Original subtitles

What happened to your moustache?

You don't want to know.

Kidding. Kidding.

I just saved it up.

Don't joke about anything.

Sure, relax. I'm out of here tomorrow.

You shouldn't even fucking be in here. I agree.

How's the packing going? Don't change the subject.

It's too late.

Oh, it's fine.

Just getting the kids out of the house is the problem.

I thought this was the highlight of the West family calendar.

It is, it is. They just need a little reminding, you know.

I'm sure it's funny for everyone else when I spend Christmas Day with

but no way!

Never again!

I need to look after Bruce because he's working double shift.

Why do you make us go through this every year?

It's just wrong.

Listen, you lot, I'm only going to say this once. We're going to Tutakuri Bay

a family for Christmas and you're going to fucking enjoy it whether you want to

or not. Now go pack.

I want you to be there.

I will be.

Judge walks in tomorrow and says, what's this man doing on remand? Let him go

free until his trial.

Then I'm out of here and I'm on that bus.

You don't want to ride on the bus, not with Eric driving.

You might safer in the car with me.

Point it.

I will spend Christmas Day with you whether you like it or not.

I bet this is the most perfect present ever.

And Bruce doesn't even believe in Christmas.

Loretta, have you packed yet?

Have fun.

I'm all right.

Yes, I've packed.

Not that there's a bugger or a leaf to pack.

This will be the first Christmas there without Wolf.

You want to join him in my carrier? You fill your boots.

Just don't expect me to sit at the table with your boyfriend.

If I let him out, that is.

Pretty much.

Day three's gone.

Mum, who's got day three?

Day three was so lucky for me last year with that sweetest backpack.

Day one, Sophie?

Day one meaning today or tomorrow?

Today.

Nah, too soon even by Pascal's standards.

Tell you what, put me down for day five.

What day's it free?

Mum, you can't bet on when your daughter's going to give it up. Sure I

Tell you what, day seven's still there. I'll grab that. I've got faith in my

little girl.

Yeah, hey, no cheating by putting the hard word on it. Oh, God, no chance

ever listen.

OK, we're leaving as soon as I get back, all right?

Ah, I thought we were meeting at the courthouse. There's a problem.

No, don't you dare.

Law Society Christmas tree last night?

Dodgy oysters.

And a whole lot of people went down with gastroenteritis, including our judge.

Shit.

The court schedule's in chaos.

And I'm trying to get him a new hearing. No, I need him out of prison. And I

will get him remanded, Cheryl.

Just maybe not before Christmas.

Look, he shouldn't even be in there. Cheryl, I know. And we'll deal with that

when we get there.

But for now, I need to get him a new hearing. No, no. I need him out of

today. You don't fucking... What?

You heard?

Yeah, I heard.

You can never touch the bloody shellfish.

Where are you?

Court.

Look, they pulled the plug on today.

I'm just about to get back in the van, go back to prison.

I'll meet you at Tutai Kuti Bay.

How? I'll drive my car.

No, no, how will you get out?

It's what we pay lawyers for, isn't it?

Look, I have to go.

I love you.

I love you too.

I will see you on Christmas Day.

Thanks, mate. Have a good group.

Thanks, girl.

We need more rum, don't we? Don't we need more rum? I'm going out, so I'll

us some. You, you're in charge.

Oh, God, she is so, so going to cut loose this year.

Nice.

I thought you'd do a runner.

Yeah, I was in the car heading south.

What's it up to?

Fear of mum.

Fair enough.

I'll tell it.

Throw your stuff on the bus. No, I'm going in my own car in case I get called

back for work.

Well, what about our traditional trip up on the bus?

Singing carols.

The Indian doctor man's not coming.

No. So, Van's got day two, Mum's got day three, Eric's day five, Aurora day six,

and Mum's taking day seven.

I'll be down for day four then, I guess.

Okay.

Well, there's something that you don't see every day.

What? A tractor.

In West Auckland.

That is unusual.

Hey, you guys!

There's a tractor.

Cheryl here?

Why is there a tractor on the front lawn?

Jeanette parked it there.

Jeanette? She's in your room.

I had nowhere else to go.

Right, we're going to the beach.

What about Jeanette? We can't just leave her here. Sure we can.

Mum? What?

What about Jeanette? She's your first... What's your point?

I don't know.

She drove a tractor all the way from the Wairarapa.

It took her two days to get here. We can't just ignore her and leave her

And what if the house is infested with brethren when we get back? Well, we'll

take a chance. Mum!

What? She's really upset.

If you're worried about that, you deal with it. Come on, we're going. Now.

She can't do that. It's wrong, especially on Christmas.

This is ancient history. I want no battle.

Over to you, Saint Pascal.

Balani, it's the Ritter.

I don't know if there's much of a market for tractors at the moment, but for a

thousand bucks, I know where there is a top -of -the -line model for taking.

Loretta! Call me.

Yeah? You drive.

Oh.

Only me.

She doesn't want to talk to me.

Okay.

Okay.

Mum seems a little bit preoccupied right now.

And what with both Dad and her new boyfriend in prison.

And plus Christmas and everything.

Yeah, the last thing she needs is her loony sister turning up.

You're not loony just because you joined some weird cult.

What I meant was that we're going away for Christmas and Mum said she'd love it

if you joined us.

Right.

Who is coming on the Partridge family butthole meeting?

What?

Are you okay?

We don't have to go to Tutankhamun Bay if you don't want to.

I

haven't

got any clothes.

Ah, wouldn't do it for my mum.

We'll be cool.

You'll see.

Come on.

That didn't break bread and everyone's looking at me, especially the men.

Yeah, I get that a lot too.

They didn't think that I was contrite even after being shut up. How'd they do

that? What?

Shut you up.

By shutting me in a room.

