Original subtitles

Since when did a West leave his family to lay lino or a sassy piece of skirt?

Hey! You can keep him, because from now on, he's no bloody son of mine!

Before you butter off, we should talk about a divorce.

Who said anything about buttering off?

I'm sure he did.

It's so great to meet you, finally. I've heard so much about everyone.

Well, guess what?

We've heard fuck all about you.

Mum had a kid.

A bastard kid.

Dad, the kid was Gary.

America, huh?

Ah, they're going to make a series out of my videos and it's all totally true!

Oh, Daddy!

You can't sell your own baby. I never wanted a baby and I just don't see why I

should come out of this with nothing. You're not selling your baby. You can't

fucking do that! I will call the cops, I'll take you to court, I'll send you to

the bin if I have to. Slight change of plan.

I need half my money up front today.

No!

Family.

I can bid you.

Blood's always thicker, don't you reckon?

Hey, what a clever girl you are, huh?

What a big pooper.

You go give your uncle a cuddle. Yeah.

Hey, buddies.

Hey. Yeah.

We got a... Oh, hello. Kitty Mayhew from Plunkett.

Oh, yes.

Following up on baby... Princess.

Tiffany. Princess Tiffany.

Help! I'm in here!

Help! It's me! I'm in here!

What was that? Nothing.

What the fuck do you want? We're responding to an emergency call from

address. A kidnapping.

There is no kidnapping.

Help me!

How the fuck did she get a phone? I don't know. I didn't give her much

Help!

Just keep it down, eh?

Keep it down.

These are all sweetie, eh?

Look, she's been kept inside for her own good and the baby's right.

She's the mother? No, I'm the mother.

No, I'm...

She's got a really nice room.

It used to be my room. Open this door.

She's got psychological issues.

Because I am being held prisoner!

Open the door, Cheryl, or we break it down. Yes, break the fucking door!

Help her.

Well, if you're not going to arrest her, then get out of my fucking way! No! No!

No!

Now, my family are great and I love them to pieces, but if they curse or if they

throw anything, you know, just try not to...

You know these ladies?

Fucking bitch!

Mom! Let's go. You're back.

And this is Milt, who owns the Sunset Channel, who really loves my work. And

as of two days ago, is now my adorable and completely wonderful new husband.

police don't carry weapons.

How about that? How about doing your fucking job?

Wow, what a cutie. She's very healthy and the cords cleaned up nicely.

You think we wouldn't look after her?

Well, I'll be back very soon and I'll be putting in a call to maternal mental

health. Great.

I'm not nuts. She is the one who's nuts.

What? What is going on here?

Okay, first we had the cops.

No, was it all read out? She was good. Actually, she was really good, yeah. And

then, oh, the whole 12 -day thing came up.

What 12 -day thing?

Well, that's when you can adopt a baby.

A few weeks ago, it was day 12, and she was going to do it, man. Give her away.

Where are you going?

Nowhere? She's done the adoption thing. The baby's gone. We don't ever get her

back. So, Mum, anyway, I put another lock on the door, and... And she's been

there ever since?

Who?

I'll see you very soon.

Definitely one for psych services.

You're not meant to agree with her.

Well, isn't it a red -letter day?

I hear Wayne moved out.

Yep.

We'll leave you to it.

Your mum's gone real dark on it, man. And the whole dad thing just isn't

helping. What dad thing? Just sign the papers. Never. Sign it over to me and

everything goes back to normal. Fuck you.

Don't ever take this phone in there again. Got it.

Wow, Mum, it's so terrible.

So, you're married, are you?

Yes. And I know you're dying to hear about it at the little chapel in Las

I know. That can wait till later. Can you stay here and hold the fort? I'll be

back in time for the next feed.

Loretta. No.

Baby.

Shouldn't have stolen my phone, man.

What do you mean?

Van, what no one seems to get is I've promised my baby to a poor childless

couple. Okay, but we really like her too.

What about their angst as they wait and wait? She's like the perfect

little princess, you know?

That's my new name for it.

Princess.

Yeah, I wanted to call her Aurora, but Mum thinks it's bad luck.

Van.

I owe the Colhoun.

I owe them a shitload of money.

Give it back. I can't. I've already spent it.

I'll help.

Really? Yep.

I've got... 20... That's not going to do it, Van.

