All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s02e06 The Lost Sheep

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y. I know I am, I'm sure
I am. He's H

-A -P -P -Y.

Quit. Bust.

The liquor's coming. So what?

You're gambling.

That's all right. It's not Sunday. We'd
have had the church built.

I think we'd better put the cards away.

Why should we? Why should we act
differently just because he's a vicar?

I happen to respect the cloth figure.

You also happen to be losing.

That's not the point. He's a decent chap
and I don't want to offend him. Well,

of course you don't. You're bound to
stick together. After all, the Church of

England's only the Tory party at prayer.

We all know what you're praying for,
higher dividends, lower wages, and that

Arthur Scargill falls down a pit shaft.

What Archie means, Vig, is that the
church doesn't approve of gambling.

Oh, yes, well, if it doesn't approve of
gambling, why is he always selling us

them raffle tickets that cost us all a
fortune every week?

That's different. That's for a good
cause. For the church restoration fund.

last time I was in it, it wasn't the
church that needed restoring, it was

the congregation.

Oh, chap.

Oh, no, Vig, I... Hello, Vicar.
Surprised to see you, Vicar, a nice

like this. You must be low down in the
batting order again.

Well, I thought later I might just get a
knock, figures.

No, I thought I'd come in and spread the
good tidings. What good tidings?

Someone in here has won the raffle.

What?

Won the raffle?

What's the number?

135. 135?

I think that's fine.

Here it is.

Oh, that's great.

Congratulations,

Glover. I'm absolutely delighted.

Yes, it certainly restores your faith in
religion, Vicar. It's a clear case of

the sun shining on the righteous.

Here's your prize, Glover. It's £25.

£25? I think he's going to faint.

I wish it could be more, but the church
is in such dire need of money, we do

need every...

penny we can get.

Yes, I quite understand. And next time
you've got some tickets to sell, do drop

by, Vicar.

Yes, well, look, I must be running out
of this suppressing engagement.

Oh, your turn with the heavy roller, is
it, Vicar?

Shut up, Vicar. Do you think I could
have a word with you, Vicar? What?

Now? Normally, yes. In private?

What? Couldn't it be later this
afternoon, after Stump's had drawn? A

Yes, certainly, Vicar. Thanks. You're
welcome.

Oh, love, what do you want to talk for
him for, then, eh? Is it a crisis of

conscience? Have you been having those
impure thoughts again? Certainly not.

As I told you, Jenny and I are thinking
of getting married, and I just wanted to

ask the vicar how to go about it.

How to go about it?

What makes you think he'll know?

If you want to know how to go about it,
I shouldn't ask him.

All he'll tell you to do is play a
straight bat and trust in the Lord.

I was... I was talking about the wedding
fig.

There's the bands to be read and the
hymns to be chosen, and someone's got to

tell Mother. I don't know what we're
going to say to her.

Just leave it to the vicar, Norman.
He'll sort it out. He's a good man.

Good man.

I notice he never speaks to me. He never
speaks to me unless I speak to him

first. Well, what do you expect? You're
a bloody atheist.

He should be saving my soul, not
ignoring it. He could be wrestling for

immortal spirit. You've got to want to
be saved.

You've got to have faith.

Now, my faith is a simple one. Yes, it
would have to be.

I see it as a cycle.

There's life and there's death.

And it's all perfectly natural.

There's nothing natural about dying,
mate. You try holding your breath. You

don't worry me, Figgis.

Because I know he's up there watching
over us. He may be watching over you.

certainly not watching over me.

Of course he's watching over you. If
he's concerned about the fall of a

surely he's concerned about you.

You think so?

Yes. After all, you pulled through your
operation.

That's true. That certainly had all the
signs of divine intervention.

They still haven't found that scalpel.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about
that just lately.

Why was I saved?

It certainly makes one wonder.

You know, I bet you haven't been in
church since you were christened. Oh, I

don't think that's true, is it, Roy? No,
it isn't. There you are. I wasn't

christened.

But that's terrible, Roy.

Why weren't you christened, Vic?

Well, it wasn't deliberate.

I was born during the Blitz. We couldn't
find a church with a roof on.

We were too busy dodging bombs, mate.

