Original subtitles

I just knew.

Knew what exactly?

Your customer, Margaret, was my old mate, Mark.

Your firm's back in business, man.

What do you want?

They'd better go to school again.

Whatever happens, just go with the flow.

Don't you know it's rude to take a phone call when a lady is doing this to you?

But you hate bowls.

No, I don't. You told me that any sport that doesn't have a horse you can bet on

is fucking pointless.

I can change my mind.

I'm in with the bigwigs now.

Margaret's on the committee.

Good as I bought one.

You've still got that old thing?

Of course.

My bag of tricks, this. Hey, Scout!

What?

You put these away, please.

Margaret's here.

Hi, Margaret.

OK, we're off for a roll -up.

Ooh, don't remember.

Not that kind of roll -up, idiot.

Bowls. We told them.

What? Our thing.

Oh, yeah.

Margaret and I are moving in together.

We're going to buy a little unit.

Right, let's go.

Tell them where.

Terrible. Bloody hell.

I'm thrilled for you.

Thank you.

It means a lot to us knowing you're happy that we're happy.

How can you afford us?

I've got a barber too stashed away.

Margaret's got some money from her old job.

Yeah, exactly.

Really, you don't want to let details stand in the way of happiness, do you?

Could I?

Come on.

Van, can you get a haircut?

And you need to get a new tie and borrow one of your brother's suits.

What for?

Jethro's being barred.

Jethro being admitted to the bar, Pascal.

Oh, and it's all looking fabulous, all right? Do we still have to go to that?

Yeah, because you are proud of your brother's achievements.

All right.

Take one.

The only reason you're thrilled about Grandpa leaving is because you won't

to look after him anymore.

So? So it's just wrong.

Look, he's happy, she's happy. I'm happy with the wrong and that.

You know she's a man, don't you? Who is?

Margaret.

She is a he.

Mum.

Margaret is Mark.

As in Mount Eden.

She had a cell with Grandpa like a million years ago.

Mark.

Snip snip.

Margaret. Get the fuck out. Grandpa is shacked up with a tranny.

Oh well.

Oh well.

Yeah, that's fun.

He, she, makes him happy. And he, she, obviously does. Well, you know. He's my

grandfather and all you can think about is he'll be out of the house so someone

else will babysit him. Well, Loretta, I have never thought of looking after your

grandfather as babysitting.

Liar. Look, Margaret is a very nice...

Woman who used to be a very nice man. Who the fuck are we to judge?

Margaret slash Mark is also on the run from the cops.

He escaped from prison 20 years ago.

Shit.

Oh well.

What? Look, if you think about it logically, even if the cops are still

him 20 years on, they're hardly likely to be looking for a middle -aged woman,

are they?

I mean, really?

See, after the ceremony, all the lawyers go into another room, we strip off, oil

up, and that's when we do the naked wrestling.

Oh, damn, I was getting up on the idea of stinking.

No, that's when they make me a judge. Oh, of course.

Just a real good... Beast you.

I wish I could be there.

Yeah, I wish you could too.

Damn, your sister and her shitty blackmail.

All I want is for us to be a normal, out couple.

You'd have to dispose of Loretta.

There's a thought. Yeah.

I've got a few ideas.

Loretta? Well?

Tummy bug all over and done with, I trust? Oh, yeah, thanks.

And your mum, how's she doing?

After her full hysterectomy, I mean. Yeah, I was quite invasive, but yeah.

good, good, Loretta.

You know I'm worried about you, don't you?

Yeah, and I'm really pleased to hear you're with me.

You've got a lot of work to make up in your level one credits.

Including your speech.

My speech?

Oral presentation of intergenerational familial relationships.

Six credits?

Oh, the who I love most in my family speech.

This weekend.

Yep. All over that.

Call him off.

I beg your pardon?

Get Smale off my case.

Loretta, I can't tell a teacher not to teach. Caroline, you're deputy

You can tell a teacher whatever you like.

No, I can't.

Jesus, Loretta, I'm lying enough for you as it is. No, you're not.

If you were lying enough for me, I wouldn't have Smale at my arse.

I still have the photos, Caroline.

And Jethro looks so fetching in his school uniform.

And that face you're making.

On the desk.

Underneath him.

Sweet little girl, I've been thinking.

I bet you know what I've got.

You and me, we were going fishing

on a sea full

of love.

It's a big weekend.

We're visiting players, hangers -on opening and closing do.

Bar take will be around 12, 14 grand.

Lovely job, Nick.

Now, after the speeches and prize giving... They'll party up large until

gets pissed off and wants to go home.

What time's that?

Oh, he hadn't through the door by seven.

