Original subtitles

You bought me a prither.

Well, she already got it. I can exchange it for a bowl of tequila.

No.

Grats. You're jealous.

Of what?

Your sister.

Because she's got him and you haven't. Who?

The one you've got feelings for.

Look, I do not have any feelings for Hayden bloody Peters.

I would like to sleep in your place with you.

You'll have to piss off before everyone else wakes up. What? These people are a

pack of ticks letting you dry.

And then, when things don't turn out the way they want, they blame you for it

and you let them. Ever since she came in, she's been gunning for me. This is

your fault, you evil Chinese witch!

Do you realise my entire family now hates you?

Yeah, not really scaring me that much.

I've got nothing against women.

I love women.

But they can be real pain in the arse at times, you know?

Yeah. I had good trust.

You think?

I'm not sure.

The thing with women is knowing when to push the off button.

Yep. Thank you very much. That was fun.

Whoa, hang on. Back off. Getting too close now.

Off button.

Made to black.

That striped shirt you had on before. Try it on with those trousers.

Hey, am I right?

Jethro West.

I need your help again.

Pascal, I'm busy.

I heard you were gay boy shopping with Hayden.

I need someone new to do my community service.

Again? What's wrong with the shadow workshop?

I mean, you call one kid a spazzo, and then he starts crying, and then all the

other retards start crying with not hanging out their nose, and then

I'm public enemy number one. Get a grip, people. Jesus Christ, Pascal.

What? He was giving me an unwanted hug.

Christ, this rate will take me years to work off my hours.

They might as well just send me to prison to be ravaged by bulldogs.

All right, I'll see what I can do, eh? Cool.

I love you.

And Hayden has a deformed penis.

Pascal says hi.

I'll sort it out, Tommy.

Like what?

What do you care?

It's the only way she can do a community service. You don't have to worry about

it. Just don't tell Pascal it was me she'll melt down in your face.

You see, your sister is precisely the reason why I am a bachelor for life.

You let a woman get too close, then they want to rule you for the rest of your

life.

Keep very weird.

I'm bored.

Everyone's gone home because we've run out of leopard print.

And Cheryl's gone off to argue with the supplier, so there's no one I can be

mean to.

Where are you?

Just out.

Hmm, gay boys shopping with Hayden. Two men shopping together is not gay.

Yeah, we were shopping for power soles.

Where are you going for lunch?

Who says we're going for lunch?

Well, you always go for lunch when you're out being gay together.

Usual place?

Yeah, the usual place.

See you there.

Hayden's meeting us for lunch.

We're naughty.

It's all your fault.

Like shit.

You're the one that dragged me into bed in the middle of the afternoon. You

dragged me more like.

Why are we?

You're a real slut, you are.

No, you're the slut.

Boys can't be sluts.

Yes, they can.

When they drag innocent girls off to their bed when they should be doing

housework, that's pretty slutty.

Hey, you think the Seven Dwarves ever dragged Snow White off to bed when she

doing her housework?

Yeah, all the time.

It was a gangbang at Central.

Man, if I'd known you had such a grubby mind, I never would have hooked up with

you, eh?

Well, see, now we have no secrets.

Oh. Joyce.

You in love with her?

God, no.

Had a mistake there.

I'm not in love with Tracy, okay?

She must have twitched up.

We should order. She can catch up when she gets here.

Tracey!

You can get the girls back. That bastard finally coughed up.

Hello?

Tracey?

because I picked that piece of paper up?

Pretty much.

It was lying there. What was I meant to do? If I want to read it, I've got to

pick it up.

It's not my fault if whoever it was can't stick some pieces of paper to

piece of paper.

Poor bloody Gavin. Poor bloody who?

Gavin. All the Asian kidnappings end up on his desk.

He's the most overworked cop in Auckland.

Oh, gee, I feel really sorry for Gav.

No, it's a tough job for him.

Nobody likes him and all the families want him to piss off, you know.

They want to do it on the quiet, honour and all that stuff. Hey, my business

partner and my son's girlfriend's been kidnapped here. Yeah, and Gavin's all

over it.

Hey, Mum.

What is it?

Sorry, she's been what?

Why? I mean, um, is there a note?

