Original subtitles

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

-ALAN: What do we do with these? -JOYCE: What?

Yogurt pots. Is it cardboard or plastic?

JOYCE: Hang on a minute, Lee.

There´s separate bins for everything, Alan.

Yeah, well, I know that.

I just don´t know which one it goes in.

It´s got a bit of both in it.

JOYCE: Well, it´s not rocket science.

Just pick a bin, any bin, and get rid of it.

Not that one.

Oh, it´s your dad. He´s faffing about again.

Getting ready for a funeral.

You remember Jean?

Darren´s mum.

Yeah, little Darren,

used to play with on your little scooters.

Yeah, that´s right, little Darren.

Well, his mum´s dead.

So you just let us know as soon as Suze´s waters break,

and we´ll drive straight down.

They don´t want us there.

Well, we´re coming, and that´s that.

We are.

I know you don´t want to put us out,

but it´s our first grandchild, Lee.

Well, we´re coming, and that´s that.

We are. We are.

She´s there, isn´t she?

Yeah, I know she´s there, Lee.

Anyway, you just let us know.

-Yeah, love to everyone. -[ Beep ]

She was there. I could feel it.

We´ll just drive straight down soon as her waters break.

Well, this is nice, isn´t it? We never do anything together.

We´re going to a funeral.

Better than nothing, Alan.

What time is Mick getting here?

Oh, he´s due in about half an hour.

Be great to see him again. Must be seven or eight years.

Pbht!

Yeah, we all know you never liked him.

I saw what he put Jean through. She got well shot of him.

Don´t know why you´re bringing him.

Well, he´s my oldest friend. You´ve seen off all the rest.

And it is his ex-wife´s funeral. I can´t stop him going.

He´s going to spoil it for everyone.

Well, you know, bring everyone down.

At a funeral.

MAUREEN: Be good to see Mick again after all these years.

JOHN: Yeah.

He was always good value, wasn´t he?

That´s what you want at funerals,

someone to give everyone a bit of a lift.

Jolly people along.

Otherwise, things can get a bit flat.

He´ll jolly the women along, that´s for sure.

Huh?

He tries a little bit harder with the ladies,

I seem to remember.

He certainly tried hard enough with you.

You´re not still thinking of that holiday in Weymouth?

He was after you, Maureen, and it wasn´t just in Weymouth.

Don´t be silly. He was just messing about.

It wasn´t messing about. He was all over you like a rash.

Please, don´t give him a hard time, John.

It´s a funeral. Let´s just try and enjoy it.

Hmm?

[ Vehicle door opens ]

John, he is nearly 70 years old.

What´s he going to do, dribble on me?

I´m nearly 70 years old.

CAROL: I can´t believe she´s gone.

She was fine last time I saw her.

Well, I was talking to her on Skype ages back,

and she definitely looked very pale.

Mind you, that might have been our broadband reception.

It´s always worse in the kitchen.

I´m supposed to be doing a tribute,

and I don´t really know what to say for it.

It´s a bit awkward, really. I didn´t know her that well.

Only saw her once a week at power walking.

Well, what´d they ask you for, then?

[ Sighs ] Graham´s only been seeing her for six months.

I don´t think he really knows who her close friends are.

New relationships, always difficult.

You take on their friends, their family,

but at our age, you´ve got to weigh up the chances

of being lumbered with their funeral and all.

What you going to say?

Oh, not too much.

Don´t want to bore everybody.

Most of my memories of Jean are mainly power walking-based.

TREVOR: Sad day.

Oh, yeah, very sad.

We´re going to too many of these.

I´m not looking forward to it.

Well, not with Mick coming over.

Yeah, this one´s hit us particularly hard.

We were very close to Jill.

-Jean. -Jean.

Jean.

No, it´s all right.

I´ll get it right at the service.

I´m using special memory techniques.

You think of going on a journey,

then everything you need to remember

is a landmark or an object on that journey.

So, for instance, in this case, say I´m going to the shops

and on the way I see Jill

getting out of a blue Nissan Micra --

-Jean. -No, hang on.

