Original subtitles

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P -P -Y.

What's the matter, Norman? You look as if you've been polaxed.

I'm going home.

What? When?

Tomorrow. Sister's just told me.

You don't look very pleased about it.

Well, it's a bit of a shock.

I don't see why it should be a shock. I mean, you can't stay here forever,

Norman. I don't see why not. You are.

That's because I'm a serious case.

Then you'd better tell Sister.

Why? You're going out as well.

What?

But they can't discharge me. I'm a sick man.

I can't even look after myself. I can't go back to an empty flat with nothing in

the fridge.

Oh, don't worry about it, Archie. There's always meals on wheels.

Meals on wheels?

I can't survive on that. Besides, how will they get it to me? I lift ten

up. Perhaps they'll fly it in by helicopter.

No, they'll probably put it in the lift and press your floor button, Archie. But

it'll never keep warm.

I can't survive on cold rice pudding.

And supposing the lift breaks down, there's ten flights of stairs and I

got the strength back in my legs yet. And there's this red -hot poker in my

side. And what about my hypertension?

What about your hypochondria?

All right.

I'm a hypochondriac. I've never denied it, Figgis.

But I'm a sick hypochondriac. That's the difference.

I can't live on the tenth floor.

Well, never mind, Archie.

Think of the view.

Think of the view? What about my dizzy spells?

What about me? What about my mystery virus? The sudden, dramatic increase in

temperature. The main mysterious about that, you stir your tea with a

thermometer.

I don't know what you two are moaning about. You should be grateful you've got

your health and strength back.

I mean, it's no fun in here, is it?

Sitting around all day reading, watching television, playing cards, not being

able to do anything for yourself, been waiting on hand and foot.

Have you two any idea what it's going to be like for me in here when you're both

gone? It's going to be dead miserable.

I'm sorry, Vic, I didn't realise.

That's all right, Norman.

I wonder if he'll let me have this bed by the window.

Keep away from that bed, Vickis!

I haven't gone yet.

I'm going to have a word with that...

so -called doctor.

Something wrong, Glover?

Oh, no, nothing wrong, Doctor. It's just that Norman came into the ward with

this preposterous rumour that I'm being sent home tomorrow.

And I wondered whether you could refute it here and now.

I'd love to, Glover, but it happens to be true.

Well,

it can't be true.

I'm a sick man. You can't send me home to die.

You're not going to die, Glover. We've given you every test, every x -ray.

There's only been one thing I've been able to diagnose.

What's that? Oh, come on, Doctor, you can tell me. I can take it.

Loneliness.

Loneliness? But I'm a very popular figure.

I'm sure you are, Glover, but you seem to have established your social life

within the walls of this hospital.

Time you get out into the big wide world again.

Same goes for you, Norman.

But what about my mystery virus?

The sudden increases in temperature.

The sudden increases in temperature only seem to occur when the word marriage is

mentioned.

I'm afraid you can't treat this hospital as a monastic retreat, Norman. You've

got to get out there and face up to your responsibilities.

But, Mr. Thorne... I really must protect... Brilliant, Doctor.

My compliments. That was a brilliant piece of analysis.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

What do you mean?

Only that the doctor doesn't need x -rays to see through you two.

He has diagnosed you with devastating accuracy.

Obviously, your illnesses are psychosomatic.

Thank you, Figgis.

That's all right, Doctor.

Only if Glover is going out tomorrow, do you think I could have the bed by the

window? Only I do like to look at the flowers.

Well, they won't be necessary. You'll be able to see all the flowers you want

where you're going.

Oh, where's that?

Out. You're going home tomorrow, too, Figgis.

Oh, Archie.

Oh, good Lord.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

It's just that I've never seen you with your clothes on before.

It's quite a revelation.

Yes, it's a nice bit of cloth, this. Feel it.

Surge. Straight from the loom, Archie. Really? Yes, none of you off the peg

rubbish. This was made to measure. Oh, who for?

Me.

I've lost weight.

Oh, look at the way it's hanging on me.

I'm just...

Kin and bone these days. I know how you feel, Figgis.

I'm as weak as a kitten.

I don't know how I'm going to make it to the bus stop. Bus stop?

It'll be a major achievement if I get as far as the lift.

I only hope this hospital knows what it's doing.

At least they could have provided us with an ambulance.

I'm dreading those streets, Archie. Well, we can't put it off forever, I

suppose. Where's Norman? He's taking a long time.

Yes, probably struggling to do his leathers, spiking his hair and pushing

old safety pin through his nose.

No, no, not Norman. He'll be wearing a sports coat and flannel, you'll see.

