All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s03e02 Adams Rib

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

Fig, there's a lady doctor on the wards.
I've just seen her. Oh, yes.

She's wearing a T -shirt. Is she?

It's got I fell in love in Portugal on
it. Good for her.

Well, I hope she doesn't come in here.

Why? She might want to examine me.

Well, I shouldn't worry. If she fell in
love in Portugal, I don't think you're

going to spring any surprises.

No, but I'd find it embarrassing.

Embarrassing? I would have thought you'd
lost all modesty by now, Norman.

We've been pushed, poked, prodded, and
our private parts exposed to public gaze

and ridicule.

What have you got to be so secretive
about?

What have you got hidden down there? The
crown jewels?

mean, Fig. It's just that I don't fancy
being asked to cough by a woman in a T

-shirt and a split skirt.

Oh, a split skirt? You haven't missed
much, have you?

Have you heard, Archie? There's a lady
doctor on the wards.

Is there?

Well, I hope she doesn't come in here.
Oh, not you as well, Archie. What have

you got against lady doctors?

Fig, it's we're in hospital.

It's a dangerous place. People have been
known to die in here.

We need the best treatment we can get. I
have no intention of placing my body in

the hands of a woman.

Why not? I've never worried you before.

In any case, I don't think you can
refuse, Archie. You're forgetting the

Discrimination Act.

The barriers are down, brother.

Not in this bed, they're not, Figgis.

Anyway, I don't agree with all this
career nonsense.

It doesn't matter what you agree with.
It's the law.

What if you claim exemption on religious
grounds?

What religious grounds?

It's quite simple, really.

I happen to believe that God took a rib
from Adam whilst he slept and created

woman so that she should be bone of his
bone and flesh of his flesh and should

cleave unto him.

She's not going to have much time for
cleaving if she's out at work all day.

I can't believe this. I can't believe
what I'm hearing.

That's only symbolic, isn't it, Archie?
It's not really true.

You count your ribs, Norman. You'll find
one missing.

Will I?

I wonder who's got mine.

Precisely. Explain that, Figgis. I see
no reason to go against the Bible on

one. All right, but there's no reason to
be prejudiced, Archie.

You were always partial to a bit of
spare rib. That's got nothing to do with

Figgis. Career women have never
interested me.

I find them far too cold and clinical.

She's not. She fell in love in Portugal.

I don't care where she fell in love,
Figgis. A woman who competes with men is

woman under stress. And do you know what
happens to women under stress? They

develop deep voices and grow hair on
their chest.

Good morning, everyone.

I say, Peggy is.

Who's that?

Well, judging by the slogan on her
chest, I think that's her.

She seems to be bearing up under the
stress pretty well, aren't she?

Good morning, Mr Glover.

I'm Dr Glossop.

Oh, well, good morning, Dr Glossop.

What can I do for you? I want some of
your blood.

I beg your pardon?

I want to take a sample of your blood.
Blood?

From your arm. That's relief. You
thought you were going for his neck.

Now, if you'd just roll up your sleeve.

Just a moment.

Have you done this before?

Well, yes.

Once or twice. Once or twice?

I would point out that I have very
delicate veins, not easily accessible.

Nor do I have a plentiful supply of
blood. I'm not just about to have a

removed by someone who's only done it
once or twice.

Well, everybody's got to learn, Archie.
Not on me, they haven't. It won't be a

cupful, and it won't hurt, Mr Glover.
Someone tapping your bloodstream? Of

course it hurts. I'm bound to feel
something. I'm not a rubber tree.

Come along, Mr Glover.

Aren't you being a bit of a jessie?

A bit... A bit of a jessie?

I have been...

seriously ill.

I was despaired of.

When I came in here, I was down to
nothing. A little old lady carried me in

a taxi.

So if you think that I'm just about to
let a slip of a girl interfere with my

metabolism, you're mistaken.

I see.

Well, I'll leave you for a moment.

Perhaps you'll change your mind.

He won't change his mind.

Don't you want to look at me, Doctor?

You're sure you don't mind being
examined by a slip of a girl? Well, I

insist on a male nurse being present,
but if it's your first day... Right.

Let's have a look at you.

Not a pretty sight.

Abdominal surgery with mild post
-operative infection.

Due to male members of the staff
insisting on handling you just after

their pipes.

Oh!

Does that hurt?

Now, but can I give you a piece of
advice as you start out on what I hope

be a long and successful career in
medicine?

What's that?

Warm your hands before examining the
patient.

Sorry, Mr Figgis.

Oh.

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

How's he keeping alive?

I wonder meself some days.

What seems to be the problem? Oh, you
might well ask.

It's the old adrenal cortex not
functioning properly.

I don't remember anything about that,
and you know? Oh, they haven't put pen

paper yet, but they know.

