All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s02e04 The Cosmic Influence

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

Well, are you in or out?

I'm thinking. Well, while you're
thinking, would you mind putting your

We're shorting the kitty again.

All right.

All right.

10p?

You must have a good hand.

I might have.

Careful, Norman. He might be moving in
for the kill.

Gaylord Glover, the scourge of the
riverboats. Be quiet. I know what I'm

Are you sure? It was you who wanted to
play snap. This is poker.

I know it's poker.

I've played cards before.

Well, you can't have played very much.
You call spades clubs and clubs

blackberries.

I get mixed up. You got mixed up all
right. I wouldn't play poker with him.

He'll have your gold fillings.

Would you keep out of this, Figgis? Now,
how many cards would you like, Norman?

Two. Right.

Two for you.

And I'll take one.

And raise it 20.

20?

Well, are you going to stay in and get
your feet wet, or are you going to

to old Mother Hubbard over there?

No, I'll stay in for 20.

Hey, Norman, you do realise that there's
over 50p lying on this table, don't

you? Of course he realises. Why do you
think his palms are sweating? I'm not

worried.

Well, I don't want to take advantage of
you, Norman, and I know we did set a

limit of 50p, but if you're not worried,
I'm quite prepared to introduce paper

money.

Pay for money?

Yes, I find it usually sorts out the men
from the boys. Of course, if you don't

want to stay in. No.

No, I'll stay in.

Now we're playing poker.

Now it's getting interesting.

You shouldn't have done that, Norman.
He'll be getting his eye shade out now.

You heard him, Piggish.

He said he wasn't worried. You're
enjoying it, aren't you, Norman?

Yes. Feel the adrenaline playing?

Yes.

Are we playing for keep?

Of course we're playing for keep!

If you want to back out, say so. No, no,
I don't want to back out.

Good.

Now, this presents me with a little
problem.

You could be sitting on a good hand, or
you could be bluffing.

Five pounds says you're bluffing.

Five pounds?

What should I do, Fink? It's a bit late
to ask me that now.

Let's see what your stars say.

Look, we're playing poker, not reading
horoscopes, and it won't take a minute.

What are you, Norman? No.

Don't tell me you're a Virgo. No. I'm
Ares the ram.

Oh, you know what he could have fooled
me. I mean, you're hardly... You're

hardly typical. They're supposed to be
commanding, choleric and violent, given

to sudden impulses.

Doesn't sound like you, Norman. Well, of
course it doesn't, because there's no

truth in it. That's what you think. He
could have hidden debts.

He's probably going to turn choleric and
violent any minute, especially if he

loses that driver.

After all, he shares his star sign with
Vincent van Gogh, the well -known ear

slasher. No, I don't think we've seen
the real Norman bins yet, Archie.

Now, let's see what it says.

And you say there's nothing in it?
Listen to this.

You'll probably attend a glittering
occasion on the 10th of the month. Isn't

that when you had your operation?

Well, yes. There you are, then. What do
you mean, there you are, then? That

wasn't a glittering occasion.

Well, what about all those scalpels? I
mean, they're not exactly rusty, are

they? Well, you could make anything fit
that sort of prediction. No, no, no,

wait a minute. There's more, there's
more.

You will experience a minor health
problem at the beginning of the month,

not be depressed.

Things will improve.

Later, you will have the chance to
benefit by someone else's mistakes.

If you do not lose your nerve, there
will be considerable financial reward.

about that, then? Take my advice,
Norman, and plunge. The stars never lie.

The stars never lie. I didn't realize
you were so superstitious, Figgis.

What do mine say?

What are you?

I'm a Scorpio. I might have known.

What do you mean?

That's a dark sign to be born under. You
share that with Goebbels and Herman

Goering.

Well, that doesn't worry me, Piggies,
because I don't believe in it. It

do to ignore the cosmic forces, Archie.
You do that at your peril.

Now, listen.

This is yours.

The 20th will bring considerable
excitement.

Oh, that's today.

