All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s03e03 The Right Honourable Gentleman

I'm H -A -P -P -Y, I'm H -A -P -P -Y,

I know I am, I'm sure I am, I'm H -A -P
-P

-Y. I know I am, I'm sure I am, he's H
-A -P -P -Y.

Who's that man for, Gupta?

Very important person.

I wondered why he was getting the clean
sheets.

An important person?

I wonder if I know him. I've never met a
really important person. I don't know.

What about Archie?

I'm not important, figures.

Unusual, yes, but not important.

I suppose I'm just someone that you
don't easily forget.

You're right there, Archie. Not tried.

Mark, I'm not saying that I couldn't
have been important. Of course I could.

It's just that I didn't get the breaks,
that's all.

Fortune's never smiled on Archie Glover.
If it had, that bed could have been

mine. I shouldn't worry about it,
Archie. He can't be that important,

he wouldn't be coming on this ward.

As you know, he's going to take his own
stitches out, Gupta.

He's quiet, he is.

You don't want that kind of talk in
front of our team.

Who is he, Gupty?

Member of Parliament.

A member of Parliament?

What's he doing in here? Why doesn't he
have a private room?

He doesn't want any special treatment.
He wants to be in a public ward with the

common people.

Oh, well, that tells me everything.

He's a phony.

What makes you think that? Why shouldn't
he suffer with the rest of us? He may

be a Member of Parliament, but don't
forget we put him there.

Well, you may have done figures. I
certainly didn't.

He'd probably arrive in a cloth cap and
boots and expect us to call him Fred.

Well, what's wrong with that?

I know these champagne socialists. They
preach equality and send their sons to

Harrow. Well, why shouldn't his son go
to Harrow? Thought you didn't approve of

that sort of thing. Well, that's where
you're wrong, Norman. I don't believe in

levelling down. I believe in levelling
up.

I think everybody should go to Harrow.
Well, that's impossible, Fitz. Why is

Well, it'll put a terrible strain on the
school toilets, for one thing.

You know your trouble, Norman. You're
politically naive. We've got to fight

capitalism with its own weapons. Why
should they have the benefits of a

education? I hadn't thought of it like
that.

Well, of course you hadn't. You don't
understand.

What you are, Norman, is a blank page
waiting to be written on by life.

Well, I don't think life's got it right
very much, except possibly Norman Binns

failed.

What do you mean?

What's the matter, Norman?

I got my redundancy notice this morning.

But they can't do that, don't they know
you're in hospital?

Yes, it came with my get -well card.

They said they were sorry, but they had
to make cutbacks.

Well, I think that's scandalous. They
can't do that to a sick man. They can't

hold you responsible for your appendix.
No, but I had a lot of time off with

migraine last summer. Oh, and I suppose
the boss didn't believe you. No, not

after he saw me at the test match.

So you went to the test match, fresh air
is good for migraine. That's what I

told him, but he didn't believe me. I
wouldn't have minded, but he was off

finest.

You see, you see, one law for the rich
and one for the poor.

It'll do you good to meet this man,
Norman, just for you to see there are

people who care, who can identify with a
working man, and you can tell him from

me, Gupta, I for one will be proud to
share a room with him. He will be

surprised. Why?

He's a conservative.

What?

That puts a different complexion on
things. It certainly does. It's a cheap

publicity stunt. It's boat -catching.
That's what he's doing.

I thought you said you'd be proud to
share a room with him. Shut up, Norman.

don't understand politics.

I've always wanted to be a politician.
I've got the voice for it. The presence.

The ability to sway people, bend them to
my will.

My Uncle Charles was like that.

Was he a politician?

No, he was with the Prudential.

I'm talking about... Politics. I can
just see myself waving my order paper

and bringing the house to its feet.
Yeah, bayon for the return of the death

penalty. You're going to make a
wonderful Home Secretary, Archie. The

to bring back the brand in iron. Oh,
shut up, Figgis.

I hope you're not arguing politics again
today or any of that when Sir Julian

arrives. Oh, no.

Not Sir Julian Briggs? Yes, what's the
matter, Figgis?

Well, nobody likes him, not even the
Conservatives. I like him. You would. Is

on the right wing? Right wing? He's
practically in the stands.

