Original subtitles

Okay, I have to pee very bad.

I've had to pee since this morning.

Some of the greatest men of our time have done their best work while eating fish

sandwiches.

Like who?

Napoleon.

Napoleon.

Croissant sandwich.

That's how he eats.

Exactly.

You know, when he had his hand inside the thing, he was grabbing for a fish

sandwich.

Where are you going?

Ice cream.

Ice cream.

Can you get me an ice cream, dad?

Can I get one, too?

Give us some money, then.

Can you get me an ice cream, please?

I'm gonna get blueberry.

Yes, I can get you an ice cream.

Can you get me an ice cream?

Can you get me an ice cream?

Can you get me an ice cream, mom?

Yeah, sure.

Don't get him one, don't get me one.

Where is my bacon apocalypse?

What?

This is not a bacon apocalypse.

This is a cheeseburger.

What's the difference?

Six strips of bacon.

Whatever it is.

Is the market born?

I'm going to use their facilities.

I am.

All right, I'm gonna come with you.

I'm taking this back.

I'm making an apocalypse.

All right.

Yes.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, are you okay?

Ah!

There's this one day in class they showed us a tape of a guy who had it.

And he was a total middle-class guy.

I mean, wife, kids, a family, totally normal guy.

Doctor showed him his own wedding photo.

He said, who's that?

Guy said, that's my wife.

Doctor shows him another photo, a recent photo.

Same girl, his wife again.

He said, who's that?

Guy said, that's the thing that murdered her.

So then the guy grabs his arm, the doctor's arm right in the interview,

and he says, I hope in your lifetime you never know the truth.

The doctor says, what truth?

The guy says, the truth is there are monsters out there.

And they are coming to get us.

Literally, whenever he dropped his pants, it was like a fucking beer can.

Like literally, he had a penis like a beer can.

No, like literally, it was like fucking, yeah.

It was like a pie plate, but it was ridiculous.

I say we all just pull it out and just end his argument right now.

I use my penis to direct traffic in times of emergency, okay?

Do you really all want to be embarrassed right now?

We can talk like this all day long, but seriously, especially you.

I've seen your penis since last year.

It's really, really long.

Thank you.

But it's really thin, it's like a licorice whip.

It's like a what?

A licorice whip.

Fuck you, man.

What do you call that little mushroom that you've got down there?

Oh no, man, my penis is awesome.

Everyone who's seen it thinks it's awesome.

Actually, no.

Oh jeez, would you look at this.

What do you call this then?

Behind the scenes.

Behind the scenes.

One, two, three.

Three cameras.

Come on, man, it's a multi-camera documentary.

Multi-camera documentary.

This is just the road trip.

You haven't even started shooting yet.

Why are we shooting the road trip?

All the best stuff happens on the road trip.

So basically your philosophy is volume, volume, volume.

Yeah, absolutely.

The student's only as good as his teacher.

Absolutely.

I couldn't agree more.

So who's first?

The teacher.

Yeah, the teacher, then the dentist this afternoon, and the bank in the morning.

And you got the link I sent you?

You didn't check your email this morning.

We were getting ready for class in two minutes, so come in.

Well, I found it kind of confusing getting into universities.

At heart, people were just really friendly.

The instructors were great.

They were there for me to make the right choices, to help me find the right

program.

That's why I ended up coming here.

So you're talking about the track.

Exactly.

You can shoot a million miles of b-roll, but the composition in the interviews is

what's going to sell us.

No, fuck composition.

We're just going to show up and let the magic happen.

Oh, yeah, that'll work.

Look at this.

Black leaves from a black sun that never sets.

You have a diary?

You know who has a diary?

Shut up, man.

I did not say anything.

Your eyes, you did.

Wow, that was strange.

Where have you been all summer?

Busy with school and work?

Yeah, everything's okay?

Good.

Good, good.

Hi, guys.

I just got stuck in the car.

I didn't hang it up.

Where did you put it?

Tori, I'm speaking to you.

It's not wet.

Of course it's wet.

It's on the fifth.

No, not that.

No, this exit here.

Where are they?

Because if you take that exit, then you have to go all the way to the

left.

So where are you guys staying tonight?

Ah, a motel.

We're staying in their van.

No, motel.

They give us enough money for a room.

For a room?

You guys should all come with us.

Well, come on.

There's only four in the bed now.

We can make room.

Come on, Claire.

What do you say?

No, I don't think so.

I think those days are done, Tori.

Ready, ready, ready, ready.

Sorry.

Yeah, totally fine.

Have my relief.

You were supposed to call me from the school.

Yeah, nice try.

Hi.

Believe me, I noticed.

All right, let's move.

All right, so we got to roll?

Love you guys.

Honey, make sure that your wallet is actually in your bank account.

Wait, wait.

Thanks, Judy.

Beautiful.

Yeah, it's called love, Terry.

Have a hair fit?

Oh, maybe.

Got your cell phone?

Yeah, I got it.

Love you guys.

Are you two leaving?

They've kind of grown over.

