All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s02e03 It Can Damage Your Health

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

I want you to tell me something and I
want you to be absolutely honest.

How old do you think I look?

Absolutely honest? That's right. Forty
-five.

Yes, well, there's no need to be that
honest.

I normally pass for early thirties.
Yeah, in a darkened room with your back

the window.

But not in the harsh light of day,
Archie. Let's face it, you've aged.

I know.

These last weeks have certainly etched
in a few more lines, Roy. I mean, look

the... Suffering in that face, it's a
tragedy.

Oh, never mind, Archie, you may have
aged, but you still kept your looks.

Do you think so?

Yeah, a little worn round the edges, but
you still retain that sort of male

beauty that can set the pulses racing.

A little greyer, a little less air,
perhaps.

A little less hair, my God, is it
beginning to show?

Well, there were three more strands in
the comb this morning.

Oh, it's so fine, such a silky texture.

Do you have anything I can use to keep
it in, I guess?

I've got a cigarette box.

I'm talking about a remedy. After all,
you're supposed to be the medical expert

round here. Well, there is one method
that's quite effective. Stand on your

for half an hour each day. It gets the
blood from the follicles. It feeds the

roots of the hair.

Mind you, it gives you terrible
headaches.

If I can hardly stand on my feet and you
expect me to stand on my head?

Phil, I have to do something.

Women won't look at a man with a
receding hairline.

They say bee stings can be very
effective.

Bee stings? Yes, it's a technique.

Well, how do they get the bees to sting
you? Tap the eye and shove your head in

it? Are they trained to dive on you one
by one?

Of course not.

They probably put one in a bottle, shake
it up until you get angry and stick it

on your head.

Sounds a bit drastic to me.

Actually, there's only one sure way to
ensure a complete head of hair,

speaking. What's that?

Castration.

Still, I suppose that defeats the object
of the exercise in your case.

It's not funny, Figgy. What's all this
about, Archie? Has some bird turned you

down again? Is that what it's all about?
No, of course not. It's just that...

I want to put in for this job, and the
age limit is 35.

Do you think I'll get away with it? I
don't see why not, as long as it doesn't

involve humping things about.

Humping things about?

I'm a senior executive. I don't hump
things about, Figgis. No, this is a high

-powered executive position.

Not that I'm going to be very impressed
with a letter written from a hospital

bed. You never know, they might be
impressed by your courage, your natural

resilience, your Dunkirk spirit.

It's a pity you look as sick as a dog.

I know.

I wish I felt better.

I haven't felt really well for years.

Age is a terrible thing, you know.

I have a job getting my breath easy.

You're not the only one, Archie. The
trouble is we're burned out.

I only have to run upstairs and I'm
breathless. That's another thing that

defeats the object of the exercise.

You know what's happened, don't you?

The lungs have gone, and do you know
why?

Pollution. Too much lead in the
atmosphere. It's all this petrol

Every time I drive that lorry down the
road, I can see the trees wilt.

It's damage in the atmosphere.

That and underarm sprays.

We should do something about it. We
should join friends of the earth,

before we end up in it. Yes, well,
before the world finally disintegrates,

you mind if I get a decent job?

Well, no, no, you put in for it.

Norman, would you like a cigarette?

Oh!

Now then, I want you to tell me
something, and I want you to be

honest.

How old am I?

Why, can't you remember?

I mean, how old do I look?

Oh, I'm not very good at getting ages,
Archie. Oh, come on, have a go. I won't

be offended.

Um, 48?

No, you're not very good, are you? In
fact, you're bloody awful.

What's the matter with you?

Well, you may not believe this, boy, but
before I came in here, I'd never smoked

a cigarette.

Mother never approved.

Yeah, well, I sort of guessed that. You
see, the thing is, you don't burn

evenly. You'll never do any good unless
you burn evenly, and you don't take it

down. You can't enjoy a good cigarette
unless you take it down. I think I shall

get a gold cigarette case, paper thin
and a lighter to match. I think that

very sophisticated.

There's more to smoking than a gold
cigarette case.

The way you smoke a cigarette can be
very revealing.

In what way? Well, they're smoking it
behind the back of the head. That's

reminiscent of the prison yard.

They're holding it in the fingers,
pufter style.

Or they're flicking it about in a
nervous and agitated manner. Or simply

it droop from the lower lip. You
normally get that in food shops.

Now, the way a cigarette is smoked can
tell us a great deal about the person

behind it.

Oh, uh, Mr. Paul.

Just a minute, Gupta. Did I hear a
voice?

