All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s04e02 Conduct Unbecoming

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

Good morning, Fiona. Did you sleep well?

I'm afraid not, Gordon.

I barely closed my eyes all night, and I
still have this pounding as if there's

a great weight on my chest.

Uh, yes.

I think it's my heart.

No, there's nothing wrong with your
heart, Fiona. You can't tell from the

Gordon.

Aren't you going to examine me? Well,
there's no need. Dr.

McAllister's given you a thorough
examination. He assures me... But he may

missed something.

Yeah, that's hardly likely, Fiona.

Gordon, you're so talented, so
accomplished. I feel so much better if

to give me a second opinion.

But I've seen the results of your tests,
and as far as I can see, there's

nothing organically wrong. A mild virus
infection.

No reason why we shouldn't discharge you
today.

Discharge me?

Gordon, you can't be serious.

You can see I'm not well.

Surely you can put my mind at rest.

I shouldn't really examine you without a
nurse being present.

You weren't so coy on the night of the
golf club dance, Gordon.

Please, Fiona, not here.

After all, that was a momentary lapse in
my part.

I'd almost forgotten.

I hadn't. I still have your note,
thanking me for the most wonderful night

your life.

You kept the note?

Is that wise, Fiona?

If it were to get into the wrong
hands... Oh, don't worry. I keep it with

always. Oh, good.

But don't you see, that makes the doctor
-patient relationship rather difficult.

And your father is chairman of the
board.

My father may be chairman, but all I'm
asking you for is the same basic right

you'd give your humblest of patients.

Feel my heart, Gordon. No, please, no.

Gordon, I insist on an examination.

Very well.

Very good beat, Fiona.

Wonderful resonance.

Almost musical.

I love you, Gordon.

What was that, Fiona?

I love you, Gordon.

I didn't quite catch that.

I love you, Gordon.

Please, Fiona, stop. This is madness.

Oh, Gordon, you know I've always admired
you. Ever since that incident on the

14th tee, when Penelope Withers
collapsed over a short putt. And we all

round, not quite knowing what to do, and
then suddenly I heard your strong, calm

voice saying, Let me through.

I'm a doctor.

And you gave her mouth -to -mouth
resuscitation.

I never thought I'd envy Penelope
Withers. Yes, but, Fiona, you're far too

impressionable.

A doctor's life is not all glamour.

Patients come up to you in restaurants
and show you their stomachs.

Thrust palsied hands under your face and
stick their tongues out. That's because

you're a wonderful doctor and a
brilliant surgeon.

They have such faith in you.

And that night of the dance, when you
kissed me on the terrace, I was so

Oh, Gordon.

Gordon, kiss me again, just once,
please.

doing here? Oh, just getting me a
breath, Doctor.

Every step's an effort these days.

Well, get you a breath somewhere else.
Yes, Doctor.

It looks as if you could do with a sit
-down yourself.

I suppose you've been hard at it again.

Higgins, get back to the ward. This is a
private wing. Oh, I see. I'm sorry if I

strayed from the lower decks, Doctor. I
just wondered how the other half lived.

I hope you haven't been overdoing
things.

Oh, thank you, now.

This confirms what I've always known.

What's that, Fig? That the private wing
of this hospital, there's nothing but a

hotbed of sexual intrigue. What are you
talking about?

I was walking down the corridor, minding
my own business, and I happened to

glance through this open door, and there
was Thorpe halfway across the bed with

a lady patient.

I can't believe it. Well, I certainly
can.

I always knew it went on.

But doctors aren't like that. They're
too professional.

They can't afford to get emotionally
involved with their patients. And who'd

want to become emotionally involved with
law?

Oh, I agree, there's not much to look
at, but doctors have this strange

that women find attractive.

And they're only flesh and blood.

You're not telling me that when they're
examining a beautiful woman, the old

stethoscope doesn't start to tremble a
bit? Believe me, it does.

They wouldn't succumb to the temptation.

They're trained to resist that sort of
thing. Don't you believe it, Archie.

of these blokes train for seven years to
become doctors. When they qualify, they

work 18 hours a day for next to nothing.

They never get home at night. They're
rushed off their feet. They can't call

their souls their own. Well, what do
they go through all that for?

Well, what?

Well, for the crumpet.

Rubbish. It's a sense of vocation. A
sense of vocation than what was Thorpe

doing up there in what can only be
described as a leg -over situation.

I tell you, we don't know the half of
it. The drama that goes on in these

Yes, just like the young interns.

