Original subtitles

Vanessa's going to be there tonight.

No way.

Heard it in the cafeteria line.

Her friend goes, so, are you going to go to Hunneker's party Saturday night down

by the lake? And she goes, duh.

Well, duh could mean anything.

I mean, it could mean, obviously I'm going to Hunneker's party.

I'm Vanessa Oliver, duh.

No way would I go to that party, duh.

This is Hunneker's party. Nobody goes, duh, if they weren't going to go.

They'd have to manage your explaining to do.

Anyway, it's not like we're invited.

Nobody gets invited to Hunter's party. They just are.

I bet Vanessa's not even invited.

I heard that last Hunter's party, everyone tore off their clothes and went

skinny dipping underneath the stars.

A man is a god.

Yeah.

Could be kind of awesome, I guess.

Think about it.

Lattimore's got his license.

It's Saturday night.

And for the first time ever, we have a car.

Tonight?

We are men, moron.

But seriously, Odell. Saturday night.

Anything is possible tonight.

Teenagers? We were teenagers once.

We remember what it's like on Saturday night. That's what I'm worried about.

How did this happen?

How did he get to be an almost grown -up?

In two years, he'll be out of the house, and pretty soon, Zach will be gone.

Dog will die.

Oh, stop.

I just mean, pretty soon, it'll be just us all alone in the house.

Is that bad?

No, no. It's great.

It'll be just like tonight.

Jack out at a slumber party.

Matthew out taking drugs, having sex with anything that moves.

Saturday night.

All alone in our house together.

What have you got in mind?

Just another Saturday night.

He and I ain't got nobody.

Absolutely.

Ridiculous. Come on, let me out of here. I am entitled to that.

Stolen goods. The store owner's got it under here. Oh, give me a break. It's

Saturday night.

Gentle, relaxing home suits and stimulates problem areas.

She stole that?

Problem areas?

All right, fine. I couldn't get a date. Is that a crime? No, I don't think

that's a crime. Hold the roller for the night. Oh, wait, oh, wait. I can't even

bring it in with me. What am I supposed to do all night?

Oh, man.

She was over at Cupid's playpen.

You know the sex shop on 41?

Uh -uh.

So you're working tonight?

Just finishing my monthly summary.

I'm pulling in for Carlson, trying to get some overtime.

So what, uh, you got a date?

Not my business.

I got paid on Friday.

Your pockets are jingling and you see the light.

Get all tangled as you cruise.

Looking for the heart of Saturday.

And you comb your hair.

Shave your face.

Trying to wipe out every trace.

Of all the other days.

And the week. You know that this will be the Saturday.

I guess this is what it comes down to

for some people.

It's kind of a device or a thing.

I mean, like a blender or a coffee maker.

Oh, yeah, but name me one guy who can go on 16 hours without recharging.

Okay.

What the hell is this? It's supposed to be Die Hard 2.

Look at the body.

pig out.

You're avoiding responsibility for your own life, Dirk, by simply saying you're

miserable and not admitting that you married a sick, verbally abusive woman

desperate attempt to escape your own loneliness.

Okay, shape up. Next up, we've got Karen. Karen, you're on the air.

No, no, no. It's just he thinks that the right one's too far to the left. Let me

get this straight. You got two boobs on the left. Well, it's...

I'm

out.

I'll raise you.

Well, I'll stay, George.

George?

George.

I'm out.

Anxious or high, am I correct?

Oh, boy.

I'm a little rusty is all.

Rusty doesn't want to come.

Oh, no, he's got better things to do than hang out with, and I quote, a bunch

depressing geriatric cases on a Saturday night.

He's going to go on a date.

Then he can't get it to you.

You're interrupting my concentration.

Dear, as I held you so close... The lover might no wonder she left you.

up, Mort. Doug, Doug, for God's sake. I'm rattled.

He deeply rattled me.

I call.

A full house?

Well, look at that.

I win.

I win.

I win!

Robert,

we all pass gas. It's just that sometimes we pass it along at the wrong

Now, I'm sure Karen will go out with you again, but you'll never know until you

ask, right?

Here, and a little bit of advice. Next time, don't go Mexican.

Okay, next up, we've got Virginia from Rome, Wisconsin.

Virginia, you're on the air. This is Dr. Joey. What's your problem?

Uh, well, it's not a problem. It's a question.

Shoot.

Vibrators. Love them, use them, recommend them. Anything else?

Well, you don't think that they're addictive?

I mean, I have this friend that bought one.

And she practically has no use for men anymore.

I mean, she doesn't even need to leave the house.

