Original subtitles

-[ Grunts ] -Oh, John.

-I´m going in. -Hang on!

Mum?! What are you doing here?

Why didn´t you call us? We´d have picked you up.

I don´t need a lift.

I´ve got one. A friend of mine.

Drives a cab in his spare time,

so he´s used to the supermarket run.

-Hi. -Hi!

ROY: Lovely day.

-He´s a happy one. -He´s getting married next week.

Oh. Who´s the lucky lady?

I am.

Ready.

-[ Camera shutter clicks ] -This is lovely, isn´t it?

It´s too expensive. And that´s before the tips.

Look at them, hovering like vultures,

waiting to pick over the bones of my wallet.

Why do they have to get married here?

It´s only Joan, isn´t it?

She´d be happy in the back room of the community center.

Maureen wanted a nice venue.

We can´t afford to stay here.

You shouldn´t have accepted the invitation.

You´ve got to learn to say no to people, Joyce.

-Ask me if you can go home. -Other than me.

John and Maureen have always been there for us.

Just smile and join in

and try to behave with a bit of dignity.

Why couldn´t they get married at the beginning of the month

-when we´ve got some money? -Alan! Joycie!

-Hiya! -Nice place, eh?

-Yeah, lovely. -Are you gonna use the spa?

I bet it´s a while since you´ve been pampered.

Joyce is the only person allowed touch my body.

And even she´s on limited access.

Alan.

Hey, they´ve even got colonic irrigation, you know.

Yeah, well, why not?

They´re already trying to suck everything out of my pockets.

JOYCE: [ Sighs ]

I´m so pleased for her, finding love a second time around.

Her marriage to my dad was a struggle for her.

He was emotionally detached.

-Oh, dear. -I had a lucky escape.

Daughters of emotionally detached fathers

-can turn out to be a bit tarty. -I didn´t know that.

I just want her to have a lovely couple of days, you know?

Must have taken a lot of planning.

The hotel sent me an online form.

Took me about five minutes.

-Oh. -Hiya!

Hi.

What´s Trevor wearing?

Well, I´ve been a bit concerned about him lately,

because of his lack of assertiveness.

So I took him to an image consultant,

got him a color-awareness makeover.

It turns out orange is his power color.

Well, the idea is,

it´ll make him assertive and more confident.

It´ll also help him to be more expressive sexually.

That´s a bonus, isn´t it?

I feel like I´m not myself,

-you know? -No, thank you!

I don´t need to wear orange to assert myself.

-I´m perfectly capable of that. -Why don´t you tell Carol?

Oh, I couldn´t do that. She´d be cross.

Hey, it´s very important that we see Roy has a good time tonight.

Yeah, well, you want to welcome him into the family.

I want to make sure he doesn´t pull out.

I´ve waited 20 years for someone to sweep Joan off her feet.

I don´t want him ducking out at the last minute.

Did you bring a shotgun?

♫ Do-do-do-do, do, do, do ♫

-♫ Do-do-do-do, do, do, do ♫ -It´s the orange.

It´s working!

They´re here.

I should tell you, you might notice a difference in Mum.

Oh. How do you mean?

Oh, she´s loosened up a bit.

-We´re here. -Oh!

We´ve got a reception committee, Joan.

-Afternoon, all. -This is Roy.

Roy, this is Carol, Joyce, Alan, and, uh...another one.

Hi, ladies.

-Hi! -Hi.

These must be your sisters, then?

-Oh! -[ Laughter ]

-You look fabulous, Joan. -10 years younger.

20 years younger.

So, nearly as young as Roy.

Roy´s found me a fantastic physio.

Plus, I give her a bit of Reiki massage myself.

Magic hands.

It´s like having your very own Paul Daniels.

Who hasn´t dreamed of that?

-TREVOR: Where´s the wheelchair? -JOHN: Gone.

It´s a miracle, yeah. She only uses it now when it suits her.

She got on the front row of a Michael Bublé concert

-with it last week. -Looking forward to the big day?

Oh, very much so, Alan, yes.

I´ve landed the woman of my dreams.

Oh, stop it. He´s always embarrassing me.

You must be very happy, Joan.