An attractive stranger will involve you
in a money -making scheme which goes

wrong. That's him.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Well, I might
as well not get a bad one. Oh, it gets

better towards the end of the month.

A complete change of clothes style will
make a stunning impact at this time if

you have the courage to be different.

You will experience some of your most
ecstatic moments sexually and

But you must fight your inhibitions.
Take good care of your skin and beware

drastic beauty treatment.

This is a woman's magazine.

Yeah, well, it's all right. Fine, it's
roughly the same. It means you're going

to be unlucky at cards and lucky in
love.

Poker isn't a matter of luck, Figgis.

It's a matter of skill and judgment.

And there's my money to prove it. And
there's mine. Right, what have you got?

Well, prepare yourself for a shock,
Norman.

Nine, ten, jack, queen, king of hearts,
a running flush.

A running flush?

Yes, you don't see them very often. It's
something you'll be able to tell your

children about.

I never expected that. I knew you
couldn't match it. Let me give you a

Norman.

When you're bluffing, you have this
habit of laying your cards on the table

tapping them with your fingers. It's a
little thing, but it does give you a way

to a regular poker player. I shouldn't
take your money, really, but you have to

pay for experience. Oh, that's all
right, Archie. You're running flush, and

I had was four aces. What?

What?

You what?

great. I told you, Archie, it's all in
the stars.

Oh, shut up, Figgis. That's just
superstitious. You can call it

you like, but I like to know what the
future holds for me, especially around

here. After all, you know what we are in
here, don't you?

We're the kamikaze of the National
Health Service.

We should go down to that theatre with
flags round our heads shouting Banzai.

Come on, Fig, it's not as bad as that.

No, it's worse. All they had to do was
dive bomb aircraft carriers and they got

geisha girls and sarky. We have to do
all this on boiled fish and a visit from

the WVS.

You been today, Norman?

Been where?

You know where.

No need to worry about him, Gupta. He's
an Aries.

Proud of pneumonia and looseness of the
bowels.

Talking about the stars, Gupta. I always
knew there was a bit of the gypsy in

you. Gupta won't scoff. He's from the
east. He believes in it.

Now, come here, Gupta. Let's have a look
at you. At a rough guess, I would say

you were Aquarius the water carrier.

I'm not a water carrier. I'm a qualified
nurse, not Gangadin.

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't understand. I'm talking about
your birth sign. When was your birthday?

October 1st. Oh, you're a Libra. Really?
Because I have no time for all this

nonsense. Salt of the earth, Libras. I'm
not...

Salt of the earth? Yes.

Sign of the scales, well -balanced and
intelligent.

Mahatma Gandhi was a Libran.

Mahatma Gandhi?

He has the same birth sign as me? Yes,
and Brigitte Bardot.

They can be very attractive and
charming, Librans.

Calm, resourceful, take life as it
comes.

Well, I suppose there could be some
truth in that.

Ah, of course, today our sister's
looking for you. Better get moving or

be a gut for garters.

Not to worry, Mr. Thorpe. No good
getting into a flat.

Attractive and charming, eh?

Well, well, well.

What's the matter with Gupta? Oh, we
were talking about the stars, Doctor.

He's a Libra.

Stars, Libra, stop the nonsense.

You have the primitive beliefs of a
South Sea Islander, Figgis. I've never

anyone so preoccupied with science and
portents.

It doesn't do to disregard them, Doctor.

Yes, well, do you mind if I examine you,
or would you prefer to have your palm

read? I'm surprised you adopt this
attitude, Doctor. I mean, after all,

astrology was once the cornerstone of
medical science.

Nonsense. The portent is not in our
stars, dear Figgis, but in ourselves

are underling.

Act one, Julius Caesar.

Oh, yes. And what about Beware the Ides
of March?

Act two, Julius Caesar.

But he wouldn't listen, would he?

He ended up with a dozen knives in him.

Yes. Well, you're not Julius Caesar, I
guess.

No, I may not be Julius Caesar, but I
know how he felt.

I'm not right down here. I'm not joined
up properly.

Nonsense. You're making an excellent
recovery.

It's not all these superstitions that
have kept you alive.

