All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s01e05 Let Them Eat Cake

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

You having trouble with a crossword?

No, I can't say no more. I can't go on
like this.

As long as I'm a monk. What are you
talking about?

Well, don't you miss them, Figgy? What?

Women.

Don't you wake up every night thinking
about them? Every nerve screaming?

Certainly not. I've told you to stop
reading their magazines.

Why do you read all that stuff? What
pleasure do you get from it? Don't do it

for pleasure, Norman.

I do it so I don't forget what they look
like.

This way, if I ever see one again, I'll
be able to identify it by the

silhouette.

Calm down, Archie. Take it easy. Make
the best of things.

Make the best of things? What things?

What have we got to look forward to?
Well, Coco will be along in a minute.

Oh, yes, I was forgetting with Coco.

That's going to be the highlight of the
evening, isn't it?

He's hardly been brimming with incidents
up to now, has it? Not unless you count

the time that he dropped the bedpan.

No, let's face it.

I've had livelier times in the public
library.

You've been here too long. That's your
trouble. You're not supposed to have a

lively time. You're near for rest and
recuperation, not rape and pillage. I

don't understand.

I dream every night that I'm surrounded
by women. Then I wake up and find you

two. It's very frustrating.

Of course it's frustrating, and I
sympathise. Perhaps we can get Gupta to

to you from the Kama Sutra. He's not on
tonight.

Well, there you are. There's something
to look forward to.

Who's going to walk in through that
door?

Who's it going to be?

Probably the Incredible Hulk, or the one
with the ankles.

Oh, what's happened to all the pretty
nurses?

That's what I want to know. Why don't
they come in here any more? Because it's

the vernal equinox, that's why.

What are you talking about? Spring,
mate.

Saps rising, isn't it?

All nature's become aware, and so has
Matron. She's no fool.

She's observed the bee robbing the
flower of its nectar, and she's making

you don't try and do the same thing.
She's put them all on geriatrics.

I'm not saying they don't have impure
thoughts in there.

I just don't have the strength to carry
them out.

I'm going to complain.

It's affecting my morale.

At least they could send someone in here
with decent legs.

Even if they did, they wouldn't get
involved with a patient. It's a rule.

They've got to be completely
emotionless.

Nurse Clare isn't completely
emotionless. Who? On the surface, she

and remote, but under that starched
white apron, she feels like a woman.

She's not the only one.

What have you been on about?

Tangled web?

By Ethel P.

Dodds? Where'd you get this from?

I found it in the day room.

You don't want to take any notice of
this.

It's pure fantasy.

Absolute rubbish.

Tangled web.

What's it about?

It's about this nurse she's become
involved with Gerald a patient He's a

young man with beautiful hands white
teeth and the finest hair she's ever

She's worried about him, but she tries
to hide it. She keeps going outside and

pressing her face against the wall What
does she press her face against the wall

for? She's fighting back the tears
because she's a nurse. She's always

Or biting her lower lip or digging her
nails into the palms of her hands. And

all the time, beneath that starched
apron, her heart lurches and leaps.

and she's worried about him. I'd be
worried about her.

Pressing her face against the wall, her
heart lurching and leaping. It's not

normal. She sounds in a state of
collapse.

She is.

She's just been tossed aside by rich
playboy Brad Stevens.

tanned, broad -shouldered and better
looking than any man deserved to be.

He's just been admitted to casualty
after falling from his polo pony.

But when she saw him, he wasn't the old
Brad. The clean -cut face looked warm

and there were smudges of weariness
under the eyes.

What does she do?

the colour drained from her cheeks and
she had to go out for some fresh air.

Blimey, she's off again. She's not well,
is she? She'll be pressing her face

against the wall again in a minute. No
wonder he tossed her aside.

She's a dead liability.

Well, I can tell you how it's going to
finish.

Brad Stevens will get her.

She won't go for a young one with a
beautiful hand.

He'll probably die.

I'm not so sure. Young Gerald's just
told her her eyes are the exact shade of

emeralds. That must have made her think.

And then there's Dr. Seymour Carew. He's
been helping her pick up the pieces.

Don't tell me she drops things as well.

He keeps kissing the top of her head and
knocking her cap askew.

But she can't forget Brad Stephens, his
eyes cloudy with desire, the tang of his

aftershave and his mind -numbing kisses.

She just has to keep reminding herself
she's a nurse and not some cheap and

ready thing. Just listen to him. He
believes all this rubbish. He's worse

Ethel P.

Dodds. That's probably a pseudonym
anyway. Probably written by some bloke

chunky sweater and carpet slippers.

Life's not like that, Norman. You'll
soon find that out. Hello!

You've got a nice smile.

Would you like to help me with the
cocoa?

Who, me?

It's no good asking him, nurse.

He's always dropping things.

We've just had a very nasty incident
with a night utensil.

You'd better let me do it. Now, you stay
right here, Mr Glover.

Let the young ones do the work.

You get plenty of rest.

We'll see if we can find you a ginger
nut.

A ginger nut?

Or would you prefer something softer?

No, thank you, nurse. I've still got my
own teeth.

