Original subtitles

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P -P -Y.

You'll never guess who's just come in. Who?

I couldn't believe my eyes.

pinch myself.

She just stood there in front of me.

Gloria Robbins.

Who's Gloria Robbins?

Who's Gloria Robbins? Well, surely you can't have forgotten.

Gloria Robbins, the unruly heart, revulsion, the cruel earth. Oh, Gloria

Robbins. Yes, I remember her. I knew you couldn't have forgotten. No, she was a

pain.

No, she wasn't. She was superb.

Yours gave me a pain.

You're so insensitive, Figgis. Didn't you see her in the cruel earth? Yes, I

her. Well, remember that last scene where she stood amongst the ruined

brave smile playing round her lips? No, I don't remember that.

I must have been queuing for the ice cream.

Queuing for the ice cream? That's typical of you, Figgis. You've got no

feelings. She just stood there.

framed against the night sky, an aura of light around her head, and her face

went sort of blurred, and a single tear glinted on her cheek.

It was probably glycerin. No, it wasn't glycerin. She could weep real tears.

There was nothing artificial about Gloria Robbins.

People were dazzled by her beauty. She was physical perfection.

How do we know? I noticed we never saw her legs.

She either wore long dresses or was photographed from the waist up.

She probably had legs like little tree trunks.

Don't be ridiculous, because we saw her legs in the last days of Pompeii. We saw

someone's legs. We don't know they were hers, do we? They could have been

dubbed. I don't have to listen to this.

What do you think you're doing?

I thought I'd just pop down there and say hello. Where is she? She's in a

private room down the corridor.

I might have known she'd have a private room. Talk about privilege.

You've got to have a private room when you're a celebrity. People won't leave

you alone. They're attracted to the famous.

I should know.

What do you mean, you're not famous?

I know I'm not famous, but I do bear this unfortunate resemblance to Gregory

Peck.

You're nothing like Gregory Peck.

You're more like Lord Lucan.

Only since I grew the moustache. I had to do something. People kept pestering

for my autograph.

Well, I can't see it. Now, if we're talking about likenesses, what about

face? Doesn't it strike a chord? No.

Well, does it remind you of anyone?

Who? Clint Eastwood.

I'm nothing like Clint Eastwood. That's because I'm not wearing a poncho. Give

me a cigar and a poncho and I'll look like Clint Eastwood. Give anyone a cigar

and a poncho and they'll look like Clint Eastwood. Anyway, it's all of you.

I didn't say standing up, did I?

You'll never guess who's just come in. Not in a hundred years. Go on. You'll

never guess.

Gloria Robbins.

You've heard. I think everybody's heard by now.

Hey, aren't you? Where are you going with my flowers? Can I just get them

there while they were still fresh, Norman? Down where?

Where do you think? He's taken them to Gloria Robbins. He can't wait to get

there and sip champagne from her slipper.

I think his mother must have been a gaiety girl.

I hope he doesn't get carried away, that's all. Well, you can't blame him to

think that Gloria Robbins is right here in this building.

I think it's fate.

This could be my big chance. I've always wanted to act.

You?

Well, they thought I was quite good at school. I had the lead in Romeo and

Juliet.

I'm sorry, Norman, I just don't see you as a Romeo.

No, actually, I play Juliet.

Juliet?

Sometimes I worry about you, Norman.

It was an old boy's school.

You mean you had to say, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Yes. I can imagine where Romeo was, having his studdocks in the corner.

I knew you'd make fun figures, but I don't care. Now I've seen Gloria

It all seems possible, because she still has this charisma.

Charisma? You're worse than Archie. You're both being carried away by an

illusion. Gloria Robbins isn't even her real name.

What is her real name? Maud Baggett.

What's that, Figgis? Just talking, Doctor.

I understand we have a celebrity in our midst. You've heard already, have you,

Figgis? No doubt it's round the whole hospital.

Yes, Gloria Robbins has put herself in my hands, and I must say I feel a very

special responsibility.

You mean it's a cash job?

I mean it's an honour, Figgis. Besides, Gloria, Miss Robbins... is physically

exhausted. What was the new play in the series in the baked bean commercial?

And now the stomach pains.

Well, she's been doing a baked bean commercial. I'm not surprised she's got

stomach pains.

Nonsense figures. It's probably a direct result of tension and overwork.

True business isn't all tinsel and glitter, you know.

