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When Mr. Holm finds out that I've been robbing his wife, he's going to put my
balls in a deep fryer. I'll look after you.
Do you really want to play mummies and daddy with her?
Well, no.
How the hell should I know? Ask her.
You rooted her, didn't you?
When you were pretending to be me, you took advantage of me to take advantage
her, didn't you?
Oh, we should go to Sydney and do that again.
Yes, exactly. I wonder if Fan's got a passport.
Fan, have you got a passport?
No. Damn.
Who are we going to get to carry our bags?
Oh, I don't give a shit.
Oh, cheer up.
No, we're still grumpy hour because that lady hit you. You sent me to get
matching French cut whatever's and then change dressing rooms. No, Dan. No, we
didn't.
I quit.
Sorry.
Yeah. I mean, fuck it.
I quit.
I'm tired of being your bum boy, getting dragged around every chick store in
town, getting stared at like I'm a pervert. I quit.
I freaking quit, man. What is going on?
Darling, we've just come to show you what we bought today.
But Van isn't happy, which makes us sad.
Is that so?
Yeah.
You see, the thing is, Mr. Hong, I don't like being treated like a man -slave.
Man, yes.
Slave, no.
I know I owed you big time for that antique thing I smashed when we broke
your house and stole all your stuff.
And it was really unfortunate that your mother broke her hip.
How is she, by the way? She... good?
Um... Look.
The thing is, I figure whatever debt I owed you, it's paid off by now.
The debt van was over long ago.
Really?
You're free to go.
What's the date?
Eight. You've been a good worker, Van.
I want to offer you a new challenge.
If you do well, much more money.
Yeah.
You want it?
for sure man good good come
This is too tragic a word.
Come on, Mr. D, take the plunge. Make Mr. D's night.
No, no, no, I couldn't. I never wear these things. Oh, yes, you could. I
you would look incredibly hot in the purple haze teddy suit.
Go on, live a little.
All right.
It's my arm.
You know, if you buy two, you get this pair of crotchless knickers free.
What?
Darling, not crotchless knickers.
Great, Mum.
Really great.
God, I need drug. Come with us.
I hope you don't mind.
What? That we didn't use you as our model in our Hitchin' Mama house study.
I'll get over it eventually.
Which it's about that we should use real women.
There I am. Over it.
Come on, matey. That's your mother.
Mum, this water.
Ben, baby.
Come to Hitchin' Mama.
You know, in all these years, I've never actually been in Van's room.
Lucky you.
It's just so manly.
Fucking smelly more like.
Hi, Van.
What are you doing?
Smoking your drugs.
Well, don't. Don't worry, we'll give you some.
So, how are things, Van?
Pretty good, actually, thanks, Dreska.
That's really great.
Yeah. Got some really interesting things happening on the work front.
The Hongs give you a new pool skimmer.
No, thank you.
Got to keep my head clear, eh?
Start my new position tomorrow.
Management. Wow.
Yeah, very fucking wow, man.
See, if I play my cards right, Mr. Hong said he might put me in charge of the
whole Lucky Dollar Store franchise.
That's four stores across Auckland.
And... Looking to expand into Hamilton.
Wow, who knew there was such a demand for crap?
Oh, sorry.
All the ridder. I've got to account for breakages.
Bloody hell.
Van West, working for the bloody chink.
What's the world coming to? He's treating me pretty good so far, Mr.
Yeah, manager, in fact.
These people speak bloody English.
These people come over here with their bloody money and don't even bother to
speak the language.
And don't get me started on that driving.
Sorry. I shouldn't walk at all.
With these lazy bloody islanders, I employ always calling in sick.
Sign there.
Oh, please.
Good boy.
Thanks.
Tell your mother I said thanks.
What for?
A little present.
Mrs. D and I unripped it last night.
Oh.
Did Mr. Dog look fat when he was in here? No, it's an infecticide.
We had a bit of a problem with cockroaches, but it's sorted.
You should tell that to the cockroach on the counter.
Fucking things are hard to kill, man.
I'm going. The smell is going to make me want to hurl.
But you're a model.
Hurling is a way of life.
Hey, given that models don't actually eat anything, what do they hurl when
hurl? They're great folk.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Ah, hey.
Good old Chris Amon primary, eh? Yeah, so?
