Original subtitles

We are back, bitches!

Ba-bam!

Yeah!

We are subjecting ourselves

to another season of punishment

for your enjoyment.

That's right. That's right.

I hope you all enjoy it, 'cause

we're back, baby.

But before we jump headfirst

into season 2, we wanted to take

a few minutes to talk to you

about some of our favorite

moments.

Let's relive some of the

horror.

Excellent. Excellent.

The show is torturous enough

where we never know what we have

to say or do.

It's 10 times worse when we

think we know, we think we've

got a handle on what's about to

happen, and then something

changes.

You don't know what's coming,

and your friends do.

Right. And everybody could be

involved in it.

Like, the crew, the camera

guy... everybody could know but

me.

We have got q's dad to come here

today.

Q has no idea.

If you think it's hard for us to

say these things to strangers,

the only way we can top

ourselves is if we have to speak

it to our own parents.

Here he is. Here he is.

What the?

What am I supposed to do,

pretend this isn't my father?

Dad, what are you doing here?

All right.

Here we go.

Well, what can I help you with,

sir?

Three hamburgers.

Three burgers?

"Let me ask you a question,

pops... you and mom still poke?"

"What's up, pops?

You and mom still poke?"

Everybody settle down.

Do you and mom...

I knew it. He can't do it.

I can't breathe.

It's impossible.

Do it!

You understand I have to...

So, with that, do you and mom...

So is that to stay or to go,

dad?

Oh!

Stay? Okay.

All right, pop, well, here's

your change.

So, what do you say, dad?

Can I get a tip?

That's the tip I get.

My father didn't tip me.

I have, in my life, had a lot of

moments of confusion.

Like, almost every day, I wake

up, and I'm like, "where am I?

Who am I?

What's going on?"

But when my father walked into

the store and my mind didn't

jump to, "oh, the guys brought

him in."

My mind jumped to, like, "why is

my dad here?"

He just randomly was there.

I was trying to figure out,

like, yeah, things to... to come

up with... "oh, he's hungry for

white castle.

He didn't know... he just came

to visit me today."

Your dad lives nowhere near

that white castle.

I know... he lives 200 miles

away.

For my book punishment, what

I was told was that there would

be an excerpt of very personal

details from my life that I may

or may not be very upset about.

When you watch the episode,

you'll see me sitting in a

chair, looking like I'm this

close to projectile vomiting.

We're here at the bookstore

to punish sal.

And congrats, buddy.

You are the author of a

brand-new book.

We have set up a book reading

downstairs with a bunch of

people from a book club, and

they're here to meet the author.

Okay, so what sal doesn't

know is that his book is

completely blank.

He's gonna have to make it up

as he goes along.

Hi, everyone. How are you?

My name is sal vulcano.

I'm a new author.

This is my first published work.

And I was gonna read an excerpt

for you guys from the book

today.

The book is called

"keeping the faith: My battle

with chronic flatulence."

It's a very raw book.

I don't pull any punches.

Okay, so I'll begin.

Yeah. Um, okay.

Uh...

Just making sure they marked the

right page for me.

Yeah.

Uh...

It began when I was just a baby.

The nurses and doctors, they

suspected that there may be an

internal intestinal issue

because they heard many noises

coming from the baby area.

Yeah.

People would make fun of me, and

the only answer I had was

flatulence.

But I did get an operation.

The operation backfired.

I flatulate twice as much now,

and it seems like a cruel joke

that is being played on me.

Is there any questions?

What was the name of the

operation?

Uh...

Oh, man, it was...

Yeah, it was awhile ago.

It's a long word.

Let's go with flatulectomy.

My favorite is that he

couldn't find the words

"maternity ward," and he said

"in the baby area."

Oh, that's what he means?

I thought he meant the... the

baby area.

No.

I just...

If you are not a screaming

pervert, then "baby area"...

Means what it's supposed to

mean.

Right, right, right.

No, it was your hand

gestures... you did "the baby

area."

Stop doing that.

Murr, the heart sees what it

wants.

Well, the bipolar magnetic

reversal theory... how do you

even... what did you Google to

get that combination of words?

I thought of every big word

that I could, and I just started

arranging them.

Oh, that's not a real thing?

