Original subtitles

What is it I'm meant to be doing for this charitable organization?

I'm not exactly known for my telethon, madam. Why, I have something else in

to keep you full of good.

Help with my rehabilitation?

Exactly.

This has hit your mother, eh?

My little sideline.

How do you feel about me getting into bed with your girlfriend?

Some people are paying money to see that. 100 % payout. Yeah. Due to your

electrical fault.

There is nothing more beautiful than flames.

What?

Lawyers and track in a middlemore.

Jesus. No one's going to touch them with a barge pole now.

Idiot. We've got to go without them.

Nah.

Nah, it's okay.

I'll sort it.

Okay, who forgot to clear the letterbox?

Maybe it's time you should come and see me.

Jethro West, Barrister, LLB.

Don't be framed for criminal deeds.

Western law will sort your legal needs.

What's your problem? It sounded good. I'm a bit gay.

Pitching is practiced like it was a used car yard.

How terrible.

We wouldn't want him to be a success, would we? Because that's your private

arena.

Oh, my God.

Pitching Mama is being...

Why? Breach of good taste?

No, apparently it's something about negligence and personal injury.

You injured someone with a negligee? Actually, it was a pair of crutchless

knickers. How the hell did you manage that?

Apparently, his balls fell through the area where the crutch... Sorry, sorry.

His balls?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're being sued by a guy who got his nuts half ripped off by

a pair of our knickers.

Ow!

How can Ken and Guy like a drag artist or something?

So we're saving him a few bucks on the sex change operation.

He's a father of two from Mount Roskill or so he reckons.

Not father of three. Oh, I don't.

This is bullshit.

He shouldn't have been wearing them. They're not made for guys. Still clearly

not.

Should be going after ACC, not going after us. Yeah, well, he sounded pretty

angry.

He's an attention -seeking pervert.

And the best place for this is to ignore it and it'll go away, pal.

No. They just got me off robbing a bottle store and you're trying to pay me

whiskey. You can see how this looks, right?

Well, Neil, fuck off now.

Feel like a hero, Jethro? Getting scum like Neil Pearson off?

Everyone's entitled to the best defense their money can buy.

Excuse me, Sergeant Judd. I just can't get enough of me.

We've been lower.

Yeah, hi, Dad. What is it?

What's this ad shit I keep hearing on the radio? It makes you sound desperate.

Yeah, well, a few more actual paying clients wouldn't hurt.

You get legal aid fees, don't you?

Yep, some.

Well, stop bitching and welcome to the world of defending the little guy.

Just be nice if the little guy had laid down some real cash.

I can't cover my running costs on whiskey and free tree stump removal.

I've got a case for you.

Big one.

How big?

Often.

Uh, nah, no way.

Sparky is a loyal friend currently on remand awaiting trial and he needs a

lawyer. Yeah, because he put his last lawyer in hospital.

He slipped and fell during a misunderstanding.

While Sparky had his hands around his throat.

He needs a new lawyer.

That lawyer will be you.

Why? Because I'm your father who set you up in business. Why do you want to keep

him out?

Get him out and I'll tell you.

You doing a sideline in butchery?

Hmm?

Oh, compliments of Mule Bereson's parents.

Look, Mum, this is bollocks, so to speak. There's no case here.

So why is the lawyer sending me letters?

Well, he knows his client's a loser, but sometimes I'll write the letter

charging for it. Just ignore it.

Well, shouldn't you just write a letter back, you know, to be on the safe side?

No, I really don't have time for this. Oh, come on, look, your mother could be

facing financial ruin and you don't give a shit. You're not facing financial...

You've gone by into business.

Good boy.

Hey, heard you're out on the radio. Sounds great.

Great. Um, don't suppose you'll be paying cash?

Well, we'll sort something out.

Sure it's hygienic, having that sitting there?

Just help yourself.

So, are you entering?

The Miss Hoochie Girl competition.

Like, hello?

No. But walking around in your underwear in front of strange men is what you do

best. It's for amateur models, Loretta. Who said anything about modelling?