There you are. What did I tell you?

Well, are we ready?

Yes.

We mustn't keep Mother waiting.

Oh, Mother's not waiting. I didn't tell her I was coming out. I didn't want any

fuss.

Fuss?

Well, at least you're not going back to an empty flat. Come on, Archie, it's not

that bad. It'll soon be full of your fashionable friends tucking into the

and cheese and discussing the servant problem.

Well, to tell you the truth, Viggis, I seem to have lost touch with most of my

friends and that room's going to seem rather quiet after this. Come on.

Count your blessings, Archie. At least you're not going back to a mother -in

-law, four kids and a wife who can't stand illness.

There'll be no rest and recuperation from me, and that's a fact.

The dog sleeps on the bed all day, and he hates being disturbed.

If you move, he bites your legs.

I'll probably be back in here with distemper.

So, it could be worse, old son. Well, if you'd like some peace and quiet,

Figgis, you know where to come.

Yes, I'll remember that.

Same goes for you, Norman.

Do you want a place to stay?

Yes.

Thanks, Archie.

You know what we should do?

We should have a reunion.

That's an idea, Norman. What, you mean meet and talk about the old days? That's

right, we could talk about our operations.

Let's face it, nobody else is going to want to listen.

When should we hold it?

What about tonight?

Why not?

I know this little place, it has the most marvellous food. We could just dump

our cases and make a night of it. Celebrate our freedom, tie one on.

Yes, Norman.

I like that. to see you're all so cheerful.

Cheerful? Us, Doctor?

We've got nothing to be cheerful about.

Of course you have. You look the picture of health, Figgis. The picture of

health? This suit was made to measure. I didn't get it from Oxfam, you know.

And I'm getting a temperature again, Doctor.

It's probably your thermal underwear, Norman.

Remember, you haven't worn clothes for some time.

You'll probably feel a bit strange for a while. Now, have you got everything?

Well, I was wondering whether I could have a bottle of my painkillers, Doctor.

Painkillers? Yes, you know, you know, the little pink ones, the only thing

stands between me and a sleepless night.

They were placebos, Glover. I beg your pardon?

Placebos. Harmless sugar -coated pills.

What? You mean I haven't even been receiving the proper medication?

No wonder I'm not well. Of course you are well.

How can I be well when all I've been getting here is a few boiled sweets?

I'm a thick man and you don't even care.

Of course I care.

I just want you to think positively.

It's the only way to get better. But don't say I don't care, because that's

true.

I care a great deal.

Do you really mean that, Doctor?

Yes, it is.

And if there's anything I can do... You couldn't get an ambulance for me, could

you? Certainly not.

Well, how about a wheelchair?

You don't need a wheelchair. A walking stick? No, please. All right, Doctor,

win. Why don't you just give me your arm as far as the lift?

I will not give you my arm. It's time you stood on your own feet.

And I thought you cared.

You can't wait to get rid of us. Now, that's not true, Figus. I know we've had

our differences, but I shall miss you.

This may surprise you, but now that the hour has come to say goodbye, I do so

with a heavy heart.

Take care of yourself, Figus.

Norman.

Lover.

We'll never be quite the same again.

It's no good. My feet are killing me. I'll have to take my shoes off.

No objections, I hope.

No, but keep them under the table. It's rather warm in here.

Yes, I think I'm getting a temperature.

That's the exertion. I said we should have had an ambulance.

I know.

You're right, Figgis. I was jostled several times waiting for the taxi. So

I. There should be armbands for people just out of hospital.

You're right, Figgis, but you'd think they could tell by my pallor that I'm

well.

I think I'll take my pullover off. No, don't do that.

Do not cast a clout, fellas. Stay out.

You could be susceptible to the slightest draft. Remember, you've been

inside the equivalent of a plastic bubble for weeks.

You can't take any chances. Well, perhaps we'll feel better once we've

Yes, at least it won't be boiled fish and semolina.

Now, gentlemen.

Oh, sorry about that. I took them off.

Feet are swollen up.

I'm just out of hospital.

We all are.

Sorry to hear that, sir. I hope you're feeling better.

With these feet? Just look at them.

See, are they distended? It's the same with the ants, like a bunch of bananas.

Yes, sir. Perhaps you'd like to order. Yes, I'd like to start with the avocado.

Oh, no, I shall have to veto that, Norman. What?

The avocado is a powerful aphrodisiac. It could prove fatal in your condition.

I didn't know that. Oh, yes, you have to keep the village maidens under lock and

key during the harvest period.

I suggest you have the soup. The soup's very good here. Right, we'll have the

soup.