I would remind you, he was deputy leader
a few years ago. Only because the Prime

Minister wanted to keep his job. He
always said, you may not like me, but

at the alternative.

That's enough, Figgis. I don't want any
politics from Sir Julian Arise. He needs

a complete rest. What's wrong with him?

Infected tonsils. Keeps losing his
voice. I'm not surprised. All that

I wish it had the same effect on you,
figures. Now, I've told you, I don't

any political argument. But man's a
political animal, Doctor. How can we

politics from life? I don't know,
figures. We were going to have to try.

It's important we make a good
impression. We need friends in high

You're well aware they're trying to
close this hospital.

Now, it's up to us to show Sir Julian
that despite the cuts, we're still a

caring and humane institution.

Here, here. And if you do anything to
spoil that impression, figures, you're

on your neck. Oh, charming.

What happened to all the humane and
caring bit? I suppose you're saving all

for Sir Julian. I can just see you all
fawning round him. I do not fawn,

Piggots. No one who knows me can accuse
me of fawning. Fawning is not in my

nature. He's coming, Mr. Thorpe. He's
coming. Right, all right. Now, just

normally, Gupta.

Whatever that is.

Everything is under control. Gupta, the
flowers. You've forgotten the flowers by

the bed.

Quickly, the flowers.

Now, remember, everyone, no politics.

That's an order.

Sir Julian, how nice to see you again.

I hope you're going to be very
comfortable here.

I'm afraid since you asked for a general
ward, this is the best we can offer.

Well, just treat me as an average
patient, Thorpe. Of course. Though no

think of you as average, Sir Julian.

Still no special privileges. I
understand.

Wonderful spirit.

Gupta, turn back the sheets for Sir
Julian.

Ah, no.

No? No. Must have a bed by the window.

Bed by the window, Sir Julian. No
problem at all.

Put Sir Julian's bed by the window,
Victor.

Now,

I think you'll find this more
comfortable.

Now, I want you to have a real rest, Sir
Julian. But what's more important,

what's more important, a complete break
from politics. Ah, splendid.

The red flag flies.

What are you two preening yourselves
for? We're having our photographs taken.

With Sir Julian?

Blimey, he's really got you two going,
hasn't he? I thought he wanted the quiet

life. All he wants is publicity.

Where is he, anyway?

Visiting geriatric.

Yes, the old people are very dear to his
heart. I'm sure they'll appreciate it.

He's done a lot for the old -age
pensioners. Well, he hasn't done much

rest of us, has he? We're the ones who
need help.

There was a time when you had to keep
your old granny. Now she has to try and

keep you.

If you don't catch him, that's all he's
doing. He'll be up in maternity next,

kissing a few babies.

That should mark them for life.

Right, now perhaps a few pictures with
my fellow patients. Of course, this is

Glover. Ah, Glover.

Try and get the suffering in that face,
will you?

Sorry about taking your spot, old man,
but I must have a bed by the window so

that I can wave to my well -wishers and
followers, you know.

They can't all come up here to see me.

Oh, I don't know. You are allowed two
visitors.

That's all right, Sir Julian.

I was sick of looking out of that window
anyway.

Ah.

I see you're the kind of man who finds
enforced idleness irksome, Glover.

Absolutely, Sir Julian. Middle
management? Yes. I thought so.

Backbone of the country. Quite. Export
or die, Sir Julian. That's the spirit.

Where do you work?

out of a job at the moment.

Well, never mind, Glover. In the battle
against economic recession, we're bound

to suffer a few casualties.

A few casualties? It's a massacre.

This is Norman, Norman Binns. Ah,
Norman.

We're relying on people like you.

Are you?

The future of the country is in your
hands.

Don't, don't, don't. Get him smiling at
me. He's got nothing to smile about.

Why not? He's redundant.

You must be Figgis. That's right.

Yes. Just a quick one here.

Well, we may not share the same views,
but there's no reason why we shouldn't

shake hands.

Hey, hey, wait a minute. Call me up
another one.

Oh, want one for the album, do you? No,
I want to make sure I'm scowling this

time.

That's enough, Figgers.