By the time it was over, I'd outgrown me
christening gown.

Fancy not being christened. I always
knew there was something peculiar.

There's nothing peculiar in it. At least
I'm not a hypocrite. We all know where

that £25 is going, don't we? It's going
to pay off your gambling debts.

Don't be ridiculous. Well, I think it's
scandalous.

Using church money for betting.

I may not be christened, but I wouldn't
stoop to that.

You could still be christened, Fig. It's
not too late. I could have a word with

the vicar. You're wasting your time,
Norman. He's too big for the fun.

Good news, my dear Figures. Your
stitches are coming out today. What?

Nobody told me about that.

Are you sure they're ready?

Of course they're ready. I hope you're
right.

I knew something like this was going to
happen. You've been far too cheerful all

day. Are your hands steady?

Don't be such a baby. It's as simple as
ABC. It can't be that simple. I'm not

right down here. I'm not joined up
properly. I'm sure me left side's lower

me right. Come along, Figgis.

Oh, taking me somewhere where they can't
hear the screams, eh?

It's times like this I wish I had your
simple faith, Archie. Do not worry,

Figgis. You won't feel a thing. Why?

Is there an anaesthetic?

Of course there's no anaesthetic. Oh, I
see. We're doing it on the cheap again,

are we?

Are you a religious man, Gupta?

Oh, yes, I'm Hindu. We are very
religious people.

Oh, Hindu?

The way you've been pulling these
stitches out, I thought you might be a

of the Taghi. Keep still.

They're allowed to throttle people,
aren't they, Gupta?

Do not tempt me, Figgis.

Think it's all right as long as they
don't shed human blood?

No, well, you couldn't be a member of
all the human blood you've shed round

here. There is no such thing as a Taghi.
It is an ancient cult which died out

many years ago.

Oh, like that idea where the wife had to
hop on the bonfire of her dead husband.

I bet the husbands lived longer in them
days.

There was no hanging about for the
insurance, was there? And no expensive

funerals either.

All you needed was a packet of fire
lighters and you could both enter the

of Nirvana together.

Of course, you believe in reincarnation,
don't you, Gupta?

Yes, that is right.

We believe that the way you live in this
life determines how you return.

You could come back as a man or an
animal or even a common insect.

Oh, I don't think I'd fancy that very
much.

With my luck, I'd probably come back as
housefly and get thumped with the radio

times.

Oh, not so bad, Doctor.

Thank you, Gupta.

I see gussets are in.

What are you talking about?

It's hardly made to measure, is it?

I think you've moved the button too far
across and it's tight in the crutch.

Start complaining, for heaven's sake,
Figgins. For heaven's sake, Doctor.

Are you calling on a higher power?

Beg your pardon?

For heaven's sake.

It's amazing, isn't it, how when we're
desperate, we always call on our maker.

I'm not desperate, Figgins. You would
have perfectly...

Normal operation.

Don't tell me there wasn't any panic
down there. Even I felt it and I was

unconscious.

Good Lord, King, it's... There you go
again.

What? You've done it again.

Done what?

Good Lord.

Isn't that primitive man's cry for help,
Doctor? An appeal to a higher power

than ourselves?

No, it is not, King. As a matter of
fact, I'm an agnostic.

An agnostic? I didn't know that.

You mean you don't believe anything
either?

Blimey. It's a wonder I pulled through
at all.

Are you sure you're an agnostic? Yes,
will you please be quiet? I'm trying to

carry out an examination.

Sorry, Doctor.

You know, I've been thinking about
what's happened to me.

I think it might be a punishment.

You think it's a punishment, Figures?
It's not exactly roses for me.

A punishment for a wasted life.

It is not a punishment, Figures. You're
in here because you've eaten too many

fried meals, too many meals out of
newspapers, snatched too many

smoked too many cigarettes.

And it's certainly right.

Do you believe in an angry God, Doctor?
No, I do not.

You mean you think he's benign? Yes, I
think he's benign. I think that's why he

intervened. I think I've been saved, but
I don't know for what purpose.

Neither do I think it.

Though I take it from your conversation
that the vicar's been in again.

I must say I don't like the easel which
converts my patience to the distinct

lack of confidence.

