All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s02e05 The Visitors.eng

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

How many times do I have to tell you?
Will you stop this smoking? Get on your

beds and tidy up your locker.

What's the matter? Don't tell me the
Minister of Health don't walk about.

No, he's not. You know what is the
matter, Fergus. It's visiting time. Oh,

the visitors. Let's get everything neat
and tidy. Drop the bodies down the

laundry chute.

Kick the blood -stained bandages under
the bed. We mustn't offend the visitors.

Anybody who's planning to die, kindly
postpone it until after three o 'clock.

I hate visitors.

You never get any. Neither do you. Well,
do me a favour.

Edie lives the other side of London.
She's got four kids. I still think she

should come.

Why, don't you think four is enough?

Mother thinks you both look lonely. How
does she? Well, I'm not lonely.

She says she feels quite sorry for you.

She didn't feel sorry for me, Norman. I
don't want my friends to visit me. I

don't want them to see me in pain.

Why not, Archie? They might enjoy it.

I prefer them to remember me as I was.
Well, I think it's a shame. Well,

we could share your mother, Norman.

Ask her to squeeze a few grapes over us
sometime.

How could you do that, Roy? Whenever she
speaks to you, you pretend to be

asleep. Well, I don't want her telling
me every cloud has a silver lining and

it's always darkest before the dawn.

Well, I can't help feeling guilty that I
seem to be getting all the visitors.

Well, it doesn't seem to be doing you
much good. You don't look well.

No, I don't feel too good.

You still getting them hot sweats?

Yes. I think I've got flu. Flu?

Do me a favour.

Why, what do you think it is? Can you
stand the truth?

Yes. Malaria.

Malaria? You don't get malaria in
England? You mean it doesn't originate

England, but there's such a thing as
international travel, the world

Where did you go for your holidays?

Bournemouth. There you are, then.

What do you mean, there you are, then?
To get malaria, you've got to be bitten

by a mosquito.

That's right.

You don't get mosquitoes in Bournemouth.
That's what you think. What's just down

the road from Bournemouth?

Southampton, the docks.

When they open those holes, anything
could come out. There could be one

in a banana box, gets disturbed, it's a
mild summer's evening, comes wafting

down the coast road on a warm thermal
current, drawn to the bright lights of

Bournemouth, sees you on the terrace of
the pavilion sipping a light ale, goes

into a dive, bingo, from Uganda with
love straight in the back of the neck.

But it wouldn't survive in this climate.
Don't you believe it? I know a cloak

that's bitten in Clapham.

Not by a mosquito, surely?

No, it wasn't by a mosquito.

It was a tsetse fly.

Oh, I wish you'd shut up, Fig. I'm sick
and tired of your medical facts. There's

nothing wrong with me.

It's just a touch of flu.

What's got into him?

It's that mother of his. He's involved
in an emotional tug -of -war. What

emotional tug -of -war? Between her and
Jenny.

Oh, you mean that little night nurse?

Yes, she comes one day and his mother
comes the next, and he makes sure they

never meet. I'm not surprised with a
mother like that. I've watched her.

so possessive, always straightening his
hair and picking threads off him. What

do you expect?

He's a mother's boy.

I've told Jenny she's wasting her time.
He'd be far better off with dreary

Deirdre. Who's dreary Deirdre? The one
from the library with the glasses and

knitting needles.

But he doesn't like her.

No, but his mother does.

And she's his type, really. Normal
Norman and dreary Deirdre.

They'll make a perfect couple. Oh, yes,
I can see what's getting up your nose.

Because Jenny prefers Norman to the
older man.

Not so much of the older man, if you
don't mind, Piggott. It's just that I

want Jenny to make a mistake, that's
all.

Anyway, it wouldn't work.

He's emasculated.

They didn't do that to him, did they?
What they didn't?

Norman should listen to his mother.

There's probably no best in these
matters. The trouble is, you're jealous

him, both of you.

Talk about all the world loves a lover,
not round here it doesn't. I hope Thorpe

doesn't find out and we'll be back on
the bromide.

Bromide? They don't do that to us, do
they? No, they don't. Oh, no? How do you

explain all the strange changes in our
metabolism?

Well, I must say, I've been feeling a
lot better in that direction.

