All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s04e06 When Did You Last See Your Father

I'm H -A -P -P -Y, I'm H -A -P -P -Y,

I know I am, I'm sure I am, I'm H -A -P
-P

-Y. I know I am, I'm sure I am, he's H
-A -P -P -Y.

Figures, I wondered if you could do me a
favour.

Of course, Doctor, as long as you don't
want me to lift anything heavy.

With my problems, the last thing I want
at the moment is a hernia.

It's quite simple. I want you to have a
chat to the new patient in the side

ward. I'm worried about him. Say no
more, Doctor.

You think you've missed something?

Not exactly, Figgis. Well, put your mind
at rest. I had a good look at him this

afternoon when he came in. There's
nothing to worry about. Nothing serious,

is. I noticed a lopsided grin and the
twitching of the face. And as far as I'm

concerned, he's suffering from Bell's
palsy.

Figgis, he'd been drinking.

Did he? I didn't know that.

He had all the symptoms.

I could have sworn it was Bell's palsy.
More like Bell's whiskey figures.

He'd been drinking heavily before he
came in. He fought with the portents in

reception and then collapsed. I want to
know why.

Of course you do.

You want to know why he had to get drunk
before he'd come through those doors.

He must have heard something.

What do you mean? I mean, when's the
whispering campaign against this

going to stop?

There is no whispering campaign,
figures.

The man's a heavy drinker, and before we
can help him, we've got to find out

more about him.

At the moment, we don't even know his
name. He calls himself Charlie, but I

doubt if that's genuine.

And you want me to find out? Yes.

You know, I find that quite a
compliment, Doctor, that you think

in me when everyone around you has
failed.

Is it because of my friendly, outgoing
nature?

No, it's because you're an interfering
busybody figure.

If he'll keep anything from you, he
should be with MI5.

Hello, Charlie.

Hello. How are you feeling?

Terrible.

Blinding headache.

My eyes won't focus.

A mouth like a parrot's cage. Well, I'm
not surprised you've been drinking.

I may have had a few.

Why do you do it?

Makes me feel good.

No, I mean, what's your problem?

I haven't got a problem.

I'm a social drinker.

I just drink to be sociable.

You were fighting in reception.

They wouldn't let me in.

I see.

You think there's something wrong with
you, but you don't know what it is, and

you're drinking to forget, to allay your
anxiety. Is that it? No, I'm a visitor.

What?

I came to visit my son. I haven't seen
him in years.

Well, what's your son's name? Maybe I
can get him. No, I want it to be a

surprise.

You see, I never got along with his
mother. She was a difficult woman.

She always felt she'd married beneath
her. I was never good enough. I walked

years ago.

I... I wouldn't blame him if he didn't
want to see me, but I would like to meet

my little baby boy again.

Little baby boy? Well, he's grown up
now, of course, but I used to call him

little Prince Charming.

I expect she's poisoned his mind against
me, but I would like to see him. All

you have to do is walk down that
corridor. It's second on the right.

How do you know?

Because he's often talked about you.

He's missed you, Charlie.

Has he?

Does he look like me? Yes, he does, as a
matter of fact. You both have the same

sort of ooter. Now, look.

All you have to do is walk through that
door. There's nothing to it. Yes, but

what will I say to him? Oh, you'll find
the words. After all, blood is thicker

than water.

Well, yours certainly is at the moment.

So try and keep off the booze. Well,
that won't be difficult, will it? Not in

this place. That's true. Good luck,
Charlie.

There's no doubt about it, Archie. If
you stay in this hospital long enough...

You see all the pathos and drama of
life. You'll never guess who's down the

corridor.

Norman's father.

What?

I can't believe it. I thought he'd
vanished years ago. Well, now he's come

to see his little Prince Charming.
Little Prince Charming? He's going to

bit of a shock.

So is Norman.

I think we ought to prepare ourselves
for a very emotional reunion.

You know, I find it rather moving.

Well, I don't.

I don't see why it has to bother him
again after all these years. Why can't

leave him alone? He's perfectly happy.

This will only confuse him. Oh, come on,
Archie. Every boy needs a father.

Well, where was he when Norman needed
him? Answer me that, Figgis. No, I hope

tells him to get lost.

Typical of the middle class, as
terrified of displaying emotion.

I bet the only time you ever saw your
father was when the nanny brought you in

from the nursery.

Well, he may not have been an
affectionate man, Figgis, but at least I

him. He was an officer and a gentleman,
and he taught me to stand on my own

feet. He taught you to stand on
everybody's feet.

Well, Norman's not like that, you'll
see.