Look, A, I'm not modelling my mother's underwear brand. It's like incest.

And B, I'm over modelling. I'm going to the next level.

Prostitution? No.

Think about it.

Rachel Hunter was a model and then what did she do?

Nothing. She got married.

And you think Hayden wants to marry you because... Because I'm hot and I'm

generous with my body and I'm really good at... Faking.

Because when?

Look, Loretta, just because nobody wants to marry a bitch face like you doesn't

mean you have to put me down.

I'm perfect wife material, and Hayden knows it.

Does he?

He will.

So, Barry, tell me about your relationship with your neighbour.

Did I say you could call me Barry?

In court, we use real names.

Remember Spucky?

Apart from the odd boundary dispute, the neighbour and I got on all right.

Until he fought one of those leaf blowers.

Nine fucking horsepower.

For fucking leaves.

That'll blow a 747 out of the sky.

Yeah. Now, is it true you told him, if you don't turn that

fucking thing off, I'll fucking burn your fucking house down? I believe I was

speaking for the whole street.

Yeah, true. These leaf blowers are the devil's work.

And the fact that he would use it on a Sunday morning.

Well, I'd say he got exactly what he deserved, eh?

Eh?

Mind you, it was beautiful, but the trail the carer's seen lit up like...

like little soldiers of flame, marching toward his house, up the steps, through

the back door, up the stairs, and to the ensuite, where the leaf blower was

miraculously wedged in the toilet. Kaboom!

I tell you, those little petrol tanks make

a hell of a punch.

Only me.

Hi, Heidi.

Hi, Dad. Hello, babe.

Hello, princess.

I brought you some baking.

I didn't know that you baked, love. Your daughter's got many talents.

I just hadn't come across the baking one.

And what exactly do you do here, Dad?

I make calls and I handle future planning.

So cool. I love future planning.

Heidi, have you ever done any future planning?

No, it's not my strong point, love. It's why I've got Wolf.

Oh.

Well, I'm cooking tonight because I love cooking too.

Are you going to come? You just try and stop me.

I am a lucky guy.

Yes, you are.

Never forget it.

I'm bored. Take me to lunch.

All right, flat out.

Don't be dull.

Don't go hard telling me about this, all right?

It's all your fault.

What have I done?

You castrated some guy.

Oh, that loser.

I told Cheryl to ignore him. Yeah, well, she told me to write him a letter.

It is with deep regret that we learnt of Mr Canning's unfortunate accident.

Deep disgust, more like.

Why are you being such a pussy?

I'm not being a pussy. I'm being a lawyer. There's a difference.

A freak like him lives to be taken seriously. Tell him to piss off and

never hear the end of it. You know what, Tracy? I've got about a million better

things to do with my time than sit here and talk to you...

It's your company. You think you can do better? You write it.

Well, no need to get snarky about it.

Letterhead's already in the printer.

Courier envelope, already addressed.

Oh, legal bullshit's a piece of piss.

Clive, this aforementioned and that.

Absolutely.

Dad, there is no way in hell that I can... Staying for dinner?

Oh, no. No, I can't, thanks.

Sure. You're pegged.

Yep, I'm sure.

The only thing that could make him look more guilty is that he had a sign on his

forehead saying, yep, I did it.

Now look, I can argue for a shorter sentence than a minute. That's not an

option.

Front half of Sparky's fee.

That should help with your cash flow problem.

I have faith in you.

Why do you want to work with a freak like Sparky?

Get him out and I'll tell you.

Well, it's a real shame Jethro can't be here, seeing as it's his pig and all.

I wish some of the clients down at the Galleria would pay me a book.

I just wish I had some clients, actually. Maybe you should move your

of the rusty nail.

Or maybe you should have one of those radio ads like Jethro.

Oh yeah, I heard that today.

Catchy. Bollocks.

We've got everything you need at West's Galleria.

Fridges and freezers. And dope and beer.

Galleria? No, gonorrhea.

He can handle himself.

That's right, yeah, we do sell that as well. He's very well put.