I'm trying to help you. You don't care about me at all. Of course I do. No.

You're a coward.

And you're a traitor.

And I hope you remember that when I do go actually crazy or die of starvation.

I'm starting a hunger strike.

Yeah, g'day.

Fuck, Wolf, is that you?

Cheryl, what can I do for you?

I'm looking for Jethro.

Don't go anywhere.

Why are you sleeping there?

It's safer.

Hey.

Hey. It's you.

Your mother. Hey, Dad.

Let's take this upstairs, shall we?

Hey, Mum. What's up?

I know you don't want me to come around to the house anymore, Dad, but Loretta,

she's real bad.

And Mum's bad.

It's all bad.

Except Princess.

She's amazing.

I and Pascal, she's good too, I guess.

She's back?

Yep. With her husband.

Fucking what?

Husband.

No, no, no, just that. But about Loretta.

Yeah, well, at least the cops think she's crazy.

And it won't be long until you go to court.

But no way am I letting that bitch from Hearn Bay take little Tiffany.

Tiffany.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing.

Oh, hold on.

I've got to go. I'll talk to you later.

All going well?

Yep.

Couldn't be better.

I was real sweet of you to take the couch to your throne.

I didn't have a choice, did I?

Playing hell with your old man's back.

Where are you going?

Got a few things to sort out.

Family things.

What about Thuy? What about it?

It's not a bad name.

So what's the dude on the Colquhoun?

Nothing. Firing up... Standing couple, not even parking tickets.

Oh, shit.

Are you coping?

Kind of.

Is there anything I can do?

Well, you're dealing with the old man.

It's more than enough.

What do you bloody want?

Daddy, I was going to come and surprise you.

Yeah, well, you did that all right. Hey, Mr West.

Milton Delaney III.

What sort of a stupid name is that?

It's my name.

Same as my daddy's and my good old pop's.

Aren't you going to congratulate me?

I'll get back to you on that.

No. Okay, okay. Shh, shh, shh. Come on, honey. It's okay.

Think beautiful.

It's quite a bit of money we're talking.

Yeah, that's why I can't back out.

Not that she can see it. Well, your mother doesn't know everything.

Out. Now.

I'll see what I can do. No, what you'll do is get out.

Now.

You have no right to come in here. You do not have the right.

This is different.

What?

New bedspread.

It is bad enough you're coming round my business. You think I want you in my

home giving me your opinion on home fucking furnishings?

Technically, it is still half my house.

And as for the business... I think it's to do with the Gary thing.

Yeah, good old Gary.

He asked me to take care of a few of his business affairs while he was away.

This is my business.

Well, my business now.

Family business.

Great undies, Cheryl.

All I want is what's best for my family.

By making them cry.

I get the path, girl.

Loretta's the priority, I would have thought. Well, fuck me, I hadn't

Want to keep your granddaughter or not? That's what I'm trying to do.

And making a right cock up of it? Yeah, and you waving your dick around's

certainly helping, isn't it?

You don't have to like it. I don't. So why don't you just bugger off?

Do what you're best at.

Nearly as cute as you were.

You were really rude to my husband.

Thought you were off to see the world, make a movie.

It's a series, and we're going to shoot it here, like Lord of the Rings.

So you felt you needed to marry the odd fart?

Mo is not that old. He's not much older than you are.

And he's the sweetest man in the whole world, and he needs me.

I'll bet he does.

You are trying to make this ugly, but you can't.

You don't marry somebody that you've known for four weeks. Five weeks and you

knocked up mum in less time?

Well, look where that ended.

Look, I know that you're bitter about your mum.

I'm not.

Yes, you are. You're thinking dark, angry thoughts and so is she.

But they're too dark. They don't make a light.

You know, it's like you're in a dark room and you're charged about all angry.

But all that happens is you bang into the furniture or a wall and that's got

hurt.

You know what you need to do here, don't you?

Uh, no.

You need to put the light on.

Right. Yeah, well, open some curtains, because natural light is much better,

it's filled with vitamin D.

So, where are we up to?

We're at the Roasty Nail, the roast of the day. Have you heard from the cops?

No.

Don't they want to know where the bodies are buried?

There's one body.

When it's only a suspicion.

They'd get off their arses and dig up that driveway, they'd find out.

