All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s03e01 A Day In The Life Of

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y. I know I am, I'm sure
I am. He's H

-A -P -P -Y.

Have you noticed something?

Have you noticed how tidy we've become
since the television cameras arrived?

What do you expect, Figgis? We're going
to be on television.

We don't want everything to be in a
muddle. Why not? Why can't we have the

old grotty mess with a few dead bodies
lying around?

This isn't going to show the reality of
the situation.

Everybody going around with toothpaste
smiles and being unnaturally nice to

other. That's nonsense, Figgis. We're
all being perfectly natural.

If you're being perfectly natural, where
are your glasses?

I didn't want to wear them today.

I thought the light might reflect in the
lens.

Besides, I think I look better without
them. Oh, no, but you can't see as well,

can you? You keep bumping into things.

I hope you're not called upon to give an
injection, that's all.

Did you hear that? He thinks he looks
better without them. It's all going to

a complete waste of time. It's going to
give a totally false impression.

No, that's where you're wrong, Fig. They
always say no matter how you try and

cover things up, the camera never lies.

No, but it can stretch it a bit,
especially around here. Have you seen

He's all sweetness and light.

Why can't he act naturally and be the
normal, miserable person we've all come

know and hate?

And why does he hog the camera all the
time?

Well, it is supposed to be a day in his
life, Fig. Yes, and whose idea was that?

It's always the doctors and never the
patients. And who takes all the risks

round here? We do. And we never get a
look in.

All we ever get's a trembling hand over
the blanket and a quavering voice

saying, God bless you, Doctor.

It's always been the same ever since
Doctor Kildare.

Faceless patients and Richard
Chamberlain having it a way down the

This way, this way.

I shouldn't panic, Archie. They won't
come in here.

Nevertheless, I think I'll just slip a
comb through my hair.

You never know. Just listen to him. He's
been following them around all morning.

You're a real camera freak, aren't you,
Archie? Certainly not, Figgis. It's just

that I'm curious to see what's going on,
that's all.

What's Thorpe doing now, Archie? They're
shooting him coming down the corridor.

Shooting him? That's the best idea
they've had all day.

That's a technical term, Figgis. It
means they're filming him coming down

corridor. But he's been doing that for
the last hour.

They don't like his walk. Neither do I.
We don't see why we should have to have

it on film.

He's been making a complete mess of
things. All he had to do this morning

get out of the car, pick up his
briefcase and walk into the hospital.

It took him two hours.

First of all, he got his foot caught in
the seatbelt and fell out of the car.

Then he forgot his briefcase and when he
finally entered the hospital, he walked

straight into a glass door.

It was a complete shambles.

Gary and Phil didn't like it at all.

You mean those two in the pink shirt?

The producer and the director, Figgis.
Maybe more at home with Jack and Ori.

First sign of a real disease, they'll be
straight out through them doors.

If they want real drama, they ought to
come in here.

They don't want a day in the life of
Gordon Thorpe.

They want a day in the death of Royston
Figgis.

Ah, just as I thought. You want to get
in front of those cameras, don't you,

Figgis? Well, I wouldn't mind. At least
I could speak up for the patients.

Tell them the truth about this hospital.

I was on television once.

Were you, Norman?

What were you doing?

I was holding a tin of beans.

You mean it was a commercial?

No, closed circuit at Tesco's.

I look quite good.

In fact, I think I'd make a good
television performer.

Doing what?

Well, presenting Blue Peter on Magpie.

Sitting around in jeans and a jersey,
talking to the children, showing them

to make things out of egg boxes.

I'd be good at that.

I've always thought that I'd go down
rather well on the box.

That's what television needs today.

A new face.

Nothing new about your face.

There would be on television. What we
need is a new approach, a return to

and glamour and the days of Macdonald
Hobley.

I think I'll just go and freshen up.

Oh, give over. You're trying to get in
front of them cameras again.

You'll be there grinning away with the
rest of them.

dream of doing anything so vulgar, I
guess. No, if they want me, they'll have

ask for me.

Do you think you could try that walk
down the corridor again, Mr Thorpe? Only

this time, try and forget the camera.

It's just an ordinary morning. Keep the
walk perfectly natural.

Perfectly natural. Right, Gary.

Okay.

And roll VTR.

Okay.

Mr Thorpe, do you always walk like that?

Yes, I think so.

Well, do you think this time you could
do it a little slower with less

Less flourish?

Certainly.

OK.

if you aren't walking straight into the
ward.

In here?

If you wouldn't mind.