I would have thought gonorrhea was more up your alley, Mr Peters.

Why's that, Ted?

Your father's knocking shops are famous for it. Ted. The old man's dead now.

Clamp got him, did he? Grandpa!

Well, those knocking shops are all legit old folks' homes now, Ted, so maybe you

should watch out, eh? Like hell.

Pass the applesauce.

The applesauce that I made with my very own hands. By using the can opener on

the can marked applesauce. As if you know how to cook.

So what is Jethro up to these days?

What, apart from fending off lawsuits about your man -eating underwear?

What's that?

The cook I was wearing summer bumps cropped with panties. No, he's half the

he used to be. What I meant was, what's Jethro doing for you?

Nothing. No, he's right here.

He's defending Sparky, isn't he?

After Sparky had to run in with his old counsel and he had to run in to the

hospital.

I think she really hoped it doesn't happen at the death row.

Did you put death row on the Sparky?

It's good for Jethro to have some bigger fish to fry. Oh, God, he's hardly a

fish. He's more like a rabid dog.

Sparky's a friend in need.

Jesus, Walsh, you've got to draw the line somewhere.

Preferably with a nut bar like Sparky on the other side.

Jethro knows how to handle Sparky, and Sparky knows that if he messes with

Jethro, he answers to me.

Well, aren't you Mr. Fix -It?

Yeah, that's me, bud.

What are you doing?

Instead of concentrating on Jethro, you should be thinking about your business.

Like installing safety catches on those Craigslist grads of yours.

Thank you.

Exactly what I had in mind.

Hayden was so impressed with dinner last night, he virtually popped the

question. Virtually?

Well,

obviously he's going to wait for the most romantic time to say, will you

me? But how will you say yes with your mouth full?

Jealousy is ugly, Loretta.

Oh, that's right. You can't be jealous because you're a frigid dyke.

I'm not a dyke. And I'm so not jealous.

And he's so not going to marry you.

Give me one good reason why not.

Pascal, even by your standards, this is deluded. One pork dinner that you didn't

even cook does not say marriage dead ahead.

Loretta, all the signs are there. He loves my cooking.

God, imagine if you cooked like that for me every day.

I'd like that.

Yeah, it's all right. Apart from the fact I'd look like a whale.

You didn't cook anything.

He agrees that my room is too small for us as a couple. It'd be much nicer for

us to have a place together.

Something bigger?

Yeah, I guess.

He wants me to quit modelling and I make him as horny as hell.

What more do you need?

Something in common, for starters. We've got lots in common.

Heaps. So when the fire engines arrived, you were on your back lawn.

Of course.

There was a fire.

Yes, Barry.

An arson two doors down from your house.

Teeth through.

I'm trying to explain to you that there was a fire at night and there were

flames leaping high into the pitch black sky.

And when this happens, I get moved.

I often feel the need to free myself from the lowly shackles of humanity.

Right, so that's why you were naked.

I was not naked.

I had my welding goggles on.

Okay.

Now, witnesses, were you dancing?

Perverts. I mean, can't a man have...

A moment to himself?

Look, just because I was enjoying the flame doesn't mean I started the flame,

now does it? Nope, quite right.

It says here in your initial statement that you were with a friend at the time

the fire started, but you refused to give a name.

Okay.

Ms. Parkey?

Without a name here, you have no alibi.

And we're screwed.

Wolf wouldn't like that. No.

Wolf would not like that.

Tinkerbell.

Okay.

You're with some chick called Tinkerbell.

Tinkerbell who? Tinkerbell no last name, you fuckwit!

Sometimes.

When I've been up for a few days, Jeffro, then she comes.

But I'm not fucking insane.

No one is saying you're insane.

When the flames leap, that's when she comes.

She's so beautiful.

A little trail of sparks behind her.

Wait a second.

Do you mean Tinkerbell as in Peter Pan Tinkerbell?

That fucking lawyer laughed at me too. Jesus Christ, Sparky. She is real.

Do you understand me? I believe you.

I believe you. Hey, let him go.

Fuck.

