All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s04e04 In Sickness And In Health

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

Figures. You're missing a treat.

Deirdre has arrived.

Deirdre? Where is she? Well, she's in
the ward talking to Norman. They're

discussing their wedding plans.

Are you coming, Figgis?

No.

Two young people discussing their
wedding plans. We shouldn't be

they're planning their honeymoon.

They're going to Frinton.

Frinton?

Yes. Come on, Figgis.

No, we shouldn't intrude. They're
engaged, Archie. They probably want to

alone. It's not fair to Norman.

No, no, Norman doesn't mind.

He begged me not to leave him.

Why'd he do that?

Well, he doesn't want to be left alone
with her.

Well, he's going to be alone with her at
Frinton.

If he goes.

What do you mean?

Well, let's face it, he's hardly the
impatient bridegroom.

He's only marrying her to please his
mother.

Why, is she going to Frinton?

I wouldn't be surprised.

That marriage is doomed to failure. Ah,
now give over, Archie. You know your

trouble. You're just a crusty old
bachelor. You've become cynical. You

bear to see two young people happy.

But he doesn't love her.

Then why did he propose?

He didn't. It was a misunderstanding. He
told me.

Apparently he was left alone with her
one evening and he dropped some loose

change on the carpet and when he knelt
down to pick it up, she thought he was

proposing.

Don't believe it. Then why does he keep
chasing all the nurses?

Well, all patients fall in love with
their nurses. It's only natural.

Now, I think marriage will do Norman
good.

Give him a sense of responsibility. And
I don't think we should interfere. I

suggest we stay here until she's gone.

She's showing him some of her trousseau
figures.

Trousseau? Yes.

You should see her nightie. It looks
like a beach tent.

Oh, I can't miss this.

Well, what do you think, Norman?

It's rather large, isn't it?

That's the fashion.

What's the matter? Don't you like it?

Well, I was thinking you'd wear
something a little more revealing.

Not at Frinton.

Gales last week.

Why does it have to be Frinton? Why not
Spain or Italy?

Because you haven't got a passport,
Norman. And besides, you know what the

does to my skin.

I'd have to cover up all the time. You
could always wear that nightie.

Quick, put it away.

But I thought you liked Frinton.

Your mother wouldn't go anywhere else.

She's not coming, is she?

knows we want to be alone.

She's coming on the second week.

What?

Never mind.

At least we'll have a week to discover
each other. It'll take longer than a

if you're going to wear that nightie.

I suppose you're bound to be restless.
All this inactivity.

But it won't be long now, my sweet. Try
not to be impatient.

I'm not impatient, Deirdre. In fact,
I've been thinking perhaps we ought to

a little longer. I mean, do we really
know each other?

We know each other. We've been engaged
for three years.

You know what I mean.

Oh, that.

You don't regret waiting, do you,
Norman?

Er, no.

Oh, no, I don't. Because when we get to
our little room at the Shangri -La guest

house, there'll be such a cloudburst of
discovery.

There will be at Frinton. It always
rains this time of the year.

Don't keep on about Frinton, darling.

Mr Thorpe, to make sure you're going to
be ready for the big day.

Oh, dearie, do you think Archie and I
could have a sight of the wedding

list? We'd like to make a small
contribution to the nuptials and we

the toaster had gone.

I'm afraid it has, Mr Figgis. Oh, well,
may I suggest an electric blanket?

I understand it gets rather cool at
Frinton this time of the year. Oh, what

lovely thought. Isn't that kind, Norman?
Is it?

There's the bell. I must go. Bye,
darling.

I was just wondering what you'd look
like without your glasses.

You'll see.

Why, are they coming off of Frinton,
too?

Lovely girl.

Yes. How are the wedding plans going,
then, Norman? All right, I suppose.

Well, you take my advice. It's an
important day in your life, so do it

Have four bridesmaids. Anything less
looks like penny -pinching. And if you

have a pageboy, so much the better.

Only make sure he can hold his water.

And if you're hiring a morning suit,
make sure it fits. Otherwise it looks as

your trousers are coming down.

And have the bells. I know it's more
expense, but it's worth it. Gives the

thing a touch of class.

I bet you're getting excited, aren't
you, eh?

Yes. Yes, well, if you want the best
man, you know where to come. I don't

officiating, that's if you don't mind
the pajamas.

I wish it's not going on about you, Fig.
Look, can't you see he doesn't want to

go through with it, Figgis?

Don't do it, Norman. What?

Well, there's no need to tie yourself
down.

It's not necessary.

Well, look, she works in a library,
doesn't she?

Well, you don't buy books in a library.
You borrow them.