Why do we have to pick up a scalper when
they're preparing for the hereafter?

It's not that, Doctor. It's just being
in hospital. It gives you time to think,

to wonder what it's all about.

Perhaps I'm being tested.

Strength through suffering.

You're suffering? Good heavens, what
about me? You've done it again.

What? Good heavens, and you say you're
an agnostic?

Looking for Norman.

I think he's in the day room. I'll look
him out, then.

No, don't go, Vic. I wonder if I could
have a word.

Yes. There's something I'd like to know.

Yes, certainly, Figgis. What is it?

What's it like up there?

Do you mean in maternity?

No, I mean in heaven.

Heaven? Yes.

I've often wondered that myself.

You mean you don't know?

Well, not really.

Well, that's not very good, is it? I
mean, you're the one who's recommending

all to go.

Well, how would I know, Figgis? I've
never been there.

We had a travel agent like you once.

He recommended this marvellous holiday
in Spain, and when we got there, the

hotel wasn't finished.

Figgis, don't worry.

Heaven is wonderful in paradise.

That's what he said. We came back on the
Wednesday.

I don't think you'll be able to do that,
Figgis. Well, then you ought to know

what it's like. I mean, you should have
some idea.

Now, Figgis, Don't worry. Have faith and
all will be revealed at the proper

time.

What's hell like, then?

Well, I'm not totally certain about that
either.

You don't seem to be sure about
anything, do you?

But if I asked you the England batting
averages, you'd know them.

Well, I've often thought that hell is
being denied heaven.

You mean something like the National
Health Service?

Not exactly. Tell me, is anything
troubling you, Figgis?

Well, yes, there is, as a matter of
fact, Vicar. You see, I've got this

and he hasn't had his child christened,
and it's beginning to worry him.

Now, what I want to know, well, what
this friend of mine wants to know is, if

anything happened, would he go to
heaven? I would say that every hope,

Remember, our Lord said, suffer the
little children to come unto me.

Yes.

So you think he'd get in?

Well, I'm not saying that he won't get
in, but I do think it would help

if he was a member.

I see. Well, I'll tell my friend that.
Thank you. See you later, Fitz.

There he goes, the last of the great
evangelists.

Ah, there you are, Norman.

Now, what can I do for you? Well, I'm
thinking of getting married.

Oh, congratulations, Norman.

I'm delighted for you. And I was
wondering if you could give me some

Advice? Well, I don't think I'm quite
the right person to go into bat on this

one, you know.

I'm not a married man and I don't speak
from experience, but I've always thought

that marriage is a sort of partnership.
It's based on mutual understanding and

trust. The sort of partnership of,
say...

Hobbs and Sutcliffe.

I'm not talking about cricket. I'm
talking about the wedding. Oh, the

Yes, well, of course, we'll have to have
the hymns and then the bands must be

read. Do we have to have the bands read?
Only I don't want my mother to know.

Norman, you're not thinking of getting
married without the knowledge of your

mother, without her being there.

If my mother's there, I can choose the
hymns now. Fight the good fight,

by rescue the perishing.

Norman, don't worry. Before we do any
more, I'll have a... tactful word with

your mother. No one's ever been able to
have a tactful word with my mother.

Mind you, if you told her in church, at
least you'd be able to claim sanctuary.

Don't you worry. Leave it with me,
Norman.

Oh, there was one other thing, only it's
rather confidential.

It's about a christening.

A christening?

Yes, I can't say any more at the moment
because I'm speaking on behalf of a

friend.

A friend?

Yes, I see. You won't say anything?

No, your secret's quite safe with me.
Only it's been left rather late. Yes,

I understand.

What? Now, Figgis told me in strictest
confidence, of course, the church is

understanding than you think about these
things, Norman. I know that life can

tab up a few bunkers from time to time,
but why don't we have a discreet little

ceremony down in the chapel, say,
Wednesday?

Yes, I think, as soon as possible.

Norman, you know, I'm delighted you're
getting married.

It's good to see a young man shouldering
his responsibilities.

