All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s03e05 Accident

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

Don't do it, Archie! Doctors have been
wrong before now and life is a precious

gift. I'll ring the Samaritan. Oh, shut
up, Figgis. There's been an accident.

Terrific crash right outside the
hospital.

It's over now. You've missed it.

Where have you been?

Exercising the porters. Whip it.

Now I've got my legs back, I thought I'd
better use them.

Well, they haven't been racing against
him, have you, Figgis? No, I've been

walking him through the grounds.

At least I've been getting some fresh
air in me lungs.

It's what you could do with Archie
instead of staring out of that window

day. I'm not interested in whippets,
Figgis, particularly that one. Anyway,

he'll never win a race. He's got the
mange.

He hasn't got the mange.

Now, what are all those ball spots?

They're not ball spots.

Well, the other dogs have bit him.

They're jealous of his speed.

Speed? He's only had one race and he
finished last.

Well, that wasn't his fault. He put his
foot in a piece of chewing gum just when

they started.

Poor little devil was stuck to the
ground and he had three good legs.

I wonder if he finished it all.

Don't you worry.

His turn will come.

We haven't heard the last of Throbbing
Gristle.

Throbbing Gristle?

What a name.

It's very descriptive. That's what he's
like when he's moving. Throbbing

Gristle.

He's getting a real turn of speed,
Archie. You should have been there.

No, you should have been here, Figgis.
Terrific collision. You missed a real

treat. Oh, have I, Archie? Much blood,
was there? Anything particularly

to report? Could you hear the cries of
the wounded? What are you getting at,

Figgis? Only that after the pure animal
joy of exercising a whippet, I find your

interest in road accidents rather
macabre.

You and Norman watched those ambulances
arrive like a couple of vultures.

I wasn't watching, Figgis. I just heard
this loud bang, so I went across to

look.

This yobbo had come down the hospital
road in a souped -up banger doing, I

know what, some incredible speed and
went straight into the side of this

Oh, wait a minute. If you weren't
watching, how do you know he was doing

incredible speed?

Well, you could tell just by looking at
him. Leather jacket, cowboy boots and a

medallion. Absolute retro.

I feel sorry for the chap in the Jag.

Well, of course you do. That's your
class solidarity coming out.

You know, you've got to try and free
yourself of this irrational prejudices,

Archie. What about your irrational
prejudices? You can't stand chaps who

in shirt sleeves and have Kleenex
tissues in the back.

Precisely. None of us is impartial.
Well, you didn't see the blighter when

got him out. He was reeling and
staggering.

He'd just been in a car crash, Archie.
What do you expect him to be doing? And

stands. Well, I think he was on drugs or
drink or both. He was lucky to get away

with a few cuts and bruises. Of course,
there may have been something internal.

That's right. Let's look on the bright
side.

Well, at least it happened right outside
a hospital.

Thorpe and Gupta were on the spot almost
at once. Yeah, well, business has been

a bit slack just lately, hasn't it?

It's no joking matter, Figgis. Of course
it isn't.

And come away from that window, for
God's sake. We'll get enough of that

Norman comes in.

He sits in that garden watching the
crossroads and doing his basket weaving

one of those old ladies round the
guillotine.

Know what I've just seen? What did I
tell you? You mean the car crash. I was

looking at it from the window.

From the window? I was there.

Well, what happened, Norman?

I don't think I can tell you, Fig. I've
had my name and address taken. I shall

probably be a witness for the Crown. So
until then, the matter is subdued to

see. Oh, come on, Norman, you can tell
us. No, I'm afraid not. All I can say is

that the whole scene is indelibly
engraved on my mind. Just don't ask me

about it, that's all. I can't tell you
what happened. We don't want to know

happened. Just tell us whose fault it
was.

That is for the court to decide.

I know whose fault it was.

I don't know why they allow cars like
that on the road. They're probably held

together with string.

Oh, hello.

We've just been talking about the crash.

Did you see it? A maniac in a hot rod
rammed a Jaguar.

How do chaps like that get licences?
That's what I want to know.

That was me.

Oh, was it?

Well, that's your bed over there. Can
you manage?

Of course I can manage. There's nothing
wrong with me.