And he pours himself a scotch. Good on him.

And then starts the cash -up.

By eight, the whole place will be tucked up for the night.

We'll go in after that.

And Bob's your uncle.

You're bad.

I don't want you to go.

You can come and visit me.

It won't be the same.

Grandpa, have you really, really thought about this?

About leaving us all?

I'm not bullshitting.

Yeah, your mum seems real cut up about the idea.

Well, forget about her. What about me?

You're the only one in this fucked up family that actually understands me. I'm

going to miss you too, love.

But you know what? There is a life out there and I've got a few years left in

me. Life?

In Tauranga?

People got to die there.

Nice try.

But I love Margaret.

I want to be with her.

Well, how do you know it'll last?

Of course it'll last. She's run out on you once before.

Mark ran out on the authorities, not me.

What about grandma? What about it?

The one true love of your life, your words.

Rita wouldn't begrudge me a bit of happiness.

I see.

So this is just you thinking about you and to hell with the memory of the woman

you lived with for 40 years.

My grandmother.

The woman who you swore on her deathbed would be the only love of your life.

Don't you dare.

Don't you dare try this Rita shit on me to get what you want.

Okay.

Fine. I mean, now you've hooked up with Margaret, obviously, Grandma's memory

means sweet fuck all, but... You know what?

Do what you want.

Just leave us her photo when you go, eh?

What?

Just do what the nice teacher asked.

Pull your head in, turn up and do the work.

Shit, it's not like school's any big challenge.

Exactly. It's a massive waste of my time.

So? I come to you and tell you that Smale put his hand up my skirt.

What? You back me up, we take you to the Board of Trustees, bof, Smale gets the

boot, problem disappears.

I can't do that. Graeme Smale is one of our best teachers.

Shame he's into young girls and inappropriate touching. Bloody hell,

Even for you, that's low. Like you two can hog the moral high ground on the

subject. Look, either Smale goes and I get on with my life, or the Ministry of

Education gets the photos.

It's stunningly straightforward, really.

The Law Society that are again.

Hmm.

Are you going to send it this time?

In fairness, the West haven't done anything the last few months.

You being the expert on the West family?

It's all about history, Glenn.

It's all about not changing the spots.

And all I need is an excuse.

Hold the model.

Someone doesn't have a better wear and tear.

I almost feel guilty.

A nicer bowling crown kind of down home and trusting.

If only they knew.

What do you think Rita would make of all of this?

The job.

Oh, she'd be tickled to think about the job.

I made her a promise when she was dying.

I swore there'd never be another woman.

You can squeak out of that one on a technicality. Yeah, I know.

What's brought all this on?

Loretta came in.

She's a bit upset about us leaving.

How is she?

She adored Rita.

Yes, I can see how she would.

I'll try and talk some sense into her.

If that doesn't work, I'll beat it into her.

Fuck her.

I can't actually take it anymore. You know, she can splatter her pictures from

here to... I don't care.

Don't call her bluff.

She will use the photos.

It'll be career suicide. They'll tear you apart.

And that is somehow worse than living on my fucking knees and throw to a 15

-year -old?

And why?

All because no one's ever had the gut to say no to Loretta.

The only thing that doesn't make me feel good about sticking to the little bitch

is you. Don't worry about me.

Jethro, if she asks us, you know... Look, I bet I'm not the only baby lawyer

town that had sex with a teacher.

Sure, I had sex with a girl teacher, but the laws of authority can't reject me

on the grounds of good taste, can they?

Jesus, Jethro, don't go getting all hillbilly on me.

Caroline and I have come to a decision.

Excellent.

The blackmail stops.

As of now.

Jethro, don't be a dick.

Do what you want with the photos.

I'm not trying to go away. Enough, Loretta.

Use the photographs or don't use the photographs.

Whatever. The point is, either have the balls to do it... Or shut the fuck up.

You have thought about the consequences here. Like, if I use those photos...

Have you?

Meaning?

You want Mum to find out you've been blackmailing the Deputy Principal?

Not to mention the serial truancy?

And your little part -time job at the video store?

Hmm.

Jeez, I'd hate for Mum to find out about the whole mouldy side of our family she

never knew she had.

Or your bosses that probably wouldn't go down too well either, would it?

And you getting fired?

Put a bit of a dent in the hole. My son's a lawyer and the sun shines out of

arse, thinks she's got going. Yep.

If you wanted to break her heart, that'd be the perfect way to go about it.

You okay?

What a fucking stupid question that is. All right, sure.

Why can't I just live the way I say?

Well, actually, most of the time you do. Me getting what I want, is that too

much to ask?