Well, it won't be long now, Roy. Keep
your voice down. I don't want everyone

know. I feel ridiculous enough as it is.
Now, are you sure he said it would be

all right? Don't worry. It's going to be
a discreet little ceremony down in the

chapel. Have you decided on your new
name yet, Roy?

Well, I had thought of one.

You won't laugh? No, of course not.

Well, I thought, since I'm making a new
beginning, I'd call myself Brand.

Brand.

I knew you'd laugh.

No. No, I think it's a good idea. You've
heard of Malcolm X. You could be Brand

X.

Well, at least it's better than
Archibald. What's wrong with Archibald?

foppish. That's what's wrong with it.
It's not foppish.

It means truly brave.

Oh, does it? By the way, you behave
sometimes. You ought to change it to

frightened.

Norman means man of the north.

You're not a man of the north. You come
from Watford.

It's hardly a romantic name, is it?

Norman? I don't think I'd like to be
called Norman.

No, I always wanted to be called Gerard.

Gerard? Yes, it's old German. It means
hard spear.

Does it?

You never know where you are with names.
I mean, years ago, you had Rudolph

Valentino, so your parents called you
Rudolph.

So there you are, a heroic star of the
celluloid screen.

Thirty years later, you're a red -nosed
reindeer.

I think I'll stick to my own two names.
It's much safer.

Good. Now, what have you decided about
godparents?

Godparents? I didn't know I had to have
godparents. Oh, yes, he's insisting on

it. Well, where am I going to find
godparents? Well, I'll be one, Fig. You

be a godparent. You're younger than I
am. No, they like them young, and we'll

need another one. Now, what about you,
Archie? Me?

No, I'd rather you ask someone else.

Oh, I suppose I'm not good enough for
you. No, no, it's not that, Roy. I'd be

really proud to be your godfather. It's
just that I'm not in a state of grace at

the moment.

Oh, yes.

What have you done, Archie? I can't tell
you, Norman.

It's something between me and my
conscience.

Something from your murky past?

I know. You seduced the housemaid and
sacked her on Christmas Eve without

references.

Don't be ridiculous.

No, it's much more recent than that.
What, in here? How did you manage that?

It's not that big midwife, is it?

Certainly not. No, it's just that I've
done something I'm not very proud of and

I'd prefer it if you are common health.
A decent, clean living type. We won't

find anyone like that round here.

Besides, to err is human.

To forgive, divine.

Roy's right, Archie. Do you think so?

Yes. Besides, I'm an early. I've got to
take what I can get. Now, are you ready?

No, I don't want any fuss. Just a casual
walk down there. Now, you haven't told

anyone, have you? Of course, I just want
to go in there, get it over and get

out. A nice, quiet ceremony.

Yes, Vicar.

I'm delighted to see so many gathered
together to witness this truly happy

event, the bringing of our little lost
lamb back into the folds of the church.

What are the names, Norman?

Royston James, Vicar. Royston James.

Delightful. I'd like to remind you all
that this is a christening, and I don't

want you to worry if Royston James...

doesn't behave himself or makes a lot of
noise this is a joyful occasion

and a time for rejoicing now would one
of the godparents take royston

james in his arms

isn't it, Archie? I know. I'm going down
there in a minute.

I'm just studying form.

What's the matter with you, Figgis?
Nothing.

As the dog returneth to his vomit, so
the fool returneth to his folly.

Yuck. Proverbs 26, verse 11.

How would you like a punch on the nose?
You can't do that, Archie. Well, he

called me a fool. He was only trying to
help you. Well, you tell him to stop

quoting the Bible at me. Well, calm
down. Calm down? They are drunken, but

with wine. Isaiah 29, verse 9. He's at
it again.

Archie.

No, don't stop him, Norman.

After all, I wouldn't be the first
person to be martyred for my beliefs.

You know, he's been like that ever since
the christening. He's certainly

changed. Of course I've changed. I've
undergone a deep mystical experience.

Well, don't inflict it on us.

I'm only trying to save you from
yourself, Archie. I don't want to be

know that.

If it hadn't been for you, we could have
had a Bible study class in here.

Norman was agreeable, but no, you prefer
the racing section.

Gambling's a curse, Archie.

Look, would you save your sermons for
Sundays, Figgis?

