Original subtitles

Dude, what the hell are you doing?

Making a sandwich.

Have you seen the bread? You've got a hundred hours of community students

But I hate old people. I thought I was going to hate it, and at first I did.

Well, it's great.

If you want to fuck me, then fuck me.

Yeah, that could work.

If one of us tried to pull the shit you're pulling, moving that fucking

here, you'd go, oh, you're fucking nut at us, and we deserve it, and you

know it. Fig died and appointed you, Wolf.

if that's how you want to play it.

God.

Bloody jack crap all ass about.

Shit,

Grandpa. Shh, Rita, they'll hear you.

I got it. I got it.

I keep mine in the car.

The hierarchy too is under the bead men.

So what are you playing at?

What the hell's going on with you? Maybe I felt like some pork, dead pig, crispy

bacon. Yeah, don't start.

I'll put it back in the car.

I ain't going.

Listen to me.

We could have all been fried in our beds because of you. If Loretta hadn't come

in when she... Why did you come in when you did?

You had to go?

All night.

All right.

You got me into it.

I've got a project for film studies. I have to take time -lapse footage of the

stars, and so I was just out in the backyard checking to see if there's

clarity up there or if I have to go somewhere else where there's less

Boring. Okay, well, can you not go so late on a school night?

Okay. All right, everyone back to bed.

Not you.

I want to go.

I haven't finished with you yet.

Be gentle with him, Mum.

Old people have delicate psyches and emotionally they bruise easily. I'm not

going to torture him. I just want to know what the hell is going on.

You're rooting a pig is what's going on. No, I mean with you.

You've been doing some really weird things around here recently, Ted. You do

know that, don't you?

There's nothing wrong with me. I didn't say that. I just... God.

I told you I had to go.

It's all right. I'll deal with this.

Come on, Mr West.

Get you cleaned up and back to bed, eh?

I'm your grandfather.

Why'd you call me Mr. West?

Oh, sorry.

Training. Hey, can you get that outside before it sinks the place up? No, no,

I'm not going to touch it. Come on, hon. I'll help.

What do you need your boyfriend to do it?

Oh, hell.

Maybe... Maybe I should lock him in his caravan at night.

Except if he managed to set fire to it and burnt it, he's because he couldn't

get out. I'd never forgive myself.

Well, look on the bright side.

At least he's pissing over the chair this time and not me.

I'm going to have to clean it all up in the morning.

Isn't that why we've got Aurora?

Look, it's time to face facts.

The old bugger needs extra care.

I try, but I'm flat out.

I know.

I didn't mean you.

There are places...

Where people like Pascal know how to deal with people like him. What, an old

folk's home?

He is old.

No. Can't.

I know.

It's so hardcore.

But it's not like he's your dad.

What, because he's Wolf's dad, it's alright to lock him away.

He's used to it.

Sorry.

Just sticking it out on the porch, like his chair.

Go back to sleep.

Piss girl.

Are there people like Grandpa where you work?

Uh -huh.

Fat ones, skinny ones, all sorts.

Fucking mental ones.

So do you think someone like Grandpa could be happy in a place like that?

Mum, no, no way, not Grandpa.

Loretta, she said someone like Grandpa.

There's no way Mum's going to lock him away in one of those holes.

We can't put Grandpa in the Janet frame.

Like Grandpa Piss Girl.

Cheryl means Grandpa then.

What? No way.

Well, you keep saying how nice it is there.

Yeah, but not for Grandpa. He's like a free -range old person.

Wists do not go to old folks' homes.

Why not?

Wists spend enough of their lives behind bars. It is their right to live out

their final few years surrounded by family.

Right on. Yeah, but we can't go on pretending that there's nothing wrong

it.

You know I'm right.

Each and every one of you.

It's bloody famous as going on a ball of cheap tea.

Oh, Grandpa.

No!

No. No way. Grandpa's a choice to have around.

He's just winding us up because he's bored, that's all.

I need to go to school. I don't want to be late.

Anyway, Grandpa wouldn't get into the Janet friend.

He's completely full of it.

Sweet. So that's sort of it, right?

He just fell down. We were about to go into upper body strength. Excuse me.

Miss.

Breathe, please.