They think it's Addison's disease.

But that's very rare.

Rare? It's unique.

That's why Thorpe isn't saying much, but
I know what he's thinking.

It's in his eyes when he looks at me.

Addison's disease.

Poor devil.

But it only affects four people in a
million.

Really? As much as that?

Well, look at me. I've got the classic
symptoms.

General lethargy, feeble heartbeat,
patchy skin.

Anemia? It's all there.

But this is very exciting. I've never
come across it before.

Yes, you've dropped in lucky on your
first day, haven't you?

Do you have any pain? Only in the chest,
but of course that's due to the angina.

Oh, angina as well. Just a further
complication.

Oh, that goes again.

And what do you think brought that on? I
think it was I fell in love in

Portugal.

If you take my advice, you'll button up
that coat before Mr Thorpe comes in

here. Why? Doesn't he approve of that
sort of thing?

Not if he hasn't partaken.

Ah, Dr Gloss, I thought I'd call in and
see how you were coming along.

Good morning, Mr Thorpe.

Well,

I see you've found our prized patient.
What do you make of him?

Well, there's been abdominal surgery,
which has resulted in some post

infection. Yes.

And there's some evidence of anemia.

Go on.

And with the dry skin and general
lassitude, the fault could lie with the

adrenal cortex.

The adrenal cortex?

With possibly some indication of
Addison's disease.

Addison's disease?

Fascinating. Has the patient been
talking to you?

Yes.

He has just tried stopping them.

And tell me, Doctor, have you noticed
anything else while pouring over this

battlefield of a body?

No, he does complain of angina.

Angina?

Tell me, Doctor, do you notice any link
between these ailments?

Link? Come along, Doctor, staring you
straight in the face. What have they all

got in common?

I don't know. They all begin with A.

It's quite simple. Figures he's been
working his way through the medical

dictionary and he's now started again
with the A's.

Tomorrow it will be the B's. We'll
probably be asked to deal with

botulism and Baghdad button.

What's Baghdad button, Doctor?

Never you mind, Figures. Could I have a
word, Dr. Glossop?

It is not an auspicious start.

No, Mr Thorpe. When you gain a little
more experience, you'll realise that

patients are much like witnesses in
court. They either say too much or too

little. And in either case, they can get
you hanged. I said when you have gained

more experience. Perhaps I should have
said if.

I'll be frank.

I don't like lady doctors.

I don't like them in my wards. I don't
like the problems they bring. And I

particularly don't like them with
slogans across their chest.

That was just a joke, Mr. Thorpe. This
is a hospital. It is no place for jokes.

The country has spent a great deal of
money in training you, Doctor. I should

asked to spend a great deal of my time
in telling you everything I know, the

of which you'll probably get pregnant.

I consider it... I consider it an
appalling waste.

But, Mr. Thorpe, I know... Having said
that, I bid you welcome to the hospital

and I hope you'll be very happy here.

Now, have you taken Glover's blood
sample?

No. Why not?

He didn't want me to. Didn't want you
to? He's not a Jehovah's Witness, is he?

You think a male doctor would have taken
that rebuff? What do you want my blood

for, Doctor? We want to test your
calcium level.

Calcium level?

Is there a deficiency?

Oh, my God.

That explains everything. The little
white flecks behind the nails, the

of brittleness. Don't make such a fuss,
Glover.

Now, I want that blood, Doctor, even if
you have to put your knee on his chest.

And hurry. We don't have all day.

Gupta.

Now, don't worry, Mr Glover, it won't
hurt.

I'm just going to apply a tourniquet.

And I want you to clench your fist.

Well, be careful, because I bruise very
easily.

I'm sure you do.

My, what a lovely smooth skin.

Yes.

It's very white, isn't it?

And you see those little blue veins?

They're like the fine tracery that you
get in marble.

Yes.

And it's one of those little blue veins
that I want.

I'm just going to flip the needle into
one you'll feel a slight prick. That's

all. There.

Now I'm drawing the blood off very
slowly.

I always think that when a patient knows
what's going on,

Want to bet?

Oh, you're draining me.

I can feel it oozing away.

There.

We're all finished.

Oh, thank you.

Just a minute.

Is that all mine?

So much blood.

Oh, I feel pain.

Oh, I'm going.

I'm going.

You intend causing this devastation
every morning, Dr. Glossop?

If so, I'll alert the hospital
authorities and have them standing by in

readiness.

and get this mess cleaned up at once.

Yes, Mr. Thorpe.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

She was crying.

I beg your pardon, Norman? There was a
tear. A what?

There was a tear on her cheek.

We tear all our cheeks if this goes on,
Norman.

I just hope you're all satisfied.

I just hope you're all pleased with
yourselves.

You have made her cry.

Come, I must hurry. I'm all behind.

