Original subtitles

This is a setup.

I don't understand.

Did I retain somebody?

An attorney, darling.

La creme de la creme. Picture a more vivacious girl working for you. Someone

could use a little body action.

We've got to find a way to shut them both up.

I just sent Sergeant Anderson up to her apartment to tell her about her husband.

Amen.

Oh, hello, Crowley.

This is your disappearing, going on vacation, Purple Claw.

Just thought I'd check in one last time.

Let you know my bikinis are packed and I'm off and running.

So before you say anything, don't say anything.

Listen, Purple Claw, do I seem like the kind of a guy who would interfere with a

girl's vacation? Crowley? Yeah, I knew you'd say that.

I want you to have a great time, sweetheart. Really. I don't care.

Honey, where did you say you were going? Oh, you want to know where I'm going?

You want to know. Well, you know what?

No way! I got a week off and I don't want any calls poolside. Where's this

Where's that file?

You can just find the file all yourself, okay?

Say goodbye to the troops and listen, Bill, try to survive.

Not only survive, honey, we're going to prevail.

And if you're not back in a week, I'm going to slap a blonde wig on Stiles.

A bikini?

I don't know about it. Bye -bye. Have a good time.

you, Hilda.

Banged up, all in one piece.

Good. Name?

No name, but hit by a truck of a nice, clean, dry -cleaning firm.

Well, you better get hit by a truck.

Prevent crime.

Money bucks, Hilda?

Oh, come on, you're kidding.

You know it's worth more.

Well, if it is, you'll get more. Washington, it's only money. Only money?

It's only a matter of arriving at a fair amount.

Well, let me tell you something. I have come to live and breathe by the stuff.

The happy juice of life is the holiest of stuff.

President.

Yeah, I'll speak to him.

Which is, Morris wants a runner over at Linden Hospital right away.

That Morris woman, I don't like her.

Hilda is good at her job. She's ice.

A heart of stone.

Well, I'll admit, she's not a specialist like you, Washington, but in life...

Well, in life, all of us are specialists. All of us, in our own way,

function. All of you wouldn't be here if it weren't for me.

And in this funny accident business, I'm the artist, the Leonardo.

I'm the reason you wear those fancy clothes and smell so pretty.

So it's got to be a partnership.

A full suit and tie partnership.

And that's what I'm going to get.

Not allowed in here, Mrs. Morris. You know that.

I shan't be long, Mrs. Thomas.

I'm calling a head nurse.

Do that, if you don't want to keep your job.

Now, dear, we do have to know your name.

And you'll need a lawyer.

A very fine lawyer. And we'll see that you get one.

And Pepper.

And Pepper.

Sounds like Andrews. Oh, Polly, make sure that that runner to Linden Hospital

has an attorney's retainer for him. Yes, Mr. Glamour.

Good morning, Mr. Markson.

That is the last one, Dan.

Larry.

Dear Larry.

You know, you sit on your rump all day and sweet -talk the insurance adjusters.

Is that so bad?

You're just...

Don't seem to understand Marxism, do you?

I have had it here.

I'm fed up.

I'm not practicing law.

I'm shoving manure.

Do you know what Hilda says?

She says you need a seeing -eye dog these days to find a courthouse.

I don't need her to tell me I'm a miserable lawyer. A correction

A rich, miserable lawyer.

Come on.

That's the more brandy, Larry.

Good for the blood pressure.

Oh, and, uh... That tie.

Clashes horribly with that suit.

It's very gauche, Larry.

Well, howdy.

You're late.

Busy day on the freeways.

Cars are bounding around like balls in a pool hole.

You know, I must have handed out eight cars at least.

You'll be hearing something.

Oh, good.

You know, there's one guy.

Car side swipes him.

And all he gets is a cut over the eye.

Stay put, says I.

He says, I'm all right.

I said, like hell you are.

You're going to need a lawyer.

And I'm spent, eh?

Even a jerk like Calhoun.

Want a beer?

No, thanks, Russ.

Well, why the meet?

Washington, he wants in. Full partnership.

You tell him no. No way.

It might be difficult, Russ.

The man is unique.

Isn't he, Hilda?

Yes.

I mean, Russ, do you know any other man who can twist his bones so that his x

-rays look like spaghetti?

Then snap them back into place again?

And the insurance company is meanwhile paying off.

Well, for us.

My vote is no.

No more partners.

Hilda, your vote?

Unique? Yes.

Partnership?

No.

Well, just to make it unanimous, my vote is no.

A democracy knife.

Yeah.

Oh, and Russ, why don't you make Washington's next accident his last one?