Thanks. Into Mr. Johnson.

Oh, right.

On the count of five.

One, two, three.

Shouldn't we wait for a doctor?

I am a doctor.

Wow.

Aren't we lucky, Mr. Johnson?

Mr. Johnson.

One minute he was so full of life and then the next, not.

He always noticed if I was wearing my hair differently or if I had my

done.

He said if he had breasts that he'd want them to be just like mine.

Are you a nurse here?

Physical therapist?

No, I'm...

I'm kind of here in a volunteer capacity.

Poor Mr Johnson.

At least his last moments were full of life.

Until they went.

The last time we talked, you mentioned something about making me come using

your eyes.

God, you're insane.

I'm making up for last time.

Sixteen? I'm a wimp.

No, no, no, no, no. Use the uniform.

Hayden, we've done the schoolgirl fantasy.

We could do it again.

It's getting a bit old. I like it.

But it's your fantasy.

Excuse me.

But the first time we did it, it wasn't. Okay, but every time after that, it

was.

I want to do one of mine.

Are you chicken?

No.

Just don't involve my hair, okay?

My hair is my temple.

Okay. It doesn't involve the hair for now.

Then bring it on.

As long as you promise to answer a question.

What question?

Later.

Fantasy first.

Okay.

But... We need to find a location.

And I'll need some equipment.

And you're buying clothes.

What did you call me for? I was in the middle of dealing with a tragedy.

Well, you won't listen to us.

Yeah, and you're the one who's always crapping on about how you know how to

with old people.

Grandpa! Open the fucking door!

How's he doing in there?

Well, how the fuck should I know? We've got x -ray vision.

I'm so sorry. I just nipped out the back to hang out the water.

That's when he must have taken his chair in and locked me out.

Yeah, sliding doors, bolted from the inside, and he's drawing the curtains.

Yeah, he did that.

He tried that.

Ted.

Ted, open the fucking door.

Tried that.

too.

What are you doing in there?

Well, do we have x -ray vision?

That's my line.

Can we break in?

Oh, so it's okay to do that shit again now, is it? Oh, don't be a dick.

I've tried every way in. The house is impregnatable.

Okay, um, break it down.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah, before he burns the whole place down.

Cool.

Oh, you guys, you better step back.

Ladies.

Ow. Are you alright, hon? No, I'm not alright.

Try again.

You try again. That fucking hurt.

Come in.

Miss West, I'm Hayden Peters.

What can I do for you, Mr Peters?

No, no. It's what I can do for you.

This film you're producing, you do know I'd do anything to play the lead in it,

don't you?

Anything?

Anything.

Show me.

Here's my question.

What?

You get fantasy, I get question.

Hayden, can that wait till after? Well, then I've got no bargaining power.

Oh, you bastards.

All right, fine, fine, what is it?

Okay.

Have you ever loved anyone?

What? Have you ever loved anyone?

Don't be an emotional pervert. Just answer the question, Miss West.

All right, fine.

I don't hate my dad.

Mum's annoying sometimes, but I guess she's okay.

Well, this is love.

For you.

You did ask.

Well, right, I guess I'm closest to Grandpa.

When I was about four, I tried to steal his wallet, and he caught me.

If it was Mum, she would have told me off. Dad would have just laughed.

But Grandpa taught me how to do it properly.

Okay.

Good.

Back on your knees. We'll pick it up now.

Oh, I can't work under these conditions.

What do you want, Jules?

Oh, shit.

Fuck.

There you go, keep the change.

Hi, sorry I'm late. I was out doing a science experiment and the school took

ages to pass on the message.

Sorry we got you out of class so early. It's just you're the only one you'll

listen to.

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

Well, I was going to biff it through the Ronschleuder. It's a bit of an

expensive option, Van.

Can we save it as a last resort?

Grandpa, it's Loretta.

Open the door.

Come on.

It's me. Let me in.

Grandpa?

Still in there?

Yes, and I'm fussing for pee.

Go in the garden.

Hey, I've already tried every way in.

Okay, find out for yourself then, knobface.

Come on, Grandpa, let me in.

God, he's lucky there's no room at the Janet Frame or he'd be in there like a

shot. Actually, do you remember me telling you about Mr Johnson the

The one who said too much product makes you bald, that one.