Nothing wrong with him.

He's out on his feet.

Probably on his way home from an all
-night party.

I wouldn't be surprised if we didn't get
the breathalyser in here before long.

What did I tell you?

Here's the fuzz.

Now, these are someone's garden.

Yours, I believe.

Seven. They're supposed to be lucky.

Not for me, they weren't.

Well, Ronnie, if you will hang them from
the windscreen and obscure your vision.

How do you know my name?

That was on the windscreen as well, what
was left of it.

Along with Maureen.

We're not looking for Maureen, are we?
No.

It's not Ronnie and Maureen any more.

Lucky for her, she could have ended up
the same as the dyke.

I wasn't going fast.

Weren't you?

This isn't the first time we've had
words, is it, Ronnie?

I've had to stop you before and warn you
about speeding.

In fact, I remember giving you some
sound advice about your future behaviour

what happened.

You drove away with my gauntlets.

Look, I wasn't speeding. I was flowing
down.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

First, you'd better tell me what
happened.

He doesn't have to answer any questions,
not in his condition.

Who are you, sir? It's a listener.

This is hospital mate, not a courtroom.
How do you know he's spitting off to

answer questions?

He's only got a few bruises. You don't
know that. I suggest until you've had

results of his X -ray, you go off and
catch a few burglars.

That wouldn't be very easy, sir. You
see, I'm in traffic control.

That doesn't give you the right to hound
a motorist in his bed. Would you mind

keeping out of this, sir? What if I
don't? What are you going to do,

to the bed rail?

I must say, the idea does have a certain
appeal, but I don't think that'll be

necessary.

Ronnie looks fit enough to me. How do
you know he hasn't got concussion?

Oh, come on, sir, please. No, I wasn't
speeding. I was going to outpatients for

treatment.

Now I'm in here with concussion.

Only wink as I had a rash on the back of
me hand.

It was this twit in a Jaguar he pulled
straight out in front of me and I didn't

stand a chance. Of course you didn't.
Oh, Doctor, I'm glad you've come here

in time to prevent a miscarriage.

We usually do that in maternity figures.

I mean a miscarriage of justice, Doctor.
This is the lad who was involved in

that accident with that twit and a
jaguar. Twit and a jaguar? That was me,

figures.

Now, get back to bed and let me examine
the patient.

I was wondering, sir, if he was fit to
make a statement.

I don't see why not, officer. Let's have
a look at him.

Oh, my God, not you again.

Now, don't be apprehensive, Ronnie. No
hard feelings. I'm a doctor first and a

motorist second. How many fingers?

Two. And I don't like the way you're
holding them.

Seems all right to me. I don't see why
you shouldn't make a statement. But I've

got a headache.

Of course you've got a headache. You hit
my car like a guided missile.

I wasn't speeding.

Words, speeding.

You're just a blur coming down that
road.

Fortunately, you don't have to take my
word for it.

Gupta was in the car with me.

Same. What was your impression, sir? Mr.
Topp is quite blameless.

He's a very good driver.

The other car was going too fast, in my
opinion.

Yes, in your opinion, but let's face it,
you're not used to English traffic.

A bullock cart would seem fast to you.

That is true.

I do not like the traffic here. I prefer
to walk, but Mr. Thorpe stopped and

kindly offered me a lift. Where was
that?

Just outside the hospital where those
two yellow lines are drawn.

Say, what happened next?

Mr. Thorpe was very careful. He checks
the mirror.

She looks out of the window.

Nothing is coming. Then he puts his hand
out of the window to indicate and says,

Hang on to your hat, Gupta. Here we go.

Then there is a time when my head is hit
on the window.

Hang on to your hat, Gupta.

Here we go. Yes, well, Gupta, I don't
think we need chapter and verse.

On the contrary, sir, I think we might
need even more than that. Yeah, well, so

do I, but that's all we've got.

What a pity there weren't any other
witnesses.

Oh, but there is. The young man over
there, he witnessed the whole thing.

What? Yeah. In fact, I was just about to
take his statement.

Well, no, I can't allow that. Not just
at the moment. He's still undergoing

treatment. See the high colour, the red
spots on the cheeks?

Feverish, yes.