Well, anything used to excess can be a problem. But short of that, I don't see

anything wrong with a little sexual aid now and then.

It isn't a... A what?

A sin?

Yeah. No, Virginia.

You will not go blind, nor will you grow hair on your palms. It...

You know what? I will tell you what the real sin is, honey.

It's hitting the sheets with some hairy behemoth just to get a little hormonal

release. Trust me, I've got the divorce papers to prove it.

Well... Girlfriend, you're feeling a little lonely tonight.

That's okay.

Just pour yourself a glass of wine, take a bubble bath.

Treat yourself right.

Just don't take any electrical appliances into the water with you.

So,

Dr. Joey, you're on the air.

Dr. Joey, are there any...

You lying son of a bitch.

I'm out.

Any more takers?

George?

George? George.

George.

George?

George?

I guess we can assume he's out.

One minute he

was alive, and the next he was in a bean dip.

Guys his age doesn't take much sometimes.

I know, he was just playing poker. Who do we notify?

Has he got a wife?

Sylvie is dead.

Since March.

He's got a nephew up in Ellison Bay.

Name of Engdahl. He was a good man.

And he played a good game. Let's not get carried away.

I won the hand. For God's sake, Doug, the man is dead.

Be that as it may, he lost the hand, the big hand of the night, $150.

I don't want to mention it, but what am I supposed to do? Pretend that he won to

spare his feelings?

He doesn't have any feelings.

He's a corpse.

I hate it when they ain't got nobody.

Look at the shine on those shoes.

Like a mirror.

He always kept them that way.

It was a value of his.

Need batteries with that?

No.

How about a video?

Got them on special, half price.

No, I'll just take that.

You got your thing here. That takes care of the physical.

And you got your emotional, mental, your fantasy, what have you.

It's what we call the total package.

Julie feels trapped in the lonely life of an accountant.

until she goes to Fiji and meets the well -oiled Derek.

It's not hardcore or anything like that. The emphasis is more on romance. It's

what the ladies like, romance.

I'll just take that.

Maybe this is the party.

I think the other thing was the party.

It wasn't a party.

Those girls were like 12.

It was the water tower.

Maybe just no one was there yet.

It sucks to have been there and not even know we were there.

Maybe we should ask them.

Is that the Big

Dipper?

Oh, yeah.

Great job, Bodner.

You go,

Brock. Okay.

You'll get the job done.

Hey, guys.

Is this the party?

I don't think so.

Hey, you want to lay a patch?

Get out the tires? My mom will kill me.

Hey, aren't you Brock?

You play JV hockey, right?

Yeah, we saw you play last week against Portage.

Nice goal.

Goalie was half asleep.

You're Platt, right? Varsity?

This whole town sucks.

So dead it's like embarrassing.

One more year and I'm out of here forever.

So we're going to go to this party over at Hunnaker's.

Want to come?

What, to his house? To Hunnaker's house?

No, that's okay.

I was just going to hang out with my friends.

Tell you the truth, Brock.

I promised my mom I'd have the car back by 10.

Yeah, and I'm grounded.

I've been to go into Heineken's.

Come on, Bodner. I've got nudes and limbo on tape at home.

No way.

Freshman.

Big Dipper.

What? What's with Big Dipper?

You make me feel so young.

One battery.

Who has only one battery?

I have been waiting for an hour and a half for this delivery.

Double cheese, onion, sausage.

C .K. Brock.

Sheriff Brock.

Some Saturday night.

No video, no pizza.

Bravo. Oh, I'm starved.

Peanut butter?

No, thanks.

Do you remember how we used to always do this?

Day in and pig out?

A long time ago.

Oh, do you remember that time?

That we're supposed to go to the onekies party.

I got all decked up. We were headed to the door and... I don't know, somehow I

just... You were wearing that, um... That perfume.

Ah, yes, white shoulders.

God, that was romantic.

Eight times.

No. No.

It was three times.

But everyone was incredible.

It was sick.

No. We did it in every room in that house. I remember. Although it was a

smaller house.

I

thought

you were the Pete.

So where's Hanukkah?

He's all upset about Tina.

She was bored, so she took off with her friends to Ocali's.

She does that a lot.

There he is.

Want to meet him?

No, no, that's okay. He's upset. He'd like to meet you. Come on.

So, Pete.

This is Brock.

Hey. Hey.

Great party.

Is it a party?

So, I think I saw you play against Portage.

It's a great goal.

You were fast out there, man. That move you made, you deeped it, man. That was

key.

I got that from watching you.

