Original subtitles

Sue.

Carter. Sue.

Carter.

Sue.

Carter.

Sue. What?

This is the good part coming up.

Carter, why would you make love to me?

Because... Because I'm a virgin?

I want to give myself to you.

Who? I'm a woman, Carter, not some idealized abstraction.

My loins cry out for you.

Oh, my God.

I've waited and waited for true love, Carter, and it's you.

Call me old -fashioned, but I don't want to ravish you until we're married.

I know it may sound stupid. We're getting married?

Huh?

What was that, four?

Five. But who's counting?

You know, I'm really glad we started dating again.

Yeah, there's nothing like a good date.

Don't you think Carter and Sue are incredibly brave?

Yeah, I'll give them a year tops.

Yeah, what is the divorce rate these days, one and two?

First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

Yeah. How do people like themselves get sucked into that trap?

What's the point?

Talk about commitment.

What?

Nothing.

So Carter finally succumbed to the pressure, huh?

Maybe. He loved her.

I hear they're going to have a big wedding in the park.

Sue wants an old -fashioned dress.

Oh, and they're going to take tango lessons for their first dance. Tango?

They're going ring shopping today.

Do you remember when we went shopping for rings?

It was raining and we didn't have an umbrella, and that crazy woman, she

wouldn't take our check, so I had to pay.

Didn't I give you my mother's ring?

No, that was Lydia.

By the way, we were going to renew our marriage vows. Whatever happened to

Uh, I got shot in the ass in the line of duty, remember?

We weren't really serious about that. You weren't serious? You weren't

Shuffle ball change, shuffle ball change, flap, flap, flap.

What's this?

Chinkelli Festival at school. I'm in charge.

What's the point in renewing the vows? Everyone knows we're married.

It's a statement, Jimmy. It's a reaffirmation of Zachary. Zach!

I'm talking to your father here.

And I'm talking about a legend.

Chinkelli's dead.

Anyone care?

Honey, look, if you really want to do this... Maybe we could do that at 20th.

could have a big party and... We've got to go to work.

Yeah, well, maybe you just caught him at a bad time.

You know, I think the staff is taking too much overtime.

You're just so... tuned out.

You know, I might as well be talking into my dictaphone.

Is this yours?

Yeah.

The house is a mess.

He refuses to put the seat down.

Oh, and do you think that Jimmy could ever go to the market?

No.

What? Do you know that we've been sitting here about an hour, and all you

talk about is how unhappy you are with your husband? Oh, I'm not unhappy. It's

just I'm unhappy.

Look, Jill, I'm telling you this as your friend and your partner.

Your marriage is in trouble.

I know. I've been there. I know the danger signs.

First you stop communicating, then you kind of go your separate ways, and

soon you just stop caring.

You make me feel so young.

You make me feel like spring has sprung.

And every time I see you grin, I'm... I'm such a happy individual.

The moment that you speak.

I want to go play hide and seek.

I want to go... Zach.

Son, please.

Zach. Zach, of course I love Gene Kelly, but I'm not going to pay 300 bucks for

a commemorative umbrella.

Period. Zach.

Son, I'll see you tonight.

Mary Ann, what can I do for you?

Oh, well, I was working in Thelma's garden because, you know, she's in Boca.

I thought, well, I'll get started with the spring planting.

So I was putting in some onions and I found this.

A bag.

No, no, no.

A shoe.

I think it's a foot.

So,

Carter, what have we got? It's a goldmine, Jimmy. We just keep finding

What do you mean? See, assorted phalanges, probably fingers and toes, a

of metatarsals.

That's odd.

Three femurs?

How many bodies are you talking about?

The fewest people I can make out of these is two.

Two bodies buried in the backyard? Maybe three.

Okay, keep your eyes out for another femur.

So, three bodies in Selma Ruppenthal's backyard, huh?

I'm sorry?

Selma Ruppenthal, three bodies in her yard?

Oh, possibly, yeah.

I love this town.

So I had a great idea. Remember we talked about going away, just the two of

Yeah. I dropped by Rome Travel on my lunch hour.

Got some pamphlets.

Hawaii.

It's a little expensive for a vacation for just the two of us, isn't it?

You know, you're right.

If we're going to spend all this money, let's spend it on a marriage counselor.

What? You never listen to me. You mope around the house. You won't go away

with me. Oh, Jill.

Do we have to go through this again?

Jimmy, we need professional help. We don't. We have a problem. Our marriage

fine. Your perception is the problem. Oh, really?

I don't know where the hell this is coming from. People go through these

all the time.

