Original subtitles

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P -P -Y.

I want you to tell me something and I want you to be absolutely honest.

How old do you think I look?

Absolutely honest? That's right. Forty -five.

Yes, well, there's no need to be that honest.

I normally pass for early thirties. Yeah, in a darkened room with your back

the window.

But not in the harsh light of day, Archie. Let's face it, you've aged.

I know.

These last weeks have certainly etched in a few more lines, Roy. I mean, look

the... Suffering in that face, it's a tragedy.

Oh, never mind, Archie, you may have aged, but you still kept your looks.

Do you think so?

Yeah, a little worn round the edges, but you still retain that sort of male

beauty that can set the pulses racing.

A little greyer, a little less air, perhaps.

A little less hair, my God, is it beginning to show?

Well, there were three more strands in the comb this morning.

Oh, it's so fine, such a silky texture.

Do you have anything I can use to keep it in, I guess?

I've got a cigarette box.

I'm talking about a remedy. After all, you're supposed to be the medical expert

round here. Well, there is one method that's quite effective. Stand on your

for half an hour each day. It gets the blood from the follicles. It feeds the

roots of the hair.

Mind you, it gives you terrible headaches.

If I can hardly stand on my feet and you expect me to stand on my head?

Phil, I have to do something.

Women won't look at a man with a receding hairline.

They say bee stings can be very effective.

Bee stings? Yes, it's a technique.

Well, how do they get the bees to sting you? Tap the eye and shove your head in

it? Are they trained to dive on you one by one?

Of course not.

They probably put one in a bottle, shake it up until you get angry and stick it

on your head.

Sounds a bit drastic to me.

Actually, there's only one sure way to ensure a complete head of hair,

speaking. What's that?

Castration.

Still, I suppose that defeats the object of the exercise in your case.

It's not funny, Figgy. What's all this about, Archie? Has some bird turned you

down again? Is that what it's all about? No, of course not. It's just that...

I want to put in for this job, and the age limit is 35.

Do you think I'll get away with it? I don't see why not, as long as it doesn't

involve humping things about.

Humping things about?

I'm a senior executive. I don't hump things about, Figgis. No, this is a high

-powered executive position.

Not that I'm going to be very impressed with a letter written from a hospital

bed. You never know, they might be impressed by your courage, your natural

resilience, your Dunkirk spirit.

It's a pity you look as sick as a dog.

I know.

I wish I felt better.

I haven't felt really well for years.

Age is a terrible thing, you know.

I have a job getting my breath easy.

You're not the only one, Archie. The trouble is we're burned out.

I only have to run upstairs and I'm breathless. That's another thing that

defeats the object of the exercise.

You know what's happened, don't you?

The lungs have gone, and do you know why?

Pollution. Too much lead in the atmosphere. It's all this petrol

Every time I drive that lorry down the road, I can see the trees wilt.

It's damage in the atmosphere.

That and underarm sprays.

We should do something about it. We should join friends of the earth,

before we end up in it. Yes, well, before the world finally disintegrates,

you mind if I get a decent job?

Well, no, no, you put in for it.

Norman, would you like a cigarette?

Oh!

Now then, I want you to tell me something, and I want you to be

honest.

How old am I?

Why, can't you remember?

I mean, how old do I look?

Oh, I'm not very good at getting ages, Archie. Oh, come on, have a go. I won't

be offended.

Um, 48?

No, you're not very good, are you? In fact, you're bloody awful.

What's the matter with you?

Well, you may not believe this, boy, but before I came in here, I'd never smoked

a cigarette.

Mother never approved.

Yeah, well, I sort of guessed that. You see, the thing is, you don't burn

evenly. You'll never do any good unless you burn evenly, and you don't take it

down. You can't enjoy a good cigarette unless you take it down. I think I shall

get a gold cigarette case, paper thin and a lighter to match. I think that

very sophisticated.

There's more to smoking than a gold cigarette case.

The way you smoke a cigarette can be very revealing.

In what way? Well, they're smoking it behind the back of the head. That's

reminiscent of the prison yard.

They're holding it in the fingers, pufter style.

Or they're flicking it about in a nervous and agitated manner. Or simply

it droop from the lower lip. You normally get that in food shops.

Now, the way a cigarette is smoked can tell us a great deal about the person

behind it.

Oh, uh, Mr. Paul.

Just a minute, Gupta. Did I hear a voice?

