Original subtitles

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P -P -Y.

You know, it's amazing the way the stomach can digest tripe, isn't it?

You wouldn't talk about tripe. I don't like tripe. I know, but if you could,

could digest it. And that's amazing when you think about it. Why is it?

Because that's what tripe is.

Stomach lining.

I mean, how can you digest tripe and leave your stomach? You'd think they'd

go the same way.

In which case, when you came to your pudding, it'd fall straight through.

Of course, you know what the answer is, don't you?

Mucus.

What's the matter? Don't you want it?

I suddenly don't feel very hungry.

You want to watch that, you know. You're supposed to be building up your

strength. I don't like this loss of appetite.

Oh, please, Fig, don't start diagnosing me again. I've had quite enough of your

medical facts for one day. You told that man in X -ray he had hydrophobia.

No, I didn't. Just said there was a possibility he had trouble swallowing.

did when you finished with him. He had trouble standing up.

What about Archie? What about him?

You've been waiting for him to peel over ever since the operation. You've

diagnosed creeping paralysis, prostrate gland and angina. You've pronounced him

dead twice.

I wouldn't mind, but you always said he was a hypochondriac. I know he's a

hypochondriac, but what you've got there is that rarity in medical practice, the

doctor's dilemma, a sick hypochondriac.

Then why are they discharging him? Because he's cried wolf once too often,

hasn't he? He's got that many symptoms they can't sort him out.

I feel sorry for him.

He's got no job, no money, nowhere to go.

He could always go to his GP.

Oh, do me a favour.

You can't get hold of them, can you? You have to shout your symptoms down the

bleeding phone.

And even if they do see you, all you get's a dozen purple hearts. Now, I

they should have kept you near for further observation.

Sorry, mate, no visitors. You're still feeding the animals.

It's Archie!

Blimey, so it is. I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.

How do I look?

You look...

Terrific, Archie.

Do you think so? Yeah.

There's something missing now. What is it? Oh, I know. It's a shooting stick.

I haven't got a shooting stick.

No, well, they do tend to make holes in the carpets, don't they?

Sir, it's a pity. You need something to lean on. How do you feel?

I feel fine.

You look great.

My God, you can't get beyond that tweed jacket, can you? Trust you to be

impressed by a bit of good cloth.

Clothes make the man.

Make him? They're probably all that's holding him up.

Blood pressure's down, the cholesterol's down, the palpitations have gone. What

about the ruddled poker in the side?

I'm not going to let it worry me, figures.

I'm going to try to lead a normal life.

The first thing I'm going to do is have a stiff gin and tonic followed by a slap

-up meal. Well, you take it easy. You might finish up with your face in the

ghetto. You take care of yourself.

Yes. I suppose that this is goodbye.

Oh, wait a minute. I've got something for you.

Oh. What are you going to do when you get out?

I suppose you'll have to find yourself a job.

I'm not sure.

I may take a villa in the Algarve for the summer, or possibly a cruise.

I see.

I'm sure you've got enough bus fare.

As a matter of fact, I'm a bit short. I still haven't found my checkbook. Oh,

yes, the elusive checkbook. I told you, you should have informed Interpol.

Now, look here, I think it's... When I... What's this? What's it look like?

a tenner.

Oh, no, really, Roy, I couldn't... Now, go on, take it.

Here you are, Archie. Oh, thank you, Norman.

That's... That's very nice.

You can hang things in it. Yes, of course. That's what I'll do.

I'll hang things in it.

You've got it upside down. Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, yes. It's very attractive.

Well, I... I suppose this is goodbye.

Ah! There you are. All ready.

Glad to see you've made such an excellent recovery. No blood pressure,

palpitations, no red -hot pokers on the side.

Ah, I wanted to talk to you about that.

Don't tell me it's come back.

No, it's more like a branding iron now.

Ah, well, that's an improvement, isn't it? I think I'd rather have a branding

iron than a red -hot poker.

Don't worry, you're looking marvellous. But what about my eyes?

What about your eyes? Well, they seem to be bulging. Well, of course they're

bulging. It's perfectly normal.

Don't forget, you haven't worn the tie for some weeks.

Clother's probably too tight.

Always think of the simple explanation first, Clother, before you come

us. Now, you know the way out, don't you?

Bye -bye.

Do you think he's going to be all right, Doctor? Of course he's going to be all

right.

Moments like this are very rewarding. It gives you a sense of purpose, a feeling

of a job well done.

They come in here thick and bent, and we send them out tall and straight. Yeah,

tall and straight and horizontal.

What's that, Figgis?