And the tea's certainly improved.

Well, I shall adopt my normal procedure
and pretend to be asleep.

Yes, well, I shall read.

Who wants visitors anyway?

Quite right, I guess.

Oh, hello, Jenny. Didn't expect to see
you today. Well, I couldn't sleep, so I

thought I'd come and surprise Norman.
Oh, thank you. All right. His mother

always comes on Wednesdays.

I know.

I'm looking forward to meeting her.
You're about the only one who is. Oh, I

don't know. I figured I wouldn't miss
this for the world.

Jenny.

What's the matter, Norman?

Well, actually, I'm not feeling too
good. I wonder if I'm strong enough for

visitors today.

Oh, that's all right. I'll just sit on
the bed quietly and hold your hand.

Why don't you talk to Figgis? He never
gets any visitors.

I wish you'd shut up about my lack of
visitors.

Oh, well, I'll sit between you.

Hello, Norman.

Hello, Mother.

Oh, my goodness.

You don't look at all well.

Oh.

Are you sure they're feeding you enough?

Yes, I'm all right, Mother.

Oh, all right. right. You wouldn't be
here if you were all right, Norman. The

trouble is you've inherited my weak
constitution.

It's a fact we've got the faith.

Still getting the headaches, Mother? Oh,
constantly.

But I never complain, Norman.

Oh, I've missed you in the garden. That
lawnmower was never meant to be pushed

by a woman.

I've had those stabbing pains under the
heart this time.

Never mind.

Let's talk about you.

I brought you a nice bag of apples.

Remember?

the doctor away?

Well, they haven't done me much good. I
had an apple a day for years and all I

got was appendicitis.

That's because you swallowed the pips.

Now, how many times did I warn you about
that? Not that you ever listened to

your mother. You've always been willful.

Oh, button up your jacket, darling. We
don't want you to get a chill not with

your weak chest. I haven't got a weak
chest. Don't contradict me, Norman.

I should know. I've had to live with it.

Oh,

the oil I've rubbed on that chest.

Mother.

has a silver lining.

Yes, and it's always darkest before the
dawn.

Who's that young girl visiting Mr.
Figgis? Is it his daughter?

No, no. This is Jenny. She's a nerd here
and actually she's visiting me.

What? Yes, yes. We have become friends.

Have you indeed?

Yes. I've been looking forward to
meeting you. He often talks about you.

he?

Well, I'm afraid he hasn't been so
forthcoming about you.

Strange you've never mentioned her,
Norman.

But then, of course, he's usually
talking about Deirdre.

Deirdre? Yes. She works in the library.

Studious, quiet girl. Wonderful
needlewoman.

She comes round most evenings.

She's absolutely fascinated about
Norman's stamp collection.

Of course, he's never been able to lead
a full social life, not with his

nosebleeds. I don't have nosebleeds. Oh,
I shouldn't worry about Norman if I

were you. I don't think there's much
wrong with him.

You may not think so, but I am his
mother and it's not been easy.

It runs in the family, he gets it from
me. And we've never been strong.

That's why he needs complete rest.

And I'm sure you as a nurse will
appreciate that.

Well, I think I'm going to have a word
with Mr Thorpe. Just to set my mind at

rest.

Oh, that's done it.

She doesn't like me very much, does she?
I did say she might be difficult. Now

she'll be getting one of her headaches.
I think you'd better go, Jenny. I

thought you were going to stand up to
her. I will.

I will.

I think you're frightened of her. Or
perhaps you prefer Deirdre.

Where are you going?

To the terrace. I find all this mother
love rather suffocating. Jenny!

Oh, crikey! What's the matter? I've got
a nosebleed!

and mop it up. You can't drip blood
here, not during visiting time.

Talk about life in the raw. It's like
watching Ibsen.

Well, if this is what happens when you
have visitors, I'm glad I don't get any.

I couldn't bear the emotional upheaval.
Yes, we could do without all this turgid

melodrama, especially in our condition.

Royston! Blimey, I'd almost given you
up.

I thought you'd never come.

I don't want you to come. You don't know
how much.

It's been just so difficult.

Have you missed me? Of course I've
missed you.