Dr. Gary Ballard, please report to the information desk.

Dr. Gary Ballard, information desk, please.

What happened?

Good morning.

You were in an accident, but you're going to be fine, just fine.

But I...

Miss Andrews, we've been unable to locate any identification.

Were you carrying anything?

This just came in.

Was it Peppers?

Mm -hmm.

A messenger just brought it in from the postal inspector's office.

They found it in the mailbox and placed pieces.

ID badge, everything's in it.

Except a gun.

Hi.

You feeling better?

Yes. What's going on over there? Oh, our beloved Samaritan, Mrs. Morris, direct

descendant from Lady Macbeth, is a front for a capping racket.

Ambulance, Jason?

They practically own this place.

That woman probably is an illegal. Well, correction is an illegal.

Morris would know about that.

So she threatens the woman that unless she signs with her lawyers, the

companies would turn her over to the immigration people.

Except it never comes out that way.

Lily, if that's true, why don't you report it to the proper authorities?

Miss Andrews, my big, beautiful husband was just laid off last week.

We've got three beautiful kids.

And hamburger is still almost a buck a beautiful pound.

So you see, I'd like to, but I can't.

Gracias, gracias, chiquita.

Dr. Paul Segunde, room 310, please.

Well, Miss Andrews, how are we feeling today?

We is feeling lousy.

Well, you were pretty much out of it when you signed the retaining form. I

understand. Did I... Did I retain somebody?

An attorney, darling.

La creme de la creme. The best.

See?

Your thumbprint.

Good as a signature.

Why couldn't you have waited?

Because, my dear, there are insurance adjusters, bloodsuckers, leeches, who'd

move in on you before you knew what was happening.

Here. Oh, yes. Right here in the hospital.

Well, then.

I see you later.

Dr. Mike Besser.

Nurse station, third floor, please.

No, it's Leanne Anderson.

Leanne Anderson. That's right. I'm sorry, Sergeant. There's no record of

by that name.

Are you sure?

Yes. There's a...

Andres Concepcion.

Andrews Pepper.

Avalon Manuel.

Wait a minute.

Pepper Andrews? When was she admitted?

On Monday. She was in an accident.

Hit by a truck.

Where was that?

In Tres Cruces.

Is she all right?

I'm sorry. I can't give out that information.

Well, then listen. Why don't you put me through to her?

Sorry, sir. There are no phones in the ward.

Visiting hours are 6 to 8 p .m.

Good evening, Pepper.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Morris.

Now, who was it who said, Roses may beckon toward her, but they speak toward

heaven and God?

Henry Ward Beecher, I think.

Oh, thank you.

And who was it who said, There's nothing worse than hospital soap?

Presto. Made from fine lettuce, infinitely delicate, and for you,

you.

They're lovely.

Uh, Mrs. Morris, do you work on the staff here?

Oh, no.

The Samaritans are a volunteer organization.

But it isn't work to me. I feel it's, well, it's sort of an obligation.

And I'll bet these flowers and things like the soap, you pay for them with

own money.

As the purse is emptied, the heart is filled.

And that is Victor Hugo, and he was so right.

You just ask Mr. Markson someday.

Oh, well, I know Victor Hugo, but...

Who is Mr. Markson?

Daniel Markson. He heads the Samaritans. And if I might say, selflessly.

Pepper?

Herschel, come on in.

Mrs. Morris, this is Herschel Andrew, my husband. Well, my ex -husband.

How do you do? Morris?

Now, I know you two want to be alone for a while. So, Pepper, darling.

Have a pleasant evening, and I'll see you tomorrow. And thank you very much.

Dr. George Freelix, please report to the third floor nurse's station. Herschel?

Herschel Godfrey, my favorite uncle.

Pep, don't you think it would have been a good idea to let us know where you

were? Now, before you say anything, I'm feeling fine, except I'm starving with

this hospital food. What are the chances of your smuggling in a pizza?

From Herschel, you got only chicken soup.

Now, what's that all about?

Sit down.

I got a girl for you.

Roman, your brain's been more than your bones.

You hear what I'm saying?

Do you hear what I'm saying?

I am trying to eat.

You're always eating when you're not being sucked in by those devils.

Get out of this business.

What do you know, woman?

Those people.

They'll chew you up.

Wait and see.

Baby, I don't want nothing happening to you.

Don't you understand?

I'll get it.

Yeah. Roman, my friend.

Mr. Markson.

Hold on.

You were saying?

Yes, I've talked it over with my associates and we've come up with a very

attractive proposition.

Instead of the usual flat fee, we're prepared to offer you a percentage of

the insurance company pays.