I must have seen every game you played. You were the absolute greatest.

I'm going to go get her. She's going to come back.

How do galleys are so lame?

I hate it. Why does she keep going there? Don't go, Pete.

I mean, come on, man. Think about your image.

Send in.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. I can go.

O 'Callie's, right?

I'll get her.

You know Tina?

I remember her from when you guys were in high school.

Well, don't make her come home or anything.

I mean, don't tell her that I want her to, you know, just to see if you can get

her to go.

You got wheels?

Here.

It's the big old truck in the driveway.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh,

boy. Oh,

boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Is that a car?

Is that a car? Is Matthew's home this early?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Jimmy. I

got

an idea.

We'll take the $150 and do up the town.

Doug, please.

Everybody's going home.

It's only 10 .30.

For God's sake.

George is dead.

He was a friend of mine.

Last week, he was right there where you're standing.

He was arguing with me about what you eat on a Vienna dog.

You'll have it on a poppy bun, grilled onions, mustard. What's to argue?

He said ketchup. Oh, nobody has ketchup on a Vienna dog. You don't have ketchup

on a Vienna dog. Well, George did.

Don't you understand what this is all about?

So what am I supposed to do?

Fold up my tent and die too?

I know what it's all about.

And on the day they carry me out in that stretcher, I hope you have the guts to

grab the money and make the night something they'll talk about a Rome,

for a hundred years, because I don't intend to go easy.

Henry.

Dammit, I'm still alive.

I have to be home by midnight.

I have medication to take.

Come on.

We'll show those townies how the big boys live.

I'm gonna live forever.

Baby, remember my name. Remember, remember, remember, remember.

Baby, look at me.

And tell me what you see You ain't seen the best of me yet

Give me time, I'll make you forget the rest I got more in

me And you can't predict me I can touch the moon

in my head Are you Tina Honecker?

I'm Matthew Brock, I'm a friend of Pete.

You're only like 12?

He really wants you to come home.

It's my turn to sing next.

I can learn again.

Forget it. It's wrecked. You wrecked the night.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I would have waited for you to sing. Forget it. It doesn't matter.

I suck.

Give me the keys.

I can't believe I'm going back there. All we do is sit around on a Saturday

night watching this shopping channel, you know?

All this junk.

Watches and dolls and diamond engagement rings.

Like, if you order them, your house will be so crowded, you won't even notice

you don't actually have a light.

And this high school kid he hangs around with.

Stupid truck, come on.

It's not even real.

The engagement ring.

What'd you do to this truck, anyway?

Nothing.

I gotta heave now.

I feel a ton better.

You wanna go for a walk? I don't feel like going home yet.

Are you sure you're okay?

on my shoe. That was a $60 shoe.

Look at that. Look at the workmanship on that shoe.

It's nice.

Let's go.

Relax. At least we don't have to go to the ER.

Get it out of my zipper here. I'm going to take the clamp, and then with the

forceps, I'm going to tease the tissue back, and then with the surgical

scissors, I'm going to cut it off. Oh, don't you cut it. The zipper, Jimmy. I

meant the zipper. I'm not going to castrate you.

Haven't you mentioned castration?

Ow! Somebody got his little guy caught in a jam.

Get her out of here.

I can't, Jimmy. I need a hand.

Straighten up and fly right.

She gave me a look.

You're out of your mind.

She shot me a look. You said that about that girl in the hot dog stand, too.

That girl, it was the way she asked me how I like my dog.

How do you like it?

She wasn't talking about a kosher, Frank, I can tell you that.

That's because she thinks you're out of your head.

I wish they would let us dip twice in the chocolate. I think people would pay

extra.

Well, Henry, are we doing the town or what? Sure, Doug.

A hundred years from now, they'll still be talking about it.

Can I ask you something?

Do you ever miss Miriam?

No, I don't miss her.

But you were married.

She never crosses my mind.

You were married for a very long time.

I guess it wouldn't be sanitary to let you dip twice.

You know, she left that powder, you know, that face powder in the back of a

drawer.

Funny thing, people think that that stuff could be odor -free, but it isn't.

I... I miss the smell, I guess.

But her, no.

I miss her sometimes.

My wife.

Yeah, well, that is different.

These young men will be your love match tonight. Jason, RJ, or Brad. Ooh, pick

RJ, pick RJ.

I like his hair.

Can I get some ketchup?

Yeah, sure.

Brad,

is she nuts?

I wouldn't go out with Brad if he was the last man on earth.

You know, you'd be good on this show.

You think so?

Yeah, I mean, you have a certain charm about him. You do.