She's been like a bull in a china shop.

That... Woman? Do you mean Dr. Glossop,
Gupti? Yes, damn silly name.

Why do you take that attitude, Gupti?
After all, you should know what it's

to be a sexual outcast.

What?

I didn't know about this, Gupta.

What are you talking about? I mean,
you've had to compete in a woman's

Oh, you're right there.

What a country.

I'm always taking orders from women.

There's the Queen, Mrs. Thatcher,
Machen, Filster, I'm fed up with it.

to it, that's all. You have to face the
fact that there are some things that

women can't do as well as men.

Such as?

They cannot throw a cricket ball. I have
seen them.

Their shoulders are in the wrong place
and their bosoms get in the way.

Yes, and she's got a very nice bosom.
Have you seen her vest? I fell in love

Portugal.

Don't talk about her like that.

Can I share the joke, Gupta?

There is no joke.

I'm too busy for jokes.

Excuse me, I must give Norman his
injection.

I'll do that if you like.

I don't think Norman would like that. As
a matter of fact, Gupti, I'd prefer it

if Doctor gave me my injection.

What was that, Norman?

Doctor Glossop, would you give me my
injection?

Are

you

sure you really want me to, Norman? Yes,
please.

Where would you like it?

I beg your pardon?

In the arm or the bottom?

Oh, in the arm, please.

You usually have it in the bottom. Shut
up, please.

I haven't done this very often.

You don't have to look.

Well, one of you has to.

What should I do, inject him or harpoon
him, Doctor?

Go ahead, Doctor. I can take it.

Not at all.

Oh, I must be getting better.

Yes, you've certainly brought the
courage of his kids.

What are you doing, Doctor?

I was giving Norman his injection.

Oh, are you indeed?

And where are the notes? You can't give
an injection without referring to the

notes. Where are they?

I thought you had them, Mr Thorpe. Why
should I have them? I'm not a filing

clerk.

I suggest you go and find them.

Do I have to do everything myself?

What's this?

I think they're my notes, Mr Thorpe.

What are they doing here? They're
confidential.

They should be left lying around. Who
put them there?

You did.

Oh.

Mr Thorpe, do you think I could have a
word?

Yes, Figures.

Don't you think you're being a bit hard
on Dr Glossop?

You mean because she's a woman? Yes,
just because she is a woman, a rather

attractive woman. Aren't you trying to
put that fact to the back of your mind?

What are you getting at, Figures?

A hospital is a very claustrophobic
world, and you two could be working in

proximity, where the whiff of a perfume
or the sudden sight of those cute little

freckles on her cheek may distract your
attention just for a moment.

Stuff and nonsense, Vickers.

Perhaps you're right, Doctor. Perhaps
the bluff, irascible manner of yours is

your best means of defence.

I'm sorry, Mr. Thorpe, I can't find the
notes anywhere.

I seem to have lost them. No, you have
not, Dr. Glossop. I misplayed them. It

was entirely my fault. I must apologise.

In my eagerness to apportion blame, I
picked on the youngest and the most

inexperienced. That was absolutely
unforgivable of me.

Now, allow me to make amends by offering
you freckles in my room.

Freckles?

Um, I mean coffee.

This way, my dear.

I wonder if she'll come tonight.

Who?

Amy. I mean, Dr. Glossop. She came last
night.

She had a long talk.

My word, it hasn't taken long, has it?

A what?

For her to win favour with the patients
and the doctors.

That's because she's a wonderful person.
Wonderful person? That's just because

she wiggles her hips.

Amy Glossop does not wiggle her hips.
It's just that she is simply wonderful.

Oh, come along, Norman. She's a woman,
isn't she? They're all the same. They're

mad for it.

Take off that white coat and what have
you got?

You've got Amy Glossop.

Hello, Norman. How are you feeling this
evening?

I'm feeling much better, Amy.

I like the outfit.

I've been to a party.

You look terrific.

I'd better go and put my white coat on.

Will you come back and see me later?

Of course I will, Norman.

Doctor, could I have a word?

Certainly, Mr Glover.

What is it? Have you had the results of
my calcium test yet?

Not yet.

But I shouldn't worry.

But I need to know. You see, I have this
habit of grinding my teeth at night.

And if there is a deficiency, I'll be
down to the gums by night.

Why do you think you grind your teeth?
Well, it's the inactivity.

It doesn't suit a man like me.

I get restless at night.

But you must rest.

I can't. You see, once you've been under
the knife, you get this new zest for

living. I want to go out into the fields
and run through the damp grass and look

at the sky and talk to a beautiful
woman.

I'll see if I can get you something to
make you sleep.

What has night to do with sleep? Night
has better sweets to prove.

Venus now wakes and awakens love.

Yes.

Quiet.