You're overreacting. I am not overreacting.

This is our marriage. Don't you think it deserves a little discussion?

Well, of course it does.

Why bring a stranger into it? Because we need it. We don't seem to be able to

fix it ourselves.

Fix what, Jill? It's not broken.

I'm not happy, Jimmy.

And someone we don't know is going to come in and solve the problem? No,

no way.

I'm not going to let some shrink come in here and pontificate about our

marriage.

Fine.

Jean Kelly?

Or Fred Astaire?

And Cherie.

Who's he? Honey, I'm going to go stay with Joey for a couple of days, okay?

Jill?

I have nothing to do with you. I love you very much. My number's on the

refrigerator. I'll call you tomorrow to check on you, okay?

What if...

As body parts continue to sprout from Selma Ruppenthal's garden, the search

the backyard butcher goes on.

Sources close to the investigation say partial remains of at least three bodies

have been unearthed so far.

Ruppenthal, who's been wintering in Boca Raton, Florida, returned today and was

immediately whisked here to speak with Rome Sheriff James Brock.

I can't believe that you are asking me these questions.

Selma.

Can you think of any reason why there might be body parts in your garden?

You know, I'm out of town a lot.

Maybe somebody snuck in while I was gone.

Thelma, we've been trying to contact your ex -husband, Ivan.

Now, do you have any idea where we might get in touch with him?

You don't have to answer that.

Does she, Jimmy? You don't think that I had anything to do with his

disappearance, do you? No, nothing.

Selma, no one's pointing any fingers at you here.

Although it is kind of coincidental that you've been married three times and all

of your husbands are missing and presumed dead.

I don't believe this. Just because my best friend finds a bunch of bones in my

vegetable garden, suddenly I'm being accused of murder.

No one's accusing you of anything, Selma.

Arrest this woman.

Carter. Voila!

These dentures were excavated from Thelma Ruppenthal's backyard this

Jimmy. I checked the dental records. They belong to her first husband, Frank

Lipinski. She killed him. She did away with all of them. I'd stake my

on... Jacques Hughes!

Thelma Ruppenthal! Jacques Hughes!

Jimmy! He could be a serial killer, Jimmy. I'm not going to deputize it. I'm

going to deputize it. Get out!

Look at that guy. He's a wreck.

This wedding thing is going to kill him, mark my words.

Oh, you know, they say married men live longer.

They do?

Yeah, it's the married women who die younger.

Wow. People really don't know what they're getting themselves into, do

Yeah.

So, Max.

Kenny. Do you want to give it a shot?

What? Do you think we could make it work?

Kenny, are you asking me to marry you?

Yeah, I guess I am.

Kenny. What am I saying? This is nuts. No.

It's not nuts.

It's just I need a little time to think about it, you know?

Okay.

Give me a call.

Sure.

Sure?

I accept.

Oh.

Okay.

Listen to her.

All I ever do is listen to her.

Did she put you up to this?

Daddy, I know you don't want this to be a big deal, but she's very unhappy.

I've never seen her so unhappy.

Well, now you know how I feel.

Never mind.

Your mother and I will work it out. We always have.

Jimmy. What?

We've got something to tell you.

Leeds and Selma's husband. So, you're going to talk to her, right?

Kim. Jimmy.

What? We're getting married.

Do we... What?

We're engaged.

Well, congratulations.

Whoa. Thanks, Jimmy. It means a lot. Stop.

And we would like you to be the best man and Jill to be the matron of honor.

Daddy. Oh, stop it. And we won't let it get in the way of our jobs.

Oh, yeah, right. And if you think there's a problem, then we will just

off. Just tell us. Just say the word. No, no, fine.

No, uh, marriage, huh?

Well, we've told somebody. I guess this makes it official.

Yeah.

Hello?

Okay, okay.

We need to talk.

Okay,

it's been two days.

You made your point. Come home.

That was heartfelt.

Come on, Jill. What do you want me to say?

Nothing. I don't want you to say anything because whenever you open your

you just make it worse.

You want me to say, uh, I miss you?

Okay, I miss you.

Now come on home.

That's all you have to say?

No.

No, that's not all I'm going to say.

How about...

I have nothing to apologize for.

I'm a damn good husband.

I work my ass off every day, and lately I've been coming home and taking more

crap than anyone I know. Keep your voice down. What do you think it's like to

live with you? No, no, no. Let's just stick with you.

What was that insanity at Zach's birthday party? Are you bringing that up

You threw his birthday cake against the wall.

I have nothing to apologize for.

Well, you guys, we can kind of hear you here in the next room.