It's an experienced surgeon exercising
his skill and ability. I've performed

this particular operation hundreds of
times, and I've never made a mistake

Touch wood.

He doesn't give you much bleeding
confidence, does he?

It's getting late.

Put the lights on, Gupta.

All right, I'll see you for 25 pounds.

Well, what are you hesitating for?
You're getting cold feet.

No. Then what is it, then?

You haven't got 25 pounds.

I'll write and I owe you.

I don't know about that, Archie. Are you
doubting my honesty?

No, no, it's just I don't want you to
get yourself into debt.

Don't worry about that.

I know what I'm doing.

You're bluffing, aren't you?

That's for me to know and you to find
out.

All right, mother's boy.

There's 25 pounds that says you're
bluffing. That's not 25 pounds. A piece

paper with your writing on it. Never
mind about that. Let's see what you've

Two pairs?

I knew you were bluffing. Experience was
bound to pay off in the end. Now then,

feast your eyes on that.

A flush, all heart.

This one's a diamond.

What?

Oh, my God!

I told you, Archie, you're wasting your
time.

Oh, rubbish. This star is in the
ascendant. Rubbish. You still don't

do you?

Oh, I wish I'd known my horoscope.

They'd never have got me in here.

Listen to this, Sagittarius.

You will receive several shockwaves this
month.

That's putting it mildly.

Strangers will play a large part in your
life. Well, they don't come any

stranger than you two. Oh, that could
mean anything, Prickett. All right, what

about this?

You will meet someone who wants to see
more of you.

That Thorpe, he's certainly seen more of
me inside and out.

Let caution be your watchword.

He may leave you with a sense of loss
and feeling depressed.

And you say there's nothing in it.

What else does it say?

Only to avoid Gemini, but I don't need
to be told that.

That's always in direct opposition to
Sagittarius.

Look, stop worrying about your star
figures and come and have a game of

Yes, you know what you're doing, don't
you? My stars are worse than yours.

Well, it'll take your mind off it.

Here, come on, Fig.

Oh, all right.

But just a short game, mind, because I'm
not feeling too well.

Now, you best cut the deal.

Oh, my God!

That's done it.

The nine of spades.

The death card.

I knew I should never have gone out of
bed.

What's the matter with you, Figgins? I
think he's taken a turn for the world.

All right, let's have a look at you.

It's all right, Figgins. I've consulted
the runes. There's nothing to worry

about. How do I know that?

I've been examined by a complete
stranger. I don't even know your birth

If it's of any interest, I'm a Gemini.

Gemini? But we're in direct opposition.

I don't need the stars to tell me that,
Figgis.

Gemini, the dreaded twins, the split
personality.

I'm sorry, Doctor, I'm going to have to
insist on a second opinion.

Well, since there appears to be two of
me, I can give you that as well. Of

course you can.

The pure Gemini is always changing his
outlook.

It's the patron sign of egocentrics and
the mentally unstable.

Excuse me, doctor, I'm going to ring my
GP.

Are you staying in then, Archie? Shut
up.

I'm thinking.

Only if you're staying in, you're short
in the kitty. I know, I know.

How much is it now?

£500. Right, I'm in.

But you haven't got £500.

Neither have you.

Yes, I have. Here you are, £500 in IOUs.
Well, what makes you think I'm going to

accept those?

You should do. They're yours.

Are they?

Well, I didn't realise it was so much.

Are you sure you want to go on? Of
course I want to go on. Would you get me

glass of water, Archie?

Will you be quiet, Roy?

I'm concentrating.

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll throw that in. That's worth £500 of
anyone's money. Is it gold? Of course

it's gold.

Can't be the hallmark. Of course you
can't. It's worn off. It's been in the

family for years.

It was a present from Cardinal Woolsey.

Would you get me a drink of water,
Norman? Just a moment, Pig. We've got a

pot here.

All right, Archie, I'll take it. As long
as you throw in the cufflinks, the gold

ones.

I see.

Putting the squeeze on, are we?

All right, the cufflinks as well.

Now, what have you got?

