Original subtitles

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P -P -Y.

Isn't it nice, Archie?

What's that, Figures? We're able to read in peace and quiet. It's nice, isn't

it?

Yes, Figures.

You can almost hear it, can't you?

What? The silence.

Yes, Figures.

That's the trouble these days. Too much noise, even in hospitals.

In the old days, they used to put straw down in the streets if anyone was ill.

They showed respect.

It's different in here.

If you want to die in peace, you need earmuffs.

I'm trying to read, Figet. Well, you've come to the right place, Archie. You

can't read in that ward, not with Norman. Always wants to talk, always

interrupting. Yes, Figet.

What are you reading, Archie?

War and Peace.

It's a big book to read.

Tolstoy, isn't it? Yes, Tolstoy. Always wrote big books, Tolstoy.

That one was his life's work, bit of a challenge.

Expect to finish it.

I hope to, figures.

Oh, well, that shows a confidence in the future. I must say, knowing the

reputation of this place, I'd have chosen a slimmer volume.

It's funny, I've known lots of people who've started War and Peace. I've never

met anyone who's actually finished it. I wonder why that is.

Because people like you keep interrupting them, figures. I'm sorry,

won't say another word.

Do you mind if I have the radio on? Yes, we do mind. We're trying to have a

quiet read.

What do you want it on for, anyway?

It's Victoria Plumtree's half hour. I want to listen to it.

Victoria Plumtree, do me a favour. She's rubbish.

Not even the real radio. It's only the hospital.

It's all right for requests.

She can't even get that right. What about that poor devil in geriatrics? She

finally played his request to keep right on to the end of the road. He'd been

dead three days.

She hasn't got the training. She's only a staff nurse.

She goes swallowing around here like Gene Chalice.

Well, I think she does a good job. Well, go and listen to her on the headphones.

Oh, I can't, Fig. Why not?

I don't like things plugged in my ears. All those sound waves coming straight

into your brain and no way to escape.

Suppose there was a sudden surge. It could blast your eardrum.

Oh, it couldn't. Your eardrums are stronger than that. I knew a bloke once

had a cherry stone in his ear that size.

And it germinated.

Didn't do him any harm.

Oh, go on, let me listen.

Why should we? Well, you see, I've made a request.

What sort of request?

I've requested, don't it make my brown eyes blue?

Oh, have you? Well, you're wasting your time. They haven't played mine yet, have

they? You've got to have influence. That radio's run for the benefit of the

hospital staff.

The patients don't even get a look in. Well, I won't know unless I listen, will

I? Well, put it on, Norman. There's so much noise in here, a bit more won't

any difference.

As I was walking down the hillside, I noticed our faithful victor rooting

the hedgerow where Brock the Badger had passed a few minutes before. I know that

voice. Imagine my surprise when he returned, carrying in his mouth, with

infinite and tender care, a baby hedgehog. My God, it's Thorpe! I

him for this abduction and returned the surprised infant to a forensic Mrs.

Tiggiewinkle who was snuffing against the leaves.

I thus departed, heart uplifted by my good deed.

Homeward to a blazing fire and warm succulent crumpet.

What a load of rubbish. What's he rabbiting on about?

It's on every night. It's called a walk with my dog.

Thank you, Gordon.

That was simply enthralling.

I must say, I do enjoy those walks with your dog.

I feel as though I've been out under the hedgerows with you myself.

Listen to her buttering him up. And now I'd like to play just for you.

One of your favourites. I've gone and married young, young... What did I tell

you? Gilbert and bloody Sullivan!

You won't get down with my cryonized blue!

I've asked for I recall a gypsy woman weeks ago and I'm still waiting. And you

know why?

Because she's too busy paying requests for the hospital staff.

What's he doing up there anyway, spurting all that codswallop? He should

here on the wards looking after the patients. He's not up there, Fig. He's

tape. No, he's not on tape. He's up there. I can hear him breathing.

He's squeezing her knee right now.

Taking advantage of her while the record's playing. I reckon he fancies

What do you think? Oh, hello, Doctor.

I think I'll catch it on the headphones.

I've just come to see if the patients have any record requests, Gupta.

Of course, Victoria.

I wonder if you've thought any more about my little request.

What was that, Gupta?

A program of my own, late at night.

Songs for swinging lovebirds.

Old ones, new ones, sad ones, neglected ones.

And Gupta.

Alone at the microphone in the wee small hours of the morning.

It's quarter to three.

No one in the place except you and me.

Set them up, Joe.