Okay.

Therapy.

You want to go to therapy?

Why don't you be my guest? You go right ahead.

But count me out.

I don't need to pay some quack a hundred bucks an hour to have him tell me

what's wrong with more marriage.

It's you and your unrealistic expectations.

You want so damn much.

And all I do is fail you.

I'm sick of it.

Well, that makes two of us.

100 % cotton, right?

Okay, hang on.

Hi, Sue?

Yeah, I got Buddy Runts on the other line. They say that we can have the

lavender cloth with lace overlay, no extra cotton.

So, here's the question. Do we want the lace or cotton napkin?

Well, it's important to me. I don't want the table to look too fussy.

Okay, okay, fine, I'll handle that.

And don't forget, we have cake tasting later.

Well, because people look forward to cake.

Okay. Right.

Okay, I love you, too. Bye.

Hey, man.

Hi, Carter.

Hi, buddy. Yeah. Um, cotton.

Okay. Right. Bye.

Oh, boy. I'll tell you, planning a wedding is a full -time job.

Yeah, I know. I've been making a few plans myself. Oh, Beth, could you put

femurs in the washer and sort the phalanges?

Um, plan?

Kenny and I are getting married.

What?

Are you serious?

Well, that's great. This is fantastic.

You're getting married. I'm getting married. It's not because of you,

You guys were our inspiration.

Sort of.

Let's have a double wedding.

Oh, wow.

Oh, no, we can't. Kenny's Catholic. He's going to want to be Catholic. That's no

problem. We'll have a priest. We'll have nuns. We'll have altar boys. The more,

the merrier. Well, what about Sue? Won't she mind? Are you kidding? Sue loves

you guys. Why would she mind?

Because it's our wedding.

You didn't even ask me, Carter.

I thought it was supposed to be my day in the sun, like Maria in The Sound of

Music or Elizabeth Taylor in Father of the Bride.

Well, it'll still be our wedding. There'll just be two other people there,

intimate friends who want to share their happiness.

Well, they're not intimate friends of mine.

Well, now's your chance to get to know them a little better.

I have to confess, I'm a little bewildered by your reaction, Sue. I

anybody should be upset by the idea, it should be Max.

Max? Well, she's going to have to stand up there next to you.

Imagine how that's going to make her feel.

Oh, sure, she's a beautiful woman in a flinty peroxide kind of way, but Max

can't hold a candle to your kind of beauty.

Carter. Well, it's true.

Forget about it.

Absolutely not.

Douglas, please. Under no circumstances will I represent that woman.

She's a shrew, a termagant, whatever she gets, she deserves.

There is no evidence linking her to these bodies.

Except they found them in her own backyard. That was some sort of dreadful

coincidence. Please, Douglas, she needs you.

Selma Rupenthal.

She mates, she kills.

I'm getting a permanent shutter.

Douglas.

We've been getting on pretty well lately, haven't we? What's that got to

anything? Yes or no.

We've been clicking, huh?

It's been nice.

It's been better than nice.

I mean, that little reconciliation we had last Saturday night.

Miriam. You enjoyed that, didn't you?

Miriam. I assume that in the future you would enjoy more reconciliations.

Douglas Wombo for The Black Widow.

Wow.

I never thought I'd be wearing one of these.

Me either.

I mean me, not you.

I hope I'm not making a mistake.

I mean, I know I'm not making a mistake. I want this. I love Kenny.

Everything's going to be okay, right?

Right. You know, I know what everybody's saying, that I'm a lot smarter than

Kenny. But that's not true. Kenny's smart in his own way.

And thank God we've always been sexually compatible, and that is very important.

You know what I mean?

Well, turn. Not really.

You see, Carter and I have never... You're not a...

Yes, I am. How old are you?

I'm 34.

I didn't think that was possible.

I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that.

But, well, aren't you taking a risk?

I mean, what if you and Carter don't, you know, what if... What if you aren't

good fit?

Carter and I love each other, Max.

Isn't that enough?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Max.

Are you sure this is what you want us to wear?

I love it.

Maybe in another color.

Yeah, or maybe on a different body.

I'm sorry. I don't think this is a very good day for me to be doing this.

Jill, what's wrong?

Jimmy and I just split up.

I'm sorry.

Don't let me ruin your day.

This changes everything.

What everything?

If Jimmy and Jill can't make it, what hope is there for us?

You're right.

Maybe it's a sign.

Yeah, like, do not enter.

Or no exit.

Kenny, wait.

We can't freak out about this. Who knows what's going on with them? They're from

a completely different generation than we are.