You okay, mate? We're fine.

It's fine.

Jesus Christ. Your father wouldn't have laughed at me. I'm not laughing.

We're fine.

I thought you were supposed to be Mr.

Smarty Pants Lawyer.

Dad, Sparky's best friend is a fictional fairy.

He's going to get trucked off to the funny farm, and I'm going to get laughed

out of court.

You know, I'm beginning to think I invested in a gutless wonder.

Oh, come on.

You want more money.

Smell it.

Touch it.

You get this thing right, that is just the tip of the iceberg.

Find Tinkerbell.

Shira West?

Who wants to know?

This is the address of Hoochie Mama. My wife bought some Hoochie Mama underwear

from a blousy blonde called Shira West. I'm guessing you're Shira West.

So?

I'm Malcolm Canning.

Oh, my God.

You're the panty guy.

Exactly the attitude that I was expecting. Sorry. OK.

Do you want to come in?

My lawyer sent you a letter explaining my position. Your lawyer is a heartless

bastard. He's also my son.

Then he takes after his mother.

In the light of the abuse in this letter... What?

What abuse?

Slanderous attacks on my personality and sexuality.

It's all about the money for you people, isn't it?

You just don't care.

Oh, Jethro.

Jethro, you little bastard.

Are you fucked in the head?

Van, that's what Dad wants.

Remail it.

No and way.

Thanks for the beer. Come on, Van.

Sparky's been a friend of the family for years. Yeah, only because everyone's

too scared to tell him to piss off because he'll burn our house down, man.

Look, all you have to do is say that your nickname's Tinkerbell and you're

Sparky when the fire starts.

Yeah, but I have to do that in court.

So what? You've lied in court before?

No.

No way am I saying I've got such a gay nickname.

It could be a private nickname. I'm not doing it yet.

Okay.

You tell Dad that.

Yeah, no worries. Bring it on.

Yep, okay.

I'll do it.

But only because I'm prepared to do you a favour, Dad.

Van, I'm your father.

I don't owe you any favours.

You do it because you love me.

Got it?

Good boy.

Good.

But I'm not going to say that I was dancing naked on the lawn with Sparky.

It's just creepy.

Yeah.

I've got something lined up.

Something very big.

And I want you in the fold, Jethro.

But I need Sparky out of jail.

So, Mr West.

On the night in question, you were watching videos inside Mr Gibbs'

Yes. And what video did you watch?

Backdraft.

Good.

While you watched the movie Backdraft, did Mr. Gibbs ever leave the room?

Say, to go to the toilet?

I don't know.

You say no.

Otherwise, if he did leave the room, he had the opportunity to pop next door and

burn the house down. Got it?

Sparky would have just pissed on the couch, man.

Man, don't yell at me.

While you watched the movie Backdraft, did Mr. Gibbs ever leave the room at

I don't know. No, Van, he didn't. Well, I know, man. I wasn't even there.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Van, get your shit together, would you?

If Sparky goes to jail, he'll kill us both when he gets out.

Van,

this is important to Dad, all right?

Yeah, okay.

Questions,

answers. Get them inside your thick hair before tomorrow.

If you don't, we die.

I do, mate.

What did you do?

Nothing. Van was just picking something up.

Sonny gave it to me as a part payment.

Thought Van might like it for my one -wheel car.

You said I could have the belt sander too, eh, bro?

Yep. Joy.

See you, Jack. Bye, Mum.

What the hell is this?

How does it help me by questioning whether the guy actually had balls to

with?

It's not fun. Funny death row. Especially the bit where you reckon if

him to hook off, he should apply for fitness benefits.

Thank you so much. What the hell kind of lawyer are you? A fucking busy one.

Don't you swear at me. I'm in deep shit. What were you, pissed? No, I was taking

instruction from my client.

Plural. You want to talk about the finer points of wording, talk to Tracy.

She's the director of Hoochie Mama as well, right?

Tracy wrote this? She volunteered.

What, a new letter?

I'm snowed under, Mum.

