Original subtitles

No more dirty money.

I'm going to get myself a real job.

Oh, harder.

Oh, shit.

Don't worry, I'll tell my husband I broke it. Your husband?

Are you a model?

No, not yet.

Me? Really, why?

That means I've discovered you before anyone else.

Oh, somebody, somebody help me.

Witnesses every day, easily identify.

Oh, anybody, anybody.

She's gagging for it, Ben.

I thought you... Asian chicks are meant to be all, like, polite and stuff.

I went to a private school.

God, it's a wonder she hasn't jumped you already, the way she flaunts herself

around you.

Harder! Go for it, Ben.

Yeah, and... When Mr. Hong finds out my balls are deep -fried sushi.

You don't deep -fry sushi.

You know what I mean.

No, I don't, because sushi, by its very nature, is uncooked. I mean when

Mr. Hong finds out that I'm not being his wife, he's going to put my balls in

deep fryer.

No, he won't.

I'll look after you.

She's the mum, right?

Yes, mum. Keep up.

I can't help it if their names all sound the same.

Tracy, Susie.

Do they look the same?

No.

Susie's not even Asian, man. She's from, like, Hawick or something.

But, uh, doesn't the daughter want you to root the mum? Yeah, but she doesn't

know I have been already.

Well, jack it up so she gets to watch.

That way she'll find out.

Yeah, but if she finds out, then she wants Mr. Hong to find out, too, so that

he'll divorce Susie.

Then you get to root Tracy, right?

Yeah, but my balls will be deep fried, man.

Oh, yeah.

First time I made love to your grandmother, I wore this shirt.

Oh, Ken, we bought that at St Vincent de Paul today.

Don't worry about me, love. It's just onions.

Right.

OK, officially, Mum has lost her.

And this is news how?

No, I mean we should actually be concerned here. I was concerned when she

for that telephone charity job. Yeah, she's not really cut out for real work,

eh? Then we should do something to help her.

What? Like, money?

Yeah, well, that's a start.

No, honey, you don't need to... Look, just take it, OK?

For ironing my shirt.

You sure?

Absolutely. And I've booked you in with Bernard to get your hair done.

Oh, no, I don't need... No, no, I just want you to look your best for all these

job interviews.

Wanker. My family is officially a lost cause.

Think you're a little too old to get adopted, Loretta?

Watching Mum trying to be respectful is like watching a car crash in slow

motion. And then Mr Family's success story swans in, kisses her ass and makes

the rest of us look like peasants.

Sucks being stuck at school.

And you know the hell?

Cut it.

See?

You like the incense sticks?

Bilbo's monthly trip in from Hobbiton.

Hi, Pete.

How's the farm?

Lifestyle block.

Cool. Good.

Great.

Hey, Pete, you know how I don't actually work here?

Yeah, it's cool you hanging out with Kurt.

Yeah, but I'm thinking while I'm hanging out here, why don't you pay me?

I think it's the right time to make me, like, an official employee.

I don't need any more official employees.

Oh, come on, Pete, give the job.

The thing is, Louetta, I would love to give you a job, but I can't. All these

chain stores, man, I just can't compete with you.

Yeah, right.

Get the picture.

We're really worried about her, aren't we? Well, what the hell am I meant to do

about it?

Well, hug her and tell her everything's going to be okay.

You're the man of the house now.

You hug her and tell her everything's going to be okay.

Yeah, but it'd be a lot better coming from you.

Oh, you think so, do you?

Look, she made her own bloody bed.

She can't handle it.

And too bloody bad.

I've got a job for you.

What? What do you mean, what?

I've checked up a bloody job.

You say yes, Dad, and when?

Oh, no, it's just I'm... A bit busy at the moment. Picking up after the chinks.

I'm doing okay.

Yeah, got a bit of money.

Mr. Hong gave me a laptop.

Fucking impressive, Van.

I need you to talk to Sparky.

Sparky?

