Original subtitles

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P -P -Y.

Are we alone?

Yes. Good. Except for him. I'm not talking about Norman. He's in on this.

that's all right, then. I'm talking about our friend over there, Perkins.

You mean Joe?

Yes, where is he? Having a bath.

Well, that makes a change. Who's holding him down?

You get one, Archie. Well, you must admit, he does lack a certain personal

freshness. I'm surprised you haven't noticed.

Oh, you all haven't got your delicate nostrils, Glover.

So you think he smells. Well, that's charming, isn't it?

I wondered why you were always dashing round him with the air freshener. I'm

the only one who thinks so.

Norman agrees with me. Oh, does he? Well, he can speak for himself. Do you

he smells?

Well, he does pong a bit, Roy. There you are.

I see. And do you know what that smell is, Glover? I'll tell you. That's the

smell of hard manual labour, poor housing and bad sanitation brought on by

middle -class twits like you.

It's not just that he smells, Fig. He has these funny ways. What funny ways?

Oh, come along, Fig. You know what he's talking about. He talks to himself.

Well, he's been on his own for a long time, hasn't he? Stuck out there in the

country, miles from anywhere, with only the sheep for company. What do you

expect?

Anyway, he doesn't talk to himself.

He talks to his dog.

But he hasn't got a dog.

I know that, but it's not doing you any harm, is it?

I don't mind him talking to an imaginary dog fig, but now he wants me to take it

for walks.

See? Well, you should be flattered. You wouldn't trust that dog with anyone.

I think he's taken a fancy to you. I know.

I woke up last night and found him sitting on the edge of my bed.

Oh, yes?

He said he liked me.

What? Well, of course he likes you. You're a very prepossessing young man. I

don't like the sound of this at all.

Never mind, Archie. Perhaps he'll sit on your bed tonight. I hope not.

I don't like all this nocturnal wandering. It makes my flesh creep. He

was the son he'd never had. He wanted to be my father.

He left that a bit late, hasn't he? That's what I told him. I told him to go

away. I can't stand him. And he eats with his mouth open. Well, of course he

eats with his mouth open. What do you expect him to do? Shove it in his ear?

He's an uncouth old man, Figgis. I mean, what about all that? Business with his

teeth.

You never know where he's going to put them next.

I found them under my pillow this morning.

We think he should be moved into a sidewalk.

Oh, do you? Well, he's as nutty as a fruitcake.

He's harmless.

If he was rich, you wouldn't say he was as nutty as a fruitcake. You'd say he

was eccentric.

Ha! He says he is rich.

What? He says he's got land as far as the eye can see and a fortune in gold

sovereigns, and it'll all be mine if I change my name to Perkins.

Mine? God!

What did I tell you?

Delusions of grandeur. And I don't think he's harmless. I don't like that mad

glare in his eyes. Well, they don't put people away for that, Archie. I mean,

yours aren't exactly friendly.

I'll be darned, this enough.

Mind you, I wouldn't trust that dog of his.

Good heavens, Gupta, what's going on in there?

This buck is having a buck.

Well, he seems to be putting up quite a struggle.

Of course, you've got to remember, Gupta, he's a son of the soil, not used

these refinements.

What's the matter? Will he take his clothes off? No, he won't put them back

again.

You'd better get back in there and keep an eye on him. He won't let me near him.

He thinks I'm out there sitting bucks.

Good heavens, has he got it in there with him?

He won't go anywhere without it. Well, I'd leave it well alone, Gupta. He

probably keeps his ferret in it.

He's very difficult. Will he be with us much longer? I don't think so. I can't

find much that matters with him. I've tested him for everything except hard

I don't know why they've sent him to us.

I think he's little bananas.

No, not another. Why do they keep sending him to us? We're not trained for

sort of thing.

Look at the jab we did last week. Thought he was Edward VIII.

He'd only been here five minutes before he knighted three doctors and made

matron and dame of the British Empire.

I suppose we'll have to refer him to psychiatric. They'll soon tell them he's

Dottie.

Ah, hello, Perkins.

Settling in all right?

Yes, thank you, Doctor.

Nothing worrying you at all?

Oh, no, no, Doctor.

I know I'm in good hands.

They speak very highly of you in the parish.

They say you have the gift.

Oh, do they?

Good.

Well, better get back to bed, Perkins. Don't want to overtax yourself.

Yes, Doctor.

He's fairly normal to me, Gupta.

In fact, quite intelligent.

Come on, my beauty.

Come on.

Now, Joe, enjoy your bath.

Damn near scorned me.

I don't hold with all this hot water.

Fries up all the natural oils.