Yeah, okay.

Sure.

Um, thanks for calling.

What?

Tracy's been kidnapped.

No, I'm kidding.

No, I'm serious, man. There's a note and everything.

Bloody hell.

Yeah. I don't know where to go.

Go to Tracy's. Yeah, she lives with her parents. So?

Well, they shifted recently.

I don't exactly know where.

She doesn't actually know where she lives.

I mean, she probably told me, but... But you forgot.

Well, I never wrote it down.

All right.

Makes things a little awkward.

Who did what?

Our mutual problem.

Who is this?

You know.

No, I don't think so, Creed.

What?

Hello? It's me.

Me who?

I can't say it over the phone again or someone might be listening.

Yeah, well, it won't be me if you don't tell me who you are.

Thanks.

What problem?

The one that's been making our lives a misery. My whole life is a misery.

The one with the initials T -H.

Someone with the initials T -H is making our lives a misery.

God, Eric, how am I supposed to know who the hell you're talking about? I see.

What about her?

I've arranged a little Chinese tank away.

You're feeding her?

No, she's Chinese and I've taken her away.

You've kidnapped her.

Don't say it over the phone. Well, I hope someone is listening. Then they can

hear me say that I have nothing to do with this.

I don't know you.

I don't know who you are. I've never met you in my life.

I can hear you breathing.

Enjoy it while you can, mister, because when I get my hands on you, you won't be

breathing much longer.

Are you fucking listening to me?

No one fucks with the homes.

Thought you didn't work here.

I fill in.

What do you want?

Strangely, I want to rent some DVDs.

Well, I've got plenty to choose from.

You've got Footrot Sluts.

Sorry? Footrot Sluts.

Footrot Flats, the New Zealand animated film.

No, foot -rot sluts, New Zealand porn film.

Not actually animated.

Well, except for maybe during the money shot.

Ooh. Well, Beyond Reasonable Length, The End of the Golden Shower, and Whale Boy

Rider. Whale Boy Rider?

Yeah, apparently the lead actor's hung like one.

A whale?

Yeah. Going back to ooh?

Have you got them or not?

No. Well, how do you know if you only fill in?

I didn't... Do.

Try to place it up on K Road if you're in need of some executive stress relief.

It's not for wanking. This is business.

Whatever. Serious.

This guy I met makes porn films.

Real low cost.

Straight to DVD. There's no marketing expense. He just bangs them on the

and before you can say, whack me, daddy -o, they're walking out the door.

Well, so he says.

Why did I care about this?

Because I want to check out the merchandise before I invest.

Are you going to do the oozing again?

Sounds like a bullshit artist to me.

True.

Gave me a script, though.

An anal on my table.

That's disgusting.

You think?

He said it was drawing on a great New Zealand literary reference.

But if I wanted to, I could change the title to The Boner People on account of

the three -way near the end. So I guess it's not that closely based on the

books, eh?

Hang on, you know a lot about films, right?

Why?

Well, read the script.

I'll come back later. You can tell me what you think. What if I don't care?

You hear Tracy got kidnapped?

No way.

Crazy world, eh?

Sorry. Are you pissed off with me because I called the cops?

I understand your first reaction was to call the police.

But there are better ways of filtering these things.

Oh, sorry. Well, look, you know, if I'd had the 20 grand myself, I'd have called

the kidnappers.

20 ,000 is a bargain, really.

Well, then pay it. Get it back.

Please. Speak to no one else from now on. Jesus, Mr. Hong, your daughter's

kidnapped.

Hey, Mum.

And Mr. Hong.

And Mr.

Hong.

And baby, y 'all.

So do you guys hear the news?

No. Tracy's been kidnapped.

Really? Man, that's awful.

We'll just let you guys sort that out then, eh?

Your brain is shut down at the one time you need it to work. She's standing

there with my baby.

Yeah, she's standing there with your baby.

She's standing next to Aurora.

Aurora knows nothing.

And if you wanted to stay that way, you'd do exactly what I say.

Okay.

What? What?

You said I've got to do exactly what you say, and then you didn't say anything.

I was making sure you were listening.

Where the fuck else would I be listening to, man?

Okay, okay, okay.