I go out with him.

You're really a friend of Pete's?

I don't really know him that well.

I've seen him play.

The great Pete Hunniker.

He was the greatest.

He hates when people say that.

I mean, he's 21 years old, you know, and everyone acts like his whole life's

behind him.

Sorry. It's not your fault.

He's the guy who wrecked his back laying a patch.

Like, laying a skid mark on 41 was gonna make him, I don't know, part of

Wisconsin history or something.

That's why he left Madison?

He wrecked his back?

He couldn't play hockey anymore.

They took away his scholarship after the first year.

So he came home and married you.

Yeah, I'm the consolation prize.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I know.

Hey, maybe we would have gotten married anyway.

That Dr. Joey Diamond?

She says nothing is accidental, you know?

The way things turn out is the way you secretly wanted them to be, in your

heart.

Yeah.

Like Pete really wanted to spend eight hours a day operating a machine at the

brewery that twists the caps on beers.

Is that what you do?

No, I operate a machine that strains the extra curds out of cheese.

What did you want to do?

Sales.

I was born for sales.

I want to be a sportscaster.

I haven't told my parents yet, but it's what I want to do.

I just decided.

You can go anywhere if you're a sportscaster.

I've been thinking about selling those really little swimming pools. You've

those? There's resistance in the water. You swim and swim like crazy.

But you never go anywhere, right?

It's the workout of the century.

I just have to save up enough money to quit my job for six months.

Is that hard to do?

Not really.

I figure it'll only take about ten years, and by then, of course, I'll have

eight kids and be totally in debt.

I'm kidding.

Don't look that way.

You're breaking my heart, kiddo.

God, you're sweet.

Don't worry, I'll get there someday.

What about all the girls love you?

Not exactly.

I bet they do and you just don't know.

It's an intriguing thought.

Andromeda?

And over there, that's Cassiopeia, the queen.

She was extremely boastful. The other gods couldn't stand her. Legend has it,

Poseidon punished her. Carter?

Hmm?

We've been looking at the stars for a long time.

You're right.

You're right.

What?

Why won't you kiss me?

What's wrong with a good hug?

Nothing. Nothing. Hugging is fine too, Carter. It's just that we've been

for three weeks now.

Aren't we ready for some kissing?

Why be hasty?

Oh, it's not that I have anything against kissing, naturally. It's just

kissing, whoa, it's so open to interpretation, you know? I mean, what

kissing?

Is it lip -to -lip contact? Or that whole epiglottal thing?

Don't you want to kiss me?

Are you kidding?

I just... Everything's been going so well.

And?

I don't want it to end.

Why should it end?

Because...

Well, kissing leads to getting to know somebody, and when you get to really

somebody... I've never had anything last, Sue.

Three weeks, that's kind of a personal best for me.

Frankly, I attribute it to the hugging.

Also, my glasses.

Careful. Fingerprints.

I'm fine.

I forgot to breathe.

You okay?

I think so.

It'd be very interesting to see the psychological ramifications of this.

And the physical trauma won't last long, but the emotional one.

You can never underestimate the romance of the American man with his penis,

Jill. Just cut the zipper.

He may feel betrayed by his penis. He may even get angry at his penis.

I'm not going to be angry at my penis.

He's angrier than he knows.

Almost done, sweetheart.

I don't know how certain cities have foods named after them.

Like London broil or black forest cake.

Peking duck? Right.

Well, wouldn't it be cool someday to go to those places and actually eat those

foods there?

You know, at different places around the world.

Like have black forest cake in the black forest?

Yeah.

I used to think about it all the time when I was young.

Like 16.

I bet Black Forest cake tastes totally different in the actual Black Forest.

Exactly.

I mean, I bet it makes art look like a joke.

Well, I never actually told anyone that before.

Most people wouldn't understand.

Not even Pete?

No, he'd understand.

Pete always understands.

It's so crazy.

Isn't it supposed to make everything better?

Not when someone totally understands you.

You mean it doesn't?

Oh, yeah.

It's the greatest.

I mean, he just catches eyes sometimes and they just look, like,

terrified.

Or maybe that's me.

Or...

It's like we both know that we'll never get out of here.

But we're happy.

We're really, really happy.

Pete's such a great guy.

Yeah, he is.

He's great.

Hamburgers.

You could have hamburgers in Hamburg.

Yeah.

Gina.

Can I ask you a question?

Is this what people really do?

I mean, Saturday night.

This is pretty much it?

Drive around, you talk?

Pretty much so.

I mean, I don't always puke, obviously.

