All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s04e01 Blood Brothers

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

She'd stop sighing. I'm trying to work.

What are you doing?

Well, I thought, now I'm out of a job, I
ought to try and get a few more O

-levels. Good for you, Norman.

How many O -levels have you got?

You mean, including divinity?

Yes.

One.

Oh.

But what are you studying now?

Geography. Geography? Well, if you need
any help, you know where to come to.

You, Fig? Yes, why not? I know quite a
bit about geography.

Where's Zambia?

Zambia?

Don't tell me. I'm not going to.

It was something else, wasn't it? You're
getting warm.

Is that a clue?

I know the Congo.

No, that's Zaire.

Zaire? Then what happened to the Gold
Coast? That's Ghana.

I thought that was Nyasaland. No, that's
Malawi. You're not very good, are you?

Well, I'm just picking up the threads.
You can't expect me to know everything.

All right, here's a catch.

Where's Montenegro?

Mozambique. No, Yugoslavia.

Oh, fancy falling for that one.

Why don't you get back to flying, lover?

Educational standards have certainly
declined since my day. All right, it's a

tricky one for you then, Archie. A Dutch
aeroplane carrying English passengers

over France crashes on the Italian
border. Now, the question is, where

they bury the survivors?

Now, I want to think about this one.

I don't want to answer it off the cuff.

English passengers on a Dutch plane
crash on a French -Italian border. Where

would they bury the survivors?

It's a tricky question of international
law here. No, it isn't. You don't bury

the survivors.

He's right, Archie.

There'll be a few complaints.

Oh, what a rotten question.

Fancy asking me a rotten question like
that when I'm not well.

How are you feeling, Archie?

Not too good, Figgis. No, you don't look
too good. What are your symptoms?

Well, I'm weak and feverish. My eyes are
sore and there's no feeling in my

hands. Oh, let's see.

Oh, yes, your little fingers are quite
cold. You need topping up. Topping up?

Sure, sir. I'm developing anemia. I'll
have a word with the doctor.

Figgis, I hope you don't think I'm
pulling rank.

But do you think I can examine Glover
first today?

Of course, Doctor.

After all, it is my job to treat the
sick.

I'll have a pint.

What's that, Figgis? Nothing.

Have a look at you, Glover. These eyes
are inflamed. I'd be inflamed if you

don't get back into bed tickets.

I see from these tests, Glover, that you
are grossly anemic.

We shall have to give you a blood
transfusion.

Transfusion? What did I tell you? Be
quiet, please.

You mean having someone else's blood in
my body?

Well, that's the way we normally do it,
Glover.

A total stranger, someone I don't even
know. There are no time for

introductions, and the blood donors have
no significance.

If it helps you, think of it as tomato
juice. Tomato juice?

I don't think you understand, Doctor. My
blood is my inheritance, handed down

from the Plantagenets, from generation
to generation.

Up to now, I've managed to hang on to
it. I can't afford to have it tainted by

just anyone.

It won't be just anyone, lover. You're a
very rare blood group.

Oh.

Am I really?

Yes. A, B negative.

A, B negative? A group that covers only
3 % of the population.

Well, I can't say I'm surprised, and I
suppose that does make a difference. At

least it won't be any Tom, Dick or
Harry.

Good. I'll put you down for two pints,
Glover.

Did you hear that, Figgis?

They're going to give me two pints of AB
negative.

Yes, I understand that's an excellent
vintage. They're probably down in the

cellars now, brushing off the cobwebs of
a bottle of shuttle Glover.

I wonder who the donor is. It could be
anybody, Archie.

Hardly, Figgis. We're only 3 % of the
population.

I'm a blood donor.

You, Norman.

Do you mean to say there are... people
walking about with your blood inside

them.

Yes, I suppose so. Incredible.

Oh, don't cough, Archie.

Norman wanted to help his fellow man,
didn't you, Norman? Yes. Yes.

And I thought it might help to stop me
blushing.

What group are you, Norman? Oh, it's the
most common.

Yes, I thought it might be. What does
the O stand for?

Ordinary?

need for you to be so superior, Archie,
just because you're AB negative. After

all, blood's blood.

Not with my lineage, Figgis.

There's blue blood in these veins. What
do you think we've got, dandelion and

bird? I mean, I have breeding. What's
that got to do with this? This is a

hospital, not breeding crufts.

We all have the same origins, Archie. We
all came out of the slime. Well, you

may have come out of the slime, Figgis.
I certainly didn't.

Glover, we struck a snag.

I knew it. We can't get the cork out.

We don't appear to have any of your
blood at the moment.

Don't have any? What am I going to do?
Well, don't worry, Glover. We've

discovered another AB negative in the
hospital. There's no reason why he

shouldn't give you some blood. Another
AB negative here? Well, I must meet him

at once. You already have. It's Figgins.