Oh, wow.

Why? Because I wasn't contrite. I realised that my whole life was a lie.

You know, I think that... And I don't know how I got through that man.

And the prayers, always with the prayers. And all I could think was...

I've made a huge mistake.

I've wasted the last 18 years of my life.

So I hope we're at the track we took off.

Wow, you are my mum's sister.

You know she hates me.

But you have no idea what it's like being the ugly sister. No, I don't. You

could talk to Loretta about that, though.

I haven't had a drink in years.

Guess you're making up for lost time, then.

Pitch attempt wherever you like.

It's pretty informal around here.

That is beautiful.

It is, isn't it?

What are you doing here? It's Christmas.

No. Not after last year. Not after the forest fire. Nobody ever proved it was

our firework that started that fire. You were shooting skyrockets at the bloody

helicopter.

We banned you, people. No, you suggested that we don't

come on dock land again. That's a very different thing. Come on, Graham.

Out of the way before we have to drive over you.

We're fully booked. No, you're not. Anyway, we've got a booking.

Page. Jimmy Page.

And family.

Bought and paid for, I think you'll find.

Congrats.

Who's in our spot?

Well, there's a good spot over there. Not the point. This is our spot.

Druska. Hi.

Isn't this place just beautiful?

You're in our spot.

What? You're in our camping spot.

No, the top guy said that we can put our tent wherever we want. Yeah, but not

here. Is there a problem? The problem is we camp where you're standing. From

before my kids were born, this bay, this spot, is where we celebrate Christmas.

The spot over there is just as good. That's not the point. The point is get

our fucking spot. What are you going to do about it?

Get your cop boyfriend to evict us?

Hey, hey, hey.

What do you want to do, start a fight over a campsite so we can all spend

Christmas with Wayne?

Look, you're pissed off he's not here. I get that. This is not the way to

fucking deal with it.

So then, how do the dark witches know about two -day quarantine?

Oh, really? Yeah, good one.

Someone else took it.

What happened to her?

Exclusive breather and can't hold it fast.

I've run the window down, so if she chucks, at least she'll be outside of

car. Oh, thank God.

Hey, where's Mum?

She needed to chill out, so she's gone for a swim at the really cool bay next

door. Meanwhile, I've got a drunk sister asleep in my car.

Hey,

I never told Drask about Tutakuri Bay, all right?

Doesn't matter, man.

Yeah, but... Look, I never told her, okay?

Oh.

Oh.

The campsite that we got at Dirkery Bay.

The perfect camp spot in the whole world.

See you next Christmas.

Can you show me the perfect kink bottle for myself, would you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What?

What, what?

What you said.

Oh, oh,

oh, oh.

I thought you were going to say something.

Yeah, no, I was just remembering.

We should get one of those shower tints.

That'd be a good thing.

Yeah, bro.

It's amazing.

I reckon.

It's the tranquility that gets me every year.

You know, I reckon this spot might actually be better.

Oh, no.

Geez, are we never new.

Let's go drive back to town and get some hay fever medicine.

Good luck.

Right. I'm going for a walk.

Let the torment begin.

Come on.

Van and Mud have sold your battery so you can't leg it to the motel you

How do you know about that?

Because you're totally transparent.

You'll get it back the day we all leave.

What do you want, Loretta?

I've done something really bad.

And that's unusual? How?

My pet ferret's escaped.

Is that so?

She might eat the dodderalls.

Right. And she's pregnant, so pretty soon there's going to be lots of little

ferrets running around trying to eat the dodderalls.

Is that the best you've got?

Excuse me?

Right, why don't you?

Just chilling out, Paul.

Just taking some time on my own.

My own.

Want to join?

Yeah, okay.

Not the same, is it?

No, it's exactly the same. That's why I've got to get out of here.

Except some pricks took my car battery.

Hi. Hi. Go ahead.

What? Sure.

Thanks, mate.

I didn't beg me.

I saw her first.

You can't beg a human being.

Anyway, I saw her first.

Good, you're back.

It was a really cool bath, though. Really cool. No, I didn't get there.

Never mind about that now. We need to talk about Jeanette. What about her?

passed out in my car.

The f... What the fuck did you bring her for?

You said I should look after her, so I am. Not by bringing her here.

Why didn't you go to the beach?

There was a gate.

A what?

A gate.

We can see that now.

Where am I going to go? We'll come all over town.

Look, we found that bay, so that bay's ours.

Fucking gate.

Okay, that's perfect.

Hey there.

It's your guy.

Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Hey, have a nice day.

American.

American.

Everyone's been afraid.

I'm cutting loose.

It happens every year. It's like a symbol of her leaving behind the outside

world by getting pissed.

Gee, but why's everyone afraid?

You'll see.

Well, all I want is a driving wheel.

Yep, all I want is a driving wheel. The thing is, you're a man now, Jethro.

Sorry, man.

And it's your job to be in charge.

Come on.

Hey, you shut up. No, you shut up. No, you shut up.

No, you shut up. You're a good girl, good girl.

You're a good, good, good. No, no, listen to me, Ted. Wayne is a really,

really good man.

I am.

I'm Wayne.

go to the toilet, and then I'm going to go to bed.

Ah!

I didn't just play somewhere to sleep, Mom.

Fucking hell.

Jesus. Why can't they have a little proper toilet?

Because worms are environmentally friendly.

Fucking distinct.

Do you think they've digested your iPod yet?

How's it smell?

Always best before the sun's up.

Morning. I know this is futile, but there were a few complaints about the

last night. Yeah, it was them two.

Bloody deli music.

Yeah,

and I'll talk to the dozzlers next. They were way louder than us. We had to turn

our stereo up really loud just to hear it.

You people have been coming here all these years and you still don't get it.

What this place is about.