What's that?

It's the series on television.

But that's a soup opera. It may be a
soap opera, but it's painstakingly

researched, Archie. In fact, it's very
authentic. It could happen here.

Yes, like when Dr. Meredith becomes
locked in a fierce embrace with a lady

patient and fails to notice that the
cardiac machine has ceased to function.

Right. And he blames himself for her
death and loses the use of his hands.

and under deep hypnosis, he recovers the
use of his hands but reveals the name

of his mistress, who happens to be the
wife of Dr. Browning, who, when he

discovers this, takes to the bottle.

And who, under the influence of drink,
sets the arm of this young violinist so

badly they say he'll never play again.
This young violinist who turns out to be

Dr. Browning's natural son.

Identified by a distinctive present
-shaped birthmark on his shoulder.

But that's absolute twaddle.

But it's nothing compared with what goes
on here. I bet Dr.

Browning's life is a picnic compared
with Thorpe's.

What's that, Figge? Oh, hello, Doctor.
We were just discussing the young

saying what a real slice of life that
is. A turgid melodrama, Figge. Really,

surprised you waste your time watching
it. Oh, I thought it seemed quite true

life. No, I'm afraid not, Figge. A
doctor's life is not quite so dramatic.

Almost humdrum, in fact.

Gordon!

Oh,

Gordon, please don't be angry with me.
Don't turn away. I can't bear it. Look

me, please.

Can't you see?

I... I need you.

Wanted to see me, Doctor?

Yes, Figgis.

Is she still out there? I'm afraid so.

Yes, they've told her I've gone home,
but she doesn't believe them. I know,

she's been searching the wards. Oh, no.

I must say, I've never seen such
devotion.

It's an obsession, Figgis. Yeah, it's
all on her side, I suppose.

Of course.

And you've done nothing to encourage it.

The mildest flirtation.

Well, obviously a misunderstanding.

If this is how to ruin me, what am I
going to do? There's only one you can

brazen it out. Don't have to... brazen
it out. I'm innocent.

Of course.

But I did write her a letter that she
carries around with her.

It was in the heat of the moment.

Never put pen to paper, especially in
the heat of the moment. You could have

said anything.

I did.

That's why I need your help.

I need an independent witness, someone
who will vouch for my good character and

integrity.

A patient, possibly.

Right.

If you leave it to me, I'll see if I can
find someone.

Don't dig it.

I meant you.

Well, would it be on oath?

Well, all you have to do is tell the
truth. After all, you saw what happened

yesterday. You mean when she came into
the ward in an emotional state and you

carried her off in your arms? Or before,
when I caught you struggling with her

on the bed? No, because you can't say
that.

Don't you understand? She's out to ruin
me.

She's threatened to report me to the
medical council unless I run away with

And her father is Colonel Walters,
chairman of the Board of Governors.

My career's on a light edge.

My God, just go in.

Is Thorpe in?

That depends who wants to see him.
Colonel Walters, Board of Governors.

Oh!

Yes, I think he's in.

Figgis, isn't it?

That's right.

Look, I hope you don't mind my asking
you this, Figgis, but what's your

of Mr Thorpe?

I'm sorry, I make it a rule never to
discuss my doctors.

I consider it unethical. Of course, I
quite understand, but I'm concerned

him and it would be in the strictest
confidence.

I see.

Well, it's all right, I suppose.

He's not neat.

No one could call him neat.

He doesn't go in for fancy embroidery.

In fact, he has trouble lacing up his
own shoes.

Do you want to see something really
horrible?

No, no, no, no.

That won't be necessary. I wasn't
referring to his surgical skills. I just

wondered if you'd noticed anything
strange about him. You mean more than

I mean, why was he hiding under the desk
figures?

Yes, I can explain that in strictest
confidence.

You see, a few days ago, he operated on
this young violinist, and it went wrong.

Good Lord.

They say it's doubtful he'll ever play
again.

That's terrible.

There's worse.

Forbes discovered that this young man is
his natural son, identified by the

distinctive crescent -shaped birthmark
on his shoulder. What? The son he

abandoned 25 years ago whose mother died
in childbirth. That's incredible.

Yes, isn't it? So you see why he can't
face people.

He needs a rest, Colonel. You're a
military man. You must know when a man

take any more.

But my daughter's come to him for
treatment.

Then take my tip.

Get her away before it's too late.

I'm sorry, Fiona, but my mind is made
up. You must pack your suitcase at once.

Daddy, I can't speak now.