He wants to keep his strength up for
this afternoon when he gives you his

Oh, I wish you'd stop saying that,
Norman.

I wonder if this makes you blood
brothers.

What?

That's what the Indians used to do, cut
their arms, bind them together and

become blood brothers, sworn to defend
each other's teepees. Well, I don't want

to defend his teepees.

I don't want to be his blood brother. In
fact, I don't even want his blood.

Then you'd better say something before
it's too late.

Well, it's not as easy as that.

It's not like cancelling the milk,
Norman.

I mean, he's bound to be hurt.

It's just that I can't bear the thought
of Figgis' blood running around inside

my body.

I'm having nightmares about it. Hello,
Archie. All ready for this afternoon?

Oh, look, Figgis, about this afternoon.
Now, we've been friends for some time

now.

Roy.

So, I think I can say this.

The truth is, I can't take your blood.
Don't worry, Archie, I'll be all right.

I'm taking iron tablets.

No, you don't understand.

I don't want it.

What?

Well, it's a wonderful gesture, Roy, and
I do appreciate it, but we're so

difficult. You don't want my blood? No,
Roy. You mean you're throwing my blood

back in my face? Well, not exactly. The
blood of good yeoman stopped the

backbone of England. Well, don't take it
like that. Blood that was shed at

Agincourt on the Salmon Passchendaele?
Not good enough for you, then? I didn't

say that. Well, there's gratitude for
you. Do you know what I hope, Glover? I

hope you shrivel up like a prune. Will
you come in, Norman?

on this side of the hospital.

Well, I... Well, I just told Figus I
didn't want his blood.

What? And I wondered whether there was
an alternative.

Well, you should ask that, but quite by
chance we've discovered yet another AV

negative in the hospital, one of the
doctors.

One of the doctors?

Well, that's more like it. He's on the
golf course at the moment, middle round.

But I could try and get hold of him.
Well, I really think we should make the

effort, Doctor. After all, a
professional man, a man of intellect,

relate to. Yes, of course.

Dr. Sun Chang is one of the most eminent
men in the field.

Sun who?

Sun Chang.

Oh, Chang, yes.

Well, on certain thoughts, it seems a
pity to drag him off the golf course,

particularly if he's in the middle of a
medal round. Perhaps I could make do

with Figgis's blood after all.

Well, that's very democratic of you,
Glover. I suggest you apologise to

at once.

Apologise? Yes, we'd like to get a
couple of pints into you before you

wilt.

Figgis, old chap, come to apologise.

I am.

Yes. Realise I've offended you.

Spoke without thinking. Truth is, I
would consider it a privilege to have

blood. Would you really?

Yes. Well, you're not having it.

I really would like your blood,
honestly. Keep away from me, Dracula.

Oh, please, Figgis.

I implore you. I'm a sick man. I must
have your blood. But what about my

origins? Don't they worry you? No.

No, that's just what I need, humble
origins. You see, the gloves were

far too...

Inbred. Oh, please, Roy, it's a matter
of life or death.

A matter of life or death?

Well, as soon as you put it like that, I
might squeeze you a couple of pints.

Won't be long now, Archie. Expect I'll
be going down in a minute.

You'll soon have a drop of the old
shadow figus coursing round the old

You'll feel the benefit.

It's a modest little blood, but I think
you'll be amused by its presumption.

You won't be amused by its presumption,
Figgis. It's strange, really. Archie's

having your blood in his veins and he
hardly knows you. After centuries, the

blood of the Glovers and the Figgises is
about to mix. Oh, shut up, Norman. Both

from different worlds. Archie from the
aristocracy and you, Fig.

What did your father do?

He worked on the drains.

Does he look like that, Archie? He may
have been poor, but he was a good father

to us.

Well, the drink got him.

You mean he drank?

Only at the end. I think he was working
on the drains. Well, you never know what

you're going to find.

I might have guessed it. This blood is
going to be 20 % brown ale. No.

Meths, actually.

Meths? Well, don't worry, Archie. It
didn't impair his intellect.

He was lucid right to the end.

Looked like Uncle Morris.

Uncle Morris?

His brother.

He was the funny one.

He thought his head was on the wrong way
round.

What? How can you think your head is on
the wrong way round? I don't know, but

he did.

He wore his shirt and ties back to
front.

He kept walking into things.

He even tried to turn it round again.

Nearly broke his neck.

Good heavens.

What a family.

What was your mother like?

Wonderful.

She was a wonderful woman, my mother.

Except for her feet.

She had terrible feet. There was a
martyr to her feet.

Well, be any minute now, Archie. Don't
they want me down there yet?

We're not quite ready for you yet, Mr
Figgis. I can't say I'm looking forward

it. You've got nothing to worry about,
Archie. I know, I've had it.