People come here for the peace and quiet, not the shouting, swearing and

turned up to 11.

You people, you're... Well, what?

Barbarians.

That's what Graham was going to say.

You just don't get it, that's all.

Yeah, well, at least we're not selling out to the Yanks.

What? Doc, it's selling the really cool bay next door.

Tamuri Bay?

Yeah, if that's what you call it.

It's not Dockland. It's never been Dockland.

Oh, yeah, so that makes it all right then, does it? You're selling this

off to the highest bidder.

Tab's a good bloke, actually.

Tab? What about her name is Tab?

He's a good man.

He's doing a lot of replanting of natives. Oh, so he bought you off with

Please, keep the noise down or I'll put a fucking axe through your stereo.

You can't say that, Graham.

Police are in danger of growing some bulls with you.

Here. Mum looks really hot in this. Your suit are heaps better.

Thanks, Pascal.

Sorry about your car.

Oh, it wasn't that bad.

I cleaned it up with Van's towel.

Help yourself.

Mum, she's only got the clothes she arrived in.

They're all covered in chuck.

Isn't this how it works between us?

You took something of mine, I'll take something of yours.

Take what you want.

I'm not sleeping in that tent again.

Please, Cheryl. I have been through hell all these years and I found it in my

heart to forgive you. Can't you find it in yours to even talk to me? Mean it.

You're not sleeping in the tent.

She always was the one who could hold grudge the longest.

She's not here.

Who?

The one you seek.

The mermaid.

I heard.

I don't know, I was just out for a walk.

What are you doing?

It's a martial art I invented.

Helps clear my mind.

It's working.

She was here.

She was jogging.

It was awesome.

She came over and talked to me.

I taught her in my martial art.

So where is she now?

She disappeared into the bush, like a kehua.

That's Māori for ghost.

Yeah, I know what it is.

That's right, you're the educated West.

Her name's Madison.

You can stop looking at her any time you like.

Hey?

Drasca. Oh, no, I'm looking at the Dorslick brothers.

Do you reckon Pascal would root them?

Because if she doesn't root someone today, then I lose the bet.

Oh, what a tragedy.

And they roll on tomorrow when the money's all mine.

It's your dream.

No, for real. I met this Swedish guy down the other end. She digs Swedish

Not this year.

What day have you taken, just for the record?

I've taken no day.

Man meets off the menu this year.

You'll see.

Okay. Jeanette is refusing to come out of her tent. And she's like misery if it

looks like a person.

Personified. Misery personified. Man, whatever happened between mum and her to

make mum not forgive her is... I don't know.

Unforgivable.

You know what we should do?

Leave it alone and let them sort it out?

We should find a way to get them talking, and then it could be like our

Christmas present to her. What if she doesn't want her sister as a present?

No, Mum's always giving me crap I don't want for Christmas.

Hey, face girl.

Hi, dress girl.

Hey, do you guys want to come play some volleyball to see who rules Tudor Curry

Bay? No, it's pretty good.

What are you, a chicken?

Better than being a dog.

Yeah, we'll play.

Oh, aren't you so big and tough and... Scary.

Do you think so?

Cool. Come on.

Come on. Well, whose beach is this?

Theirs or ours?

Ours.

So, are we bored?

So, we surf first.

Oh man, it's like their ball was zeroed in on your nuts. Shut up.

Not so much quality time for you tonight, dearie.

It wasn't all bad.

Ow! Oh, sorry. Over the neck.

Oh,

sorry.

What are you looking for?

Sorry?

You're looking for treasure.

Sort of.

My wife's wedding ring. Did she lose it?

No, I did.

Christmas after she died.

I came up here to be alone.

I was a bit shickered.

Had a bit of a blub thinking of it.

Then I got angry.

With the world, with her for leaving me.

I had her ring and I... threw it away.

Woke up next morning, realised what I'd done. Of course I couldn't find it.

Next year I bought this little baby.

I've been looking for that ring ever since.

How many years is that?

This is five.

Oh, my God.

That is so romantic.

Stupid and all that.

Still, if it's the price I have to pay... Would you, um, like

to take a break for a few minutes?

Have a cup of tea?

Tea and tea?

Bit early in the day, isn't it?

We're on holiday.

I'm Bev.

Vivian.

Theodore.

But you can call me Ted.

How you doing in here?

I heard you a bit down, so I thought I'd better bring you some of Eric's patent

to pick me up.

Is there alcohol in it?

Just a tiny bit.

Oh, I'm not sure. After yesterday.

Come on now.

You've got to get back on that horse.

And you'd know all about horses, wouldn't you?

Well, being an exclusive brethren, I have a buggy and a bitch.

You've got us confused with the Amish. Have I?

Yeah.

You know, there's so much you could teach me about your old world.

But if you didn't want to talk about your old world, then I can help you to

adjust to your new world.

What are you doing here?

Comforting Jeanette. Nice try. Bugger off.

But leave the drink.

Hi.

Oh, yeah, ladies, too.

Check.

Thanks, Eric.

Okay. Be very careful of Eric.

He's a sexual predator.

Not that you probably know what that means.

God, you've got so much to learn now you've escaped.

Thoughts up between you and Mum?

We all know you guys haven't spoken in years, and we all want to do what we can

to make things right.

She stole my one true love.

Uncle Case?

No.

Wolf.

Should I pray?

It's deep.

Beautiful day. Every day's beautiful here.

Very true.

I think we'll be coming here a lot more from now on.

Rago!

We'll eat like gods tonight!

You genius!

Oh, for you I make brodetto.

Brodetto!

Giddy, it told me.

Told you what?

How you... Stole dad from her?

Yeah, they went out before Wolf and I hooked up. Then he realised what a

bitch she is and that was that.

She said that's why she ended up in the church.