True.

I think the key here, if we're going to do this, is not to think.

I prefer that.

Don't think. Just do. Just get on the roller coaster and let her rip.

Yeah. Don't think.

Despite Miss Rubenthal's outward expressions of grief, she has never

to claim the payoff of her husband's insurance policy, even before the poor

was officially declared dead.

Still, she might have gotten away with her crime if it hadn't been for dentist

Stanley Heffelfinger.

Unfortunately, Ms. Rubenthal did not anticipate that Dr. Heffelfinger would

records showing that Frank Lipinski was the owner of a very unusual type of

denture, a denture made with triethyl polypro, a special blend that he created

and used only during the years of 1979 through 1981.

Six pair were made.

One of those pair...

was sold to Frank Lipinski.

Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you Frank Lipinski's dentures.

And I ask you this.

Does a man leave on a pleasure cruise without his teeth?

Mr. Poncevella, when you moved, to whom did you sell your house?

Oh, a nice young couple.

Selma and Frank Lipinski.

Mm -hmm.

Tell me, Mr. Panzarella, do you wear dentures?

Yep, sure do.

Did you wear them at the time when you lived on Echo Brook Lane?

Yep. And who was your dentist at the time?

Uh, Dr.

Heffelfinger, out on Mills Road.

Mr. Panzarella, will you do us a favor by removing your dentures?

Why not?

Thank you.

Mr. Panzarella, these dentures were recovered in Selma Robothold's backyard.

Now, they were thoroughly cleaned.

Will you please put them in your mouth?

Take your time and relax.

It's all right. Try again.

Ah.

Well?

Yep. These are my choppers, all right.

Must have lost them somehow.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, if they fit, you must acquit.

You were magnificent.

Nobody but you could have gotten Selma off.

The presumption of innocence is the greatest friend a lawyer can have.

Well, don't expect any congratulations from me. Ah, hello, Henry.

I don't think I can do it.

Give me a beer.

Yes, you can. I did it twice.

Well, that's what I mean. I don't want to go through this again. I want Max to

be my second wife first.

No guarantees.

I'd like to have what you had with Jill.

You look like Plymouth Rock or something, you know? I mean, now you're

me up.

Hey, it's complicated.

So what, are you saying we shouldn't do it? No, no, I'm just saying don't get

married expecting that your husband's going to fulfill all your needs.

Because believe me, that ain't going to happen.

Well, what kind of needs are we talking about? Oh, I don't know. It's been so

long since I've had any of my needs fulfilled, I can't even remember what

are.

But I'm sure it's going to be fine for you guys.

So, when are you going to have Kim?

Carter? Sue?

What are you doing in here?

Well, you've been gone for 20 minutes, Carter. I was getting worried.

I, uh... I think my prostate's acting up.

Carter.

Last week, it was seborrhea.

The week before that, your colon.

There's something I need to talk to you about.

You don't want to marry me.

What? No, no, no. Of course I do.

More than anything in the world.

We've been waiting so long for our wedding night and everything.

What if I don't measure up?

I'll be the only man you'll ever know in that way your entire life. What if

you're disappointed?

Oh, Carter.

You're the only man I ever want to know.

I've waited my whole life for you. There's no way you could ever disappoint

But if it made you feel any better, maybe we should have a practice run.

You mean?

Get it over with, Ann.

That way maybe you could actually start to enjoy our wedding.

Oh, no, no, not here.

Oh, no,

no. Don't speak French. You know that. I can't resist you when you speak French.

Be gentle with me. Does anyone know where Carter is?

Beth.

Where are you two going on your honeymoon?

What?

You didn't make the reservations yet?

It's great. Just great.

Why do I have to do everything?

You're not doing anything.

You've still got two days. Why rush it? Are you going to eat that salad?

Where'd you go on your honeymoon, Mom?

I don't remember, honey. Ask your father.

Are all rehearsal dinners like this?

Only the happy ones.

All right, all right.

I get that I'm supposed to make the first toast.

Oh, Doug, I don't know if this is the time. My friends!

When I see this room, which is so filled with love, my heart is filled.

Especially when I see the joy on these young faces.

reminds me of the joy that I felt on the eve of my marriage to my dear Miriam.

I know I've said many things to you in the past 40 years.

Some were not really admirable. But this is one thing that I've been meaning to

say to you recently.

What are you doing?

Miriam Ruth Hochberg, will you marry me?

Doug, we are married. So let's do it again.

I'm sure that Max and Kenny and Sue and Carter won't mind if we join them. And

who better than Henry to do the honors?