You need to remember that even though the baby is yours, it isn't yours.

But it is. No, it's not.

Yeah, it is. Mr. Hong's sperm are all bung and they swim all over the place in

the wrong direction.

You know that. Susie knows that. No one else.

Okay? Remember, the baby isn't yours.

Okay. Most importantly, don't make eye contact with the baby.

No eye contact.

Why? Because if you do, that's it. You've bonded.

Bonded? Hmm.

Well, I think that's a really sensible idea in view of everything that happens.

Hey, this is Jasmine.

Isn't she gorgeous?

Mmm, yep, awesome.

Van? Yes, Mum?

Mr Hong's got a job for you. Okay, cool.

These people who have taken Tracy, I'm worried they may not stop there.

Oh, you think they might kill her?

I'm thinking more they might try to take my other daughter.

Right. Which is why we've been talking.

I want her to come to the house.

To protect Jasmine.

What? Stay at the house and look after the kid.

Yeah. Are you sure that's such a good idea? I think it's a great idea, babe.

They've set the price so low for one daughter.

Clearly they'll come back for more.

Do you reckon? I'm not fucking Kmart.

It's all right, darling. It's okay.

Anything we can do to get your daughter back safely.

There's too good a word for it.

It's porn.

Doesn't it feel good? No, not when it makes no sense.

It makes no sense.

It makes perfect sense when I read it.

Boy meets girl, they screw.

Other people join in, they all screw like bunny. The end.

Oh my God, is your head going to explode?

The first scene.

If you can even call it a scene.

He knocks on the door.

She opens it.

And... They screw?

They... Hey, screw!

Why? Because it's a porn film.

In what universe does a plumber knock on the door, the woman opens the door,

he says, I've come about your plumbing, and then two seconds later, she's having

sex with him on her kitchen bench?

I don't know. I'm not a plumber.

In no universe is the answer.

Well, how would you know?

From what I hear, you're not exactly the world's leading expert when it comes to

sex.

Frigid was the word that Pascal... I know what Pascal says. It's not true. I

have had sex.

Wow.

The point is, this script is stupid and degrading. It is a series of unmotivated

sex scenes with no plot.

So it's a porn film, in other words.

You wanted me to read your fucking script. I'm telling you what I think.

Well, write me a better one.

Excuse me? Write me a porn film that you would watch.

Why?

Well, it's not a lot about films and stuff. You are a woman.

Apparently you have had sex.

And I bet you bugger all people are writing porn films for women, so...

when it's for women, it's erotica? La -di -da.

Write me the great erotica porn script and you can direct it.

I'll pay for it.

And I'll bet you a shitload of horny housewives will watch it.

And I really get to direct it.

If you think you're up to it, that is.

What? I have no

idea what the fuck you're saying.

Okay,

sure.

Whatever.

Kidnapped me.

What do you think?

Money. And you're a bitch.

Fucking sticking your nose in where it's not wanted.

Getting right in between me and the West. The best friends they were.

God, you're a loser.

Oh, go on, fuck off.

I'm kissing 20 grand goodbye.

You might as well call the cops on me as well. Really make my day.

20 grand?

You were ransoming me for $20 ,000?

I didn't know where else to come, so I did. Okay, Amy? Fine.

Yeah.

You hear what happened to Tracy?

No. Why?

What happened to her?

Someone kidnapped her.

Oh. They're terrible.

I'm sure she'll be okay, though.

Thanks. Hey, Petco, I found someone new for you to do your community service.

Oh, okay.

It's an old folks' home.

What? Petco, not now.

I bought Chinese food.

I suppose you guys just call it food, eh?

Have you heard from the kidnappers?

No.

Okay.

I'll put the food on the bench.

Help yourself.

Move home.

Yeah?

Sorry, I cannot understand you.

No. You cannot understand a word. Maybe you spoke proper English.

Uh -huh.

I'll let you know then.

It was a mistake on the note.

The sum they seek is $200 ,000.

What?

He didn't sound too happy.

Well, you just asked him for $200 ,000.

Of course he's not going to sound happy.

Has he got that kind of quid? Yeah, he's got an on -call account with a quarter

of a million in it.

Well, shall we go in for the lot?