Norman's not like what? There you are,
Norman. Come and sit down.

What's the matter?

Nothing's the matter. I just want a
little chat, that's all.

Do you ever think about your father?

My father? Why, yes, sometimes.

I don't remember much about him now,
only that he went away.

Before he went away, did he say anything
to you? Did he give you any reason for

leaving? Yes, he said he was going to
fetch a loaf of bread.

Oh.

Do you ever wonder what's happened to
him? Oh, yes.

I sometimes dream he's made his fortune
and he'll come back rich and famous.

Er, yes.

But, I mean, if he wasn't rich and
famous, if he came back poor and

you'd still be glad to see him. Well,
yeah.

I'd still prefer it if he was rich and
famous.

But what's the point in talking about
it? He's probably dead by now.

He's not dead, Norman.

How do you know? Because any moment now,
he's going to walk through that door.

Are you sure?

Well, he hasn't got his loaf of bread
with him, but I'm sure.

My father?

Norman.

Life hasn't been kind to him.

It's left its mark.

He's not the man who carried you on his
shoulders, who taught you how to fish

and showed you where the skylark hid her
eggs.

He's not rich and famous. He's humble
and broken.

But that doesn't matter. All that
matters is that you're together again,

and son.

All you have to do is put your arms
around him.

Do you understand?

Yes, babe.

Good lad.

I think he's coming now.

Dad? Son!

How's Charlie, Doctor?

He's sleeping at all.

I don't know where he gets hold of the
stuff. He must make it in there.

I shouldn't blame him too much.

He's just undergone a profound emotional
experience.

He's Norman's long -lost father.

Yes, I suppose that would be a profound
emotional experience for anyone.

He's not my father. How do you know he's
not your father? You haven't seen him

in years. He could have been your
father. You just failed to recognise

didn't fail to recognise him. He failed
to recognise me.

Well, he'd had a skinful, hadn't he?

And do you know why? Because he was
afraid you'd reject him. And he wasn't

wrong, was he? Yes, don't turn your back
on him now, Norman. He needs you. Yes,

he needs your help, Norman.

You're his little Prince Charming.

Well, he's not Cinderella, not with feet
that size.

He's not my father. My father had tiny
feet.

Well, maybe the drinks made his feet
swell.

Not to that size, figure.

That's true.

And he did have a big pair of plates,
there's no doubt about it.

Well, if he's not your father, whose
father is he?

He embraced Archie.

He was drunk.

He would have embraced the hat stand if
we'd got one.

Yeah, that's true. And his conduct was
hardly that of an officer and a

gentleman. Quite.

Funny, though.

What is?

Well, the way he went straight to you as
if he knew you.

Well, there's nothing funny about that.

He was looking for a son, and I'm a
tall, fairly impressive figure, and he

probably chose me in preference to
someone stunted.

Yeah.

Funny, though.

What are you staring at?

Just noticing what big feet you've got,
Archie.

It's quite a coincidence.

Yes, and they've both got moustaches.

I wasn't born with mine, Doctor.

I grew it. I'm sorry, Glover. I was just
noting the similarities.

What are you suggesting?

Nothing. Funny, though.

We should stop saying that. All I am
saying is, if he is your father, it's

nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, we
can't choose our relations. No, after

Archie didn't ask to be born. That's
right, Norman. And if for a fleeting

he decided to turn his back on the poor
wretch, I think we'd all understand.

Yes. Look, I keep telling you, that
drunken old sauce is not my father.

son. Don't call me that.

I didn't mean to embarrass you, fainting
like that. You were drunk. No, no, it

was just that I hadn't eaten, you know,
the excitement of seeing you, and I was

feeling a little bit frail, and these
slippers don't fit properly. I just sort

of went over.

Yes, sir, you have got big feet, haven't
you?

Do they run in your family?

I wish you'd stop going on about feet
figures.

He had lovely feet.

What? As smooth and white as porcelain.
And he had the prettiest little toes. He

used to love you to tickle them. He'd
lie back in his pram, kicking his little

legs and gurgling away. You could never
keep the blankets on him. Now, do stop

raving on, you ridiculous old man.

Archie! He knows your name.

Well, what does that prove?

Everyone knows my name around here.

Funny, though. If my father came back,
I'd be pleased to see him. I wouldn't be

ashamed of him. He's not my father. I've
never seen him before in my life.

Please, Glover, don't deny him thrice.

I understand.

It's not his fault. It's mine. He's
never forgiven me for wrecking his

engagement party.