There's no sense in overloading our stomachs first day out. Make sure

got their little toasty bits floating in it and a dash of cream and plenty of

rolls and butter.

Yes, sir. And for the main course?

I suggest steak.

I'd like steak. Good thinking. You can't go wrong with a bit of steak. Make sure

it's lean, no fat, lightly grilled, because we've got to watch the

carbohydrates. And vegetables?

French -fried buttered parsnips and cauliflower cheese.

And I'd like roast potatoes. And a few roast potatoes as well. Oh, you may as

well throw in a few boiled ones while you're at it. Could you ask chef to

prepare an egg custard or a junket for after, only one on an invalid diet?

Yes, sir.

And for the wine?

Oh, we'll leave that to you. Perhaps something to tempt the jaded palate.

and under a fiver.

Yes, sir.

Ah, it's a nice place, this. Yes, I like it, Figgis. It has this...

discreet ambiance. You know, it's a place where you can bring a lady.

Yes, it's a real correspondence pub, this.

What do you mean, Pete?

Well, he means it's quiet and secluded.

You never meet anyone here that you know.

Are you dining tonight, Mr. Smith?

Yes, thank you.

H -A -P -P -Y.

Happy, darling?

Oh, yes, Gordon.

Terribly. Are you... Divinely.

I love this place.

So away from all the chaos at the hospital. You don't know what that

Hilary. I thought you were looking more relaxed.

You're beginning to lose all those little worry lines around your eyes.

Perhaps that's because something rather wonderful happened at the hospital

today.

I knew it.

Selfless, Gordon.

You never stop thinking about your patient.

What, never?

Well, hardly ever.

Darling.

Would you like to order now, Mr. Smith?

No, thank you, George. Not now. Later, perhaps.

Yes, sir.

I do hate that, Gordon.

What, darling? Calling yourself Mr. Smith.

It seems so...

So do I, my sweet. But remember, we're supposed to be at the Operatic Society

rehearsal this evening.

We have to be discreet.

I know.

It's just that we always seem to be hiding.

Don't throw bouquets at me.

Don't tease my folks.

as much as you do. But, you know, doctors are expected to be pillars of

They're not supposed to have feet of clay.

You don't regret it, Gordon.

Darling, how can I regret the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to

I remember the first time I saw you.

A crow.

What's the matter, Gordon? Was I flat again? No, I've just seen someone across

crowded room, only it wasn't a stranger.

Excuse me, Hillary, I'll be back in a moment.

Well, I must say, I'm beginning to feel a bit better already.

I wish I did. Oh, come on, Roy, enjoy yourself. How can I enjoy myself with

these feet?

Well, I'm going to enjoy myself. Do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to have a jolly good meal, a cigar, and then I'm going to find myself

a woman. In that order? Yes.

I should find the woman first if I were you, Archie.

After a good meal and a cigar, you may not feel up to it.

Have you any idea of the possible shock to the system?

Don't forget you've been on a strict diet.

But not for much longer, Figgis. Where are you going to find a woman, Archie?

I've already found one.

Over there.

She can't take her eyes off me. Oh, that one. I thought she was looking at me.

What are you talking about? You've been looking at me.

I'm no doubt intrigued by all the pain and suffering in this face.

What are you going to do, Fingers?

Share your feet?

No, I feel like we'll have to disappoint her. I couldn't cross the room in my

condition. Well, I can.

And I'm going over.

You can't do that. It's a reunion.

Anyway, she won't speak to you. She'll give you the elbow.

We'll see about that. You're wasting your time.

Oh, there he goes again, destined for more disappointment. He never learns.

Excuse me.

Do you mind if I sit down?

Only I've just come out of hospital and I've been advised not to stand.

Of course.

Do sit down. Poor man. Oh, thank you. You're so kind.

Only a momentary weakness, I'm afraid. How fortunate that I was passing your

table. I wonder whether you could...

Hold my hand, only the room seems to be going round in circles.

Certainly.

Would you like to put your head between your knees?

Not at the moment.

My, what a slim, cool hand you have.

I don't believe it. Now he's holding her hand. I can't understand it. It seems

to have cracked at last.

She seems to like him.

Mind you, the light's not very good in here. Where are you going?

I think I'll ring Deidre. Oh, not you as well. You must be mad in your

condition. Well, I want to see her.

Do you? All I can say is it's a good thing you didn't order the avocado.

What are you doing here? We're having a reunion.

Reunion? But you only left today.

Just a minute.

Does that mean that Figgis is in that bar lurking, ready to strike? Yes.

We've just ordered a meal. What's it like?

I don't know. I've never been here before in my life.

Ready to order now, Mr Smith?