She always was a bit religious nutty.

Are you going to apologise to her?

If she wants an apology, Wolf can apologise to her. Mum, she's your

So people keep telling me.

You're going to have to talk to her eventually.

Even I talked to Loretta. Listen, I don't have to do anything to her, not

what she did.

What did she do?

Forget about it.

That's what I'd do for you.

Going skinny dipping.

Don't wait up.

Should we be worried about that? I don't even want to think about it. They're

burning.

Whatever.

Sausages again.

Now, the normal sausages, good traditional Kiwi summer food. Not every

night. Well, is there something else you feel like, Cheryl? Why can't we have

fish? We always used to have fish.

Dad always caught.

Well, all frogs are in the bus.

Just that we've got the whole damn ocean there and we're eating fucking

sausages. I mean, the dothlicks have got fish. Why can't we have fish? What is

the point of being here at a feet if we can't have fish?

Sorry?

Doesn't matter.

Whatever.

Would you like a beer, Cheryl?

God, yeah.

You just missed her.

Who? You know who.

Where is she?

Madison's gone back to the house.

What house?

Her house.

Are you stone?

Yeah.

Why?

There's no house in there.

Yes, there is.

Madison's house with Finn.

When? When she took me there.

She's amazing, eh?

You know, she's a model and a marine biologist. How rare is that?

Marine biologist?

Who studies dolphins.

In your dreams, pal.

Thank you, Jethro.

In my dreams, will she be a marine biologist?

Hell no.

Should be a nympho rich chick with a thing for brown dick.

True.

Like, you there too, eh?

Hi. Hi.

Madison, right?

Right.

You lost me? Yeah, I was just out, um, walking in the bush.

Uh, you haven't got a toilet I could use, have you?

Court.

You know to boil that before drinking, right?

I think we've been coming here long enough to know that, yeah.

That is undeniably true, despite the best efforts of several government

departments.

How come every time I see you get water, you bring a big container and a small

container?

The small container is water that I tell Jethro has been boiled.

Why? It's an experiment.

And? Every couple of years or so, he gets the shit.

Last year was pretty spectacular.

Good to know it's not just me you torment.

Is there something different about you?

Sorry? This year.

Is there something different about you? No.

Must be you.

Were you just flirting with the ranger?

No. Looked like it to me.

No, he was telling me about the new filtration system they've got. That

you don't have to boil the water anymore.

Really? Yeah, really.

You were in there so long I was starting to get worried.

Hmm. Bit of a tummy thing.

Yeah.

Happens sometimes when we come here.

I'm afraid you have to go now.

And Madison and I have a dinner party to attend.

Oh, yeah?

Pretty flash sort of dinner party, eh? Around here?

Yeah, it's in Auckland.

Oh, yeah.

Long way to drive for a dinner party.

We're taking the chopper.

Oh.

Follow the driveway to the track back down the campground.

Down there?

Yeah. Oh.

Tim Edison.

Have a nice night.

What I'm saying is the traditional West family Christmas Day bonfire at the

really cool bay.

History, if we don't do something about it. Then do something about it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the West family

and non -associates.

Annual Christmas lighting extravaganza is ready to

run.

Ranger Graham won't accuse us of being the loud ones tonight.

Is it that they're eating?

Smells joy, see?

It's potato.

This awesome Croatian fish dish that Mrs. D makes.

Well, go on, help yourself.

I'm sure you could help yourself to anything you want over there.

Hey, should we be worried that Grandpa's not here?

What?

Grandpa's moved up.

When? When you were in the shower.

Why? Grandpa's got a threesome.

He's sharing a tent with these old ladies.

Oh, my God, he's going to have a heart attack.

Tell us, Mum.

Tell us what happened.

Jeanette has sworn herself at Eric because of you.

Oh, Eric's lucky day.

Tell me.

Go to bed, you pig.

Okay. Good night.

See you.

And the day of the month arrives.

What are you crapping on about?

Pithgill, no man today. That means you're out there.

I got day three and I have a foolproof plan.

She's not going to sleep with you, Manta.

Not me, Ed.

Ranger Graham.

But he wouldn't go for her.

Yes, she's hot and he spends all year hanging out with doctorals for company.

That's your mother. I really don't look for her.

I'm going up to the top of Cellphone Hill tomorrow. Do you guys want to join

Night, Cheryl.

How awful.

What an awful life.

You're better off away from that brother and not trust me.

Are you a sexual predator?

Eh? Pascal says you're a sexual predator.

Pascal!

That girl! What would she know?

No.

Well, blue lady, tell me.

Apart from a few guys when I was young.

And Wolf.

Case is the only guy I've ever been with.

Well, if it'll help me to adjust to life outside the church.

Yeah, I think it would.

Come on. Come on, come on.

You have one new message.

Cheryl, it's Katie!

Hey, Joe!

It's Debbie Susan's love exhibit. He's not here. It's Christmas Eve! It's her!

Look at the cock kill! It's past midnight! It's Christmas Eve! Oh, shit!

mum's gonna kill me! My mum's babysitting!

Anyway, we just wanted to call you to wish you a Merry Christmas!

Stupid daughter rules this year.

Oh, I wouldn't call the doctor stupid.

An acquired taste, sure, but not stupid.

I wouldn't know. I've never eaten one.

Maybe on Christmas Day they must taste better than turkey.

He's better.

Why do you think they're endangered?

Anyway, I came here to warn you about something.

Like your tsunami warning of three years ago?

Your all -time bad taste low?

One German family up a tree does not make it my all -time bad taste low.

What's the warning, Loretta?

You know that Maori guy with her?

Lamanta?

Yeah.

Well, at some stage today, he's going to suggest that you might like to root my

sister.

Blonde, long legs, big tits, no brain.

Pascal? Yeah.