I don't agree with it.

Say, we've noticed.

Um, Beckett.

Um, perhaps you'd like to use some of my body rub?

No, thank you, Dover. It's very refreshing after a hot bath. No, no.

I don't want to smell like a tart.

What are you talking about? It's a very masculine cologne. It's called granite.

I don't care what it's called.

I don't want to be personal, Dover, but ever since I come in here, I've noticed

this smell.

You smell of scent, lover.

Sure makes me eyes water some nights.

I see. I suppose you'd prefer a rubdown with a damp hedgehog.

I like a man to smell like a man.

I'd stop using it if I were you. People might get the wrong idea.

Got a good face, boy.

Takes me back nigh on 50 years to that night at Braden Fair.

She were dancing for a yellow ribbon and I were over for the shin ticking.

And afterwards, we walked on the hill and the wind was howling and she were a

sighing and a weeping and I were a begging and a pleading.

But it won't be, boy, it won't.

She ran off with a gypsy man, and I never saw her again. Yes, you've told

Perkins, several times. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get to sleep.

That's right, boy.

Get to bed early. I think I'll join you.

Come on.

Yes, time I got my head down.

Once I got my teeth out. Now, where's that glass?

Just a minute.

Have you been using that glass for your teeth?

Yes, that's right.

But that's mine.

I've been drinking out of it.

Happy? I didn't know that.

I'd better go and give it a good rinse out then.

Oh, my God.

He's been using my glass for his teeth.

I can't stand it any longer. What about me? At least he doesn't want to adopt

you. At least you don't remind him of her.

most of my time hiding in the loo these days.

Well, I'm going to complain.

What's the matter now, Glover? It's Perkins. How much longer are we going to

have to put up with him? I mean, I'm supposed to be in here for rest and

recuperation, and I can't sleep with him whistling his dog all night.

That's not an ordinary dog, Glover. I know it's not an ordinary dog, Doctor.

one thing, it doesn't exist.

Precisely. Except in his mind.

That, Doctor, is a manifestation of some deep underlying anxiety, some nameless,

unspoken fear.

I wonder what it is.

You're not going to operate on him, are you, Doctor?

Probably buried deep in his psyche.

Probably goes back to childhood.

The human mind's a complex labyrinth.

We'll just have to humour him until we can get him into Green Lawns. Green

Lawns? But you can't send him there.

He's lonely.

He wants to be among friends.

He'll be among friends.

They're very understanding.

They weren't ones of that chap we had in last week. He doesn't think he's Edward

VIII anymore.

No, he's abdicated and become the Duke of Windsor.

Why don't you send him to Green Lawns? It's the best place for him. Yes, they

understand about these things.

My God, you can't wait to shut him away and forget him, can you? Now, that's

enough, I guess. I don't want any trouble from you.

All we have to do is chew on these.

Hello, Joe.

How are we now?

Oh, very well, thank you, Doctor.

And how's the old dog?

Dog? Man's best friend, yes.

Beautiful animal.

What is it, Joe? Is it a collie or a retriever?

What are you talking about?

I can't see any dog.

You think I'm bomb, are you assuming?

No, of course not, Joe. I was just testing.

These drugs have some strange side effects.

Well, I'd stop taking them if I were you.

I'm not taking them. You are.

Well, I'm not seeing anything, Doctor. Not yet, anyway.

Good. That's fine.

Oh, excuse me. I think I bleeped.

Well, you really fooled us all there, Joe.

You had us all going. We really believed you. We thought you were talking to a

dog. Dog?

I'm not daft, Figgis.

They don't allow dogs in hospital, I know that.

I've got him under the bed.

What are you doing, Archie?

Oh, not again. You're always Saturday. Who's upset you this time? I like to

it up to date, Figgis.

I'm surprised that you haven't made one. I should think about it seriously.

Both of you.

Oh, I couldn't do that. I'd find it too depressing.

What about you, Figgis? Nothing to leave.

Well, you must have something.

Oh, I gave it all away to avoid death duties.

But you must have some personal effects. A ring, a gold watch? Oh, I've got a

gold watch. Well, wouldn't you like to leave it to your eldest son?

Too late. He's had the back of it already.

Have you got another of those forms, Glover?

Yes. Good, I've one.

I've never thought of a will before.

And I've got no close relatives. Oh, come on, Jowd, there's plenty of time

that. You've got years ahead of you. Oh, no, no.

These things have got to be thought of.

Now, look what you've done.

Strange. He's left his tin box. He's never done that before.

I wonder what's in it.

Probably some sad mementos, a lock of hair, tram ticket, a seat with a

photograph. What's he doing?