Do I detect a plan of life behind this
smoke -laden haze? Could I have a word,

Doctor? Good heavens, it's Glover.

Is all that smoke emanating from you, or
is the bed on fire?

A little serious.

I'm going to ask you something, and I
want you to be absolutely honest.

How old do you think I look?

It's very difficult to say, Glover. I
can barely see you.

But don't worry, you won't be looking
much older, not with all this smoking.

You do anything about this smoking?

Yes, Mr. Topp. Good.

I'm sending out for more ashtrays.

More ashtrays? Good, but this is a
hospital, not a first -class smoker.

trying to make them well, not finish
them off.

Must have lungs like parchment.

Shall I open a window?

Yes, but do it slowly. We're in a
smokeless zone.

Good Lord, even Norman.

Norman, what on earth do you think
you're doing?

Smoking a cigarette.

Norman, please don't start this
disgusting habit. You may think as

got a certain glamour, but I can assure
you, this is a noxious weed that can

lead to lung cancer, breathing problems,
thrombosis, and an early death.

I've only had three.

Yes, but... See you soon.

Cigarettes can seriously damage your
health. They can.

It doesn't say they will.

What do you want, a garntie?

Well, some people seem to stay healthy
enough.

Look, Norman, don't be taken in by these
adverts. You may have seen that

photograph of the lean, bronzed cowboy
smoking a cigarette gazing into the wide

blue yonder, but I can assure you, if he
carried on like that, there'd soon be

an empty saddle nail corral.

That's not going to happen to me,
Doctor. I don't take it down. I just

blow it around.

You don't have to take it down. Down,
Norman, you're inhaling 40 a day,

next to figures.

Just a minute, Doctor. It's still a free
country, and after all, it does depend

on your own personal metabolism.

I've smoked 40 cigarettes a day for
years, and it's never done me any harm.

fact, up until last year, I always won
the works cross -country race.

Yes, but what happened last year?
Figures beginning to slow down, eh?

Well, Al Parsons won it, didn't he?

Well, dare I go out in the living and
suggest that Alf Parsons doesn't smoke

cigarettes a day? That's true. He smokes
50 and supplements it with a pipe.

And I didn't say there weren't
exceptions.

Alf Parsons is certainly an exception.
He's the life and soul of the loading

bay. Always laughing, he smiles, reads
in smoke, ash all down his front. He's a

real live wire.

That's all very well, Tickers, but you
won't be laughing. None of you will. Not

with all the wheezing and coughing
that's coming from this ward.

49, Glover.

I don't think he meant that, Bill. I
just tried to frighten you. Is it really

that dangerous? Everything at this
risk's normal. I see our managing

been struck by a fly in champagne cork.

Could lose his eye over it. What are you
reading? Big works journal, isn't it?

I'm looking to see if I get a mention.

Oh, yes, here am I. Best wishes to Roy
Figgis, popular driver of the export

sales fiction.

Get well soon, Roy. We miss your smiling
face.

Pack it at 200 on the way. Oh, that's
nice, isn't it?

It's nice if you've got a job. I told
you to put in for it.

I know, there's a bit about Alf Parsons
here. I wonder what he's been up to.

He's a lad, is Alf.

Suddenly at home, aged 14.

No flowers by request.

All donations to the Amateur Athletic
Association.

What are you doing, Fig? Nothing.

Come on, what are you doing?

That's not that funny.

You've got the wind up, Fig. They've
frightened you. Of course I'm

You didn't know Alf Parsons. I thought
he was indestructible.

Apparently, he was helping his brother
move a piano. He stopped on the stairs

catch his breath, said to his brother,
flash the ash and drop down dead.

Those were his last words. Flash the
ash. He never learned.

Well, I'm going to cut it down from now
on. That's why I've got the pipe. You

should see what I'm finding in the
filter. That used to go into my lungs,

You give it up, Norman, before it's too
late.

But I don't want to give it up, Fig.
It's the first dangerous thing I've done

my life.

I was never allowed to smoke at home.
I've never been one of the lads.

I've never said, flash the ash, or suck
a match with my fingernail, or shared a

cigarette with a girl. Shared a
cigarette with a girl? You think it's a

sex symbol? You think you're Humphrey
Bleed and Bogart? No, I don't.

I've had a reply about that job. They're
coming to interview me on Thursday.

And you're right, Figgis, they weren't
impressed that I wrote from hospital.

They said that they admired my honesty.

The only trouble is I told them I was
35.

Well, they won't admire your honesty for
long.