Dave Pocock has got a blue Nissan.

Now I´m thinking of his wife. What´s her name?

I never really got on with Mick, you know.

There´s a type of person, Trevor,

who can´t help getting a bit too full of themselves.

Ah, well, I´ve always tried to keep an even keel myself.

Exactly, and you´ve done very well.

Your head´s not been turned, has it?

No.

Ah, but Mick, to my mind, is that kind of person.

Flash, expat bugger.

They come swanning over here as if they´re God´s gift.

You watch. See how long it is before he mentions how hot it is

in Spain or wherever he lives now.

I could have gone to Spain,

deserted my country in its hour of need,

but I chose to stay here

and make sure my tax goes to making this country better.

Anybody who doesn´t back their own country

is a scumbag as far as I´m concerned.

-Gloria. -What?

Dave Pocock´s wife. Gloria.

Ha! That was going to drive me mad.

[ Horn honks ]

Christ, slow down, Alan.

I thought you wanted to hurry up.

I want to live is what I want to do.

[ Scoffs ] And what have I told you

about not tucking your shirt in so tight?

Shows all your belly.

Growing every day, that thing.

It´s like something out of "The Quatermass Experiment."

It´s the style, Joyce.

Since when have you been bothered about style?

This is what happens when you buy your own shirts.

I´ve told you before about staying with me in Marks,

haven´t I?

You´ll like Mick. He´s a real character.

Never been very lucky in love, though.

Disastrous marriage, he had.

How are things with Trevor?

Well, we´re living separately in the house,

trying to rediscover each other.

Separate bedrooms?

It establishes the boundaries

of stage one of the rebuilding process.

We do the same thing when John´s had a curry.

Do you not worry, though, that without the physical contact,

Trevor might, you know, look elsewhere?

-Not really. -No.

Can nobody call me on this phone?

I need the line free for Lee in case Suze goes into labor.

Will you drive down straightaway?

I´d ride down there on a unicycle, Carol.

It´s my first grandchild.

I was beginning to think Lee and Suze

weren´t going to have any kids.

I wonder what took them so long.

You´ve seen Suze.

I just don´t think he was trying hard enough.

ALAN: They don´t need us down there.

Alan, they need all the help they can get.

Not that they´ll appreciate it.

I don´t know why I bother trying to do things for people.

Neither do I. Why don´t you try not doing them?

CAROL: Oh, you´ll be all right.

They spend days in labor now, don´t they?

Mostly swimming around in the birthing pool.

We never had no messing.

Our Mark shot out like a Ping-Pong ball, John said.

Though how he´d know what a Ping-Pong ball looks like

shooting out of there, I don´t know.

Oh, hi.

Are you sure he´s on this train?

Yeah, I checked.

It´s going to make us late, Alan.

He´s never minded making other people dance to his tune.

He´s probably latched onto some poor old girl

straight off the plane.

He´ll be sat in the back of a taxi with her now,

showing her a picture of his hacienda.

Oh, give him a chance, John.

You can always rely on Mick to let you down.

If he said he´s coming, he´ll be here.

What did I tell you?

[ Laughs ]

You silly old sod! [ Laughs ]

10 seconds before he mentions the weather in Spain.

Could at least have arranged some decent weather for me.

I was five seconds out.

Maureen, how are you?

You haven´t changed.

Joyce.

And you must be Carol.

All right, sweetheart? Alan´s told me all about you.

Yes, well, now we´ve all said hello, shall we make a move?

Johnny boy! How are you, big man?

[ Laughs ]

Well, come on, give us a smile, at least.

Jesus, you lot could do with some cheering up.

We´re going to a funeral.

Oh, no, you´re absolutely right, John.

Absolutely right. Poor Jean.

It was such a shock to me.

Hit me like a sledgehammer right here.

When you´ve been married to someone for 20 years, you know,

the loss is like...

How can I describe it? It´s like -- It´s like --

It´s almost a physical sensation.