$200 ,000 is acceptable.

A lot more acceptable than $20 ,000. That's just insulting.

Hey!

I don't know fuck all about a kidnapping cake, all right?

Clearly not.

So you know what we call a close family?

A few things I need.

What, I'm meant to buy all this?

Yeah, well, you kidnapped me without my purse.

Where the fuck am I going to get moisturiser this time of night? None of

crap stuff.

That'll cost me a fortune.

I'm sure it'll work out cheaper than ten years in prison.

I feel fucking guilty.

About what?

Tracy, who else? Did you organise the kidnapping?

No. So what have you got to feel guilty about?

I just feel like I should be doing something, you know?

Well, maybe you do love Tracy.

Maybe what you think is guilt is actually love.

Concerned for the woman that you love.

Well, it's entirely possible.

If you think they're fucking tricky little bastards like that, they can

on you when you least expect them.

What is it? Why, no one will lift a finger to find us.

Why the hell would that be? You know.

No. Look, all these rumours of him being a triad, right?

You guys can't be arsed because it's just chinko criminals sorting each other

out. OK, now you're beginning to annoy me. Why?

Because you don't know how these things pan out.

Gavin and his mob do. They're doing their best. Twin naps.

Cheryl, we're on your side. I'm on your side, so stop giving it to me in the

bloody neck.

I had no idea you were so sensitive.

Yeah, well, I've no idea the shit I put up with because of you.

You still getting crap at work?

Yeah, kind of, sort of.

I've kind of got bored of it now.

Well, that's a good thing.

Oh, yeah.

Huge improvement.

Being shunned is heaps better.

I'm sorry.

No friends of yours want to play with me because of your stinky girlfriend.

It's also the fact that your friends don't want to play with me.

I can come and stay at your place, but I've got to be gone by dawn before

sees me.

Well, that's my family, not my friends. There's a big difference.

You're the same to me.

Tracy loves me.

And look what happened to her.

Here.

I asked for shoes.

Well, they go on your feet, don't they?

for. Well, what do you want me to do? Rob Smith and bloody Coey? God, you're

worst kidnapper in the world. Well, I'm sorry, but buying beauty supplies wasn't

exactly part of my plan.

Oh, you had a plan. Well, there's a turn up for the book.

God, you're an ugly woman.

I am not.

On the inside.

I mean, extorting money off your own father. What's all that about?

I have my reasons.

Crying for attention was it? I said I have my reasons and they're none of your

business!

Jesus Ted what

the hell are you doing?

Making a sandwich.

Have you seen the bread?

I'll deal with this.

I told you to look after Grandpa.

Were their lives in danger?

Don't you get ticky with me.

I mean, I'm kind of busy right now. Doing what?

Writing, as it looks like.

Is it too much to ask for a little help? I've got enough on my bloody plate

without having to deal with bloody ped.

Then ask Pascale. Pascale's got a meeting with her probation officer.

Yet, strangely, I'm the black sheep here.

You have to do the silly voice.

If I don't do the voice, they'll know I'm not Asian.

Derek, they already know that you're not Asian. They think I've been kidnapped

by Benny Hill.

Oh, well, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't, aren't I? Just try

sound as vaguely threatening as possible, OK?

Yes. You have considered my offer?

Yes.

And?

I do not deal with kidnappers.

Younger?

What? He doesn't deal with kidnappers?

Maybe we should bring back an answer.

for a hundred grand.

So that's it.

Bugger off and good luck, Tracy. You're on your own?

Well, it's not a bad idea under the circumstances. How?

Well, Gavin says as long as they're still haggling about the money, more

it is she's still alive.

No, but they're not haggling.

They said no. How is that haggling?

Jethro.

God, you look awful.

Yeah, I didn't get much sleep last night.

You heard anything?

Well, on police advice, the Hongs are refusing to pay the ransom.

Pay what?

200 grand.

That's a lot of money. Not many people have that sort of money lowing around,

they, Desiree?

Well, I don't have 200 grand.

Right.

I mean, she's your girlfriend.

I'm sure if you did have that sort of money lying around, you'd pony up for

wouldn't you? I said I don't have that kind of cash.

Do you?

