Original subtitles

Miriam, don't you look lovely? A vision in blue.

Oh, thank you.

I see you in a hurry. I'll get right to it.

Let's get divorced.

Where's Selma?

She's in Naboca till May.

Good, good. Have a seat.

We won't be a minute.

I bought a little rugelach.

Raspberry, your favorite. I haven't forgotten.

No, no, thank you, but I'm due to play bridge, and my partner is going to be

here any minute, so... Oh.

I made a special trip.

What, you drove to Outagamey? Ten miles just for rugelach? For you, my dear.

No, no, no, no, no. I am going to play bridge.

Oh.

Nobody makes these like Melvin.

Two sticks of butter in each batch, he told me.

Well, anyway, let's look over these divorce papers. No reason to prolong

Oh, by the way, did you hear?

Dorothy Budwin called off the wedding.

No.

Ten minutes before the ceremony, Sol's kids pull out a prenup.

And then she says...

My rich partner.

Miriam, don't you look lovely.

Oh, no.

If I were inclined to cliche, I'd say you were a vision in bloom.

I'm the last to know.

Everyone knew.

It's been going on for weeks.

Nobody told me.

They were talking about me, laughing at me.

That old senile fool, Wombo.

Ah, no one was laughing, Doug.

Don't be paranoid.

Anyway, Hal's an all right guy.

That too, Henry.

You know his name? Well, I, uh... I was, um, waiting for the

opportune moment to... To what?

Stab me in the back?

You knew all week that I had a plan of confronting Miriam with a divorce.

You know, hand her a Danish, pour out the wombo charm, woo her under the guise

of divorcing her. Look, I told you right then that I thought it was a

ridiculously devious way... You knew.

I tried everything to talk you out of it, if you'll recall.

You didn't tell me anything, Henry.

You knew. You looked me in the eye and you deceived me and I trusted you.

I didn't think you could handle it, Doug.

His name is Hal Flusterman.

He moved here about a month ago.

Retired stockbroker.

Widowed. He used to be at Cutter Sloan Brokerage in Chicago.

He's all right.

He and I played bridge the other night.

You played bridge with him?

Let it go, Doug.

Get on with your life.

For the past three months, you've been pretending you don't care, imagining on

some level that if you ignore this separation, it'll go away.

And you seem to need to believe this so badly that none of us could stand to

burst your bubble.

You want the truth?

I don't think she's coming back.

I'm telling you this as a friend.

Move on, Doug.

I'm supposed to believe you?

He was convinced that everyone at the station knew? Well, if you ever did

it, I knew you knew.

I knew.

How did you know?

Everyone knew.

Well, his reaction just seemed so extreme.

You calling Kimberly at school, accusing her of knowing?

She did know about it. The way he was pumping her for information.

He's jealous. He's upset.

Think how you'd feel about it. Yeah, but he's old.

That changes anything?

You mean it doesn't?

I'm going to be 95 and still be wondering whether Julie Stern gave me

in the cafeteria because she was a thing for me or because I spilled gravy on

her shirt.

She'll probably be dead by then.

It just doesn't sound right, Jimmy. I mean, he's probably fine, but MS can

dementia. He's not demented, Jimmy. Well, I know, but he sounds a little

irrational, and stress can bring that on.

It's probably nothing, but in case he needs medication, I wish I could get him

into my office on some pretext. Of course, he's so paranoid at this point,

probably think I'm up to something.

Miriam.

A word.

Excuse me.

What's he doing there?

You play bridge all day now. How nice.

I personally rarely have time for a game due to the fact that I'm gainfully

employed. Now, what's he doing in Rome anyway?

He came for the fishing.

He came for the fishing. What kind of a line is that? Why'd he really come here?

You never trust anyone.

It's a cockamamie story.

What does he do all day? He doesn't fish.

He manages his money.

All day he manages his money? All day?

His other people, he's a retired stockbroker.

You gave him money.

Of course I didn't give him money. What, do you think I am crazy?

Do I take his advice? Yes, yes, I take his advice. And do you know what?

I am projecting an 18 % increase in this next quarter.

Oh, my God.