I shan't forget what I went through in HMS Pinafore.

She needs rest.

I didn't want you going down there and disturbing her. Don't worry, I've no

intention of disturbing her. She doesn't interest me.

You haven't seen her, Fig.

She's still beautiful, isn't she, Doctor?

She's a magnificent creature, Norman.

A magnificent creature?

Hardly a medical phrase, is it, Doctor? I think we've departed from the textbook

there, haven't we? I don't think I like the sound of that. And I don't think I

like that carnation in the butthole, either.

What are you suggesting, Fingers? As far as I'm concerned, she's just another

patient. Ah, but are you just another doctor?

I've got you down for a highly emotional human being with a more than passing

resemblance to Dr Kildare. And with her well -known capacity for falling in

love, anything could happen.

Are you sure, Fingers? My approach would be purely professional.

The pain in the stomach is ready for you now, Mr. Thorpe.

That's Gloria Robbins down there, Gupta, not a pain in the stomach.

How many times have I got to tell you to stop referring to the patients by their

ailments, Gupta?

Look what happened when we had the mayor in last week and you referred to him as

the haemorrhoids by the window.

He didn't like it, Gupta. You'll find that out if you try getting a council

house.

I'd better get down there. How do I look?

Very dashing, particularly with the carnation. Yes, I thought that might

more informal.

I think she's taken a liking to me, Gupta.

Of course, in the gospel of my world of the stage, where there's fickle

friendships and false emotions, you must always be looking for something solid

and dependable.

A woman like that should never be alone.

No, she's not alone.

Glover is with her.

What?

I'm so glad you came.

I don't feel so alone now.

I was really rather nervous.

Oh, don't be nervous.

Remember the cruel earth, when they pulled that poisoned arrow from your

shoulder and you had to bite on the bullet?

You were so brave.

The cruel earth.

Darling, don't tell me you saw that old thing. Yes, it must have been in 1950.

Yes, I was just a child.

I've seen all your films. I feel as though I've known you all my life.

Isn't that amazing? Do you know I have exactly the same feeling?

That we've met somewhere before?

You mean the face is familiar?

Look closely.

Oh, you mean we met before you grew your moustache?

No, I mean try and imagine me without the moustache.

Who do I remind you of?

Now, I'm not quite sure.

Gregory Peck.

Yes, of course.

An uncanny resemblance.

Have you ever done any acting, darling?

Well, I did do a little bit when I was at Blindle's, but there were no girls.

Only Fatty Bulstrode. So I thought it was a favour to take up squash.

Oh, what a pity.

Because you have a lovely voice.

Well, I was thinking, Gloria.

That perhaps you'd like me to read to you when you retire.

Oh, darling.

That would be super.

Super?

Lover, do you mind getting off that bed? I've told you about that before.

Sorry, sweetie.

Well, I'll see you later, darling.

Ciao.

night, Archie? Sorry, not tonight, Figgis. I've got to go and see Gloria

She likes me to read to her before she goes to sleep. Oh, not again. I've told

you, you're wasting your time.

Don't understand, Figgis.

It's happened.

Has it?

I'd almost given up hope. I never thought it would. Neither did I.

Not on the national oath.

I'm in love.

Oh, not again.

No, this time it's real. But, Archie, she's an actress, and it's a well -known

fact that actresses are always acting. They're incapable of real emotion.

That's just where you're wrong.

We've spent several days together. I feel as though I know her intimately.

So do half of Equity.

Careful, Figish. You're talking about the woman I intend to marry.

Gosh! You mean you're going to be Mr. Robin?

No, Norman.

She's going to be Mrs.

Glover.

Have you mentioned me yet, Archie? Mentioned you?

About hearing me read.

No, not yet, but keep on practising, Norman. I might put a word in for you

later. There he goes, off to preen himself again. It'll end in tears,

just like all her films.

She's toying with his affections.

I might have to have a word with her.

Do you think she'll come down here?

What, mingle with the riffraff? Do me a favour. If you want her to hear you

read, you'll have to shout through the keyhole.

I'd better keep practising.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Oh, God.

What's the matter? Oh, when you compare anybody to a summer's day, that's

ridiculous. Who wrote that?

Shakespeare. There you are, then.

What do you mean? He's the finest writer in the English language. He has a

magical gift of phrase.

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer's leaves have all too

short a date.

That's poetry.