No.

So, we've got a short

powerpoint presentation called

"social networking and you!"

Uh, okay.

Social networking is based on

the same exact core principle as

bipolar magnetic reversal

theory.

What is bipolar magnetic

reversal theory?

Anyone know?

Is, uh...

So, bipolar... two opposite

things.

Reversal...

Social networking is the same as

that.

My favorite part of that

punishment is the microphone by

your eyeball.

It kept sliding out.

A yellow Mike right here by

your eye.

Yellow thing right on his

face the entire time.

You... we found a way to up

your douche quotient.

I was frozen.

I had nothing to say that was

clever, so I did the gesture.

This explains nothing.

Well, when I... when I took out

the book and it said

"Portuguese"...

Yeah.

I know that Portuguese is

close to Spanish.

It's hard enough to fake talk,

but to fake sing, it's even

harder.

Even in English, you can't

sing, so...

Let's see what we are

teaching today.

Okay, so... oh, Portuguese.

So, we're gonna do some

Portuguese today.

Okay.

Right now I'd like to...

"Sing a Portuguese love song

to you."

sing a Portuguese love

song.

Let me think which one I want to

sing 'cause I know so many

Portuguese love songs.

She looks shell-shocked.

My American love song is even

worse.

She had an amused look on her

face.

I thought she was enjoying it.

No, it wasn't amusement...

More like, "is this guy for

serious?"

Bewilderment.

Yeah, like, where... "how do

I call security in this place?"

You abandoned our trick,

which I taught you one day,

which was to say real things but

make it sound...

Like what?

Like...

"The car is

parked in the street-o."

What?

"The car is parked in the

street."

Like, you just say it, but you

make it sound really...

That's not as good of a trick

as you think it was, 'cause I

clearly heard you say, "the car

is parked in the street-o."

Narrator: Coming up...

If somebody whispered to my

food, I wouldn't eat it.

Narrator: Sal's sweet talk

gets a sour reaction.

You're a good little tart.

Narrator: And later...

The guys offer lap dances in the

park in a lost scene from

season 1.

They go through so many

emotions... the people on our

show... confusion, anger...

Excitement.

Excitement.

Hysterics.

I don't know how I would react

to someone whispering to my

food.

I guess if someone was putting

their mouth close to my food,

talking, I wouldn't like it.

A raspberry tart?

Whisper to the tart.

Be the tart whisperer.

You're a good little tart.

You're gonna go.

You're a good little tart.

Shh.

Come here.

What else?

A cannoli?

One mini one?

You're gonna go home with this

girl, and she's gonna eat you,

and you're feel full.

Yes?

Remember what I said.

Don't talk to the cannoli?

Sorry.

Don't worry.

She's gonna be all right.

If somebody whispered to my

food, I wouldn't eat it.

I wouldn't eat it.

I would.

I got that last whisper in,

and she still took them.

Well, at that point, I think

she knew she was outmatched.

Right.

Hands down, best reaction

ever... moustache guy.

Yes.

You're gonna hit the next

customer with a "hey,

moustache."

I'm sorry, moustache. I'm...

Don't call you...

See, I couldn't even do it,

moustache.

I had to...

I wasn't speaking to you.

I was speaking to her.

"Don't call me 'clown.'"

well, don't call me "clown."

"Don't call me 'clown, '

moustache."

All right, moustache.

Don't call me "clown" is all i'm

saying.

I am not in an Alpha-male-like

thing, where I'm just like,

"what's up, moustache?"

I'm, like, trying to avoid eye

contact.

I'm giving all the signs of a

whipped, beaten dog.

I'm just trying to get it out

without a physical

confrontation.

I like how you really

completely punked out, though.

When he got, like, really

aggressive, you blamed the old

lady.

Her reaction, too... "hmm?!"

How about the guy that jumped

on the couch in the apartment?

Yeah, right?

'Cause he was something else.

He played ball, man.

Okay, let's see if murr can

bag a roomie.

Hi, man.

Hey. How you doing?

James. Nice to meet you.

How are you? What's your name?

Sidan.

Thanks for coming by.

Yeah, no problem.

What do you do, man?

I do stocks in the

neighborhood.

Murray, match his excitement.