It's a lot better, don't you think, than what we were doing with your caution

and your dabbling and your T -bills?

You gave him money.

How much money did you give him? I don't have to justify everything to you. It

just so happens to be my money.

Let's not deal with that.

You're paying him a percentage, that boyfriend of yours?

I am not.

Oh, you're saying he doesn't charge you. He just gives you his advice, a

stockbroker from Cutter's Loan Free.

Now, why would he do that?

Because he's a good man, because he's a friend.

He is charming, he's kind, he's intelligent, he's warm.

And he talks to me. He doesn't talk at... Me?

He even listened to me. If you wanted me to listen, why didn't you say so?

I can listen as well as anybody.

Talk, and I'll listen.

Douglas.

I've fallen in love with him.

I, uh... I want to see your statements.

It's my money, too.

For the first time in years, I'm happy.

Please, Douglas, please, don't ruin this for me.

What's this?

Miriam's investment statements from Cutter Sloan. Turns out he's acting as a

broker. He opened an account for her.

Here's some beverage companies.

Anybody could figure out that those stocks are undervalued. I could have

them too, but my broker, he recommended against it.

18%. So we had a good month.

It's my money we're talking about. We're not even divorced yet.

$20 ,000 of my money. Well, with those returns, I let it mature with her for a

few years.

He's a talented stockbroker.

You're a talented lawyer?

Grow up.

What does a man like that want with Miriam Mambo?

I settled for her 42 years ago. Her father sold luggage.

She was nothing to look at even back then.

Then why did you bother with her?

I was new in town.

She was easy to talk to.

But a man like Klosterman, he could get anybody.

He's got a scheme. He's up to something.

Her money is passing through his hands.

You are paranoid.

What you said yourself that he's not charging her the checks are made out to

cutter Sloan So what possible profit could he be making he likes her that's

Is that so hard to believe?

You did what?

I was driving along innocently, minding my own... Are you insane?

You were lying in wait outside here for him? I happened by.

I just wanted to talk to him.

Oh, you followed him. Oh, my God.

You ought to be grateful.

Doug, I'm worried about you. He's got a floozy, Miriam.

I saw it with my own eyes.

And he's keeping her at that no -tell motel. He doesn't stay at a motel. He

stays at the Crestwood Arms Condo. Ah, sure, sure.

And when he's in London, he's staying at Buckingham Palace.

How do you know he's staying at the Crestwood?

I've been there.

For business purposes. What? I don't have to explain myself to you.

You won't rest until you ruin this for me, will you, Douglas? You don't believe

me? Well, then come see for yourself.

Okay.

Show me. Wait a minute.

Ha!

Come on, come on. I know you're in there, you two -timing. You'll see.

Was room 103.

I swear they went into room 103.

Jojo! I, uh... Some floozy.

He's here somewhere, Miriam. I know it.

Oh, maybe it was room 104.

Douglas, when was the last time you went to the doctor?

He was here. I saw him. I know what I saw.

Douglas, get help, for God's sake.

Come on.

I don't know.

I saw him over there.

This is difficult.

No rap sheet.

You sure that's the right Harold Klusterman?

Nobody listed under Hal? Got it off DMV. He's the only Harold Klusterman in the

Chicago area with a birthday anywhere in that range.

The info also matches the security trading license we looked up. He's

He's licensed. No record of any security violations.

I'm going to check complaints run through the SEC.

Sometimes insider tradings are handled in arbitration.

Doug.

Don't take this the wrong way, okay? But are you sure?

You think I'm seeing things.

I'm saying it was dark. You were upset.

I know what I saw.

You think I'm losing it?

No.

Nobody would say anything to my face anymore.

Tiptoeing around me, whispering about me. For God's sakes, have the courtesy

look me in the eye and give me the goods.

The goods, Kenny!

I think you could use a little time in Miami.

Catch some rays and drink something with a little paper umbrella in it.

The hell with all of you.

The bat.

Cutter.

Loan. Two, five, zero, zero, zero.

Look at that. It hardly fits in the box.

Pearl, I can't let you do that. It's too much.

You should never risk more in the market than you can stand to lose.

I'm not risking anything.