Who was the lady?

My bloody brother and stupid girlfriend.

Oh, is this the blackmail thing?

It was not blackmail.

It was two people getting what they want out of a tricky situation.

What?

What? You know, like it's a way of getting things.

I can kind of understand how the whole photo thing might be seen as blackmail

some people, which might kind of bum them.

I don't have the photos.

Eh?

When Jethro kept breaking into my room trying to find them, I hid them at

Grandpa's place.

They went up in flames when his unit burnt down.

Far out.

And now I have to... to go to school.

I have no reason to live.

Loretta?

Speech night. Do invite the whole family along.

The more the merrier.

You haven't met my family.

Quite the little stir, aren't we?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You got your grandfather in a real state the other day, over the late Rita.

Is that so?

Oh, look at you, Loretta. And you really are the living image of her.

Thank you.

The evil bitch.

How fucking dare you? Get your snout out of business that doesn't concern you.

What do you want from him? I mean, God, he's ancient. Why bother?

Don't underestimate your grandfather. He still has his dreams and ambitions.

Repeat a word of this conversation and I'll deny that it ever took place.

And then I'll come and rip your fucking tongue out.

We're out of here?

Uh, she's in her room.

Hey, is there going to be a free pizza at the thingy house?

Definitely. Yeah. And a stripper. Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

School project?

Something like that.

Caroline thought you might pay her a visit today.

I was in class being bought off my nut.

What more does she want?

Nice if you told her what you're going to do.

Well, I'm not a very nice person, apparently.

I'm not going to use the photos.

Why?

Can't do it to Mum.

Well, that's nice.

See, I can be nice.

Yeah, it's also total bullshit.

Give me the photos.

I told you I'm not going to use them. Yep, and now I want them.

You don't trust me? Let me count the ways.

You don't have them, do you? Of course I've got them.

What happened to the photos, Loretta?

I'll never tell you.

You don't have them, do you?

Study hard.

It's the way forward for our people.

Piss off!

Hey, Loretta.

Oh, God, thank you, thank you, thank you. Hey, I'm just the messenger.

No more secrets?

No, I guess not. Oh, my God.

I can finally look your mother in the eye.

Oh, my God, you can actually meet my mother.

And we could even have lunch.

I'd be like, Mom, this is Jethro, my partner.

Of course, we're going to need a cover story.

Yeah, you know, why we've kept it so quiet for so long.

Discretion's good.

I mean, you don't want everyone finding out that you're going out with someone

you used to teach, eh?

Until, however, I happened to meet you again all those years later in a bar.

Yeah, I suppose you could say that. Yeah, yeah, and at first I was a little

apprehensive with the whole, you know, age difference thing, but, you know, me

being older and more experienced and everything.

My God, we can actually be a real couple and do real couple things.

Yeah.

In that case, Miss Darling, will you do me the honour of attending my

admittance to the bar?

Are you letting

me win?

Shit, I was going to ask you the same question.

How's the bowls tournament going?

I think we lost.

You think?

I don't know.

Stupid bloody sport.

So why do you play?

I like the company.

I give up.

I have to go and finish my speech anyway.

It's about you.

What the fuck do you want to talk about me for?

Just do.

Are you going to talk about me in your speech?

You'll find out.

But I don't actually want to go.

We're all going.

You don't have to, really.

Are you kidding?

With two of my kids being fabulous in the same week?

There's no way I'm going back to stupid school.

Great, works for me.

Good.

You hate bowls.

If you prefer, I can take my clothes off and dance naked around the house.

Have you remembered my speech then, Grandpa?

Sure, love.

When was that again?

Tonight, Grandpa.

Right.

What time is that again?

7 .30.

He'll be there.

He'll be home and tucked up in bed by 10.

Looking forward to it.

Cool.

Hey, Shira. Hey, what can I do for you?

Nothing, actually.

But head, on the other hand. Come in.

What do you want?

Your old cellmate, Mark.

You seen him lately?

Yeah, I have, actually.

Just appeared over this hedge with a bunch of guys in blue uniform right

him. Not 20 years ago, recently.

That is recently, as far as I'm concerned.

What about her?

Who's she?

You don't recognise her?

Not surprised, really.

Fake name, bunch of fake addresses.

Not even a real person, as far as I can tell.

But if you do see her, you'll let me know, eh?

I don't get out much these days.

I hear Jethro's admission to the bar's coming up soon.

Sunday, actually.

Really?

Damn. Running out of time to post that letter.

Why? All you have to do is invent a reason.

You know, it struck me as odd that you can oppose someone becoming a lawyer on

the grounds that they're not of good character.