What are you suggesting?

Well, there's no need for them to get
married. Not these days. They could live

together. Live together? Don't be so
distasteful, Archie.

Norman thinks more of her than that. He
wants to sanctify his love.

Well, they could do that later.

Where's the excitement in that? Where's
the natural bliss?

Like having your dinner warmed up. Well,
at least we'll find out whether they've

made a mistake. I mean, they hardly know
each other. Well, that'll make Frinton

all the more exciting.

A walk round the floral clock, a quick
game on the putting green, a glimpse

through the telescope, then back to the
Shangri -La guesthouse for further

delights. I'm getting married in the
morning.

Ding dong, the bells are going to chime.

Ah, Norman, good news. I just had a word
with Deirdre, and I was able to

reassure her that we'll have you out of
here for the great day. What?

Don't worry, Norman.

We'll get you to the church in time. Oh,
will you? Well, I wish you'd all mind

your own business. I'm sick of hearing
about this wedding. I don't want to get

married. I never did, and I certainly
don't want to get married to Deirdre.

You don't want to marry her. You should
say so.

How can I tell her? How can I hurt her
feelings like that? It's been three

years. She's knitted me six sweaters and
bought me a pair of gold cufflinks. You

can't marry someone just because they
bought you a pair of cufflinks. Give

back to her. I can't. I've lost one.

Good heavens, if I married every woman
who gave me a pair of gold cufflinks,

be a much -married man, Norman.

Now, you be firm.

Tell her the truth.

I think you'll be surprised by her
reaction.

I won't be surprised. I know exactly how
she'll react. There'll be a splintering

of glass and she'll be out there on the
pavement with my name on her dying lips.

But, Norman, where are you going? I've
got to see Mr Thorpe. I think he's going

to give me some advice.

Everybody's giving me advice these days.

Oh, I wonder if we've done the right
thing by Norman.

Pushing him into matrimony like that.

We were wrong, Archie.

You mean you were wrong, Biggis. The
point is, what are we going to do about

Well, I suppose I could come between
them, you know, sweep her off her feet.

You, Archie?

Yes, why not?

I know she's short -sighted, but you
could sweep her off her feet with a bag

over your head.

I think a first experience should be
with someone who has tact and finesse

and understanding.

Well, that lets you out.

Let's face it, Archie, you're past it.
It's time you hung up your boots. Hung

my boots?

I have no intention of hanging up my
boots.

You wait.

You'll see.

could meet my wife.

Muffin, this is Norman. How do you do?

Muffin is considerably experienced in
counselling young people, so I asked her

in this morning to give you a few words
of advice, Norman. Thank you.

Muffin.

Sit down, Norman.

I can see you're very nervous, but
that's perfectly understandable.

You're taking a grave and important
step, and you have doubts.

It would be strange if you hadn't.

We've all had those doubts, Norman.

Good Lord, yes.

What was that, Gordon? It's perfectly
natural to have doubts. I know I had.

I didn't know that.

Yes, I was riddled with them.

Oh.

Now, Northland, perhaps you can tell me
what... what sort of doubts...

Well, I don't remember them now. It was
a long time ago.

Yes, well, it's funny that you've never
mentioned them, that's all.

But they're not important. I was simply
making the point that I had doubts.

And look how well things turned out.

Now, Norman, perhaps you can tell me
what it is that's worrying you.

Well, it's just that I wonder if I can
spend the rest of my life with Deirdre,

see her over the breakfast table for the
next 50 years.

Ah, that was one of them.

I beg your pardon?

One of my doubts.

Oh? You see, it's not that Deidre isn't
attractive.

On the other hand, she's not exactly
beautiful.

In fact, some people think she's as
plain as a pikestaff.

I wouldn't worry what other people
think. Norman is whether you're

her. A relationship based purely on
physical attraction is doomed to

I can remember when I first met Gordon.
I thought, what a strange -looking man.

Strange? But we made a go of it.

Beauty's only skin, Dean Norman. The
important thing is mutual respect,

interest, being prepared to give and
take. There was nothing strange about

It's not that exactly, but Figgis said
something that made me think. He said,

you want to know how a girl's going to
look in 30 years' time, look at her

mother.

I see.

And did you look at her mother? Yes.

She's as ugly as a wart.

Well, I wouldn't worry about that,
Norman.

Muffin's mother was grotesque.

But I never let that stand in my way. If
you love someone... My mother wasn't

grotesque. She was an attractive woman.

Not like... What was wrong with my
mother? Nothing.

Except that she looked like the third
witch out of Macbeth. What?