I've had collie wobbles all morning at
the thought of seeing you. You know the

effect you have on me.

Now let me have a look at you.

You've lost weight.

That's not all I've lost.

You are all right, aren't you? Of course
I'm not. I'm not all right down here

for a start.

I'm not joined together properly.

And I still can't cough.

I'm not talking about coughing, Royston.

Oh, that.

Oh, don't worry. I think I'm unimpaired
in that respect. In fact, I've felt

definite stirrings lately, which must
mean I'm on the mend.

Mind you, I'm not as pretty as I was.

There's a scar.

Is it very bad?

As long as the average zip fastener.

I won't be able to go in for Body
Beautiful this year.

I don't care. Oh, blimey, now don't
start crying. You know I can't stand

I'm sorry.

It's just that hospitals always upset
me. I hate visiting.

Yes, I sort of got that impression.

Look, I've told you, there's nothing to
worry about.

Nothing to worry about?

What about all those pretty nurses?

And you know how magnetic you can be.

I think I'd better get me some barley
sugars, calm me down.

Oh, blow, I must have left them in the
car.

It must be the excitement.

I won't be a mo.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing, Royston.

It's just that I didn't realise you were
so magnetic.

Oh, I suppose you find it funny.

No, not at all.

Well, all this excitement's made me
rather restless. I think I'll take a

the terrace. Oh, yes, it couldn't be
because Jenny's down there, could it?

why not?

It's all right for you.

You've got a visitor smothering you in
kisses.

I never thought I'd envy you. I didn't
realise Edie was so attractive. Do me a

favor, don't call her Edie.

Why, doesn't she like it? No, not
really. Her name's Peg.

But I thought you said your wife's name
was Edie. It is, only that's not me

wife.

Thank you, nurse.

Ah, there you are, Mr. Thorpe.

Are you aware that one of your nurses
has formed an attachment to my son?

An attachment?

Well, don't be alarmed, my dear. It's
probably a saline drip.

If I can explain. No, I don't mean that,
Doctor.

I am Mrs.

Binns. Oh, yes.

I'm referring to an emotional
attachment.

Really? Oh, I think you must have
mistaken.

We don't allow that sort of thing in
this hospital.

We remind them they're nurses first and
women second.

And if there's any nurse going around
acting like a woman, I want to know

it. What's this nurse's name?

I believe she's called Jenny. Jenny?
Jenny Peters?

I mean Nurse Peters?

I think you'll find the attractions all
enormous. She'd do nothing to encourage

him. Then why is she visiting him?

Visiting him? Oh, I didn't know anything
about that.

Tell me, Mr. Thorpe, is she that sort of
girl?

That sort of girl? Well, there's the odd
kiss at Christmas, the friendly wink,

the old come -on.

You see, my younger doctors tell me that
underneath that there's an icy reserve

capable of inflicting several degrees of
frostbite.

At least so, I believe.

You are aware that Norman has a very
delicate constitution?

Yes.

Won't be doing him any good to be
canoodling.

Canoodling? No, you don't love
canoodling in a surgical ward.

First sign of a canoodle I can die like
a ton of bricks, madam.

I'm very glad to hear that, Doctor.
Perhaps you'll have a word with Norman?

Well, I suppose I could tell him about
the dangers of putting too much stress

a weakened physique.

But I don't think you've any cause for a
laugh.

You see, what... What you must remember
is that Norman's in the company of Mr.

Figgis. Now, there's a mature family man
who wouldn't put up with that sort of

behavior for a moment.

I'm sure if he was aware of anything
like that going on, he'd gently take

to one side and warn him of the
consequences.

Hello, Figgis. Hello, Doctor.

Ah, where's Mrs. Biggs, Dr. Cooper?

She's in the office. Does she insist on
seeing Matron? I'm not surprised.

Did you see Figgis?

What sort of example is there to set to
Norman?

It was all over her.

I'm not surprised he's got four
children.

I blame you for this, Gupta. You're too
easygoing.

I do my best, Mr. Thorpe, but human
nature is very strong.

This is our hospital, Gupta. There's no
place for human nature.

What's happened to your visitor,
Fingers? Gone to find a vase for the

isn't she, Doctor?