I don't mind going. You rest, Archie.

What a nice smile.

Yeah. And the finest hair you've ever
seen.

Would you believe it? Isn't that
amazing?

You know who that was, don't you? That
was Nurse Clare, straight from Tangled

Web. Even looked like her. Don't be
ridiculous.

Well, didn't you see her eyes? They were
the colour of emeralds.

And these were sticking out on stalks,
definitely cloudy with desire. They

Did you hear what she said to me?

Told me to rest.

Let the young ones do the work. My God!

I know I'm not looking my best, but she
made me feel like a geriatric.

Fig?

Look at me.

Do I look that old?

Well, the clear -cut features may be a
little worn and there are faint smudges

of tiredness under the eyes, but
remember playboy Brad Stevens?

She was probably fighting back the urge
to surrender to the tang of your

aftershave and those bittersweet kisses.
She has to remember she's a nurse and

you're a patient.

I wish you'd stop quoting that book.
This is real life, not fiction.

What could she possibly see in him when
his mother told him the facts of life he

fainted? Well, perhaps that's it.

Perhaps she doesn't want to put
temptation in her path. I mean...

When he goes in there, he'll actually
make the cocoa.

Is that all right?

Yes, that's lovely. I'll find a tray.

I was wondering, do you think we could
do this every night?

Oh, yes, that'd be fun.

Yes, but it's not much fun in there.
They're not really with it. No. Well,

they're older.

They think I'm boring.

You're not boring.

I bet you're super company.

I'm... Glad they put me on this ward.

Beneath that starched front, she knew
she was still a woman. She admired his

fine hair, his white teeth, and the
graceful movements of his hand.

Are you all right, Norman? You look
pale.

No, no, I'm all right.

I'll get the ginger nuts.

Younger than Prince...

Out of the locker are you. Please, Mr.
Thorpe. I've been looking for you

everywhere, Sally. You're trying to
avoid me. What have I done to deserve

Will you please stop bothering me?

Bothering you?

I wasn't bothering you at the Christmas
party.

Well, that was Christmas. It was
Christmas.

Well, what do you want me to do? Get a
drink of holly and sing a few carols?

Or let me back holiday, too.

Best to arrange something for Whit.

Yes, Mr Thorpe, don't be bitter. Bitter?

Of course I'm bitter.

I may be a surgeon, but I'm also a man.
I have feelings.

I can't just switch them on and off like
that.

Excuse me, Mr Thorpe, I was looking for
the ginger nuts.

You mean he tried to kiss her? Yes, but
she wouldn't let him. Of course she

wouldn't. She's not the sort of girl for
a cheap and tawdry affair.

He might knock her at the skew, but not
her heart. Besides, she was probably

thinking of young Gerald, the patient
with the beautiful hands.

What do you think, Archie?

Old?

I'm not old.

Mature, yes.

Like a vintage wine that needs to be
savoured.

Not a bottle of pop, all full of wind
and water.

What's he talking about?

Who says I'm old?

All right, then. Let's see who can do
the most press -ups. Come on. I don't

to do any press -ups. All right, then.
Hand wrestling. Come on, hand wrestling.

I don't want to do any hand wrestling.
No, because you know that you'd lose.

what's the matter with me? I'll tell you
what's the matter. You're both buzzing

round there like moths round a flame,
and Archie's got his wings singed a bit,

that's all. To think that she could have
had me in some of the clumsy fumblings

of a callow youth.

If you want to watch it, Norman, I know
that.

He's going to have one of his attacks
tonight.

He's going to have to call a nurse to
his bedside, but not before he's

himself in aftershave and changed into
his silk pyjamas. Am I right, Archie?

You are going to be privileged to watch
an expert at work.

See and be amazed, cocoa maker.

You'd better leave her alone.

What are you going to do about it? For
God's sake, calm down, both of you.

you see it's the tangled web all over
again? This ward's become a seething

cauldron of emotion.

Emotion? You two don't know the meaning
of the word.

Hello,

Sally.

Everything all right?

Yes, thank you, Ram.

Come and see if you've settled in.

You've settled in.

I'm glad you've settled in.

Yes, yes, I've settled in.

Yes, good, good.

It's strange when you think everyone is
asleep but you and me.

Two people alone in a sleeping universe.

That's very poetical, Ram.

I am Indian. We are very poetical
people.

Anything else, Ram?

Yes. A word of warning.

The men in there can be very
troublesome.

What do you mean?

I would not trust them with my own
grandmother.

Especially that patient Glover.

Gives all the nurses the hot glance.

Don't worry.

I can look after myself.

Do not give that yet. Let me do that.

Leave this to me.

Your servant at all times.

Kiss me, darling.

Keep him away from me!

You have been here too long, Archie.

You've forgotten what they look like.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. H -A -P -P
-Y.

I see you've got to the difficult bit.

Get up with the damn thing.

They're not like you, Norman, all
impatience and language.

Don't tell me basket weaving's losing
its magic.

You know what's the matter. It's Bally.
I can never get a moment alone with her.

I'm not surprised. It's just like
Tangled Web.