Jesus crap, Daddy. He needs someone.

I volunteered you.

Could be the start of something beautiful.

Except that he's a fucking lunatic with a major speed problem.

It's all lined up, fam.

He's expecting your call.

This is fucked.

I heard that.

Knock.

Yeah, yeah, get your hand off that.

It's not on it, actually.

Mum's in her room listening to country music again.

So? Well, you know how it makes her cry.

Yeah, well, she's not the only one with problems. I don't want to know, Van.

How much money have you got?

What? I want a good mum's son.

Well, what's that got to do with me?

Well, I don't have any to give her, and why does she look like a saint all the

time?

You didn't like that?

I didn't.

Mr. Holland gave it to me.

Well, I want you guys to study, buddy.

I don't know.

So?

What? Mummy, hand it over.

I get it.

I give the money to you.

You give the money to Mum. What's this?

Oh, it's pretty crap, actually.

Except for Vin Diesel, man. No, no, no. I mean, when did you get it? It's not

even out in the state yet.

Oh, Mr. Hong's got sex in it.

Mostly kung fu shit. Where did Mr. Hong get it?

Well, gee, I don't know. Loretta? Asia, maybe?

This one's pretty shit, though. Just as Nicole Kidman's going to get her kid

off, some dickhead stands up in front of the camera. You'd think they would

have, like... Noticed that when they were editing the film together, you

Mum, you awake?

What? What is it?

I've been thinking.

What? What? You know, I'm making good money at the home.

Yeah. What?

What is this?

For the housekeeping and stuff.

Oh, no, Vanny, don't... I've been thinking about it for quite a while.

I want you to have it.

OK.

It's a lovely gesture, son.

Cool.

Night.

Robbie, we need to talk. Well, that's not a happy boy. No, it's not. Because

it's not.

It's not happening to me, Robbie.

What's not happening, love?

It. The it you promised me. All I'm getting here is the jerks putting their

up my skirt and staring at my tats when I'm cleaning away the empties.

Well, Pascal, the thing is, everyone has to start somewhere.

You promised me I'd be discovered.

The closest I've come to being discovered is when they're all black

foot. No, no, what I mean, Pascal, is everyone starts somewhere and then they

move on to somewhere else.

Yeah, so?

So, if you want to be discovered, first you need to be noticed.

Yeah.

The way to get noticed around here... Stripping.

In terms of being the focus of attention at this point.

But I'm a modern waiting, not a stripper.

Darling, you have all the attributes to be both.

Trust me.

Plus, you know it's healthy.

You're adding dance moves to your repertoire, all that posing experience.

Look, I'm not going to pressure you, but if you do decide to give it a go,

there's a lady I know, a girl who used to work here actually, at a modelling

agency. We can get your pictures in front of her nose and we'll see what

from there.

Which modelling agency?

Stratosphere.

That's like a proper modelling agency.

Like I say, Pascal, I want to help you. I really think you've got what it takes.

According to Van, Mr. Hong has a warehouse full of new releases that

been released yet.

Kung Fu films, Kurt.

Loads of Kung Fu films.

Yeah? Do you reckon he's going to enter the fifth too?

Bet he has. Oh, man. That I'd love to see.

Well, why see it when you could own it?

Now, between us, Kurt, we know every film week in West Auckland.

All we need is a start -up capital.

Marita, owning a couple of ripped -off DVDs is one thing. Selling them is

another. Yeah.

Selling them means we're the ones making the cash.

All we need is a start -up capital.

Want some?

Oh, it'll end the day, mate.

More for me, then.

Business is good, then, I take it?

Which business is it?

The electrician business.

I thought you meant the business at hand.

Yeah, so, um, like I was saying, Dad said I should give you a call, but, you

know, I'm really busy at the moment, so I'm probably not... You see that, uh,

timber mill went up in Cowra.

Uh, yeah, on the tally. That was you.

I've never been to Cowra, Alvin.

Never! Okay?