Like an old lady.

Or Armageddon.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

You love Armageddon.

You're a closet Armageddon fan.

Don't deny your love for Armageddon.

It's true.

OK, fine.

There you go.

What doesn't it have?

It's got cowboys.

It's got spaceships.

It's got the big guy from The Green Mile.

You want to know why I like that movie?

Four words.

OK, there's slow, motion, bend, affleck.

All right, what else do I need to say?

Do you know what I saw?

You like it too.

Do you see Diving Bell and the Butterfly?

It's so beautiful.

Push.

Easy, sweetie.

It's true.

Men are talking.

We're reviewing movies.

And I know that that's just a little bit above your speed.

But I promise you we will talk about recipes in a minute.

Oh my god.

Girls talk about way smarter shit than you guys.

I'll tell you that.

Cupcake.

No, you don't.

Everyone knows that we're smarter.

It's science.

Study after study and basic cognitive problem solving.

Females go higher than males.

Psych 320.

Science this year.

Science.

Just the military.

Girls are way smarter.

OK, intelligence works like this, OK?

This is where you got dolphins.

Then monkeys.

Then women.

Now, if we take it up here, this is where we get smart dolphins, right?

The really, like the clever, I'm talking like theme park dolphins.

Thank you.

But up here, the very top, man, the penis bearing.

I'm going to go off the road here.

All right, this year, IQ test.

Bring it on.

Say thost.

Three times thost.

What's the word?

Tha, tha, thost.

Three times thost.

Thost, thost, thost.

Now, quick, what do you put in a toaster?

Come on, give me a break.

What do you put in a toaster?

Toast.

Bread.

My ten-year-old sister, a girl, told me that one.

This is war, Parker.

Oh, bring it on this year.

Okay, told both of us 75 cents.

Told both of us 75 cents.

My wallet's there.

Just get a receipt.

There should be a five in it.

Hello?

Hello?

There's nobody there.

Maybe he's taking a number, too.

No, there's nobody.

They're all empty.

Maybe they're all taken, too.

There.

What's he doing?

What is he doing?

We're gonna save 75 cents.

Just go.

What's he doing?

I gotta bounce.

You wanna bounce?

You know, what do told-both employees do when they have to go?

Told both guys have suits.

They just go right in their suits like an astronaut.

There's the exit.

Get in that lane.

Where?

All the way back.

Yeah, that's fine.

You already had to set up with the registrar's office.

Our registrar's office contacted your principal.

Okay, you spoke with Mr. Burroughs?

They did, yeah.

And you're looking for whom?

Stephanie Yu.

Ten-thirty was our appointment time.

She should know.

You can check with her.

Yeah, hi.

I have a film crew here from...

Where did you say?

Horton University.

Horton University.

They said they cleared this.

They're here to see Stephanie.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Will do.

Thanks.

Okay.

I need you to sign this release form.

All three of you.

And I need to see ID as well.

Okay.

Hey, guys.

Come on in.

Just in time.

Everyone say hello to our friends.

Hi.

They're coming in to make a movie today.

Quail.

Quail.

Excellent.

What is a quail?

They usually have 19 in here, but...

Well, you know, parents panic.

They hear the word flu and keep them at home.

A little bit more.

Hey, Lindsay.

Not on the table, please.

Beautiful.

Not on the table, Lindsay.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, Lindsay.

This isn't going to be on TV, right?

No, it's just going on the website.

It's a marketing piece for the university.

In a couple of years, they interview former grads for the video.

Yeah, it's meant to show how successful you'll be.

All right.

I think we're ready, guys.

You're fine here, right?

I can go grab beer with the kids.

Go ahead.

Hello.

All right, Stephanie.

I'm just going to start off by asking your name, and then we'll move on to things

about the university, okay?

Okay.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

You having lunch?

What are we having?

Huh?

What do we got down here?

So what do you like about teaching?

Hmm.

What do I like about teaching?

Well, I don't know.

I like...

I really respect the...

Super good?

On a scale of one to good, how good are they?

Very good.

Nice.

Difficult.

Or challenging.

No, I'm going to change it.

Challenging.

Mist like lemons?

Nice.

Excellent.

Excellent.

What else have we got?

What you got?

What did you bring for lunch today, bud?

What is that?

What is that?

But I guess teaching is a little more practical.

It makes my parents a little happier.

And, you know, I'm...

It's stuck.

You can see the blood all over.

It's not blood.

It's the sauce or something.

It's raw meat.

It looks like a vagina.

Oh, my God.

That's hair.

Hair?

No, I think it does.

Hair?

Wait, what are they saying?

Marty.

Marty.

Which kid is this?

The red.

They'll be up on the website.

You should really check it out.

Sounds good.

I will.

Sounds really great.

And also, I wanted to mention...

We saw something weird in one of your kid's lunch boxes.

Like what?

Yeah, kind of like meat or something.

No, it was raw meat.

So this was food?

It was like an animal.

Look, it looked like he killed something.

Like a bird.

There was a bird?

No, no, no.