Well, don't. Root her? No.

Why not? Does she have a disease?

Probably, but she's in a relationship.

Sort of.

So, why would she want to root me?

Well... She wouldn't normally, but I'm just ruling out the remote possibility.

Not that you'd want to root her anyway.

I don't know.

I get lonely with only the dodgeballs for company.

Would it be a problem for you if I did?

For me?

No, I just have a lot of money riding on the fact that she won't root anyone

while we're here.

You bet on whether your sister will have sex or not.

Helps pass the time.

You're one special family. Just say no, or one by one, your daughter is welcome.

Where's your father this year?

He's not here.

It's a long story. Why?

Well, it explains a lot.

Are you saying that I'm here with you because I'm looking for some kind of

father figure?

No.

I was just saying if he was here, he would have kicked that other family off

your spot.

Yeah, he would have.

Hello, Ben.

Fucking dress girl.

I haven't had a chance to talk to you yet.

Yeah, that's because apart from the times when your brothers have been

me in the nuts, I've been avoiding you.

I really love being here, like being next door and knowing that you're in the

next team.

Okay.

You do remember that we broke up ages ago, right?

Maybe.

Yes, Ben.

Hello.

Hey. Hello.

This guy up at the toilet, chucking his ring out, man.

Yeah, he's just really going for it. Yeah, it was my father. Really?

Joyce.

See you on the beach.

You bet.

She came out of nowhere. It's okay.

I'm here to protect you.

She's not here.

Yeah, I know.

We're in Auckland.

No, they came back this morning. She's gone diving. Says she's going to bring

some crazy.

Well, I didn't hear a helicopter.

Came back in a Ferrari, Tab, singing about buying medicine.

Oh, yeah?

Nice to have a boyfriend like Tab, eh?

He's her brother, not her boyfriend.

Think it's your hoax, huh?

Oh, no, that's right. She's got a thing for brown dick, eh?

That was crass of me, bro.

We've got more of a spiritual connection.

Oh, Jesus.

OK. If you're on such good terms with Madison and Tab, you tell them that this

country belongs to New Zealanders, okay? And we've got every right to have our

bonfire at that beach tomorrow night.

You tell them they can stick a fucking gate where the sun doesn't shine.

Yeah, I'll pass it on.

Or when? The next time the magical marijuana fairy appears?

Huh?

Not a good idea.

You were really good at soccer in school, man.

Yeah, but you were crap.

I can kick really good.

They're delis.

Soccer's like in their blood. Yeah, but we can't just let them run around the

beach like they own it. What is it with you wissing earning this place?

Man, there's plenty of too tight could evade for everyone.

Shut up. Come on.

Hey, Ben.

Hey.

Manta.

Truska.

So you guys want a game?

Are you sure you're going to be okay with what happened yesterday?

Oh, he's okay.

In fact, last night, he was way more than okay.

Okay, but it's our ball. We get to kick off. Whatever.

See? This is where it started going wrong yesterday.

It can only end badly. Shut up. Play.

That must have hurt, eh, Munson?

Well, it didn't go so bad.

You reckon?

I know we got thrashed, but... Had a moment.

Ow!

And Munter got a gold once he could walk again.

Why does my tail smell like puke?

Any luck?

Last night I shared a bed with two women. What do you think?

I'm in with the treasure hunt.

I did find something that might once have been a nipple ring.

Don't look at me.

Hey, Grandpa.

Grandma was a few years younger than you, right?

Ten. Why?

And she was pretty young when you guys started going out, right?

Sixteen. Why?

So it's almost traditional for West women to have a thing for older guys,

No.

Yeah? No, Rita wasn't a West woman until I made her one.

Wests always end up with someone younger than them.

Me with Rita.

Your dad with slutty pants.

Okay, so maybe West men prefer younger women, but West women... My sister was

when she eloped with a 14 -year -old boy.

Okay, okay, so maybe Wests end up with people younger than them, but along the

way, it's okay to go a bit older from time to time, right?

Look, I don't know what sort of behaviour you're expecting me to

what you want.

Just don't mess up my flow.

Your flow? Who are you, Scribe?

Cool, cool.

Hello. Hello. Try not to damage them.

Look at her.

If you insist.

So sad.

Yeah.

Why? It's Christmas Eve.

Normally on Christmas Eve, she's running around panicking about Christmas lunch

and yelling at us.

Yeah, it's a real tragedy she's not doing that, ain't it?

It's like she's lost the will to go on.

Either that or she's got Aurora to do everything for her. She's just having a

bit of a kip.

There's a fat lot of good you are, too.

Eh? Well, how could you sleep with Jeanette?

I was following your lead.

By sleeping with her? By making her feel welcome. Oh.

Well, I'll make that mistake again.

I mean, there wasn't anything wrong with the sex. It was like a volcano. No,

Eric, I don't need any of the details.

But then I made one tiny mistake.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, Cheryl!

Did you call me? Hi, Cherie. You know, look at my friend.

John, get off!

I'm sorry, my mind just wandered for a minute. I said get out.

What is it? My bus.

No offence against your family, Pascal, but I'm picking somewhere in the wire

rapid. There's a bunch of brethren having their right old knees up now

of the air.

You called her Cheryl.

Just slipped out.

Oh, living in her sister's shadow all these years.

No wonder you're so fucked up, and you probably just made it worse. Oh, Jesus.

I sense a disturbance in the floor. What the fuck do you want, Monto? Hey, I

don't want anything, man. Just peace and harmony, okay?

Look, I spoke to Tab, and he hears your plea about Tomori Bay for the people,

okay? And he's into that, because he saw Whale Rider and all.

But he's also American and all paranoid about everything, and he didn't make a

billion dollars by letting people walk all over his land.