Hey, the point of the exercise, as I remember it, was to get rid of Gary

Gary bloody Savage.

Well, he's gone.

Skipped the country because we were on to him, guilty as sin.

We don't know that.

I know it.

You know it. It doesn't give us the right to dig up driveways in Kumeyaay.

You don't need that.

You give the cops a rocker.

Or I bloody will.

That was fantastic, Cheryl. What do you call that dish?

Fish pie.

That's traditional food?

You will have it all the time when I come round.

I'm all in.

Oh, you go. I'll see you soon.

Good night, all. Good night, Cheryl. Thank you. Can I have your beer, man?

yeah, please.

Hey,

got a little of the rings, eh? I love those hobbits, man.

I did over.

So, what's the story with this

wedding?

Well, we took a trip to Las Vegas in his private jet.

So he is loaded.

Well, yeah, but that's not the reason why we got together.

We have heaps to give each other.

You get cast, so what does he get?

I've given Milt something really precious, something he thought was

without drugs.

Yeah, sometimes those old guys, they can't get a boner any other way.

No, Milt was, like, seriously incapacitated until he met me, but I

Yeah, with the power of love.

I reached out, and I touched him.

Go Milt.

Well, mainly it was the power of positive thinking.

And how did that work?

Well...

If you think beautiful, which is my new philosophy, then things really, truly do

become beautiful in real life.

So what if you're butt ugly or way fat?

No, a few extra kilos, they don't matter if you think beautiful.

Are you saying I'm fat?

I think she is.

You're not fat, baby, you're cuddly.

Oh, no, you're saying I'm fat. I'm saying...

I can heal. I have that power.

You know, I can heal you and Loretta and Dad, who you really need to heal with,

and also little Harmony.

Harmony. Yeah, it's a name that's symbolic and also beautiful.

Sounds like a shampoo.

I like Tuscany.

Aurora. I suppose we could call it Dawn.

That sounds nothing like Aurora.

It sounds like brain damage.

Thorn.

Look, I believe that if we just think beautiful, then the right name will

manifest.

Everything will be fine.

You'll see.

You'll see.

Now I'm going to go heal milk.

Lucky milk.

What a load of bullshit.

A gold digger? The fool Anna Nicole.

Put the freaking light on.

What's she on about?

And the other one?

All stinty and crazy.

She can't keep me out of that house and she can't stop me seeing my kids.

And this she would be Cheryl.

She's just threatened and probably tired.

She's not as young as she used to be.

Trying to run a business with a new baby.

She must have rocks in her head.

Oh, we could help, you know.

She doesn't want me anywhere near the business.

No, I meant with the baby.

We could take her.

We could?

Yeah. I love babies, and I've got time.

And little girls are so cute.

I was thinking Letitia.

You what?

Letitia, for a name.

I think it's Tiffany.

No, that is gross.

Look, it's sweet you want to help, but I don't think that'll go down too well.

With Cheryl?

Why do you care what she thinks?

Loretta's the real problem here.

All it needs is a practical approach, not that she can see.

Cheryl.

More action. Where's fucking around?

More action sounds good.

Oh, my

God.

Jesus Christ, did he never stop?

We don't have to be here.

Yeah, we do.

If I leave, I never get back in.

Really?

Oh, you don't know my father.

He's back and everything has to be his way.

Yeah, I'm coming.

Will you hear about the landscaping?

No.

Not about landscaping.

So where's the little woman?

She's at work.

Not seeing much of her at the moment.

Well, they'll make it hard with a new baby.

Oh, I'd be looking after her.

You would?

Yeah, men can look after babies.

Don't you have a job?

I was in finance.

I sold out.

See, the thing is, Andrew, all of this, it's a bit of a misunderstanding.

No, it's a clear agreement with Loretta.

She changed her mind.

Since when?

She changed her mind.

So, here's the money you paid her.

I don't want it.

It's 40 grand.

I sold my business for four million.

I'm telling you this arrangement is over.

I'm getting your message loud and clear, Mr West.

But this is up to your daughter. We have a deal.

And I'm saying you don't. I think you'd better go before I call the police.

Don't you think they might like to hear about this?

Cash for babies.

Any payment was for expenses.

That's not illegal, not according to my lawyer.

Look, I have dealt with bigger shit than you all my time, Mr West, so take your

money and get the fuck out of my house.