Excuse me, Mr Glover, I think I'd better
go and get my white coat.

Did you hear that, Fig? He was quoting
poetry at her. You keep away from her,

Glover! What's it got to do with you,
mother's boy?

Actually, I always find that a bit of
poetry gets them going.

Gets them going? Did you hear that, Fig?
Yes, I heard, and I'm shocked at the

pair of you. I don't know what you think
you're doing.

Here's a young girl starting out in her
career, needing all the help she can

get, and what do you do?

Try and take advantage of her. I was
only chatting her up, Roy. And where do

think that was going to lead? You want
to watch it. Remember the calcium. You

start that game with her, mate, you
could snap like a dead twig.

Don't be ridiculous, Roy.

She said there was nothing to worry
about. Well, I'm not so sure. They don't

always tell you the truth, and quite
frankly, when you walk around here,

can hear you creaking.

You're just trying to frighten me.
Perhaps I am, Archie. I just don't think

right. But I wasn't trying to chat her
up, Fig.

I love her. Oh, yes? Well, you seem to
have an amazing capacity for falling in

love these days. In fact, ever since you
were at Times Wing at Chariot area

near, you seem to fall in love with
everyone you meet. Hardly get some sort

substitute for not going abroad.

But this is different, Fig. I know it
is. All right, you love her. But if you

love someone, you've got to be prepared
to let them go, Norman.

She's worked hard all these years to
become a doctor.

Don't hold her back.

Don't chain her down.

I don't want to do that.

I'm sure you don't. But if you love
someone, you've got to be prepared to do

big thing.

Let her spread her wings, Norman.

Let her soar as high as she can.

I've never looked at it like that, Roy.
You're right.

She's got her career. The poor, the
sick, the maimed need her more than I

Who am I to hold her back?

Norman Binns.

Failed draughtsman.

I knew you'd understand, Norman.

I didn't understand what all the fuss is
about. I was only chatting her up.

Well, it's not right, Archie. You
cheapen yourself and you cheapen her.

Treating her like a sex object.

Taking advantage of her because she's a
young girl trying to do a man's job.

Pulling her like that.

I think it's disgusting.

But, Roy... I'm sorry, Archie. I don't
want to talk about it anymore.

Well...

I never realised he felt like that about
it.

He's right, you know.

You mean about cheapening yourself?

No. I am creaking.

You look very serious, Vigis. What's the
matter?

A word of warning, Doctor.

I know you want to be accepted round
here, but make sure the price isn't too

high. What do you mean?

I mean, don't lose your integrity.
There's a lot of people watching you.

Florence Nightingale, Emily Pankhurst,
Germaine Greer.

Don't let them down, Doctor.

Figgis, what are you trying to tell me?

There's someone running around here
boasting he's going to sweep you off

feet.

Oh, is he?

I don't want to name any names, but any
minute he could come slinking in here

for a bit of slap and tickle. I don't
believe it. He's taking bets on it.

Well, we'll see about that. Shh, there's
somebody coming.

Don't worry, I won't be far away.

hoping I might find you.

I just wanted to say I've been watching
you very carefully over the last few

days. I think you're shaping up nicely.

Do you really, Mr. Thorpe? Oh, please.
Call me Gordon.

You mustn't be put off by my brusque
manners. A very solitary life being a

surgeon. I find it hard to get close to
people.

How close do you want to get, Gordon?

Well, I was wondering if you'd like to
see me operate.

Watch my technique at close quarters. I
could teach you a great deal, my dear. I

think you and I could work very well
together.

No, thank you, Mr Thorpe.

Pardon? I am very well aware how you
operate. Just don't try it on me.

I think there's been some
misunderstanding.

There certainly has.

I am not a pushover, Mr Thorpe. A
pushover? And I can make my way in

without any of that. Any of what?

Slap and tickle.

Slap and tickle?

I don't slap and tickle people.

That's not what I've heard.

Who?

Excuse me, I think I bleeped.

I made you a marvellous. I didn't go too
far.

But the vanity of the man...

I think he's God's gift to women.

He won't anymore. I was proud of you.
You're beautiful when you're angry. The

little flecks in your eyes sort of light
up.

I just didn't want him to think I was
that sort of a person.

Do you think I'm like that, Figgis? Of
course not.

Are there little flecks in my eyes,
Figgis?

Oh, yes.

I know it's the first time I saw you.

Hazel eyes with little lights dancing in
them.

But you never wanted to take advantage.

No. I knew you were a woman devoted to
her career.

Of course.

Mind you, on second thoughts, a man
can't always resist temptation.

I think she's in here, Norman.

Ah, Dr Glossop, I just wanted to say
sorry.

Norman and I have been talking and
Figgis was right.

I was out of line back there on the
ward.

Why what's the matter? I think you're
creaking again!