You'd better unwrite it. I don't have time. What, you're too busy defending

psychopaths for your father? Gee.

Fucking Christ. Jesus, anyone that now would be on the fucking P like Corky.

Yeah, probably.

Mate, you'll be able to see the second hand on his watch.

These cameras can pick up that kind of detail.

Absolutely.

Hello.

Just me.

Hello, babe.

Muffin time.

For you.

Actually, I'm not really hungry.

Where's mine? You can have yours at home.

Here, you have this one. Cheers. Dad.

What? It's not for you. Well, he said I could have it.

There's a surprise in it.

And a muffin.

Way to ruin the surprise, Dad.

Wow.

Tickets for the stock cars at Waikareka Park.

Contacts in the tyre business.

And I thought, seeing as you like driving cars and I like riding in them,

we could do a car thing together.

You are too much. But to be honest, I bloody hate stock cars.

Sorry. That's amazing.

So do I.

Well, you got the message.

Oh, and what message is that? I'm sorry your client's a filthy pervert. I'll see

you in court. Relax, Cheryl. How can I relax when my company could be facing

financial ruin?

Your company.

Just because you're an investor doesn't give you the right to go behind my back.

This business was started by Casey, Rochelle and me. It was our vision.

You don't have a vision, Cheryl.

Not in the business sense.

That's why I'm here.

I know about business.

Yeah, the hocking of stolen goods business, maybe.

Come on, Cheryl.

Get real.

All right, I'm dealing with this from now on. Fine, do it your way. Good luck.

It's not about luck. It's about people skills.

It's about giving him what he really wants, actually. Oh, and what's that?

Well, you're handling it. You figure it out.

Malcolm, thanks for coming.

Do you want a beer?

Can't drink beer after the attack.

Too much liquid causes me no end of grief. Bruised bladder. Okay.

Well, look, I just wanted to apologise face to face for the letter. It was a

total misunderstanding.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't tell my story publicly.

Sure you want to do that?

I'm quite prepared, Mrs West.

Don't you think you'd be the laughing stock?

Mrs West, role reversal in the bedroom is commonplace.

Haven't you and your husband indulged from time to time?

Come on, baby.

Take me.

No. We haven't.

And we never bloody will. Because you know it's not safe.

That's not right.

I'm beyond your scorn, Mrs West.

Aside from a bruised bladder, I have some very nasty lacerations. Something

actually burst, but I'm not going to go into that. Well, look, I'm really sorry

about that, but that's not our responsibility. I have a re -appended

severe swelling, and some unfortunate discoloration.

In my mind, I'm already a laughingstock, so I have nothing to lose. Well, what

do you want us to do?

I want a full product recall of all your hoochie mama crotchless panties.

I want labelling on your packaging, warning people of the dangers and a

apology in the Herald. You're kidding, right?

Most definitely not. This is some kind of reality TV show, isn't it? And you're

filming me, winding me up for a laugh.

Perhaps you'll take me more seriously when my lawyer demands 50 ,000 in

Good day, Mrs West.

And perhaps you'll take me seriously when I say you're a loser.

Get with the programme, Malcolm.

They're women's underpants.

Women. Listen, if you like sticking your dick out of chicks' knickers, good on

you, mate, but don't expect a bloody medal. And you'll get blood out of a

before I will pay for some screwed -up fantasy, which is your sex life.

Mr. West. Your Honour.

Is there something wrong with your client?

What are you doing?

You told me not to say anything.

It doesn't mean you flip your arms around like an idiot.

Are you calling an idiot?

What do you want?

She's not here.

Who?

Think about it.

I mean, what if she doesn't show?

Usually she only comes with the flames.

Sparky, all witnesses have to remain outside until called. Remember?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That prosecutor looks a prick.

I'd love to torch his car.

Yeah, maybe later. Okay, sit down.

What time did you start watching the video?

Seven.

Or eight?

Yeah. Correct.

And you were in the presence of Mr Gibbs at all times?

Yep. Yes.

Correct. Which one of the Baldwin brothers do you think was the best in

movie?