It was announced at the Humboldt, you
see, and they were all proceeding down

grand staircase, and unfortunately, I
got my foot caught in a loose stair rail

and fell on top of them. Then her father
accused me of being drunk, and there

was a fight. Drunk? Of course you were
drunk. You've been drunk ever since I

remember. You spent all our money on
drink. You made Mother's life hell.

I... So he is your father.

What?

Oh, yes.

Yes, he's my father.

That's all I wanted to hear. Those words
on your lips after all these years.

Son, I'm back.

Yes, Father, you're back.

And if you try pushing that bulbous old
nose into my affairs again, I'll take

you by that scrawny throat and I'll
choke the life out of you!

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. H -A -P -P
-Y.

to each other yet, figures? Oh,
Charlie's talking, Doctor.

Glover's reading a book on euthanasia.

I suppose it was impossible from the
start. They're totally incompatible. If

they're not going to talk to each other,
it won't get anywhere.

Well, maybe we've been going about this
the wrong way.

Maybe we've been trying too hard.

Why doesn't he leave me alone?

My God!

It's like trying to get rid of a limpet.
But you can't treat that poor old man

like this, Archie. He's not a poor old
man. He's an evil old genie.

Someone's left the cork out of the
bottle and he's come back to haunt me.

But he's your father. Oh, stop saying
that.

Well, try and remember the good times.

There weren't any good times.

But you can't just ignore him. No,
Archie's right. He's just an old drunk

he's better off without him.

What? He could change. He'll never
change. You want to take one look at

weak, dissipated face.

Don't you agree, Doctor?

Oh, yes.

Weak and dissipated. And shifty. And
shifty, too.

Yes, but he wasn't always like that. He
was a...

He was a fine -looking man in his day.

I find that hard to believe, don't you,
Doctor? Yes, he must have changed a

great deal, Figgin.

Well, he has. He used to be very good
-looking.

That's why my mother married him. Yeah,
and I suppose he married her for her

money. Well, no.

I think they loved each other. Love? I
bet he didn't even know the meaning of

the word. He broke her heart, didn't he?
Well, he didn't mean to.

I've never known him do anyone any harm.

Not when he was sober.

And he was generous.

He was generous to a fault. He'd give
you his last...

Penny figures. He was that sort of man.
And he always carried a little bag of

humbugs to give to children.

And he could yodel.

And whistled through a blade of graft.

And when he gave me a new pair of
trousers, there was always a shilling in

back pocket.

He used to remember things like that.

Perhaps if...

I'd been kinder to him. Oh, you mustn't
blame yourself, Archie. He's not worth

it. How do you know?

How can you talk about him like that, a
man who gave you humbugs?

Anyway, what do you know about him? He's
my father, not yours.

I should have been kinder to him.

Oh, son, I... Dad?

Have a humbug.

Hello, Dad.

How are you feeling? A little tired,
Archie. Well, it's all this excitement.

It's not every day that you find a long
-lost son.

Look, let me just make you comfortable,
and then I'll read to you.

Again?

Yes, another chapter from Dombey and
Son. You know how much you enjoyed the

one. Do you remember how I used to read
to you and Mother? Yes.

I've forgotten what a lovely voice you
have, aren't you? Well, perhaps later. I

am feeling a little sleepy at the
moment. All this love and affection is a

little overwhelming.

Yes. If I can see that you're
emotionally drained.

All right.

Well, I'll just straighten your bed.

Oh, what's this?

What? It's the top of a bottle. No!
You've been drinking! No!

I can smell it on your breast! No, I
have a wine gum, that's all!

Where is it?

But it serves you right, you disgusting
old man. I knew you wouldn't keep your

word. Archie, I'll never touch another
drop, I promise. That's what you always

say, you pathetic old tospot.

Give me land, lots of land and...

Dad's in good voice tonight, Archie.

Shouldn't we go along to him? Don't look
at me, Norman.

I've given him every chance. I've washed
my hands of him. I can't understand it.

Drinking and singing when he could have
been listening to Dombey and Son.

It doesn't make sense.

Go to sleep, Figgis. Why wouldn't I go
to sleep when he's going through his top

20?

Isn't there anything we can do?

I know what cured my father.

He was rather fond of the lotion till he
started to see things.

Horrible scaly monsters at the bottom of
the bed.

Delirium tremens, Figgis.

They were more like pterodactyls,
actually.

And then, of course, he began to lose
things.

What sort of things?

Well, things like Mondays and Tuesdays.

He'd wake up with his mind a complete
blank.

He didn't know where he'd been.

You mean like Ray Milland in Lost
Weekend? Woke up one morning and found

accused of murder.