Is pervy old Mr. Jansen still there?
Yep. Yeah, does he still do that, like, weird shit with his glass eye?
Nah, the water trust gives me a stop.
Ah, true.
I'm the manager here.
Have you got any of the Fujimaru Royal series left? Yeah.
It's your lucky day.
We just got a new shipment in.
Oh, I'm looking for this really rare card with mega abilities and like nine
different powers they just call King Baby.
So open them up.
Yeah, I am.
They're pretty popular, are they?
It's only like the best card series in the whole entire world.
I'll have two picks.
Yeah, we'll have to check them off and counter them, alright?
What? Stock inventory.
Manager stuff.
I'll only take a second.
Nice down.
Okay.
362. 364.
363.
One of my first fucking day, man.
Look, can I have my cards or not? What?
No. No.
Screw this or bother me elsewhere.
Oh, good for you.
Fuck off.
Dickhead.
Hey, guys.
Hey, man. How's it going?
Hey, grass.
Wow, that's so weird. I was just thinking about you.
Yeah? Yeah, remember that time it was Pascal's birthday and I stayed over and
you and your mates, you schooled those blue meanies from New Plymouth? Yeah,
yeah, you mean the time that I ended up making it and mum locked me up in the
shed. Yeah, and you had like that incredible huddle.
Yeah, I'm here to see your dad, Drasker.
Oh, yeah.
Do you want a beer or something?
No, nope.
Don't drink on the job.
Wow, okay.
And hey, bloody traffic is hell out there.
Idiot Asian drivers.
Oh, oh, my God.
So, what brings you here?
Um, business, actually. Um, I've got a bit of a problem with that last delivery
of yours.
What kind of problem?
Oh, it's no big deal. It's just, um, those carts, the Fujima Royale series.
Um, unfortunately, somewhere between Mr. Hong's warehouse and my store, um, a
few of the pack have kind of...
Gone, like, missing.
Is that so?
Yeah.
Between the warehouse and the store?
Yep. I mean, from when I pick it up to when I deliver them.
Oh, no, no, no, hang on. I wasn't saying that.
Not saying what?
That I'm a fucking thief?
No, hang on. I'm just looking for an explanation here. An explanation you're
looking for is that me and my boys are fucking thieves? I never even mentioned
them. How dare you of all people come into my business and accuse me of being
thief? How about bullying?
I come from good people, honest people, made strong by our troubles. And you,
what are you?
Scum. criminals. Your father is in jail. And your mother is reduced to selling
dirty knickers to fat old ladies.
Hang on, you were wife fourth time, didn't you?
Are you calling my wife fat?
Oh, for fuck's sake, Dad, he didn't mean it like that. You watch your filthy
mouth. No, no, no, I really wasn't calling Mrs. D fat.
We have not stolen anything from you or the tight -ass chink you work for.
Now get out!
Before I cut your balls off. Hey, hey, Jesus, keep your hair on. Go on.
Papa!
What did he say?
Nothing. I said a dog fucked your mother.
Mate, that was not a very nice thing to say.
Daisy!
Okay, now, to be fair, we don't know for certain it was the deed. Dirty dumb
mates and thieving scum! They pay for this!
We cancel their contract now!
Calm down, Dad. You know what? We've got some proof.
We do not need proof!
They are fired!
I knew it was a stupid idea putting you in charge of a store.
What, someone else starts ripping us off and you start blaming me? Well, I think
you can manage it more advanced.
Well, it's only my first bloody day. I don't care. Sort it out.
Who made you bother with everything?
He did.
Oh.
Okay, then I will sort it out.
You want to know how? Dazzle me.
Okay. Right.
Someone's stealing the cards, right? And then they're selling them. So that
means someone's buying the cards.
That is a brilliant summary of the black market economy.
And it is also how we trace the cards back to who stole them.
That's fine. Do whatever you have to do, okay, to keep your job.
What do you mean, keep my job?
I'm sure you can figure that out while you're busy searching for my father's
stolen property.
All right.
For goodness sake, do it quickly and quietly.
God, is there anything more boring than a room full of lawyers?
A room full of accountants?
I'm going home.
I'm not boring, am I?
Go on, Angela.
You are scintillating. Oh, I reckon.
Simon.
Tracy Hogg.
Well, well.