Beautiful, that one, huh?

Flames.

Mmm. I need an off -slider for a job. Yeah, I know. Now, like I said, um, I

don't... Now, Jerome.

Had a bit of an accident.

Never stick a knife in an electric toaster, man.

Now, jobs come up, and I need someone.

Yeah.

I know, but like I keep saying, I'd love to help you, but I just... Okay, well,

said you would.

But I don't know anything about electricity and wiring and shit. Well,

know not to stick a knife on a toaster?

Yeah, of course.

Well, then you know more than Jerome!

Yeah. Um, look, I just don't think I'm the right man for this barky thing.

How's, um, how's your mum?

How's that place of hers?

You know, you should get the wiring checked at regular intervals by a

electrician, don't you?

I mean, I would be happy to pop around any time.

No, mate, it's all good. We got this other guy that... Do you think that I'm

pulling your leg when I say I need someone for a job and your dad promised

you? You do?

Then how about I pull your fucking neck for a change?

The thing is, I know my market. I know what they want.

Horror, sci -fi, martial arts, the newer the better.

And I know that you have a warehouse full of this stuff.

So, what I'm proposing is this.

You're landing these things for what? Five bucks a unit? If that.

I provide you with a list of what I need and how many units, and I pay you eight

bucks. the unit.

Cash. That's over 60 % profit and you don't have to worry about distribution.

What do you say?

Are you sure you're related to Van?

I prefer not to talk about it.

Emma.

That's girl. You've met Emma, right? Hi.

I've seen you up on the... You're really flexible.

Thanks.

Emma, Pascal's a virgin, so... No, I'm not.

In the performance sense.

Emma will take good care of you.

Pascal, you're going to be a huge hit.

I know that with all my heart.

Drive.

Now, look, this is on. We need to... Drive.

You need to talk now.

My back.

What happened?

I don't know.

Okay. I can't move, you idiot.

You know we can't stay like this forever, don't you? Of course I know

Look, you just try and slide out.

I did.

Oh, you mean from underneath.

You think?

Okay, being honest, with great tits like yours, once you take your top off, you

can pretty much do anything you want.

The punt is a hook till you take your bottom half off.

It's a little bit squeamish, eh?

It's not like I'm not used to guys perving at me.

They have to use their imagination, even when I'm in a tiny little bikini.

But up here, they don't even have to use that.

When you're up there, you're the star.

You're the one in control.

You're the one with all the power.

Robbie said it would be powering.

Exactly. Not to mention it's playing my way through architecture school.

Really?

What kind of buildings are you going to design?

I'd love to do a cathedral.

That would be excellent.

I'm going to be the next Rachel Hunter.

I can see you as that.

You put the car in a river.

With Susie in it, in the back seat.

Her back was stuffed.

You were rooting for her, weren't you? Shut up.

Spectacular work, Van.

Dad home yet?

Where is that skanky hoe?

Your stepmother is in her room with the doctor.

And what did you tell Dad, that you were down by the lake feeding ducks?

You did.

Priceless. Dad will see for the sight cellophane and he is so going to throw

scraggy ass out into the street.

What about me?

What about you?

What about me when your dad finds out? I told you.

I'll look after you.

Dad. Where is she?

She's in your room.

You can't bring this here.

Why not? It's a DVD store. For DVDs that have fulfilled the appropriate

copyright clearances.

Oh, Kurt, I can't believe you, of all people, are buying into that whole

corporate bullshit thing. I don't want to go to prison, Loretta.

You won't go to prison, Kurt. If we get caught, we'll just blame Bilbo and he'll

get a huge fine.

Zane, hi.

Loretta from the video I had here.

Okay, pause Warcraft 5, step away from your computer and listen to me.

What would you say if I told you I appear in my hot little hand even before

anyone in America has seen it?

Freddy versus Predator.

I thought you might say that.

Well, come down here and show me the money.

Ka kite.

I thought Bilbo had gone back to the other hobbits for the dope harvest.