It's unlocked. You can't do that, Archie. Trying into a bloke's private

What's in it?

Oh, my God.

It's... It's a fortune.

A fortune in goats.

Sovereign? He's rich.

Crikey. He was telling the truth after all.

I bet he'd call that land as well as far as the eye can see. Shut it up, Archie,

before he gets back. Well, I don't like to leave it like this. I'm sure you

don't. Will it be secure?

Well, if you put the lid back on.

I don't think I liked your tone, Figgis.

After all, there's a great deal of money in here and he's a very old man.

What's to stop some unscrupulous person coming in here and taking the lot?

You're thinking aloud again, Archie. I'm concerned about him.

Concerned about him? You couldn't wait to get rid of him? I suppose all that

money doesn't make any difference.

Of course not. Then why have your eyes gone glazed?

I've never been influenced by money figures. I shall continue to treat him

always have, and he'll have to just take me as he finds me. And he'll certainly

know where to find you with all that fortune in gold sovereigns. What do you

say, Norman? Don't ask him. He must have known about it. That's why he's been

wheeling round the old boy.

I haven't been wheedling round him. Oh, yes, you have.

Pretending to be his son.

I always knew you had a mercenary streak. No, I haven't. The idea never

my mind. I don't want his money. Neither do I. Well, I'm glad that's settled.

Norman Perkins.

It does have a ring to it.

Come along, Joey.

Drink your tea.

No, it's too hot.

Well... Shall I pour it into the saucer, and then you can drink it out of the

fine? Would you like me to cut the crusts off your bread, Joe? No, that's

right, Norman. I'll do that.

Well, would you like some homemade jam? No, he doesn't like it. He does. He had

some yesterday, and he loved it. No, he didn't.

The seeds got underneath his plate and made his gums sore.

It's not good enough for him. Where are you going, Joe? I'm going out in the

garden to get a bit of peace and quiet. There, you see, you've upset him now.

Now, come along. You'd better get dressed, keep warm.

That's it. Now, take my arm, Joe. No, I'll take him. You took him last time.

I'll take him. He wants a strong arm to lean on. He likes me to take him. You

should not be playing games with Mr. Parkinson. He's too old for this sort of

thing. He wants to go into the garden.

Then I will take him.

Come along, Mr. Perkins. Let us go out into the garden.

Get the jolly old sun on our bodies.

Enjoy the daffodils. They are blooming beautiful.

It's a lovely time of year.

Would you like to bring the dog?

We could throw a stick for him.

Or even better, I'd get him a chop from the kitchen.

I have influence in the kitchen. All that nourishing marabou and jelly and

things.

I bet he knows about the money.

He's hoping to be put down for a few rupees.

Well, it's a good thing that I'm around to save Joe from people like him. And

who's going to save him from people like you? Security call.

What do you mean, Figgis?

I've noticed a marked change in your attitude.

Cutting up his food, peeling his grapes, taking him to the lavatory, whether he

wanted to go or not.

All because you hope to get a mention in the will.

The thought never entered my head, Figgis.

I'm not anticipating anything.

Well, that's just as well, because he's bound to leave it all to Norman. He

reminds him of her.

Well, I'm not bothered, but of course, if he wants to leave me the money, I

shall try to be worthy of it. Not bothered?

Is that why you've been reading the Bible to him? He likes me to read the

Then who chooses the text?

Cast your bread upon the waters.

It's better to give than to receive.

The meek shall inherit the earth. We all know the meek is round here, don't we?

Well, I don't believe in inherited wealth. I hope he leaves it all to the

waggers. That'll let you two out. We'll see.

What are you doing? Looking for his will.

Ah, here it is.

Oh, my God, Norman.

Someone's got here before us.

I hereby bequeath all my worldly goods to Royston James Fig Leaves.

Royston James Fig Leaves.

Who's that?

Do we know him?

Royston James Fig Leaves. A bloody silly name.

Royston James... Oh, my... God, Figgis, it's you.

It's Royston James Figgis. You've got the lot.

But with agricultural land at 2 ,000 pounds an acre, you're going to be worth

over a quarter of a million. A quarter of a million?

My God.

What's the matter? I'm a bleeding capitalist.

Oh, yes, this is the one.

gentlemen's residence in superior residential area with uninterrupted view

the children's.

You're not a gentleman, Figgis. You're an upstart.

You never will be a gentleman as long as you've got a home. No, no, that'll do,

Archie.

Gentlemen do not approve of vulgarity.

Money doesn't make a gentleman, Figgis.

I mean, how long before it's jellied eels and whelks on the terrace?