Do you know what I mean?

Elena was devastated when she heard.

Who´s Elena?

My wife.

We met through this online dating agency

that specializes in pairing up U.K. men

with Eastern European women.

You´d probably think that sounds a bit seedy.

Yes.

But it´s actually a fantastic way to meet people.

-And is it... -Wonderful?

-...legal? -Oh. No.

It´s all completely aboveboard.

She´s got her visa and everything.

It´s amazing the connection we made

in such a short space of time, you know.

[ Eastern European accent ] Hi. It´s so nice to meet you all.

I´ve heard a lot about you.

Isn´t she beautiful?

Right, lead on.

MAUREEN: Come on, then.

You never tell me I look nice.

You look nice.

It´s got to be spontaneous, Alan.

Ooh, you look nice.

Put your bags in here.

Oh, let´s move this stuff out the way.

It´s my mum´s.

We´ll get rid of all her junk when she moves into a care home.

In my country, we don´t have old people´s homes so much.

If you are very old, like a grandmother,

you live with your family.

They look after you. You´re part of everything.

And you think that´s better?

No, I think it´s much worse.

She seems very nice.

Oh. What a gentleman.

We got time for a coffee?

We´ve got to get flowers, Alan. I´m not going empty-handed.

Well, maybe you could get them

while me and Mick have a quick catch-up.

Joyce, this is Thurnemouth, not Las Vegas.

We´re not going to wake up in a hotel room on Monday

covered in cocaine and lap dancers, are we?

Look, you´ve kept up with all your old friends.

I never see mine.

Just don´t embarrass me, Alan.

So, which boozer we going to?

Uh, I thought we might get a coffee.

Coffee?

Yeah, there´s a café at the front.

You know, they do nice, um, you know, custard cakes.

Or we might go to the pub.

What a good idea, Alan.

Is that going to be okay with your missus?

Well, it better be, ´cause that´s what we´re doing.

John, what do you think? Tres cervezas?

You driving, Carol?

Don´t sound so surprised.

Don´t think I´ve ever seen you drive.

Well, normally Trevor does all the driving,

but I´m trying to be a bit more independent.

The counselor says it helps to stop

any feelings of resentment I might have towards Trevor

for controlling aspects of my personal freedom.

MAUREEN: You go, girl.

Just shows you what you can do

when you put your mind to it, eh?

We just need to stop off at the florist.

-There´s one -- -[ Gears grinding ]

There´s one at the end of the high street.

Hasn´t Elena got a lovely smile?

Such wonderful, clear skin.

What do they talk about, do you think?

I shouldn´t think they do much talking.

I knew we shouldn´t have come with him.

Now we´re the ones arriving with the Russian tart.

Oh, you´re wrong about her, Joy.

Yeah.

She´s Lithuanian.

[ Creedence Clearwater Revival´s "Fortunate Son" plays ]

[ Gear grinding ]

♫ Some folks are born made to wave the flag ♫

♫ Ooh, they´re red, white, and blue ♫

♫ And when the band plays "Hail to the Chief" ♫

♫ Ooh, they point the cannon at you, Lord ♫

♫ It ain´t me ♫

♫ It ain´t me ♫

♫ I ain´t no senator´s son, son ♫

♫ It ain´t me ♫

Oh. All the fun people from back home are either dead or crocked.

I mean, remember Dave Phillips?

Used to do a brilliant Tom Jones.

I remember Dave.

Diabetes. Lost eight of his toes.

Jesus. Poor sod.

Certainly put a crimp in his Delilah.

No, it -- it is nice here.

It´s really nice, but I couldn´t live somewhere like this.

Oh, yeah? Why´s that, then?

Well, John, in Spain, we´d call it aburrido,

which means, like, nothing to do.

You lot must be bored out of your minds in the winter.

You should all come over and stay with us next year.

The place is way big enough.

Well, there´s always plenty to do here, actually.

Well, it´s nice, but it´s not exactly party town, is it?

I didn´t know it was party town you were looking for, Alan.