Take it! Pants off!

This is about my family. No, it's about my family.

I don't want it.

And no, I won't sign.

Look.

Look at her. Oh, fuck, not this again.

Come on.

Look at her.

Do you think that if I do that enough, something will magically change?

This isn't a movie of the week. Come on.

No?

Nothing?

Well, you need to know that I love her.

I really, really love her.

Little Angelique.

Angelique? Well, if you want to name her, go for your life.

I'll love her whatever she's called.

And it'll break my heart if she goes.

And I can't live in the same house, not with her.

Fine. Fine, you go then.

Go? Yeah.

You don't have to live here. Not if you don't want to.

You'd trade me for her.

Well, she needs a mother and a family.

And you're all grown up now.

Well, kind of.

You'll be fine.

So what do you say?

Coming.

What do you say?

I say, wow, Mum, thanks for all the love.

And fuck you.

I heard from Plunkett.

Do good as united.

You don't like plunkets? No, no, they're fantastic.

They're great.

My job will be a hell of a lot easier once I've got custody.

I'm going to court, so I need that social work assessment you promised me.

of that assessment is the wider family.

Women in this family, they're all the same.

Liars and cheats.

There's slutty knickers round their slutty ankles you can't trust a single

Your Sarah's great.

She's so staunch.

And anyone who ever threatened that little girl?

She'll give them such a smacking.

Yeah, I've had a lot of time with that little girl.

Because, uh... She's probably the reincarnation of my dead girlfriend.

I don't care what your issues are.

Or your opinion of my family.

You owe me.

I'm in an awkward position.

Yeah, you are, aren't you?

With Sif.

Especially since you bent the rules for your Culhern mates.

So finish that assessment and it better be fucking glowing.

You're married to some old guy.

He's not old. And look, I cut up my scalp.

And I was thinking peach for name because it's like apple but softer.

Back to married after five minutes. Why isn't mum spazzing out about that?

Because she gets that I'm happy and successful.

Now you know that maternal mental health are coming tomorrow. And you're married

to a doddery old yank. How crazy is that? He's not doddery. He's lovely,

all Americans.

An entire country on your intellectual level.

They just love that I'm so fresh and natural.

But I have had to learn some American because they've never heard of huckery.

And you can't say fuck on TV.

No wonder you came back. Yeah.

But, you know, I'm happy not to curse because my brand is all about what's

Your brand?

Mm -hmm.

I'm getting my own trademark Think Beautiful TM for my philosophy.

I'm sorry, but the ramblings of an unemployed formal model and rest home

do not constitute a philosophy.

It works.

What are you doing?

I'm reaching out to Taff.

You really need to heal. Fuck off.

And you really need a bath. And this pot pan that you're on is totally not the

way to lose your baby weight. I don't want to lose weight. I want to be

hospitalized so I can get the hell out of here.

Oh my God, you are sick.

You know that's cursing, don't you?

I'm going to put all my energy into thinking beautiful for you, and it will

work. You'll see.

And you think I'm insane?

Just wanted to follow up on the information we gave you. Find out why

piss -useless.

We did look into it, but as a lead, it was a little tenuous.

It was the job they were doing when Shuka disappeared, and why did he

Because Gary bloody Savage knocked him off.

We haven't been able to speak to Mr Savage because he's out of the country.

Because he did a runner.

We will be contacting him.

Forget the talk.

Dig the bloody driveway. He's under there.

We appreciate your concern, but this is in our hands now.

Hands? What hands? You're sitting on them. Got them fiddling up your jacksy.

Ted. She wouldn't know a crime if the goose were on the growler.

This is the last time I help you lot with your inquiries.

Well, well.

It's kind of personal for Ted.

Thought you'd ended your connection with the West family.

Not the Ted bit.

Well, people wanted to go hunting sometime.

So? I got a nice new root there.

Very smooth action.

Great.

Give me a call if you want to go bush.

Oh, God, she's so gorgeous.

She doesn't look a bit like Loretta.

Is this more about the Gary thing?

You can leave her alone.

She's got enough on her plate without you giving her a hard time. I haven't

bloody said anything yet.

But you were going to, and she doesn't need it right now. No, no, it's all

right.

Really? Yeah.

Let's take this somewhere else, shall we?