I don't even remember that question, man. No, I'm just asking both.

man. You know there are three Baldwin brothers in the same movie. That's rare

and special. Well, stick to the questions.

It must be hard, man. You know, trying to remember the truth when it's not

actually the truth.

It'd be easier to lie, man. Munt, shut up.

Okay? Start again.

What time did you start watching the movie?

Seven.

So?

I can't stop him. He's a bull at the gate.

Or perhaps not a bull.

He's going to go public.

Do you want me to take care of it from now on?

You think you can stop him?

Do you want me to take care of it from now on?

Yes.

Please.

Detective Sergeant Judd, were those the exact words the victim told you Mr Gibbs

said to him just days before the fire?

It's very important that this is 100 % accurate for the court.

Yes. Mr.

Papadopoulos told me Mr. Gibbs said, if you don't turn the fucking thing off,

I'll fucking burn your fucking house down.

I wrote it down exactly.

Exactly. Wasn't hard to remember.

So here we have a suspicious fire only doors away from the home of Mr. Gibbs.

Did that seem surprising to you in any way?

Well, I couldn't say if I was surprised or not.

But Mr.

Gibbs is no stranger to you as he detected... Objection!

How is this admissible? Agreed, Mr West. Your Honour, I was merely alluding to

the fact that the police have been called several times to deal with

between Mr Papadopoulos and Mr Gibbs. Then why didn't you just ask Detective

Judd that in the first place?

I was trying to give it a sense of importance in the context of the case.

Just keep your questions to the point, please, Counsel.

No further questions for Detective Judd?

Detective Sergeant Judd.

The threat that Mr. Gibbs allegedly made against Mr.

Pocotopoulos. Could you find anyone else that heard this?

No.

And were Mr. Gibbs' fingerprints found on the leaf blower?

The leaf blower was a melted piece of shrapnel.

So that's a no?

Yeah, that's a no.

And there were no witnesses that saw Mr. Gibbs anywhere near the victim's house

at the time the fire started?

There were plenty of people who saw him dancing on the lawn when the fire... But

at the time the fire started?

No.

No further questions, Your Honour.

I can't do it.

Yes, you can. You can lie in court for your dad.

No, I mean, I can't remember this shit.

I mean, I think I've got it straight in my head and my brain tenses up and I get

all confused again. I can't fucking do it.

Bro, you need to relax, man. Yeah, no shit.

It's moments like these you need one of my mum's cookies.

I can't go in the stand still, man. That'll freak me out more.

You do some of your best thinking, Stone.

Yeah, but not in court.

Look, they're really, really small.

Just one to take the edge off. You'll sail through.

It'll be like having a friend to hold your hand.

As my next witness, I'd like to call Van Tinkerbell West.

Van Tinkerbell West.

You have provided the court with a statement saying that you were with Mr.

on the night the fire occurred?

Yes, I have.

You were inside his residence, watching videos the whole night?

Backdraft. With the ball in the film, not in the house.

Did Mr. Gibbs ever leave the house at all?

Did he ever even just leave the room?

While you watched the movie Backdraft, did Mr. Gibbs ever leave the room?

I don't even think he pissed. Thank you.

I think he pissed on the couch.

I did not!

Mr. West, please confine your answers to the questions. Can I just say that I

wasn't naked.

Mr. West, I don't believe nudity has been referred to.

But you weren't nude.

When was the first time you and Mr. Gibbs actually left the house that

When we had the fire in there.

Thank you, Mr. West.

No further questions, Your Honour.

Mr. Tinkerbell.

See, Sparky, he likes to dance naked while the flames talk to him.

There was one time he did it at our house at Guy Fawkes, and he had this

boner.

Your Honour, I must have eaten something that disagreed with me.

Request a short break?

Very well.

We'll adjourn for 20 minutes.

Thank you.

Clear the court.

Mr West, I remind you, you are still under oath.

All rise.

You, guard the door.

If anyone sees us together... I don't think there's any double... My career

be dead, you moron!

Tampering with a witness? And you're fucking stoned!