Have I got to? Please, Mr Thorpe, we are
in a hurry.

Very well.

OK.

Action.

Yes. Who?

Can't you see I'm being filmed? Are you?
Where?

Oh, it's me.

Hello.

I didn't realise, but since I'm here...

point of view.

I do have a few comments to make, which
I think may be of interest to the

viewer. Gupta, get Tiggis back into bed
at once.

Shut up, Mr.

Thorpe.

Gupta, what's happened to your glasses?

I took them off. I thought I'd look back
at them.

Just get Tiggis back into bed, will you?
All right, all right. If you want a

bland, boring film with no human
interest, that's your affair.

Can't be, yes?

I'm sorry about that, Gary.

Never mind, Mr. Thorpe. There's always
one.

There's more than one.

Now, Mr Thorpe, we want you to go across
to a patient and talk to him so that we

can observe your understanding and
compassion.

Yes, well, let's get on with it while
I've still got something left.

Okay, and I need to try a dummy run this
time, Mr Thorpe.

Well,

Norman, how are we feeling today, old
chap?

Oh, could you hold this hand, Mr Thorpe?
What?

Oh, yes, I see.

Norman, could I hold your hand?

Certainly, Mr Thorpe.

And look into his eyes when you're
talking to him.

We want to feel the warmth, the feeling
of a kindly father figure.

I think we've got something here, Phil.
He's got a wonderful face.

Business before pleasure, Gary.

Very much better, thank you, Doctor. And
may I say it's due to your skill and

care that I find myself in this happy
position after months of pain.

Splendid. Well, we'll soon have you on
your feet again, punting the leather,

playing football with the best of them.

Yes, I look forward to that, Doctor. I
look forward to playing football with

best of them.

Splendid. Well, that's fine. That's
great.

Look, we'll just set up the lights, then
we'll shoot it. Um, should we have

coffee? Oh, right.

Gary.

Very nice.

I'm going to be on television, V.

I'm going to be on television!

Yes, I suppose you are.

I only hope you can pull it off, that's
all.

Still, as long as you don't have any
trouble with the old nerves, you should

all right. I don't have any trouble with
my nerves, V. Come on, whenever you're

under pressure, you start getting that
twitch.

That little muscle in your cheek begins
to whirl. That's all going to show on

television, you know.

They're going to see every crafty
movement of your eyes, every

The involuntary lick of the dry lips.

The beads of sweat on the brow.

Your total falseness revealed to
millions.

What falseness? What do you mean, Fig?
The camera may never lie, but you

certainly do. You've never played
football in your life.

Well, no, but I played table tennis.

Well, that's hardly the same thing, is
it? You were sitting there passing

yourself off as a second Kevin Keegan.

Oh, what's that for?

It's a microphone.

See, now you're wired for every sound.

I hope your stomach doesn't start
rumbling.

I'm afraid I shall have to take it off.
I've got to go somewhere.

Well, they certainly don't want to hear
you in there.

Nerves, you see, always gets the bladder
first.

OK, everyone ready?

OK.

Action. Well, and how are we feeling
today?

Very much better, thank you, Doctor.

Oh, excuse me.

Should we hold hands now or later?

Cut.

Hold hands whenever you feel like it.

Chase me.

Shall we start again?

I'm sorry.

Okay.

Okay.

Action. Well, how are we doing today,
old chap? Very much better, thank you,

Doctor. And may I say it's due to your
kill and scare that I finally...

Of course he did. It's what they call a
Freudian slip.

It's not a Freudian slip, because he
simply got it the wrong way round.

Yeah, I should have been scared and
killed.

All right, let's try again, shall we?
Sorry.

Okay.

Action.

Well, how are we feeling today, old
chap?

Very much better, Doctor. And may I say,
it's due to your skill and care that I

find myself in the... in the happy
position I find myself in the present

In. My God, the boy is waffling. We
can't go on like this. Sorry, everybody.

Don't worry, Norman. It's perfectly all
right. Okay.

Settle down, everybody.

Okay.

Action.

Power game.

Very much better, thank you, Doctor. And
may I say, due to your skill and care,

that I find myself in this happy
position after pain of months. He said

months. We can't go on like this. It's
ridiculous.

Your understanding and compassion, Mr
Thorpe. Well, get someone else. The

a fool.

Having trouble?

You're filming again. I didn't realise.

I've been out on the terrace reading a
little Wordsworth.

We both have the same feeling for
nature.

I find it a great solace watching the
leaves fall and knowing that after

there'll always be another... spring.