I can't help being worried about him, Doc. Are you sure you haven't missed

something? Of course I haven't missed anything. We've given him every test. We

couldn't keep him here forever, Figgis. I see. You need the bed, do you? We do

not need the bed.

Glover has made a complete recovery and he's been discharged.

What about the eyes? They were definitely bulging.

Your eyes will be bulging in a moment. I thought there might have been a clue in

the human jigsaw puzzle. A guide in the complex labyrinth of the body.

I think it's a symptom.

A symptom of what?

Hashimoto's disease.

Hashimoto's disease?

Whatever made you think of that?

Well, I thought he looked a bit yellow.

Because Hashimoto's disease does not give you an oriental appearance.

That's the name of the man who discovered it.

Stop interfering and leave the diagnosing to me. Am I trying to be

Helpful? You're a meniscus.

You're spreading panic through the whole hospital.

You've already persuaded three men in the general ward they got the black

They spent a whole day looking under each other's armpits.

I only told them there was a possibility.

The Black Death died out in the 14th century. How could it be a possibility?

I know it's a long shot, but we are built over a plague pit and the virus

take a thousand years to die out. You told them the hostel was built over a

plague pit? We are sitting on an ecological time bomb, Doctor.

Figures. I'm not saying the health service is perfect, but we do not build

hospitals over plague pits.

Well, I didn't say all of it.

Just the canteen.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter with you, Norman? I don't feel very well. I think you'd

get a doctor.

Be quiet.

Both of you, you're like a pair of old women.

Oh, life seems so good this morning.

When I said goodbye to Glamour, do you know what I thought?

One down, two to go.

Don't you worry about your symptoms, because I'm working day and night for

recovery. My one ambition is to restore you to a full and healthy life.

And when you walk through those doors...

There'll be tears of gratitude in my eyes.

But until that great day comes, keep out of my way!

Did you hear that?

There was no need for him to lose his bleeding temper, was there?

If he doesn't want my help, all he has to do is tell me to shut up. I'm not

trying to tell him his job. He can do his own diagnosing, and that's my last

word on the subject.

Did you notice his thyroid?

Aren't you bored?

No. You know what's happened, don't you? You've become institutionalised. You

don't notice the monotony any more.

Don't you ever feel like doing something different?

What do you mean, different?

Well, I don't know, like dashing stark naked through geriatrics shouting anyone

for press -ups.

You're missing Archie, aren't you?

Oh, I suppose I am, really.

I miss the cut -and -thrust of debate.

I've always liked a good argument.

Well, you've still got me.

I can't argue with you. You always agree with me.

I'll disagree if you like. Well, there you are. You'll do anything to be

agreeable.

I wonder what he's doing now.

You envy him, don't you? Envy him? He's out there drinking, smoking, eating,

damaging his health, undoing all the good work.

Of course I envy him, and I'm going to join him.

What? You can't go out.

You haven't got any clothes.

Oh, no? What do you think these are?

Where did you get them from?

They fell out the back of a cupboard.

They'll recognise you.

Do me a favour. You saw what happened when Archie came in in his clothes?

We didn't recognise him.

No, in here, we're just patients, not people.

As soon as you're out of your pyjamas, they don't know you. They'll think I'm a

doctor. You can't go around posing as a doctor, Thorpe. Why not? Thorpe's been

doing it for years.

Come on, let's have a listen.

Blimey, do you always make this much noise?

Nurse screams.

You can't, darling.

I'm going to have to.

It's too late to dig a tunnel.

You won't get away with it.

You don't look like a doctor. You don't act like a doctor. You don't sound like

a doctor. They'll see straight through you. Now, listen.

Good evening, Doctor.

Good evening.

Keep taking the pills.

Are you from the General?

Yes, that's right. I think you're doing a wonderful job.

Oh, thank you.

My mother died in there.

You're from the General?

Yes. I thought so. You've got my admiration.

Have I? Oh, I couldn't do it, being with sick people all the time.

Must be nice to get away, relax and have a drink. Yeah, yeah.

I'm glad you've come in.

I've got this stabbing pain.

I wasn't going to mention it, but it's getting worse. It shoots up my leg,

across here and then down and finishes up there.

I don't like the sound of that.

Think it's serious.

I'm glad I haven't got it.

Stabbing pain?

Yes. Getting worse?

Yes, that's right. I wonder what it is.

I thought you could tell me that.

Oh, now, do me a favour. I'm just out for a quiet drink, not a consultation.

If I was a plumber, you wouldn't expect me to dash out and look at your pipes,

now, would you?

I would if they was leaking.

I see.

Well, you should have said something.

Well, I'll have to know more about it, of course. We don't go in for snap

judgments at the General.

Good diagnosis comes from skilled observation.

Your trousers aren't too tight, are they?