Do I detect a plan of life behind this smoke -laden haze? Could I have a word,

Doctor? Good heavens, it's Glover.

Is all that smoke emanating from you, or is the bed on fire?

A little serious.

I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to be absolutely honest.

How old do you think I look?

It's very difficult to say, Glover. I can barely see you.

But don't worry, you won't be looking much older, not with all this smoking.

You do anything about this smoking?

Yes, Mr. Topp. Good.

I'm sending out for more ashtrays.

More ashtrays? Good, but this is a hospital, not a first -class smoker.

trying to make them well, not finish them off.

Must have lungs like parchment.

Shall I open a window?

Yes, but do it slowly. We're in a smokeless zone.

Good Lord, even Norman.

Norman, what on earth do you think you're doing?

Smoking a cigarette.

Norman, please don't start this disgusting habit. You may think as

got a certain glamour, but I can assure you, this is a noxious weed that can

lead to lung cancer, breathing problems, thrombosis, and an early death.

I've only had three.

Yes, but... See you soon.

Cigarettes can seriously damage your health. They can.

It doesn't say they will.

What do you want, a garntie?

Well, some people seem to stay healthy enough.

Look, Norman, don't be taken in by these adverts. You may have seen that

photograph of the lean, bronzed cowboy smoking a cigarette gazing into the wide

blue yonder, but I can assure you, if he carried on like that, there'd soon be

an empty saddle nail corral.

That's not going to happen to me, Doctor. I don't take it down. I just

blow it around.

You don't have to take it down. Down, Norman, you're inhaling 40 a day,

next to figures.

Just a minute, Doctor. It's still a free country, and after all, it does depend

on your own personal metabolism.

I've smoked 40 cigarettes a day for years, and it's never done me any harm.

fact, up until last year, I always won the works cross -country race.

Yes, but what happened last year? Figures beginning to slow down, eh?

Well, Al Parsons won it, didn't he?

Well, dare I go out in the living and suggest that Alf Parsons doesn't smoke

cigarettes a day? That's true. He smokes 50 and supplements it with a pipe.

And I didn't say there weren't exceptions.

Alf Parsons is certainly an exception. He's the life and soul of the loading

bay. Always laughing, he smiles, reads in smoke, ash all down his front. He's a

real live wire.

That's all very well, Tickers, but you won't be laughing. None of you will. Not

with all the wheezing and coughing that's coming from this ward.

49, Glover.

I don't think he meant that, Bill. I just tried to frighten you. Is it really

that dangerous? Everything at this risk's normal. I see our managing

been struck by a fly in champagne cork.

Could lose his eye over it. What are you reading? Big works journal, isn't it?

I'm looking to see if I get a mention.

Oh, yes, here am I. Best wishes to Roy Figgis, popular driver of the export

sales fiction.

Get well soon, Roy. We miss your smiling face.

Pack it at 200 on the way. Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

It's nice if you've got a job. I told you to put in for it.

I know, there's a bit about Alf Parsons here. I wonder what he's been up to.

He's a lad, is Alf.

Suddenly at home, aged 14.

No flowers by request.

All donations to the Amateur Athletic Association.

What are you doing, Fig? Nothing.

Come on, what are you doing?

That's not that funny.

You've got the wind up, Fig. They've frightened you. Of course I'm

You didn't know Alf Parsons. I thought he was indestructible.

Apparently, he was helping his brother move a piano. He stopped on the stairs

catch his breath, said to his brother, flash the ash and drop down dead.

Those were his last words. Flash the ash. He never learned.

Well, I'm going to cut it down from now on. That's why I've got the pipe. You

should see what I'm finding in the filter. That used to go into my lungs,

You give it up, Norman, before it's too late.

But I don't want to give it up, Fig. It's the first dangerous thing I've done

my life.

I was never allowed to smoke at home. I've never been one of the lads.

I've never said, flash the ash, or suck a match with my fingernail, or shared a

cigarette with a girl. Shared a cigarette with a girl? You think it's a

sex symbol? You think you're Humphrey Bleed and Bogart? No, I don't.

I've had a reply about that job. They're coming to interview me on Thursday.

And you're right, Figgis, they weren't impressed that I wrote from hospital.

They said that they admired my honesty.

The only trouble is I told them I was 35.

Well, they won't admire your honesty for long.

You wouldn't pass for 35 with a bag over your head.