He did point out that there is a fire ban on at the moment, and I said that's

never stopped us before. He said he'd think about it. You're so full of shit.

I know you didn't talk to him. Last time I saw you, you were getting kicked in

the nuts. Yeah, and to ease the pain, I walked around the headland to Taumori

Bay.

Okay. Madison was there sunbathing.

Topless. It was choice.

Manta, I'm getting bitten by every insect known to man.

Right? I've got sand in places where there shouldn't be sand. I'm windburnt,

sunburnt. I dropped my watch in the toilet so I've got no fucking idea what

time is.

Thanks to you and my dickhead brother, I've got no way of getting out of here

because my car doesn't fucking work. And on top of it all, my air bed's now

sprang a leak, alright? The last thing I need, Munter, is you fucking with my

head, alright?

Yo, Officer Graham!

Word!

See, I'd be looking for you everywhere.

I know you're all embarrassed about the Eric thing.

Don't be.

You know, you've been locked away from society for so long, you have no idea

about standards.

And they're way above Eric, by the way. Not that I'm suggesting that, you know,

you continue to throw yourself at guys just because you can.

Because believe me, I know from experience that's an easy mistake to

That is much more Cheryl than me, throwing herself at boys.

Yeah, well, some things never change.

I always liked it when Cheryl threw herself at them.

Okay, I think we've established the whole ugly sister thing.

Not that I'm saying you're ugly.

You're beautiful and I'm here for you, but maybe you need to get out more.

Do you want to go first one?

I'd like to sit here for a while.

Will you sit with me?

Okay.

Is this about Ferret?

Did Mum talk to you?

Her exact words were, she's lonely and she's hot.

And she's got guys in uniform.

And it must get real lonely living up here on your own.

It wasn't very subtle.

And?

Did you come all the way up here to ask me that?

I'm not very subtle either.

Yeah, I figured that out the year you put Superglue in my tractor seat.

Yeah, that was quite good.

So... We've established that the words we've been hanging on aren't known for

their subtlety.

Why are you here?

To tell you that just for this year, I've decided to call the truth.

What have I done to deserve this?

Well, I did have lots of really good stuff lined up.

But in the end, it just seemed childish.

And in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not a child anymore.

Are you flirting with me?

Yes.

Yes, I am, and I can't help it, and it's really fucking me off.

I clearly have this thing for older guys.

My boyfriend's your age.

Where is he?

Australia with his mum.

Fair enough.

And what would he think about you flirting with me?

Well, it's not as if I'm going to tell him what goes on tour stays on tour.

Not that anything is going to go on this particular tour.

I mean, you and me may as well be from different planets.

I'm going to go now, so you can have a good laugh in private.

Who says nothing is going to happen between us?

Is it?

Well, if you want to find out, you'll have to do something for me.

Make up for all those years you taught me.

What something?

Right. See ya.

What? Are you just leaving me here?

I've got work to do.

You've got Doctoral Nest to guard.

I'm through here.

Sorry? It's a protected area.

By who?

By me at the moment, with the might of the whole New Zealand government behind

me. We want to go for a walk.

Not through here.

My husband is suffering tummy bug from the shit water here. He needs a walk.

Not through here.

Okay. Why not?

Because the dotterels need privacy.

What dotterels? The ones behind this line, obviously.

I can't see any fucking birds.

They're camouflaged. So turn around, walk the other way. You've got the whole

beach to walk around.

We always walk here.

Since when?

Since yesterday.

Yeah. So?

So, if you don't fucking turn around, I'll burn down your fucking tent.

See your disgusting language words with us.

You were going to kill innocent birds.

Look. You can't imagine how sorry I am that my daughter swore at you, but you

know, if you're that offended, why don't you fuck off home?

Yeah.

You're all gone, Cheryl.

Corva.

I'm going to bed.

Night. Night. Night.

You were defending daughter.

What?

What? None of your business.

What's that?

I'm a... It's a grouse dinner.

One to court them.

Hiya.

Did Jeanette sleep with you tonight?

No. I don't mean like that. I mean in your tent.

And I mean like no.

She can't sleep in our tent because Mum's being an unreasonable bitch.

She can't sleep with Van and Aurora because after being exclusive brethren

20 years, she's not ready for that.

And she can't sleep in the bus because that just brings back memories of Eric.

Oi! She can sleep in my van. Just because she rooted Eric doesn't mean

going to root you.

I'm not going to be there.

Where are you going to sleep?

Under the stars.

It's Christmas Day tomorrow.

It's going to be a good one.

Huckle.

I know your name and where you live.

I know the pain that other people give.

I know your star sign, your vital statistics too.

I'm having trouble working out your IQ.

And there's a tale that travelers know so well.

When you're east of Eden and six miles north of hell.

I don't care. I don't care.

Did you catch any mermaids?

No. Fish, though.

Wolf would be proud.

Yeah.

How was your night under the stars?

Awesome. All -inspiringly awesome.

Yeah? Did you talk to Tab about the beach?

When would I have done that?

Last night when you went to the house to sleep.

Why would I have done that?

The house.

Heaven. Burrell's in heaven right here in my sleeping bag under the stars.

Except when it got cold and I needed the warmth of a beautiful human body.

Shit, you're full of it.

Merry Christmas, brother.

Thank you, Munter.

Oh,

Munter, you should know.

Oh, it's not much because I haven't got much money, but I wanted to get

something that signifies something special.

Yours is because you wear short skirts all the time and I'm worried you're

to get cold, okay? And all your heat escapes out your head. And, bro, yours

because you can't wear a balaclava anymore to keep your head warm because

symbolises your old life and Cheryl gets all fussed when she sees you wearing

it. Old life.

It can be done.

Trust me.

If you say so.

First you take this and you cut this into pieces small enough to go onto the

barbie.