Sounds more like the weather forecast.

Then why don't you try reading for yourself and stop interrupting?

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Shall I compare thee to a

summer's day?

Hello.

Hello. You must be Figgies.

That's right. I'm afraid you have the advantage of me.

I'm Gloria Robbins.

Oh, yes.

Well, don't you know me?

Well, now you mention it, the face does seem familiar.

The actress.

Oh, yes, of course, the baked bean commercial.

I might have known you'd send me up.

I've heard a lot about you, Figgis.

Oh?

What have you heard?

That you don't approve of me.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Well, it's rather nice down here. I haven't been here before.

Well, it's not exactly first class, but it's reasonable. It's what we call

national health steerage.

What are you reading?

You can tell a great deal about a man by the books you read.

Shakespeare.

The sonnet.

You do surprise me, Figgy. Why?

He's the finest writer in the English language.

Magical gift of phrase.

Why are you staring at me like that? Was I staring?

Well, I think I'd better go. Would you be kind enough to tell Archie that I

won't be able to make it tonight?

I'm feeling a little tired. Certainly.

What was the name again?

Gloria Robbins.

You did remember me, didn't you?

The unruly art?

Revulsion? The cruel earth? Of course I remember you.

Blimey, you took your time. Don't tell me the toupee's slipping again.

I haven't got time for your batting arch figures. I'm late. Now, where's my book

on Elizabethan verse?

Oh, um, you won't need that, Archie. She just talked in to say not to bother

tonight. She's feeling too tired.

Too tired?

But she said she was feeling so much better. I'd better go to her. Don't do

that, Archie.

Why not?

Because it would be a mistake.

Can I give you some advice?

Don't appear too eager.

After all, it's that detachment, that air of mystery that she finds so

attractive about you.

I'm sure. Of course I'm sure.

And she has seen a lot of you just recently.

She needs time to think.

Let her get back to a plain diet, then she'll realise what she's been missing.

Perhaps you're right.

In that case...

What about a game of Scrabble? I don't think I'll bother tonight, Archie. I

to see what's on the box.

Hello?

Hello, Figgy.

I thought I'd drop in to see how you were.

Oh, well, isn't it a little late? Of course it's late. That's the point. This

when your bodily resistance will be at its lowest.

Now, I felt I owed it to Archie to see how you are. He's very impressionable,

Archie. I like to keep an eye on him.

He's so susceptible.

And you're not?

Oh, I can take it or leave it.

Oh, should we have a glass of champagne?

Oh, thank you.

I didn't realise that you and Archie were such great friends. Oh, we should

We've been through untold dangers together.

Really? In the army?

No, in here.

They don't walk out of here very often.

Oh, but they... They said Mr Thorpe was a very good man.

Well, of course they did. You won't hear a bad word against him in here.

He's buried all his mistakes.

Oh, I'm beginning to feel very nervous again.

Would you like me to read to you? It might soothe your nerves. Yes, would you

mind?

Certainly.

Oh.

But stop what light through yonder window breaks.

It is the east and Julian... Excuse me a moment.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the endless moon. Shut up, Norman. I've got here for

you.

Just a strolling player.

Where was I? Let me see.

Oh, yes.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Shakespeare. Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

Not bad, is it? As long as it's down to these and those.

You see, what he's doing is weighing up whether he should compare her to a

summer's day. But that's not good enough. He always knew how to pile it

Then he says, rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer's lease

hath all too short a date.

Now, to the casual observer, it appears that he is talking idly about the

weather. But all the time, he's moving in for the kill.

And then he lets her have it, straight between the eyes.

But thy eternal summer shall not fade.

What woman could resist that?

Oh, I agree.

Oh, blimey, it's Thorpe.

He'll be dropping me on the scene with his champagne left. I'd better make

myself scarce.

How are you appearing this evening, my dear?

Oh, much better. Thank you, Doctor.

Oh, please.

Call me Gordon.

Isn't it rather late?

Oh, I can never risk, Gloria. My life's a ceaseless battle against an enemy who

never sleeps.

I must always be vigilant. He's ever at my shoulder.

Oh, Gordon.

Don't be alarmed.

I shouldn't burden you with my cares. It's just that sometimes people can only

see a white coat.

I'm also a man, Gloria.

Do you understand?

I think so.

Good. In that case, would you sign this?

What is it?

It's not a consent form.

You're not going to operate?

