Original subtitles

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P -P -Y.

Well, I'm glad I read that book.

Took a bit of wading through, but it was worth it.

Fascinating subject.

What is?

Psychiatry, Norman. I never realised the power of the subconscious before, the

extent to which the darker side of the mind rules our lives.

It doesn't rule mind figures. As far as I'm concerned, psychiatry is a load of

undiluted codswallop. Well, you can scoff, Archie, but it's certainly given

greater understanding.

Of what?

Of you, for a start.

What? You should read this book, Archie. You could benefit from this. You'd see

how the incidents of our childhood...

Haunt us for the rest of our lives. They don't haunt me, figures.

I had a very happy childhood.

So did I.

Yes, psychiatrists are a bunch of parasites.

They should leave us alone.

That's where you're wrong. It says here that one in three of the population has

a serious neurotic disorder.

Looks as though we're above the national average.

Well, there's nothing wrong with me, I can assure you.

I wouldn't let a psychiatrist near me. Well, of course you wouldn't. You'd be

frightened of what he'd find out.

What do you mean?

I mean that your id is being suppressed by your alter ego, thus causing inner

conflict. It's obvious, isn't it? What are you talking about? I keep telling

there's nothing wrong with me. Then how do you explain your hypochondria?

I'm not a hypochondriac. Of course you are. You've been in and out of hospital

all your life.

Every time you look like getting discharged, you come up with a new set

symptoms. There must be a reason for it. There is. He's lazy.

I'm not.

I'm a sick man.

Well, of course... Of course you are.

But it's all in the mind.

Oh, I'd love to analyse you.

Well, you're not going to.

You can analyse me, Fig.

Right, Norman.

Right, now, just relax.

I'm going to pan the pencil. I think we'll start off with a word association

test. Now, I'll say a word, and you say the first thing that comes into your

head. Right?

Left. No, no, we haven't started yet.

Here we go.

Leg. Table.

Body. Belt.

Breast. Plate.

Sex. Male.

Girl. Guide.

Love. Fifteen.

Pardon? Granted.

What do you mean, fifteen?

Oh, love.

Fifteen.

Kiss.

Goodbye. Date.

Fig. Brassier.

Watchman.

Affair. Dodgems.

Caudillard.

How did I do? There's no doubt about it, Norman. You've got the worst case of

sexual repression I have ever met. Well, you didn't need to do a test to find

that out. I always knew he was a mother's boy. At least I wasn't the

take the test, Glover. Perhaps it's for the best, Norman. Who knows what dark

secrets lurk in the recesses of his mind? I haven't got any dark secrets.

Oh, all right.

You can test me, Figgis.

What?

Here we go, then.

Blue.

Gardenia. Black.

Shiffle. Red.

Lips. White.

Sheets. Woman.

Nurse. Bed.

Love. Soft. Flesh.

Mother.

Mother. What? Mother. How dare you?

How dare you bring my mother into a conversation like this? My mother was

sweetest, the most adorable, the most beautiful woman who ever breathed. She

the best mother a man ever had.

Don't try and cheapen her memory with this sort of filth!

A word in your ear, Doctor?

Yes, what is it, Figgis?

I was wondering if it was possible for a psychiatrist to visit the ward at some

convenient time.

A psychiatrist?

Unannounced, of course, and in confidence, without the other two

Yes, of course, Figgis, I understand.

It's not easy for a man to ask for assistance in this way. Precisely,

That's why I thought I'd better do something about it now before it's too

It's not too late, figures.

Whatever the deep -rooted problem, it can be cured. This cry for help's your

first step on the road to recovery.

It's not me, Doctor. It's the other two.

They're both displaying symptoms of severe neurosis and depression. We've

act promptly before they turn psychotic.

Psychotic?

Figures. If there was anything wrong with her mental condition, I'd be the

to notice. I have had some training in psychiatry. In fact, it's a particular

interest of mine. So stop interfering.

Leave it to the expert, someone who knows what he's doing.

Oh, I see.

What do you see, Vickers?

Touchy today, aren't we, Doctor?

I am not touchy. You obviously feel your authority is being challenged.

Do you always shuffle your papers like that? What? Or is that a way of

restraining your impatience? You want to watch that, Doctor. These glimpses of

irritation, this...