No, I don't think so. This pain, can you describe it? I've told you. It creeps

up my leg, shoots across the ear and then down there. That's no good to me.

Sounds more like a ferret up your trousers.

I can't diagnose unless you give me a proper description.

I see I'm going to have to sift the evidence. Now, a stabbing pain in the

you say, of varying intensity.

Yes. Does it come after you've taken exercise?

Yes, that's right. Have you had it before?

Yes. You've got it again, mate.

But what is it?

Well, it's your veins. I don't know how you get about on that leg.

You know what's happening, don't you? Your blood's not getting through.

Yes, it's all clucking. It's all at the bottom. What you've got there is a boot

full of blood.

What do you think I should do? Well, get your weight off it for a start. And

when you're feeling better, get down to the hospital and tell them you've got

hardening of the arteries.

Hardening of the arteries?

Oh, my God.

Anyone else with any problems?

Well, uh...

I've got this little problem, but I don't like to talk about it.

Oh, yes?

Come on, you can tell me.

I won't be shocked.

I don't like to.

Oh, come on.

Whisper.

Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of, mate.

There's no social stigma in that.

Some of the crowned heads of Europe have had that.

All it is is varicose veins.

Only they're not in your leg.

Don't worry, don't worry, I won't say anything.

This is in the strictest confidence.

What do you think I should do? Get yourself down to the hospital.

And take a cushion, the seats are a bit hard down there.

Anybody else?

Well, I've got this sore throat, I don't suppose it's important.

Oh, yes, well, let's take a little look then, shall we?

Come on, wide.

Oh, yes, that's very nasty.

Looks like a clear case of vile disease to me.

You haven't been bitten by a rat, have you?

Certainly not.

In that case, it must be our old friend that struck the cock -eye.

You haven't been eating that pork pie, have you?

Yes. That's a mistake. Take my tip. Never eat anything from under a dish,

especially if it's got the traditional green mold.

See?

Now, we don't want to start alarming all the customers, do we, sir? No, of

course not.

Oh, you must get fed up with it. People going on about their health all the

time. Coming up to you with every little pain. Well, yes.

Load of hypochondriacs in here, you know.

Always complaining.

Not like me. Never hear me complain.

Despite these dizzy spells I've been getting the last few months.

Ringing in the ears.

Ends of me fingers go all numb. You wouldn't know what it is, would you? You

haven't been eating that pork pie, have you?

Well, yeah, I did have a slight... Have you got a sore throat?

Now you've come to mention it. Gentlemen, we could be on the verge of a

breakthrough. And this pork pie could be Exhibit A.

This could be the first outbreak of Legionnaire's disease.

Legionnaire's disease?

I thought you could only get it in a desert.

No, it's a food poisoning of an unknown origin.

Excuse me, but there's a gentleman taking ill in the lounge.

Did he eat the pork pie? Oh, I don't know, but he looks terrible.

Oh, well, I think you'd better get a doctor. Well, I told him there was one

here, but it only seemed to make him worse.

Yes, well, I'm afraid I've got to... Well, I think he's coming through.

I know this man.

He's got Hashimoto's disease.

Good God, it's figures.

How are you feeling now, Archie? Oh, much better, thank you, Norman.

I must say, it's great to be back.

It's rather chilly outside for this time of the year.

What is all that noise?

There's pandemonium in the general ward. A crowd of people are coming with pork

pie poisoning.

He looked tearing his hair out. Apparently a local doctor sent them in.

I know.

It was Figgis.

What? Yes.

Yes, he's down at the Green Parrot. Everybody's buying him drinks. He must

his fifth fight by now and diagnosed him like mad. They'll murder him if they

ever find out.

Well, why didn't you say something?

I'm not complaining. He had me readmitted.

After you with the Lucas aid.

It's an emergency, Gupta. They're dropping my flies out there. I know

empty bed in here.

I'm afraid it has been reoccupied. What?

Glover.

Oh, no.

I thought I gave strict instructions. He was not to be readmitted unless he'd

lost a leg.

Even then, I'd want to make sure it wasn't tucked underneath it. What's he

there? He was examined by a doctor in St. Ogier.

Apparently, he collapsed in the green barrack.

Another one?

What's going on down there?

We've already had four in with Legionnaire's disease, a cardiac arrest

case of piles.

What's the man doing?

He must be running his surgery from down there.

Why can't he refer them to their GPs?

I suppose he is a doctor.

What do you mean?

Remember last year, the case of the phantom surgeon?

Broke in, removed three warts and a birthmark.

We never did get to the bottom of that.

Why does everyone want to be a doctor?

Doctor, when are you going to start my treatment?

What treatment?