-So you´re from Lithuania? -Yes.

That´s one of the Baltic states, isn´t it?

Correct.

I think your chief exports are textiles and wood pulp.

CAROL: Is that what men want, do you think?

Young, Eastern European women?

I can´t see John meeting a foreign girl online.

I wish Alan would.

She could come over and do my bloody ironing for me.

Oh, there´s one there. Look.

-I won´t get in there. -You will.

It won´t fit in there, Joyce, I promise you.

I´ve always been a very good judge of length.

It´s all right, Carol. Drive ´round again.

You should all be abroad, enjoying yourselves more.

I mean, look at this lot. They all look bloody miserable.

We deserve better than that, don´t we?

What´s wrong with this?

No, I´m just saying,

we´re part of a golden generation, aren´t we?

Baby boomers, although I don´t like the phrase.

In Spain we say niños de la posguerra,

and that -- that, you know --

that captures it so much better for me.

But look what we did in the ´60s.

We had the first heart transplant.

We landed on the moon.

What do you mean, "we"?

I mean we. We changed the world for the better.

-Did we? -Even Joyce?

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, that´s nice, Alan,

when she´s not here to defend herself.

Oh, John, John, John.

There must be something we agree on.

Who was your first crush?

Diana Dors.

No, Brigitte Bardot.

My first crush was Carol.

Keep it light, Trevor.

Ooh, look at that.

Leeds, 1968.

I look like a pipe cleaner wearing someone´s demob suit.

No belly showing there, eh?

Is this Weymouth?

You remember Weymouth?

-Great holiday. -ALAN: Great holiday.

That´s me and Maureen.

Me and Maureen again.

Oh, and again.

Well, of course, Lithuania was the last country in Europe

to be converted to Christianity, in 1387, I believe.

Amazing.

Oh, well, I have a friend who travels there quite a lot.

Michael Freeman? You don´t know him?

No.

Michael used to work with me at Midland back in the day.

He was also the first person to run the Asplin 5,

the first bit of accounting software to be covered

by the U.K. Financial Services I.T. legislation in 1976.

Stop me if I´m boring.

No, it´s very fascinating.

I don´t know how you keep so much in your head.

Ah, well...

We´ll have to park it somewhere, Carol.

I´ve got no signal till we get back up the hill.

-Is that a space there? -Where?

-There. -I can´t see.

JOYCE: Oh, it´s gone.

You´ve got to dive in, Carol.

I´m not much of a diver-inner.

-What about there? -I won´t fit in there, Joyce.

-You will. -She won´t get in there.

I´ll have to go ´round again.

She might be having the baby now.

Carol, my love, you´ve got to park it somewhere.

Otherwise, we won´t be able to get out, will we?

I think she´s doing very well.

Trevor moved out of the bedroom on Tuesday.

-Oh. -Yeah.

That must be difficult for you.

Not really.

I didn´t notice till Thursday.

Just go ´round again, love.

JOHN: And we´ve got the best police force

and the best health service.

Ha!

I´ve been to doctors in Spain. They´re bloody useless.

They can´t understand you, and no matter what you go in with,

they end up giving you an injection up your ass.

They don´t do that.

Flu, shingles, chest pain, straight up the backside.

By the time the Spanish people get to our age,

they´ve got bums like dart boards.

-Ignore him. -Ruth and Pete.

-What? -Ruth and Pete.

Moved out there last year with his gammy leg.

They have to take a translator

every time they go to the doctor´s.

He´s been on prescription for six months,

and they only found out a month ago

it was for erectile dysfunction.

Erectile dysfunction.

Oh. Translator messed up there, didn´t he, eh?

Oh, Ruth´s got a smile on her face,

but Pete´s leg is still flopping ´round like a rubber hose.

I´m getting another round in.

Another one?

Oh, I´ve only got euros. Cover me, Trevor.

My friends said, "What are you doing with an old man?"

But I said to them,

"We talk, and he makes me laugh, same as your husband."