No, I'd like your autograph.

Just make it out to Gordon. Nothing elaborate, with deepest affection.

Yes, of course.

But tell me, how about the test? The tests were perfect. You've just had a

indisposition brought on by overwork. You're going to be fine.

Oh, Gordon, I could kiss you.

Then, um, why not?

I was thinking about the Hippocratic Oath.

Why? You haven't taken it, have you?

So, what is your game for?

Thought I was out of the way, did you? What are you doing in here? Get out. I'm

about to examine Miss Roberts. Is that what you call it?

No.

Too far this time. Oh, thank you.

Stop.

Gloria.

I knew this would happen.

You were friends before I came here.

Good friends.

Well, I wouldn't say friends exactly. Now, you listen to her, Archie. I've

between you.

I've destroyed something beautiful.

But, Gloria... No, no, no.

You don't understand.

I'm no good to you.

I'm no good to anybody.

still work things out, Gloria. He wasn't that much of a friend.

Really? No.

We're from two different worlds, Archie.

It would never work.

But, Gloria... I'm leaving here tomorrow.

Oh. I shall go out of your life forever.

Oh.

All I ask is, when you think of me, think of me kindly.

The good times.

Oh, Chloe.

Oh, Archie.

Oh, go.

Come on, old chap, what is this? You're not eating.

What is the matter?

I'm just not hungry.

This will not do, my dear Glover. You're finding a way over here.

You must forget her.

Off with the old love, on with the new, as they say.

So she turned you down.

I'm always being turned down.

Every night I get turned down.

Every night I ask a girl to come home with me, but she will not come.

What, you think not all the way to India?

So I keep bouncing back like the jolly old rubber ball.

That is the only way.

Please, leave me alone, Gupta.

He's not good.

He's not eating.

He's not talking.

I think he's had another weep in the washroom.

Archie, I said it would end in tears. Come on, Archie, old son, you can't go

like this. What's past is past.

You know what's on tonight?

Clint Eastwood in a fistful of dollars. You like that? It's where he has this

sheet of metal under his poncho.

There's bullets bouncing off him like hail off a tin roof.

He doesn't want to see a spaghetti western figure. It's all dubbed. They

their mouths and the words come out three days later.

You shut up. It'll do him good. I think this is right.

Clint Eastwood.

He's a splendid fellow.

He comes to town. The man with no name.

laugh at him, but they do not know what he has under his poncho.

The next minute, he's pumping lead and they are biting the dust.

Bang, bang, two chaps on the roof, one in front of the livery store. The bank

manager, more work for the undertaker. Bang, bing, bang, bang.

How is he?

I'm afraid he is still the same.

And after all, a chaste kiss in the cheek, a simple gesture of gratitude.

Nothing more.

No point in disturbing the medical council about that one.

Now, come on. After all, men have died from time to time and worms have eaten

them, but not for love. No, it's usually on the operating table.

What's that, Bigger? Nothing, Doctor.

You think it's all just a trivial infatuation, don't you? But that's where

you're wrong.

I shall never forget her words.

I shall go out of your life forever.

All I ask is that when you think of me, think of me kindly.

Remember the good times.

Yes, quite.

But there's a treat in store for you, Clever. Do you know what's on television

tonight? Yes, I heard.

Gloria Robbins.

What? In Bitter Spring, one of her earliest films.

Oh, Doctor, do you know what this means? I shall be able to see her again when

she was young and full of hope.

I'll be able to imagine how things might have been if we'd met then.

Well, excuse me, I want to get to the television and check if it's all right.

I wish you hadn't done that, Doctor. I was hoping to keep that from him.

Well, it's the least we could do, figures.

I suppose you're right.

I can't help wishing he'd fallen for Clint Eastwood.

Yes.

Where's he got to?

He's just discovered that she's married another.

She's been standing there for about three minutes, not saying a word.

It's what they call a pregnant pause. Yeah, she's that as well.

I think this is when she walks out into the storm.

How's Archie taking it? Look at him, he's transfixed. He hasn't uttered a

since it started.

I knew this would happen.

You were friends when I came here.

I'm no good for you.

I'm no good for anyone.

I... I'm leaving tomorrow.

I shall go out of your life forever.

All I ask is... when you think of me, think of me kindly.

Remind me of... the good times.

Did you say Clint Eastwood?

I know I am. I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P -P

-Y.

15, 16, wide.