Me too.

Well, how the hell are we expected to run our business with him around?

Hi, Pete.

Greta. Got a proposal for you.

Let me manage the store.

Why would I do that? Because I can generate heaps of new business while you

on the lifestyle block. None of this commuting into town, Downer. You take a

fair salary plus a proportion of the extra income. More money, less hassle.

-win!

I'd just kind of like to leave things the way they are for now.

Pete, this is a once -in -a -lifetime offer.

I'm good. Thanks, Loretta.

You know Asians have no mercy, right?

Shut up. No, I'm serious, man.

It's like cultural or something.

Yeah, but...

Mr.

Hong, how is Mrs. Hong?

Mind you're on business.

Oh, okay.

Got a job for you. Pick up package.

664 McCartan Drive.

You go around the back. You got that?

6 -4 McCannon Drive.

Yep. Cool.

Hey, now, Mr. Hong, I hope we're cool about...

I think it's, like, his way of saying,

OK, van, now's your chance to, like, make it up, make things right, you know?

Or it's like in that movie, you know, when they're in the desert and their

delivery truck turns up.

Is this chick's head in a box?

No, it... Oh, son of a...

Hey, Sparky. Job's on.

When? Now, fuckwit.

Does it have to be today? Can't it wait until tomorrow?

Of course it can't wait until fucking tomorrow.

I've got something to do. It's kind of important.

Are you trying to wind me up?

No. Are you deliberately trying to wind me the fuck up?

I just said no.

Do you want me to pop round to your mum's place?

Because, you know, if you don't turn up, I've got plenty of time on my hands.

Okay, okay.

Jesus, don't have a mental breakdown.

Sorry.

Um, yeah, I'll be there.

Man, this sucks.

Freaking. It's like I'm going to be in, like, two places at once.

Like, that's possible.

I've got to do the Hong thing.

And then there's this Sparky thing.

Sparky doesn't take rejection well.

Two places, one time. I know they're two me's, no, they sure as shit are not.

If I don't do the Hong thing, my balls are deep fried dim sum, and if I don't

the Sparky thing, then I get a psycho fucking speed freak electrician on my

case.

Fuck, fuck!

It's no win!

It's not a shit show, man.

Dude. What?

Dude. What?

How? You pretend I'm me and... No, no.

How do I owe you? You ring me up in this total panic, babbling incoherently

about how it's a matter of life and death and that I owe you.

How do I owe you?

The thing with the arsehole lawyer. I did that for you. Sure. But you also

scored several thousand dollars worth of TV and stereo equipment.

I figured that made us even.

Oh, come on, man.

It's not like I haven't pretended to be you heaps of times when you've asked me.

You only did those because you thought you'd get your end away.

And you only made me do them because you didn't want to break up with those

chicks yourself.

And you kept saying yes because you thought they might want one for the

I'm your brother, man.

And I can pay you.

You look gay.

I look like you.

Like me, but gay.

You want me to do this?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so you know where Sparky's place is, right? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No way am I doing the Sparky thing. Well, why not?

Because he's a fucking psycho speed freak.

I'm going to pick up the package thing on no deal.

Okay, okay.

Just remember, the Hongs are Asian.

Which means what?

It means...

They do things a little differently, okay? So whatever happens, just go with

flow.

And don't be yourself.

The way I see it, we're fighting the good fight.

Against corporate profits and so on.

Now you're with it.

With big corporate lawyers that will nab Sir Arthur for the war.

Hurt, you are such a pessimist.

Can we at least take the operation out of the store where I work?

But this is the distribution hub.

We'll find a way to get Bilbo out of the equation.

You sound like Michael Corleone when you say that.

So, where are we at on the me getting my money back front?

Well, we're paying the Hongs ten bucks a unit. Ten bucks?

Yeah, and shipping them for twenty.

Initial demand is good and growing as fast as the human thumb can text.

But we need to reinvest in plant.