I see. In that case, while we're alone,
I'd like to talk seriously to both of

you. I'm not happy with your behaviour.

What behaviour?

With the opposite sex, Norman.

You've both had very serious operations,
and any undue exertion or excitement

could be dangerous.

Do you get my drift, Norman?

I think so, Doctor. Good, then I'll say
no more. You're forgetting one thing,

Doctor. What's that, Figgis? The life
force.

Yes, well, I don't think we want to talk
about the life force at the moment,

Figgis. It's unquenchable, Doctor.

You can fill us full of drugs, you can
take away our vital parts.

But while there's still a burning ember,
the sight of a well -turned ankle can

fan it into flames.

I'm well aware of that, Figus. It's a
biological fact, the urge to reproduce,

perpetuate the species.

We all know about your urge to
reproduce, Figus. I believe you've got

children already.

Yes, well, that's an affirmation of my
faith in the future of mankind.

Well, I don't think a lot of little
Figuses is going to do much for mankind.

is quite enough.

Now, if you don't mind, I'll address my
remarks to Norman.

Norman, your mother is deeply worried
about you, and so am I.

Well, I don't see what harm it can do.
You don't?

Are you aware that the energy required
is equivalent to that of a four -mile

walk?

Is it? Oh, yes.

It's been measured.

How did they measure it?

Never mind how they measured it. Well,
it may be equivalent to a four -mile

walk, but it's more entertaining.

And you don't wear your shoes out.

That's enough. I don't want any smuts,
Piggis. That's all right for you,

You may have had one or two four -mile
walks lately. We haven't.

Be quiet, Piggis.

Now, I want you to pay attention to what
I've been saying, and I want to see a

change in your attitude.

Do you think he's right? Is it dangerous
in our state of health? Do me a favour.

You know how he feels about Jenny.

He's contemplating a four -mile walk in
that direction himself.

And what about Glover? Do you know where
he is? Chatting her up on the terrace.

She wanted to get down there.

Perhaps you're right, Fig.

Gupta, have you seen my mother? Yes,
she's in my office enjoying the

palpitations and the migraine.

Soon she will collapse. It is the
vapours.

Tell me, don't you feel it too? Feel
what? This strong attraction.

This feeling of affinity. We're kindred
spirits, Jenny.

Are we? Of course we are.

We're not like normal Norman in there,
bound by convention.

Don't you want to let your hair flow
free?

Run barefoot through the grass, take
chances?

I wish Norman did.

Oh, he'll never be like that. I mean,
you've only got to look at his mother.

She's just Norman with long hair.

You're wasting your time, Jenny.

Why don't you...

Come and visit me.

No one ever comes to visit me.

You don't know what it's like pretending
not to care that no one visits you.

I pretend to read. I pretend to be
asleep, but all the time I know what

thinking. Look at that poor man over
there. No one ever comes to visit him.

must be suffering from amnesia.

But I haven't forgotten.

It's the world.

I'm the man the world forgot, Jenny.

Archie, I never knew you felt like that.

Then you'll visit me?

What about Norman?

Never mind about him.

It'll do him good, make him jealous.

Perhaps you're right.

He certainly deserves it.

All right, Archie, you go back to bed
and I'll visit you.

Promise? Oh, I promise.

Oh, and would you please bring me some
grapes? No one's ever brought me grapes

before.

My God, they come hundreds of miles to
visit you and spend half the time

your flowers in water.

You're looking pleased with yourself.

It's Jenny. She's coming back to visit
me.

Oh, so that's it.

You think you're being fair, Archie?
All's fair in love and war. Anyway, what

about your little intrigues?

Look, I'm not proud of myself, Archie.

I was alone one night in Gateshead. You
don't know what that can mean.

It can turn strong men to jelly.

We were both lonely, and she wanted to
see the inside of me cab, and one thing

led to another.

We couldn't help ourselves. I meant to
tell her I was married, but it's not

easy. She's so trusting.

Well, just don't preach to me, Figgis.
Anyway, Norman's had his chance. Now

my turn.

I suppose you're right. I shouldn't
interfere.

Mind you, I'm surprised under the
circumstances. I mean, the man in your

of health.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know where she's been nursing,
don't you? Eh?

Well, if you don't know...

Far be it from me to say anything.

