Original subtitles

See you.

With child.

No way.

Whose boy is this?

The baby now, Lorena. It's too late.

No, I just got hassled by your grandpa, so if you've got issues, bro, it ain't

up to me.

Okay? Don't bug me.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm good, I know.

Don't touch me!

You're a monster.

But I love you.

You're my fiancé. I would not marry you if you were the last woman on earth.

What do you say?

Thank you, Dick Fletcher.

A lot of windows here, Ted.

Ted West, Theodore West, Edward West.

Who's Maurice Loveder?

Hope you're not indulging in any benefit fraud, old man.

He can paint the trot for you out of the bacon factory, but he's still got it

now. I think you set a new record there for pig references, Ted.

Pascal, you've got your uniform on, so you're probably going to work.

Oh, yeah.

Do you think you should have the day off?

Not. It's all I've got to live for.

Bloody brute.

What the hell happened?

I think it was a little thing.

You're going to have to get my hands on that little shit. I'll block them.

Well, we've gone to Wellington. Isn't that punishment enough?

Oh, is that money?

Back off.

My superannuation check. Pork a payout.

Eighty grand. I can help you in this, then.

Be gone, vulture.

Get Carter in the fifth of Hastings, sure part.

Yeah, I don't think so. I've got plans for that. Can I help you with that?

You and my brain.

Thanks.

It's a rusty nail. They didn't even want it.

Okay, bro.

It's all good.

Let him

go, bro.

Let him go.

Fiendishly clever, these Oriental number puzzles.

Still, if I can crack a safe, I can crack a bugger.

He's moving outside because of me.

Yeah, yeah, apparently the toxins and shit, they can hang around for ages.

I hope that beer's for your grandfather.

He can get his own beer.

Oh, for God's sake.

Have you ever heard of fetal alcohol syndrome?

Have you ever heard of stress relief?

You need to look after your health.

No, you mean I need to look after my baby's health?

Same thing.

Aren't you mothers supposed to drink a pint of beer a day? A pint of pen is for

nursing mothers.

My mum drank the black stuff when she was breastfeeding me and I turned out

okay. You're drinking for two now.

Are you going to drop in a cliche every day that I'm pregnant?

And more early nights, unless of that depressing music you listen to.

Oh, my God.

You've gone completely insane, haven't you? It all gets in through the walls.

What walls?

Your womb walls.

Try not to fall off the balcony when you're smoking outside.

Thanks. All right. Whatever.

Van? Van West?

Van fucking West.

The man. The machine. The legend.

Huh? The minotaur. The bandonator, huh? Then the man.

Bull team!

No, no, no, no. No fucking way.

Van fucking West does not come into my bar and buy a drink. All right?

It's on me.

It's on my tab, Roy.

I've got it, man. No worries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Grab it. Come meet my lads.

Hey, guys. Listen up. Listen up. Okay. This is Jimbo.

This is Nico.

Guys, this is the legend of Chappell High, okay? You've got to bow down

this man. All right? Van fucking West.

Okay, shift over. Give him some space.

Grab him, mate.

All right, okay. This man does not put his hand in his pockets tonight, okay?

Even the fisherman's basket's on me, eh? Yeah.

So, Ben, why do doctors slap babies when they're born?

I don't know. So the cops pull off the dumb ones.

There was no one at reception, so I just came through.

Ah, underliners. No staying power.

Vino?

Nah, not for me. I'm... You're on duty.

Not anymore, my friend. You're a civilian.

Enjoy the privileges.

I'll make it a quick one.

You still charging by the minute?

Actually, a guy asked me that the other day. I said, no, I charge by the

question. A thousand dollars for three questions. He said, really? I said,

what's your third question?

I'm here to settle up.

Sort away, are you?

What, including tonight?

Everything up till now.

Well, Shira's already paid that.

What? Well, clearly she and you need to work on something.

But will you talk to each other?

So was that your third question?

When the hell did this happen?

Oh, a while ago. You just got out. How much?

Um, just under 120.

120 grand?

Mm -hmm.

Where did you get that from?

I took out a loan. It was a private arrangement.

With who?