What? Kurt.

There is only the laws of supply and demand stopping us from taking what we

from the Hongs for ten bucks and copying that ten times over.

That and the lack of technology.

Plus. So I took the liberty of slipping a little something to Zane, the computer

geek, deposit for a burner and a scanner to print the slips.

Kurt, our profitability just went through the roof.

And if it makes you feel any better, we're breaking no more laws making

of illegal copies than we were already.

Does anyone know if Van's going to be in for dinner?

Pass.

Guess that's a no.

This is for you.

What's this?

Housekeeping and stuff.

I got a part -time job with a video hat.

See you, Mum.

Bye, look.

You didn't have to do this.

I know, but I figured, seeing as though I spend most of my spare time there

anyway, when I'm not studying, of course, I might as well get paid for it.

I'm going.

Ballad.

Well, as long as it doesn't interfere with your schoolwork.

Oh, no, no way.

Bye.

You are such a pussy.

Well, I would stay and help, but my mum doesn't like it when I break, like,

several million different laws.

Just look up on your wings.

I ever tell you my success rate, Van?

No, never.

100%. Well, you don't get much better than that, eh?

100 % payout.

Yeah. Due to your electrical fault.

That's my trademark, man.

We should do another line before we go.

Do you know why I do it, Van?

Because you like speed?

The fires!

Do you know why I do it?

Because people pay you.

Because there is nothing.

more beautiful than flames.

Tonight'll be good.

The moon's right.

I love watching when the moon's like it is tonight.

Yeah, good.

Very fucking good.

Oh, no, no, no. Something wrong with my drag theme?

No.

Okay.

100 % man.

It's me, baby!

The home for me?

The package?

Hello?

Hmm, so he didn't send you to your death inn?

No, apparently not.

Do you want a beer?

Wine would be good.

I thought you were a beer man.

Yeah, well, I'm full of surprises, man.

Break your lips around this.

You know, I meant what I said before.

Good to know.

I will look after you.

She's up and walking.

Yeah, for dinner.

To talk.

Dad's so civilised about his things, you wouldn't believe.

I'll take your word for it then.

Yeah, they have issues to discuss.

Always the best form of conflict resolution.

You must think I'm a terrible person.

Not at all, no.

I think you're a victim of circumstance.

And whatever you've got to do to free yourself from these circumstances,

the way it's got to be.

What suddenly made you so wise?

You'd be surprised.

Crowd's nice. Great.

No, I mean it's a good crowd.

Well?

Well, what?

What, all of them? No, not all of them. It's the video store.

Mind you, the whole lot did go up.

It'd be a sight to see, wouldn't it? Eh?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Shall we wait?

No, I'm good, mate.

Do you see anyone looking in through the windows?

One of our friends in Blue Shower.

Roomie on the mobile.

Boy, remember.

Got it.

What? Yeah, Jed, it's me.

Hey, um, what's the name of the video store that Loretta works at?

How the hell should I know? Ask her.

Ben, don't you know it's rude to take a phone call when a lady is doing this to

you?

Yeah, point taken.

What?

What's the name of the video store you work at? The Video Ha - Why?

Bummer. Why?

Sparky's bearing it down. He's what?

Torturing it. No, he's not.

Yeah, I'm sitting outside. No, I'm sitting inside.

What?

Don't sneak up on a bloke like that.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

You can't burn down my video store.

Your video store?

No, no, no. Some heavy bloke.

Yeah, and I work here. Well, I guess you'll have to find another job. Sorry.

Sorry, my ass. Put it out. No.

This is my job.

And my passion.

Not here, it's not.

You don't understand, Loretta.

There's not as much call for arson as there used to be. I have to treasure.

Every job has ever won my laugh.

What are you doing? I'm putting the bloody fire out. What does it look like?

No, you don't.

It's a fire.

It's a work of art.

No, it's not. It's you getting your rocks off.

You dare take another step closer?

Or what, you'll set fire to me too?