What do you think, Harry?

Wonderful, Phil.

Right, everybody over here, please.

Hey, what about me?

Never mind, Norman. That's show
business.

Are you going to be ready soon, Mr
Glover? Sure, sir.

teasing out a few curls, Phil. It's not
every day one affairs on television.

Now then, do you think this dressing
gown will suit? Will you be able to pick

out the colours?

Yeah, yeah, that'll be fine. And what
about make -up? Oh, that won't be

necessary.

Oh. Oh, my, now, have you still got time
to wipe it off?

I'm not wearing any figures, actually.
It's at times like this that I thank God

that I've got a good skin. Now, Phil,
I'd like to get my best side, so what

position would you like me to take up?

Face downwards.

Betty Norman, you've had your chance.
Now it's mine.

Look, Mr Glover, I would like to point
out that this is supposed to be a film

about the Doctor.

Yes, but let's be frank. Even his best
friends wouldn't call him handsome.

He's rather colourless. In fact, I think
that he's going to come across as

rather beige.

It'll be about as exciting as watching a
plank walk.

However, you know your business. Just
tell me where the cameras are.

Don't worry, Mr Glover, just leave
everything up to us. Yes, and Phil,

us get too disciplined. You see, I tend
to get rather inventive, so if I do

something rather unexpected, just keep
the cameras rolling.

Yes, well, you just let us know as soon
as you're ready and try and keep it

natural. Right -o, Phil.

Natural? It's about as natural as a
plastic dapper dill. Eat your heart out,

Norman Binns. You're only jealous.

He's right, Norman.

We shouldn't be envious.

Well, that's very nice of you figures. I
rather thought that you wanted to be

on. I wouldn't mind, but that's not the
point.

The big thing is that one of the
patients is getting a look in for a

that's important.

Now, watch Thorpe.

He'll try and mask you, Archie.

What do you mean? He'll stand in front
of you so no -one will see you. Will he

indeed? Or he'll upstage you.

Upstage me? What does that mean, Norman?

He'll keep turning you towards him so
that you've got your back to the camera.

You see, we want you to look good,
Archie.

Patients are always portrayed as empty
husks lying around with all the medical

staff. Get the glamour. Now, you can
redress the balance.

This could be your big chance, Archie.

This could lead to something.

This time next year, you could be
reading the news.

You could be another Angela Rippon.

Guest appearances on Call My Bluff and,
dare we say it, Blankety Blank.

But it won't happen if all we see is the
back of your head. Don't worry, Figgis,

won't be seeing the back of my head, I
can assure you.

Don't forget, plenty of business with
the old stick and the old book of verse

and plenty of those perceptive insights.

Yes, all right, Figgis.

I think the viewer will be particularly
interested in my philosophy of life.

Well, you can tell them I'm ready.

Are you ready yet, Figgis? Almost,
Doctor.

Well, let's get on with it.

I just want to say, uh...

Well, I'm sorry the way things are
going. What do you mean, the way things

going? Well, there's supposed to be a
day in your life. There won't be much

chance of that with old Rita Garbo in
there.

Trouble is, everyone's trying to get in
on the act. Yes, including you, Figures.

Well, at least I'm not taller than you.
He's six foot two, Doctor.

He's going to make you look like a
dwarf.

You'll be trotting beside him like
Quasimodo.

I'm lucky to get you ready.

Ah, you're forgetting one thing,
Figures. The camera will be trained on

I'm not so sure, Doctor. He's looking
good.

He's been slapping on the rouge ever
since this thing started.

And I think he's borrowed some eye
shadow from Sister.

Just don't let him upstage you, that's
all. But how can he upstage me, figures?

By turning your back to the camera so
all we'll see is that bald patch on the

back of your head.

Oh, it's an old trick, Doctor. He'll be
smiling to the camera and you'll just be

a white coat flapping around.

Well, we'll see about that.

Ah, we're ready for you now, Mr. Tarr.
Good turn.

What's happened to your moustache?

Oh, shaved it off.

I think I look better without it.

I think I look more interesting, don't
you agree?

No, I don't. It's supposed to be a day
in my life, not yours.

You won't be going in front of the
cameras.

Or they might possibly show us your hand
as you pass with the case notes.

Now stop this charade and grow it again
at once.

So, all we want you to do, Mr Thorpe,
is... to walk down the centre of the

with Mr Glover and seem into his bed,
passing the time of day, that sort of

thing. Okay.

Okay.

Action. Do you think somebody could dab
my bra?