I'm originally from

borough park.

Are you serious?

Yeah!

Get big, Murray.

Yeah, man!

That's awesome, bro!

That's awesome!

Murray doesn't know what to

do right now.

Murray is outmatched.

And here we can totally have,

like, parties out here.

We can... seriously, we can

rock, man.

You know what I mean?

I love this guy.

Jump over the furniture.

You are the best!

So what do you say?

You want to move in?

Yeah!

And that was his real

personality, man.

He was so excited and so,

like, animated, I'm like...

There's never, in the world

before that moment, has anyone

been that excited to meet

Murray.

Not only have we met a lot of

fun people doing this show,

we've made up a lot of fun

people doing this show.

Who do we got?

We got Larry, Santiago,

uncle clem.

The cleanest uncle in town.

Got a crazy message.

It's my uncle.

He's been staying at my

place.

Yeah.

And, you know, when I bring

chicks over...

Now uncle clem is living with

me.

I totally forgot to take it out.

Oh, my

oh, my god.

Oh, no.

There's no way to escape this

now.

We got him boxed in.

All right, let's see what he

wants.

So, he just wrote back...

I love that you kept trying

to get out of that, and then we

just hit you with a recap.

That was the best part of

that bit for me, was that you

kept... no matter what you could

say, we could instantly pull the

rug out underneath.

But have you seen

uncle clem's balls?

They are something.

I think Larry is, hands down,

the favorite.

Yeah.

All: Larry!

So, is there a specific price

range you were looking at?

You want... I got to check.

Larry? Larry?

Larry!

Larry! Larry!

Larry!

Larry?

Larry, I need azlet, size 7!

One more, as loud as you can.

Do it right in her face.

Larry! 38!

Larry!

I need an 8 1/2!

I was calling you, Larry!

Larry!

Larry!

He's cutting the whole line

by simply shouting "Larry."

Larry!

Larry!

Oh.

Not Larry?

No, he's not Larry.

Oh. That's a shame.

Wasn't Larry.

"Larry" is the number-one

thing I hear screamed at me when

I walk down the street.

Oh, yeah.

I think they like Larry

better than any of us.

Larry's a real guy.

Yeah.

He's actually a member of our

crew, the nicest guy in the

world.

He's so nice that we would

scream at him.

You can't help but yell at

him.

"Larry, where the 'f' is my

sandwich?!"

And it just worked its way into

the show.

Larry!

Larry!

Larry!

Narrator: Coming up...

We didn't expect people to

get so angry.

Narrator: Sal sticks his

fork where it doesn't belong.

Are you crazy?

Narrator: And later...

Sal and murr hit all the wrong

notes...

♪ and years

narrator: In a bonus scene

from season 1.

There are some moments of our

show that are so shocking, it

literally brings the show to a

standstill and surprises the

hell out of us, too, right?

Either that we're surprised

or we're... we think we're gonna

get killed.

Yeah.

I couldn't believe what was

going on in that room when you

started stealing food off

people's plates.

We almost got thrown out of

the whole place.

That word... the only word

for that is "mayhem."

Let's go, fearless.

Oh, my god, my favorite,

y'all.

Love it.

Look at her face!

She doesn't know what to do.

Here he goes.

Oh!

Loco, boss?

Are you crazy?

Hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no, I just wanted...

Where did you find this one?

It's my favorite.

There's mayhem going on out

here.

There's complete mayhem.

The amount of dirty looks

that are getting thrown your

way...

We didn't expect people to

get so angry.

I figured, I'll kill them

with kindness.

Yeah.

Get out of there, and I'll

leave them in confusion, not

contempt, right?

But...

That's not what happened.

No, that is not.

Oh, my god, my favorite,

y'all.

Right.

There's an added level to the

whole thing when the general

public gets involved, 'cause you

don't know how far along they'll

play.

Yeah, anything can happen.

Anything can happen.

Yeah.

You know, they could decide

they want to smell a dog's butt

that day.

Yeah, right, right, right.

Take a puppy out of the cage,

Joe...

Mm-hmm.

And smell its ass.

He's gonna do it, I'm telling

you.

I think this is the right

one.

Ohh!!

No, I just...

You make sure, you know.