Highly excitable. You'll have to wait
till he calms down.

Could I have a word?

Incompetent. What is it, Glover? Well, I
don't think there's any need to take a

statement. I think that we could settle
this matter here and now.

I can smell alcohol.

I believe you're right. Now you mention
it, so can I.

I wonder, sir, could you ask him to blow
into this for me?

Certainly. Ronnie, I wonder if you'd
mind blowing into this bag for the

just to show you weren't drinking before
the accident.

No, no, I don't trust those things.

Well, they're very dependable. It's a
mere formality.

You can't expect me to blow into that.

I haven't got the strength. I'm thick.

You're not too thick to blow into a bag.

All you have to do is prove it to your
lips and give it a good, sharp blow.

Look, just like this.

See, there's nothing to it.

Excuse me, sir. Yes, what is it?

The crystals will change colours.

What's happening now, Figgett? Ronnie's
down in X -ray and Thorpe's drinking

gallons of water.

Do you think Thorpe's the secret
drinker? More than probable.

Often happens to professional men.

Pillars of the community.

It's the pressure.

Figgett, if Thorpe drank, he wouldn't be
able to do his job properly. That's

what I mean.

We always thought it was incompetence.

Of course, there were signs. Every time
he leans over me, I swear I can hear the

clink of hip flask. My music teacher was
like that. She led a perfectly normal

life. Never a hint that anything was
wrong. Well, except that sometimes she

slammed the lid down while I was
playing.

Then I started to find these whiskey
bottles in the piano stall.

You see, Archie, you can never go by
appearances.

Thought was over the limit. And what
he's come through with flying colour.

the whole thing, Norman.

I can't tell you how delighted I am to
know that I've got a witness of your

calibre. After 30 years of blameless
motoring, that means something.

Yes, Doctor?

Now, tell me, Norman, what exactly did
you see?

I can't discuss that, Mr Thorpe. After
all, you're involved.

Well, of course not, but he was going
too far, wasn't he? You saw him.

He was speeding. I didn't have a chance,
did I?

Come on, you little pig! Tell me what
you saw!

Are you trying to tamper with a witness,
Doctor? Of course not. Good, because

you're in enough trouble as it is.

I don't think so. I think the officer
accepted my explanation. I simply had a

drink when I got back into the hospital
to calm my nerves. Oh, yes? Well, I

don't think you're out of the wood yet.
And if he wants a blood sample, I

suggest you take it out of your big toe.

With any luck, it won't be down there
yet. I don't think that'll be necessary,

Figgins. I keep telling you it was not
my fault. What exactly did happen,

Doctor? Well, I... Face me that
wheelchair, Glover, and I'll show you.

be my car.

Hey, wait a minute, Norman, you grab
that one, I'll be Ronnie.

Now, I was coming out like this.

Right, now, I'm coming down the road.
Show me exactly what happened. Right,

figures.

When are you going to get started? I'll
be by you in a minute.

What are you waiting for, Glover? I
haven't released the handbrake.

All right, smarty.

These precautions, I'm amazed you
managed to win each other at all. Yes,

you're not going fast enough.

Change cars and I'll show you.

Right, Norman, come on now, go faster
this time.

Faster, Norman, you can go faster.
Norman!

My God, not you again.

Mr Thorpe's got to take another
breathalyser in 20 minutes. Did you hear

Norman? Sounds as if it could come to
court.

You could be the star witness.

Do you think so? I've always wanted to
take part in a real courtroom drama. I'm

quite looking forward to it. Well, I'm
not. When you've been in as many

courtroom dramas as what I have, they
tend to lose their fascination.

They'll tear you to shreds in there.

They won't do that, will they, Fig? Of
course not, as long as you keep a clear

head. A clear head? A good barrister
would make mincemeat out of him. All

got to do is tell the truth.

Ah, but the truth is a subject that has
perplexed philosophers through the ages.

I know what I saw.

And I...

There's no reason to doubt you, Norman.

You were sitting in the garden with an
uninterrupted view of the road when Mr

Thorpe pulled out sharply into the
traffic.

Well, yes, I suppose so.

Objection. You're leading the witness.
Objection overruled.