And my mother said, "How can you have an old man

lying on top of you with his old man´s skin

pressing against your young woman´s skin?"

I said to my mother, "If I want to marry an older man

from another country, I will do it".

You´re so easy to talk to.

Y-- Where are you?

We had to go ´round again.

We had somebody up our backside.

I can see her.

Tell her to get ready. I can´t stop long.

MAUREEN: She´s ready. Nip in there.

-CAROL: No. -What?

CAROL: There´s somebody behind me.

-Can you stop? -CAROL: Sorry, love.

Carol, can you stop?

Carol!

[ Sighs ]

CAROL: Catch her next time, eh?

This guy -- This guy, back in the day,

any bar in town, he was first in, last out.

He was a monster.

Alan, were you or were you not a monster?

I was a monster.

-Are we not walking, yeah? -We´ve got a car.

-How far is it? -Oh, it´s just down the road.

We´ve got a car.

Midweek at the crematorium?

You´ll never find a parking place up there.

-See, they´re queuing up, mate. -It´s the same everywhere.

People die in Spain, as well, you know.

This could be your last chance to do this journey on foot.

That´s it. We´re walking.

ELENA: All I´ve been doing is complaining.

Not at all.

But sometimes it´s good to talk about problems to a stranger.

Some people in this country have difficulty

to talk about personal things.

Absolutely. A lot of the English are terribly repressed.

-It´s very unhealthy. -I know.

We don´t have the same problem in Europe.

No?

We talk more freely about sex, for example.

-So do I. -It´s normal to discuss this.

Exactly. Like talking about the weather.

We talk about when we do it, how we do it, where we do it.

Where do you and your wife like to make love?

Well, it varies occasionally but mainly in Thurnemouth.

Oh, I hate funerals.

They always make me feel fat.

[ Beep ]

What are you doing?

It´s this way.

I´m trying to get a signal.

Now, what time´s the service again?

4:15.

JOYCE: Is this the right one?

I don´t know. Don´t see anybody I recognize.

I don´t know anybody.

The only one I´d know is Jean,

and then only if she´s wearing her trackie and headband,

and I don´t suppose she´ll have them on today.

What time is it now?

-4:00. -Oh, where´s Alan?

Oh, we´ve still got time.

Jean won´t be arriving for another 10 minutes.

-Who´s this, then? -Can´t be Jean.

You don´t have the coffin arriving first.

Well, she was always first one home on our power walks.

MICK: We´ve got more oranges

than we know what to do with, Alan.

You´ve got to come over in the winter.

They start ripening in about November.

That is absolutely the best time to be eating them.

Sounds amazing.

-Does it? -What´s that, John?

I mean, does it sound amazing, really?

I mean, it´s oranges, mate. We´ve got loads of them in Lidl.

[ Both laugh ]

But not like these, John. I mean, these are huge.

The juice from one orange would fill a glass carafe.

I mean, they´re like this.

Bigger than the ones we get over here.

Those are the ones we get over here.

We import them.

Yeah, but over there, you can pick them off the tree.

With my back? I´m not picking them off a tree.

We just go in, then, do we, or are we waiting?

I don´t know, Carol.

I still haven´t seen anybody I know.

CAROL: They could all be from Graham´s side.

Where the bloody hell is Alan?

I knew I shouldn´t have let him off his lead.

Doesn´t know which one it is.

How could he not know?

He said they go through every 15 minutes,

so they´ve got a rough schedule,

but they´ve had a couple of humanist ceremonies today,

and that always throws the timings out.

What´s the difference?

Well, humanist ones go on forever, don´t they?

I mean, every two minutes somebody jumps up

and reads a poem or gets a bloody guitar out.

That´s not a funeral. That´s "Britain´s Got Talent."

Is that Jean, do you think?

I don´t know, Carol. It´s hard to tell from here.

ELENA: In Lithuania, before a funeral,

the dead person lies in their home for a day

so everyone can come and see the body.

-You don´t have that here? -Oh, no.

I certainly wouldn´t want to lie in state at our house.