What, are you saying that you've had a
blood transfusion? Yes, some years ago.

had an accident on the loading bay. I
got my arm trapped.

Lost a lot of blood. Of course, I didn't
know at the time that I was something

special. I just knew they brought this
bloke in to give me a couple of pints.

A nice fellow.

Winston L. Roy Jones.

West Indian.

West Indian?

You mean you're part West Indian, Fig?

Well, yes, I suppose you could say that.
A quarter, to be precise.

If you're a quarter West Indian...

What's this going to make me?

One -sixteenth West Indian.

Well, your geography may not be much
good, Norman, but there's nothing wrong

with your maths.

One -sixteenth West Indian. Don't worry,
Archie, it'll do you good. Winston had

a wonderful physique, and he was a very
good fast bowler.

You know, I always felt I could get
those crates onto the lorry much better

afterwards. You mean it really does have
an effect on your metabolism?

Well, of course, yes. And so if you have
the sudden desire to go limbo dancing

under the lavatory door, don't be
surprised.

Dr. Thorpe. What's the matter, Glover?
I'm afraid I can't go through with it. I

had no idea what was in Figgis' blood.

A father who drank, a mother with bad
feet, an uncle who thought his head was

the wrong way round, and a West Indian
past bowler.

My system can't stand a combination like
that.

It won't help, Glover. What?

I was going to say, there's been a slip
-up in the haematology department.

It's not you who needs the blood.

It's Figgis.

Be wise.

Well, it won't be long now, Roy.

What won't? The transfusion. Oh, that.

Yes, they'll be calling for me soon.

Good. And I just wanted you to know, I'm
giving a quart, Roy.

You mean two pints? Well, two pints is a
quart.

Ah, sounds rather a lot, doesn't it?

Would I mind anything for a friend? Yes,
well, thank you, Archie. No, don't give

me your thanks.

I'm not doing it for thanks, and they
seem to think I'm strong enough, Roy,

if anything should go wrong, no regrets.

Well, don't worry, Archie.

I'll be all right. Well, of course
you'll be all right. I'm the one who's

the blood.

I just don't want you to have any
reproaches, that's all. You see, the

are used to making sacrifices.

It's not the first time we've been asked
to...

shed our blood for others. Yes, well, I
do appreciate it, Archie. And it's not

every day one is instrumental in saving
another's life.

Yes, well, I wouldn't put it as strongly
as that, Archie. No matter how humble

that life may be.

Yes, well, I hope you don't think I'm
too humble, Archie. Not anymore.

I mean, after this, you'll be one of us.
What?

A sort of...

Cousin, I suppose.

Oh, God.

What? Nothing, nothing, nothing. Oh,
come on, cheer up, piggies.

It won't be long before you have two
pints of good Tory blood coursing

your veins. Tory blood?

Yes.

I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't
conservative at the next election.

But, Archie... No, don't try and thank
me again. Well, I'd better get off now

and rest.

Conserve my strength.

Oh, good luck, Roy.

Could I have a word, Doctor?

What is it, Figgis?

I don't want Glover's blood.

Then what?

I thought you'd been asked whatever it
is you've got here, Figgis.

You know what I mean, Doctor?

It's nothing personal, but he's a
conservative.

What's that got to do with it? Well, you
see, I'm up for convener this year.

And I can't afford to be tainted with
Tory blood.

What would people say if they found out?

Besides, it might prey on me mind.

I could find myself... agreeing with
management and settling for 5%. You

Figgins, I've already explained to you
the blood you receive won't have those

characteristics. We don't transfer genes
with a blood transfusion.

Yes, you know that, Doctor, and I know
that, but I'm not so sure about the shop

stewards. I mean, they should get out.
And there's another thing. You know what

Archie's like. He'd probably expect to
get paid for it. And when he finds out

there's no money in it, well, he might
want his blood back.

Now, I can give you the address of this
Westington. He's a good socialist.

I've had a couple of pints of his once,
and it's very good stuff. I've never had

a cold since.

Oh, I see. So you've got no objections
to blood and ethnic ground figures?

Oh, no, certainly not.

Then perhaps I can get hold of Dr Sun
Cheng.

Sun Cheng?

Is he Chinese?

He's not the last of the Habsburgs
figures.

No objection to him being Chinese?

Certainly not. I couldn't get more
yellow than I am now.

Good. Well, I'll try and get hold of
him, but you'll have to settle things

Glover. Oh.

Right, Doctor.

Oh, um, Doctor?

Yes, Viggo? Is, uh, Doctor Thun Chang,
you don't know what his politics are?

I think he's FDP.

Well, he can't have everything, I
suppose.

Oh, don't look so worried, Roy. Help,
it's on its way.