He died today.

So there is a vacancy.

Holy shit.

Nice work on the door, Grandpa.

Thank Christ you're here, boy.

Faster's got the place around him. Yeah, it's okay.

Not a carcass gone down since you've been away.

Stutty pants has been pulled by a pig and wants me out of the way.

But I won't let them lock me up. Not again, not at my age.

Who said anything about locking you up?

Them. They're talking.

They don't know I know, but I know they're talking.

Hey, no one's going to lock you up, all right? Not now, not ever.

You have my word.

You're not putting him in a home.

I'm going for a nap.

After what happened today, yeah, he needs to go into a home. This is his

Even if he does sleep in a manky old caravan. It's not my fault. He burned

his unit.

Him and Groucho only moved into that unit so that we could live here. He's

of control. He's an old man who's earned the right to spend whatever he... He

needs professional help.

Which is about you and Judd, isn't it? What?

Grandpa doesn't like having a pig in the house, so you're trying to get rid of

him. That's the truth. No, it's enough. You saw what happened today. He's a

danger to himself and to everybody else. He needs to go into a bloody home.

Bullshit! I hate to say it, but I agree with Jethro. We can take care of him

better. How?

Well, I have training and everyone else can help.

We could have a roster.

Yeah, we can give him a pet.

No, not a rooster, babe, a roster. We draw up a list and everyone takes turns

look after Grandpa.

Hmm. It's worth a try, isn't it?

Well, anything's better than flushing him down the toilet like a used piece of

bomb paper, man. Fine.

It's your responsibility. You deal with it. I've got to go back to work.

Me too.

Me too.

And me.

I'm filling in at the video hut for a couple of hours.

So I have to look after him now.

Gives you an excuse not to go back to school. Lucky you.

If Dad was here, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

You're right. Wolf should know what's going on. You're his disciple. You call

him. I wish I could.

Still haven't heard from him.

Well, maybe he's too busy hiding still.

Yeah, if he's still alive.

Your dad will be fine. He always is.

Hey, if you do hear from him, let him know Grandpa's not so good, eh?

Yeah, I will.

Judd's good. I'll give him that.

He's got you wrapped right around his little finger. What's going on with Ted?

It's got nothing to do with him.

Sure.

Hey, Jethro.

Shit, Mum. Just a reminder.

I'm your mother.

I hit you, not the other way around.

So does this mean we're done, your fantasy?

No, it does not.

I'll be back as soon as I'm off guard, Judy.

I suppose I could always do it with Aurora.

She's kind of curious as to why I'm sitting in the manager's office.

What did you tell her?

I told her I'm waiting for you to come back so I can please you.

Kidding. I told her I was waiting to meet him. She said good luck because

still yet to meet him.

Maybe we should put this fantasy on hold until there are fewer girlfriends of my

brother around.

So it's a thing we can do one of my own instead.

This better not be the schoolgirl thing again.

I do have other fantasies.

But it doesn't involve a uniform. But don't worry, I'll provide that.

Get that into you.

I'll call you back when I'm off guard duty.

What are you on about?

Night vision.

Can't have enough carrots in this game.

Rita's favourite vegetable, the carrot. Apart from the cucumber.

Loved the cucumber, Rita did.

Oh, thank God.

And what a shit day.

One old guy died in your robot class and all of a sudden you had to answer all

these questions.

That's a real tragedy.

And the worst part is, the cute doctor was gone by the time I got back.

Tag, you're it.

Bye, Grandpa.

Wasn't this nice, Grandpa?

Getting out of the house, some fresh air and some light exercise is exactly what

the doctor ordered.

Doctor.

Such a nice name, isn't it?

Doctor... Doctor Laugh, whatever your name is.

I've never had an Indian boyfriend before.

This will be a first for me.

I presume it'll just be the same as a normal guy.

No, Grandpa!

But Rita loves camellias.

He was so tired after our walk, he just fell asleep.

Now, I've got an appointment with Sharon at the beauty salon to make myself

beautiful for work.

Yeah. Go on.

Don't pose asleep.

Is there

a

problem? This is a disabled parking space.

Are you disabled in any way?

Well, as a matter of fact...