So you tried to pay the money back.

What with?

Doesn't matter.

The point is that Colquhoun bar is not backing down.

Bloody Louisa.

Yeah. You know, sometimes I think she might not be quite right, you know,

upstairs.

Yep. Where did we go wrong?

She's never been any different.

She came out that way.

Follow you around the room with those eyes.

Take your car keys, hide them in a nappy.

Oh, well, if she is nuts, it might help us in court.

You don't want to leave this to some judge.

Well, she's not going to back down, is she?

We need to stop bashing our heads against that particular brick wall and

sledgehammer elsewhere.

What on the ridder?

There are two claims here.

Yours, which is right because she's our kid, and theirs, which is rich bastard

bullshit. One of those claims needs to be taken out of the equation.

A sledgehammer.

A little show of family force.

United Front.

You can stand it?

Maybe.

For a good cause.

Hey, Filoni, thanks for coming.

Well, my friends, both left and right, are happy to defend the honour of your

family. No, there'll be no flirty cuffs.

Oh, no!

We don't want the cops around.

I'm sorry, but I cannot be part of that.

This is about your family.

I don't mind, honey.

It's not beautiful thinking. It might raise Milt's blood pressure.

Oh, well, Milt can piss off back to Alabama or wherever he's from.

Florida?

Daytona Beach?

Yeah, we'll get back to you.

Come on, Milt, let's go give you your daily dose of sunshine.

Ah, we can't take Pumpkin.

Pumpkin? Well, someone's got to look after her.

All right, Munter. No, no, we need Munter. These folks in Hearn Bay need to

to know and love the tongue of the finniver. Oh, little friend. Yeah.

Ah, Cherie can look after the baby sheep.

She's really good with kids.

Yeah.

Point me to the formula.

It's on the bench.

If you use the microwave, check for hot spots.

Yeah, yeah. And don't go near Loretta.

I'm not scared of her. No, I mean it.

Don't go near her.

Andy come to get your money back got a few friends I thought you should meet

come on everyone this is Andy

Who was that?

Cherie.

Stand back from the door and no funny business.

Okay?

Oh.

Oh, aren't you a naughty girl.

Making everyone run around out there.

Where are they?

They've come to visit your friends at the cold home.

Shit.

Yeah.

I wanted to go, but then I thought maybe it was about time you and me had a

little girl talk.

Assuming you were a girl, not my father's slapper.

Look, we could just sit here trading insults, or you could listen to a

proposition that I have.

I could take your baby.

You?

Me and Wolf.

Makes sense.

If he stays in the family but not in your face, problem over.

What's in it for you?

I love babies.

And I love your father.

And I am not the bitch slapper you all seem to think I am.

No.

No.

You're clearly really kind and considerate and thoughtful.

In fact, if I had to pick who you were most like, it'd be a tough call between

Princess Di with Grow Out or Mother Teresa in Hot Pants.

Forget it.

Oh, you're not going already?

We're having such good girly chat.

All the bottles are full.

Nowhere to come if we want a drink, eh?

Wicked pool out there, Mum.

Joy.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I must have shook it up in the van, I know.

Oh, dear.

Top of the line.

Thank you.

Yeah, we thought it was about time we came round and met you properly. Now

all going to be part of the same family.

Yeah.

Hard to believe you're all related.

Yeah, we're bad brothers, me and her. Yeah, we've got so many friends. They're

all keen to stay in touch with our little baby.

Oh,

nice big lawn, too. Hey, we can put down a honey.

Oh, we'll do both.

Oh, yeah!

And both the PI guys will have a bit of a hoolie.

Yeah, we know where you live.

Oh, it's the lady of the house.

Loretta's family, they thought they'd pay us a visit.

Hi there. Hi.

I'd better get that.

Well, it's been a nice visit, Andrew.

First of many.

Well, that was a good day's work.

Think they bought it?

Might have to go around there tomorrow with a few mates from the Rusty Nail.

Yeah, the ones with the most tat.

Hey, that was weird, eh?

Yeah, I know, man. How'd they get their bottle so full?

No, the way your mum and dad acting like they actually liked each other. Yeah,

but when they were together, there was always, like, yelling and shouting and

shit.

Hey, it's going like that.

Cherie!

She's gone.

Is she ready?

Yes, it's me, and I need to pee.