Hey, man, you didn't hear me.

I said a full partnership.

I don't think we can do that, Roman. Mr. Markson, I have a little story I want

to tell you.

A month ago, exactly.

I bought me this little tape recorder, see?

Now, I have on tape every call that you've made to me these past 30 days.

I have a feeling, a good feeling, that District Attorney's Office just might

enjoy hearing them, sir.

How about that?

Play with the devil, wind up in hell.

Do you really believe him?

I'd be stupid not to, but we'll handle him.

Come in.

What happened to you?

The rail at your favorite saloon giveaway?

A client.

Summit.

He nearly killed me.

You told me you sent him a settlement.

We sent him a check, Lawrence.

Well, the check bounced.

Every time he hit me, he said, that's for the rent I can't pay this month.

That's for the food I can't buy my family.

Every check we sent out this month bounced.

Hilda, tell Larry our new philosophy about that, will you?

All right.

Uh, Lawrence, if... Very simple, really.

You see, we feel we fulfil our obligation when we write the cheque.

Collecting on it is our client's worry.

I don't believe it. Oh, you better, counsellor, because we make some of them

good.

Sooner or later.

You know, that tie I like. That's much better. Now come along, sit down.

Come on, sit down there.

Read me all the cases pending from Calvin's.

All right.

Oh, Amelia Squester.

She's suing for 20 ,000.

Company offer, 1 ,000. Take it.

Next, Hilda.

Vincent Lombard suing for 8 ,000. Offer 500.

Settle it. That won't even pay the hospital cost. The claim is against the

not against us. Let them sue him.

You can't do that.

The defender of humanity.

Now that, Larry, is what a good lawyer should be.

But we all know that you're not a good lawyer.

That you are an ambulance chaser and a shyster. And therefore I must assume

the reason for your distress is not the welfare of your clients.

But for your cut of the tape, it would be 600 and not 6 ,000.

You still want to leave, Counselor?

His ethics are as shaky as his.

They'll put him away someday if they don't plough him out of a gutter first.

I'm used to ploughing him out of a gutter.

I don't believe it.

Well, no wonder you can't keep a maid.

What are you doing?

I'm just working my way through the police academy, ma 'am.

Bill, do me a favor.

Go home.

Just go home, okay? No, oh, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute.

After you taste my coffee.

Sit yourself down over here.

Is that anything dirty?

Herschel, this is very sweet of you. I thought so.

How was your first night at home?

Lots better than the hospital.

Did you find out anything?

Well, I got them all working on.

Like who?

Well, like for starters, the hospital authorities, the better health services,

the district attorney's office, the bar association.

I even talked to a claims investigator.

Would you believe 270 million bucks paid out last year in auto accident claims

on loan in this city?

About 10 % of those were phonies. That's about 27 million bucks. That's a lot of

money. That's a lot of felony.

Yeah.

Listen, drink up your coffee, and then I'm going to help you pack off and get

back on that vacation.

Where was it you said you were going? Remember that place I... Huh?

Very cute.

You almost had me.

Now, we're going to wait on the vacation. I've got a couple of ideas I

talk to you about. Oh, but first, Bill.

Yeah?

Would you be terribly upset if I made a fresh pot of coffee?

You'd love it if it was in a paper cup.

Yeah, and what else, Miss Johnson?

There's Miss Andrews here to see you. Says she has an appointment.

Oh, yes, Andrew.

Oh, and phone my tailor and tell him I'm sending back the gray suit.

A cuff is supposed to caress a Gucci knot.

Hide it.

Come in.

Come in. Sit down, please.

Thank you.

Mrs. Morris told us to expect you, but she didn't tell me to expect such an

attractive young lady.

Well, I've been looking through your file, and I must say it's certainly

substantial. I can guarantee you a settlement of $10 ,000, maybe more.

Sounds fine.

I said $10 ,000.

I heard you.

It's beautiful.

Bavarian, isn't it?

Yeah.

Exquisite.

That's one of the few remaining pieces.

Are you an attorney, Mr. Markson?

Um, no.

No, I'm, uh... I'm more of a... engineer.

Can I fit the right pieces together?

The right attorney for the right client, the right medical report from the right

doctor.

Very nice.

Efficient.

Yes, we think so.

It's really remarkable.

What? That it all started with your card.

The one Mrs. Morris gave me in the hospital.

She's very helpful.

I'm sure.

Uh, Dan.

Is it all right if I call you Dan, or do you prefer Daniel?

It's your preference.

Dan, isn't it true that most accident victims are men?