If it isn't the other Mr. West.
Good to see you again.
What brings you here?
Meeting a friend.
You? A drink with my esteemed colleague.
Weren't you leaving?
Thank you, Savannah.
Can I get you a drink?
No, but an apology might be nice.
Apology for what?
I think no.
Look, if I make you feel any better, people get us mixed up all the time.
Strangely, no.
No, that doesn't make me feel any better. Okay, but you have to admit, you
end up with a more desirable brother. I didn't end up with anyone, Jethro.
Oh, look.
He's my friend.
Light it, Bluff, then.
Hello, Hugh.
Come here.
What? You remember me?
You're after those cards.
The Fujimaru rollback? Yeah.
So? So, I need some information.
What kind of information?
Have you seen anyone around selling them cheap?
Oh, yeah.
Maybe. That depends.
Depends on what?
What's it worth?
Really? If I tell you, what's it worth?
Hang on.
There's some lollies in here.
What kind of lollies?
Pineapple lumps.
Oh, I don't like pineapple. I've got anything else.
Oh, Jesus.
I think I've got a peanut happening somewhere.
Oh, I'm allergic to peanuts.
Yeah, fuck.
Here, 20 bucks. Buy your own damn lollies.
Okay.
The thing is... Nah.
Nah what?
Nah, no one.
Laters.
I know Tracy from Varsity.
One of my flatmates was shagging her for a while.
You're a real screamer, as I recall.
Right. Why do you ask, Jethro?
What, are you lucky to have an Asian takeout now and then?
No, Hugh.
Just met her a couple of times, that's all.
Just wondering what she's doing with a moral degenerate like yourself.
Is she a fag hag?
We're just friends.
That's all.
Yeah, yeah, good old Mr. Hong is going to be throwing some business our way. Is
that right?
Yeah, Tracy's finding a new law firm.
In fact, here she is.
So you earn the brown dollars and I'll look after the yellow peril, eh?
Tracy! Hello, Hugh.
Right, the myth that you've been expecting, huh?
Um, you're drooling.
What?
Yeah, you're drooling.
Have you got work to do?
Mrs. D, come in.
Oh, no, I won't, thank you.
I just come to tell you I won't be able to host your next hoochie mama party.
Oh, that's a shame.
You seemed to really enjoy yourself the other night. Yes, okay.
That was before your son accused my family of stealing.
No. Yes, Van.
He come to us. He tell my husband he steal these cards.
I'm sorry, you've lost me. What cards?
I don't know. Some stupid bloody kids game.
But, you know, my husband, he's very angry.
You know?
This brings shame on the family.
Yeah, but Van would never say anything like that. You know, not unless... Oh,
okay.
Okay.
You know what?
Stick your filthy undies up your bottom.
How was the meeting?
Very productive.
I'm pleased.
Your name came up once or twice.
Really? As a shining example of your firm's dedication to cross -cultural
relations. Tell me, how long is it you've been Māori?
Half Māori. On which side?
The Māori side.
Ben never mentioned this. No. He's still denying that side of himself.
He certainly is.
Sorry, by the way.
Excuse me?
You wanted an apology for what happened between us?
There it was.
Was it?
Yeah. Sorry.
There it goes again. Action replay.
Right. Yeah.
Sorry.
And it will never happen again.
Unless you wanted to.
No.
You sure?
I think you remember it was pretty good last night. No, it's an apology.
Not that it was even an apology to say no to me.
Yes, it was.
No, it wasn't. It was someone opening me mouth and saying, sorry, by the way.
Not an apology.
Oh, Tracy.
And what did you have a go at Mad Dog Dozlik for? You know what those tallies
are like. I didn't have a go at him. You called his wife. I did. I didn't.
Okay, well, I may have, but it was a mistake.
Hey, you remember Tiny Evans?
Yes, I remember Tiny Evans. One insult, one insignificant insult. Next thing you
know, you've got the armed offender squad on my doorstep. You've got dogs,
you've got guests, you've got guns at work.
That's great, Eric, but what I really want to know is who's nicking these cars
and selling them.
What's so special about these Fergie or whatchamacallits anyway?
Latest craze. Can't get in the country fast enough.
Don't even think about it.
You see anything, you come to me.