All right, you don´t have to shout.

Nice outfit. You been pollinated yet?

-[ Laughter ] -Oh, very good.

So, you two met online, eh?

That´s unusual, isn´t it?

That´s how everybody meets now.

I get lots of offers in the chat room.

It´s a bit of a cattle market out there.

Makes you glad we´ve already bought our cattle.

Uh, well, cows.

Uh, livestock. [ Chuckles ]

What I mean is, it makes you glad

that we´ve already purchased our products.

Are you finished?

I was considering a couple in the end --

this one here or Tony from Gambia.

Oh, sounded very nice.

"Great body, great bum, and great sense of humor."

I think I know him.

Too late to change your mind now.

Is it? I haven´t deleted my account in the chat room yet.

I can see she´s gonna keep me on my toes.

So, what do you do, Roy?

Are you retired or...

or not quite yet?

I´m semi-retired.

I was running a couple of businesses,

but they didn´t work out.

-Not all of them do. -ROY: I´ll keep trying, though.

Just like my marriages. I´ve had four before this one.

-JOAN: Fifth time lucky, eh? -[ Laughs ]

Right. Let´s get you settled in.

You´re getting married in the morning.

-Let´s do it. -MAUREEN: You and Roy

have got separate rooms.

Oh. Okay.

-That´s all right, isn´t it? -Fine with me.

We don´t want any hanky-panky.

-[ Laughter ] -No, we don´t.

-We have a laugh. -I can see that.

Yeah. See you later, everyone.

-Yeah, okay. -Bye!

We´ll catch you somewhere. Okay. Bye.

What the hell´s going on?!

He´s 20 years younger than her.

He must be after her money.

We must talk to John and Maureen about this.

We forgot something. Just popping out.

-See you later. -Yeah.

Roy´s taking me down to the cashpoint.

I´m getting some money out for him.

He´s a bit short at the moment. Coming.

Plenty of women have toy boys.

Not 70-year-old toy boys.

He´s nowhere near 70.

-How old is he, then? -69.

He´s either after her money, or he´s a bit, you know.

-Constipated? -Mad.

What are you talking about?

Going for older women. He might have a mother fixation.

A lot of men do it.

Lots of men have mother fixations?

Have you ever heard of "cougars"?

You ever heard of "Psycho"?

Love is blind, Alan.

Why do you think Joyce ended up with you?

All we´re saying is that maybe you and Maureen

should look into this a bit more carefully.

I´ve waited 20 years for someone to take Joan off my hands.

Don´t cock it up for me now.

-Roy! You having a drink? -Oh, no, thanks.

Come on. It´s the night before your wedding.

No, I´m not much of a drinker.

I avoid it if I can.

Sensible advice. Yes.

What a down-to-earth, sensible bloke.

We´re thinking of having a round of golf as part of the stag.

Actually, I´d be happier staying here in the hotel.

I´ve got a pacemaker, you see.

It´s fine. I just...

Easier to keep the exercise to a minimum.

They´ve got golf buggies. You don´t even have to sit up.

We can lie you down in the back with the clubs.

So, what do you want to do, Roy?

I was hoping to sample the spa.

It´s amazing, isn´t it? Finding love at her age.

Well, romance isn´t age-specific is it?

Oh, that´s true.

We inherited my granddad´s tortoise,

and that was mating well into its 90s.

There´s hope for Mum, then.

We´ll just have to feed her plenty of lettuce.

Are you not worried

that she might be rushing into this a bit?

Well, she can´t think about it too long.

He´s a bit younger than her, though, isn´t he?

Well, she would be hard pushed

to find anyone that wasn´t, Joyce.

It´s just that some people...

-Not Roy. -Oh, not Roy.

No. But some people exploit older people in a relationship.

You think he´s using her for sex?

Not sex, no.

Can´t you just get past the age gap?

We just think you should find out more about him.

-That´s all. -They met online.

Lots of people meet online.

He´s been married four times.

That doesn´t mean anything.

We think he´s marrying her for the money.

You said you didn´t think he´d do that.

-I was lying. -[ Sighs ]

We´re basically paying for someone to beat us up.

-You´ll enjoy it. -I´m not leaving a tip.

