Original subtitles

You want more money?

Smell it.

Touch it.

You get this thing right, that is just the tip of the iceberg.

Are you entering?

The Miss Hoagie Girl competition.

Like, hello?

No. It's for amateur models, Loretta. Thank you. You got Sparky off?

Yep.

Thought I could smell something burning. Come on, you should be proud of her.

Should I?

No, I am.

Well, I'll leave you to it, then.

Exactly real -sized women, are they? Oh, who are these fat chicks parading

around in their undies? In our undies. Wasn't that why we started this company?

What? So fat chicks can wander around the rusty nail and hoochie mama's

knickers? No, this is hoochie girl.

Whose idea was this?

It was Tracy's idea. And you agree to it? Yeah, yeah.

All the jobs in the world to an uncle's head, bro. Running a plumbing firm or a

travel agency.

She chose to make undies.

This is destiny, bro.

That's destiny there. This crystal.

I love destiny.

All right, see you later.

Joy.

Come on, boy.

Time to get it down here.

Boy, it didn't even last for a minute.

Lead it, go. Lead it, go.

Empty your mind. Get empty your mind.

I really love her, Ray.

No, man, I've got to go and talk to her.

Shit.

So how's the charity thing going?

Doing good for others.

That's what it's all about.

You in?

Yep, I see that.

How's school?

Very Catholic.

See that and raise 20.

Ah, you old prick.

Can you lend me 20 bucks?

Up yours.

I'm your adoring youngest daughter. You can't tell me to up yours.

My table, my rules. You don't like them, why don't you bugger off to your mum's

strip show?

Someone's feeling a bit left out.

Are you going to bet or not?

Aren't you meant to have a degenerative brain disease? Hey, you watch how you

talk to your grandfather.

Well, he's pretty fucking selective about it, that's all I'm saying.

Better told it's not that you have to be Isaac Einstein to figure it out.

Oh.

Hi.

Hey.

Bye. Hey.

Why do you allow that in your house?

He's okay.

Hey.

Hey. How's it hanging?

Hey, I can see how it's hanging, actually. It was pretty bloody good.

Thanks. Yeah.

You got really ripped off, eh?

It was pretty good. Nah, nah, you were totally the hottest chick up there, eh?

Thanks. That's okay. Really sweet.

How you been?

You mean since you broke my heart?

Nah, I mean... But you probably don't even remember, so...

No, no, I remember.

I was pretty out of it, but... That's your excuse.

I give you my virginity and you were out of it.

No, hang on. I was going to be the best 16th birthday present you ever had.

Well, it was meant to be the best 16th birthday that I ever had.

You promised you'd call me.

When?

After. After what?

After we slept together.

After I told you I loved you.

Hang on, but we never slept together.

Well, how would you know? You were out of it. No, hang on. Aurora.

Aurora.

You said she loved me.

Are you totally sure that's what she said?

Yeah, for sure.

You sure it wasn't a word that sounded like love, like gloved or dove?

Well, why would she say that?

I don't know.

If she loved me, why would she root Jethro?

Did she?

Yeah, that's what I meant.

But what does she see?

Jethro's ugly face bouncing up and down on her from what I can see. Well, how

does she know it was Jethro? Because he had a...

Jesus! Wake up, dickwad.

Fan, what the hell?

On the night of our 16th birthday, you rooted Aurora Bay. What?

Jethro, what is your moron brother doing in our bedroom?

You rooted her, right?

Why do you want to know this now? Just answer the question.

I can't give a shit what you did when you were 16.

Yep. Sorry.

She hated your guts, so you pretended to be me. Uh -huh. About the only time

that movie ever paid off.

Excuse me?

Apart from you, of course.

You're such a wanker.

Did you promise to call it?

I don't know, Van.

Maybe.

Look, she thought I was you, all right?

Plus, she was all clingy and I love you, Van. Why would I want a chick like

that?

We're leaving.

I am going to find her and I'm going to tell her what you did. Be my guest.

Hog.

it up your ass. Well, I guess not all of us are blessed with the gift of

greeting each new day with joy in our heart.

Look, I told you, you don't have to pretend to be nice to Loretta. Just

her like the rest of us. It's easier.

Now I need some to wash my back.

And my front.

I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

Are you tundering?

What does it look like, dickwad?

But you never joined the... Bacon and eggs.

Are you going to see what that's about?

No. You want me to? If you like.

How was last night?

It was what it was.

That bad, eh?

Screw you.

Well, how am I going to do that if you're all the way over there?

You never throw up. I thought I'd try something new.

No, I'm not pregnant.

You better fucking not be. I'm not.

Are you sure?