Carrie Cabbage.

What's he given you money for?

Well, he's not giving it. He lent it.

Des was his suggestion, so he just offered to help out paying for it.

Were you ever going to tell me any of this?

You had a lot on your bloody plate at the time.

And since then, we had better things to catch up on.

You should have mentioned it.

It's not a conspiracy, Wayne.

Now you do know.

It's all under control.

The interest rate's low, you'll be working soon, and we will kick this loan

the curb in no time.

No worry.

So anyway, this chick's all crying, and I, boo -hoo, please, don't tow my car.

And then she goes on to say, you know, there must be something I can do.

And I go,

Something? You know what I'm talking about.

Did she give you anything?

Oh, no, she was a bit of a dog, eh? But, you know, happens all the time.

Well, thanks for the beer in the seafood basket as well.

It's good to see you again, Eric. Bullsack!

Okay, I'll see you later, man.

Well, you're not walking home.

Yeah. I'll give you a lift in my truck.

You're a toey? Yeah, that's what I was telling you.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Best fucking job in the universe.

Do what I like, when I like, park where I like.

Rule one.

Towies, don't tow other towies.

Yeah? What a perk, man. Manpower, money, more pussy than you can shake a stick

at.

Open the glove box.

Another perk, help yourself.

You sure? Yeah, we're mates, aren't we?

Yeah, man.

Alright.

But then I see she's got two nipples on one tit, right?

No, great.

Like a puppy with two noses.

I still shagged her.

Oh, hotel, is it?

Look at all this shit.

How's she supposed to see where she's going?

It's an accident. Why didn't it happen?

And it's up to us, bro. It is our duty to take this one away.

Yeah, keep an eye out, will you, mate?

Don't worry about that.

We could drive straight past the cop shop, no one has had an eyelid.

Something else we could help with, mate.

Legend on the team tonight.

Welcome to my chop shop, brother.

We strip the cars, hit the bars. Right, lads? Fuck yeah.

Van is the man.

Do you remember that time in Swanson? You're off your face in acid, but you

still stripped that Honda Accord in record time.

You and that Mary guy. What was his name?

Mother. So, you're still the man, Van.

Still the legend.

Fuckin' A, bro. Oh, yeah!

Woo!

Whoa whoa whoa, line up, line up, line up!

You fuckin' A's!

Good night, mate.

What are you doing?

I'm feeding me and, by association, my baby through the walls.

With leftovers, you're not.

You'd be full of listeria. Mum, I'm hungry and it doesn't care.

You eat healthily from now on.

Cereal and vitamins and shit.

Oh, will the joy never end?

We're having cereal.

Gotta go.

Where you off to?

Money to spend.

Can you spend it on a ticket to get me out of this hell?

Got you a present.

No, you didn't. Yeah, I did.

It's for your baby.

Oh, really?

Mm -hmm.

Hey, do you know how to use this?

It's an iPod. It's like the simplest thing on the planet.

Mm.

You can pick this.

I got it from a mate.

This is the sisters Elton John and George Michael. Who exactly is this

No one. Van, are you having anal sex with men and not telling us about it?

you go.

Did you get that?

I got it for Loretta.

From his mate?

No, he didn't need it anymore.

Because he can now see over the steering wheel when he's driving along listening

to the stirring soundtrack of Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

Are we expecting the cops?

Nope.

Hey, Mr W, long time no see.

Mum,

this is my mate, Aaron.

We went to the same school.

Yeah, yeah, well, mates me and Ben, we go way back.

And you're looking good, Mr W.

We're sisters, man.

Oh.

Who the fuck are you?

Pascal. Baby.

You must remember me.

Aaron Spiller.

Shepold High.

Oh, yeah.

Is she seeing anyone?

Aaron, um, what are you doing here?

Thought you'd cut her out.

Cut her what?

Oh, the car we chopped.

Those jet parts sell like little yellow hotcakes, man. I wasn't expecting any

money or anything, Aaron. It was just a good night.

You know, good fun.

Well, take it. You earned it.

Good for my slack -ass mates. They're pro at work. Van West, the legend.

Take it.

We're mates.