I think it´s a very good idea, Roy.

-Very relaxing, isn´t it? -You´re very smooth.

What happened to your hair?

Carol wants me to be more Continental,

so she gets me waxed regularly.

He´s full of surprises, isn´t he?

Some women prefer it.

I can understand that, yeah. Maureen´s the same with her car.

I see they´ve found more oil under Gatwick.

Yes, and that´s not the last of it either.

-No? -No.

Fossil fuels aren´t done yet, by any means.

There´s a lot of potential down there still.

Did you know that man has only been able

to bore down 2 kilometers below the Earth´s surface?

Some men can bore further than that.

-I´m not doing this. -You´ve got to do it, Maureen.

You don´t want Joan being taken advantage of.

-It´s illegal. -He´s taking her money.

That´s illegal.

We´re just trying to find out a bit more about him, Maureen.

There´s nothing wrong with that.

But we can´t get in. We need his key.

Why didn´t you let her and Roy share a room?

We could have used her key.

They´re not married yet. It´s not normal.

That´s the bit that isn´t normal!

Excuse me. Sorry.

But I´ve forgotten my key.

Could you let us in?

Is it your room?

-Sort of. -We´re family.

JOYCE: Almost family.

We will be tomorrow.

-She will be. -My mum´s fiancé.

They´re getting married tomorrow.

He needs his lucky teeth.

Oh, thank you!

You can come back and do the room later.

What if he comes back?

-I could stand guard. -Well done, Carol.

What should I do if I see him coming?

-You make a noise. -Okay.

Is that all right?

Just wanted to be clear about it.

-Yeah. -I´m perfectly capable

-of thinking for myself. -Of course you are.

CAROL: Okay, then.

Okay, let´s go.

What kind of noise?

I´ll just cough.

Or sing.

No, I´ll cough.

No, sing. Singing´s better.

This place reminds me of a hotel I once stayed in in Morocco

when I was working on the oil rigs.

I thought you were in business.

Oh, this was before the business ventures.

-And after the Army. -You were in the Army?

Mm. I was discharged early.

Was that on a medical?

There was an incident involving a local woman.

It got blown out of all proportion.

As these things do, yes, but -- Oh.

How come you got a female masseur?

She could have gone to any one of us, John.

It was totally random.

Oh, you don´t think it could have been

something to do with your color scheme, then?

It´s a load of mumbo jumbo, John.

The idea that I´m gonna change

from some normal, run-of-the-mill bloke

into some kind of cool guy just because I´m wearing orange socks

is utterly ridiculous.

[ Bottle clatters ]

-Thank you. -No worries.

♫ Do-do-do-do, do, do, do ♫

So, did you enjoy that?

Yeah, very good. How about you?

Everything beating normally?

Oh, it´s fine.

The crucial thing is making sure it stays at a steady rate.

It´s like the spa version of that movie "Speed."

You´re doing very well, Alan. Maureen would be proud of you.

I know it means a lot to her to see Joan happy.

A massage and a facial´s a small price to pay, isn´t it?

TREVOR: What next, Roy?

I´ve always wanted to try a back, crack, and sack.

-Okay. -Hang on. What is that?

Well, that´s when they strip all the hair --

It doesn´t matter. We´re doing it.

-We can´t do that. -I´ve already had it done.

-All over? -In for a penny...

And you think you know someone.

-Is it painful? -No.

What are we looking for?

Clues.

[ Sighs ] What are we -- the Famous Five?

I´ll just have a quick look on his computer.

No. Let´s just go.

We can´t get onto his laptop anyway.

He´s already logged on to Facebook.

Oh! Look!

He´s got loads of photos of them together.

Doesn´t mean anything, Maureen.

Fake marriage applicants take loads of photos

to fool immigration all the time.

Let´s check his e-mails.

Joyce, do not check his e-mails!

Maureen, Joan is getting on. She´s vulnerable.

It´s perfectly reasonable to think that someone like Roy

has an ulterior motive for being interested in her.

It´s a pension statement.

He´s loaded.

Blimey.

Is it too late for me to marry him?

