Original subtitles

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P -P -Y.

Hear that?

Saxophones. Hear it.

There's a dance at the staff social club. It's rather romantic, isn't it?

Romantic? It should be stopped.

Why? People in hospital shouldn't have to listen to that. I bet it's driving

them mad in orthopaedic. All them feet tapping away inside plaster casts.

I think it's romantic. Can't you imagine it, Pete?

Gliding with a beautiful woman through the dancing throng, turning this way and

that, under a myriad of glittering lights, moving as one, hearts beating as

Yeah, and falling over as one.

That's what would happen if you tried gliding through the dancing throng,

It's just a brawl these days. It's all limbo dancing and doing the splits.

I was a beautiful dancer.

Full of rhythm.

Really?

The pot trot, that was my speciality. Yeah, well, it would be being an hunting

man. That and throwing bread rolls.

I didn't throw bread rolls.

Oh, I remember those mid -thumb of balls.

The women beautifully gone, dancing on the terrace. The music mingling with

the... A scent of honeysuckle and my partner, dark and vivacious, following

every move and me in white tie and tails, bending her to my will.

Bending her to your will? I thought that came afterwards, down by the tennis

courts.

I wouldn't expect you to appreciate it, Figgis. After all, what do you know

about dancing?

Quite a lot, as a matter of fact. You've obviously never heard of the Roy Figgis

Formation Dancers. Well, they don't exactly spring to mind. We were very big

the South. We should have won the area final. Why didn't you? Not enough

sequins.

Then what have you got against the music? Doesn't it bring it all back to

Oh, that's the trouble. It makes you realise what you're missing.

Oh, they'll be letting the balloons down soon. I always enjoyed that. Grabbing

the biggest balloon and bursting everyone else's with your faggot.

Yes, and then they play The Last Waltz and you feel that this may be your

of destiny and you look deep into her eyes and ask her that question that's

trembling on your lips all evening. Do you or don't you?

No. Can I see you home? And she says, now I'm with a friend. And you say,

a pity because I've got my chewing gum stuck in your ear.

Well, you won't get many refusals down there tonight because there's a shortage

of men. They say the nurses have to dance with each other. Oh, what a

waste. I heard that some of the nurses crept into one of the wards last week

had a last waltz with the patients.

What?

Blimey, why didn't they come in here?

Oh, I could just do with a slow waltz, a few drinks, soft music.

Why don't we ask them to call on us?

Well, I must say, I find that I don't...

Idea rather attractive. We could use one of the private rooms. They're usually

standing empty. It's an absolute waste of a taxpayer's money.

It's a great idea.

We could get some drinks in, have bowls of crisps, borrow a record player. You

can count me out. Why?

I can't dance.

What?

What was all that about gliding through a throng with a beautiful woman, turning

this way and that under a myriad of light?

Well, I've often imagined what it would be like.

I tried it with a book once.

Well, that's the trouble, Norman. You're supposed to do it with a woman.

You can't learn. from a book. Yes, you can. You follow these footprints.

Well, what good's that? You want to be a dancer and attract a dog?

I did go to a dance once.

Well, how did you get on? I was all right on the straight bits, but I

turn the corners.

That's because you hadn't mastered the reverse turn. That's something every

dancer must know how to turn. You can't expect them to leave the doors open for

you. Watch, I'll show you.

Oh, that's very goofy.

Lovely, Roy. Chassé reverse turn.

Cross chassis.

Zigzag.

Fishtank.

Oh, I can do the lot, mate.

Oh, but don't let it get too complicated.

Why don't you try something simpler? Come on, do a slow waltz. Do it with me.

Oh, now I feel silly. Come on, you're far too self -conscious. That's your

trouble. Now, come on. Now, the man holds the lady's right hand in his left,

palm to palm, thumbs crossed.

Place the right hand under the lady's shoulder blade very lightly.

No grubby fingers on the brocade, and no grogan for the bra strap.

Off we go, and mind the end of me dress. You all must look happy.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

See? It's easy.

Now talk to me.

Talk to you? I can't talk and dance at the same time. You've got to.

This is your golden opportunity.

You've got me to yourself at last.

Go on.

Do you come here often?

Isn't that all you can say?

I should be remarking on the colour of my eyes, my vivacious good looks.

Excuse me. Please, gentlemen, one at a time.

Oh, hello, Doctor.