I threw up for weeks with you lot.

I haven't been having sex.

I don't even have a boyfriend.

Right, true.

Well, you need to stay at home then. I'll call the school.

No, I am not pregnant.

That's the first bloody question anyone asks when a girl throws up. But you told

me under no circumstances do you ever throw up.

Well, I did today.

Cool, fine, whatever.

So I won't go to school today?

No, I'll call you when it's safe to go back.

Well, I have to say I am more than happy with the progress I'm paying. Well,

more than happy to hear it, Brian.

Peter, that's the charity offer. Can't speak highly enough of you. Oh, he's a

lovely fellow, that one. Almost feels like part of the family.

Have you thought about what you'll do after home detention?

Yes, I have.

I've been thinking about small business.

Getting in on the ground floor, you know, building something up from there.

Cheers, love.

I am so hungover.

I'd kill for a hangover. I'm so over being pregnant.

Can we talk about last night, please?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for whatever I did.

It's a bit blurry.

You told that poor girl she would have won if she'd spent more time trimming

lawn.

Who wants a night out at a flash hotel?

You know the guy I was talking to last night? Who?

Andrew Coddington of the Coddington family.

Which means he's rich.

Richer than God.

So what was he doing at a West Auckland undie show then?

Well, a girlfriend of his girlfriend gave him the wool black Betty suspender

in faux leather as a joke.

But him and his girlfriend liked them.

Really liked them.

To the point where they want to give us a lot of money.

What? To buy more stuff?

To buy into the company.

So he wants to meet us.

All of us?

Yes.

And he thought we might make a bit of a night of it, so he's rented us suites at

the Heritage.

Free night out.

Can't hurt, can it?

Suppose not.

I brought you some food.

When I throw up, the third thing I had was more food. Which is probably why

you're not a model anymore.

Hey, I might quote it myself, Elise. You could do it with Edith.

Why do you care?

I'm practicing.

Caring? Mm -hmm. For when I really need to.

Men are really bad patients, too.

And when the day comes that Hayden needs me, I want to be there for him.

Even when he's chucking, because that's when he's going to need me the most.

Are you sure you're not pregnant?

Because that's exactly like Karina Balani the first time she got knocked

Nah, nothing.

I know nothing. I can hear it, dipshit.

You okay?

Why wouldn't I be okay?

I heard you were chundering your ring out, that's all.

Hey, do you remember Aurora Bay?

Is that a place?

No, the girl that I was in love with in school.

Susie Cato?

No, not in the tally. At my 16th birthday party.

I was 10. How would I know who you were in love with?

Because you were at the party.

Well, I was outside most of the time, stealing crap from all the cars.

Was it you that stole my chainsaw?

No. Look, I'm trying to find her.

By looking in Munter's van.

No.

He's got thick sometimes.

We need the van to be working so we can drive around and look for her.

Van's on a quest for true love.

Yeah. She was the first girl I ever kissed.

First girl that ever let me touch her tit.

After school.

On her bed.

On her bedroom.

And at Mum's house in Te Atatu.

I don't even know how to start looking for it. Her mum's place in Te Atatu?

Oh, my God.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lift it, lift it, lift it.

Lift.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's start looking there, bro.

You see the fence?

He crashed up against the fence. Then he turned his house and... Yeah.

I'm sure there was a house there when I was here.

Well, just listen, that's all.

Can't hurt to listen.

Do you have any idea why Casey and I started this company?

Something to do with real women?

Exactly.

Yeah, well, real women come in all sizes, Cheryl.

And they're everywhere, not just in West Auckland.

You know, with Andrew's money, we could reach all those women.

I didn't realise we were doing the Lord's work, Tracy.

We're just going to listen.

Never forget why we started this company.

Go shopping.

Buy yourself something nice to wear.

Let the girls out to play.

What?

Andrew's a tip man.

A little bit of eye candy.

Never hurt anybody, did it?

Go on, try this on.

You're the one with the instruction to dress a slutty.

Speaking of...

Hayden is going to love this one. Yeah, he'd be gay if he didn't.

Oh, hey.

Hey, Cheryl.

What's up?

What the fuck are you doing here?

I was walking past, I saw you through the window.

Nice to see you too.

What I meant was, I'm here, stopping.

What the girl?

Alright.

Like I said, I was walking past. I thought we'd have an innocent

Right. Right. Okay. Well, I'm buying a dress.

Oh, good store choice then.

Not so good if you're after a toaster.

Yeah, I've got this big business dinner tonight at the Heritage.

Ooh, flash.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a rich guy who wants to buy into Hootsamama.

Wining and dining.

Wheat even.