That was an accident.

It's true, bro. One little cookie did that to a man. Man, that is seriously

strong. You are a useless prick!

20 minutes, once in your life, you had to hold it together.

But no, no.

Not Van West.

Tinkerbell West.

You can fuck up.

Needham is going to crucify him in the cross -examination.

You hear that, Ben? He is going to squash you like a bug.

How do you feel about that, huh?

Oh, man, the lights in here are bright.

Ben, you have got to pull it

together. If I lose this case, Sparky goes to jail and...

Take off your clothes.

What? Told you he was gay, bro. Shut it.

Close. Swap. Hurry up.

Why? I'm taking the stand as you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't think that's a very good idea. It's not a good idea.

It's a fucked idea.

But I'm not having him screw this up now.

I mean, if you're him, then he has to be you.

Bam, listen to me.

When we get back in there, do not speak.

You hear me?

If in doubt, nod your head.

Okay? Nodding of head good, speaking bad. Got it?

Yeah.

Good.

And we've got 20 minutes to get you as great as a judge.

Mr West, you and Mr Gibbs are watching Backdraft together.

Yep.

So you and Mr Gibbs have a fascination with fire?

Who said Barry had a thing for fire?

Didn't you?

Just before?

No.

No, no.

Barry has a thing for dancing.

Then perhaps the two of you share a love of fire appliances.

You're watching a movie about them and almost immediately three fire engines

turn up in your street.

That must have made Mr Gibbs very happy.

I don't know how Mr Gibbs felt.

You'd have to ask him me.

Mr West, when the...

Barry never saw the fire engine.

He was dancing in his backyard.

Thank you.

Now, before the fire engines... I don't like fire engines, eh? They go too fast

and they could hurt small children.

So you like small children, do you, Van?

Objection! Quite so.

Mr Needham, please... Withdrawn, Your Honour.

Now, Van Tinkerbell West... That's my name. Don't wear it out.

I'm curious, how long have you been known as Tinkerbell?

Well, when we were kids, me and...

Jethro used to play Peter Pan.

A lot.

This is Jethro, your brother.

Counsel for the defence.

Who can call his own brother as a star witness. Mr Needham, I've issued my

instructions on this. He can call who he likes.

You know that.

As you were saying, Tinkerbell?

Yeah, well, being that Jethro's older than me by about three and a half

he always got to be Peter Pan, and I had to, like, be Tinkerbell.

The name stuck.

So it would be fair to say that you, as an individual, are open to persuasion.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, how else would you explain allowing yourself to be so emasculated

brother as to always accept being Tinkerbell?

I can answer that.

Because when I was a kid, I was locked in a freezer, and now I'm a bit thick.

I know, mate. Mr West, you may sit down.

So you're a bit too thick to remember if you were even with Mr Gibbs on that

night. Mr Needham. Are you saying I'm lying?

Are you, Mr West?

Are you maybe saying what your Peter Pan of a brother wants you to say?

No. No?

No. It's the best you can come up with? Yep. Tinkerbell?

For heaven's sake, that is enough.

I will see counsel in chambers.

Clear the court.

Whatever happens, just nod.

Counsel, approach the bench.

You want one of my mum's cookies?

Ben Tinkerbell with... You learn something new every day.

There's a lot you don't know about me.

How's your mum?

Fine.

Dad, mine too.

Of course.

Something about this case that I really don't like.

You know what I mean, don't you, Mr West?

Are you trying to make this man's job easy, Mr Needham?

Uncorroborated allegations, circumstantial evidence, badgering the

This is the saddest excuse for a prosecution I've ever seen. Your Honour,

have no further witnesses, am I correct?

A lawyer not in love with the sound of his own voice. You are a breath of fresh

air, Mr. West.

You did it!

You did it! You're so sparky!

Society thanks you.

Now, can I have my clothes back? Man, this is lawyer shit. It's easy, bro.

You should try working at the lucky dollar store, man.

That's hard.

Hey! Get through it!

What did I tell you?

We need his faith, hope, and care of things.