You are getting back into bed things, aren't you, Norman? I'm sorry, Doctor.

was amusing. It got me going. I was just jumping over the few steps. Yes, so I

see. Well, it's not good enough. I'm disappointed in you figures. Don't

Doctor. He was saving the last waltz for you.

I hope, Doctor, that last verse of it was deplorable.

Oh, do you know about it? What does he know about it? Mr. Topp is the proper

guest on this level, isn't he?

I don't think we...

He got it for ballroom dancing.

I didn't think it was for surgery.

What's that, Figgis? I suppose you'll be going down there later.

Well, I may go down there and tread a measure, Figgis. You know, I look at

Doctor, I can see that you're a dancing man. It's the way your body is swaying

to the music.

I do have this innate sense of rhythm.

What's it like down there with all the nurses?

I bet they get a bit wild when they get to the bottom of the old fudge bowl.

Wild? nonsense club. It's all good, clean, healthy exercise. We have the

the barn dance, the gag, all... The Paul Jones?

Don't forget the Paul Jones.

What fun that is. What excitement.

We all join hands and we dance in the circle like this.

And when the music stops, who is going to be there? What will it be? The heart

is pounding.

Will it be the thin lady from X -Ray or the big blonde Rosalind with the

magnificent...

want to unsettle them. Don't worry, Doctor. I don't find the Paul Jones

particularly erotic.

Don't you do anything modern?

Oh, goodness, yes.

Suddenly the lights are dead, and they begin to play the tango.

Mr. Top puts the rollers between his teeth.

See the lady?

They glide across the floor, cheek to cheek. You would not get a hand between

them. I close these windows, Gupta, otherwise you could have a very deterred

night. Don't you listen to the music, Mr. Tom? The music can have a very

disturbing effect, Gupta.

The sensuous, insidious rhythms, the incessant beat of the drum. It can bring

out the baseless animal instincts.

Civilization is only skin deep, Gupta.

You've only got to scratch figures to find the savage.

Just a moment.

I think that's a rumba.

I don't want to miss that. Excuse me.

Very nice, Eileen. We can't go on meeting like this.

Oh, be quiet.

Before you abandon all restraint, I'll have you know I'm a sick man.

You're not acting like a sick man. Hey, did you enjoy the dance last night?

Not really.

There weren't enough men. Oh, yes.

Well, listen, we're having a little do tonight. Private ward, nine o 'clock,

soft light, sweet music, a few twiglets. Why don't you come and bring a few

friends? Is it somebody's birthday?

In a manner of speaking, I'm hoping it's going to be mine.

I'm not sure I'd like to say that.

Well, what do you say?

Are you sure it'll be all right? Yeah, it's all been arranged.

A few drinks, light refreshments, a little dancing, a sort of group therapy.

Nine o 'clock? Yes.

Private wing? That's right. You can't miss it. It'll be the room with the

balloons. Well, I'm not doing anything tonight.

Right. See you later.

Is it all fixed up? All arranged. The word's gone out. There should be quite a

crowd. Did you get the drink? Yes, vodka.

A Cossack's revenge. They won't know what's in a... Well, I'm not drinking

It's not good for you. Of course it's good for you. How do you think Cossacks

get down on their knees and throw their legs about?

Who protects the joints? It also has the advantage of being odourless and

tasteless. Well, if it's odourless and tasteless, why bother to drink it?

Because it can also render you legless and senseless.

Well, I'm not drinking that. Don't worry, Norman. I'll get some vermouth

some... Very nice, Archie. That'll add a little class to the proceedings.

Mind you, nothing below 80 % proof.

Right, now, did you get the record player, Norman? Oh, yes.

Mother brought it in.

Where's the plug?

No, no, you wind it up.

Wind it up?

Well, this is a dance, not Desert Island Discs.

You can't break off in the middle of a dance to wind up the gramophone. Oh,

don't worry, I'll be in charge of this. No, you won't, cos you'll be dancing.

Oh, do I have to? Of course you have to, love. Come on and practice those steps

I showed you. I still can't turn.

That's all right. We'll wedge the door open for you. Excuse me, Arthur. Can I

borrow that?

Here you are, Norman. Here's your partner.

Gentlemen!

Why is that young man dancing with a broom? Because he couldn't find a woman,

mate. We're a very man -oriented group round here, mate, and it's either the

broom or me and people are beginning to talk. Nonsense, Mr Figgis. There's far

too much laxity around here. Things need to be tightened up.