That's how you tell who's who.

Right, Melissa?

You know, they have different

smells.

Go ahead.

Ohh!

What are people thinking?

Wow!

I love how you did it and,

like, believed it all the way

through.

Yeah.

"Oh, yeah, yeah."

"Smell it."

You're like, "oh, smell, honey."

When we did the speed-dating

challenge and your tooth fell

out, oh...

It was insane.

She didn't know what to do

with herself.

I didn't know what to do with

myself.

Hello.

Hey, how are you?

Start going way overboard

flattering this girl.

You are... let me tell you

something... gorgeous.

G-o-r-r-g-o-u-z-s...

Gorrgouzs.

His tooth fell out.

It's his tooth.

His tooth's on the table.

It fell on the table.

That's his tooth.

That's his tooth!

That's awful.

No. Don't worry about it.

That's like...

Be a pirate!

Be a pirate!

I'm like a pirate, like,

"arr! Arr, Matey!"

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Arr!

Is that a common problem, or

that just happened?

It happens if I start talking

too fast.

It just... it projectiles out

and just, like, bounces off

things and stuff like that.

A lot of sugary drinks as a

child.

Narrator: Coming up...

There are some clips that did

not make it to air.

Narrator: The jokers' hips

don't lie, in an exclusive bonus

scene from season 1.

There are some lines that we

say on the show that just take a

life of their own.

They get thrown back at us on

Twitter, Facebook.

We hear them all the time.

It is an odd thing walking

down the street and have people

scream at me to let them tittays

go.

All: Before you start to

blow.

Women wear brassieres that

could be obstructive or

constricting.

You might want to take off

the brassiere.

Because the rule is let them

tittays go before you start to

blow.

Yeah, okay, so...

So, the rule is...

You want to let them tittays go

before you start to blow.

Let's all say it.

So, let's say it together.

All: You want to let them

tittays go before you start to

blow.

It's funny how... sometimes,

how these lines come about.

They are made up in the moment,

'cause you have to just talk and

say something.

Right. With, like,

old English... how are you so

well-versed in old English?

I just play

dungeons & dragons a lot.

Good morrow, sir, and welcome

to the castle of white!

What's thou craving?

Bring it to me, and I shall slay

it!

Two burgers of ham!

Two burgers of cheese!

Your wit, sir, is legendary!

'Tis confusion!

Squire!

Sir?

There's 53 cents.

Oh!

The most generous lord in all

the land!

I would love it if that was

your real voice.

We got to make the 8:00 A.M.

Movie!

It's popcorn I want!

You'd be like, "shut up, dude."

And I'd be like, "all right."

There are some clips that did

not make it to air.

Do we get to show it yet?

Show the damn clip.

Roll the clip.

What you've got to do is

stand up and say whatever we

text you to say.

You sent it?

I sent it, yeah.

Here it goes.

One new message.

When I was in the ninth

grade, my mom caught me in our

laundry room pleasuring myself

to a Kathy Ireland

"swimsuit edition" magazine.

So, we're here at a huge

medical convention, and we've

set up a fake booth with a fake

company that we've made up.

And we'll be telling them

what to do and vice versa.

How are you today?

Have you heard of mcclelland

before?

No.

Guys, sing... sing the

company jingle for her.

Uh.

Go ahead. Make one up.

You might recognize the

jingle.

Um, it goes, uh...

♪ mcclelland's, inc.

♪ Here for you

♪ from day to night, from month

to year ♪

♪ and years and years

and years ♪

keep going. Keep going.

♪ Mcclelland's, inc.

♪ Nurses, doctors

♪ rabbits?

Not rabbits ♪

♪ mcclelland's, inc.

♪ Not rabbits

♪ ding

now, the challenge is to go

up to people who are just

sitting alone, minding their own

business, and sashay in front of

them.

Well, we've learned some

stuff from punishments in

season 1.

I've learned not to lose.

What have I learned?

That dog crap is not cool.

Yeah, dog crap is definitely

not cool.

Don't put a toe in your mouth

if you don't know where it's

been.

I think the punishments in

season 2 are going to be

10 times worse.

Oh, my.

We're definitely gonna get

arrested.

In season 2, I will have my

revenge.