I think I'm beginning to glisten a
little.

Certainly, Mr Glover.

Okay, that's fine.

Thanks.

No, that's impossible.

He's too tall.

If you want me to do that, he'll have to
crouch. I'm not going to crouch.

I'd look ridiculous.

Well, that's just a thought. Carry on.

Okay.

Well,

I've had a look at the test results,
Glover, and everything seems to be fine.

You should be out of here in no time at
all.

Wait a minute, Doctor.

on this stick if everything were fine.

You can tell me the truth. I can take
it.

After all, what is life but a game
played by fools?

I can assure you, Glover, there's
nothing the matter with you at all.

I'm just happy that I've led a full
life.

I've crammed more into my few years than
most people have in a lifetime.

I've warmed both my hands at the fire of
life and now it sinks.

I'm ready to depart.

Why don't you, Glover?

Is he going to go on like this all the
time? It's supposed to be a day in my

life, not his.

I'm just trying to add a little colour,
that's all. I can't help it if you look

bad, Thorpe. I don't look bad. I don't
look anything. I can't look in, not with

you gabbling. I'm not gabbling. Last
we're on the subject, would you stop

to hog the camera? After all, your face
isn't exactly going to launch a thousand

ships.

Right. That's it, Gary.

I refuse to go on.

I'm sorry, Mr Glover. What about Gary?

I'm afraid we're going to have to find
someone else.

I see.

Am I tonight, is it?

Sorry, Phil.

Look, can't we find somebody who looks
more like an ordinary patient?

Just look at him, Norman.

The thing some people will do just to
get onto television.

I don't know how they could choose
someone so grotesque.

And just look at that hideous dressing
gown.

I never thought he'd be like that,
Archie, the way he's creeping around

I thought at least he'd stand up for the
patients.

I want to get this right, Mr Thorpe.
Just you tell me what you want me to

and I'll say it.

Because after all, I mean, this is your
show. I mean, we're just your acolytes,

really. What was it again?

Well, all you have to say is, I'm
feeling a little better today. Thank

Thorpe. Let's see if I can get that
right.

I'm feeling a little better today.

Thank you.

Yes, yes, I think I've got that. You
see, I want to memorise it. I don't want

have to extemporise. I think it's
important that we both know what we're

Would you like to hold my hand, Doctor?

No. I don't think that's been necessary,
Figgis. Please yourself, Doctor.

I'm all wired up properly, am I, Gary?

Yes, Mr Figgis. Now, this is going to be
very brief, because we are running out

of time. Yes, yes, I understand. I'll
just try and follow Mr Thorpe's lead.

I won't move around too much, because I
don't want to mask him from the cameras

or anything like that. I'll just sit
back here.

Or perhaps you'd like me lying down with
my hands over my head.

Is that all right for you, Mr Thorpe?

Ready, Mr Thorpe? Yes, I'm ready.

Right, and I don't want you to hear
anything, Mr Thorpe, because I'll just

sitting here watching you.

Good luck, everyone.

OK.

And action.

Well, figures, how are we today?

Well, I'm glad you asked me that,
Doctor, because for some time I've been

these terrible pains in my stomach.

And when I complain about them, I'm told
there's nothing to worry about.

You're a fool, Doctor, if there's
nothing to worry about. Why all these X

I'm not right down here and you know it.
The job's been botched and I want to

know what you're going to do about it.

Well, don't be ridiculous, Piggots. All
you have is a mild post -operative

infection. Yes, and why? Because the
standard of hygiene in this hospital is

great deal to be desired.

We have the highest fatality rate in the
country.

Streptococci is rampant in the canteen.

It's the only thing that gives the food
any taste.

There's nothing wrong with it, good
Piggots.

There's nothing right with it. it all
comes out of packets where's the

in that they should throw the food away
and boil the packets at least we get

some vitamins get back into bed at once
no it's time someone stood up for the

patients everybody ignores us it's time
we had our say we've been kept in

ignorance too long and that's my main
complaint nobody tells us a bloody thing

Well, you shouldn't complain. It's a
wonderful hospital. They work miracles

every day. I, for one, can't speak too
highly of them.

He's right, Roy. Don't whine. Be a man.
Take life as it comes. Make it swell you

in the eye. Live each tear as though it
were your last. Enough of this

platitude, Archie.

Let's tell the truth for once.

Let's show the public what it's really
like.

This is my show.

I know I am. I'm sure I am. I make
things seem wild.

Yes, I make things seem wild.

I make things seem wild.