Miriam, without you, I'm nothing.

Oh, Doug.

We're not married.

Thank God.

Will somebody help me up, please?

All right, then. Up you go. Come on. There you go. Thank you, Kenny.

Oh,

Carter.

Carter, the guests are saying their goodbyes. Right.

Bonjour, Judge.

It's very clear Our love is here to stay

Not for a year But ever

and a day The Rockies may crumble

Gibraltar may tumble Oh, they're only made of clay

But our love

It's here to stay.

Should be everything.

So I guess this is the last time you're going to be seeing me as a bachelor.

Okay, well, I better get going.

Carter. Hmm?

Didn't anyone ever teach you how to wear a tuxedo? Hmm?

There. You don't want to look like an ass on your wedding day.

Thank you, Judge.

Try not to make a fool of yourself today, Carter.

I'm going to miss you.

Oh, my God.

What were we thinking?

We weren't, remember?

Don't think, just do. That was our first mistake.

Well, who are we doing this for anyway, them?

What's wrong with just dating?

Yeah, I've always been perfectly happy just dating. Okay, Max.

As soon as you hear the cue, take your place.

Come on, Kenny.

Carter. Hmm?

I'm sorry, but we're not getting married.

I mean, we think this whole getting married thing is just a reaction to peer

pressure, you know? Yeah, I mean, there's nothing wrong with just dating,

Yeah.

All right.

That's enough.

I don't want to hear any more.

Max, Kenny, you are getting married.

And make no mistake about it, you are getting married today. Why?

Because you love each other.

And for once in your lives, you're going to trust in love and hope.

and happily ever after, and you're my sunshine in the whole nine yards.

Because if you don't now, you never will.

On top of that, I've got $1 ,500 worth of smoked salmon sitting out there, and

I'm not going to let it go to waste. So let's cut the last -minute theatrics,

put on our happy faces, get out there, and get married.

You know what?

I fell in love with you, Maxine Stewart, the first moment I saw you in that

ridiculous, ridiculous trooper's hat seven years ago.

I've always loved you.

And I'll never get you out of my system.

So you might as well marry me.

All right.

Friends, family, we are gathered here to join

these men and these women together in matrimony.

The contract is a most solemn one.

Not to be entered into lightly, but thoughtfully and seriously.

And with a deep realization of his obligations and responsibilities.

Kenny, Carter, and Douglas.

Will you take Maxine, Susan, and Miriam for

your respective lawful wives?

I will.

I will.

Of course.

And Maxine, Susan, and Miriam, will you take Kenny, Carter, and

Douglas for your respective lawful husbands?

I will.

I will.

I will.

For better, for worse.

For richer?

For poorer?

sickness, and in health.

Till death do us part.

Gentlemen, place the ring on your bride's hand and repeat after me.

With this ring, I thee wed.

With this ring, I thee wed.

Ladies,

place the ring on your groom's hand and repeat after me.

With this ring, I thee wed.

With this ring, I thee wed.

By the power and authority vested by law in me, as District Judge of Hogan

County, Wisconsin, I now pronounce you all husbands and wives.

Now, kiss your brides, and let's get on with it.

so beautiful.

You know something, Henry?

Rome will never be the same after today.

Yeah.

Life has changed, Douglas.

Nothing anyone can do about it.

You got another one of those for me?

Henry!

So, Maxine Luckos.

Mrs. Kenny Locke has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Kenny, you said anything about me changing my last name?

Thank you.

Oh, Henry?

It is all right to call you Henry, isn't it?

Madam, I'd rather you didn't call me anything at all.

You're so funny.

I love the sense of humor in a man.

None of my husbands could ever take a joke. It was too bad, really.

Oh, champagne.

Do you have one, Wendy?

Oh, yes. Oh, good.

Lovely party, isn't it?

Uh, yes.

They're playing the first dance.

They want me home.

How did we get to this place?

This isn't who we are.

Maybe it is.

After all these years, we owe each other more than silence and bitterness, Jill.

I'm just tired, Jimmy.

I'm just tired of fighting.

I'm tired, too.

People get tired, Jill. Maybe that's what marriage is all about. I don't

If that's all it is...

Not enough for me.

I just want to remember what it feels like to be in love.

That's all I want. I just... I want to feel that again.

Sometimes I can't remember.

And then I reach out to you and... and you're just not there.

there, Jill.

I've always been there.

I know I'm not good at listening and

telling you how I feel.

Just because I don't always react the way you want me to doesn't mean I don't.

He was the love of my life, Jim.

The center of my universe.