We don't even know what's the matter with you, Glover.

Haven't they told you?

We think it's Hashimoto's disease.

Hashimoto's disease?

Stint out a bit now? I'm not surprised. Most of them are in casualty.

Oh, I don't worry. They'll be all right. You have to act quickly in these cases.

We shall know more once we've had that pork pie analysed. It's a good thing you

came in. I don't know what we'd have done without you. You were so calm and

reassuring. Do you think so?

Well, we're used to these sights down at the General.

People foaming at the mouth, eyes rolling.

That's just the staff.

It's a shame, though. Just when you're trying to relax and have a quiet drink,

all these people bothering you with their ailments.

I must say, you seem a very understanding person.

It's nice to meet somebody who's healthy for a change. I was beginning to think

the whole world was sick.

There's nothing much wrong with me.

I can see that.

Except for the flashing light.

What?

I get these flashing lights in front of my eyes. And then pins and needles in my

fingers. And then the heavy breathing.

You've no idea what it is.

Well, when does it happen? Well, usually when I'm excited.

Do you often get excited?

Oh, yes, yes, I live on my nerves. I'm a very emotional person.

Have you seen anyone about it?

No, no, I haven't been under a doctor for ages.

Why's that?

Well, I had no confidence in the last one. I went to him with my chest, but he

seemed in a worse state than I was.

trembling, he had trouble with his breathing, he kept leaning out of the

and taking gulps of air.

Well, it doesn't give you much confidence, does it? Oh, no, it sounds

he was suffering from that complaint which besets the medical profession.

Oh, what's that? Acute frustration. It occurs when you find it difficult to

separate the patient from the woman. It can be very serious.

And what happens when you can't separate the patient from the woman? You end up

in front of the medical council.

Oh, I'm sure you're not like that.

I feel I could trust you with my problem.

You have...

strong, reliable hands.

Yes, well, look, I'd like to help you, but I'm afraid my stethoscope's clogged.

Oh, what's the matter?

Well, it's happening. I knew it would. I'm going all faint.

Must be all the excitement.

I'm having one of my tongues.

Oh, my God.

All I wanted was a quiet drink. Can somebody hold her? I've got an urgent

appointment. Excuse me. Hey, hey, hey, hang on a minute. You can't just leave

her like that. Ain't you going to examine her? Oh, not soon enough.

Are you refusing to treat her?

There's nothing I'd like more, only I haven't had her consent.

If her husband was here, that would be different. I'm afraid it's against the

Hippocratic oath. Well, that's all right, cos I am her husband and I'm

you to examine her.

Well, if you put it like that. Well, stand back, let the dog see the rabbit.

Yes, well, her breathing seems regular enough.

I always thought the heart was on the left side.

Usually... Yes, I'm just checking for any irregularities.

You check the airway?

Oh, do you mind?

Blimey, all of a sudden, everyone's an expert. If you think you can do any

better, oh, Gordon.

Well, it is this time, Doctor.

Hashimoto's disease, the black death, botulism. Excuse me, I don't feel well.

think it's the pork pie.

Hang on, what about us? It's all right, sir. I am a doctor.

Rightly so, and there's video in some privacy.

Yeah, we'll be a doctor, yeah. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Yeah? I'm from the general.

Oh, God, not another one. Are you a doctor at all?

No, I'm a nurse.

Oh, yes.

Is there a man over here who says he's a doctor?

He's in there examining my wife.

Oh, goodness me, I have bad news for you.

That man is not a doctor.

He's not a what?

Please be calm.

He's a patient. He's not very well.

He's going to be a damn sight worse than I'm pretty pretty.

You'd better come in. He might need you.

Where's me pyjamas? Where have you been? I had to wait for the last bus, didn't

I? Did you have a good time? A good time? Do me a favour. All I wanted was a

quiet drink. They wouldn't leave me alone, rabbiting on about their

What's that bed doing in here?

Oh, he came in half an hour ago. Apparently there wasn't room in the

ward. What's wrong with him?

Concussion. He was hit with a heavy metal tray.

Well, I wonder if the brain cells any good.

Where's my pyjamas?

Good evening, Doctor.

Your admission is over here.

Do you care to examine him? Oh, yes.

Yes, of course.

Blimey! No,

it's just a mild concussion.

Aren't you going to look at the eyes, see if the pupils are dilated?

Oh, the eyes, yes.

Of course.

Oh, yes, yes, they're very dilated, yes.

He needs a good night's sleep.

There's probably some amnesia. His mind may be a blank regarding the events

preceding the concussion.

I hope.

He probably won't remember a thing.

That's what you think, figures!

H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am. I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am. I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P -P -Y. Oh, yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

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