You wouldn't pass for 35 with a bag over
your head.

Doctor?

Gupta, I want to ask you something, and
I want you to be absolutely honest with

me. No, no, please do not ask me, my
dear Glover. I do not wish to be

It was a prize, Gupta, like guessing the
weight of the cake. Now, please. Come

on, don't be afraid.

How old do you think I look? Now, you
won't tell me.

Well, in that case, I think you are very
youthful, well -preserved, 50.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm much younger than that. Mr. Thorpe
is right. You should take more exercise.

You're not fit.

You smoke too much. Of course I smoke
too much. That's because I live on my

nerves, Doctor. I can't relax.

Ah, ah. Then I can help you there.

I was like that once. Nervous, intense,
excitable. Then I took up yoga. Yoga?

Yes. Yoga teaches you to relax the mind
by relaxing the body.

Come, let me show you. Let me see you
dark the lotus position.

Sit there. Arms by your side. Now cross
your legs.

Cross. Yes. Up.

Careful, Doctor. I'm a thick man.

That is the lotus position.

What is the matter? I think you've
crushed his petals.

Give it right up to your operation.

Let's try the womb position.

You'll find that much easier.

That is the womb position.

How long do I have to stay like this?
Nine months.

What's the matter with Glover? Has he
made a spasm?

No, he's in the womb position.

Womb position?

He's a bit big for that.

It is yoga.

It will encourage him to take his mind
off the smoking. Oh, good idea, Gupta.

Now, but are you receiving, ma 'am?

I've just been looking at your records.
If you carry on smoking at the rate you

are doing, you'll soon be in the dead
position.

That goes for you too, people.

What's that in your mouth?

It's a pipe, doctor.

I can see that. Where's your willpower,
figures? You're simply giving up one

filthy habit for another.

No, you're wrong there, Doctor. This is
much more hygienic. You see, all the

nicotine is collected in the filter in
the stem. It's much cleaner.

Much

cleaner

for who, figures?

Oh, what's the matter with you?

Oh, it's no good, Roy. I've got to have
a cigarette.

Willpower, Archie.

Well, I can't relax. I think I've got
withdrawal symptoms.

Norman, give me a cigarette. You told me
not to give you one until the morning.

Give me a cigarette, Norman.

No, you said I wasn't to give you one,
even if you asked.

Norman, I want a cigarette.

You said no matter how much you begged
or pleaded, I wasn't to give you one.

not begging or pleading. I'm
threatening. You said even if you

wasn't to give you one.

Give me a cigarette.

There's no need to get nasty about it.

Oh, Biggis. I had to do it, Archie.

Yes.

Yes, you're right, Roy. It's got to be
the cold turkey treatment.

That wasn't a bad moment. Try to be a
bit firmer next time.

I'm not staying here. It's getting too
dangerous.

I think I should go and watch some
television. Now, have I got everything?

Lighter, cigarette cake, reserve pack.
Yes, that's it.

I'll see you later.

There he goes, complete with his junior
smoking kit.

Some people never learn. Well, it's
clean living for me from now on.

Man, it's not going to be easy. I've
always smoked.

I've always enjoyed the gentle fragrance
of golden Virginia.

Oh, shut up, Figgis. I'm irritable
enough as it is, and I've got this

tomorrow. Oh, never mind, Archie. Try
some of this. What's that?

Snuff.

This box could be the answer to all our
problems. A drop of this up the hooter

to excite the nasal membranes and you
can forget all about smoking. That is,

you can take it.

If I can take it?

Of course I can take it. The ability to
take enough is the mark of a gentleman.

In that case, would you care to partake
of a pinch, old fruit?

After you.

Certainly.

It's mine to be ashamed of.

I'll have to see if I can get some more.

Carmen, what are we watching tonight?

Oh, it's... Bloody hell!

Can't you be more careful?

You burned my backside, you damn fool!

God, I'm sorry! Sorry?

You're bloody dangerous! You shouldn't
be allowed!

Stupid idiot!

I think there's a fire.

What have you done?

I'm sorry.

I feel fine, Piggott. I just wish you'd
stop asking me, that's all. I wouldn't

have asked, only I thought you seemed a
little short -tempered this morning.

Short -tempered? I'm not short
-tempered. The Doctor thinks you're

-tempered. Why should he think that? I
think it's the way you threw your

breakfast at him. That was an accident.

You've had a lot of accidents just
lately, Archie. That's because you're

and irritable. Tense and irritable? I'm
not tense and irritable.