There was hair.

Wait, whose lunch box was this?

It was that little kid in the red shirt, yeah.

The Chinese kid, Marty?

His name is Marty?

So this was food, right?

Do you want to see the footage?

No, not if it's meat.

It just looked kind of weird.

We thought maybe we should check it out.

Just ethnic delicacies.

Yeah, but hair?

It's...

Come on, hair.

Pork.

Pork can be hairy, right?

It's...

It's really gross.

It's whatever the parents pack for them.

Yeah, no, no.

We understand.

We just thought maybe we should know.

No, I really appreciate it.

Thank you so much for telling me.

Thank you so much for today.

You were naturally right.

Thank you.

Thank you for making me a star.

And yeah, have a safe...

Oh my god, this year I thought you were going to run for it.

I was that close.

What happened?

Liz, you made a friend.

Oh my god, this little boy had the grossest lunch.

Yeah, it was your regular kid's lunch.

Raw meat with a slide of hair.

Seriously.

It was pork.

No, it didn't look like pork to me.

Okay, another boy.

What a creepy little kid.

I'm never having kids.

Hey, good news for everyone.

Real fucking...

TMI, you know what I'm saying?

You got to pee.

You're looking at the battery.

Oh, shut up.

I got to do...

I ate some water.

I got to wipe this...

I got to do girl stuff.

I got to do boy stuff.

I, English, lesson C.

I reversed it.

You guys do what you got to do.

All right.

I got to do girl stuff.

Yeah.

Late night show too.

Man, Dan, you always attract the weird ones.

You got a nice scraper up here.

Probably don't need that, Beth.

Where's Nick?

Where's Nick?

Keep it up.

Not funny.

What do you think?

Didn't even blink.

Really?

He just let it go.

He consciously chose to let it go.

Because she has girly nails, too.

They're not painted, but they're girly.

That's what made it even worse.

She didn't even say anything before, Ian.

She just did it.

Hey, when is Halloween again?

Wow.

We just do weird things when we're trying to tell each other something.

That's weird, man.

She said kind of weird.

I've admitted we got some weird tendencies.

Beth.

Oh, shit.

Ian.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

I'm crashing into people.

And after these two evil bitches, these things are really funny.

Sorry.

Hi.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Just getting some gas, I guess.

Water.

Wow.

Yeah.

Some water.

Are you going somewhere?

Yeah.

No.

I'm not sure.

What about you?

What are you doing?

I'm working.

It's a school thing.

It's with Jeff, Terry, the guys.

It's like a road trip.

It's really fun.

Yeah.

That sounds like it.

That's great.

Yeah.

Listen, I...

Beth, can I ask you a question?

It might seem kind of weird.

Yeah.

Sure.

Um, do you remember back in LFP, um, in Mr. Masson's grade 12 French class?

Do you remember he had that stupid cartoon all over the wall?

Do you remember what it said?

Remember we made fun of it all the time?

Sorry.

I don't...

It was like a guy and he was eating a letter sandwich.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

OK.

Sans gracer sur le français.

I get mad on French.

Oh, it's so stupid.

I know.

What does that even mean?

Well, I don't know.

And he had that everywhere.

That was so long ago.

What made you think of that?

I don't know.

I just thought of it the other day.

Listen, I...

I gotta run.

The guys are waiting for me in the car.

Yeah, no.

Let me know if you see those crazy twins.

I'd like to...

What?

What?

The girls in the bathroom, they were twins.

Twin bitches is what...

Take care of yourself, OK?

Thank you.

Can we go?

Yes.

You know Anne Lezinski?

She's apparently on drugs now.

Anne.

Lezinski, you need to go.

You know her.

We all went to high school together.

You know her.

Number two, is that what you took so long?

Shut up, Terry.

I know what you do in the bathroom.

Did you just take off the Tuesdays?

Threes and fours.

Threes and fours, fives.

What is a number three?

I know what a number four is.

Bullshitting me.

How could you forget that?

That was two weeks ago.

That was like...

That's like 10 days ago or something.

God, Dan.

You've got a 15-second memory span.

I don't know.

Maybe if I was eating or something, I don't always listen.

Instead of buns, it's...

I don't even want the chicken breast.

Two chicken breasts.

I just want...

With bacon in the middle.

They got wraps.

No.

You don't make friends with salads.

This isn't real food, so...

It's real food.

It's good North American eating.

Give it a try.

It's fine.

It's drive-through food.

It's food.

It's real food.

Come on.

Get something.

That's foodish.

Look at this.

I don't feel...

Look at this.

What's with this girl?

Well, can I get like three ketchup?

Yeah.

Look at this.

Look.

She's just standing there.

What is she doing?

It's like that toll booth guy.

It is like the toll booth guy.

Hello, little girl.

She's not moving.

That's fucked.

That's incredible.

No, it's weird.

What is she looking at?

There she goes.

Dude, that's fucking spooky.

Yeah.

Big time.

Fuck you.

I've had bad luck with kids today.

You have, haven't you?

You should never have kids.