Archie, religion isn't just for one day
a week. It's with us all the time.

Let's make every day Sunday, Archie.
Well, I wouldn't like that. There's no

racing on Sundays.

You see, it's an obsession.

Well, I'm not the only one with an
obsession. Just because you've joined

church, there's no need to get so
puritanical. Where are you going,

going to watch the racing. I'll say a
prayer for you. Well, while you're at

would you say one for Lester Figgis?
I've got my shirt on him.

Norman? Not just now, Roy. I've got 5p
on him as well.

What

are

you looking at, Figgis? I'm looking at
you, Gupta.

Why don't you give it up? What?

This worship of Kali, goddess of death
and destruction.

Why don't you join us, brother?

I don't wish to join you, because I am
Hindu.

I know, but it doesn't work over here,
does it?

It's too cold for ritual bathing for a
staff.

And you can't float a funeral pyre down
the Thames. They tried it. The

waterboard were on them in a flash.

It might be all right for Mother Ganges,
but not below Barnes Bridge.

You're living in a Western society.

When was the last time you saw a sacred
cow walking through Woolworths?

It would simplify things for you.

Simplify things?

There is nothing simple about your
religion.

You have Protestants and Catholics,
Baptists, Wesleyans, Methodists,

Quakers. Everyone is different.

Ah, yes.

But we all wear crash helmets, don't we?

I wear a crash helmet. You see, you're
halfway there already.

Please stop trying to convert me,
figures.

And how are we... day figures. Not so
good, Doctor. I'm still not right down

here, but I don't complain.

These things were sent to try us.

I don't understand it. I'm glad you have
the courage to admit that, Doctor.

Should we confer with a higher power?

What do you mean, bring in the
consultant?

In a manner of speaking, should we try a
prayer, Doctor?

What, here?

Why not?

What are the patients going to think if
I start kneeling by their bedside and

praying for them?

Send them into a blind panic.

I've got news for you, Doctor.

They are in a blind country.

It might improve your success rate.

There's nothing wrong with my success
rate, Figgis. You've only been a

practicing Christian for five minutes,
and already you're more trouble than

tighty -toots.

I think I preferred you when you were a
communist.

Getting through to you, am I? Feeling
remorse?

No, I am not feeling remorse, Figgis.
I'm delighted you've found consolation

religion. You've got a very delicate
balance to keep here.

Hindu, Muslim, Christian. I don't want
you starting a crusade.

What ever happened to quiet meditation
and silent witness?

But why be silent about it, Doctor? If
the trumpet shall make an uncertain

sound, who shall prepare himself for
battle? Corinthians 14, verse 8.

Battle? There's not going to be a
battle, is there, Figgis? I won't have

won't have you upsetting the smooth
running of this hospital.

Now, we're all perfectly prepared to
respect your views.

Why can't you respect other people's
views?

I blame the Church for most of the
trouble in this world.

I'd like to take all the care to... Oh,
hello, Figgis.

Lovely day.

Yes. Could I have a word with you,
please, Doctor?

Certainly.

What is it? I think your
excommunication's come through.

What's the matter, Archie?

Nothing. Oh, come on.

Something's troubling you. What is it,
old son? You can't help me, Figgis. No

one can.

I've lost a lot. Well, never mind,
Archie. You've been broke before.

It's not just that.

I've done something I'm ashamed of, Fig.
I thought so.

Well, I've got good news for you,
Archie. Blessed is the sinner who

Come on now, tell me what it is.

I can't. Why not? Remember, confession
is good for the soul. Come on now, you

can tell me.

Well, what happened?

Come on.

You'll feel better.

Well, you remember that winning raffle
ticket, Roy?

It wasn't mine.

So that's it.

Yes. I didn't realise at first, and then
it was too late, and now I've spent the

lot. Whose ticket was it, then? Yours,
Roy.

Well, I didn't know how to tell you. I'm
not surprised, you crafty conniving

her, but you've had my 25 quid and spent
it. No, what about the sinner who

repented? What about my 25 quid?

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P
-P -Y.

Oh yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y. I know I am, I'm
sure I am.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y. H -A -P -P -Y.
Only when I laugh.

H -A -P -P -Y.