I'm in the middle of my treatment.

What's the matter?

I can't say any more at the moment,
Fiona, but...

Thorpe is a sick man.

He can't fist.

I think you should see another doctor.

Nonsense, Daddy. I have every faith in
Thorpe.

Have you?

Well, just thank your lucky stars you
don't play the violin.

No, no, I've said too much already.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. H -A -P -P
-Y.

Hurry up, Archie, we haven't got all
day. We've got to retrieve that letter.

still don't see why it has to be me.
Because you're the only one with the

necessary charm and a decent suit.

Oh, yes, just what I thought.

Immaculate.

Oh, do you think so? Oh, yes.

You're the only one with the right brand
of sophistication to carry this off.

You look as if you've just stepped out
of the Athenaeum. Here you are, Archie.

Put this on.

What? You look like a Harley Street
surgeon.

Figgis, have you any idea of the penalty
for impersonating a doctor? It won't

come to that, Archie. We'll just make
sure the coast is clear, then you'll go

in, grab the letter and out again.

I wish you were coming with me, Figgis.
So do I, Archie.

I'd love to come with you. Only Edith
sent my suit to the cleaners and I can't

go like this.

They find a national health patient up
there and I'm in a flogging in front of

the whole ship's company.

It's all clear. I've just seen her in
the corridor. I think she's after Thorpe

again. Right. Off you go then, Archie.

And good luck.

And if I had anything to wear, I'd be
with you. Well, that's all right, Fig. I

found these. What? They're in
maintenance.

Overalls and a cap. They'll take you for
a plumber.

Thank you, Norman.

What a super idea.

Where do we start?

Well, you search the bed, and I'll take
the desk.

What does it look like?

Well, it's a love letter. It's probably
written on pink paper and reeks of eau

de cologne.

What are you doing?

Ah, Miss Walters.

I wondered where you'd got to.

Dr. Meredith.

Guys. Mr. Thorpe asked me over for a
second opinion.

Oh.

Does that mean you're going to examine
me?

In a moment.

But first, you'd better tell me your
symptoms.

Please, sit down.

Well, I have these palpitations.

Palpitations? Yes, and then I feel
feverish and I can't sleep.

I see.

Well, that could be anything, couldn't
it?

What's your cholesterol like?

Well, they should have checked your
cholesterol level and your sugar

that's all clear, I should take a close
look at the thyroid.

What do you know about it?

You're a plumber. As a matter of fact,
the human body has a great deal in

with the central heating system, furry
pipes, faulty pumps, leaky systems. Why

don't you get back to your radiator and
leave this to me?

Well, your eyes look very clear.

Tell me, what colour are they, blue or
grey?

Blue, I think.

Yes, very distinctive.

Oh, and there's certainly nothing wrong
with the texture of your skin.

It's very... smooth.

Yes, at first glance, I would say you
were in perfect physical condition, Miss

Walters. But I will need a more thorough
examination.

Perhaps you'd like to go behind the
screens and remove your clothes.

Certainly, Doctor.

Don't do it, George.

Please, please, don't do it. What are
you talking about?

The letter might be in the dressing
gown.

The letter? Oh, I'd almost forgotten the
letter.

But be careful.

I'm about to examine a patient.

This is my daughter's room. I didn't
know she was being examined.

Ah, I see. Yes, Miss Walters, your
father is here. Perhaps you'd better get

dressed whilst we discuss your case.

Surely we're not going to discuss the
case with a workman here. Can't you get

rid of him?

No. Top steward. Very militant. Doesn't
pay to cross these sort of people.

Well, what's your diagnosis, Doctor?

My diagnosis?

Yes, well...

It's a very emotional state brought on
by an overactive thyroid.

Is

that

serious, Doctor? Oh, no.

Well, it means surgery.

Oh, no.

I think we can control it without
surgery.

I'll have to talk about... to talk about
some... a course of treatment.

Well, that's a relief, Doctor, isn't it?
Oh, not at all.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go.

It's getting rather wet in here.

Oh, heavens!

What's going on?

Do you mind, Governor? Put your finger
on that.

This is the age of the photostat
machine.

She's probably got 50 copies in the
original lodge at Lloyd's. What are we

to do?

Well, our only hope is to get her to
tear it up herself.

How are we going to get her to do that?
That means putting her off Thorpe

altogether. Well, that shouldn't be too
difficult.

Precisely. When she finds out what he's
really like... Someone's coming.

Quick, I'll see behind the screens.

I'm sorry, mate, but the time's over.