Good score.

Yeah, I reckon.

I hope it goes well.

You deserve to be rich and successful.

Thanks. She'll wear black.

Goes better with your skin.

Tried it on. Didn't fit.

Oh, okay.

Hayden is going to want to rip this one off his teeth.

Can we go now?

Please?

Fuck, I'm running late.

West women have a history of spewing during pregnancy.

Your great -grandmother threw up on the priest when she was pregnant with me.

I'm not pregnant, Grandpa.

Dude, I don't think that's very hygienic. Oh, have you been raiding my

door again?

No. They're auroras.

Aurora base?

Did you find it?

No. Could you not figure out where she lived?

No. The house got destroyed when an SUV drove through it.

And then her mum moved to bloody Vanuatu, apparently.

And the neighbours, they were no good. They were Koreans.

There were language difficulties.

So what's he doing funnelling Aurora Bay's undies?

You know the part in Cinderella with the glass slipper?

Yeah.

Elements of that.

Does Van want to die today?

Why, has Aurora got a disease?

How would I know?

I just mean that if the gang guys know you're doing some weird touching of the

mall's undies... Gang guys?

Yeah, Aurora's just like total gang slut. She lives with them and

Aurora lives with a gang. Do you not listen?

Yes, she lives with the horsemen.

Shut up, Grandpa.

How do you know this? Everybody knows it. Well, I don't.

It's like totally legendary at Shadpult High, how just before she turned 16,

Miss Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She suddenly ditched school.

Just after the party.

And then she resurfaced years later, shacked up with a biker gang.

Something for every young woman to aspire to.

Where are you going?

She's in there, I can feel it. Yeah, and we're out here, which is a good thing.

Shut up.

The fricking horseman. Do you know what that means, pain and suffering? Get

down. Get down.

Night with them?

Sure is.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to join you.

It's just business, Wolf.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad your business is taking its place.

Thanks for... Thanks for that.

Oh, my God!

Hey, Cheryl!

Check out our wheels!

Oh, see?

That's not dignified.

OK, so it's just a flat dinner and a soak in a hot tub and one of those in

-house video things, girls, that's all.

OK, but... If you do get pissed and go out, don't mention my name.

Oh, and if a guy named Mark offers you E, say no.

Thanks, honey.

Oh, cute.

You're going up in the world. Yeah, are we?

Okay.

You like that?

Better.

Come on in, Cheryl.

My back's here. Fair enough.

You got a glass?

You

know

I'm with you 100%, right?

But give it up, bro.

There's got to be a way in there. Yeah, it's not the way in I'm worried about.

It's the way out with the word alive after it.

Bro, how much money you got?

No way.

Come on, man, please.

This is insanity, man. I don't care. I've got to get in there and tell her

it wasn't me that rooted and dumped her.

Come on, bro, please.

Where'd you get all that?

Thanks,

bro. Love you.

What are you doing?

Crazy fool.

Pizza guy.

Okay, sweet.

But there better not be any fucking olives this time, otherwise you're

dead.

Pizza,

fuck off.

Okay.

Pizza?

Pizza.

Money's on the table.

Come away with me.

I came to find you.

Are you insane?

Maybe. There's something I've got to tell you.

It better be pretty fucking important.

It is.

It's kind of a long story.

Make it a short one.

Okay.

It wasn't me you slept with that night.

It was Jethro.

I saw you two together and I thought you'd hooked up with him instead of me.

And it really hurt.

Aurora, if you had slept with me, I would have called you the next day.

And the day after that. And every day, every hour, whatever it took until you

said you'd go around with me.

And if you didn't answer your phone, then I would have come around to your

and I would have bashed on your door until you opened it.

You wouldn't have had to do that because it would have only taken one phone

call.

Unless I was out and my mum didn't pass on the message that a boy called.

Really? Yeah.

She's bad at passing on messages.

I mean, about the phone call.

Of course.

Like I told you, I was yours.

Then come with me now.

I can't do that.

Why not?

Because I'm not yours anymore.

What? You're blind as is, asshole.

Ben, shut up.

You talk about the guy that did it and they will do you. Well, maybe I don't

care. No problem here.

No, baby.

No, just he hasn't got the right change, that's all.

You go back to your meeting.

I don't want to carry more change, Bella.

I think we're going to roll the fucking pizza boy.

Please go.

They actually paid you? Yeah.

I thought they'd be like, give us our pizza's delivery butcher, we'll kick

nuts through the top of your head.

They even gave you a tip. You're a legend, man.

Yeah.

I need to go get wasted, man.

Come here.

But with money.

He's right here.

Oh, hello.

How are you?