I've even heard that the strong drink has been smuggled into the hospital.

Strong drink?

Did you hear that, Archie? Whatever next?

Well, I shall get to the bottom of it.

I'm sure Mr Thorpe would be surprised and shocked to know what's going on if

were to know that one of his patients was whirling around on the end of a

He'd be appalled.

Now, watch me, Norman.

It's a quarter turn followed by a quarter chassis.

Slow, quick, quick step. Keep your weight on the ball's feet. Listen to

you've got and what you're doing to that.

Mr Thorpe!

Ah, there you are, Mr Thorpe. Good evening, Matron. Is it?

A day to part.

The stands of this hospital are in decline, Mr Thorpe.

Discipline is lax and the patients are out of hand.

It is not a good evening.

Quite. Now, will you excuse me for my brother's time? Time? You showed no

of tiredness this afternoon when you were dancing with that broom.

I was astonished, Mr Thorpe. Well, it was all quite harmless.

Well, I wouldn't have described it as harmless. You appear to be in the grip

Saturday night fever.

No wonder the health service is in disarray.

Are you aware that strong drink is being smuggled into this hospital?

Strong drink? Sure. Of course I'm sure. We're finding the empties everywhere.

We must be vigilant, Mr Thorpe. Right.

But if you need me, I'll be in the private wing. I must get some rest. I'm

call later.

On call?

Well, I only hope you have the strength to answer.

Remember, Mr Thorpe, many are called, but few are chosen.

Yes, I quite agree. And I think you're worrying I'm duly drinking in the

hospital. Not my patients.

That's right. Pour it all in, then we'll get rid of the bottles.

Listen. What happened to the rest of it? You haven't drunk it, have you? Of

course not. I'm still standing, aren't I? Now Norman's taken some down already.

No -one will suspect him. And why should they? A carafe containing a colourless

liquid looking exactly like water, but in reality a lethal cocktail guaranteed

to take the starch out of the stiffest apron.

Come on, let's get rid of these.

What are you doing?

Why aren't you in bed?

We're going to see the late film. You said it would be all right. Don't you

remember? No, I don't remember.

Oh, you did, didn't he, Archie? Yes, I remember it distinctly.

It's all right for you to go and watch television. I'm stuck in this place.

I'm fed up, I tell you.

I'm out on my feet, but no one cares. We care, Gupta. That's why we're going. We

know you'll run off your feet. We just don't want to be a burden to you.

Why are you being nice to me, Figgis?

I'm not being nice. Just common humanity, that's all. Well, we'll be

If I was not on tonight, I would not be watching television.

Down in the social club, dancing with the big English lady.

I'm fed up, I tell you.

I hate night duty.

Oh,

that's very strange. What do you think, Archie? There's definitely something

there, isn't there?

Yes, it's fluoride.

They've overdone it again.

They don't care, do they?

compulsory mass medication.

I don't agree with it. After all, what does it get you? A perfect set of

choppers and a stomach like the inside of an old kettle. I'll throw it away.

I'll look after it.

What are you waiting for? You go, enjoy yourself.

Don't worry about Gupta. No one cares about him.

Are you quite comfortable, staff? Oh, please, don't get up. I'd hate to

you. Where are the patients?

They're watching television.

They should be in bed.

No, I should be in bed.

What? I've been on all day and all night. I'm very tired.

All I want to do is rest my head on a deep, soft pillow and sleep forever.

Now, come along, Star. You mustn't give in like this. Remember, you're a nurse.

Please don't call me that.

I'm a man. You are a woman.

Very beautiful woman.

What?

Really? Stop. Sit down.

Take the weight off your feet. Let us do the backward away.

Now then, stop.

I, uh... I know that you've been on duty a long time.

And I know that you've been under considerable strain.

I... I do sympathize.

But you really mustn't give in like this.

Perhaps I can get you some assistance.

Thank you.

Well, where are all the girls?

Don't worry, they'll be along in a minute. I knew it, it's going to be a

complete sham. No, it isn't. They'll be down here in droves. I don't think we

should be in here. Oh, will you be quiet, Archie? Pour him a drink while I

the urdy -gurdy. Yes, all right.

a veteran.

What did you think?

It's very smooth, isn't it?

Well, of course. It was mixed by an expert.

Steady, Norman. You don't want to overdo it. Let's see what we've got here.

A runaway train.

A teddy bear's picnic.

A change in guards at Buckingham Palace.