Seriously.

Napoleon?

Napoleon.

Place en sandwich.

That's how he eats.

That's how he eats.

You know, when he had his hand inside the thing, he was grabbing for a fish

sandwich.

Where are you going?

Ice cream.

Ice cream.

Can you get me an ice cream, babe?

Give me some money, then.

Can you get me an ice cream, please?

Blueberry.

Yes, I can get you an ice cream.

Can you get me an ice cream?

Can you get me an ice cream?

Can you get me an ice cream, mom?

Yeah, sure.

Don't get him one.

Where's my bacon offalips?

This is not a bacon offalips.

This is a cheeseburger.

What's the difference?

Six strips of bacon.

This is not a bacon offalips.

This is a cheeseburger.

What's the difference?

Six strips of bacon.

Whatever it is.

I'm going to use their facilities.

I am.

I'm going to come with you.

Taking this back.

I'm bacon offalips.

All right.

Yes.

Yeah.

Sorry about that, hon.

No problem.

Just so you know, I didn't make that mess over there.

That's just kids.

They won't do it again, that's for sure.

Hey.

Just these?

Yeah.

These are all melted.

The freezer's broken.

Grab another one from the deep.

It's in the back.

Where?

Just in the back there.

No, I'm good.

What do I owe you?

Six sixty-two.

You forgot your change, hon.

You keep it.

She just slams into the side of the bed.

So where's this little girl now?

I don't know.

She ran away.

All this fucking stuff, like out of the corner of my eye, like a blur.

She just fucking scared the shit out of me.

So what, this little girl runs up to the window and slaps it with her palm?

No, no, no.

She used her whole body.

Yeah.

What, you don't believe me?

You weren't even here.

What's this?

What's wrong?

You look scared.

I don't know.

This woman, the clerk in the store back there, she kept on trying to get me to go

to the back room.

And you could tell there was someone there.

My spidey sense is tickling big time.

Like, major alarm.

You were gone?

I got attacked.

By a little girl.

No, by a teenager.

Fuck you, all right?

Balls on that little girl, man.

Come on, guys.

Look, it was a blur, all right, but it was the side of the bed.

What about you, man?

What'd you get up to?

Just took a piss.

What's that?

Yes, I know.

I'm jealous of you guys.

Fucked up.

She got half an hour.

Coming.

Excuse me.

Look, I'm telling you guys.

That woman, she wasn't a person.

You should drive by.

No, please don't.

Glasses?

Trying to avoid those people.

Oh, okay, right on.

You want that?

Is that her standing in the door?

No.

Is that her?

Oh, my God.

You've got to be kidding me, man.

Is that the same woman?

Oh, my God.

Oh, that is fucked.

What the hell?

I don't understand, man.

Why do we keep...

Why do people keep showing me their back?

What the fuck is this?

That is so creepy.

We have to go back and check it out.

Let's get out of here.

Should we stop?

What do we do?

No, we can't be late.

Dude, look at this.

I have goosebumps.

It's fucking creepy.

Check out that guy's crossword puzzle.

Jesus, I've seen that before.

The school.

Jess, give me your camera.

Give me your camera.

It works by settling in

even just a little way headed.

Symptoms vary, dizziness, nausea, to the extent of uncharacteristic or even

bizarre cases.

Wow.

What?

I miss most of that.

Flu that gets by in through your ear and it makes you go crazy.

He didn't say crazy.

That's your Marty.

That's your grocery lady.

Uh-uh.

That woman had way more wrong with her than a freaking cold in her ear.

Where was that remote?

You remember when you were a kid and you had to go to the dentist?

She does not look happy, does she?

This looks like a Spanish movie.

Documentary films?

Is that where you're going?

Yeah, I think so.

I mean, that's why I'm doing this.

I know it's just a crappy school video, but it's real.

How about you?

I just want to graduate right now.

You know, I'll probably go where the work is.

Probably Toronto.

It would be awesome if we both ended up there.

I don't know anybody.

I'm seeing twins.

They are twins.

No, no.

Fuck, I know.

You guys, I forgot to tell you.

I can't believe I didn't tell you this.

When we went to fill up, I saw these two creepy, creepy sets of twins and they

tried to scare me.

They had make-ups.

There should be a law against twins.

I don't like twins at all.

Something was totally off with them.

It creeps me right out.

Jeff?

Yeah, hi, that's me.

Sorry about the wait.

I just have one more cleaning.

Is there any chance we could shoot the cleaning?

All right, great.

Well, perfect.

Okay.

It's been going on all day.

I just wish it would actually happen so I could go home early.

Yeah, no kidding.

You guys want to grab an AC and a keynote and we'll get ready to shoot.

Grab that for the band.

Hi, Emily.

How are we today?

Come on, say hi.

You ready for your cleaning?

Come on.

Emily, you're a pro at this.

Emily?

You remember Kelly?

You remember last time?

Yeah, it's going to be just like last time.

She's just having a shy day today.

I promise.

No surprises.

Nothing to be afraid of.