One for my baby.

One more for the road.

Yes.

That's very tempting, Gupta.

But we do go off the air at 10 .30.

committee about it.

Now, Norman, would you like us to play a request for you? What about me? I've

been waiting longer than he has. In a moment, Mr. Figgis. Well, Norman. I've

already requested something, but it wasn't played.

Well, we'll try again then, shall we? What was it you wanted us to play for

Don't it make my brown eyes blue? Oh, what a lovely thought, Norman.

How romantic, and with just a hint of sadness.

A wry comment on the bittersweet quality of life.

I suppose you'd like us to dedicate it to someone, Norman.

Yes. I thought so.

I'd like to dedicate it to my mother.

Oh.

And Aunty Freda and Uncle George and Granny Bins. Oh, and George and Emily at

number 49.

The man who delivers the paper, the one with the bad leg, not the other one. All

at the post office.

Uncle Joe and Aunty Maud in Australia.

Australia?

What's he playing at, they won't hear? It's not two -way family favourites.

supposed to be with people in hospital.

I'd also like to dedicate it to Royston Figgis in the next bed. Thanks for being

a great mate while I've been in hospital, Roy. And Archie Glover and

Gupta and Mr Thorpe and all of the gang in the operating theatre. They had me in

stitches.

And all the kitchen staff. Keep the boiled fish rolling, girls.

Thank you. Oh, and everyone in physiotherapy and the porters and the

staff. Right. Oh, and not forgetting you, Victoria, and all on hospital

Good grief.

I think that's all.

Are you sure you haven't left anyone out? There's no one in Kuala Lumpur you

want to mention.

We don't want to upset anyone, do we? Thank you, Norman.

Now then, what was it you wanted us to play, Mr Figgins? I keep telling you I

recall a gypsy woman, but you keep saying you haven't got it. Well, we've

some trouble...

Finding that one. Now, how did it go again? How did it go? It's a very well

-known song.

I recall a gypsy woman, silver spangles in her eyes. Or was it her hair?

Something against the moonlight of marble, I think, or of ivory. I recall a

gypsy... You see, you've kept me waiting so long, I've forgotten what she looks

like. We'll see what we can do, Mr. Higgins. You're wanted on the phone,

Victoria.

I'll be back in a moment.

Thank you, Captain.

You're not very good, is she?

If you're not descriptive enough, that's the trouble.

You see, you've got to paint word pictures.

They can't see it. It's not like television.

You've got to create an atmosphere.

And how would you do it? I'll show you. Do you know how to work it? Of course I

know how to work it. I can use a tape recorder. I'm not stupid.

Now I am standing in Ward 3.

At the moment, all is quiet.

No groans, no shrieks of pain that usually echo round these walls.

All is still.

But for emaciated fingers plucking at the sheets, but soft, someone

A cool, sophisticated figure enters.

Oh, I wish this was television listeners.

Archie Glover, for it is he, is wearing a dressing gown of the purest silk, in

daring shades of green and yellow, beautifully complementing the buttercup

pyjamas and the spotty hanky. Perhaps I can persuade him to say a few words.

Hello, Archie. I wonder if you have a request.

Yes, Figgis, drop dead.

Archie, please!

Your voice is going over the airwaves. Let's have a little control.

Oh, sorry, Figgis. And what are you reading, Archie?

War and Peace.

War and Peacelessness.

Leo Tolstoy's immortal epic. And how many pages, Archie? 1 ,274. 1

,274, ladies and gentlemen, and he intends to finish it. How about that for

application and devotion? And perhaps we can show our appreciation by playing a

record for you, Archie.

Yes. The 1812 Overture by Tchaikovsky.

An appropriate choice. And would you like it played by the Moscow

with authentic cannons and bells?

Yes, I'd like that. So would I, but we haven't got it.

Perhaps you could tell a joke instead.

Well, I could say some poetry.

Excellent.

It's a little something by Wordsworth, which means it's a great deal to me.

I wandered lonely as a cloud that floats on high over valen hills, when all at

once I saw a crowd, a host of golden daffodils, beside the lake beneath the

trees, fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Very good, Archie. Would you like to hear that play back?

Well, yes, if it's not too much trouble. No trouble at all.

I can't hear anything. That's funny. There must be something wrong with your

voice. There's nothing wrong with my voice.

You know what the trouble is? What? You've left the pause button on. What?

I might have known you couldn't use the damn thing. Look, will you stop wasting

my time, Figgis? You made a mess of that thing. I just have skin problems,

Norman. I'm not sorry, actually. I wasn't satisfied with it.