We can't play these. Haven't you got anything else?

Oh, here we are.

Begin the begin.

Ah, that's more like it.

Well, what are we going to do now? Send out the three brooms?

Don't worry.

They'll be along in a minute.

There you are. What did I tell you?

Coming, darling.

Where are the others?

They're not coming. What do you mean they're not coming? When I told them it

you three, they wouldn't come.

I knew it was going to be a complete sham. No, it isn't. There'll be others.

word's gone out. You're lucky you got here before the rush. You want to seize

your opportunity.

What's that music?

It's the beginning.

Would you care to dance?

I don't know it.

Then you'll just have to put yourself into my hands.

Let me conjure up a tropical night heavy with the scent of jasmine.

Excuse us.

There's not much room.

Then we'll just have to dance closely.

What's the matter?

Your moustache is tickling my ear.

Oh, concentrate for a moment.

Imagine an island paradise.

And down on the shore, an orchestra playing.

And even the palms.

seem to be swaying. It brings back a memory evergreen.

That's lovely.

Do you make it up yourself?

I'm a master of words.

That's too slow. Would you speed it up, you idiot?

Who are you calling an idiot? You be careful. I've been drinking.

Watch it, Archie. He's on his fourth class. It's not my fault he can't hold

drink. Wind it up, Figgis. You wind it up yourself.

Will you be quiet, Norman? I'm talking to the organ grinder, not his monkey.

I want more speed.

Well, I'll give you more speed.

There we are, team.

Well, we're 78 already.

Would you tell them to stop messing about with this ground? All right, all

right. Come on, let's see what else we've got. There we are. Now look, a

of Glendale.

Right, I am going to dance. Now I'm going to dance and no one is going to

me. Come here, Ivy.

I shall lead with my left foot, then go into a reverse turn.

Followed by a shaggy.

Flow, quick, quick. Flow, flow.

Excuse me.

No. Excuse me, darling.

Say. I do.

Shove off. You've had your turn. Don't talk to me like that, you little

pipsqueak. Don't call me a pipsqueak. I'm feeling very aggressive.

You want to be careful, Archie. Drink gets some people like that.

Anyway, there's no need to fall out. There'll be plenty more along the

No, but this music... Oh, come on, Arlie. Have a drink.

There, now. This should sort you out.

You'll feel better after that.

It's like silk, isn't it?

It's more like water, if you ask me.

I think I'll push it up.

Did you see that? She thinks it tastes like water. It's going to hit her

like a bomb.

Let's see if I can find a tango to get her in the mood.

This is your day of destiny, my dear.

Prepare yourself for the experience of a lifetime.

Figgis is about to perform the tango.

Rudolph Valentino, eat your arca.

Go, go!

Figgis, what do you think you're doing?

I'm just having a bit of a knees -up, Doctor. Knees -up? Not my year of

experience. I've never seen you this effective. I'm sorry, Doctor.

Tell him to sing his hook. Shut up, Norman.

We didn't mean any harm, and please, don't blame Nurse.

We just thought it would be rather frantic. Rather frantic?

Spectacular. You're off balance, Figgis. Your interpretation was abysmal, and

your back caught you as a joke.

I suppose you think you could do better.

View the music, Figgis. Let it bring out the laughing in you. Picture that

crowded fellow, Montmartre, with the flickering candles.

See her wanton movement through the flame.

You take a rose of colour, but she...

and push aside her admire and take her by the wrist.

Mr Thorpe!

Have you taken leave of your sentence?

Where do you think you are? Hammersmith Ballet?

I was just giving a little demonstration meeting.

In your dressing gown?

Good heavens, I forgot.

You seem to have forgotten everything, Mr Thorpe.

You've forgotten your position in this hospital, you've forgotten your duty to

your patients, and you've forgotten your responsibility as a surgeon.

I'll see you in the morning, when you're sober.

Nurse, come with me.

Beat it, I can explain.

Kick it.

That's done it. I said it would be a sham. Poor old Thorpe. Well, I thought

was very good. I could just see that cellar in Monty Martyr with its

vandals and her mountain movements through the plain. Shut up, Norman,

drunk. Have I really? Yes, drunk as a fiddler's bitch.

I know one thing I wish I was.

I was going to be out of pay in the morning.

Well, there's only one thing for it, Roy.

Yeah.

Why not?

Cheers.

Ciao, Grandma.

Ciao,

Grandma.

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