Well, no -one accused him of that, but
that sort of thing... Oh, dear, oh,

I wish he'd have a lost weekend.

Do us all a favour. Yes, or delirium
tremens and have a horrible monster at

bottom of his bed.

Yeah, that's an idea.

You're not doing anything at the moment,
are you, Norman?

Johnny! What?

What?

I just wanted to get our story straight.

Where have you been all night?

What do you mean? I've been here.

Well, that's your story, is it? Right,
well, as long as I know.

Only I thought we ought to say we were
together.

Well, we weren't. I've been here all the
time. Good. I can see they won't catch

you out.

Only they're making inquiries about the
damage to the wheelchairs.

What? I don't know anything about any
wheelchairs. That's right. You keep

that and you'll be all right. No, but
it's true.

What? Now, wait a minute. It was your
idea to race them down the corridor.

What are you talking about?

Now, can't you remember?

We had a few drinks. I don't know what
you put in that stuff, but it's

effective. My head's still throbbing.

I can't remember anything.

Well, you must remember breaking the X
-ray machine.

I told you it wouldn't take a group
photograph.

What?

I've been asking about that as well.

It's not true.

What's going on? Archie, can you say
your father was with you all night? Only

there's been a spot to bother. The X
-ray machine, Archie, is not true.

Just a minute, Figures. Are you trying
to tell me that my father's been on some

sort of...

Drunken escapade? You could say that.
Not true. I've been here all the time.

father may be many things to guess, but
he is not a liar.

If he says he's been in this room all
night, I believe him. All right, all

right. If you don't believe me, then ask
Norman.

Norman! Norman!

Norman,

has my father left this room tonight? I
should say, sir, what a night. I've got

a terrible head.

Thank you.

That's all I wanted to know.

And he got on his face.

He looked hideous.

On his face?

I didn't see anything on his face. Did
you, Piggott? No. It was like a mask.

Norman?

Yes? Are you wearing a mask?

No. I thought not, thank you. That's all
right.

I swear, I'll never touch another drop.

feeling today?

Much better, Archie. Oh, yes, I can see
you're feeling better.

You've put a picture of Mother by the
bed.

Well, that's not your mother, Archie.
What? Well, who is it? Mrs.

Clapton. Mrs.

Clapton?

Oh, yes, I can see it's not Mother now.

She's much younger than you.

Well, a few years, yes.

Is that a split skirt?

Yes.

What's that she's got written on her
hat?

Kiss me quick.

We were on a day trip, Archie. It's one
of the things I wanted to talk to you

about. Mrs.

Clapton and I are thinking about getting
married.

Married? Oh, yes, of course. Father, you
must have been lonely. But don't worry.

From now on, I'm going to look after
you. Mrs.

Clapton looks after me.

What, you mean you live together?

Yes. You mean you don't?

Yes.

Still?

At your age?

I'm sorry, but I find that rather
distasteful.

Particularly as I can sense Mother's
presence in this room.

Archie, we wanted your blessing.

No, no, I'm afraid that's out of the
question.

But look, Father, I've got some very
good news for you. When you get out of

here, you're going to come and live with
me.

And you can do the cooking. Now, you'd
like that, wouldn't you?

Archie, I... Oh, yes, of course you
would.

I must congratulate you on your father's
improvement.

He seems a new man these days. More
miserable and morose, but fitter.

Thank you, Doctor, yes. I feel that I
have been a great comfort to him. I'm

you have, Glover.

Yes, I'm just going off to read to him
now. He enjoys it so much.

I'm trying to stimulate his interest.

Well, don't expect too much all at once.
Don't take his day to count.

I wouldn't go down there if I was you,
Archie. He's resting.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll just sit by
him. I wouldn't. Why, what's the

matter? He's overtired.

Overtired? I'm sorry, I couldn't stop
it. Father!

Don't look like that, Archie. Give it a
smile. You've been drinking.

Whatever I have, life's not all Dombey
and Sunday. Don't come near me, you

disgusting old man. Mother was right,
helping you was a waste of time. We must

expect the odd momentary lapse, Glover.
Momentary lapse?

He's as drunk as a skunk.

It's all right, Doctor. I haven't been
drinking.

What? I just couldn't take any more
Dombey and Son.

I wouldn't mind, but after that he's
threatened me with little Dorrit.

I mean, he's a nice enough lad, but I
couldn't live with him.

Tell him I'll see him again after
another ten years, eh?

Fig? Yes, Norman? If a tall, bearded
stranger arrives carrying a loaf of

and asking for me...

Tell him to get lost, will you?

Yes,

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

if you want.