I sold off my utilities.

But those are blue -chip stocks, Pearl.

I urge you to hold on to them.

I trust you.

And I want 18%. And I'm going to buy that cute little condo in Boca right

to Thelma.

No more hard winters for me.

And when Douglas sees the returns you're getting, that'll really put him over

the edge. Hey, come on. He's not over the edge.

He's insanely jealous of you.

And he follows you everywhere.

He doesn't follow me everywhere. Just one or two places.

I don't know.

Maybe it's the MS or maybe...

I don't know what it is.

I didn't want to tell you.

It's a cruel thing, Senility.

It could happen to any of us.

We just have to live to the fullest every moment of our lives.

We're here.

Yes, we do.

I was just passing by. I thought I'd stop in to say hello.

Jill, in all the 15 years you live in this town, you never once stopped in to

say hello.

Exactly. Isn't that a shame when you think about it, us living in a small

and all?

All right.

All right.

You're here for a reason.

What is it?

Oh, my God. Nobody tells me anything anymore.

Really?

You feel that...

People are hiding things from you?

You're not going to get me with that.

Oh, so you think I'm out to get you? You are out to get me. I know all your

doctor's tricks.

You're going to ask me what year it is, who the president is?

I remember from last time in the hospital.

Do you think I look like a man who doesn't know what year it is? Of course

So since you know, what year is it?

Just say it. Let's get it over with.

1492. Oh, Doug, come on. This is serious.

Who is the president?

Doug, just answer me. I'm only asking you because I care.

You do seem a little paranoid.

All right, well, um... How about this?

What does this mean to you?

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Romeo and Juliet.

Act two, scene two.

I bet not many of my fellow loonies can cough that up.

Another name. What?

He has another name.

How do you know that he's Klosterman? Have you ever seen his picture?

Why, that phony baloney.

Everything he says is a lie.

Trust no one.

Are you sure this is okay for me to be doing this?

It's a matter of public record. Besides, your father is the sheriff, and you're

practically a member of the department.

Keep going.

Okay, coroner's office, certificate of death.

Closterman.

Harold.

Mr. Wambaugh, this is so... Say it, Kimberly.

Crazy.

I understand how you must feel, but... Kimberly.

Look me in the eye.

I'm upset.

My wife for 40 years is seeing another man.

The betrayal is... I hope you never know what it's like.

But I am in touch with reality.

I live by my wits.

And my radar tells me that something is wrong.

I need your help.

Nobody else will believe me.

Oh, my God.

Wesley Baines, FBI.

Looking for Sheriff Brock.

He's dead, of course.

Sheriff Brock?

Over there.

He's dead.

Why, that creep.

He took his name, his reputation, his trader's license, his access to Cutter

Sloan before the paperwork patches up and cuts off his check authorizations.

He's dead.

I'm going to go find Dad.

You're dead.

That's what you are. You're dead.

He's dead.

He's dead.

Oh, hi, Doug.

Harold Klusterman died February 28, 1996 of a cardiac arrest.

And everybody here thinks that I'm crazy. He's dead.

He's dead.

I thought you were going in.

You know, I was going to, but... Carter, what in the hell are you doing?

Who put you up to this?

It was Jill Brock, of course. Not exactly.

Henry Bone, then.

Damn it, Carter, give me the truth and don't patronize me.

It was Jill and Bone.

And Jimmy. And Kenny. Oh, damn it, Carter, please, I'm not crazy.

Klosterman is dead. Of course he is.

Come back to the station. I want you to look at the computer. I think what we

should do is go home, have a nice hot cup of cocoa and a long nap.

Okay.

Okay.

You want to follow me?

Follow me.

Is this Miriam's place?

No.

It's Hal Klosterman's place.

What?

You have Keith at Hal Klosterman's place? No, but Sven Jurgensen did.

Sven who?

Sven Jurgensen.

I defended him on breaking and entering two years ago.

I got him to minimal sentence. He couldn't afford to pay me, so he gave me

tools. All you have to do is match the lock brand and type, and you're in.

God, when I was a kid, I used to dream about having keys like this.

Wait a minute.

We just broke and entered.