But you ever met a lawyer that wasn't a ratbag? Tell you what, why don't we have

a drink after the ceremony and you can entertain me some more with that theory.

Is that a date show? As close as you'll ever get, Wayne.

I'll keep thinking about that.

Kids, I want to prove it with his grandpa.

Go.

This is going to be a problem, Ted.

My problem.

Not yours. If it fucks up Jethro's career, it's my problem.

It won't.

Then we'll be in Tarong and problem all gone.

I wish she doesn't come round to the house anymore, all right?

They'll be hanging round your house now. I'm not stupid, of course. I'm not

going home at the moment.

Look, we can't go ahead with it. No, we're not calling the job off. They're

looking for you. And they won't find me.

We'll do the job, get the money, and then we'll disappear together.

We'll be okay.

But we will have to bring the job forward.

Why?

The committee have got their tits in a tangle about having all that money on

premises until Monday morning.

I think someone's going to steal it.

We'll get in as soon as Dermot locks up.

Somewhere else you need to be?

No.

God, there's too many memories in this room.

Didn't you spend most of school down the back of the gym?

Mrs. West?

Yep. Graham Smale. Hi. I read his social studies teacher.

Hi. I'd love to talk to you after the speeches.

Sure.

Hi. Hi.

Cheryl, that's now.

Miss Darling.

Oh, Caroline.

Mum, did I mention how Caroline and I have recently started seeing each other?

Oh, didn't you used to teach him?

Um, yeah, a long time ago when I was a junior teacher.

Where's Grandpa?

Don't know.

He'll be here, love. Don't worry.

Why didn't he come with you guys?

He never came home from bowls.

Wow. Looking you.

Thank you for coming tonight, everyone.

Our first speaker for this evening is James Anderson.

Fine. As you know, the subject of tonight is family.

Or a member of our family who is truly inspired.

For my family, that inspiration comes also from our faith. I need to go and

laugh at you.

I can't change the order just for you, Loretta.

He'll be here. He's obviously just running late.

Even so.

He's my quarrel.

Right, well now it will not at all.

Families, huh?

You know what they say?

You can choose your friends, et cetera, et cetera.

True, true.

But my family's okay.

Averagely dysfunctional.

We don't have a serial killer or an axe murderer in the clan.

We do have a lawyer, or in a minute he'll be a lawyer.

That keeps me awake at night.

Imagine, though, a family member who, from the time you're three, you know is

the one to watch.

The one who's going to teach you the valuable lessons in life, like how to

figure the odds on a cornella, how to inflict pain on your brothers and win

their money at poker.

This man is my paternal grandfather, Theodore Francis West, also

known as Ted, and also known in his prime as the finest safecracker of his

generation.

This was a practical career choice.

He married young, he had family to feed, and so he did it all in his own

inimitable fashion.

Kind of a romantic picture, maybe.

The lone wolf, the maverick, dorking the streets at night.

But there was more to it than just breaking and entering.

Ted West was meticulous.

perfectionist.

He was an artist.

He planned every job down to the tiniest detail.

And he was weirdly superstitious.

Like, he'd always lay out all his tools in a certain order.

And us kids were never allowed to touch the bag. He kept them in this funny old

leather one.

And he had amazing hands.

Really, really supple.

He used to joke about insuring his fingers because they were the tools of

trade.

Grandpa was never into the big flashy jobs, although on one occasion he did do

over a bank on a matter of principle.

Thieving's a marmy pack of mongrels.

His words, not mine.

No, Grandpa's turf was TABs, the odd racetrack, and

sports clubs.

He only ever worked alone or with people he trusted.

No one ever got hurt. His philosophy was keep it small, keep it quiet,

and do your research.

He's retired now, hung up his hat, so to speak.

Grandpa lives with us now.

He sometimes goes a bit strange and sometimes loses the plot, but I

reckon he's still sharp as a tack.

And he is, quite literally, my very oldest and best friend.

Give me your car keys.

What? Just give them to me.

No, you haven't given your last name.

You're a fucking maniac.

I've been reading up on gender reassignment.

You what?

Sex change operations.

She puts in Thailand.

You know, Glenn, you really are a sad bugger. No, no, it's really interesting.

See, it all depends on the size of your dick.

They use it to make a vagina, so if you have a small one... We met at a

bar. One thing led to another.

Yeah.

Well, she thinks I'm very nice.

Yeah.

Your teacher.

Caroline, can I borrow your cell phone? My cat's been stolen.

No way. Where'd you park it?

Right outside.

Didn't they just call and stole the blue message?

No. There was a blue man there.

Where?

Well, it's gone now.

Ah, no, don't worry about it. We've got bigger fish to fry.