[ Gasps ]

[ Footsteps approaching ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Breathes sharply ]

♫ La-la ♫

♫ La-la, la-la, la, la ♫

♫ La-la, la-la-la, la, la, la ♫

[ Loudly ] ♫ La-la, la-la-la, la, la, la ♫

Hello, there! Where you off to?

Just going to Roy´s room. He wants his phone.

♫ Oh, la-la, la-la-la, la, la, la ♫

[ Coughing ]

-You all right? -Yeah.

You -- You want to borrow my phone?

Oh, will it have lots of pictures of that orange man?

-Yeah. -No, thanks.

[ Coughing ]

Oh, and you better not be giving me that cough.

Oh!

What are you two doing?

Uh...looking through Roy´s stuff.

What for?

We don´t know anything about him, Mum.

And you are a bit older than he is, so...

And you think he´s after my money?

-Yeah. -But now we know

that you´re after his.

So that´s all right.

Didn´t you hear my noise?

I tell you what -- That´s given me a new level of respect

for Trevor´s pain threshold.

You sure you don´t want to sit down?

-No. No, no, no, no. -No, no, no.

I didn´t hate it as much as I thought I would.

-I did. -Yeah, so did I.

At the very least, she could have warmed up that spatula.

Oh, here are the girls.

Did you find anything?

-Joan told me. -MAUREEN: I am sorry.

We just didn´t know anything about you.

You could have been a serial killer.

Well, not a serial killer.

Oh, no. No, not a serial killer. Obviously.

But just a bit strange.

-Abnormal. -Odd.

We´ll stop now.

I´d have done exactly the same thing.

As you say, I could be anyone.

You´ve got to be sure, haven´t you?

I feel terrible.

Please don´t. No need.

Can I get you a drink?

-No, thanks. -Go on.

-No, really. -Go on, Roy. Just for us.

-Just one. -Okay, just for you.

-Large scotch. -I thought you didn´t drink.

Well, I wanted to make a good impression.

It´s a big day meeting the family.

No one thinks badly of you, Roy. Do they, Joyce?

-No. -There you go.

Cheers.

Ahh!

-What´s this? -Chorizo omelet.

Do I like it?

Feeling a bit delicate?

-At both ends. -It was worth it, though, Al.

We needed to smooth things over with Roy.

Can we not talk about smooth things?

You don´t want that.

Do you want me to get you a proper breakfast?

Don´t need anything.

-There´s plenty here. -But it´s mine.

Isn´t it about time Joan was down?

I mean, the ceremony starts at 11:00, doesn´t it?

Roy needs to get a move, as well.

-CAROL: Morning! -Morning!

Sorry we´re late.

Oh, your mum wants to have a word with you.

-She´s in the lounge. -I´ll go and talk to her.

You two go and wake Roy up.

I haven´t finished me breakfast.

Yes, you have.

JOHN: Come on, Trev.

I can´t get my corsage to stay on.

Something tells me you´re the kind of man who could.

♫ Do-do-do-do, do, do, do ♫

Love your tie.

♫ Do-do-do-do, do, do ♫

Roy? Roy?

You don´t think he´s done a runner?

He´ll be asleep.

ALAN: Roy!

Why isn´t he waking up?

We could just go in.

We´ve got no key.

-Where´d you get that? -I lost my key last night.

After the bars closed.

While we were still trying to find our rooms.

Just after you took Roy outside to throw up.

It´s a passkey. The girl on reception gave it to me.

The receptionist gave you a key that opens up all the rooms?

Yes. She insisted.

You must never use your powers for evil.

[ Lock disengages, cellphone beeps ]

Roy! Roy!

Roy.

Come on. You´re gonna be late.

-Roy? -Is he...

I don´t know.

He did have a bit to drink last night.

Yeah, but that wouldn´t have killed him.

-That might. -Aah!

Morning.

The girls are getting jumpy downstairs.

I´ve just had a text from Carol.

-I´ll tell them to wait. -[ Cellphone beeping ]

Roy is the best thing that could ever happen to her.

-Hi, Mum. -JOYCE: Hi!

-Hi. -How you feeling?

-Fine. -What´s on your mind, Joan?

Well, I´ve been thinking about Roy.