No, I don't.

See, the thing is, I could pay it.

With what?

Money from the job.

You got 200k left.

Like you do in Berlin, don't you? No.

But there's Wolf's share.

That's untouched. No, that is Wolf's money.

Well, do you know where he is? No, I don't. Do you? Nope.

The money's just sitting there.

Well, I guess if you love this girl that much, then I guess there's nothing

stopping you.

Do you love Tracey that much?

I've got to go.

One more thing about women.

When you find one that gets under your skin, she gets into your heart. You're

very soft.

Do anything to keep her.

Anything.

Otherwise, don't even bother.

Thanks, mate. There's a bunch of help.

Yep. Thought you wouldn't get it.

Have you heard anything?

No.

I'm sure she'll be okay, eh?

Yes.

Okay. Hey, baby.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Came to see you.

Isn't she gorgeous? Yeah, she's cool.

Now, are you sure you're going to be all right for an hour? Yeah, I will be just

fine, won't we?

Can anyone help me? I'm getting my legs wet.

What about, you know, Tracy?

What difference does it make if I wait here or at the leg waxes? If anything

happens, just call me a mister.

Yeah, but... Dan, look, look.

She's opening her eyes.

Isn't she just the most beautiful thing?

Don't go freaking out or anything, but I really want one of these.

I don't mean right now.

And I don't mean that we should, like, kidnap this one or anything, but it

be a real choice to have a baby one day.

Don't you want a baby one?

Yeah, sure.

And I'd want one just like this one.

Shit.

Okay.

have any secrets.

Well, we do.

You know what I reckon we ought to do?

We should make one of them videos, you know, where I'm standing behind you in a

hood and you're crying and pleading with the old man just to hand over the money

before I kill you.

You reckon that ought to do the trick?

What?

I'm not doing that to my father.

Oh!

So it's all right to take his money just so long as he doesn't actually worry

about you, I see.

Shut up, Eric.

I'll never understand you people. You might as well be living in another

universe as far as I'm concerned.

He's supposed to care.

Why? Fathers are supposed to care about their daughters.

Yes, well, daughters shouldn't hit their old man up for 200 grand in ransom

money just to get noticed.

Did he even ask to talk to me? Did he ask how I was to check if I was...

I'm sure he does.

You know, in his own way.

Come on.

What the fuck are you doing?

Old habits, Gaia.

Die wondering.

Never, ever have figured that Jasmine was yours.

Yeah.

It's amazing, eh? I must have, like, Asian genes in me or something.

I reckon.

Yeah.

So, you're cool with this?

Van, when I lived with the gang, those guys had kids all

over the place.

And none of them ever looked at their kids with as much love as when you

at Jasmine just before.

I don't care about your past.

I'm your future now.

Well, I presume come and get it, come features was from you.

It's an outline.

What's that?

It's like a script for idiots. When you like the outline, I'll write the actual

script. Fair enough.

What?

Okay, this is not your fault. What's not my fault?

Well, you don't fully understand the needs of a porn film. This is a porn

for women.

For women.

With an actual emotional heart. That's what you don't understand. No, I

understand all of that.

Chopped girl has chance encounter with handsome older man, sparks a passion,

battles with her inner self before giving in and they get it on. I get all

It's hard not to.

So, what's so wrong with it?

Well, it's a porn film.

Yes. For women. But they don't shag until right at the very end. So?

So they don't shag until the very end. Yeah, there's erotic tension.

But no shagging.

What's your point?

Okay, this might be a great idea for a Mills and Boone novel. I don't know, I

don't read Mills and Boone.

But as far as porn goes, it's lacking a certain element. Can you guess what?

Okay, see anything that you can.

It's called sex, Loretta.

Lots of sex. Sex at the beginning, sex at the middle and getting the end away.

I'm sorry, this is all my fault.

You know, I forgot how young you are.

Hey, I'm sorry that I'm not the walking glory hole that is my sister.

Why don't you ask her to write your stupid script? Except, oh yeah, she's an

idiot and she can't write.

Piss off out of my life and stop wasting my time. You should go and hang out

with my dickhead brother because you two are made for each other.

But I want to fuck you, not him.

What did you say?