Yeah, I am.

Think I can help you with that, yeah?

Oh, is that... Oh,

can you put the seat back a bit? Yeah, hang on.

Oh, ow, the steering wheel's breaking into my foot. Hang on, hang on.

Ow, ow, stop!

Hayden, this fantasy sucks.

Really? Mm -hmm.

I thought you'd be into it.

Fascist uniform ordering me around.

I'm a parking warden. There is nothing sexy about parking wardens.

And what is this weird thing you have with disabled cars?

We're just practicing.

Put me doing it and I'm driving 120 k's down the north -western. No, it's never

going to happen.

It's so unfair.

No fantasy is worth dying for.

Okay, here's my question.

Who's the better route?

Pascal or me?

Oh, my God, I can't believe you're thinking about it.

Well, it's a good question.

What?

What?

Take your what out of your fucking ass!

Well, it's a good question.

Loretta!

Loretta!

About time. You're late for your turn.

No, I've already had a turn today.

Yeah, we can have another one.

Where is Grandpa anyway?

Probably in his caravan.

Van, you're supposed to be watching him. That's the whole point.

He nearly made Aurora bite my wanger off.

Well, good. I'm sick of men and their appendages.

Eh? Nothing.

Grandpa, are you in there?

It's me.

You'll have to do better than that. Now it's clear on me. Go on. Grandpa,

Grandpa, I'm just coming to see if you're okay.

I know you, don't I?

Yes, it's me, Loretta.

Hey, come on, let's go inside. We'll put on track sight.

Keeping my head low, know what I mean?

There's nobody here but us monkeys.

Grandpa, listen to me.

You cannot keep mucking us around like you did today.

If we can't look after you, then Mum's going to send you away.

Grandpa, just knock it on the head for a while, OK?

I'm sorry, love.

Shall we have a wee nip?

Sun's over the yard, I'm somewhere in the world.

Oh, bugger, there was something.

These thoughts, off they scurried before a man's got a chance. They're all

running around like a sackful of rats in the head.

Jesus Christ, where's that fucking thought?

Stop following me. A man's got to rise. Stop, stop, stop.

Christ.

What?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't mean to go off half -cocked.

But it's these thoughts that won't...

It scares the crap out of me when I can't catch them.

Haven't I done for time?

Haven't I bloody done it?

I

gave him my

word. Wow, a lawyer's word.

Sometimes he's fine, but when he loses it, it's fucking freaky.

Maybe Mum was right about the Zimmer frame.

Janet frame, thank you.

And there does come a time when the care of the elderly is best left to the

professionals. Yep, but you're not a professional.

She has charge points, so she probably qualifies, actually.

What is your problem?

Nothing. Oh.

Hey, hey, can we get back to Grandpa, your pathetic failure to take care of

and your willingness to give up at the first hurdle?

Okay, Mr.

Smarty Pants.

Seeing as you're so full of big ideas.

Yep. I am, actually.

Grandpa. Jed.

I need a word with you.

You alone?

Sure.

What about that girl?

What girl?

The one pretending to be Rita.

She could be squealing for the cops.

She's, uh... She's on our side.

Can I come in?

Just you?

Just me.

Oh.

It's going to be sorted.

I'll talk to Wolf. He'll come back. It'll be sorted.

Right.

How is Wolf, by the way?

I know.

I'll call him when I can, but it's not easy with a pig in the house.

You've got a number for Wolf.

Of course.

Where is it?

You don't write that sort of thing down.

You should know that.

Christ, I don't know who to trust anymore.

It's all gone to hell in a handcart. There's only you and me, boy.

You'd better go.

They're watching me. They take it in turns. But I know I bloody know.

Hey, it's going to be okay.

I might be going away.

So you take good care of your mother. Understand?

You take good care of it till I get out. Also, help me. I'll tan your backside

till it shines.

Okay.

It's okay.

Okay, so?

Maybe he's just going through a bad patch. You know, he has got better...

was his house.

Yeah, but is he happy here?

Well, not with you around.

Ignore that.

He has Alzheimer's, right?

That doesn't go away. Hey, this is not your fucking family, so you've got no

rights in this conversation, pal.

Jethro.

We've just got to be real here, right? He needs to be somewhere and it can't be

here.