Oh, never mind, Archie. It's going to be
easier from now on. Norman's given it

up. He tried smoking two cigarettes at
once last night and threw up in the

toilets. It's got nothing to do with
smoking. It's just that I've got this

interview.

No wonder I'm tense.

Mr Hargreaves is waiting in the day room
to see you. I believe it's about the

job.

Well, this is it.

Not that I'm worried. I mean, it's only
an interview. He can't eat me.

Now, Mr. Glover, how do you do? Good
morning.

Please sit down. Thank you.

Now, first of all, I'd like to say that
the board were very impressed by your

application, particularly if it came
from a sickbed. It shows the kind of

fighting spirit the company needs.

Thank you. Now, I see you give your age
as 35.

Yes.

Yes, you must have suffered a great
deal.

The question is, will you be fit enough
for the post we have in mind?

Fit enough? Of course I'll be fit
enough. I'm getting better every day.

need is a few weeks rest and
recuperation. I wouldn't have put in for

I didn't think I was fit enough.

Good.

No trouble with your old nerves or
anything like that?

Nerves? Good heavens, no.

Only you would be working under a great
deal of pressure with long hours and

considerable travelling.

Oh, don't worry about that. I thrive on
pressure.

Splendid, splendid.

Now, oh, do you mind if I smoke?

Smoke.

No, go ahead.

Would you care for a cigarette?

No, thank you.

No, you're quite right. It's a filthy
habit.

Now... Now, the man we want must be good
with people.

Are you good with people, Mr Glover?

I beg your pardon?

Are you good with people?

Of course I'm good with people. Ask
anyone.

Your main responsibility will be dealing
with employees and union officials.

Now, do you think you could cope with
that? Union officials? Don't worry, I

how to deal with them. Belly -aching
bunch of reds.

I beg your pardon?

Ruining a country.

Absenteeism. Broken agreement.
Unofficial strikes.

Not that they can deal. I mean, have you
ever met a shop steward who wasn't as

thick as two short planks?

Yes, but we were hoping for some tact
and diplomacy. Tact and diplomacy? They

don't understand tact and diplomacy.

All they understand is force.

The iron hand in the iron glove.

I don't think you quite understand.

Oh, I understand, all right, and I blame
management.

You're all so wet and spineless, you let
them walk all over you. Now, steady on,

old chap. Who are you calling old chap?

I'm not old. I'm not as old as you. I
bet you've got ten years on me, and I'm

fitter, and you know why? Because I
don't sit around smoking and asking damn

silly questions.

Yes, you're right, it is a filthy habit,
and you should give it up, but you

can't. You know why? Because you haven't
got the willpower. There's a trouble

with British industry today.

Gutless!

Oh, I don't think so, Doctor.

Must be me.

The threat of fire haunts me day and
night. It's almost smoking.

Do you know the cause of most fires?

Carelessly discarded cigarette ends.

I mean, look at Norman.

He's already set fire to Gupta in a
woman's handbag.

He's only been smoking for two days.

Of course, you're very high up here.

If there was a fire, you could find
yourself knotting sheets.

Yes, Doctor.

Even then, I don't think they've reached
the ground.

You ever tried hitting a safety net,
Biggus? Not likely, Doctor.

Yeah, it's not easy.

They could be picking off their terrace
like strawberry jam.

Of course, the important thing in the
event of a fire is not to panic.

Simply report in an orderly manner to
your nearest assembly point.

Oh, where's that, Doctor? It's up.

Well, how the hell should I know?

You'll have to ask someone. The trouble
is, people leave these things a little

too late. Have you been smoking tickets?

Oh, haven't you heard, Doctor? I've
given it up. Good, that's a spirit I'm

to hear. Just cut it out completely.
It's the only way. Now you mention it,

Doctor, I think I can smell smoke.

It must be coming up the ventilation
shaft. It's probably from the canteen.

heavens, don't tell me they've set fire
to the chip pan again.

I've got another boiled sweet, Norman.
Can't you sleep?

No.

I just don't seem to have the willpower
for this sort of thing.

I don't know how Figgis does it. Look at
him. He's sleeping like a baby.

That's what you think.

through agonies while he's been inhaling
the delicious fragrance of golden

Virginia on the slide.

Where is he?

I think he's in the loo. What is going
on? Where is Figgis? You mean the Iron

Man of the Surgical Ward, Gupta?

He's having a crafty drag in the box.

He should not be doing that.

He should be in bed.

Come on. Let's go and find him. Come on.

had the chance to split.