That's not all. She has this irritating
habit of never listening to a word I

say. Well, if you want to know about
irritating habits, you should be outside

our bathroom at six in the morning when
he's singing Gilbert and Sullivan.

And what would you know about that?
You're never up until ten.

Well, at least you don't have to look at
me over the breakfast table. Oh, chance

would be a fine thing. You'd think a man
who works an 18 -hour day could get a

cooked breakfast just once in a while,
wouldn't you, Norman? Yes, well, I think

I'd better be going now. Well, good
luck, Katie. You didn't listen to your

doubt.

I know I am. I'm sure I am.

H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am. I'm sure I am. H

-A -P -P -Y.

I can't go through with it, Fig. Then
you'll have to tell...

Everything's been arranged.

What am I going to say to her?

The safest thing to say is that she's
too good for you. That way you won't

her feelings.

Say she's too fine, too decent, and you
have these base animal instincts that

render you unworthy.

And if that doesn't work, say there's
been other women.

I suppose that doesn't work. Then I
suggest you go to the Russian embassy

claim political asylum.

Get on with it before it's too late.

Yes, but they all quarrelled over
Granny's Wedgwood. Oh.

I suppose your father is out of the
question. Out of the question. He's out

the country, Deidre. Never mind.

I haven't told you this before, Norman,
but my father wants to take your

father's place.

You mean live with mother?

Oh, see.

I mean, be a father to you.

Oh, does he have to? I had enough
trouble with the last one.

You see, he was a wild and unpredictable
man.

I suppose I'm a bit like him. Yes, dear.

Now... You see, we both have this
nomadic streak. We both hate being tied

It's going to be horseshoe -shaped,
three tiers, of course, and decorated

orange blossoms. We both have this
wanderlust, always want to see what's

the next corner. And I've ordered 50
boxes to send slices to friends who

couldn't attend.

And that's why I don't want to rush
things. What was that? What?

What did you say?

Nothing.

Really, Norman, you're not starting that
again.

Don't you want to get married?

Marriage?

What's marriage? A few words mumbled
over us by a priest, a signature on a

of paper. What does it mean? It means
you love me. You do love me, Norman.

What's love, dear dream?

How do we know? Do we love each other or
do we just think we love each other? I

think we'd better discuss the hymns. Or
is it love?

You see, I have these animal feelings
and you're so fine, so decent. I had

thought if morning had broken like the
first morning, only Mother thought there

might be sniggering.

The truth is, you're too good for me,
Deidre.

And there have been other women.

Other women? When?

Oh, a long time ago now.

Lady Norman, I'm not going to talk to
you when you're in this mood.

You seem determined to postpone the
wedding. Do you realise how much money

been expended?

The caterers, the champagne, six
bridesmaid dresses, all made at their

expense. Not to mention the fact that
the hall has been booked in a deposit

Oh, I didn't realise the deposit had
been paid.

Yes, but it certainly has, Norman, and I
hope you're in a better frame of mind

tomorrow. But, Deirdre... That's telling
her.

So, Deirdre, I was hoping to... catch
you alone, there's something that I

want to say to you.

Please.

He's not good enough for you.

Isn't he? No.

You're wasted on him. And you know why?

Because he doesn't make you feel like a
woman. He doesn't make you radiant with

happiness.

Why do you hide behind these glasses?

May I?

You're a very beautiful woman.

Why do you wear these?

Because I can't see a thing without
them.

Can't you really? You may wonder why a
man of 35 is paying so much interest in

young girl, but the fact is I've always
been attracted to you.

What? Oh, yes. I've always looked
forward to the sound of your tiny feet

pattering across the ward, the smell of
your perfume, the sound of your gay

laughter. I even become jealous of that
tallow youth.

Please give me back my glasses.

But even an older man can teach you so
much about life and love. I can make you

beautiful. I can dress you in silk and
diamonds.

Please, let me go. Don't do it, Deidre.
Don't settle for a suburban semi in a

balance of the building society.

You've lived amongst old books too long.
But remember, behind those dusty

covers, there's love, life, romance.

That story could be yours, Deidre. Yes,
well, I must go now. I won't let you

marry him.

Because when the vicar asks, is there
any known just cause or impediment why

these two people should not be joined
together in holy matrimony, my voice

echo like a carrion across the church.

That woman is mine!

I've been hearing a word with Norman,
and, um... Miss Deirdre,

your glasses, what's happened to them?

I'm wearing contact lenses.

And your hair, it's different.

I've changed the style.

And your dress is quite enchanting.

Yes, well, I thought, why save
everything for Frington?

Why, indeed, the whole transformation is
quite breathtaking.

You wanted to see me.

Oh, yes.