Better for 10 years. Stop it.

Come and meet the hitchy manners.

This is Cheryl, the brains of the operation.

Pleasure to meet you.

Thanks for doing this.

Oh, shit, a brick.

Did you order this brick?

You bet your ass they just did.

No, no, okay.

As your birthing partner, I should know what to do, right? Well, the taxi to the

hospital would be really good.

Right, right, thanks.

Sorry, do you want me to come with you?

Well, considering there'll be Casey, my mum, my sister, my sister's lesbian

lover, my hairdresser who begged because she'd never been to a birth before, my

midwife and whoever else the hospital wants to throw in. Okay, you've got

people already.

God, yes. Is there anything I can do to help?

You can pay for the upbringing of my child. Come on, come on, let's roll.

Bye.

Good luck.

Bye.

anyone for a cocktail?

You know, the weird thing is that when I lost

her, I almost forgot what I lost, you know, and but now that I've

found her and lost her again, I'm never gonna forget.

Yeah, bro.

Yeah. And that sucks.

I know, man, I know.

She knows she's gone.

Yeah. Hi.

Aurora? Yeah.

How'd you get this number?

I ran your house and your sister gave it to me. Oh, right.

I loved talking to you today.

Gee, I love talking to you too.

I wish I could come with you.

We're at the Rusty Nail.

Your sister said.

Ah, so you should come here.

You know I can't do that.

But you came for the contest.

I was trying to win the money so that I could disappear.

You still there?

Yeah.

Tyson doesn't let me get out much. He gets pretty jealous, eh?

What, it's okay for a hundred guys to be yelling at you to show them your tits?

That was him showing me off.

What if I could take you away from all that?

You don't want to do that.

Yeah, I do.

I would come with you.

Hey, Rose.

Rose!

Fane, you really don't want to tangle with these fuckers, man.

Am I wearing hoochie, Mama?

Of course I am. I never wear anything else.

Except when I'm wearing nothing.

Just checking you have faith in your own product.

Where by it?

And what about you, Cheryl?

Oh, let's put it this way, Andrew. My underwear is my business.

Which we're very keen to make your business.

Tell us, Andrew, what were you thinking business -wise?

I think you have a very interesting product and an interesting marketing

concept. But that's where it ends.

You can have as many hoochie mama parties and hoochie girl competitions as

like. You'll battle on for a few years, never really making the money you think

you should.

Then you'll go under.

Gee, thanks, Andrew.

That's the truth, and you both know it.

So what are we doing here, then?

I want to help you change that.

Out of the goodness of your heart.

No, out of the goodness of my wallet.

You seem pretty woman, Cheryl.

Isn't everyone?

I'm Richard Gere.

You are not Richard Gere. No, I'm your Richard Gere. Which makes me some hooker

you got off the street.

I'll be Julia Roberts, I don't mind.

No, I'd buy and sell companies like Richard in the film.

I want to buy your company and sell it to a much bigger company.

You want to buy Hoochie Mammoth?

Yeah, the name, the marketing concept, the idea.

What are we talking here?

Somewhere in the low six figures would be a good place to start.

Look, um...

I'm sorry. I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding.

I was under the impression that you wanted to buy into the business, not buy

whole business.

There's nothing in there for me. Well, nor me. It's not for sale.

Then I guess we're done.

I guess we are.

Thanks for dinner.

My pleasure.

Jesus, Phil. Pull your bloody head in, will you? I can bargain him up to mid

-60s. Bargain them where you want.

I didn't start this business to sell it off to Richard fucking Geer. This is the

best deal we are ever going to get.

Probably. But that's not the point.

You'll never understand it.

Will you start off and leave me alone?

Okay.

No, no, no, no. I didn't mean you.

Right.

Good.

Because I just came to congratulate you.

What, for being a stupid bitch and turning down a shitload of money?

I'm going to crack open this bottle.

Because I think we need it.

Your mother threw up on me once when she was pregnant with you. I thought it was

an apt way of kicking things off between us. Glad I could help.

Raise five.

If you feel you have to throw your money away.

Hello.

Evening.

I'm sorry. You just continue with what you're doing and just ignore us because

we're not here.

How's the chundering thing going?

Not the thing, thank you.

Beautiful woman alone in a bar.

You're either a hooker, an alcoholic, or you have an obnoxious personality.

I called your mum the most frustrating bitch on the planet.

Right. Didn't go so well, huh?

Understatement of the year.

Are the curtains drawn in your room?

What? You heard?

Yes, I suppose they probably are.

I want to take you up to your room.

Open those curtains, strip you naked, bend you over a chair, and screw you

while the city watches.

All right.