Archie was too stilted. I reckon if you're going to get good, off -the -cuff

comments, you've got to do it without them knowing it.

Good day.

out there.

Where are those damn porters?

You don't sound very pleased with the porters today, Mr. Thorne.

Porters? The biggest bunch of layabouts has been my misfortune to come across.

Half of them are bone -eyed, and the other half are under doctor's orders not

lift anything.

Trouble is, they don't have enough to do. They're overstaffed. It's four to a

stretcher now.

And if you complain to admin, they won't do anything about it. Why should they?

They're more overstaffed than the porters.

I thought, complaining to the...

Chairman of the hospital board, but he's an idiot.

Meanwhile, the hospital's going to the dogs. The food's abominable. The kitchen

staff appear to have been trained under Lucretia Borgia.

The cleaning staff leave a lot to be desired.

No, tannins are dropping everywhere.

Oh, hello, Gordon. Hello, Victoria.

I have to go to theatre.

Are you coming my way?

Why not? I'm not doing anything important here.

I shan't be able to do any more recording today.

have you figured?

And chance would be a fine thing.

Yes, enough figures.

Gordon, I must say, I'm so looking forward to your little talk this

Not half as much as we are.

May I join you, Mr. Parr? Of course, Gupta.

I thought I'd just sit here and listen to my talk. I like to see the enjoyment

of people's faces.

That is what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, I would like to speak on

the radio.

It's been a great ambition of mine. And you have a flair for it. Perhaps you

could help me. Well, I'd like to, Gupta, but I'm afraid broadcasters are born,

not made.

Porters are the biggest bunch of blabbers.

Words have to be heard to apply in college, need to be to the point,

only one interpretation. And, of course, the whole time one has to exercise

great discretion.

which the bone of all the kitchen staff appear to be trained.

Stop it. Switch it off. There's been a mistake.

I can explain.

But it wasn't my fault. You must have left the tape on. Nonsense.

I believe that you were deliberately trying to sabotage the whole programme.

You've never liked it, have you? On the contrary, Victoria.

It means a great deal to us.

You ask Norman.

He falls asleep listening to your voice.

Yes, I love the way your voice goes soft and low after the lights go out and the

way you say, good night, sleep tight.

It's as if your head's beside me on the pillow.

If you know what I mean.

Yes, we look forward to it. You see, you're our sort of fireside girl,

You remind us of our loved ones at home.

The blazing hearth, carpet slippers, children playing.

It means a great deal to us.

Oh, I didn't realise.

Oh, yes, and we'd like to help.

Help? Yes, we'd like to do one or two interviews round the wards with the

patients, show their point of view and how well they get on with the hospital

staff. That's a wonderful idea, Mr Higgins.

I didn't realise you were so interested.

Perhaps you'd like to borrow the recorder, get a few on -the -spot

Oh, we'd love to.

Splendid. I'll leave it with you.

Fireside girl.

How awfully sweet.

How about that, Archie? Put that book down. We need you.

Thank you, Figgis. I don't want to get involved.

It's bound to be a fiasco.

Not if you help us.

You see, that's what we need, someone with a bit of polish.

And who better to interview the more sensitive women patients than the

Wynne of men's surgical... Oh, you know how good you are with women, Archie.

What about it?

Well, if you put it like that, Figgis, perhaps I could give it a whirl.

Well,

listeners, here I am in maternity to witness in your behalf...

The birth of a baby. I cannot tell you how excited I am to be privy to what can

only be described as a miracle of nature.

Our mother -to -be is very near her time. There's a great deal of bustle and

excitement. She's already called for gas and air. The nurses are dashing to and

fro. Words of encouragement are being uttered.

Ah, I think it's almost time. The baby seems to be arriving. I'm going through

now to witness on your behalf this most wonderful moment in a young woman's

life. I'm going through now.

something new every day.

This is Archie Glover in labour returning to the studio.

Thank you. Maybe just cut through that layer but rather not into

there.

Here we are inside the operating room.

This is where it's all going to happen. This is where all the questions are

going to be asked this afternoon.

Gordon Thorpe is leading the team at quantity line of Callister and Singh.

a good line -up, although there is a question mark over Thorpe's fitness.

But you can't deny they've had a very good season so far. They haven't lost a

patient since the first week in September.

Thorpe's team is a green stick for patients in white.

How are you going to approach this one, Gordon?

You expect any problems?

I beg your pardon?