Oh, sweetie.

You'll be all right.

I'm going to take care of you, okay?

Promise.

Come on.

Not that shy, I guess.

All right.

I got you.

I wish everybody was this excited to see me.

All right, darling, now don't you worry about these guys.

They were here to make us movie stars.

Yeah.

So, I bet you probably want to be a movie star when you grow up.

I'll tell you what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I wanted to be a dental hygienist.

I was a weird kid.

Excuse me.

You got a switch, man?

Yeah.

Can I talk up both segues?

Yeah, man.

You're awful quiet today, Emily.

Where's your sister?

What's that?

I said, where's Julie today?

I fucking hate it.

Can you guys quiet down for a second?

What was that, sweetie?

What's the matter?

What's going on?

The man in the waiting room.

You mean your dad?

He's not my dad.

He sure looks like your dad.

He's not my dad anymore.

He's a monster.

What do you mean?

Did you guys have a fight?

Jesus Christ!

What is wrong with you?

He is a monster!

It's okay, Emily.

Oh, shit.

Dude, what's up, man?

Oh, shit.

I have to find you.

Shit.

Okay, enough.

I have to find you.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Did you have a fight?

Get the hell out of here.

It needs to be right now.

We should just calm down.

Sorry to interrupt.

Emily, I need to be going.

Come on, sweetie.

We haven't even started yet.

Em, come on.

We gotta go.

Come on now.

Someone tell me what just happened.

That has never happened like that before.

That is not.

That is no longer right.

It is her father.

They all come here.

The parents have three children.

She has a daughter?

Why does she say that though?

Why does she keep saying that?

She has never been with me.

Dude, no fucking way.

Hey, chill out, man.

Hey, chill out, man.

We're still in front of the house.

I don't fucking care.

This is fucked up.

Is it dying over there?

We'll go talk about it there, okay?

It was fucked.

I know, I know, I know.

But there's people around here.

This is killing me.

Look,

it wasn't a man, okay?

It wasn't.

Then what was it?

I don't know.

Like a creature.

Describe it, man.

What the fuck are you talking about?

It was...

It was like...

It was just...

It sm...

It smiled at me.

It smiled.

Yeah.

It smiled.

It was just too big.

It was too fucking big.

It was way too big.

Beside the girl at the grocery store.

That's fucked.

That's fucked.

You know, the guy was just like trying to freak you out.

Fuck.

Then what?

Flash you a freaky grin or something.

No, it was way too...

Think about the blues going around.

On the news, they said it gets in your ear, it changes your behavior.

You watch way too many movies.

They say it makes you dizzy, all right?

They didn't say it turns you into a demon.

It eats children.

Jesus, man.

Chill out.

Think about our day and tell me that something's not going on, all right?

Don't, Terry.

You're starting to scare me.

Yeah, welcome to the club.

Now I'm paranoid.

You're always paranoid.

We got to smoke pot.

You know, that little girl was petrified even before she came in.

They both had the flu or something.

You know what's really fucked up?

I took a course.

Psychology 380, I think it was.

Diseases of the brain.

And we learned about this disorder called Capgras.

Capgras syndrome describes a person who believes that the people around him,

or at least some of the people around him, are no longer human.

So what are they then?

Creatures.

Or aliens or imposters that look like humans but aren't.

It's a real disease, look it up.

A writer had it.

The Saturday Night Live guy had it.

Yeah, I remember that.

There was this one day in class, they showed us a tape of a guy who had it.

And he was a total middle class guy.

I mean, wife, kids, a family.

Totally normal guy.

And on this tape, the doctor showed him his own wedding photo.

He said, who's that?

The guy says, that's my wife.

Then the doctor shows him another photo, a recent photo.

The same girl, his wife again.

He said, who's that?

The guy said, that's the thing that murdered her.

The doctor was like, okay, right?

You know, almost patronizing the guy.

So then the guy grabs his arm, the doctor's arm, right in the interview,

and he says, I hope in your lifetime you never know the truth.

The doctor says, what truth?

The guy says, the truth is there are monsters out there.

And they are coming to get us.

My mom.

Hey, how you doing?

Good, good.

No, we're just here for dinner at a diner.

No, no, we're all here.

They're all here.

Hey.

Four people, 69 bucks.

You're all kidding?

Biggie.

Hey, man.

You're beautiful.

Nice job.

Go back to the highway.

So I'm guessing no wireless.

Dan, the remote's just fine.

Is there wireless internet in the room?

She's all like, uh.

Hon, you paid me 69 bucks.

What are you explaining?

Hey, man, as long as she wasn't smiling like she was gonna eat us all,

I think we'll be fine.

Turn the news on, they want to see what's going on.

Look, the lamp.

This is the guy from tomorrow.

Why did you give him my number?

They didn't bribe them all in their emails.

We could all use a little exercise.

Are we here again?

Any of us even bring a flashlight?

Still?

That's just the motel.

Tight budget, man.

Are you sure it's all right here?

My god.

There's four walls here.

Would you two be any more adorable?

What?