Well,

now, let's face it.

Mrs. Morris is not going to win any prizes for personality.

So, picture a more vivacious girl working for you.

Someone who could smile, use a little body action.

Nothing. Promiscuous, you understand, but...

But to you, sir?

You could say that.

Why?

Well, you see, I've never really had an opportunity to do anything with my life

or myself.

And now I want a lot of things.

A lot of...

I'm sure I'd be very good for you.

Oh, I'm sure you would, too.

It's just that, um... We do some things here that are not quite, um...

Well, you know?

Oh, yes, I know.

And maybe that's, uh... One of the things that attracts me. Who knows?

Well, just say we could work something out.

You realize you'll be working with me and Mrs. Morris.

She's a part of me, isn't she?

No problem.

Okay.

Done.

Now, these are our specialties.

Footplash.

Lower back.

brain. Of course, we have skull fracture and brain concussion.

One of our best sellers.

I bet.

I mean, it all looks so profitable.

Now, in here, you'll find examples of a dozen scenarios which we teach our

patients. Open to page three, please.

All right.

I'm the examining physician. You're the patient.

What seems to be wrong, Mrs. Eckers?

I can't move my right arm, and there's a heavy feeling in my legs.

What do you mean by a heavy feeling?

There are times when I can't feel anything at all, as if, oh, dear God,

paralyzed. Thank you.

Very good.

Well, that's only the beginning of the threat.

That's the way it looked when it came in.

That can't be the same car.

Sure is.

Explain a setup to her, Ross.

Well, as you can see, we've got the latest facility.

You know, I can buy a bus and park any made car.

I put them on for the adjuster, and I take them off.

And then we slip 50 -50 with the happy arms.

You like it?

Love it.

Well, I think you're ready for a little field trip.

Hello, mobile.

Call the highway patrol.

This is an emergency.

There's been an accident two miles west of Barron on S -19.

Send an ambulance immediately.

Well, this will be good for a 5 ,000 or 6 ,000 insurance settlement easy.

Not bad for an afternoon's work. I love it.

All set.

Sure am. Mustn't disappoint the highway patrol, must we, gentlemen?

Hilda, here are the stats on our friend Washington.

He's going to have slight brain damage and a heavy pain in his right arm.

The insurance sheets are here.

And Hawkins has got the write -off sheet on the car.

I expect him around about 6 o 'clock. Give or take.

Fine.

There's gold in them there, Ward.

Real gold. That's amazing. I've never seen anything like it. I'm happy you're

impressed. Oh, she starts Monday.

Okay. Right, end of the tour for today.

Where's the cocktail hour?

Good. Have a nice evening, Hilda.

I know a lovely little place by the beach.

Drive down there, have a couple of drinks, and then... What's your, uh...

your favorite food?

Uh, I feel like Chinese.

Well, it just happens I know this other terrific place.

Which has the best seaweed dumplings.

Get away too fast, Hazen.

Yes, ma 'am. I haven't seen her in three or four years. She came out as a

rookie. Just before I retired from the police force.

Eh, maybe she'll come back.

A cop, Daniel.

A cop.

How was I supposed to know?

Now, look.

You know, this lady friend of yours, Markson, she is a problem.

Just like Washington's a problem.

If those two ever get together, we're... Except they're not going to get

together, because we've got to find a way to shut them both up.

And between us, surely we can.

Oh, I didn't know anybody was still here.

I just came to borrow a cup of vodka.

On the wagon from gin, Counselor.

Take it and go home.

Washington and the Cop.

What are you doing here?

Mr. Markson suggested I catch up.

What about you?

Oh, I spent the night here.

It's as good a place as any, I guess.

Are you all right, Mr. Carter?

No, no, I'm not all right.

Thank you.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Pepper.

Pepper Andrews.

I'm a new employee. Didn't Mr. Markson tell you?

They know about it.

Markson and the others.

Know what?

That you're a cop.

Real name, Anderson.

You are in real trouble, Miss Anderson.

Peace. You're in early, aren't you?

Very early, I'd say.

Yes, I figured I'd get started. No, pal.

That's exactly what I need today.

Your help.

And if you thought yesterday was fascinating...

Thank you.

Looking nice, guarantee.

Partner.

Partner it is.

Morning, Mr. Martin.

You're about to be initiated into the classic technique of the rear ender.

And this is the best in the business.

Roman Washington, this is Pepper Ann.

Russ Hawkins, Pepper Ann. Howdy.

These two poor lot of souls you don't need to know about, except they are

important for one thing.

I've ensured them both to the hill.

When you get out of there. Mr. Martin, will you sign those time sheets for me?