Figures! Are you going to go for the big one, straight for goal, or are your

tactics going to be exploratory? Get this man out of here! This could turn

nasty. I think I'm getting the yellow card now. No, I'm instant.

we can continue now, gentlemen.

What's the matter, Faith?

She didn't like it.

Apparently there's been complaints. We're supposed to have interfered with

smooth running of the hospital. This hospital couldn't run smoothly if it was

ball bearings.

You know how you feel, figure.

It is professional jealousy.

I've been practising for months, but they will not let me use that

They will not give me a chance.

Well, I think it's disgraceful, and the thought of Thorpe giving his dog another

walk tonight is more than flesh and blood can stand.

All we can hope is they both fall down a mineshaft.

You won't have to listen to them tonight, Fig. They're off air on

What? Norman's right. There's no -one there. This is when I usually go in and

practise my technique.

Wait a minute.

You mean you've got the keys to the studio?

Oh, yes.

They allow me to operate the equipment, but they will not let me broadcast.

Well, I've got news for you, Gupta. You're broadcasting tonight.

What? Well, that's the answer, isn't it? Why don't we go down there and do it

ourselves?

You mean play the tape, Roy? Damn the tape. Let's do it live.

Oh, I don't know about that. Oh, come on, Archie. Don't you want to do an in

-depth interview with an exciting, colourful personality who can give you a

lowdown on the health service?

Who's that? Me!

And now over to Archie Glover, who is doing an in -depth interview with an

anonymous patient who shall remain nameless.

Take it away, Archie. Thank you, Ram, and good evening.

I'm sitting next to a patient who cannot reveal his name for fear of reprisals,

so I shall refer to him as Mr.

Eck. This is the part where, week by week, we hope to bring in the more

controversial aspects of hospital life.

Subjects such as doctors, have they a drink problem?

Hospital food, a new source of chamonella? But we start off this week

nurses. Where are they when you need them?

Mr. Eck, perhaps you'd like to give us your views on this matter.

Certainly, Archie.

It's been my experience while in this hospital that if you want anything in

middle of the night, you get no attention whatsoever.

You can ring that bell until your fingers drop off. They're either fast

or chatting up the house.

Take, for example, the other night.

I was lying in my bed of pain, dying for a cup of tea, parched about three in

the morning. I couldn't get any answer from the bell.

I struggled down there and found they were holding a party.

All I was offered was an invitation to the waltz and a vodka and tonic.

Quite frankly, I didn't think it was good enough.

Thank you, Mr. X. Well, these are very serious accusations, but there are two

sides to every question, so we're now going down to the ward for an on -the

-spot report from our roving reporter, Norman Binns. Come in, Norman. Thank

Archie. Well, I've just left the ward, silent after the noise and bustles of

day. All is still except for the occasional stirring of a restless

I am now going to interview the night nurse who keeps a lonely vigil over

sleeping figures. A slim woman in a lilac tunic, she sits under a pool of

ready for any emergency.

Ah!

I see the doctor is with her. He's obviously been summoned hurriedly from

bed to help with a sick patient. I think we may catch a moment of drama here.

We'll listen in.

Switch the light off, Victoria.

Oh, Gordon, you mustn't. I can't help myself.

You shouldn't have come, my sweet. I don't care anymore, Victoria.

You've been drinking.

And to give myself courage for this.

I want to say something. No, don't say it, Gordon. Let me kiss you again.

I'm on duty. Oh, you little fool, who's going to know? Your lips are like

nectar.

No, no, this isn't the public interest.

It certainly is now. Well, it's better than a walk with his dog anyway.

This is the real Gordon Paul. We can't listen to this. Well, tell me your ears

up. I want to know how it finishes.

Gordon, Gordon.

I've been waiting so long. How did you know?

I could see it in your eyes.

I could feel it in my heart. Oh, Victoria, is this true or am I dreaming?

Gordon, this is bliss.

Gordon, what's that?

What?

Poking through the door.

What?

It's a microphone.

My God!

Discovered! Well, I think that proves the night staff are well and truly on

their toes. It's normal...

to the strains of the 1812 Overture. And this one is complete with cannons and

bells, and it's for Archie Glover of Men's Surgery. It's all right.

It's all right.

Don't panic. Lock the door and push the cupboard against it.

Well, brothers and sisters, radio -free fitness is going off the air. Already

the forces of reaction are at the door. But we shall rise again like the phoenix

from the ashes.

Nations, nations, and the cause of freedom shall not perish from the earth.

Make safety be wise.