Fear of being wrong coupled with an almost egocentric feeling of

It's rather disquieting.

Dickens, are you analysing me?

I'm sorry, Doctor, I got carried away.

Yes, and not for the first time. I tell you, there's nothing mentally wrong with

those two.

Then how do you explain the fact you can't discharge them? You can't get them

out of those beds for love nor money. And do you want to know why?

Because it's all in the mind!

Very well, figures, if it'll put your mind at rest.

I suppose we could have a little group therapy session.

What's that, Doctor?

Well, the idea is we sit around and talk, reveal ourselves to each other,

express our hopes and fears, that sort of thing.

I see.

And will you be taking part, Doctor? Yes, of course.

Should be fascinating.

Nothing to worry about.

We're simply going to discuss our problems in a warm, friendly atmosphere.

I didn't know you had any problems, Doctor.

Well, I wouldn't exactly say problems, Norman. Is it matron again, Doctor?

Well, she's not the easiest woman to get along with.

Well, take my advice. Stand up to her. It's the only way.

Easier said than done.

Wait a minute. We're not discussing my problems. We're discussing yours.

Now, who's going to start with Paul Ryan? What about you, Norman?

What are you doing, Piggis? I'm going to take a few notes, Doctor. Put it away,

Piggis. Sorry, Doctor.

Now, Norman, would you like to tell us about yourself?

No.

I don't suppose there's much to tell.

What about you, Clever? Would you like to talk about yourself?

He never talks about anything else.

I'm afraid not. You see, I sense hostility.

Ah, I see.

Now, that's interesting.

Glover senses hostility.

Could you elaborate on that? I've always felt it, ever since I came onto this

ward, from Norman and from Figgis, but particularly from Figgis. They don't

me, and all I can say is the feeling's mutual.

See what I mean?

Persecution complex.

Be quiet, Figgis.

Now, Clever, could you be more specific?

What is it you don't like about Figgis? He's an interfering busybody. Always has

been and always will be. I don't like his politics, I don't like his

I don't like the way he talks, I don't like the way he walks, I don't like the

way he looks.

Yes, I see.

And what about you, Figgis? Do you share this hostility?

No, of course not, Doctor. I admit, when I first met him, I had him down for a

middle -class twit, but now I think I understand his problem. What problem?

clearly suffering from delusions of grandeur. Grandia estigis.

Delusions now.

Yes, well, I don't think we're getting very far. Perhaps we should concentrate

on the things we like about each other.

Now, who's going to kick off on this one?

Norman, who do you like and admire about Archie?

There must be something.

I like his dressing gown.

You see, you like his dressing gown.

Not that I'd wear it.

Oh, why wouldn't you wear it? I wouldn't want people to think... Yes?

I wouldn't want people to think that... Think what, Norman?

That I was effeminate.

There's nothing effeminate about me, bins.

Obviously, the only reason you wouldn't wear my dressing gown is because you're

frightened that people might question your masculinity.

Well, I'm quite certain about my masculinity, and I didn't arrive here

a teddy bear.

Yes, well, now we know what we like about each other, let's move on.

Yes, I find the teddy bear rather interesting.

Interesting? It never says a word.

Why a teddy bear, Norman?

I don't know.

Why not a dog or a cat?

I can't stand cats.

I hate cats. If a cat comes near me, I shudder. The fur, the claws and the way

they walk. I can't stand cats at any price. That's one of the joys of being

hospital, getting away from cats.

Fascinating revelation, Doctor. The cat being feline obviously represents the

female of the species. The fear of the cat is symbolic.

representing his fear of women.

And the teddy bear's his father.

The warm, cuddly father all went away, never to return.

Be quiet, Figgis. No.

Figgis is right.

He's obviously dominated by his mother. That's why he can't form any lasting

relationships. What do you mean?

I've been secretly engaged twice since I've been here.

Yes, but why have you kept it secret? Because you didn't want your mother to

know, because your mother wants you to marry Dreary Deirdre. Well, I'm not

to. Oh, yes, you will.

You're doing your tail because you're a mother's boy. No, I'm not. You should

have been sent away to school when you were seven. That would have made a man

you. It doesn't seem to have done you much good. What do you mean?