Doctor?

Gupta, I want to ask you something, and I want you to be absolutely honest with

me. No, no, please do not ask me, my dear Glover. I do not wish to be

It was a prize, Gupta, like guessing the weight of the cake. Now, please. Come

on, don't be afraid.

How old do you think I look? Now, you won't tell me.

Well, in that case, I think you are very youthful, well -preserved, 50.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm much younger than that. Mr. Thorpe is right. You should take more exercise.

You're not fit.

You smoke too much. Of course I smoke too much. That's because I live on my

nerves, Doctor. I can't relax.

Ah, ah. Then I can help you there.

I was like that once. Nervous, intense, excitable. Then I took up yoga. Yoga?

Yes. Yoga teaches you to relax the mind by relaxing the body.

Come, let me show you. Let me see you dark the lotus position.

Sit there. Arms by your side. Now cross your legs.

Cross. Yes. Up.

Careful, Doctor. I'm a thick man.

That is the lotus position.

What is the matter? I think you've crushed his petals.

Give it right up to your operation.

Let's try the womb position.

You'll find that much easier.

That is the womb position.

How long do I have to stay like this? Nine months.

What's the matter with Glover? Has he made a spasm?

No, he's in the womb position.

Womb position?

He's a bit big for that.

It is yoga.

It will encourage him to take his mind off the smoking. Oh, good idea, Gupta.

Now, but are you receiving, ma 'am?

I've just been looking at your records. If you carry on smoking at the rate you

are doing, you'll soon be in the dead position.

That goes for you too, people.

What's that in your mouth?

It's a pipe, doctor.

I can see that. Where's your willpower, figures? You're simply giving up one

filthy habit for another.

No, you're wrong there, Doctor. This is much more hygienic. You see, all the

nicotine is collected in the filter in the stem. It's much cleaner.

Much

cleaner

for who, figures?

Oh, what's the matter with you?

Oh, it's no good, Roy. I've got to have a cigarette.

Willpower, Archie.

Well, I can't relax. I think I've got withdrawal symptoms.

Norman, give me a cigarette. You told me not to give you one until the morning.

Give me a cigarette, Norman.

No, you said I wasn't to give you one, even if you asked.

Norman, I want a cigarette.

You said no matter how much you begged or pleaded, I wasn't to give you one.

not begging or pleading. I'm threatening. You said even if you

wasn't to give you one.

Give me a cigarette.

There's no need to get nasty about it.

Oh, Biggis. I had to do it, Archie.

Yes.

Yes, you're right, Roy. It's got to be the cold turkey treatment.

That wasn't a bad moment. Try to be a bit firmer next time.

I'm not staying here. It's getting too dangerous.

I think I should go and watch some television. Now, have I got everything?

Lighter, cigarette cake, reserve pack. Yes, that's it.

I'll see you later.

There he goes, complete with his junior smoking kit.

Some people never learn. Well, it's clean living for me from now on.

Man, it's not going to be easy. I've always smoked.

I've always enjoyed the gentle fragrance of golden Virginia.

Oh, shut up, Figgis. I'm irritable enough as it is, and I've got this

tomorrow. Oh, never mind, Archie. Try some of this. What's that?

Snuff.

This box could be the answer to all our problems. A drop of this up the hooter

to excite the nasal membranes and you can forget all about smoking. That is,

you can take it.

If I can take it?

Of course I can take it. The ability to take enough is the mark of a gentleman.

In that case, would you care to partake of a pinch, old fruit?

After you.

Certainly.

It's mine to be ashamed of.

I'll have to see if I can get some more.

Carmen, what are we watching tonight?

Oh, it's... Bloody hell!

Can't you be more careful?

You burned my backside, you damn fool!

God, I'm sorry! Sorry?

You're bloody dangerous! You shouldn't be allowed!

Stupid idiot!

I think there's a fire.

What have you done?

I'm sorry.

I feel fine, Piggott. I just wish you'd stop asking me, that's all. I wouldn't

have asked, only I thought you seemed a little short -tempered this morning.

Short -tempered? I'm not short -tempered. The Doctor thinks you're

-tempered. Why should he think that? I think it's the way you threw your

breakfast at him. That was an accident.

You've had a lot of accidents just lately, Archie. That's because you're

and irritable. Tense and irritable? I'm not tense and irritable.