Full house, kings over tens.

I think you've won, Norman.

Could I have a glass of water now?

What was that, Roy? Oh, my God, you
might show a bit of concern.

Here I am fighting for my life and all I
can see in your eyes is pure animal

bloody greed.

But you don't understand why I've never
had this sort of money before I'll be

able to buy myself a little car, perhaps
go abroad.

I've never had such a bad run. I told
you, Archie, the stars are against you.

You're lucky it's only cards and not
your elf. I'll never believe that. If I

on playing long enough, I'm bound to
win. If you play any longer, you'll be

to your underpants.

Hi, it's Jay Gupta.

The temperature's down.

Excellent. Say hi to the stars.

How are your hearing figures?

Oh, not too good, Doctor. I think I'm
entering the crisis stage.

Nonsense. You're not entering the crisis
stage. You're doing fine. It's just a

mental attitude that's wrong.

What's this?

It's my solar disc.

Solar disc? It brings health, wealth and
happiness.

It gives special protection to the heart
and lungs. I thought I'd slip it on

under the circumstances.

You don't need a solar disc. All you
need is a few antibiotics.

What is this?

It's my jovial thigh band.

Job or Jupiter governs the arteries and
thighs.

It's the ruling planet of Sagittarius,
the huntsman, that's me.

And of course huntsmen need strong leg
muscles.

You're not a huntsman, figures, you're a
lorry driver.

What's that noise? I thought I could
hear bells.

It's my uranium ankle protector.

It's for courage, I think I'll need it.

Good God, man, you're dressed up like a
Christmas tree.

Get... That thing off him at once,
Gupta.

Do you think that's wise?

What? They seem to be doing him good.

Don't you start. He's right, Doctor.

I've read your horoscope. I need all the
help I can get.

What are you talking about? Well, listen
to this. Listen, Doctor.

You will be particularly ineffective
this month, and your professional career

will receive a setback.

A visit to the theatre will end in
disappointment.

Who for?

That's what I want to know.

Let me see that.

I see my love life is going to take an
upward swing later in the month.

That should be fun.

And I'm advised to use bold colors, deep
reds and purples. I must look them out.

Take my advice figures and stop greedy
and rubbish.

Get him down to room four this
afternoon. I want to have a good look at

And keep him away from my horoscope.

Of course, Mr. Tarp. Which one are you?

I'm Gemini.

Oh, only Gemini.

I'm Libra.

Well, there's no need to be so smug
about it, Gupta.

How much is it now?

A thousand, Archie.

My God.

I don't think I shall go to the Costa
Brava. I think I'll go to the Riviera

instead.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. All
you've got there is a few bits of paper,

a pair of cufflinks and Cardinal
Woolsey's ring.

That won't take you very far.

Don't you worry, Roy. I'm good for the
money. Oh, don't be a fool, Archie.

No, just keep out of this thing.

Come on, Norman, deal the cards. My God,
here am I lying in a bed of pain and

all you two can think about is cards.

It's indecent gambling when a bloke's
sick. There's nothing wrong with you

figures. I don't know so much about
that. They want me down in room four

afternoon. Forbes is going to give me a
thorough examination.

But why does it have to be him?

I asked for a Capricorn, but they
wouldn't listen. Come on, my dear

It's time for your examination.

All right, take your time, take your
time. Just pass me that dressing gown,

you? And that magazine. I shall need
something to read.

Oh, and that packet of ginger nuts. If
we're down there a long time, I shall

want something to eat.

And that bottle of barley water, I shall
get thirsty.

Oh, my God!

What a mean and clumsy thing to do.

It wasn't my fault.

Well, it wasn't mine. I didn't drop it.

It wasn't my fault, I tell you. Do this,
do that, come here, go there.

Who do you think you are? Give me
orders.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Pardon me for living.

Don't worry.

I know better than to give orders round
here.

After all, I'm just a patient.

Well,

don't just stand there getting cleaned
up before someone slips and breaks his

beaded neck.

I must admit, it wasn't a typical
reaction.