I mean, all those years in a totally male environment, no wonder it made you

peculiar. Peculiar?

What are you getting at? I think Norman is referring to what he sees as your

latent homosexuality.

My latent what?

How would you like a punch on the nose?

I'll show you who's effeminate.

Yes, and if I have any more trouble from you bins, I'll pull the other arm off

and the legs.

Oh, William, you public school sadist.

You've ripped it.

You've ripped my dressing gown.

Do you know what I'm going to do with this teddy bear bins?

I'm not going to pull its limbs off.

I'm going to beat you to a pulp.

Congratulations, Doctor.

I think you've made a breakthrough.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm

sure I am. H -A -P -P -Y.

Uh, how's the dressing gown?

It'll mend, Norman.

I'm sorry, Archie.

Oh, that's all right, Norman.

I needed a new one anyway.

If you'd like me to sew the arm back on Ted... Thanks.

You're very good with a needle and thread, Archie.

What?

I didn't mean... Look, I didn't mean to call you a latent.

You didn't.

Figgis did.

You're right.

Of course, he did.

Figgis. You can't breathe these days without him analysing you. I know. He

follows me everywhere with that notebook.

He records my every move. You know, he even analyses the way I eat my

cornflakes.

Well, if he wants something to analyse, I'm going to give it to him.

Ah, figures. I was just saying to Norman, that was a brilliant piece of

that you did yesterday. Oh, it was nothing, Archie. I just turned over a

You never know what you're going to find underneath.

Well, I was impressed and I wondered...

Whether you could help me.

Of course, Archie.

Now just sit back and talk.

The first thing that comes into your mind.

Childhood. Your most poignant memory.

Oh, well, that's easy. It was when I went away to school and I was only seven

and Mummy was standing in the doorway in a buttercup yellow dress and she looked

wonderful. Yes, I'm sure she did, Archie, but she was sending you away.

And she kissed me on the forehead and she said, be a good boy, Archie, and

every Sunday.

And then she was gone. Away to school, only seven years old.

Alone with those cruel boys.

Beatings, rags in the dorm and no mummy to turn to.

There was Matron.

Matron?

She was beautiful, Fig. And kind and loving, just like mummy.

Did she wear a nurse's dress?

Yes, she did.

And when did you see, Matron?

When I went to the fan.

And when did you go to the fan?

When I was sick.

Get in there, Archie. You only got attention when you were sick, and Matron

your substitute for Mummy.

And this bed has become the womb.

Has it? And the woman in the nurse's uniform has become your ideal of

femininity. That's why you like hospitals.

Oh, Fingis, what am I going to do? I can't leave the rest of my life in the

hospital. I know, I shall have to think this one out, Archie. I'd better go down

to the library.

But remember, I can only show you the way. The rest is up to you.

Ah, hello, Figgis.

Look, when are you going to start my treatment?

All in good time, Archie.

Figgis, what are those?

Cats. Yes, I know they're cats, but what are they doing now?

It's what we call conditioning. I'm going to get Norman used to cats.

Aren't you afraid you might be rushing things? No. First it's pictures, then

I'll give him some furry material to touch, and then, finally, I may

him to a kitten.

Anyone seen the paper? Ah, there it is.

When are you going to start my treatment, Fig? It's already started,

Cats!

Yes, aren't they nice? They're horrible. I hate them. Look at them. Look at

those eyes. Look at those teeth.

The way they're flicking their paws, they're evil. I'm getting out of here.

down, Norman. They're only pictures. You won't know if they're there after a few

days. You're right, because I won't be in here.

Of course, that was Norman. He was almost foaming at the moment.

put those up?

Figgis, Doctor.

No wonder Norman's going gaga.

Actually, I'm getting a bit worried about Figgis. You will tell me if you

him acting at all strangely, Glover.

How will I know?

Precisely.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

What do you want to do that for, piggies? It's what we in psychiatry call

aversion therapy.

What? It's part of your treatment. Every time you look at a pretty nurse, I'm

going to subject you to an unpleasant experience.

That should put you off them. I hadn't thought of passing an electric current

through your bed, but I think that might be a good thing.

Yes, it certainly would.

What about a pin on a stick?