Goodness.

Oh my god.

No way.

Super kickers.

Holy shit.

I can't believe that fits you.

What's a super kicker?

Her mom made us these T-shirts back in high school.

This is a running joke between our families.

When we were little, we formed our own soccer team.

A soccer team of two people.

What, were we like five?

We would challenge everyone we knew to games.

I don't think we ever played.

That's right.

We remain undefeated.

Greatest team ever.

Oh, super duper kicker team.

Oh, make you cry.

Make you scream.

Super duper kicker team.

We'll make you cry.

We'll make you scream.

Super kickers around the world.

We're the best team on the globe.

Oh.

I officially want one of those shirts now.

So completely stupid.

Oh, cream, Jonathan.

You wish you had a super kicker T-shirt.

No, I really don't.

The news, the news.

Turn the news on.

I want to see what's going on with that.

Where's the guy?

Just play with the aerial.

Yeah.

Okay, let's just tune the old anchorman in here.

What's a camera running on an empty studio?

Maybe everybody's dead.

Come on, man.

This is fucking serious.

Come on.

It's just a glitch.

No, seriously, dude.

Look at this.

That is some freaky shit, dude.

Try the other channels.

Awesome.

We got real estate music.

I love this tune.

This is good.

Great.

Holy shit, look.

Is that all the beer we have?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm seriously going to kill you when you play H.

I can get more beer, though, if you want.

Jesus Christ.

What the fuck's going on?

Shut up.

What's going on?

It's a woman.

Open the door.

I'm a couple doors down.

Can I come in, please?

Can I?

Please, I'm just...

Yeah.

Yeah, come in.

Hello.

I'm Lynn.

Hi.

Lynn, what can we do for you?

I heard you come in a few hours ago.

You were very loud.

Oh, Jesus.

But, no, lots of language came in.

Yeah, Jesus.

Sorry about that.

No, no, it's fine.

It...

It told me what I needed to know.

What's that?

That you're still human.

Or at least some of you are.

Wow.

Lynn, you must have heard what's going on with...

There's no flu.

No flu?

No, that's just a story they fabricated to try and dampen...

They fabricated it?

They have fabricated it to try and dampen the pants.

This is crazy.

Listen.

Listen.

I was...

I saw...

Come in.

Hey, look, should we call someone or...?

Just sit down.

My best friend Ginny called on...

No, this was on Sunday.

She phoned and she said...

She said, it's Graham.

There's something wrong with him.

He doesn't smell like Graham.

She thought that it might be his health.

You know, sometimes you hear people with cancer, they smell different.

She thought that it might be that.

And she...

She'd found blood...

In her bathtub.

And on a duvet, I think she said.

And she asked him about it, but he...

He just...

You see, with Will...

I didn't notice any smell.

Or any blood.

With Will, it was his memory.

His memory was...

He knew current things.

Puddy's wedding, he knew.

And he remembered to take the truck in.

But he couldn't...

He couldn't remember anything deeper.

His granddaughter's name.

Jackie.

Jackie.

And his favorite pasta.

And normal things like write a check.

He couldn't do it.

It was like he was a painter.

Like a...

Like a photocopy of what he was.

We'd been together for a thousand years.

And so I knew that...

Will was gone.

And...

Whatever it was that was standing there in my kitchen, it wasn't Will.

So I left, and I came here, and...

I never went to sleep, not for two days, until a couple of hours ago.

And when I woke up...

I saw that...

That truck.

It's my husband's.

He's found me.

That's why I knocked on his door.

Lynn, if there's a domestic dispute, we can call the police.

This is ridiculous.

It's getting quite late.

Jeff, is it?

I think it's time for you to go.

You're getting everybody excited.

Jeff, they consume you.

They consume you, Jeff.

They get inside you.

They live inside your shell.

And they replicate, and they hide.

But they're done hiding, and now they're fixing to get all of us.

You've got to open your eyes.

They're everywhere.

They're on the streets.

You can see them.

You can see the backs of their heads.

Why the backs of their heads?

You know what I'm talking about.

But why the backs of their heads?

Because they hide it from you.

Hides what?

Their demon face.

Somebody lock them!

Get the fuck back or I'll punch your brain, you!

Lynn, tell them who we are!

Mom, it's okay.

You're having an attack.

Mom.

No, Jamie!

Mom, please put that down.

That woman is my mother.

This is my dad and my uncle.

Ask her.

Look, we're her family.

Really.

Look, I don't know what she's told you, but you have to understand my mother's

having an attack.

We haven't seen her in three days.

These are her pills.

That's her name on the bottle.

Is this true?

Are you a schizophrenic?

I haven't had an episode in 14 years, and I am not having one now.

Oh, my God.

We have been up and down at every motel for days.

She's worried sick.

And Darren's got half his class looking for you.

Come on, Lynn.

Come on.

We're taking her to the emergency.

Get your feet in there.

I'll be right there with you.

Oh, shit.

So?

So?

So we need to get the fuck out of here.

I believe that.