Oh, shit, man. Yeah, man.

That piece of crap there cost me $12 ,000.

The artist died a year ago and now it's worth $100 ,000.

That's good for you.

Not so good for the artist.

Well, the point is, I'm happy to lend Cheryl the money.

I'm not missing it.

We're grateful to you for that, but I'm in a position to be able to make a dent

in what we owe you.

$80 ,000 worth of a dent.

It's not small.

There's dents go.

You should hold on to your money till you're working again.

And then we can have this talk.

She did the deal for you, Wayne.

Can I just pay you again?

Well, I can see you're not going to take no for an answer.

Make the check out for 20.

Keep the rest for yourself.

And then you've got something to live on.

70. 60.

65.

You know, this is the strangest negotiation I've ever been involved in.

50, Wayne.

And that is my final offer.

Done.

A couple of beers, thanks.

See? This is my place.

Sweet, eh?

Yeah, for a toilet.

Last week, you remember Karina Balani from school?

Yeah, I rooted her.

You wielded. But she got really, really wasted. She was on the pool table and

she started getting a... Let's go to the hook line and sink her.

Uh, no, man, let's, uh, we'll hang here, eh?

Oh, that's that merry mate of yours. Yeah, I used to know him.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, Hooray.

Hey, Hooray.

Bull's tag.

Darren Fuller, I remember you.

I'm a pretty memorable guy.

Why don't you piss off out of here, then?

Are you going to make me, Horry? No, no, no, just go away.

Yeah, let's get out of this jigaboo bar before we catch something.

Pregnancy is like the black hole of fun.

All the good things in life, sugar, fat, drugs, alcohol, all gone.

It's like a cruel cosmic joke.

Months and months of no fun and mum hassling me.

At least she cares.

By treating me like a retard every waking moment, every fucking day.

At least somebody cares about you.

Mum cares.

She said she wanted to smack Bruce.

He's willing to.

Thank God we've got the fridge.

Hey, don't knock the fridge.

Hey, Cheryl.

Holy shit!

Nothing escapes her.

What is this?

It even has an ice maker.

Is it down here?

It's replacing the shonky one Polona gave us. Him, Tarzan, you, Jane, he

provide. Me? Yeah, pretty.

Me, nauseous, and not even because I'm pregnant.

How much did they catch you with?

Nothing. Not about me, it's Van.

I thought you guys weren't bum buddies anymore.

We were never bum buddies.

Friends is what I meant.

I want you to say friends instead of being insulting. What about Van?

Do you remember a guy from school called Aaron Spiller?

Hey, mummy's boy, ball day.

Yep, I remember that little wanker. Why?

Him and Van are new best mates.

And this has to do with me because... Oh, no, not to do with me neither. I

thought you should know.

If Ian wants to hang out with a little cock -scratcher like Aaron Spiller, it's

his business.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Later.

Dick! I hear you got a new friend.

So? I hear this friend is Aaron Spiller, the ball tag jerk -off.

Who told you?

Manta.

Why the fuck would he give a fuck? I don't know, Van.

What are the point?

Why do you want to hang out with a cum stain like Aaron Spiller?

Well, Aaron's all right.

He's a mate.

Look, people that hang out with Aaron Spiller have a nasty habit of getting

themselves into a shitload of trouble, right?

And how he still finds people stupid enough to hang out with him is beyond

Well, I'm not stupid, and you're not the king of me.

Oh, for Christ's sakes, man.

For once in your life, listen.

This prick...

We'll bring you down.

What do you know? I bet you don't. I bet I do. I bet you don't. I bet I...

Okay.

A while back, Aaron Spillow was involved in a chop shop.

The cops raided the place and everyone went down except Aaron because Aaron got

nicked on a car theft the night before the raid.

He got diversion.

And his mates went inside.

Aaron Spiller spills.

Van is a fucking narc. Well, how do you know? I was his lawyer, shithead.

Nothing to do with me. What do I care?

Okay, I came here to help. If you want to be an asshole, be an asshole.

Ah, no, G3. You, my friend, are the asshole.

Got your mind on the line, huh?

It's my line now, I guess.

Is it?