Why should I? Thanks to your fainted mother, I'm struggling to indict. I've
to take whatever comes my way. I mean, the picky Tuesdays are over, my son.
Eric, I'm running my own business now, and no one is going to rip me off,
Oh, well, that's a great consolation. Yeah, thanks very fucking much.
God, you know how sensitive Mrs. D is about her weight. It didn't call Mrs. D
fat. Now I've got to find somewhere else to host that party.
I'm sorry, okay?
No, not okay. I'm pissed off.
Well, it wasn't my fault.
Lobber on Dothlitch. Bath hit me in the street today.
You what?
Did it hit you?
No, this lady behind me. It got her kid making a face.
It was pretty funny, actually, because then he started raving on about how the
West are all white trash scum and we deserve to die. He didn't. Jessica was
saying that her dad and her brother are like taking revenge, old country style.
What, against Van?
Against all of us, because of Van.
What kind of old...
Country style.
I don't know, but it doesn't sound good.
If they lay one finger on this family... Remember Tiny Evans?
Snatched his finger off.
Said it was the last time he'd be pointing it at them.
I'm
here.
What do you want? Make it fast, because I've got a lot of shit to deal with
right now.
Okay.
Okay. Look, firstly, I just want to say how upset I am about this
misunderstanding we seem to be having.
I'm not the kind of person that likes to get on the wrong side of anyone.
Quite frankly, I'm losing sleep over it.
Really? Yeah, really.
I'm a good person, Tracy.
Okay, maybe I make some bad judgment calls, but I really don't want you to
badly of me.
Well, I'm pleased to hear that, Geoffrey.
So?
I hereby unreservedly apologise.
Does that make you feel better?
What? Well, that makes one of us.
I still think you're a prick.
Come on, what's it going to take here?
That wasn't an apology.
That was all about you.
I'm a good person, blah, blah.
Get over yourself.
Stop wasting my time.
Why do you people always make the stupid assumption that just because we're
Chinese we're associated with the triads? So they're not? No, they're
associates.
Tracy, I'm sorting it, okay?
No, you're not. All our stores have been hit.
What do you mean, hit?
You know, the cards.
They've all had cards stolen.
For a second, I thought you meant like armed robbery.
Give it time.
Oh, and Dad wants you to stay here tonight.
Why? To guard the building in case the insane delis attack. What?
Well, that's the word on the street.
Yeah, but why does it have to be me?
Because, Ben, you started it.
This
is
really cool, eh?
The secret meeting set.
It's really hot and dangerous.
It will be if your old man finds out.
I know. He told me if he caught me anywhere near you, he'd just give you
and barbecue them. Oh, for fuck's sake.
He doesn't know I called, right? No way.
Good. I love that you did, though.
You and me, Drescott, we've got to sort this out. I know.
Everyone else has gone mental. I know. It's like we're in a movie like Romeo
Juliet. Not that Leonardo is anywhere near as cute as you are. Mr. Hong, he's
got all these freaky Asian dudes hanging around the warehouse and stuff. My
dad's been spending heaps of time in the shed with his mates.
And now my uncle Ivan has come over from Melbourne.
What?
Oh, shit!
Fuck! I feel
really sorry for you, you
know?
Is there anything that I can do to help?
No, no.
Bad idea.
I shouldn't have told you about the kebab thing.
This is serious, Drasker.
Holmes got me guarding the fucking warehouse because he's fucking scared
lot's going to turn up tonight.
I probably shouldn't have told you that, right?
I would never betray you, Van.
Maybe that's what my dad and his mates have been talking about.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you poor thing.
It's like we're caught in the middle of a war that has nothing to do with us.
Don't worry.
I'm here for you.
She's right.
Fuck off, she is not.
You are incapable of apologising. I am not. You are and you always have been.
shit, I say sorry all the time. Yeah, but you never mean it.
Yes, I do.
Would you like a demonstration of how you apologise?
Go on then.
What's the sound of one hand clapping?
What? Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I just have no idea what came over me. I'm
really, really, really sorry.
Yeah, yeah, very funny.
See, you think you apologize, but you don't.
So who was it?
What? The one you can't apologize to? No, doesn't matter.
Is it her?
Casablanca tonight?
I thought we were getting DVDs for the weekend.
Yeah, we can lie in bed and watch Casablanca tonight, though.