No, you never told me that, Sparky. Did I? No.

Me too.

Right. Hey, look, about my fee.

Well, I'm a bit short right now. Have you got any electrical work done?

It's taken care of, Sparky.

Hey, tell Van if he wants to come over and watch Backdraft again.

I'll pass it on.

I thought you might like to know that me and Hayden found our thing in

common. You're both blonde.

No, we both hate stock cars.

I'm sorry. I was so wrong. And that is such a strong basis for a marriage. You

are going to be a lonely old woman.

Well, I look forward to getting my wedding invitation.

And even more to being particularly busy on that special day.

Your loss, Spencer.

You have to come. No, I don't. We all have to be there. Not me.

Well, you told Tracey to sort it out, so she sorted it out.

Oh, you've got to come with us.

Yeah. We're a united front, Cheryl.

Oh, God, all right. Yeah, but not dressed like that. What's wrong with

wearing? Oh, you've got to fly the flag, Cheryl.

Hi, guys.

Mum. Hi.

Here he is. Hey, Dad.

Peter. Yeah, Lemon.

Well done.

You want to help her?

Let's leave the ladies to it, shall we?

OK, OK, let's get a dress when we get there. Come on, let's go.

Cheryl, come on, people are waiting. What about our dinner?

Forget about them.

Oh, my God, visions of loveliness. Any time you want.

Back off, he's mine.

Hi, there. Hey, Barry, is Wolf here?

Well, he's not at work and he is on home detention, so where else would he be?

That's a good point, honey.

He's downstairs with Jethro.

I just need a quick word.

Almost proposed then.

May not happen overnight, but it will happen.

I was just telling Jethro how we need Sparky to do some work on a particular

job. Yeah, particularly a big job.

Since you've proven yourself to be a shit -hot lawyer, we were wondering how

you'd feel about cleaning some money.

Yeah, I reckon I could feel pretty good about that.

Ever since I was a girl, I wanted my picture in the Women's Weekly.

And now it's come true and I look like a hippo. Hey, you have awesome tits.

True.

Oh, you look so much better. You look sick in suits.

Oh, they're in the hoochie girl competition.

And we've got to stand next to them while we have a photo taken?

Well, Tati said it would be good publicity.

Yeah, well, good for her. She's a size six.

Initially, hoochie mama didn't take Markham's claim seriously.

I guess not being men, we couldn't really feel his pain.

Damn right they couldn't. But once we understood where he was coming from,

we resolved to do whatever it took to make Malcolm feel better.

Did we win?

And so, to that end, and from here on in, we'll be putting labels in the

packaging of our crotchless knickers to warn our male wearers of the possible

dangers. Really?

Look, Malcolm, we really want to help you in any way possible.

What about compensation?

Oh, no, it was never about the money.

Malcolm just wanted to be taken seriously.

She's good.

And to show Malcolm how seriously we're taking him.

Oh, here they come.

Here what come?

I hope you'll accept this one -off custom design.

As a way of saying, no hard feelings.

Oh, my goodness.

We could call them the man -eater, in your honour.

Okay, who whipped up the man -panty?

Well, Tracey can't sew.

And why did no one tell me about this? Tracey said you'd say it was a stupid

idea. You got that right.

But it worked.

Incredible. I'm blown away.

I don't know what to say.

Give the man what he wants.

That's good for me. Shall we do the photos?

No hard feelings, Mrs West? No hard feelings, Malcolm.

Oh, and I sense you're well on the way to recovery already.

Listen.

You and your husband would like to come over for dinner.

My wife and I would love to have you.

Well, thank you. We'll think about that.

Okay, everyone, let's move quickly.

Come on.

And again.

You already expressed.

Are you going to join a club?

No, I'm good, thanks.

You look hot.

What does he look hot?

It was great.

What celebration?

Our son did some very good work today.

Take it you got Sparky off?

Yep.

Thought I could smell something burning. Come on, you should be proud of it.

Should I?

No, I am.

Well, I'll leave you to it then.

This program was made with funding from New Zealand On Air.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0