You said, I suppose so. Now, I don't
want you to say anything you don't mean,

but remember, accidents don't just
happen, they are caused, and it's quite

natural to speculate, but speculation is
not proof.

On the other hand, you are a very
observant young man. You always win at I

I've noticed that.

And honest, haven't you got an O level
in divinity?

Yes. Did you hear that, gentlemen?

An O level in divinity.

How many people can say that?

Now, I want you to tell me, in your own
words, exactly what happened when

Mr Thorpe pulled out sharply.

You're doing it again.

You can't really blame Mr Thorpe. He was
distracted.

Oh, and what makes you think he was
distracted?

He was waving to this girl across the
road.

What girl?

She had a tight white sweater, blue
miniskirt, white boots and a ponytail.

Oh, yes, I've seen her. She's nice,
isn't she?

And are you suggesting that Mr Thorpe
was ogling her?

Well... It looked like it. Of course it
did. What we have here, gentlemen, is

the hidden statistic.

How many accidents have been caused, I
wonder, by the unexpected glimpse of a

well -filled sweater? And we all know Mr
Thorpe's weakness in that respect.

I put it to you that he came out of the
Red Lion, his blood already inflamed by

alcohol, copped this girl across the
road and flipped his lid.

He drove off.

His eyes standing out on stalks straight
into the path of my client's car.

No further questions.

I rest my case.

My witness.

Now... Norman.

Let's take it step by step, shall we?

You've known Mr Thorpe for some time.

Yeah. Have you ever known him the worst
for drink?

No. Would you consider him the sort of
man who is indifferent to the life and

safety of another human being?

Well, no.

Do you think that a man who has spent
his life making people fit and well so

that they can leave hospital to lead a
normal and useful life would spend his

leisure hours trying to put them back
into casualty?

Of course not.

Do you drive a car yourself, Norman?

No, but I'm taking lessons.

Taking lessons.

And yet you say that Mr Thorpe pulled
out sharply this from a non -driver, a

who on his own admission wouldn't know
one car from another and who has never

pulled anything out sharply or otherwise
and

who knows nothing of the refinements of
power -assisted steering.

I put it to you, Norman, that Mr Thorpe
was carrying out a perfectly sensible

manoeuvre and that it was your attention
that was distracted by the young lady.

No. Then why can you manage to describe
her so minutely?

I'm observant. And what was Mr Thorpe
wearing?

A suit, I think. A suit?

You think?

What day is it today, Norman?

Uh, Tuesday.

It's Wednesday, Norman.

You're not a very reliable witness, are
you? Did you really see the accident,

Norman? I put it to you that you did
not, that you don't even know which day

occurred, that the sight of that girl
drove all other thoughts from your mind,

and now, due to some desire for cheap
notoriety or some dissatisfaction with

your medical treatment, you are
determined to malign an honourable

medical profession.

No! I try to put it to you that you are
a liar and that the whole of your

testimony is a complete fabrication.

I am not a liar! Don't prevaricate, sir.
Answer the question.

Yes or no? Yes!

No. What was the question? I've
forgotten.

That is not all. You've forgotten.
You've forgotten that it is your

your evidence alone that could send an
innocent man to prison.

Oh, heavens!

Very nice piece of cross -examination,
Archie.

Thank you, Roy.

Please be calm, Mr. Topp. I'm sure
there's nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about?

Hang on to your hat, Gupta. Here we go.

What a witness you turned out to be.

No wonder he's suspicious.

But you have nothing to fear. You're
innocent.

That's right.

I'm innocent. What have I got to worry
about? I must remember that.

What is it, Norman?

All I wanted to say, Mr Thorpe, was that
I never wanted to send you to prison.

What? But I must tell the truth, mustn't
I? You wouldn't want me to commit

perjury. My God.

What are you going to tell them?

Well, it was about waving to that girl
across the road.

You mean the one with the ponytail and
the white boots, but I barely noticed

her.

I was indicating to move out. I wasn't
waving.

No, you weren't waving, Mr Thorpe. You
were drowning.

Don't you start thinking I tell you it
wasn't my fault. It was an accident.

There is no such thing as a pure
accident. It's always somebody's fault.

Perhaps it's some sort of death wish.