Oh, no, sorry.
Did I not mention I've got a client dinner?
No.
Sorry.
I tell you, we can take Doslich and his greased little family to the cleaners
and they won't know what hit them. Good, because I want them out of my life like
nothing. Doslich? Yeah?
Are we talking Stefan Doslich? I'm taking legal advice from Hugh, not you.
Yeah, I know, but I grew up around these people. I know them.
Surprise, surprise.
You two don't like each other, do you? Look, if Hugh's advising you to sue the
Ds, he's a bigger idiot than I thought. Hey. Because no matter what you do, the
Ds are going one step further.
It's their way. Right, but the whole Eastern European coat of honour bullshit
plea. Look, legal action, like I give a shit.
This family will go on fighting beyond the point of sanity and beyond your
capacity to keep paying our absorbent fees.
Oh, now, that's it. I'm talking to Stearson about you.
So it's all about honour.
It's about honour and saving face.
Ultimately, finding someone else to blame.
Now about us.
What us?
Look, you have to understand why I did it.
I know why you didn't. Quick fuck.
No strings attached. Every man's dream. Me and Van. It's the way it's always
been. Oh, please.
Tracy, I'm just saying he's helped me out of a few tight spots here and there.
Breakups, trouble at school, that sort of thing.
And you do the same for him.
That's very sweet.
Well, it sometimes has its benefits.
So you understand?
Yeah. I think I do.
Cool. But you're still an ass to throw.
And you still have an apology.
Motherfucker! Man, you scared the shit out of me!
I thought you were one of them ninja guys.
The nunchucks.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
What the fuck are you doing here?
Nothing. Nothing?
Bullshit! You're the guy, man, stealing the cards!
Maybe. Maybe?
You got a fucking bag of them, man.
Okay.
So? So, dude, how long have you been doing it?
Two weeks.
Look, I've got a maiden find that he's been flicking them. How did you get in
here? Oh, he's accused of giving me.
Mr. Hall is always pissed at me because I keep losing them.
So, I figured if I know you've got spares, then... All right.
So, you just decided to start stealing off your mate. Fucking choice, bro. Oh,
not from you.
Look, man, Mr. Hong's loaded.
He can spare a couple of Gs. How did you get past the alarm?
I don't know.
JDs. How much?
Case. But we'll only take a bottle.
Six. Oh.
Dude, you're pissing on my fucking leg.
Sorry, bro.
Sorry. You're still doing it.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God. I made about 600 bucks.
I reckon if you're here every night... Do you realize what you've done, you
fuck?
Not all of us are on Mr. Ka -ching's payroll, okay?
And don't call me a dumb fuck, okay? Because you, you're the dumb fuck. Fuck
you, you dumb fuck.
Got to make a living, eh?
You see me? Okay.
The last thing I need on my patch is a bloody race war.
Okay?
Okay? He was an older guy, you know? Mm -hmm.
And... Docky.
And... Were you, like, Maori, Caucasian?
White. White? Yep.
But he had, like, his hair was really dark grey.
Grey. Yep. And, oh, he had huge big arms, man. Like, with sailors' tats on
like love hearts and all that kind of stuff.
And he had a moustache.
And he was foreign.
Foreign? Yep.
Yeah, he had an accent and everything. What kind of accent?
Oh, Australian.
Australian? Yep, Australian.
Definitely Australian.
What are you doing?
Don't worry about it. Come on, we'll pay for this.
I'm telling
you, I totally made that description up, man.
I've never seen your Uncle Ivan before in my fucking life. Why couldn't you say
he's Tongan or something, like you were an alpha? I don't know, I got on a roll
or something.
Look, Van, it's okay.
Look, Uncle Ivan's been really cool about it all in all.
I guess you have to be when you're a priest.
Uncle Ivan's a priest?
Yeah, that's why Mum called him over. Because he's the only one who can talk
sense into my dad.
Oh, my God.
Anyway, now that he's been arrested, Dad's got the whole deli community
worked up. Great.
Oh, look, don't beat yourself up, Van. It's not your fault. It is my fault,
Drasker. I practically told Munter how to break into the place.
Munter's been stealing the car.
Oh shit, I definitely shouldn't have told you that. Look, what happens
you and me, stays between you and me, okay?
Okay?
Okay.
He's my best mate.