Where's the key?

Where's the key?

Where did you take her?

I don't know. You stupid fucking cow. I told you not to go in there. It's not my

fucking car. You know where she's gone, don't you? She fucking jumped me.

Hey!

Jump, purity.

You know that thing we were discussing earlier?

Yeah, I'm a bit busy for hunting at the moment.

Not that thing, the other thing.

There have been developments.

In the inquiry?

Involving an elderly man and some heavy machinery.

One baby, as promised.

So call your lawyer, let's do it.

No, that won't be necessary.

Isn't he just the sweetest?

What the fuck?

I did it. I told you I would.

Well, I was singing Beautiful Like Anything, and then I kind of put it from

mind, because I was showing them all my formative influences, like Bunsen's The

Chemist and The Janet Frame, and then it happened.

What happened?

Karina Balani in the number five.

Karina, hi.

No, I hardly had time to say, hey, how's it going? And she told me all about

Hans, the German backpacker, who left her with a $5 ,000 phone bill and

her out with number five, which she didn't want and couldn't afford.

And there she was.

Beautiful answer.

Karina Balani, his ugly baby.

No, this one is seriously cute. And white, because of the German.

And once Milt showed me how to write Cole Hoons, the whole thing only took

minutes.

You can't do this! This is breach of...

Shit.

You sneaky prick.

Pascal. It's okay. No need to thank me.

This is a family thing, this obsession with diggers. You expect me to dig up

concrete driveway with a bloody shovel?

done it, too. Found that body.

Look, Ted, is this really anything to do with you? Rita went and had him. Gary

Bloody Savage.

He was damned from the day he was born.

Okay.

What happened to you?

Nothing.

If you know a crime's been committed, you've got to get off your chuck. What

happened to that bullshit?

We don't know, and that's the point, and there's nothing more we can do, so can

you just let it...

Red. Buy me a pint and I'll think about it.

Well, well, look at you.

Yeah, I'm a new woman, thanks to Goddess Pascal, the gold digger. I must be

thrilled about that.

About that money you owe me.

What money?

The money I paid the Colhouns. Didn't ask you to pay it.

And I'm not asking for it back.

Not yet.

But I do expect a return.

You want interest.

I like to be kept informed.

You want me to spy on your own family?

More be a point of contact.

Right. So do I need a code and a disguise or can I use the phone?

Over to you.

Unless you want to come and stay at my place.

There's no room at your place because it's actually Jethro's place.

Well, he can shift in with his girlfriend.

Yeah, well, thanks for the offer, Dad, but I'd actually rather sleep with cane

toads than live with you and the banshee.

What's going on?

Just another movie of the week moment.

OK, come on, let's do this.

OK, now you sign here.

What now?

I have a condition.

If I have to live in the same space as this child, then it cannot be called

Tiffany, Angelique, or Princess, and it cannot be named after any kind of fruit,

fauna, wildlife, foreign city, minor pop star, or cheap designer label.

You want to name her? Yes, I do.

Okay.

I'd like to raise a toast to a little girl who is now in our family for good.

To Jane.

Baby Jane. Jane. Jane. Jane.

What kind of bat name is that?

It's the name Loretta chose.

Who knows, you might even be able to spell it.

It starts with a J.

It's also a classic movie about two loving sisters.

Whatever happened to Baby Jane?

Correct. Aw, is that a bit like you and me?

Yeah, a lot like you and me, actually.

Wow, that is so sweet. I think she might be kidding you, honey.

So there are advantages to having an elderly husband.

I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome Milt into our family.

I'm sure we'll all make him very welcome.

Cheers, Milt. Hi, Milt. Milt.

Thank you. I'm totally overwhelmed. Thank you.

And I am too, about the beauty of this moment.

And about being right about everything because of my philosophy.

So I want us all to take this moment, reach out and touch.

Touch what?

Whoever's sitting next to you.

Come on, just reach out. Take their hand. Come on, Mum.

And I want you all to remember who made this happen.

Even though some of you were incredibly rude.

fucking person next to you now!

Sorry to curse, but I have to talk to them in their own language.

What in Rome, baby?

Well, that turned out all right.

Yeah.

You and me, the whole family, it's a lot like old times.

Yeah.

Just know we can sort that divorce, eh?

DUDE!

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