Christmas lunch here isn't really a road.

It's all right.

Morning, my darling.

Hi. Happy Christmas.

Oh,

what's that?

Yeah, you too.

Graham,

you shouldn't have. I didn't.

A large tattooed man knocked on my door and handed me this.

Said he'd just got out of prison and was on his way out north.

Said he promised a mate in society to do him a favour.

It's from your husband.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, what was the name of that film where that chick's head turned up on a

Oh, not that. Wayne's head will be in that box. Oh, God, thanks.

Somebody... It's been baking in the prison kitchen.

There

you

go. Help yourselves, everyone. I'm going to get changed.

Well, I was going to wear that top to lunch, but, you know, help yourself.

Fuck, Jeanette, it's not my fault you hate the world. I've come to you for

and this is how you treat me. Well, what goes around comes around.

Say it again.

You've got what you deserve.

Mum?

Mum, are you okay?

Shit, Mum, what the hell happened between you two?

Good word.

What does he have to do now?

This year of all fucking years.

You know that stuff I told you about?

Wolf, really, I think she was a sucker bitch and that was that.

You got that right.

Yeah, well, there's a little bit more to it.

Not long after Wolf and I hooked up, I got pregnant.

This was before the twins.

Little girl.

Elena.

Shit, we argued about that name.

Jeanette got real dark on me and reckoned I got pregnant on purpose to

man, you know, that old track of Watson.

She withdrew around Christmas, and a couple of weeks before that, she stopped

moving. She died inside me.

I hope you never, ever have to feel what that feels like.

Why didn't you tell us?

I don't... I don't remember much about the birth.

They drug me up, but... But I remember when they took her away.

And then I...

I fell apart.

I really fell apart. People didn't know what to do with me. I told them to fuck

off.

And then when I wanted to turn to someone, I chose Jeanette. God knows

don't know. I guess I thought being my sister, she might understand.

She told me it served me right, that I deserved to lose my baby because I stole

a wolf from her.

Wolf had to pull my hands from around her throat.

And then I really fell apart until Wolf said enough and pat me in the car and

started driving.

And we kept on driving until we ended up here.

It was the first time we ever came here.

Didn't even have a tent. We just slept in the back of the car.

And Wolf brought Helena's ashes with him.

And we scattered her on the beach right in front of our spot.

Probably against like 900 fucking dot regulations.

And about nine months later, the twins came along and we came back here the

following year as a family.

Why did no one tell you?

Well, the thing about dead kids, my love.

Especially the ones that never, ever really lived with it after a couple of

years. They only really exist for the parents.

Wolf and I used to sit up at night after you lot had gone to bed and look at the

beach and joke about what Helena would be doing that year.

It was our way of coping. They didn't seem any point in bringing you guys

I'm so sorry.

What for?

We're bringing you down.

Are you

okay?

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

How could you do that to her?

I'm going up to South Point Hill to find Bruce.

You all right?

Yeah.

Well, I bet they don't do that at a brethren Christmas.

Hi, Van. Merry Christmas.

Oh, not now, Jessica.

I just came to wish you a Merry Christmas. And Van told you to put off.

No, he said not now, and it's a way different thing. Not really.

What is your problem?

Don't you get that he's mine now?

Do you not see this?

Oh, wow, that's amazing.

Did you get that from the Lucky Dollar Store? Okay, look.

It's Christmas Day. You don't come over here on Christmas Day and insult

Aurora's ring.

My ring.

The ring I bought Aurora. In other words, piss off. Make me bitch. Oh, any

Hey, hey, hey, Jesus.

Women fuck very aggressive today.

The point is, there is beach enough for everyone, all right?

So, Aurora, just chill out and put the cleaver down, would you?

And you, just go back to your family and wish them a happy Christmas or a happy

Hanukkah, whatever it is your delis believe in from us, okay?

Okay, Van.

Good. And I really stoked to be here. Thank you so much for telling me about

place. I knew it!

She distracted me because she was sucking my knob. Oh, what a hoe.

Oh, look, you've never wrapped your lips around it. You don't belong... here.

You should leave now while you still can.

You don't scare me, gang slag.

In fact, we're going to come back here every year just to piss you off. You

can't come back here every year.

How are you going to stop us, Van?

This is your stupidest idea ever. Mate, we are the world champions at firing

squad. Yeah, only because we're the only ones dumb enough to play it. Shut up.

Okay. Right, the name of the game is...

firing squad, and the rules of the game are this.

You fathers, you go down over there, and we go down over here.

This here, this is a weapon.

The team who doesn't have the weapon, you stand and you face the enemy, like

the manta, assume the position.

Like that.

See, that makes you a target, right?

Now, the team with the weapon...

launches the weapon at the target. Yes, if it hits you, you're out. Easy peasy.

Not that simple, Drasker. Actually, Drasker, it's not that simple.

Yes, if it hits you, you are out.

But this isn't about that.

This is about balls.

And who's got the biggest? This is about who flinches.

You can't see it coming because your eyes are closed.

You can hear it.

with lean teeth. See, if it misses you and you don't flinch, you're still in

game. Then you get to pick up the weapon from where it lands and launch it.

But if you flinch, you're chicken shit and you're out.

Okay? Losers never come back to Tudakuri Bay.

Bring it on.

Huh?

Does that mean if we lose, we never have to come back here again?

Yeah, but don't you dare tear for them.

What? First -timers usually flinch.

Either much respect to that man or he's too stupid to know pain.

Empty your mind.

What? Empty your mind.

That's how me and Munt are so good at this game.

We think of nothing. Yeah, nothing.

Shit. Hi, this is Bruce.

I'm not available right now, so please leave a message.

And Pascal, this is you.

Merry Christmas.

I miss you.

Hi, it is me.