Mom tells us aliens are coming down to take over the world.

She never said that.

She's just schizophrenic.

You heard her daughter.

How do we know that was her daughter?

For fuck sakes, Darren.

She admitted she was schizo.

She even had the pills.

What more do you want?

Look, what do you think?

I don't know.

She had me going for a while, but...

She had the pills, too.

No, no, no.

Listen.

We need to get out of here, and we need to do it now.

If we leave now, we lose our last interview.

Who cares?

Do you really want to go back to Brian and say, I'm sorry, we came all the way out

here, we spent our entire budget, but we skipped the last interview because

some mom said the world's coming to an end?

Brian chose us for this, okay?

This is our last year, man.

The bank is just across the street.

Exactly, okay?

We're just two minutes away.

We're on the road in like six hours.

I'm just trying to tell you that something's going on, Jeff.

Maybe, okay?

Now, maybe.

It's not what she's talking about.

Come on.

That door's not locked, but somebody better lock it.

Let's just get some sleep, okay, guys?

And I dated a girl one time, and her dad was a schizo.

Don't you think we should check the van out?

You remember, Becca, didn't you?

Half our shit's in there.

You remember, Becca, didn't you?

Okay, but you're coming with me, though.

One time, whispered in my ear that there are listening devices in the strawberries.

Where are you two going?

To this day, I cannot eat strawberries.

Oh, my God, just shut up.

Okay, I'm just gonna mention this because Lynn got me going in there, and I already

know what you're gonna say.

I know you're gonna say I'm paranoid, and I know I am, so what?

I won't.

What is it?

It's Dan.

Dan Dan?

It's his memory.

He didn't remember about the film show, and that was last week.

Oh, come on, Beth.

Or camping last year.

And yeah, I know much potty smokes.

Yeah, he's a walking, burning man festival.

When you got him to call Craig about the charger.

He borrowed my cell phone to make that call, and my phone says he made two calls.

Before he dialed Craig, he dialed 411.

He forgot Craig's number.

Never forget that number.

He works there, he lives there.

He talks to Craig twice a day.

Like, isn't that weird to you?

It's just a brain fart.

All day, I've seen people struggle with simple stuff.

Think about the guy with the crossword puzzle.

Oh, come on.

Remember the word she used?

Photocopy.

Beth, can we just go to bed?

Yes.

Daylight's in the...

Do you have the cube tab?

It's right here.

Do you want your sweater?

The back one, sir?

Yeah, it's in the back.

It's fucked up.

Check the news channel.

So what?

Cable's down.

Look how it's not working.

Let me see.

Mine just says roaming.

Yeah, mine's down too.

Jesus.

Let's just pack up and do this.

Hey, look.

Check it.

We got a tag.

Look.

Jesus.

Should we tell the front desk?

No, no, no.

Come on.

Fuck it.

Let's just go.

Come on.

Where is everybody?

There should be cars, right?

Hey, what if there's supposed to be numbers?

What?

Four lines, four people.

The Nazis did the same thing on Jewish homes.

Great.

We know how that turned out.

No, no, no.

There's only three lines on our door.

Maybe going home wasn't such a bad idea.

Look.

The interview's right over there.

And I see people inside.

I know we're all a little freaked out about last night, okay?

And there's more people there?

Here comes more people.

They look pretty normal to me.

Should we drive over?

Oh, okay.

It's just graffiti.

Start her up, man.

Let's just roll.

I can do it.

I kind of mind the seat belt.

Yes.

Come on.

Next thing you're going to tell me, it's Aunt Peru.

Hey, Dana.

Remember back in high school when your dad took you to Thailand?

What was the name of that island with the monkeys?

Koh Samui.

Yes.

That's it.

Why?

What about it?

I think I had a dream about it.

All those monkeys did was eat and have sex with each other.

There's no parking sign.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Dan, you stay here.

We're going to be 15 minutes max, all right?

And then coffee's highway and home.

Let's go.

Okay.

Good morning.

Morning.

We're from Harten.

We're here to interview Matt Russell.

He told us to page him.

Okay, hang on.

Yes.

Just one second.

All right, let's just sit down.

What about these bags?

They're not so ominous.

Something's so cold about the lighting.

The way they are.

Hey, wait.

Chill out, man.

It's fine.

Look at Dan's dark.

The sky is deep.

All right, let's drive.

The girls will dig this.

Jesus.

It's just got a cold.

He's got something in his throat.

Somebody will take care of it.

Don't worry about it.

There's nothing personal in here.

I thought he'd have, like, entries about sleeping with his cousins or...

A good party going on in that office.

They're having a meeting, man.

They're just getting pumped up for something.

I don't know.

Don't worry about it.

Relax.

Don't worry.

We'll be on the road soon.

Where'd that guy go?

He went to get our guy for the interview.

Man, if I had a diary and somebody read it, I'd fucking kill them.

Why are the...?

This is starting to get weird, man.

What?

Where the fuck are you going?

You can't leave me here with everything!

That's Dan.

It's Dan.

We gotta get out of here.