Either Mars has moved into his solar
house or his curry was too hot at

lunchtime.

And how are you, figure?

Not so good, Doctor. I think I'm
weakening.

There's nothing wrong with your
appetite. I understand you consumed a

ginger nuts out there.

I've got to keep my strength up for the
coming ordeal.

Well, I'll do my best for you, figures,
but I'm afraid I'm just a mere Gemini.

I thought you didn't believe in it.

There are more things under heaven and
earth, Horatio.

Quite. And if we have these elemental
powers at our disposal, I think we

use them. I've been cynical for far too
long, figures.

Your simple faith has opened my eyes.

Now, let's see where the trouble is,
shall we?

What's that?

What? What?

Oh, this.

This is a lunar pendulum.

But what does it do?

It seeks out disease.

Now, don't worry, we'll soon find the
base of the trouble. Couldn't I have an

-ray? X -rays don't tell us everything,
Figgis. You've had enough X -rays.

Time to give the neural pendulum a
chance.

Well, how does it work?

Well, when it encounters disease, it
becomes agitated, just like you, Figgis.

It's rather like water divining.

Oh, see that, Figgis?

That's where the trouble lies, deep in
the bowels.

My goodness, it looks bad. I think we'll
have to go in. Go in? You mean you're

thinking of operating again? I thought
you were going to give me a few

antibiotics. Don't worry, Figures. I've
consulted my horoscope.

Mercury has gone into my solar house and
is in conjunction with Mars.

The time has come for a bold stroke.

Don't you agree?

No, I don't. I thought you believed in
the star.

I do, but I'm not having a second
opinion from a bleeding pendulum.

Anyway, I feel much better. It was
probably just wind. It's all right. I'll

back. Get the blood circulating.

I'm still winning.

Of course you are.

It's in the stars.

Well, they're not exactly infallible,
are they, figures? I see you've

the use of your legs. You know what got
these moving, mate? Nervous energy.

I've just been with Thorpe.

He's a Gemini, all right. Talk about a
spit personality.

He struts around this hospital
professing to be a man of science, and

there acting like Merlin the magician.

I couldn't get out there fast enough.
Never mind about that now. Come on,

Norman, deal the cards. Oh, don't you
think you've lost enough, Archie? I'm

stopping now.

I must win soon. It's the law of
averages.

But you've been saying that all week.
The bankruptcy courts are full of people

who believe in the law of averages.

Norman, will you deal the cards? But
you've got nothing left to play for,

Archie. You owe me £2 ,000.

As much as that.

Right.

Double or quits.

One cut of the cards, ace high.

Don't be a fool, Archie. But that means
you're going to owe me £4 ,000.

I know that.

Did you see this?

This is the lease on my flat.

That's worth 4 ,000 of anyone's money.

Archie!

A flat!

A place of my own and a car and a
holiday abroad?

You haven't won yet.

It's in the stars. I can't lose, can I,
Roy? No, you can't lose. You just don't

look so pleased about it.

spade.

Well, that's it.

I'm all washed up. I did warn you,
Archie. I'm sorry, Archie.

The two?

Huh? What?

I've lost?

I've won!

I've won! I told you so! It's the lord
of cabbages! Well, so much to the stars!

I've lost two thousand pounds!

My holiday, my car, my cufflinks, and
Cardinal Woolsey's ring, and it's all

fault, Figgis!

You and...

Well, I must have got it wrong.

Well, that's finished me. It's not the
stars I have trouble with. Its people

so unpredictable.

Do me a favour, Archie. If I mention
astrology again, hit me with a bedpan.

I've said my last word on the subject.
Never again.

Mind you, did you ever see him?

Choleric, violent. That was a typical
Aryan reaction.

Bigot!

You're doing it again.

And don't you ever learn it was a law
of... Averages. That's why I won. Well,

since you've won, perhaps I can have my
solar disk back. What? I slipped it in

there when you weren't looking. I
thought you needed a bit of luck.

Work, too, didn't it?

Thank you.

I know I am. I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P
-P -Y.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am. I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P
-P -Y. Oh, yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.