How much time did Sven Jergensen get?

Five years with good behavior.

Couldn't we have obtained a search warrant?

Are you kidding? Had I opened my mouth, Henry would have certified me. All of

you would have.

I don't like this. We're going to end up in a cell next to Sven Jurgensen. Don't

worry about him. He's not in jail anymore.

They let him out already. Another inmate stabbed him to death with a cafeteria

fork.

He took their money.

The inmates?

No, Klosterman was taking their money, it says so right here, and not investing

in anything.

Cutter's phone, account number 44907.

Every check in this account is written for Lester Blodgett.

That's how he got their money.

They must have given him power of attorney to purchase stocks.

Instead, he was writing checks to himself.

Obviously not reflected in any of these stock reports.

Well, these are fakes. Anyone with a computer could dummy one of these up.

My God.

This is incredible. He's defrauded.

1993, 1991.

This could be hundreds of thousands of dollars. The rogue moving from town to

town. Let's get a search warrant.

If I were inclined... The closet, quick!

I can't hide in the closet. I'm a county medical examiner. If you want him to

shoot you, he's a criminal, Carter. Come on,

get in the closet.

Miriam,

I, um... I have to go away for a few days.

Where? Chicago.

I'm needed there.

Oh, don't worry, sweetheart. I'll be back soon, I promise you.

If anything should ever happen to me,

just please know, no matter what, I really

do love you.

Doug, shut up.

I really have to tell you.

I'm severely allergic to warbler.

Stand back.

You! Well,

if it isn't Hal Klosterman.

Klosterman. Whatever.

You know, I didn't actually think I'd see you here, seeing as you've been dead

since February 28th.

You're insane.

Am I?

Where's the stock, Hal?

You know what?

There is none, because you've been cashing those checks yourself. You stole

thousands of dollars from my wife, from those elderly women, their pensions,

their life savings, and I can prove it.

Lester?

Lester. Well, what have you got to say for yourself?

Lester?

No!

Oh, God.

Oh, Hal.

He was a rat, Miriam. He lived like a rat and he died like a rat.

I didn't kill him. The truth killed him.

He was killed by the specter of his own vileness. Don't talk to me.

Oh, Miriam.

Carter.

What the hell were you thinking?

Hiding in a closet. You could have been shot to death.

I sent you here to watch it down, damn it. I got carried away.

Any fingerprints?

Something this complicated, you could have accomplices.

Yeah, somebody besides Klosterman touched every document in this file.

Fingerprints here, here, here, all over the desk.

Right. Mine.

Oh, great. Now we have no leads, unaccomplices.

But I do.

Wesley Baines, FBI.

You Sheriff Brock?

Been looking all over for you.

Blodgett was working this con for about five years. Broker from some big

financial firm died. He and his partner snuck in, cleaned out the guy's office

that day.

Stationery, signing power forms, business cards, statements.

Here's the partner.

Lucy Wanamaker.

That's the woman I saw at the Philly motel.

They'd hit on the elderly, the lonely, the vulnerable.

Get one poor sucker to tumble, then they'd... Rope in the friends.

Well, why would the FBI be interested in two small -time con artists?

Well, we've got reason to believe they work for Abe Felsen.

You ever heard of Abe Felsen?

Yeah, he had something to do with Meyer Lansky, right?

He was a bootlegger for him.

He used to operate for him up here in Wisconsin, ran stuff through Canada.

Rumor was the guy was so ruthless, even Lansky was afraid of him.

Heaven, nobody ever actually saw the guy, right?

Well, they say he still lives in a shack somewhere up north, still runs half the

action in Wisconsin.

Oh, come on. He's dead. He's got to be. Prohibition. That was in the 20s. He'd

have to be... He's in his late 90s. That's insane.

One of Lasky's men still out there?

I'm just repeating what they say.

We've been looking for him for a long time.

Well, we'll take Blodgett's body, see if any friends or relatives show up.

We do have some fingerprint evidence, but unfortunately it all leads to your

medical examiner.

Come on. I'll walk you home.

Leave me alone.

He had a bad heart.

It isn't my fault.

How can you blame me for this? I'm the white hat here.