Sorry, Sparky.

I came to rescue you.

Thanks.

You're up next, babe.

I can't do it.

Okay. Attack of nerves. This is to be expected.

No, I mean, I can't do it. There's people I know out there.

Okay.

Bad luck on the first night.

But it's happened to all of us.

Girlfriends? No, the cop who arrested my dad. And then a bunch of cops who

raided our house a few times.

Okay.

Look, I've had ex -boyfriends, an uncle, my intermediate form teacher.

You know how I deal with it?

You remember how you that's being empowered?

I keep that crap.

I put myself in my head.

In the place I most want to be.

So put yourself in the place in the world you most want to be.

The rest will go away.

The airplane is gone.

Come to me, come to me. That's the one. You're looking beautiful. You're great.

Yeah, keep looking at me. Look at me. That's the one.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Yes,

that's the one. That's the one. Beautiful. It's looking great. Looking

Good one. Go again. Go again. Go again.

Good one.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Oh, my God. You are amazing.

Go, go, go, go. Again, again. Look at me. Look at sexy.

Slowly. Go on the knees. Go on the knees.

That's the one. You look like a lion.

Oh, my God.

oh my god yeah yeah yeah that's the one that's the one beautiful

go go go go go

Yeah, it's clear. Tracy's in the shower.

Yep. Come on in.

Did you get it?

What? The package.

Oh, yeah.

Cool.

Any problems?

No. Nothing I couldn't handle?

Awesome.

How was it? Great.

I knew you'd say that. I made heaps of tips. Even more than Emma. Because

a star, baby.

I knew that in my waters.

And stratosphere expecting you tomorrow afternoon.

You were telling the truth.

I am nothing if not a man of my word, Pascal.

The door is ajar. The rest is up to you.

So we're cool, right?

I mean, I got the box.

Sure, Ben.

You got the box.

Then yeah, I'm sure you're way after today.

I'm disappointed in you I Had begun to value you

as I would a son you betrayed that truck

You have to look after the car if it were your own It you

left the handbrake off That part is now a write -off What is more?

My beautiful wife was injured because of your carelessness.

Thankfully, there was a happy outcome today.

In the course of the doctor's examination, we discovered... She's

Don't sound so surprised.

We've been trying for ages.

Aren't you both happy for us?

duck feeding incident. That wasn't the first time you fucked her, was it?

Not quite.

How long?

Yeah, pretty much since the first second she laid eyes on me.

And you didn't even think about using contraception? Well, often there wasn't

time. She moves past your mum.

Don't you dare call her that. And don't think what happened between us will ever

happen again.

This is a message for Sparky. It's Pete calling.

Yeah, just about that wiring job that you were doing for me last night.

not feeling too good today. Bit of a headache.

Also, it's not such a good idea to call a convicted arsonist from the scene of

attempted arson.

Look, I don't know what the deal is here, why you want to burn down the

I'm presuming money.

I've gone down the shitter faster than Adele Curry.

Bilbo, that's because you're a hippie who knows dick about running a business.

You're totally crap at it.

And Arthur, not the answer to your problem. That just ends you up in jail.

I don't know what else to do.

Luckily, that's where I come in.

Like I said before, you head on back to your lifestyle block and let me manage

the store.

It was a generous offer, and I'm offering it one last time.

Take it and leave.

Bye, Pete.

See you,

Mum.

You didn't have to do that, Hector.

Oh, no, I made heaps and kept the faith.

Thank you, love.

And I've got a meeting at an actual modelling agency.

It did happen, Mum.

You guys.

The way you've risen to this challenge.

I feel like I'm the one day in the same.

Oh, no way, Mum.

You're doing great.

Battling away?

Real example to all of us. For sure.

Totally. All the way, Mum.

I'm so proud of you.

Cheers, Mum.

Cheers.

First time I made love to Rita, I've all this shirt.

Ben, pass me the letter.

This program was made with funding from New Zealand On Air.