That's all right. I may not agree with
what you say, Figgers, but I'll defend

with my last breath your right to say
it. I shouldn't say that round here.

last breath may come sooner than you
think.

Figgers. That's all right. Let him have
his say, Doctor.

That's the joy of living in a democracy.

You wouldn't get away with that in
Russia, you know.

I know they're all supposed to be equal,
but some are more equal than others.

You mean some have three pillows and a
bed by the window?

I want this adjourned if you care to
have a picture taken signing our

What petition?

The petition to save the hospital. We've
been threatened with closure, Sir

Julian, and some of us are very
concerned about it.

May I see it? Of course. Nearly everyone
finds it, patients and staff.

It figures that they're collecting more
signatures this morning. It would be a

feather in our cap if you added yours to
them.

Pass me the petition, please. Oh,
actually, it's not quite ready yet,

course it's ready. Now, have a look at
that, Sir Julian. Look at those names.

See what the patients think of this
hospital.

Yes, I see.

I thought you'd be impressed.

Oh, I am, yes.

Heinrich Himmler, Crippin, Marquis de
Sade, Cap Dracula.

What?

Diggis, what's the meaning of this? I
knew I shouldn't have taken it down to

psychiatric. Excuse me.

Diggis!

Now then, Sir Julian, are you comfy?
Would you like another pillow or fresh

orange juice?

Ah, your fruit bowl is empty. Let me
fill it for you. Oh, yes, thank you,

Now, Sir Julian, perhaps you'd let me
open some envelopes for you. You mustn't

overtax yourself.

Grovel, grovel, grovel.

What was that, Figgis? Is it about time
we started helping with the tea? You

can't expect Sir Julian to make the tea.

He has an operation tomorrow and he's
got all this post to get through. Yes, I

must say the response has been
absolutely outstanding.

I've noticed. What are they? Don't get
well cards?

As a matter of fact, they are mainly
from old -age pensioners wishing me well

and thanking me for my help and advice.

I need help and advice.

Do you?

Why, what's your problem, Norman? I'm
redundant.

Oh, well, never mind.

Shoulder to the wheel.

There's plenty of work about if you look
for it. Quite right, Sir Julian. Three

million unemployed and you still can't
get a window cleaner.

I couldn't be a window cleaner. I can't
go up ladders. I'd get nosebleeds.

That's not the spirit, Norman.

These are difficult times.

We need hard work, effort, sacrifice.

Your country needs you, Norman.

Even if it's only digging holes in the
road.

Digging holes?

Well, at least it's got you down off
that ladder.

I don't want to dig holes.

Well, what about the army?

Wonderful life.

Make a man of you, Norman. The army?
Would it mean leaving home?

Of course it would mean leaving home.

Unless you plan to shoot your gun from
the bedroom window.

I couldn't shoot anyone.

I might be able to do something with
electronics. If I could travel from

couldn't leave Mother at the moment.

You see, Sir Julian, that's the trouble
with the youth of today. They've gone

soft. He won't go up ladders. He won't
dig holes.

He won't even leave his mother. Do you
know, he's had that teddy bear with him

ever since he came in here.

It's the mascot.

No, it's not.

You cuddle it.

Well, why not? There's nothing else to
cuddle around here.

Well, I think it's decadent. The army
would do him good. Yes, it's a wonderful

opportunity, Norman.

You could travel, see the world.

Blow it to bits.

No, I don't think it would suit me, Sir
Julian. You see, I'm a pacifist, really.

A pacifist?

I might have guessed it.

Well, in my book, a pacifist is just
another word for a coward.

Who are you calling a coward? You,
mother's boy.

That means I don't believe in violence.

I know what you're going to say.

Bring back national service, for I don't
want to shoot people.

And the next time you call me a mother's
boy, I'm going to shove your teeth down

your throat.

That's the trouble with these pacifists.
No sense of humour.

Excellent, Sir Julian. Now, I think
perhaps a little light lunch washed down

a spot of shabbily.

Well, we keep a few bottles by for the
special guest.

Oh, perhaps first a refreshing bath with
a few aromatic oils and spices and a

rub down with a fluffy towel.

You're going to a lot of trouble, aren't
you, sir? Nothing's too much trouble at

the General.