Take over, Roman.

All right, gentlemen.

Listen up. Oh, no.

We're going to take a little ride.

We're getting in the car. We'll take a little ride.

I'll be scouting for a good prospect.

What do I do?

You will help me look for a good car.

One you could bet is insured to the hilt and driven by two ladies, naturally

talking, just gabbing away.

Then all I do is draw up next to the car, then cutting front, jam on the

and slam -bang them two ladies into our tail.

You know what happened this morning?

I opened this trunk and some dummy put all this extra gasoline in this trunk

forgot to take it out.

Can you imagine that with the gasoline shortage?

Okay?

Now, just as soon as we get hit, you two stand up and block out what's going on

up front.

Okay? And that's when you and I swap seats.

Why? Because, Miss Pepper, it's an undeniable fact that ladies are lousy

drivers.

Pepper, let's get going.

Come on.

Here.

Stop the car. What's wrong?

They fed us up. Who? Hawkins and Markson.

This is a fed up.

Now what's this all about?

You two get out.

Just stay put.

Please, call this thing off.

The only thing I'm calling off is you, woman.

What?

Get out. No. Out.

They went on the freeway There

My name is Myrtle Washington.

I'd like to speak to an officer in charge of investigations.

Ambulance chasing.

Mr. Calhoun, you okay?

Yes, yes, yes. I just wanted to see a pretty face again.

That's all.

Is Mr.

Markson in?

No, I don't expect him in today.

May I tell him to drop by?

Please.

How about Mr. Calhoun?

Yes. Would you mind buzzing him?

Well, that's Washington's apartment.

Oh, yeah.

Do you want me to go with you to break the news to her?

No, I'll do it.

I'll check in when you're gone.

Okay.

12 -Y -50, you have a note to call Deputy D .A. Gaynor regarding your grand

case.

Right, I know about that.

Listen, what's the condition of those two females injured in the freeway

accident?

There's a Mrs. Myrtle Washington here to see you regarding the case you're

working.

Mrs. Washington is in my office now?

Yes.

Talk about great timing. I just sent Sergeant Anderson up to her apartment to

tell her about her husband.

Police department, Mrs. Washington.

Mrs. Washington, I'm from the police department. Sergeant Anderson.

Thank you.

You there.

You hear me?

Who is this?

Myrtle Washington.

My husband's dead. Did you know that?

No, I didn't. Well, dead's dead.

And I got those tape things of his.

Got them all.

That man burned a blank one.

You understand?

Yes. You bring me $10 ,000, else I'll take him to the police.

Here.

Now, I'll be at your office at exactly 10 .30.

Well, the office isn't open at that time. Well, open it.

And you be there.

And you tell Mr.

Markson I said he'd better be there, too.

My man.

Burned the Bauhaus.

Killed my man.

Just give me the money that we talked about.

I got the tapes. Here they are.

Just $10 ,000 and they're yours.

Come on out. I know you hear me.

Come on out, Mrs. Morris.

All right, lady.

Hold it right there. You're wasting it.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

If you're lucky, I don't want to kill you.

Let's go.

As okay as I can be.

What's happened?

No place to go?

No man waiting for me?

This Eskimo draws himself up to his full height and says that's a lot of work.

That's funny. That's very funny, Dad. How about a nightcap, eh? Excuse me, Mr.

Markson.

Friend of mine, Bill Crowley. Sergeant Bill Crowley.

Oh, Sergeant Crowley, this is Senator Dayton.

You're under arrest, Mr. Markson.

What the devil is this all about?

This man is under arrest for conspiracy to commit murder.

Let's go, Markson. One minute. Look, Sergeant.

I don't know whether you know who I am or not, but I am a senator.

And this man is a very close personal friend of mine.

Is he? Yes, he is.

And I have a lot more very close personal friends in the department.

Well, Senator, unless you want to ride along with your very close personal

friend here, I suggest you just sit there and finish your brandy. Let's go,

Marshal. I'll be about an hour, okay? Oh, I'm afraid you won't, Dan.

Hilda told us everything.

Good. You know, I would buy your dinner if we didn't have to rush back and fill

out all those reports.

I knew you'd get out of it.

I've got news for you.

Not we.

They're your reports.

I've got four days left. I've got to get home, pack those bikinis, and get to

Scottsdale.

Scottsdale? Hey, listen, kid.

I could stand a little sun. What do you say I grab my bikinis and I'll go with

you? William.

When you spring for an all -expenses trip to Acapulco, then you go with me.

Uh, first class.

I don't look too good in a bikini anyway.

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