Immediately, yes.

Good heavens, Mr Thorpe. I don't know
what to do. She's in my office.

She says she won't leave until she's the
heart -to -heart. I can't face another

heart -to -heart with Fiona to the end
of me.

My career's in ruins. I don't know what
to do. Don't worry, Doctor.

We'll sort it out for you. You can
depend on the lads of Ward 3. In your

you say, right, well, we'll get rid of
her. Now, you find yourself a broom

cupboard somewhere. You look as if you
could do with the rest.

Don't get changed, Archie. You're wrong.

Miss Walters.

Oh, Dr. Meredith.

What are you doing in here?

I'm waiting to see Mr. Thorpe.

You can't wait here, I'm afraid. I'm
about to hold a clinic.

Why don't you go back down to your room
and I'll send you down a thyroid powder.

I insist on seeing Mr. Thorpe.

He's avoiding me and I'm not leaving
until I've seen him.

But, Miss Walters.

Please. I can't see you at the moment.
Can't you see I have someone with me?

I can't wait any longer, not with this
arm. Just look at it.

the shoulder.

Thorpe reset it last week and now look
at it. Just look at the way it hangs.

I shall never be able to play the violin
again.

Yes, this is a very tragic case.

He's put it back the wrong way round.

You try playing the violin with an arm
like that and you'll push the bow

straight down your throat.

Yes, I knew Thorpe was incompetent, but
this...

Is this Chris? What am I going to do,
Doctor? I have a concert in New York

week.

Can you stand, Penn?

Anything, Doctor.

Then grit your teeth and hold on.

I'm going to try to put the shoulder
back into its correct position.

Oh!

Oh!

You've done it, Doctor.

Look, it's straight again.

I shall be able to play my violin.

No need for that. Just go to New York
and show them what a British violinist

do. I'm cured!

I'm cured!

Oh, that was wonderful, Doctor.

Wonderful? No, just a basic knowledge of
human anatomy.

What puzzles me is why Thorpe made such
a mess of things.

Not now.

Can't you see I have someone with me?

I'm sorry, Doctor.

I must see. I can't wait.

It's in the nature of an emergency.

An emergency? What do you mean? Well...

As you know, I was recently operated on
by Dr Thorpe. Dr Thorpe? I haven't felt

right since, and yesterday I had a
coughing fit and produced this.

Good heavens!

I think I've seen one of these before.

There should be a screw attachment with
it.

You mean this?

I brought this up as well. That's right.
Now, that should go on here, like...

And now I'm looking for a small bayonet
attachment.

Yes. I had another coffin fit this
morning.

Oh, good.

Right, now we're getting somewhere.

Look, old fellow, I don't want to worry
you, but now I'm looking for a flexible

tube about a foot long.

Yes.

I passed that this afternoon.

Oh, splendid.

Now, that should go on here like this.

Girlfriend, the gastroscope. A
gastroscope? What's it doing inside me?

I've no idea, but it looks to me like a
monumental cocker.

This is a very valuable piece of
equipment.

But what about me?

Will I be all right?

Oh, don't worry, old fellow. You're
almost out of the woods. Just keep your

peeled for a small grommet and a large
threaded screw.

Once we've located those, you should be
all right. I'll pop down and see you

later. Oh, thank you, Doctor. I must
say, it's nice to have a doctor around

place who seems to know what he's doing.

Poor man.

What a ghastly blunder.

Yes, and it's not the first case, I'm
afraid.

Thorpe is a decent enough chap, but I'm
afraid he's passed it. That's why I'm

here.

To pick up the pieces.

Well...

You've certainly opened my eyes, Dr.
Meredith.

I don't think I'll wait to see Mr.

Thorpe after all.

Oh, leaving already, Fiona? And where
have you been, Gordon?

Hiding from the young violinist?

I beg your pardon?

Or the man with the gastroscope inside
him, all coming out in bits and pieces.

And, sir, I don't quite understand. All
I can say is thank heavens for Dr.

Meredith. Dr. Meredith?

And I can assure you that if I need any
further treatment, I shall be going to

him.

Never mind, Thorpe.

You've been through a great deal.

It must have been a terrible shock when
you saw that crescent -shaped birthmark.

A man's past is his own affair. I shall
say no more about it.

Why don't you take a holiday?

Let Meredith take over.

Christmas? It's birthmark. Meredith?

Oh, goodbye, Dr.

Meredith. Oh, goodbye.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -C -Y.

I'm H -A -P -C -Y.