This sucks.

Yeah, it does suck, but too bad.

You said there was a vacancy at the Janet Frame?

Yeah, but there's a waiting list that could take months.

I thought it.

How? I'll talk to Hayden.

What's Penisface got to do with it?

He owns it.

The Janet Frame retirement home?

How do you think you got to do your community service there in the first

I feel for you.

You talk to Hayden?

Mm -hmm.

Bag's not me.

Bag's not you what?

Who has to tell Grandpa, right?

I'm not going anywhere near that.

Also, bag's not.

It wouldn't really be right coming from me.

Obviously, I'm out.

Sorry. I'll do it.

You sure?

Yep.

Grandpa.

Talk off.

Grandpa, it's me, Jed.

I need to talk to you.

You're doing a dirty work now, aren't you? Slutty pants.

No, no.

I've got a message.

From Wolf.

Why didn't he call me?

He's worried someone might be listening in.

It's not safe for you here anymore.

With the pigs around, I've got to get you out of here.

I've jacked up a safe house.

We can move you first thing in the morning.

Good boy.

Yeah, it'll be all right.

It's a good safe house.

Ted, it's not that far away, so we can visit whenever and you can come back in

the weekend.

Day of days, man.

The day I thought would never come.

That they have wrecked me.

That they, unlike me, are the... I'm

so sorry.

I really tried to think out the way out of this.

But I couldn't.

It's all sorted, don't you worry.

Ted, I'll bring the rest of your stuff over later.

You alright, man?

I'm a bit emotional.

Better get a calming ale in you there, Nii.

Not so fast.

There's a job to be done.

Come on.

Oh, shit.

Has anyone got a gas mask?

Yeah.

Keg's got some oxygen in his place. He reckons it's ace for hangovers.

Okay, let's just get on with it. We'll save what we can and we'll burn the

Oh, he died, I thought, mate.

No, it just smells that way.

Just in here, Grandpa.

See? Isn't this nice?

You've got a telephone, you've got a TV there.

Yeah, I'll hold her a bit. And the beds are amazingly comfortable.

Mr Johnson said it was the most comfortable bed he's ever slept in. And

slept in lots because, you know, he's gay and all.

Who's Mr Johnson?

It's not really important now.

So what do you think?

Perfect for throwing the cops off the scene.

Perfect.

What are you looking at? Sorry.

Hello. Hi.

Who are you?

They said you were looking for me. I presume the Indian doctor guy is me.

Yes, it is. Hello.

This is my grandfather, who will be joining us.

And that's my brother, who won't be.

Bruce Carr.

Yes, sir.

Bruce? Yes.

But you're a wog. Grandpa?

No, I'm not Italian. I'm a curry muncher, I believe you would say.

Curry munchers don't have names like Bruce.

Grandpa!

I do.

Dr Bruce Kahn, that's me.

You're a doctor?

For God's sake!

According to the certificates on my wall.

What did you pay for them?

A very reasonable price.

Lucky for you, I'm not your doctor.

I'll let you settle your grandfather in.

You can smell the curry powder on their breath.

You okay?

I'm feeling like a butt blitz, actually.

It's not going to be fair.

Right decision was made. Yeah, but we shouldn't have to make it. It should be

to Wolfie's fucking father if he was here.

He's not, but I am. Yeah.

You know, I'd just really prefer to know if he was going to walk through that

front door or not, or if he'd be pissed off to another country, or even if he

was dead.

I just, I really wish I knew, that's all.

Sorry.

Hey Mum.

Yeah?

Hey, remember that necklace that I bought for you on your birthday that

Yeah. Yeah?

Well, happy birthday again!

Well, thank you again.

It's alright.

Oh, no, you don't... The tribe has spoken.

Bro,

I found one of my hard caps.

Only three to go. A choice.

Guess what, Mum?

There was no sock fairy, just Grandpa.

Put them in laundry, I'll wash them, I'll sort them out later.

Look, how come Grandpa's got so much of cocky shit? Look.

It's been a bonding experience.

Not that we need one, seeing how well we get on anyway.

Sometimes, I think it's like we're too hard with the same person.

I mean, I know exactly what they're saying all the time.

And God knows.