So, to what do I owe this pleasure?

Well, I'm here to return something that doesn't belong to me.

That money's yours.

Can I tell you a story, Wayne?

Is it going to take long?

The boffins at Zarnie invented a miniature tape deck, OK?

But it was so small they couldn't fit speakers into it.

Just going somewhere? Because I really need to do my edges.

Well, on the other side of the factory, they had these headphones.

See?

This guy from Sony sees the two things, puts them together.

That was the Walkman. The company made squillions.

Brilliant. What's that got to do with my cheque?

You know Mike McCarthy?

Yeah, bit of a legend in his time. He perked and went into business.

Mike does work for me. Security cheques and so on.

Thing is, Mike's making noises about selling out.

All of it.

If you put the right things together, you could pay me back double time.

He gave you that stupid speech about the Walkman, didn't he?

Yep. You want to do a bit of crystal ball gazing, do you?

See your future? It's not much of a sales pitch.

Well, I haven't even started.

Hours are long.

I never meet damsels in distress.

Never solve cases that go all the way to the White House.

Did you know that already?

Yep.

Well, who says I'd want to sell it to a dirty cop?

You checked up on me?

Called a habit.

Call it bullshit.

Toilet paper.

Thinks of a set -up, especially for a man with your record of service.

I wish you were still on the force. I got out at the right time.

And now you want to sell up.

I'm not selling to just anybody.

How about we get a drink and talk about it?

Yeah, sounds like a plan.

As long as they don't mention that fucking war one.

No. No.

Have you got, like, a super sense of smell?

Saw you sneaking around the back.

Okay, were you this perfect when you were a mother?

Don't try to tell me that you didn't smoke and drink.

Things were different then.

This is abuse, is what it is. It's like I'm not even a human being anymore. I'm

just a transportation device for this stupid baby.

This is my first grandchild. This is important.

Oh, my God.

You're turning into an old person.

Oh, shut up.

Mum, if you don't lay off, I am going to go and smoke pee or something. You're

not that stupid.

If you're so obsessed with eating, what about your other daughter?

The one who's not eating anything at all?

What about her?

I just... Don't trust the hygiene standards at that place.

You can have the chips.

Nah, mate. But why, man? We're advanced.

I mean, we were building DVD players when other races were just getting their

heads around the wheelbarrow.

What about the Japanese?

I don't know. What about them?

Get good at DVD player.

Time to go to work, brother.

Hey, uh, Aaron, I'm pretty tired, mate, so I'm gonna head off.

What? You!

Fuck.

I told you I wasn't a cop car.

Piss off, this is my fucking cherry.

No, we were here first. You were hiding in the bushes like jungle bunnies. You

unhooked my car. This is my car.

You think?

Van, get the pinch bar from the cab.

Van West!

Filani? You know this old barno turd. Oh, what? You know this ape? Does your

mother know you're hanging around with these sort of people? Oh, Van, get the

pinch bar. I'm going to beat some manners into these fucking coconuts.

Piss off, Hitler boy. Fuck's sakes, you guys. You want to wake up the whole

fucking neighbourhood.

Aaron, I know Filani. He's okay.

Yeah, I'm the most okay man in okay town.

Look, just let him have the car. We'll get another one. Come on. What? No way.

These boongers have been nicking cars on our patch for years.

Your patch?

This is Auckland.

Samoan land. Oh, you think so? Yeah, yeah, I do think so.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

You eat your cookie.

Thanks, Mom.

So he's running down the street with his pants down and cuffed. He turns around

to call me a wanker and I smack him to a lamppost.

Should you be eating now?

Don't you stop?

Hey, this is Mike.

Mike,

this is Cheryl.

Evening. That's...

This is Loretta. Hi.

I'm begging of going into business with Mike.

Oh, if you make the grade.

What kind of business are we talking about?

Private investigations.

Security. Really?

Mike McCarthy. Jesus, you let one pig in the door and pretty soon you're

infested with him.

Theodore West.

I knew I knew this bloody house.

Now you can piss off out of it.

Where'd you hide it, Ted? Don't know what you're talking about.

You know, the Smith and Coie's job.