Just like the old days. The best of the old days.

Are you sure you want to go home?

I need to walk off the bus.

And pack.

I'll pick you up tomorrow.

Lovely.

And then we'll go.

What was it again?

He's still got dreams and ambitions.

He's old.

Half the time he doesn't know what he's doing and you've got him knocking over

safes to fund your fucking retirement at the Mount.

Okay.

Here's what's going to happen now.

You're going to take your cash and you're going to go a very, very long way

away. Yes, I am.

With him.

Grandpa's a bit old for that Bonnie and Clyde shit.

Having the cops after you?

Not so romantic at his age.

Figured it was you.

You know it'll kill Ted when he finds out that his favourite granddaughter's a

narc. No, it won't.

Because you are never going to tell him.

You're leaving town tonight alone.

Can't do that.

I love him.

Do you love him enough to go back inside,

Mark?

Little bitch.

Because you'll definitely go down for this.

Or you can just disappear.

You can take your money, get on with your so -called life, and no one gets

It's your choice.

I got bored, so I walked home. Oh, Loretta, you know what kind of scum is

there on the street.

I'm so sorry your grandpa wasn't there to see your speech.

Yeah. I was so proud we all were.

He would have been chuffed.

Did you see him when you got home?

Yeah, yeah, he was already in bed. That's good.

You, go home.

We've got a big day tomorrow.

Night, Mum.

Night.

So you're in a car thief now. I had my reasons. Christ, Loretta, if the cops

picked you up driving a teacher's car... The car's packed at the mall.

Oh, good.

That's fantastic.

You don't think... You don't think consequences.

You know what Mum's like about tomorrow, and you go and put a slant like this.

You could have been arrested and charged and stuff the fuck and everything.

I had my reasons, OK?

And you wouldn't understand.

And finally, in West Auckland, a lawn bowls tournament has ended badly for the

organisers with the theft of thousands of dollars of bar takings.

In an overnight break -in described by police as a thoroughly professional job,

the club's safe was opened and... Grandpa definitely came home last night.

Yeah. And slept in his bed in this house.

Mum, Grandpa wouldn't be capable.

Is that the phone for me?

The phone didn't go, Grandpa.

I'll make you some toast in a minute, Ted.

Well, it's definitely not OK.

No. Not to put too fine a point on it.

I really don't want him going loopy on us, not today.

Well, I can stay here and look after him. Do you think I won't mind?

It would be such a shame of you, Mr Hunt.

Yeah, but do you really want him there?

You may be seated.

Do you swear by Almighty God that you will truly and honestly conduct yourself

in the practice of a barrister and solicitor to the best of your knowledge

ability?

Will you please acknowledge the taking of the oath by saying, I do, after I

your name?

Jethro Theodore West.

I do.

Oh, he's always been different to the rest of us, yes, right. You've obviously

been a really great influence.

Oh, I don't know about that. No stopping him, really. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, people say they know me all the time.

Yes, right.

Congratulations, good man.

Cheers, dude.

Because I'm a model?

The Westside Auto Parts flyer.

No, no, no.

And the hot pants holding the shock absorber.

You're not a dancer, are you?

No.

Hey, Tracy.

Ben. How's it going?

What are you doing here?

I'm a brother of your body.

What are you doing here?

A couple of my cousins got admitted.

Cool.

Yeah, excuse me.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Tracy Hong. I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

She's from the West.

Congratulations.

Thank you. No, Van didn't mention to me that he had an identical twin.

Oh, no, you know.

Yes, I do.

Come on, you.

Come on, come on.

Quickly, quickly.

Okay.

Everyone say, who's the big poof in the wig?

Oh, Van, don't be an egg.

I just hate the photo.

We're all going to say, screw Sergeant Judd and his bloody letter.

Come on.

Screw Sergeant Judd and his bloody letter.

Guess it was a hoax.

Yeah.

Can I just say that even though you hardly said anything, it's been great

sitting in the car with you the last two days.

I learned a lot.

I think we really got close, you know?

But I won't mention that in my report.

D -Sarge, D -Sarge, calling it off. All units go back to base.

My diamond in the rough turned out good.

It did.

I love you.

Night. Night.

She's not coming, Grandpa.

You don't know that.

She ran out on you once before, remember?

There has to be a reason she didn't turn up.

Well, maybe she didn't really love you.

At least, not the way Grandma did.

She's coming to pick me up.

We're going away together.

Yeah, I know.

But

I'm

still here.

And I'm not going anywhere.

Sometimes you're so right, your grandmother.

That's what I've been told.

This program was made with funding from New Zealand On Air.