Oh! [ Chuckles ]

Steady on, this early in the morning.

-What you thinking? -I don´t want to marry him.

Oh, my God. He´s dead, he´s dead, he´s dead!

All right, love. Just calm down.

TREVOR: You´re going to be okay.

People get over all sorts of traumatic experiences.

But he´s dead, and I killed him!

I´m not saying it won´t take you a while.

-We better call the manager. -No, you can´t do that!

-Why not? -He´s my husband.

JOHN: [ Stammering ] Hang on.

-Let´s think about this. -What is there to think about?

Why don´t you just finish getting dressed, eh?

That´s it. There we go.

That´s it.

-[ Sighs ] -[ Knock on door ]

Roy? Are you in there?

-It´s Carol. -We can´t let her in.

-[ Knock on door ] -Why not?

Let´s just think about what we´re doing.

-What do you mean? -Last night,

we were pouring drinks down him.

I don´t want people thinking we killed him.

-We didn´t kill him. -Exactly.

-You killed him. -[ Breathes deeply ]

Roy! We´re all waiting downstairs, my love.

-Say something. -Like what?

-Anything. -Hi, love.

-CAROL: Trevor? -Yes?

[ Breathes deeply ] Is Roy in there?

-Yes. -CAROL: Oh.

It´s getting late.

Will he be much longer?

He might be a while.

What am I doing?

Just indulging meself -- That´s what it is.

No, it´s not.

Just because you´ve got a few years on the rest of us,

there´s no reason not to lead your life.

You´ve got to go for it Joan.

Everyone´s taken so much trouble over a stupid old thing like me.

Old people get married all the time.

So do stupid people.

And Claire´s on her way with the kids.

And Terry. And even Pete and Kath.

Doesn´t that make you want to go through with it?

Knowing all those people are gonna be there for you?

It would, if I liked any of them.

What about Roy? He´ll be so disappointed.

He´s still young. He´ll find somebody else.

Won´t you miss him?

We´ll keep in touch.

What about all his jokes?

Oh, they´re not that good.

What about his magic hands?

Oh, all right.

We´re all here, so we might as well go through with it.

Has she gone?

All clear.

What are we going to do about him?

Well, we´ve got to tell somebody.

We can´t just leave him here.

Where is he?

Well, maybe she moved him.

What, you think the maid tidied him up?

No, I didn´t.

-Aah! -Aaaaahhh!

[ Screams ]

Trevor, why don´t you take her down to your room

-and calm her down? -Come on.

Let´s go and get some hot sweet tea.

That´s what you need after a shock.

I don´t know what I was thinking.

I mean, I don´t usually do this sort of thing.

-That´s Colin! -Who´s Colin?

My husband!

Oh! The manager.

Don´t worry. I´ll sort it out.

-[ Alarm blaring ] -♫ Do-do-do-do, do, do, do ♫

Excuse me. I´m terribly sorry.

I´ve just hit that fire alarm by mistake.

Now, we don´t want a full fire drill, do we?

-Don´t worry, sir. -Thank you so much.

♫ Do-do-do-do, do, do, do ♫

Who are you?

Trevor.

-[ Elevator powers off ] -What´s happening?

-[ Alarm blaring in distance ] -Fire alarm.

Oh, my God.

-It´s all right, Mum. -JOAN: Oh, yeah.

We´re in the safest place for a fire.

That´s what they say, isn´t it?

When there´s a fire, head for the lift.

You´ll be safe in there.

What were you doing?

Playing dead.

How was that gonna work?

Got me out of three marriages.

Bit of gallows humor there.

No, I thought I´d get out the window when you left the room.

What are you -- Spider-Man?

Why did you do it?

I´ve got an addictive personality.

I´m addicted to sex and alcohol.

-You love Joan, though? -I do.

Well, that´s the main thing, isn´t it?

[ Sighs ]

Have you pressed all the buttons?

No, I left a few out.

It´s feeling a bit close.

That´s ´cause we´re stuck in a lift, Mum.

I´m feeling hot!

-It´s all right, Mum. -I´ve got to get out of here.

-Get me out! -She´s having a panic attack.

-Calm her down. -JOAN: I need some air.