Mid -six figures.

That's a lot of money. I know.

That's like a five with a whole lot of zeros, or maybe a six.

I tried explaining it to Tracy, but she just wouldn't understand. Fuck, I'm not

even sure I understand it myself.

It just didn't feel right.

And now the other fellas are going to kill you, eh? Oh, you are such a fucking

joy, Jim.

What are you doing here, anyway?

Well, you mentioned in passing over a rack of frogs, where and when.

And the rest was just good police work.

I love that dress.

Take it off.

You spotted a chance to get your end away, and you took it.

That's more than that in your night. Sorry.

I wanted to share in your victory.

Well, maybe.

Some victory.

Yeah, but we can still do the naked bit.

God, you're lucky I love you.

You can be a pretty bloody infuriating woman at times.

I just don't want to start something I can't stop. Good bloody lad for that.

And what am I meant to do tomorrow when I go home?

Who says you have to go home?

I mean, you walked away from a shitload of money tonight, Cheryl.

And that proves that you can follow your heart when you want to.

Do you have any idea what you're asking me to do?

Do you?

You know, if I leave Wolf for you, my whole fucking world turns upside down.

kids. Desert me for starters.

I'm sorry, I'm just not ready to go there right now.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'll worry about you with him.

He's not jealous or any of that shit. It's just worry.

I'm fine.

Alright.

So what's the plan from here on in?

I don't know.

I'm in tonight, woman.

You want me to go or what?

Do you want to go?

Did you piss that fella off enough for him to cancel the minibar?

She said, I don't know.

Well, we'll take our chances.

You choose the movie, I'll get the room service, and we're going to need a heap

of piss.

Just to fall in love with you. And find someone else.

Too bloody late.

All I gotta do is get in there, find her, grab her, get her out. Well, in

between the get in there and get her out, you missed out the bit where you

to fight off the 20 thugs trying to kill you.

Keep the van running.

It's not running now!

Start it running then.

Yeah, hey, man.

How do you go about joining the horsemen? Because I'm pretty keen to

Fuck off.

Okay.

But can I at least just come in and talk about it? Because, you know, I'm really

fucking keen, man.

If you drink milk, when you chuck, there are white lumpy bits.

I'm not going to chuck.

You're not pregnant, are you?

Thank God, someone's finally catching on.

You're jealous.

Of what?

Your sister.

Why would I be jealous of a no -brain bimbo like her?

Because she's got them and you haven't.

Who?

The one you've got feelings for.

Look, I do not have any feelings for Hayden bloody Peters.

Yep, that's his name.

Your body isn't used to having feelings, so it's rejecting them.

God, you talk shit sometimes.

But I'm right and you know it.

Where do I sleep again now?

In the caravan in the backyard.

He's too old for you, by the way.

Come on, man. It's a great plan.

No, it's not.

Come on.

I'm not going to act as a decoy by tagging horsemen suck dick on their

But you're a really fast runner.

Look, as much as I agree with the part of the plan that says if you don't want

to end up dead, you have to get her away from the gang, guys, that's not going

to magically happen.

You see it?

No, but that doesn't mean that she's still in there.

They're not just going to leave her there alone.

There are guards.

There's always guards.

Pack yourself a bag.

Quickly, we're going on a journey.

I can see you rubbing your eyes in a face that...

Sparky! I know someone who's going to kill you!

Who's that?

I really do!

What the fuck were you doing?

It's personal.

What? It's personal!

Did you get the job finished?

No, thanks for listening, Orbeez.

What are you doing with the horsemen?

None of your fucking business. You do not go around there again, do you

understand me?

Why not?

Say so!

Whatever you're doing, I want in.

Why?

You got something against the horsemen?

Yep. I do, actually.

Okay, good.

I know your name and where you live.

I know the pain that other people give. Shit, that was a bloody stink

movie you made me watch.

It's the last time you get the juice.

Your vital statistics too.

I'm having trouble working out your IQ.

And there's a...

The travelers know so well.

What's so funny?

I think that's reality texting me.

Turn it the bugger off.

Rochelle had a baby boy.

Do you know Rochelle?

She wanted a girl.

Wait, did she hear you threw all that cash away?

Shut up.

Sue, is it right for making me watch that big movie?

You fell asleep halfway through.

You look so good lying there, I almost gave in and jumped you.

Gee, that stopped you.

You know me.

Once I make my mind up, no matter how stupid.

Yeah, well, next time I give you permission to take full advantage of me

sleep. You think there'll be a next time?

That's what I'm hanging on for.

Don't forget to lick the shampoo and stuff on your way out.

This program was made with funding from New Zealand On Air.