I'll bring in the TV this evening.
There's a party political broadcast on

of the Labour Party.

There should be good for a few laughs.

Yes, well... Now, I was wondering, Sir
Julian, if you've thought any more about

signing our little petition.

Yes, I have, Gordon Martin Thorpe, and
I'm afraid the answer is no.

What? Well, I am deeply concerned by the
rising cost of the health service, and

since I've been in here, I've been able
to see the problems at first hand. So

far, I've seen nothing but wastes and
extravagance. Far as I can tell, this

hospital is no more than a five -star
hotel for wasters, scavengers, and

malingerers. But, Sir Julian... Ever
since I've been in here, I've been

surrounded by nurses, doctors, pandering
to my every whim.

No wonder 70 % of the health service
cost goes in salaries.

Well, the whole place is clearly
overstarved. Mr. Churchill... I doubt

mind. I'm going to the bathroom, where
no doubt I shall be invited to immerse

body in asses' milk, accompanied by six
festal virgins.

I blame you for this, Figgis.

You heard what he said.

Scavengers, wasters and malingerers.
Well, don't look at me. You're the one

was pushing the shabbily in the fluffy
towels.

Well, they hear about this at number
ten. Oh, I wouldn't like to be in your

shoes.

Yes, you're right, Figgis.

It's been a slosh -up.

Years of experience down the swanny and
not an OBE in sight.

I never ask for much, just a little
recognition.

It's not too much to ask, is it?

God, they're even giving them to tap
dancers these days.

Where did I go wrong? All I did was
observe the niceties. After all,

are people.

Yes, I do understand, Doctor, and if it
means anything, I'm...

I'm very sorry.

That's all right, Figgis.

Doctor?

I'm going to spoil that Chablis for over
here.

Chablis? Certainly not. Where do you
think you are, Figgis? Carriages?

Oh, no, what's this?

Teddy in the waste bin?

I've thrown it away, Fig.

What for?

Stopping coming out.

That's not the reason. It's those two,
isn't it?

They've made you ashamed of him. All
that youth of today stuff.

Perhaps he's right, Fig. Perhaps I am a
mother's boy.

So what?

Half the pilots in the Battle of Britain
were mother's boys.

Always climbing into their Spitfires
with their teddy bears under their arms.

I didn't know that. Certainly, and most
of them were pacifists. In the event of

a war, this house will not fight. Oxford
Union, 1939.

That's how I feel. I hate violence.

You could have fooled me. I thought you
were going to throttle him.

Do you think the younger generation's
decadent? No, they always say that. My

father called me decadent for listening
to Stan Kenton and wearing crepe soles.

Now, come on. You take teddy bear back
and shut up.

Thanks, Fig.

Thanks, Sir Julian. He's out on the
terrace, but it's all right. Don't

you can peel a few oranges for him while
you're waiting.

Why are you making so much fuss of him,
Gupta?

Very important man, and I want to ask
him a favour. Oh, yes, I thought there'd

be a catch.

My cousin needs his help.

Is he in his constituency?

No, he's in Delhi.

He cannot get a permit.

I'd very much like to see my dear cousin
again. Oh, I'm sure he'd be glad to

help you there, Gupta.

Do you think so? He's working day and
night to bring you people together.

You mean he could bring my cousin over?

No, he could send you there.

It's what they call repatriation.

What? Oh, Gupta, get me another drink of
orange juice, would you?

Get your own bloody orange juice.

What's the matter with Gupta?

Doesn't he know I'm having my operation
this afternoon?

Oh, it's this afternoon, is it?

How are you feeling, then?

I'm fine, thank you, Figgis, fine.

Now, if you don't mind, I must...

Get on with my correspondence.

Oh, no.

And at a time like this... What is it?

We are going to get you, Briggs, if it's
the last thing we do.

Prepare to meet your maker.

Signed, a friend.

A friend?

I wonder who it's from.

Oh, it's the usual sort.

Childish, ill -educated scrawl.

Could be one of the doctors.

I say, Thorpe, is that blood?

Sorry about that. Only a bit short of
staff in the laundry.

But I'm having my operation this
afternoon. No, not today. They're

three deep down in the theatre. You
can't get in there for trolleys.