Piss off, die wondering.

Ted. Stay out of it.

Me and this bastard have unfinished business.

On my oath we have.

Drink? Thought you'd never ask.

Bloody coconut.

I mean, what's he doing over here anyway?

Taking out jobs, taking out a bloody woman? Well, he's not like that.

Well, what is he then, gay?

He's married.

Whose side are you on here anyway, then?

I'm not on anyone's side, man.

Instead of going on about bloody coconuts, why don't you, you know...

Well, we'll find Filani and sort things out, man.

You reckon?

Yeah.

It's Van the Legend's final word on the matter, is it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

All right?

See who wants another drink.

Yeah, why not?

So, what do you want to go into business with this twat for?

Yeah, thanks, Ted.

What do you think of him?

Wouldn't have him in the house if it was my choice.

Thanks for going into business, then. That'd be a mistake.

Why's that?

Wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw Bert Thompson.

How's Bert? Dead.

Lefty Munro?

I thought you'd retired.

So you don't rate Wayne, huh?

Reminds me of a prick I used to know. Dogged bastard. Wore a safari suit.

I remember him.

Sharp -looking fella.

I recall him chasing some villain halfway down Lincoln Road in that safari

Caught him as well.

Then that woman come out and threw a bucket of water over us. Thought we were

couple of Nancy boys getting it on in the dark.

It ain't as bad as that bastard, eh? Worse, I'd say.

Thanks for the tip.

Yeah, thanks, Nancy boy.

Up yours on, Kat.

Mike seems like a decent sort of bloke. Yeah. He could do a lot worse than going

to business with him.

But what's the catch?

Why do you have to be so suspicious?

It just seems too easy.

Catch is shut up. Stop worrying him. Fuck me.

Okay.

You know it's your fault I'm dying here, don't you? That bastard old thief.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's a prick, all right.

So I got myself a new partner in crime?

Depends how you answer this question.

Far away.

What's the catch, Mike?

I've been through your books, I've checked out your client list, talked to

everybody I can about you, and everything.

Everything comes up squeaky clean.

And your problem is? There's always a catch, Mike.

You want to hear the truth?

I'm tired.

What I need is some numbnuts to come in and do all the shit work.

You pony up for a share of this millstone, you'll be doing all the hard

while I bugger off and go fishing.

So I'll hand over 50 grand to be exported by a crusty old work -shy

Pretty much.

You knew there was a catch.

BFA.

Thought I'd find you in this shit hole.

You have to come with me.

Now?

Yeah, we need you right now. It's kicking off.

What's kicking off? Oh, you'll see.

No, look, Aaron, I've got some shit to sort out here, so... No, no, no, you're

not listening to me. We need you. This is D -Day, buddy.

Day of fucking reckoning.

Um... No, Aaron, I can't come with you. No, no, Dan, no.

You're one of my lads now. You know how my lads stick together?

No, I'm not one of your lads. I think you are, Van.

Eh, see?

Oh, look.

That's a good one, eh?

Oh,

and that's a nice one too.

Then we're scored in the act, eh?

Hey, but we're mates, eh? And you've got to come, because this is your idea.

Your fucking idea. Come on.

You're going to love this.

Love what?

It was all your idea. You were so onto it. It's a legend.

What's all my idea?

What happened to your face, bro?

We've got a problem here.

I will kill you! Kill your fucking white asses! I'll kill you all!

I'll kill your family! Then I'll kill you some more!

You're like a woman! A dead woman!

What the fuck have you done?

Talk to him. Tell him to shut up and sit down. Yeah, then what?

Well, you know.

No.

This is all your idea. You said to sort him out, but hey, fuck, I'm sorting him

out. This isn't sorting things out.

This is fucking crazy, man. You're mental.

Van West?

Is that Van West?

Are you calling me fucking mental?

Yes, this is Van West, and yes, I'm calling you fucking mental because you

This man here?

He's a personal friend of the West family, right? So you hurt him, you hurt

You don't want to do that, bro.

Because... Because what?

Because you'll tear your fucking nuts off and feed them to the fishes!

Your balls will sleep with the fishes!