I figured.

You know, I'm going to have to have that truck towed.

Hey, Carter.

I was just getting some batteries. I need them for my blender.

Well, my blender uses batteries, and I had to blend something.

How about you?

I lent my celestial navigation chart to Bud Skeeter. Sue said she was

interested, so I just wanted to... Yes.

Sorry.

Are you going sailing?

No, just been driving around.

Kept trying to get to dinner, but it's such a beautiful night.

Anyway, Sue and I couldn't help noticing how bright the stars were tonight, and

so I thought I'd show her how you use the night sky to navigate.

You know the drill.

Stupid high. It's crazy, isn't it? I mean, look at me. I'm 38 years old, and

feel like when I was 12.

Only then I was miserable. Now I'm...

Vaguely delirious. It's... It's nuts. It's ridiculous.

I'm walking on air.

Doesn't sound ridiculous to me.

Me either.

All right, left profile.

Believe it or not, I went skinny dipping in these lakes when I was a teen.

There were parties.

Those Saturday nights, my God, we'd get restless.

Let's go swimming under the stars.

Crazy man.

And there we'd go, tearing our clothes off and... Wait a minute.

Are you out of your mind?

Our next stop is to swim under the stars.

That was a hundred years ago. We will spend this moment with reckless abandon.

Oh, boy.

The water was warmer then, I take it.

Well, that was a hundred years ago.

And we all got leeches, too.

Got you.

Maybe I'll see you around.

Definitely.

Pete said he might have a party next Saturday night.

That'd be excellent.

Just don't serve Black Forest cake.

No.

Gina, I just want to say, all those places in the world you want to go to,

I think you'll go there if you want to badly enough.

I mean, you can make anything happen if you want it badly enough, right?

That's what I believe.

Sure.

Hey, you need a ride somewhere?

Nah, I'll walk.

You could have Mars bars!

On Mars.

You could play the red seven on the black eight.

And then the six and the five and that column there. There's a reason it's

called Solitaire, Max, okay?

Right. Sorry.

What was that, the six?

Yeah.

So what are you doing here?

Thought you were supposed to be out having a great time.

Right.

Help yourself.

That town is dead.

You know what?

Saturday night sucks.

Tell me about it.

I think we should wipe the whole Saturday night thing off the calendar.

whole thing.

It's worse than New Year's. It's like they put it in front of you every week

just to remind you that your life is totally screwed up.

In case you forgot.

I think we should have Friday night twice.

Amen.

Kenny, you ever feel like you're looking for something, but you don't know what

it is?

All the time.

Think you'll ever find it?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Blackjack, Red Queen.

They stood under a carpet of stars.

What's that?

They stood under a carpet... I heard you.

What are you quoting?

Oh, I made it up on the spot.

A hundred years from now, when they write about this moment, that's what

say. They stood under a carpet of stars.

Wambaugh, nobody's going to remember this night in a hundred years.

It could be a biography. Nobody's going to remember this night in five minutes.

And they talked long into the night about matters philosophical as was

their want.

Is that the Big Dipper?

I left my glasses in the car.

I wonder if they found George's nephew.

You know, it's a terrible thing when there's no one to call.

You ever think about it?

Dying?

Oh, no, I never think about it.

I think about it. I never think about it.

I thought I'd feel different.

I thought... I thought I'd feel older.

So this eternal life business, Henry, if you could have it, would you?

Oh, I don't know.

I'd probably get tired of it after a while.

I don't think I'd ever get tired of it.

No.

I don't think I'd ever get tired of it either.

Saturday night, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I hope this isn't some kind of omen. No more pigging out, no more

no more... You know, in some kind of

totally nightmarish way, and not to minimize the pain that you went through.

It was kind of... Well, it was at least...

Hi.

How was your party?

There wasn't any party.

So what'd you do?

Not much. Hung out.

What'd you guys do?

Not much.

Hung out.

Cool.

Night, Sam.

Night.

Matthew?

Did anything happen tonight?

I don't think so.

God, you're tearing your eyes Makes it kind of special Down

in the cold And you're dreaming of them Saturdays That came before it found

you stumbling Stumbling onto the heart of Saturday night

And you're stumbling

Saturday night.

Next week on

Picket Fences.

John, you've been through a terrible ordeal.

Your brother's death and your injury. You can't push yourself too much right

now. Tubal ligation, Jimmy. Stop saying tubes. Typh. After 20 years, I'm tired

of using the diaphragm. I am not going back on the pill. And you're the one

who's always talking about putting the spontaneity back in our sex life.

What sex life?