No.

You probably mistook me for someone else.

Are you waiting for your wife?

What?

You've met my wife, haven't you, Norman? Yes.

No, I'm not waiting for her.

No, I'm meeting a colleague, an elderly professor of medicine.

Have you finished with the phone? Yes, I was just phoning up to find out what

happened. Terribly absent -minded, probably forgotten all about it.

Excuse me.

Has it stopped going round yet?

Do you mind if I have my hand back?

Oh, yes, of course. I'm sorry.

It's all right. It's just that I was getting pins and needles.

I could have held your hand forever.

You shouldn't say that.

Do you believe in fate?

I think it was fate that brought me to this table. No, please, you don't

understand. You see, I'm not alone.

What?

Not alone?

Of course.

I should have realised a beautiful woman like you is never alone.

Well, forgive me for intruding.

I'll just go back to my empty flat and attempt a little light dusting.

Oh, you're not married then?

No, I always valued my freedom too much, I suppose. But since I've been under

the knife, I feel differently. But all my friends have deserted me and my whole

life seems wasted.

It isn't wasted, you silly boy.

There's still time to pick up the peep if you're too young.

Still young?

Yes, I suppose you're right. It's just that I can't face the thought of going

back to that empty flat and all those kippers that I left in the fridge.

Still, I mustn't burden you with my problems. I didn't mind.

Perhaps we'll meet again.

Oh, I do hope so.

How did you get on?

She's with someone. I told you it was a waste of time. A waste of time?

I'm in love.

This is not happening again.

Let's go and eat. Eat? I couldn't touch a morsel. But we've ordered.

Uh, Fig, do you mind if I don't stay for the meal?

Why? Where are you going?

Tangiers. What, tonight?

No, but soon. I rang Deidre. We're not getting married. We've decided to cash

our premium bonds and see the world. She's waiting for me now.

But Tan... Angiers, Norman. What about your mystery virus? Not to mention your

prickly heat. Oh, I don't care about my prickly heat. Well, it's a fine reunion

this is turning out to be, isn't it? Archie's in love, you're going to see

world, and I've got dropsy. Dropsy?

There's no other explanation.

I'm filling up with water.

I thought it was brown ale.

It's no joke, Archie. I'm swell enough because osmosis has no longer taken

place.

Osmosis? I thought that was in plants. And animals too, Norman.

It's obvious that my capillary vessels are ceasing to function and there's no

way I can eat my way through three steaks, chips and cauliflower cheese.

I'm in need of medical attention.

Well, Thorpe's here.

What? Why didn't you say so before?

It must be Providence. Where is he? I must find him.

We are leaving, Hilary. Get your coat.

But we haven't eaten.

There's no time. We'll leave by separate doors and meet in the car park.

Is it your wife? It's worth it because... Hello, Doctor.

Oh, no.

First the good, then the bad, now finally the ugly.

I'm sorry to disturb you. I know how much you need your leisure.

Yes. Have you met my wife?

Yes, several times. Yes. Well, this is her sister, Hillary.

How do you do? I'm sorry to intrude, but I wanted the doctor to have a look at

my foot.

Certainly not.

I think I've got drops, you doctor.

The water's rising up me leg. I'm sinking fast like the Titanic.

What's going to happen when it reaches the boiler room?

Fingers! Goo!

away. But go on, can't you help him? No, Hilary, the idea of looking at his foot

is quite repellent. But doctor... Don't call me doctor.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me for living.

Only I was living under the impression that the National Health Service

to the people.

Apparently I was wrong.

I never thought I'd be refused medical attention.

I just hope you can live with this, that's all.

Would you like to order, Mr Smith?

No, we are leaving. Come, Hillary.

But, Gordon, you're a doctor.

My name's Smith.

Norman, she's leaving.

The woman I love is going out of my life forever.

What am I going to do?

There's only one thing you can do. Faint. What?

Faint. You've always been good at that.

Oh, yes, thank you, Norman.

Where's your sense of vacation? Never mind that. Let's go.

What are you doing?

I'm going to take this poor man home.

Oh, have you got your own car?

Yes.

149, March Court.

inside. Have a look around.

And if we see something we don't like, we're going to snip it off.

Norman, what are you doing here?

I'm visiting.

Visiting whom?

Figgy. What?

I gave strict instructions he was not to be readmitted.

What happened?

Forgot to tie me laces up, Doctor. Fell down the steps.

Compound fracture, three places.

Tibia and fibula.

Held together with a metal pin.

And there's a danger of infection.

No, no, no, I can't eat anymore.

Welcome to Jack the Ripper Ward.

Do you want to see something really horrible?