There´s not a lot of space in the living room, for one thing.

I suppose they could put me where the coffee table is.

Ah, no, then you wouldn´t be able to see the telly.

[ Laughs ] You´re very funny.

-Am I? -Yes.

You´re always making jokes.

Well, I suppose I am, really.

At work I was always thought of as the office clown.

If I was to pick an older man,

I should have picked someone like you.

Kind.

I think you did all right.

No. Mick´s not a kind man.

That´s one of the reasons I´m leaving him.

That, and he´s lost all our money.

I can´t get through to Trevor.

We´ll have to go in without them.

Well, we still haven´t seen anybody we know, Maureen.

Well, they might have gone in before we got here.

Go and check if it´s her.

I´m not taking the bloody lid off.

You don´t have to take the lid off.

There´s probably a nameplate.

I haven´t got my reading glasses.

Oh, for God´s sake.

Bye.

Goodbye.

[ Both laughing ]

-You all right? -I´m fine, Trev, yeah.

Just staying out of the way of the man from Del Monte

in case he mentions his pool heating system again.

Well, he hasn´t got one.

What do you mean?

He hasn´t got a pool or a villa. He´s broke.

I´ve been talking to Elena.

He´s blown all his money on a dodgy property deal in Málaga.

They´re living in a rented flat

by the runway at Alicante Airport.

She´s leaving him, John.

Yes!

CAROL: "We all have our own memories of Jean

which we treasure.

She was a special person with so many wonderful qualities."

Lovely.

"I´ll always remember the time she did the Cherry Hill circuit

in 38 minutes flat."

-Yeah, you see? -What?

That´s -- That´s walking again, isn´t it?

Yeah.

It´s all been about walking, Carol,

and I´m not sure many people are going to relate to that.

Although we are celebrating Jean´s life, aren´t we?

And power walking was part of that life.

People like finding something new out at funerals.

Keeps it fresh.

-[ Up-tempo music plays ] -Here we go.

They´re playing her last song.

Oh, there´s some of Jean´s.

See, all here on time. Told you I wouldn´t show you up.

This is so Jean, isn´t it? It´s perfect.

-It´s the next one. -What?

This is a different service.

What do you mean?

Stop dancing.

You been in the pub?

No.

He´s a card, isn´t he? Scrapes he´s been in.

I tell you what, mate, it makes you wonder

how he´s managed to be as successful as he has.

It´s funny you should say that, because --

Sometimes when it´s pissing it down with rain

or Joyce is into her second hour in Matalan

without buying anything,

I think about Mick, sitting by his pool

as the sun goes down over the mountains,

and I think, "One day, mate, one day I´m coming to join you."

He´s got it all sorted, hasn´t he?

Yeah, he´s got it sorted.

Sorry.

WOMAN: Welcome to this celebration of Jean´s life.

The first contributor today is Jean´s great friend Carol.

I´m very honored --

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Lee?

All right, all right. Yeah, we´ll see you soon.

-[ Beep ] -Baby´s coming.

Baby´s coming. First granddaughter.

What are you doing?

We´re driving down there.

The car is at the pub.

What pub?

I´ve only had a couple of pints.

Oh, my God, we´re going to miss it.

Well, it takes one hour per unit to wear off, so --

Alan, this is not the 1970s.

You can´t drive down to Cornwall drunk.

ALAN: You look nice.

I´ll always remember the time she did the Cherry Hill circuit

in 38 minutes flat.

-It´s amazing... -You all right, Mick?

I´ve made a bit of a mess of things.

You showed up. That´s the main thing.

Gracias.

♫ I´ve cried through many endless nights ♫

♫ Just holding my pillow tight ♫

♫ Then you came into my lonely days ♫

♫ With your tender love and sweet ways ♫

♫ Now, I don´t know where you come from, baby ♫

♫ Don´t know where you been, my baby ♫

♫ Heaven must have sent you ♫

♫ Into my arms ♫

♫ Now in the morning when I awake ♫

♫ There´s a smile... ♫