But I think they're trying to keep it
quiet.

What do you mean?

Where has she been nursing?

Isolation. Isolation? They've got a very
clear mistake in there. They say he's

turning green.

Brought him in from Heathrow. They're
passing his food to him with tongs.

infectious. Highly infectious?

Yes.

Keep it to yourself, but they say it
could be parrot fever.

Parrot fever?

Yes, and one of the symptoms is a
tendency to keep repeating what people

What people say?

Oh, I don't believe you, Figgis. You're
making it up. Am I? Look at Norman. You

said he'd got malaria.

Yes, that was my first diagnosis, but on
second thought, he could be affected.

So could you.

All this excessive preening, that's what
parrots do.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Figgis. You're
just trying to frighten me. Jen is

perfectly healthy. Yes, but she could be
a carrier, couldn't she? It's the

people around her who start looking
unhealthy.

Not that it bothers you, I suppose,
Archie. Not now you're in love. I didn't

I was in love, exactly.

Well, I'll leave you two to it.

You know she should be wearing a march.
Come surprise me, allow it.

Hello, Archie.

Look, I've even brought you some grapes.

No, don't touch them.

I'll have them later.

Don't come too close.

What's the matter?

It wouldn't be wise. I didn't realise.

Didn't realise?

That you've been on the isolation ward.
Isolation ward? My God, you have got it.

I'm sorry.

I don't take any risks. Not in my state
of health.

Not with parrot fever.

Keep away from her, everybody. She could
be a carrier.

Biggis?

What have you been saying to him? Oh,
me? Nothing.

He's just got this idea that you're
infectious.

Infectious?

Yes, well, I'm certainly beginning to
feel infectious the way everyone's

avoiding me.

At this rate, no -one will want to kiss
me.

I will, Jenny.

Are you sure you want to take the risk,
Norman?

Quite sure.

Oh, Norman.

Do you feel strong enough to go through
now, Mrs. Vince?

Yes, I think so.

I think you'll need a change in Norman.
You see, I'm not just a physician to

them in there. They respect me as a man.

I'm a sort of father figure.

I'm pleased to hear it, Doctor.

It's not that I object to Norman having
female companionship.

What am I to say to Deirdre, the poor
girl's halfway through her sweater?

Well, I think you'll find your fears are
gruntiness.

Good heavens, Norman!

What are you doing?

You can see what I'm doing, Mother. I'm
kissing Jenny. I think I'm going to

faint. Yes, well, you'd better find
somewhere soft to fall, because I'm not

going back to rolling balls of wool for
Deidre. I have changed.

Yes, I can see that.

Doctor, is this what you call respect?

Nurse, will you please leave us? No.

What?

I'm not on duty?

That makes no difference. Oh, yes, it
does. If I was on duty, you'd be chasing

me all round the hospital bed.

Remember last Christmas?

You were like a wild beast.

Excuse me, there's only a little bit
left now. So, that's it.

That explains everything.

Now I know where this decadent behaviour
comes from.

Doctor, I have only one thing to say to
you.

Physician, heal thyself!

Clint!

I blame you for this, figures.

That's done it. He'll be making another
dash for the bromide. The tea's going to

start tasting funny again.

Well, I'm not drinking it. I don't see
why I should be penalised.

And about time and all. We've only got
an hour, you know.

Call me Mrs Figgis.

What made him say that?

Well, I suppose he assumes I'm married.
He doesn't realise I'm a single man.

I see him doing that.

Gave me a warm glow.

Yes, it did me, actually.

Don't you... Don't you ever wish you
were married? Oh, I've told you before,

wouldn't work. Long -distance lorry
driving, all them nights on the road.

You managed to get here, then, Mrs
Figgis?

Pardon? You got our telegram?

What telegram? We felt sorry for old
Fig. So we sent a telegram. What are you

talking about?

We sent a telegram to your wife, Fig,
asking her to come and see you.

Wife?

What's he talking about, Royston?

I've no idea.

Oh, my goodness, my dear Fig, it's what
I surprised.

No visitors for weeks and now two.

If I may take easy wine, I may take easy
wine. I know I am, I'm sure I

am, I may take easy wine. Oh yes, I may
take easy wine.

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