You take everything in my life and ruin it.

But Miriam, he lost $20 ,000 of my money. Oh, yes.

Money.

It always comes around to money with you.

He cheated your friends. Admit it.

You're humiliated. He humiliated you.

And it's easier to take it out on me than on him. Because I'm still here and

he's dead and you can't harangue a corpse.

You killed the man who taught me what romance meant.

He was a criminal.

He was lying to you. Everything he said to you was a lie.

When he told you his name, he was lying.

When he told you he loved you, he was lying.

He made me happy.

He was using you, Miriam.

You were nothing to him but a checkbook.

I knew that.

Thank you so much.

for bringing it to my attention.

You're welcome.

I thought you weren't due back until next week.

I can explain everything.

What?

Klosterman's alive?

Possibly.

Results from the blood sample came in after the FBI already claimed the body.

Extremely high levels of propanol hydrochloride. That's given to heart

to lower blood pressure. He combined it with a very high dose of diazepam. The

combination could lower blood pressure to the point of being undetectable,

virtually. You say he could survive this?

Possibly. You were right there when he dropped!

I know.

You examined him. I know.

I keep going over it in my mind, and the thing is, he started coughing, putting

his hand over his mouth. I think he might have ingested the drugs then.

You pronounced him dead.

Probably a little hasty on my part.

I was agitated, Jimmy.

The man collapsed at my feet. We'd been hiding in the closet.

I wasn't on my game.

Okay,

okay, okay.

What's the status of the body now?

Baines took it, remember?

Fine, we call the FBI before someone... That's another thing. The FBI doesn't

have the body.

You said Baines had it. Well, he does. Well, then we call the FBI. I already

did.

What did he say?

Nothing. I mean, he might have, if the FBI had any record of an employee by

name.

There is no such person as Wesley Baines.

I know it sounds crazy.

Sure, I started out on the con.

But once I got to know you, I... And so, after you revived from the drugs, you

tried to talk your partner into giving you the money so you could return it to

me? Out of remorse?

Because you had fallen in love with me.

And she shot you, but you just kept running through the woods till you got

to me.

You expect me to believe this drivel?

It's the game, Al.

Give it to me straight. You owe me that courtesy.

I may be a sucker, but God help me, I am only a sucker once.

What do you want now? More money? A car?

What?

My God, you hate me.

I hate myself, if that's any consolation. You made a fool of me in

friends, in front of my husband. I wanted to tell you.

So many times, I almost told you.

Oh, I know I'm a liar.

Despicable liar.

It's a compulsion, a power thing.

I was five foot one till I was 16.

They used to stuff me in lockers.

Oh, what does it matter? You probably don't believe that either. Why should

You are the kindest, most generous, most trusting, most real woman I

ever met.

And when I was with you, I felt for the first time that I could dare to be

myself, the real me, not...

Hal Klosterman, Mr.

Moneybags. But me, Lester Blodgett.

I'm a nice guy.

I collect stamps.

I know a million jokes.

God, I sound pathetic.

Anyway.

Here's your money.

Oh, that counted. It's all there.

Good Lord.

All $100 bills.

You're a beautiful person, Miriam.

And you gave me the happiest four weeks of my life.

What was that?

Just a scrape.

Oh, my God.

Oh, don't worry about me. I'm a tough old bird. No, no, no. I'm going to get

to the hospital.

Mr. Baines, right?

FBI. Right.

Thank God. I was worried about Miriam with all this blood. I called her and

there was no answer.

Miriam! Miriam!

Let me.

Miriam!

Sheldon!

Sheldon?

Sheldon?

So do we shoot him here or do we take him into the woods and shoot him?

Let's just shoot him here.

Why bother with the woods?

If the cops find their bodies here, they'll be after us right away.

No bodies, they could go days before anybody reports them missing.

So let's shoot him here and then dump the bodies in the woods.

Yeah, but how do we get him in the car? It's only a two -door, you know.

Oh, for crying out loud, will you quit with the coughing?

Well, this is an honor. I get to die covered in the phlegm of the man who

you what romance is. It's all your fault, Douglas. If you hadn't stuck your

in, we wouldn't be here. What? He would have taken you for everything you had.