My wife's coming in this morning. She
wants to have a quiet word with you

Norman.

Frankly, I think you're too good for
him.

Are you really wearing contact lenses?

Yes. I can't see them.

Do you mind...

Do you mind if I look closer?

Yes,

fascinating.

Gordon?

Muffin, this is Deirdre.

Deirdre?

I was expecting... I understood you were
rather... You wore glasses.

Ah, Deirdre's wearing contact lenses.
You can't see them, even when you look

closely. Yes, I saw you looking closely,
Gordon.

Mr. Forbes said you wanted a word with
me.

Oh, yes, yes. Well, what I was going to
say, Deidre, is that when a girl has got

her man, she sometimes forgets that she
has to keep him. And have you known my

husband long?

No.

And she sometimes thinks, why bother?
I'll be married soon. And then she

to neglect herself.

But I can see you don't need that sort
of advice.

Only Gordon gave me the impression
that... Ah, well, you see, Deirdre's

not to save it all for Frinton.

Yes, well, I hope she's going to save
something for Frinton.

I may not be going to Frinton. You see,
I think Norman's been unfaithful to me.

Oh, no.

Not Norman.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Are you sure that your judgment isn't
being clouded by jealousy and suspicion,

Deirdre? The twin evils that threaten
every marriage.

You see, I've... I met Norman, and I
wouldn't believe this. Are you a member

the Gilbert and Sullivan Society,
Deirdre?

No. Why?

I was just wondering where you'd met my
husband.

We were talking about Norman, Muffin.

Oh, yes.

It's not just Norman.

You see, something happened to me
recently.

I met an older man.

Oh, I know there's no future in our
relationship, but... He made me realise

I'd been missing.

The admiration.

The excitement.

An older man.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I really must
see Norman and explain things to him.

Well, remember, dear, a relationship
can't be built and lies in deception.

Ha!

What was that, dear?

Uh, yes. Well, I think I'd better go
now. Goodbye.

You'll have to do it for me, Fig. You'll
have to tell her.

I suppose you're right. You'd only
weaken. You mustn't let me. Not this

Tell her my mind's made up, I won't go
through with it, and I'm immovable.

Where are you going to be?

I'll hide in the loo. Oh, no, you won't.

That's cowardly, Norman. You'll stay
here and face her.

All right, I'll stay, but I won't face
her. I'll look out of the window.

She'll probably weep buckets, Fig, so be
ready with a clean handkerchief.

Deirdre. Hello.

I wouldn't have known you.

Um, Norman?

Get on with it, Fig.

Right.

Deidre, Norman's asked me to say
something, and it's this.

He doesn't feel he's ready yet for
marriage. He wants to travel, see

of the world before he settles down. He
knows you've booked the reception, but

he's not going to get married just to
please the caterers. Do you mean he

doesn't love me any more?

I'm afraid not, Deidre.

Like a glass of water or a hanky?

No, I'm not upset.

out, too, and now I know Norman doesn't
love me. And he has been unfaithful to

you on several occasions.

And he feels once the fire is out, you
can't rekindle the flame. Figures.

I agree. Perhaps you'd give Norman his
ring back. Certainly.

What's happened to your glasses?

I'm wearing contact lenses.

You look terrific.

Thank you.

Well, I suppose this is goodbye.

Goodbye, Deirdre. No hard feelings.

Is there someone else?

I had this encounter with Mr Glover.

Glover? Don't be angry, Norman.

He's a sad, rather lonely figure, but he
flattered me and made me feel

important, and I realised what I'd been
missing, that I was bored.

Bored? Norman understands and hopes that
one day you will find happiness. Will

you shut up, Phyllis? Oh, there's just
one other thing. There's a deposit paid

on the room at Frinton, so if you feel
like a holiday... What about you?

Oh, I shan't be needing it. I'm going to
Spain with friends. Spain? Goodbye,

Norman.

Oh, hello, darling.

Wrong wall?

Yes, I think it was.

Oh, very nice. Who is she?

Deidre! What? Yes, and you keep away
from her, glover! But I was only trying

help. Well, don't! Just keep out of my
affairs, and that goes for you too,

Figgy. Stop trying to come between me
and Deidre.

Deidre!

Did you hear that?

The ungrateful little twerp.

Well, that's the last time I try and
help him.

If he thinks I want to interfere in his
life, he's very much mistaken.

Mind you, there's something we have to
decide.

What's that?

Who's going to Frinton with Norman?

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am. I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P
-P -Y.

Oh, yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am. I'm sure I am.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y. H -A -P -P -Y.
Only when I laugh.

H -A -P -P -Y.