'll mutate and explode.

Maybe.
But if he explodes,

you'll die Francis.

I have no choice.

We have to put and end
to this thing right now.

Okay,

I'll distract him.

Come here, you son of a bitch.

Get outta the way.

It didn't work.

There's another way.

No,

game over, man.

Game over.

Shoot

me.

What?

I'm more whiskey
than man now, anyway.

My flammable blood
will help sink

this heathen beast to kingdom
come, once and for all.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah, okay.

You came to that
decision awfully quickly,

don't you think?

Do you wanna
debate about this?

You could have struggled

just a little bit.

We don't have time for this.

I at least
hesitated when you all

suggested the syringe thing.

I'm startin' to feel it now.

I love you.

What?
I, I was losing vigor.

Smile you son of a biscuit.

Yeah.

Woo.

I think
I need a doctor.

You're alive?

Frank, I need you
to be frank with me.

Is it bad?

Um,

no.

No, you'll be fine.

Get me
to a surgeon, quick.

They can rebuild me.

Better, stronger, faster.

Did we kill him?

Yeah,

we did.

Good.

The nightmare is finally
over thanks to me,

and well, a little
effort on your part.

You got both my arms
and my legs there?

Um,

yeah.

And my trusted
pork, my extra long,

terrestrials there?

Um, no.

What? Look again.

It's big and glows.

Like the lost ark.

I'm sorry, it's gone.

Well,
then, just kill me now.

Life ain't worth livin'.

Ah, a what?

Ah, it's one of your limericks.

Yeah, your
tiny penis is here.

That's not funny.

Look in my exposed heart,
it's beating a mile a minute.

Yeah, well,
that's what you get

for making me stick
my arm up your ass.

Oh, now who's
fault was that, Frank?

What?

It was your fault.

You don't joke
about a man's majority part.

But enough about my 16
and a half inch president.

You never got to tell me

about your time on
the police force.

Well, Abraham,

I think that's just a
story for another day.

Goddammit, my
fake beard fell off again.

Say what?

I don't know how much
longer I can hold this.