You know?
He's my best mate. I can't dump him in.
It's gonna be okay.
I'm gonna do whatever it takes to...
Make this right, you know?
Even if it means putting my own head on the block. No, man, you don't have to do
that. It's exactly what I have to do.
Where is everyone?
New strategy.
On the advice of your evil twin, actually.
Jethro? What, you have another twin?
When did he come into this?
Round about the time he shagged me.
Pretending to be you. Stop screwing me around, Tracy, and tell me what's going
on. Well, Brother Jethro pointed out that legal action was never going to
with these people.
And they have their own forms of justice.
Yeah, yeah. And?
So, Dad and the boys have gone to see Mr. Dothlick.
What? No cop.
No lawyer.
We're settling this outside the law the old way.
Better than you.
Better than you.
But you look better than them.
You know, that's what I'm saying.
I have what I have, and I'm giving you everything.
No, you shouldn't say that, because you are a
very good man.
Well, my boy.
Come and join us. Have a drink.
Yes, yes. Sit, sit. Drink.
Okay. Yes, it is.
Okay.
The differences have been sorted.
Okay.
But there is one thing you must do. To make everything right.
You know, my brother, Ivan.
Oh, you know, I'm really, really sorry about that, man. He loves to be in
prison.
Some more sinners for him to preach.
But if I'm to get him back to Melbourne and the hell out of my life, you must
clear his name.
Perhaps your police got the wrong man.
That you remember now who really did it.
Yeah. Now, we really, really need to clear this one up.
Was it Alan there?
Tonga. You were confused by the bang on your head. Tell him that.
Yeah, but that's not who really took... We know.
You do?
We have taken care of the real thing.
You have?
Kraska found out who it was.
I'm sorry, Alan, but sometimes old ways are better than new ways.
So, what exactly did you do?
Yep.
His name's Munter.
His real name's Jared.
We always just call him Munter. Mason.
That's Jared Mason.
Are you sure?
Hang on!
No, sorry.
I heard he got dropped off at the front door by a bunch of Asian and Delhi guys.
No, sorry.
Yeah, that's him. All smashed up, yeah.
When did he check himself out?
And you're sure his name wasn't Munter? You want to tell me what the fuck
happened?
Never mind.
One minute I'm sitting in the shop, minding my own business, next thing I
I'm getting that shit kicked out of me by half the West Auckland United
Get it? Yeah, well, I sold some of those Fuji -Wuji -Waja -Waja... Oh, you
fuckwit! Well, Munter brought them in, bloody good price, and you're right.
they flew out of the shop once word got around.
So, hang on, why didn't they beat up Munter? Well, how the fuck would I know?
Yeah, I'll get you a drink.
I've worked it out.
Have you?
My inability to apologise.
The thing is, I'm not sorry at all.
Not in the slightest.
In fact, you wouldn't believe how not sorry I am that I slept with you.
And why would I be?
When it was the best fuck I've ever had, I'd have to be crazy to apologize for
something like that.
So that's it then?
For your apology?
Yep.
What are you having?
I'm having what you're having.
You're really good people.
You're good people.
Good girl.
Okay. Now, look. These ones are crotulé and these are fritulé. Fritulé.
What's a fritulé?
Deep -fried dough ball.
Yummy. Yeah, they're good.
Okay, let's drink again to our great family.
Okay.
Hey! Very good.
Darling.
Mm -hmm?
You're not all dandy, you know.
Hi, Van.
Hey.
How did you get in here?
I climbed through your window.
Oh, okay.
Hey, Van, you know at the end of Romeo and Juliet, when Romeo thinks that
Juliet's killed herself, but she hasn't really, but then he goes and kills
himself. Jessica, I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know what you're
about. It doesn't all have to end tragically, you know.
That's why I pointed the finger at Eric.
Look, I didn't want you to cop it, and I know Munt is your mate, so I thought
it'd be a good idea.
Except for Eric.
I told them not to break anything.
Plus, no one really likes him that much, do they?
True.
And he did sell those cards after I told him not to. So call it karma, then.
And it's over.
And you're safe.
Which is the main thing.
Thank you.
What for?
I don't know, like, believing in me or something.
I always believe in you, Ben.
God, when you smile.
Let's get down.
Let's hang out together.
Let's get down.
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