Brown ale cooling in the bidet.

floating in the swimming pool.

Uninterrupted view of the Chilterns. I feel sorry for the Chilterns if all

they've got to look at is you.

You know what's the matter with him, don't you?

Envy. He's eating his heart out.

I get some people like that.

Now, what are those holiday brochures it pays to plan ahead?

I don't think Edie will settle for Ramsgate this year. No, it'll have to be

somewhere more exotic.

Oh, now, what about this?

Seven European capitals in six days.

That's better than Hitler did.

You've always wanted to travel, haven't you, Norman?

Yes, but I've never been lucky enough to have the money.

What's the matter with everyone?

Dear Figgis, I've just heard about your good fortune.

May I congratulate you? Thank you, Gupta. I'm glad somebody's pleased. Mind

I'm not counting on it.

Is he planning a holiday?

Yes, well, I'll need to convalesce after what I've been through. You should go

to India. It's a lovely country. Do me a favour, Gupta. I'm just getting over

one illness.

I don't want to top it up with dysentery.

Besides, if it's such a beautiful country, why does everyone want to leave

We leave it because we are poor.

We are not like you figures. We are not rich.

We are not bloated capitalists exploiting the poor and the oppressed.

Do you mind, Captain? I'm supposed to be resting. Just pump my pillars up. Pump

your own pillars up.

What a word with you figures.

Just a complaint from Mr. Perkins' relatives. They informed me that he's

you his sole beneficiary.

Now, how did you manage that?

What sort of pressures did you put on the old man?

Why should anyone want to leave you money?

Oh, I see. So that's it. I suppose you were open to get a mention.

I mean, it's amazing how many medical men crop up in the last will and

testament. That's what you think, is it, Figgis? Well, if you're accusing me of

self -interest, what about you?

What's happened to your socialist principles?

For someone with no respect for property, you're about to acquire an

of it.

Well, I'm sorry you feel like that, Doctor, because you could have benefited

from my good fortune.

You could have had a new art machine.

What's wrong with the heart machine you've got?

What do you mean? Another screw dropped out of it yesterday.

It hardly gives you confidence, does it? You could have had the Roy Figgis heart

machine. You might even have had the Roy Figgis ward, or the Sir Roy Figgis

ward, or the Lord Figgis of the Chilterns ward.

But you can forget it now. And so can you, Figgis. We're all very concerned

about Mr Perkins' sanity, especially now he's left his money to a total

stranger. We're going to send him to Green Lawns tomorrow.

But you can't do that, Doctor.

He's as sane as you are.

I've got the evening paper.

I think I'm going to attack you here.

Have you seen what's in the evening paper?

Oh, I can't concentrate with all these interruptions. No, shall we move into

ward? No, don't go. I enjoy a game of drafts. Norman, I'm not talking to

Would you tell him to go away?

I can't, because I'm not speaking to him either.

Oh, blimey, that does it. Joe, are you awake?

What's the matter? Do me a favour, will you?

Disinherit me. Cut me off without a shilling, just for my sake.

Everybody knows about it. It's making my life a misery.

Well, if you don't want it, you can always give it away.

Not when Edie and her mother find out. They'd sooner give me away.

Look, the best thing you can do is cut me out of your will and do us both a

favour. They're sending me to Coventry and you to Green Lawns.

Yes, and you know what that means, don't you? You take my advice, and as soon as

they bring your clothes tomorrow morning, show them a clean pair of eels.

back to your farm as quick as you can, lock your doors and find your shotgun.

And when you see those blokes in the white coats coming over the hill, let

have both barrels. Friggis, I bear that in mind. I'd better go and make

arrangements.

My God, Friggis, I never thought I'd see anyone do that.

You must have given away over a quarter of a million.

I know.

And they want to certify him.

Are you sure I can't get you a taxi? Oh, no, it's all right. Now, don't rush me.

Come on, they'll be here in a minute. Oh, my God, that's torn it. I was just

popping off duty and I thought I'd come and say goodbye before I went. I believe

the men from Green Lawns have arrived.

How's he taking it, Biggis? Very well, Doctor, under the circumstances.

But if you don't mind, could you just say goodbye to the dog?

It would mean a lot to me.

The dog, Figgis.

He's over there.

Well, I suppose we should humour him over there. Black and white collie. Just

make it possible.

If you think it's the best.

Hello, boy.

Oh, don't jump up.

It's good energy, eh?

Perhaps we can get him a bone from the kitchen.

He's ready for you now.

He always says that.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

Oh, yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P, H -A -P -P, only when I laugh.

H -A -P -P -Y.

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