And I miss you heaps too.

Now, I hope you're having an okay Christmas and, you know, that none of

patients are dying or anything down like that.

Anyway, I... better get going because I'm pretty much the only sane person

and I'm kind of holding everything together.

I'll give you a call as soon as I get the energy to climb up this freaking

Oh, and thank you for the necklace. I really love it.

Okay. I so, so miss you.

Bye.

off to quite a promising start, Graham with Munter getting hit in the gut, but

since then, frankly, the throwing has been crap.

Come on, Spock, are you pussy?

Where's Loretta? Said she had other things to do.

Put him in the headband.

That's right.

Head.

Yeah, but you throw like a goo.

Because you are a goo.

Don't worry.

Sorry, baby.

Physician, you deli scum.

This one's for you, baby.

Thanks.

No, thanks, bro.

But if this wasn't so serious, I'd have a full -on chubby right now.

Yeah, yeah, bro.

Come on, Aurora!

Come on, bro!

You, I did not. You!

Shit about going home. Why?

Because. The way you've been acting so far, I thought maybe you were sick of

coming here. Never.

Christ.

And I'm not going to let some petty, bloody, stupid thing like who else is

get in the way of me getting on with my life. You mean a petty, bloody, stupid

thing like Jeanette?

You don't know anything about that.

No, I don't know anything about that.

No one does.

All we see is it's fucking with your head and we can't do nothing about it,

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

Heard Pascal Ditcher, you alright?

Yeah, she can be pretty straightforward in expressing her opinions.

You know, Janette, what happened back then I'm never going to forgive you for,

but it's not my fault your life turned to shit.

No, that's not down to me. That's all you. I didn't make you go all religious

just because I got wolf and you didn't.

That lot of gut it did me.

Apart from giving me some bloody great kids.

Sometimes.

When they're not smacking their auntie.

You hurt me too.

I'm your sister, I'm allowed to, and you deserved it.

Look, I'm cooking Christmas lunch, and I really need someone who knows what

they're doing to do the potato salad. You up for it?

Sure. Good.

Well, cheer the fuck up. It's Christmas, for Christ's sake.

Don't you care if you come back next year?

Not really.

Honey, that's an actual upside to your worst being here.

The 11 and a half months that we're not.

No, this time of year every campground in New Zealand is chocker.

Except this one.

All down to you.

People leave and never come back.

Like refugees fleeing war.

How's that on the upside?

It's better for the environment.

Oh yeah, the fucking daughter of... The entire ecosystem of Tutai Kuri Bay.

Even given the damage you guys do in two weeks, I still think the planet comes

out ahead.

I also enjoy our yearly battle.

Truth be known.

I thought I drove you crazy.

Gets a bit boring around here.

You're lighting things up.

That is why I do it.

Keeps me on my toes.

Oh, I'm happy to observe it.

The otters are quiet this year.

Yeah.

I did wonder about that. Are they nesting or something?

Yeah, or maybe they've moved to the next beach.

Like refugees fleeing the West.

You made me guard sand.

It's my day.

Therefore, I win.

Hold you.

No. Clearly, Pascal got so horny, she had to go back to Auckland to root Dr

Bruce.

So that means payout, baby?

No. Yes.

No, no proof, no payout.

I thought you might be dying elsewhere this year, Ted.

Probably could never tell how things are going to work out, Harry.

So, Ted, what did you do before you retired?

Oh, well, I was self -employed.

Not about you ladies.

We were both police officers.

But did you find it?

I found paradise for a while.

But not the box with all the money from the TAB job.

Fucking beach looks all the same.

Where's he going?

Hey.

Have a little cake.

It's delicious.

Oh, well.

Here you are, darling.

Come on then, Grandad.

Finally won some.

Oh, no.

It's quite cool in there.

Hey, look, anyway.

Hey, nice fish, by the way.

Dad would be proud.

Oh, cheers.

Hey, are we going to the medical bay tonight for the bumper?

Why are you asking me?

Well, you're the one going over.

Yeah, of course. Why not?

Okay, yes, we're breaking the law, but this is about something bigger than

This is about New Zealand for New Zealanders.

And visitors to New Zealand, of course.

So, Paul!

Paul!

Paul!

Good job, guys. Right on.

Hey, I was just about to come and tell you. Tab's all cool.

How am I?

Tena koto.

G'day. He's even put his appears on choice day.

Nobody mentioned the gate.

time is just a flicker of light and we all have to die what

does it mean when you belong to someone

you're born with a name and you carry it on it means that

i won't give in won't give in won't give in

just every

All at once.

I want to show you how to get real.

Come on now.

Come on now.

Can you feel it?

Can you feel it now?

Now they're corpse, but you reckon they like older jokes.

time to tell us goodbye, Ben.

Not Doc Land.

I don't like you.

Merry Christmas.

We're not actually going to do anything, are we?

It'll be such a huge change in our relationship.

Maybe next year.

Thank you.

Cold? Yeah, but... Might head home.

If the tractor's still there, that is.

It's not.

I know where it probably is.

I miss this.

Don't go yet.

They told you back.

Have a holiday from being righteous.

I missed you at lunch. I went to find Bruce.

So I was up on Saffron Hill and there was a message on my phone and it's this

weird guy going on about how he's tried all the numbers he knows and no bus is

picking up and he's stuck in this town and he needs rescuing.

So I rescued him.

He looks way better without his mustache.

Got a court hearing.

Got laid out. Got in my car.

Got a speeding ticket.

Got locked.

Got rescued.

Got here.

Told you I would.

Mary fucking Christopher.

I was not so well.

Hey, look at you guys.

That's really good and everything, but why don't you just play something we all

know?

Yeah.

Flying in the gutter.

Catch a cold on my mother.

She papped me on the head.

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