Come on.

We gotta go home.

Are you seeing this?

Where the fuck's

Dan?

Where the fuck are the keys?

Give me the fucking keys!

Jesus!

Dude, where's...?

Where the fuck is Dan?

Dan!

Dan, hurry up, you idiot!

Lock the doors.

What are you doing?

He brought coffee!

Dan, hurry up, you idiot!

Dan,

you fucking asshole!

You fucking prick!

Oh, God!

What the fuck are they?

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

Jesus Christ, what the fuck?

Back in the ride now, you fucking prick!

What the fuck are they?

Please drive, Jeff!

Oh, my God!

Get out of here!

Go, go, go!

How about now, Jeff?

Can we go home now?

Can we go home now, Jeff?

Check your phone.

The wires are all down.

I don't know.

Open it.

Check it.

What are they, fucking eat people?

What the fuck is that?

We're not fucking bears!

What are these fucking...

Shut up!

I can't cause a drink!

Jesus!

Hey, anyone know when Dan became a fucking demon?

Fucking prick!

I let him in my toothpaste.

Prick.

People!

Shit, people!

Turn around!

They're not people!

Down there, down there!

No!

No, no!

Fuck no!

Oh, my God!

What is this?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my

God!

Nasty, Nasty, Nasty, Nasty!

What are you doing?

Get up, get up.

Cheers.

Can I have the menu, please?

Is that your car out front?

Do you have the keys?

Do you have keys?

Have you come for us?

Look, what's happening?

Do you have keys?

Keys?

Do you know what's happening?

It's the end of the world, son.

You need to get out of here.

You need to run.

You can't run from the end of the world, son.

You can't.

What's that sound?

What do

you see?

What is it?

What is it?

My toes.

Right?

Right.

Yeah, I'm watching.

I'm watching.

And we're fine.

What is it?

Terry?

Nothing.

Nothing.

We're fine.

Jack?

No.

What is it?

What do you see?

No, no, no, no.

Terry, what do you see?

They're hunting me back.

Jack, what is it?

What is it?

They found me.

Do you really think this is the end?

Terry,

everything's fine here.

Dad, get out!

Go, go, go!

It's too dark.

I can't see.

Jesus, this place goes forever.

I know.

This is Elador.

It's got to be down here.

I saw it outside.

Like to a root cellar.

We need a flashlight.

Where's Terry?

I don't know.

It's two flights upstairs.

We need a light.

And there'll be a flashlight or something.

Try your phone.

The light's not going to be big enough.

Elador.

I can't see anything.

What about the flashlight?

Use the flashlight.

On your camera.

Your camera flashlight.

Take a picture.

We're going this way.

We're going back.

We can't go back.

Wait.

Wait.

Look.

What is that?

What is that?

That's hair.

That's hair.

Jeff, there's someone in the photo.

There's someone down there.

Down there, behind the boxes.

It's not hair.

It is.

It's just the angle.

Take another look.

It's loading.

See?

It's in boxes.

Nothing.

I saw something.

It's just nothing.

It's just boxes and stuff.

Take another look.

Just take another look.

It's loading.

What's wrong with it?

I don't know.

The memories.

Police!

Jeff.

Jeff.

Jeff.

Jesus!

Fuck!

Fuck you!

Fuck!

Get in!

I'm in a fucking horror movie!

I'm in a fucking horror movie!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck!

You know what?

Fuck you!

Come on!

You want to do this?

You want to fuck with me?

You want to fuck with me?

I'll kill you!

I can do this right now!

I swear I'll fucking destroy you!

I'll kill both of you!

Your fucking children!

Your kids!

I can fucking kill both of you!

I weigh 250 fucking pounds!

You want to do this right now?

City lights.

Lights?

There's still lights out here.

They're still lit.

So maybe they didn't come here.

I can see the lights.

There's no black out here.

Maybe they were already here.

Now there's nobody left.

And they're all just things.

Attending to be us.

There.

Look there.

You think it's them?

I think it's really them.

It's them?

It's them.

I gave her that.

It's got ponies on it.

Do you think they're gay?

Tori's got my shirt on.

Do you think they're those things?

They're talking.

Okay, that's a good sign.

I think it's really them.

What are you doing?

I didn't touch it.

Oh fuck.

Fucking light.

You had me so freaked out.

I thought I'd never find the gun.

You were gone so fast.

I couldn't think.

I just ran.

And then I hit these rocks.

The ravine?

I hid there for like 20 minutes.

Jesus, Beth.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's okay.

No, it's okay.

Thank God it's you.

Out of everyone.

Thank God it's you.

You know?

That's right.

You're my best friend.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

We've been friends forever.

We've been friends a long time.

But you're more than just my friend.

You're my brother.

You're all I have left.

You too.

We're gonna be super kickers, right?

Super kickers forever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's do the cheer.

Okay.

You start.

Do you remember how it started?

Do you remember?

I don't.

Super duper kicker to you.

I will make you cry.

I will make you scream.

Who are you?

It's happening.

What's happening?