Oh, never mind, Archie. It's going to be easier from now on. Norman's given it

up. He tried smoking two cigarettes at once last night and threw up in the

toilets. It's got nothing to do with smoking. It's just that I've got this

interview.

No wonder I'm tense.

Mr Hargreaves is waiting in the day room to see you. I believe it's about the

job.

Well, this is it.

Not that I'm worried. I mean, it's only an interview. He can't eat me.

Now, Mr. Glover, how do you do? Good morning.

Please sit down. Thank you.

Now, first of all, I'd like to say that the board were very impressed by your

application, particularly if it came from a sickbed. It shows the kind of

fighting spirit the company needs.

Thank you. Now, I see you give your age as 35.

Yes.

Yes, you must have suffered a great deal.

The question is, will you be fit enough for the post we have in mind?

Fit enough? Of course I'll be fit enough. I'm getting better every day.

need is a few weeks rest and recuperation. I wouldn't have put in for

I didn't think I was fit enough.

Good.

No trouble with your old nerves or anything like that?

Nerves? Good heavens, no.

Only you would be working under a great deal of pressure with long hours and

considerable travelling.

Oh, don't worry about that. I thrive on pressure.

Splendid, splendid.

Now, oh, do you mind if I smoke?

Smoke.

No, go ahead.

Would you care for a cigarette?

No, thank you.

No, you're quite right. It's a filthy habit.

Now... Now, the man we want must be good with people.

Are you good with people, Mr Glover?

I beg your pardon?

Are you good with people?

Of course I'm good with people. Ask anyone.

Your main responsibility will be dealing with employees and union officials.

Now, do you think you could cope with that? Union officials? Don't worry, I

how to deal with them. Belly -aching bunch of reds.

I beg your pardon?

Ruining a country.

Absenteeism. Broken agreement. Unofficial strikes.

Not that they can deal. I mean, have you ever met a shop steward who wasn't as

thick as two short planks?

Yes, but we were hoping for some tact and diplomacy. Tact and diplomacy? They

don't understand tact and diplomacy.

All they understand is force.

The iron hand in the iron glove.

I don't think you quite understand.

Oh, I understand, all right, and I blame management.

You're all so wet and spineless, you let them walk all over you. Now, steady on,

old chap. Who are you calling old chap?

I'm not old. I'm not as old as you. I bet you've got ten years on me, and I'm

fitter, and you know why? Because I don't sit around smoking and asking damn

silly questions.

Yes, you're right, it is a filthy habit, and you should give it up, but you

can't. You know why? Because you haven't got the willpower. There's a trouble

with British industry today.

Gutless!

Oh, I don't think so, Doctor.

Must be me.

The threat of fire haunts me day and night. It's almost smoking.

Do you know the cause of most fires?

Carelessly discarded cigarette ends.

I mean, look at Norman.

He's already set fire to Gupta in a woman's handbag.

He's only been smoking for two days.

Of course, you're very high up here.

If there was a fire, you could find yourself knotting sheets.

Yes, Doctor.

Even then, I don't think they've reached the ground.

You ever tried hitting a safety net, Biggus? Not likely, Doctor.

Yeah, it's not easy.

They could be picking off their terrace like strawberry jam.

Of course, the important thing in the event of a fire is not to panic.

Simply report in an orderly manner to your nearest assembly point.

Oh, where's that, Doctor? It's up.

Well, how the hell should I know?

You'll have to ask someone. The trouble is, people leave these things a little

too late. Have you been smoking tickets?

Oh, haven't you heard, Doctor? I've given it up. Good, that's a spirit I'm

to hear. Just cut it out completely. It's the only way. Now you mention it,

Doctor, I think I can smell smoke.

It must be coming up the ventilation shaft. It's probably from the canteen.

heavens, don't tell me they've set fire to the chip pan again.

I've got another boiled sweet, Norman. Can't you sleep?

No.

I just don't seem to have the willpower for this sort of thing.

I don't know how Figgis does it. Look at him. He's sleeping like a baby.

That's what you think.

through agonies while he's been inhaling the delicious fragrance of golden

Virginia on the slide.

Where is he?

I think he's in the loo. What is going on? Where is Figgis? You mean the Iron

Man of the Surgical Ward, Gupta?

He's having a crafty drag in the box.

He should not be doing that.

He should be in bed.

Come on. Let's go and find him. Come on.

had the chance to split.

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