No, certainly not. I could hit you with a rolled -up newspaper. You're not going

to hit me with anything.

And you're not going to practice your aversion therapy on me either.

Why don't you just mind your own business and leave me alone?

You can keep away from me, Finn.

Don't worry, Norman.

I've got a little present for you. One of the nurses brought it in.

It's in this box. I know what it is. It's a kitten. I know it's a kitten and

can take it away.

Now, what makes you think it's a kitten? Archie told me. You can take it away. I

hate kittens with their little red rasping tongues and their nasty little

You can take it away. No, it's not a kitten. Do you think I'd be so

It's just a piece of fur.

And I just want you to touch it, that's all.

It's a dead kitten, I know it is.

It's just a piece of fur.

Just feel the texture.

I hate fur. It smells. It gets up your nose. Yeah, it's horrible.

You've only got to touch it, that's all. Now, come on, Norman.

You want to be cured, don't you?

There.

That's not too bad, now, is it?

No.

Now stroke it.

That's quite a pleasant sensation, isn't it?

Oh, I suppose it is. Now I'm going to take it out. Now relax, Norman.

You're doing very well.

Take it away.

He's staring at me. They're horrible. They're evil. No, I think he likes you,

Norman. You like Norman, don't you? Yes.

Don't say something. Take it away. It's obscene. All right, all right.

Obviously, I've advanced your treatment too quickly. I'm sorry, Norman.

Mind you, I seem a pity to waste it. What are you going to do?

I'm going to put it in Archie's bed.

I'm going to lie down in here. Right.

He sees this bed as his refuge, as his retreat from life.

This will make him change his mind.

But we do not have rats in the bed.

My God! It's a rat!

Kill it!

Actually,

it's a rat!

What?

Who was that there?

Don't tell me.

I'll see him later.

In the meantime, I just came of a heart attack.

I've decided to accede to your request for a psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist? Yes, I'm sending a Dr.

Bernstein over from psychiatric this afternoon.

I don't think that'll be necessary, Doctor.

I think I can cure these two.

He's not coming to see these two figures. He's coming to see you.

What?

There's nothing wrong with me, Doctor. Nothing wrong?

Then how would you describe someone who thinks everyone's mad but himself and

only he can effect a cure?

How long have you had this feeling of omnipotence? Omnipotent?

Yes, for the last few days, Figgis, you've been displaying a megalomania of

almost epic proportions.

You carried on a campaign of terror in this ward, worthy of the mark he

himself. But, Doctor, I am as normal as blueberry pie.

Have you ever seen blueberry pie, Figgis?

Well, no.

Precisely. But, Doctor, if this ever gets out, I'll never be able to live it

down. Don't worry, it'll be in the strictest comfort.

Now... Get your bed tidied up. Dr. Burns is going to be here any minute. Well,

what's he going to do?

You just have a friendly chat with you, test your reactions, and then decide

whether you've flipped your lid.

Oh,

what's

the matter, Figgis?

You're expecting a visitor?

Yes, sir. Another check -up, I'm afraid.

Another check -up? Yes, well, as you know, I'm not right down here.

Oh, I thought the problem was a little bit higher.

What?

that they were selling for a trick cyclist. Who told you?

I heard it in the day room.

In the strictest confidence.

In the strictest confidence. Where have I heard that phrase before?

Look, you won't tell Norman, will you?

You know how he looks up to me.

My lips are sealed, Fig.

Hello, Fig. When's the shrink coming?

Oh, darling.

Talk about confidentiality. What happened to the Hippocratic Oath all of

sudden? He doesn't want anyone to know, Norman. They'll soon know when they cart

him away.

Nobody's going to cart me away.

I'm going to tell this Dr. Bernstein where to get off. Don't you worry.

Mr. Figgis.

Oh, I'm sorry I can't talk now, dear. I'm expecting a Dr.

Bernstein. But I am Dr.

Bernstein.

You're very young for a doctor.

I thought perhaps we could have a little chat.

A little chat? You'd better come and sit down. Take the weight off your feet.

This is a classic case. Get your pad out, take a few notes. Here, you can

mine. And let me know if I'm going too fast for you.

It all started a very long time ago.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am. I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am. I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.