Get me out of here! Get me ou--

What are you doing?

Well, she might calm down if she can´t see anything.

She´s not a budgie.

JOAN: [ Blows ]

Are we gonna tell Maureen?

We don´t need to bother her with this.

I mean, everybody has last-minute wobbles

before their wedding.

Hey, Paula, Terry. It´s in the function room.

We´ll be down in a jiffy.

Everyone´s expecting a wedding. Who are we to deny them?

I think we should tell her.

They´re getting married Alan, and that´s that.

But she´ll be married to a different person

to the one she fell in love with.

-Who isn´t? -Fair point.

No, thank you.

We´re going to make you a nice cup of tea,

and then when you´re feeling better, we can get you home.

-Hi, love. -Hi.

-Who´s that? -My wife, Carol.

[ Sighs ] All the best ones are taken.

I´ve just come back for my cardigan.

Yes.

It´s a bit chilly in that function room.

-Good idea. -Who´s this?

-Pat. -It´s Pat.

Pat.

Not a bad turnout.

MAUREEN: Where´s Roy?

-He´s just nipped to the loo. -Oh, Mum´s so happy.

She´s made up, isn´t she?

Who would have thought someone would be taking your mum

off our hands at her time of life?

[ Voice breaking ] I think I´m gonna cry.

Me too.

-You ready to go? -No.

-What? -What do you mean?

There´s something I need to tell you.

We were so close.

I...

He´s not the man you think he is.

Alan, we know more about Roy than you could possibly imagine,

and he is a sweet, decent man.

He´s an alcoholic sex addict.

-I knew it. -He´s just a bit eccentric.

It´s actually a medical condition.

All right, Roy. I´m dealing with it.

I don´t understand.

He spent the night with a member of the hotel staff.

[ Laughing ] He was drunk, to be fair.

What are you all doing out here --

having a mothers´ meeting?

Joan, there´s something I need to tell you.

What´s that?

I´m carrying some baggage.

Oh. Is it for your waterworks?

Not that kind of baggage.

Emotional baggage.

I´m an addict.

-Oh, I know that. -What?

You didn´t think I´d marry you

without checking up on you first, did you?

I spent last night with a strange woman.

You´re spending tonight with an even stranger one.

[ Pachelbel´s "Canon in ´D´ Major" plays ]

You still feeling it?

I´m on fire down there, Joyce.

It´ll get worse later.

Why?

Looks like we´re having curry for lunch.

-CAROL: How´s Pat doing? -Fine.

She just had a bit too much to drink.

CAROL: I´ve been thinking.

I´m not sure that color scheme does suit you.

-I mean, it´s up to you, but... -I won´t wear it anymore.

Whatever feels right for you.

You still need to be assertive.

Absolutely.

Maybe weekends.

-I don´t think so. -No, neither do I.

[ Mendelssohn´s "Wedding March" plays ]

Mum...

So, we both like a drink. What´s the big deal?

But you´re marrying a sex addict.

That´s a cross I´ll just have to bear.

But he spent last night with another woman.

I´ve got a free one in the bank, then, haven´t I?

You sure you don´t mind a Hindu ceremony?

I mean, I thought it made a nice change.

-Add a bit of pizzazz. -It´s very nice.

Bloody online forms. I ticked the wrong box.

JOHN: Well, that´s brilliant, isn´t it, eh?

-Finally sorted. -They´ll be fine.

We´ll help them out, won´t we?

-Yeah, of course we will. -I was hoping you´d say that.

I´ve booked us a romantic holiday as a reward.

-Ooh. Sexy time. -If you´re lucky.

-Where we going? -Mediterranean cruise.

Ooh la la!

With Mum and Roy.

♫ Jai ho ♫

[ Up-tempo dance music plays ]

♫ Jai ho ♫

♫ I got shivers when you touch that way ♫

♫ I´ll make you hot, get all you got ♫

♫ I´ll make you want to say ♫

♫ Jai ho ♫

-♫ Jai ho ♫ -♫ Baila, baila ♫

♫ Baila, baila ♫

-♫ Jai ho ♫ -♫ Baila, baila ♫

♫ Jai ho ♫