You would have... I would have been a liar.

You would have hated yourself for the rest of your life.

Never had a chance to face him.

Never had a chance to tell him what a lying, shameless toady is.

The man who taught you what romance is.

You said that?

Oh, shut up, Hal.

Lester. Whatever.

For crying out loud, will you shoot him or shoot me? So I don't have to listen

to this Camille routine, the man who taught her what romance was after 40

of marriage. Oh, as if that would mean anything to you.

40 years and you never even told me you loved me? You never even told her you

loved her? Oh, shut up, Hal.

Lester. Lester, who the hell cares who you are? Would you just go ahead and

shoot us?

Let's just get this thing over with.

My pleasure.

Oh, in heaven's name. Not until they've made up.

If not for their sakes, Lucy.

For mine.

For ours.

For what you and I once meant to each other.

We meant crap to each other, Hal.

I didn't feel that way.

I'm sorry, Miriam.

For what?

For everything.

For what I said at our anniversary. For, well, I know that I'm not an easy man

to live with, but...

You were always there for me.

Maybe I didn't say so, but... I'm not good at that, but I do, I... All right,

all right, enough already.

Would you let the man talk?

You meant a lot to me.

I want you to know how much you've meant... Good God, just say it, man.

You've got a gun to your head, say it.

I love you. I love you. I love you, Miriam.

More than the moon loves the earth. More than the river loves the ocean. More

than the bitch loves her pups. I love you. I love you. Oh, shut up, Hal.

He can't say it. He's an old dog. He can't change now.

Too much to expect.

Just shoot us.

Oh, I can change. You think I'm too old to change? I think you can change

because we've only got two seconds to live.

Go on, say it.

Miriam, you are part of me, and I am part of you.

And if you deny that, then you might as well deny we ever lived at all.

You think I don't love you, Miriam.

You are my whole life.

Yes, Miriam.

I love you.

Thank God.

That was so beautiful.

Even if it did take up a gun that you had to say it.

Any last words, Lester?

Actually, I... Abe.

Abe? Abe?

You're from the motel.

Abe Pelton?

You're Chinese.

Half. Chinese.

You look great for a guy in his 90s. You killed your own people.

They ditched me and found a lock.

Thought they could run out on me.

Now, is that nice?

Ah.

Paulette, sir.

What's the story?

Fall in love again?

I do, lover.

I do, I swear.

Yeah, yeah.

You love them all.

Nice buzz.

I can still shoot the mites off of a flea's butt.

Protect Velma Waterford. Forget Velma.

It's the arthritis.

Abe.

I was loyal, Abel. I was going to give the money to you.

You know, after all we've been through. What you and I once meant to each other.

You're a pathological liar, Lester.

Yeah. I'm going to take care of you first.

And then I'll do the two lovebirds.

Oh, there's God. is my judge. I really did love you. Shut up, Lester.

May I just say one word before?

I merely thought you might want to be aware that though we may be a bunch of

hasties out here in Rome, well, no comparison to a man who cut his teeth

Bialansky. And I admit, you played us all here like a whole section of violins

in a pretty shabby orchestra.

Sooner or later, we do catch on.

Yes, I do have a point.

It's being that Sheriff Brock and about 50 deputies are just outside that window

right now, and it might go easier for you if you don't add another three

to your body count.

I thought you were kicking me. Please, drop it. All right, all right, all

all right, all right.

You're under arrest, Lester.

You're under arrest, Lester.

Watch that step there.

I'm sorry about everything.

I'm trying to understand how you must feel, even though I don't.

I'm an old dog, Miriam.

Maybe I am too old to change. I don't know.

I don't always listen.

I don't always understand.

Well, nobody's perfect.

We weren't always happy, I know that.

But we had our moments.

Maybe you could have done better.

Maybe I did my best. Maybe I didn't. I don't know. I was myself. What could

anyone be? I'm impossible.

Miriam, I haven't slept in months, not since you left.

I haven't slept so well myself.

I won't let us die without a fight.

Just give me that.

Okay.

How about we go for a walk out?

I'll buy you coffee.