What the fuck, Filoni?

But, yep, what he said about the fish. So you would choose this brown bastard

over your buds.

Your mate.

You're not my mate, Aaron, okay?

You're a fucking idiot, and you always were.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Ball tag.

What's going on?

What's happening, Van? What's happening, Coconut, is if you don't sit down and

shut the fuck up, Van West is going to get his head caved in.

Didn't like what I saw, eh?

There's something going down.

Drug deal, maybe?

Nah. If it was a drug deal, Van would be like, awesome score.

He wouldn't like that.

Mum, sometimes we outgrow people.

You said that.

Yeah, I did.

Come here!

And I'll find you like the bat and bite your face off! Shut up!

I will cannibal lictor your pungency white flesh.

Shut the fuck up. Why don't you give it a rest for a minute, Filoni? It's all

right, Ben. I've got this all under control.

Death is coming to town and he's wearing a lava lava.

There'll be nothing left but a crater filled with your blood from which I'll

drink.

Do your worst.

I will rise up and rain furious vengeance upon you.

Hey, Filardi. Yeah? We were pretty fucked here, eh, mate?

We're gonna die here in this shed at the end of E. Mervyn Taylor Drive.

Is that where we are? Aaron and his mates.

They're gonna do us in unless someone... What the fuck's going on over there?

Get my head off and I'll get you new ones!

Every single one of you will die by my hand tonight!

You're a dead man, Van Witt.

What? What?

Who the fuck did you call?

No one. Who the fuck did you call? No one, man.

The fucking phone was in my pocket.

How am I going to call someone when my phone's in my pocket? I'd have to know

their fucking number off by heart.

Get real.

Yeah, that would be really hard. Well, I told you to fucking search him. Yeah,

run away. Run away while death deals it to you.

Samantha. Sorry, council lady.

What the fuck are you doing here? Aaron's going to kill Van.

Hey? Aaron, spill him, man. Where do we find him?

Don't blame me for this, Van.

You've travelled the path of grief.

You know, when my brother died, I walked many bad paths.

Some places worse than this.

But you'll find it.

Your path, man.

You will.

If these cocksucks don't kill us first.

This is our country.

We don't need no cocksucks here. Our fucking car's fucking got that.

See the lights off in here?

Last known resident.

Looks like a chop shop.

It is. What kind of dick would put the chop shop down as his address?

Aaron Spiller.

It was his truck.

Okay, we go in there, we kick out, we take no prisoners.

Yeah, or we could call the cops.

So Aaron Spiller can dob on van like he did his last mate?

I don't think so.

You ever wanted to drive a tow truck?

No, not really.

You do now.

Okay, one potato, two potato, three potato, four.

You. Are.

It. Alright, it's decided. Gooch kills them, we help bury them, yeah?

What the hell? Take one of the pinks. Be that fucking coconut green.

Muffy? This sounds like Muffy.

He's got Muffy!

What happened?

Man.

You got my call? Mm -hmm. Oh, no, we're being saved by a bloomin' Murray. We'll

never hear the end of this. Don't have to save the boat for you.

Sweet boat!

Oh, looky here.

The lovers reunited.

You're going to call your mate to bring my truck back?

Think it's going to happen? Nah.

I'm not the right dickhead.

I'll take it from here.

The snake will have his meat.

Where are you going?

Where are you going?

Here's to the two.

And come household.

And a fridge with an ice maker, let's not forget that.

Definitely not.

It was always as good as, um, Rusty Hanky.

Yeah.

No, no, you keep it.

You got a pickle with him, remember, at the back of Dean Oswego's place?

Yeah, and I can borrow him anytime.

Yeah, for sure, man.

Good shit don't get locked.

Sometimes we just put down the cracker, do we?

Look. Look what else I found.

I reckon it's a thousand years old.

Ha ha.

Good crack of dew. We're never bogging that fucker up. No fucking way, man.

Oh,

hey, did we wake you guys up?

Yeah, that's all right.

Oh, choice bridge, eh?

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Oh, then yep. You guys want a drink?

Yeah, bro.

Get the best out of me.

This program was made with funding from New Zealand On Air.