That's my future.

Right there, surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of old people just like him.

I hate old people.

Okay, so privacy's clearly a thing of the past.

Oh, sorry.

My stuffman died and I was looking for a charger. Mine's at the office.

And you thought you'd look through my private personal stuff while you're

Well, it was just lying there. It's a lovely story.

It's crap.

No, no, no, it's really convincing.

Especially the bit where the girl and the guy get together at the end. It's

very, um... Heterosexual?

You know, Mum, just because Pascal's looking at Dyke doesn't mean I'm gay.

No, I didn't mean that. I just meant... You know, I really like the way the girl

at the end of the short story decides to go for it. Even though she knows

everyone's going to hate her for it in the end.

That's what really got to me about your story.

Thanks.

It's not actually a short story, though. It's an outline for a film.

Oh.

What? No, no, I think it'll make a lovely film. No, what?

Well, it's just that...

The movies that I like, I like to have a bit more action up front.

You mean sex? Well, sex, romance, whatever, rather than having to wait to

end, you know.

Grab life by the balls.

Exactly.

That is exactly what people should do sometimes.

Stop thinking and worrying about all the shit and clean up the mess afterwards.

Anyway,

I need to get to work.

Okay.

So you're involved in a crime, but you can't tell me what the crime was.

But the victim of the crime is just as guilty as you are.

Yeah, that's about the size of it. And I just need to know my rights in case the

so -called victim decides to take matters further with the authorities.

And is this likely?

Well, if I knew to answer that question, I wouldn't be here. Well, if I knew

what the fuck you were talking about, I might be able to help.

That's not very loyally, is it?

Swearing at your clients?

Eric.

What type of crime was it?

It was sort of

in the way of being... You.

You took Tracy.

Oh, now, I didn't mention any names.

Yes, all right, all right, I took her. You're kidding, that's my fucking

girlfriend. And then you come here. You're the only lawyer I know, Jethro.

besides, she was in on it.

What? Oh, yes.

Well, not at the beginning, but she very quickly took over. She's one tough

lady, your girlfriend.

Where is she now?

Well, I don't know. She bloody kung -fu'd me in the nuts and then took off

because no bastard paid her rents and money.

This is the last kidnapping I ever get involved in, I can tell you.

What brought this on? Well, I've just become aware recently that sometimes

a really good idea to grab life by the balls.

OK. So are you in or are you out?

Sure. You're a braver man than me.

And I'm sorry.

For what?

For not grabbing you by the balls earlier.

It's okay.

Has anyone seen my car, please?

Truth.

It was just one guy.

One weirdo. Yeah.

He kept trying to touch me, you know?

God, thank you. No.

Couldn't place his accent.

Maybe Taiwan.

When I had a chance to escape, I just ran.

I was terrified.

Especially when I found out you weren't going to pay the money.

I really thought it was all over then.

Do you have a script for me? No, but I do know how the first thing goes.

How's that?

She knocks on his door and says, if you want to fuck me, then fuck me.

And he does.

Yeah, yeah, that could work.

Are you sure it's all right if I stay?

Yeah, absolutely.

Just, um, chuck it.

Stuff wherever you want.

Just for a few days, though.

I don't really want to be around my so -called family right now.

Hey.

Hey.

Everyone was really worried about you.

Honest.

Not enough to actually pay the money.

That's not true.

I was on the verge of paying it myself.

Really?

Cross my heart.

You have 200 grand.

For you, I would have found it.

Swindle it out of someone's account or something.

That's really sweet.

For you, anything.

I drank like half a bottle of vodka by myself with nobody to keep me company

last night. I still couldn't get to sleep. I kept dreaming of old people.

Thousands and thousands of old people all crowding in on me and making sicko

moaning noises.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Then I woke up and the noise was coming from across the hall.

Then at a war I was having this like humongous sex marathon all night long

forced me to listen to it.

Then I went and saw you, and you weren't even there.

I was busy.

Yeah, well, you officially missed the worst night of my life. Oh, until

and tomorrow night, because nothing in my life can get any worse.

So, I grab life by the balls.

Ouch!

Okay, well, that went about as well as could be expected.

This program was made with funding from New Zealand on Air.