I do not have a death wish. It was his
fault. He was speeding. Ask Gupta.

Yes, I was coming to that. I thought
Gupta seemed rather nervous when he was

making his statement, as if he was
trying to hide something.

Of course I was nervous. I'd just been
in an accident.

I hate the traffic here. I wish I'd
never got into that car. I didn't want

Because Mr Thorpe had been drinking?

No, you don't understand.

Gupta's Hindu.

To him, all life is sacred.

He made me stop last week while three
sparrows were having a dust bath in the

road. That's not it.

What are you trying to hide, Booktown?

I'm not hiding anything. I saw the car
through the back window. It was coming

too fast.

Well, that surprises me because I went
to have a look at that car. What were

blood donor stickers, three packets of
tissues, a set of golf clubs? I'm amazed

you could see anything.

You must have noticed something. I
distinctly remember him grabbing the

Grabbing the wheel?

I'm sorry, my friend. Figures is right.
I did not see the car.

I've deceived you. It's all my fault. I
caused the accident.

I grabbed the wheel because of the dog.
What dog?

A half -starved dog with bare patches
that ran out in front of you.

You made me swerve because of a dog?

That dog could have been your
grandmother.

My grandmother said, Harrogate, Gupta.

Typical of you. You swerve to avoid a
dog and knock down a dozen pedestrians.

You're right, Gupta. There was a dog. I
remember seeing it running away. It was

throbbing cripple.

Waters Whippet, you were exercising it,
weren't you, Fig? Well, yes.

You said you'd have another lead. Well,
now I'll let it off for a run. You said

it all. You're a busy road. I'll be gone
for a minute.

You know what you said, Fig, is there's
no such thing as a pure accident.

I think we've found the culprit.

You mean Throbbing Gristle?

No, I mean you, Fig.

Would

you

blow into the bag once more, sir?

But here... If you would.

If you'd just dispose of the minto
first.

Ah, you appear to be clear, sir.

You mean there'll be no charge?

Oh, go sir, of course there won't be any
charge for that.

That just leaves parking on a double
yellow line, driving without due care

attention, and failure to display an up
-to -date excise licence. Apart from

that, you're in the clear.

Of course, it's not for me to decide.
That'll be up to the Chief Constable.

Cold, Jeff. It's full.

Not exactly. There is the question of
exceeding the speed limit.

I wasn't going fast.

There were no brake marks.

Ronnie, there were no brakes.

There was also play in the... Steering,
a ball -front tyre and an insecure roof

rack. Look, just because I've got an old
car, there's no need to be vindictive.

He's right. The state of that traffic
out there, that accident could have

happened to anyone.

No, sir.

Accidents are avoidable.

I've been in traffic for ten years.
Never had a scratch. That's because

everybody gives you a wide berth.

Now, don't blame them. You never miss a
chance to persecute the motorist, do

you? On the contrary, sir, one of the
worst aspects of this case is the way a

pet was allowed to run unrestricted on a
public highway.

I shall be informing the chief constable
of that as well, sir.

Good day.

Good day.

Oh, he's left his gauntlets.

Oh, quickly, Gutter, before he thinks
we've stolen them.

You told him.

Well, he wanted a statement, Roy. I had
to tell the truth. Well, couldn't you

have bent it a bit? He's a regular
little George Washington, isn't he? You

what you are?

You're a grass.

I just hope that you can live with it,
that's all.

But it was my public duty, Roy. Don't
you talk to me! In fact, after this, I

doubt if anyone will talk to you again.

You can carry your duty too far.

And come away from that window, you've
caused enough trouble.

He's in a hurry.

Of course he is. He can't wait to get
down there and file his report.

Thanks to you.

Hey, look out!

What's happened?

He's just hit an ambulance.

Is he hurt?

He's limping a bit.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. What's a tragedy?

Oh, that's spoiled his record.

It certainly has. He was going out of
the no -exit gate.

What?

And you saw him?

Where are you going?

I'm keeping out of the way. I'm not
going to be a witness again. What are

talking about? What about your public
duty?

Come on.

We're going to give him your name and
address.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am. I'm still I am. I'm H -A -P
-P -Y.

Oh, yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.