It won't be long before you have the
blood of the Plantagenets coursing

your veins. Yes, I've been meaning to
talk to you about that, Archie. Are you

sure you can spare it? I mean, you don't
look well. That's because I'm not well,

Roy. But your need is greater than mine.
You know, Lawman was right. It's a

wonderful feeling, being a blood donor.

And just to think, my blood is going to
help save your life. And when I see you

chipping around this ward, fit and well,
I shall think, there goes a little bit

of me.

No, you won't, Archie.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm not having your blood.

But I've already given it.

Oh?

Well, can't they put it back?

Of course not.

Oh. Well, if you're not having my blood,
whose blood are you having?

Dr Chang's.

Dr Chang's?

You must be mad, Figgis.

You could have had the blood of the men
who stood by William at Hastings, who

fought their way with bloodstained
swords across the breadth of England,

bowed to no man but their liege, whose
cry was God and the King, who raised

Henry Tudor to the throne and exiled the
Stuarts. You could have had all that.

And you prefer...

I'm afraid, Figges. Apparently, Dr.
Chang had a hole -in -one today, and

man drinks all right. They say he's now
90 % proof.

It looks as though you're going to have
to have Glover's blood after all. Oh,

no.

How do you feel, Figges?

I don't feel any different.

Oh, you will?

It's a lovely colour, isn't it?

Look at the way it sparkles.

Pity they had to put it in a plastic
bag.

I would expect water for crystal.

It's not going down very fast.

No, that's because his body's savouring
it.

His corpuscles are probably staring at
it in amazement.

I'll get carried away, Archie. I'd
settle for a few more miles to the

That's not four -star petrol figures.
It's the blood of my ancestors.

What were your ancestors like, Archie?

Oh.

Individuals, every one of them. You must
have heard of Mad Jack Glover.

Mad Jack Glover? Oh, yes.

He was the last Earl to be hanged by a
silken rope.

for beating to death three footmen and a
butler.

I don't feel well.

And then, of course, there was Grenville
Glover. He had more of a mechanical

bent. He invented the first man trap.

But the pride of plays goes to hanging
Judge Glover. He executed 55 rebels

the Monmouth Rebellion and then sat down
and ate a hearty breakfast.

The screens!

What's the matter? You'll have to
disconnect me, Doctor. I'm stuck in a

reaction. No, you're not, Biggs.

If you'll allow me a play on words.

You're suffering a reactionary.

Oh,

how's figures this morning, Norman?

Why don't you ask him?

Well, I can't find him. It's almost as
though he's avoiding me.

Perhaps he's tired of thanking you.

Well, I don't want his thanks.

I may have saved his life, but I don't
want his thanks.

I must say, it is a wonderful feeling
being a blood donor, Norman. I can quite

see why it appealed to you.

Look, I may have donated my blood,
Archie, but I never knew who got it, and

did, I certainly wouldn't follow them
around asking how my blood was today.

Now, Norman, we mustn't quarrel.

We blood donors must stick together. I
mean, you may just be an ordinary O, and

I may be an AB negative, but we mustn't
let that come between us. I just wanted

to observe figures, that's all. You see,
since he's had my blood...

I think there's been a change in him.

What sort of a change? Well, he seems
quieter, more dignified.

Hello, Roy.

How are you?

How's the blood this morning?

Fine, thanks.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but
when one's been instrumental in saving

someone's life, one can't help taking an
interest in them. No, I quite

understand, Archie. As a matter of
fact...

I feel a new man.

Oh, bigots.

Those pajamas.

Yeah, exquisite, ain't they? Very nice,
Roy.

Yes, well, I thought I'd cheer myself
up. I had a bad night last night.

Oh, look at those eyes.

Oh, it's the old trouble, I'm afraid.

What trouble?

Didn't you sleep, Roy?

No, tossing and turning all night long.
I've got to face it, Lord, I'm too

sensitive, too highly strung. Figures.
Mother came again last night. What?

All dressed in white she was, and do you
know what she said? Never mind, my son.

Your suffering will soon be over, and
you'll know perfect rest.

How are her feet, figures? Oh, there's
no trouble with her feet, not anymore.

And do you know why, Archie?

Because she had a pair of the...

silk and wings that I have ever seen.

Oh,

lovely, gladioli.

Aren't they beautiful, Archie? Just look
at the perfect symmetry of those

feathers. I didn't know you liked cows,
Dick. Oh, what is life if full of care?

We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs and
stare as long as sheep and cows.

No time to see.

In woods we pass where squirrels hide
their nuts in grass.

Are you taking that? Please, Archie.

No vulgarity.

Are you having a go at me, Figgis?

Having a go at you?

The man who probably saved my life?

What a thing to say.

Silly boy.

It certainly seemed like it. What are
you talking about?

How do you think it's coming, Archie?
What?

The moustache.

H -A -P -P -Y.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y. I'm H -A -P -P
-Y.