We're the only one in the build -up family.

Old bastard.

What?

He's a crazy old bastard. Who knows why?

I have to go.

Hello? Hi.

You look fat.

One person dies and suddenly no one wants to come to my daily aerobic

No, they've all gone on an outing.

Really? Matt and I have a new Roger Hall. They will come back giggling like

schoolgirls. Nobody told me.

I'm kind of new here.

How's your grandfather settling in?

Okay.

Your name is a bit odd for someone Indian.

My father's from Pakistan. My mother's from India.

It was quite romantic to opposing cultures falling in love like that.

So Bruce is Pakistani?

No, I'm Med Khan.

Bruce is quite a common name where I was born.

India? Pukakohe.

So do you still have arranged marriages?

In Pukakohe.

In your family?

Only sometimes. Like when my brother got his girlfriend pregnant.

Are you all right?

Not yet.

Do you want to be?

Pascoe, would you like to have dinner with me?

Mm -hmm. I knock off five.

Oh, a little later if possible. This month I'm fasting until after sunset.

Oh, it's amazing.

Really? Uh -huh. I'm on that diet too.

Stick with it because it's so work.

Go away.

What's better, beef or chicken?

What? See, sometimes better chicken is the go.

Sometimes a steak is what a man needs.

A red 68 Minara, mint condition, would be my ideal car.

But you give me a Land Cruiser you're fishing in, and I'm in heaven.

You see what I'm saying?

Yeah. You can go now.

Brian Williamson, go out, Betty.

Who? All blacks. Both brilliant wingers in their own way. But they played the

game in totally different styles.

You're comparing me to rugby players now. That's perfect.

You asked me a question, Loretta. I'm answering it. Who was better in the

you or Pascal?

Oh, come on. Do you actually want to know the answer? Go on.

Admit it.

You prefer girls with big nungas, blonde hair and empty heads, just like every

other pathetic... She's a classic ride, yeah, yeah.

Smooth ass.

In many ways, Pascal is every man's dream girl.

But with you, it's unpredictable.

It's wilder.

And the highs, well, they're so much higher because, well, it bloody means

something every time.

And the lows are so much lower because... ..because I really,

really like you.

So you're saying you only use my sister for sex?

Well, if that works for you, yeah.

Come on, where are you going?

To lock the door and put up the back in five minutes, fine.

Only five minutes?

Oh, we'd better work fast.

Pick up those trousers.

Hey.

Brandon. Hi. Do you mind? Sure.

Mom! She was here.

Sorry. I've got to go.

Cheryl. Anne -Marie.

Long time no see.

How's your family?

Good question. Is he here?

Who? Brandon just left. Wolf.

Why would Wolf be here?

It'd be the best place for him to hide, wouldn't it? With his other family.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I found his will.

Wolf's will.

All my kids are in there. So's Brandon.

Want to tell me why?

Well?

Yeah.

Um, he's Wolf's kid.

So is he here?

No, no, no, he's not. I haven't seen him for ages.

Look, Cheryl, it was a stupid, bloody mistake, but by the time I found out I

pregnant, it was too late. I don't want to fucking know.

He did the right thing by me, Cheryl, which is bloody rare in this world. He's

good man, despite what you're thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a fucking saint.

So is he here? No, honestly.

So have you seen him recently?

What's going on? Is he all right? Not when I find him. Look, Cheryl, I'm not

bullshitting you when I say I haven't seen him for ages. Not since... Since

when?

Um... I think Brandon's birthday.

Um, Cheryl, look, I...

Um, I'm really, really sorry.

Fuck.

Fucking fuck!

I'll put the whiskey under here.

I'll make anything that's not nailed down, sneaky buggers.

And figgies going on top of it.

What about the wild, wild women?

I'd better get going.

Are you going to be okay?

Right as rain.

Don't worry about me. Off you go.

Okay.

Bye. I'll see you soon.

What? Well, they finally put you to home, eh?

About bloody time.

Oh, bloody hell.

How you doing?

You've got to come back and sort this shit out. All in good time, old man.

You know the pigs in your bed, don't you?

Yes, I know.

Don't worry, it'll all be sorted.

Everything's going to be just fine.

This program was made with funding from New Zealand On Air.