That reminds me. Go to my compa, Mr
McGregor. Ask him if he's got a few

with an edge to them that were crying
through murder this morning.

And go to... Go to the fishing tackle
shop. Get some nylon. Breaking straight

about three pounds. That should hold the
blighters.

I'm sorry, Mr. Thorpe. I'm rushed up my
feet. I don't have a moment to spare.

Yeah, I understand, Gupta. You've been
in duty far too long. Why don't you go

and put your feet up and the broom
covered?

I would, but there are two in there
already.

You see, our problem, Sir Julian, we're
just so terribly overworked. We'll soon

have the patients rolling bandages
again.

Are you all right?

We're looking rather pale.

I'm not surprised, Doctor, you've heard
of a get -well card. He's had a drop

-dead card.

Dear, oh, dear, I'm sorry to hear that.

I wouldn't take it too seriously.

No, but, uh, could we have a porter on
the door?

A porter on the door?

Oh, no, my friend, we can't run to that.

You'll probably have to push your own
trolley.

Oh, I don't think I can face this.

It looks terrible.

What? Wait a minute.

We can't be too careful.

Not after that death threat.

Let me taste it for you, Sir Julian. Oh,
go on. Oh, my dear fellow, I couldn't

possibly let him do that.

Nonsense is the least I can do. After
all, I'm expendable, but the party...

country needs you, Sir Julian.

Do you mean the leadership?

She can't last forever, you know.

I'm afraid I have enemies within the
party, Glover. Now we... I was out to

him. It's the Conservatives.

Quiet. I'd just like you to know, Sir
Julian, that if you are attacked, I

consider it my patriotic duty to
interpose my body between your attacker

yourself. After all, I'm a sick man.

What have I got to lose?

What exactly is the matter with you,
Glover?

Well... It's a mystery ailment that has
baffled the keenest brains of this

hospital. There's not much hope, I'm
afraid.

But through you, Sir Julian...

I can still have my moment of destiny.

Oh, I say, that's terribly noble of you.
It's nothing.

What have you got there, Norman? It's a
parcel for Sir Julian.

Oh, there you go. Oh, well, look.

Let me help you to open it.

Just a minute. Where did you get that
from?

A man gave it to me in the hall. Do you
know him?

No, he was a stranger. A stranger?

What are you suggesting, I guess? Well,
nothing, nothing, only... I thought I

heard it ticking.

Ticking?

Do you mean, you know what you've got
there?

It's a Getwell bomb.

It could go up any minute. Thank God,
what are we going to do?

Well, just keep calm, Archie, and don't
move a muscle.

Yes, you're absolutely right, Figgis.
Now, Glover, I want you to take this

parcel from me very slowly.

Wait a minute.

Why don't you take it from me very
slowly?

What about your patriotic duty, Archie?
Stop my patriotic duty!

I didn't say anything about bones.

All right, all right. Just put it down
on the table and move very slowly away.

I can't hear it ticking.

It's stopped! There's only seconds left!

We can't leave it here! There's
maternity upstairs! What about the

got their whole lives before them? What
do you want us to do, take it down to

Geriatrics?

We've got to do something!

It's a bomb.

A bomb?

What

is

it?

It tastes rather like chutney.

And you said it was ticking.

Well, it might have been. These homemade
preserves can get very volatile when

they start to ferment.

I don't think there's any danger.

It's all right. You can come out now,
Sir Julian. I hope it wasn't too much of

shock for you.

Well, no, I... I wouldn't say shock,
exactly, no.

Julian, what are you doing under the
bed, looking for your collar stud?

I never thought I'd see you in this
position, Sir Julian, no? This will make

very amusing story. What a chapter for
your autobiography, A Surgeon Remembers.

writing a book, are you, Thor? Well, I
may have to take to the pen of the

hospital closers.

Oh, yes.

Well,

I've been thinking about that, and
perhaps I will sign your petition after

Of course, Sir Julian. Figures?

Figures has been collecting more
signatures. Real people this time.

Well, would you like me to sign? After
the last signature.

Oh, I see.

You mean after Margaret Thatcher and Sir
Keith Joseph.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.