There's you fluttering your beautiful
hands, Thorpe knocking her out to skew,

Glover pursuing her with panthery
strides. Every time you turn round, the

colour's draining from somebody's lips
or they're digging their nails into

palms. I never thought it would be like
this.

I wondered why Ethel P. Dodds was always
going on about heart lurching and

leaping and smudges of weariness. Last
time I felt like this, I had flu.

Word. It's a kind of sickness in a way,
isn't it? What is?

Love.

You're in love, mate.

Am I?

Oh, yes.

How do you know?

Oh, I've been there. I know the signs.

Oh, I wish I did. I wish I could be
sure.

You'll know.

You'll change.

You'll feel the sudden impulse to pat
small boys on the head and give them

things. You find yourself weakening the
pictures for no apparent reason.

You spend hours looking at yourself in
your underpants.

Now you mention it, I've just spent ages
in the bathroom trying to see my

shoulder blades.

There you are, you see? You're in love.
It's a sure sign when you become

preoccupied with your appearance.

You know what Glover's doing now?

Having a mud pack.

Well, I must say, he's been acting a bit
strange.

Well, of course he is. He's not getting
anywhere, is he?

He keeps asking, mirror, mirror, on the
wall, who is the fairest of us all? And

the answer's always the same. Not you,
me old cock.

What have you got there? Wouldn't you
like to know? Let me see. No. What is

Only a picture of her.

How did you get that?

Supposing I said that she gave it to me.
She didn't give it to you. You took it.

Never mind how I got it. It's mine. And
what's more, I'm going to keep it by the

side of my bed. No, you're not. Yes, I
am.

Every night before I go to sleep, I'm
going to give her a great big kiss like

this. No, you won't give it to me. Give
it to me.

I've got a piece. I've got a piece. What
have you got? I've got her ear.

Well, give it back.

I won't look big about her ear. A sweet,
adorable little ear.

Oh, he's spoilt it, the little
pipsqueak. Oh, for God's sake, Archie,

her ear hole.

Only her ear hole?

That's the ear hole of the most
beautiful girl who ever breathed. You

really believe that, Archie. It's
because she's more interested in Norman.

You're jealous.

Jealous? I haven't got a jealous bone in
my body. Why should I be jealous of

that little creep? Can't you see,
Archie? They're drawn to each other.

I know who you are. I've been wondering
for some time. You're not a lorry driver

at all. You're Ethel P.

Dodds. Can't you see?

It's youth calling to youth.

I knew you'd bring my age into it. You
know, it must be a constant surprise to

you that I can walk without the aid of a
stick. Well, I don't care what you say.

I'm going to stick this on the end of my
bed.

And if he comes near it, I'll throttle
him.

Ah. Now, now, how are you feeling? I
understand you're having some restless

night. Do you want to give a point of me
to sleep?

No, thank you.

I don't want my senses dulled, if you
don't mind.

I want to feel everything.

Yes, but I don't want nurse to be in her
feet all night.

Neither do I, Doctor.

Well, that's where you'll feel.

What's this?

Only a picture.

What's it doing here?

We can't have this.

They'll have to be removed.

Seymour Carew took the picture in his
strong square fingers and slipped it

his top pocket.

Now she was close to his heart.

He could hardly wait to get back to his
room so that he could devour her fresh

beauty. What's this figure? We're just
reading aloud, Doctor.

Let me see.

Really, this is rubbish figures.

Aren't you the one to devour her fresh
beauty? Perhaps the canteen's closed.

You shouldn't read stuff like this
because it bears no resemblance to real

I'm not so sure.

It's amazing how life tends to imitate
cheap literature, Doctor.

Rubbish.

If you're looking for our left ear, old
Norman's got it.

Hey, where's Archie?

Taking his curlers out.

I wish you'd stop chasing after her.

I wish you'd stop staring at her ear
hole.

I can't help it, Steve.

What am I going to do?

I'll tell you what happens in Tangled
Web.

Late at night, see, Gerald rings the
bell and in comes Nurse Clare.

He asks her to straighten his pillows
and she leans over and he whispers

something in a low voice.

She puts her ear hole next to his mouth
and before she knows where she is, he's

given her a belter.

He doesn't have much of a charm.

That's what Gerald thought.

But he had this friend, genial Jim
Merriweather, an older man, kindly and

thoughtful, who was suffering intense
pain without a word of complaint.

You know, it's amazing how the
characters in this book resemble real

What did Jim Merriweather do?

He put in a good word for him, didn't
he? Now, off you go and leave this to

Go where?

Well, get that beard down to the
epidermis. You could play havoc with a

skin. Go on, off you go.

Oh, nurse, I wonder if you'd just check
my dressing.

Certainly, Mr. Piggins.

Nice lad, isn't he?

Who? Norman.

Nice hands, lovely white teeth.

Finest hair you've ever seen.

Hey, stop it, nurse, you're tickling me.

Stop it. I'll have you know I'm a
married man.

I'll take a look at that, nurse.

About the most popular infection, I
believe.

What is that you deserve, nurse?

Don't smile.

You're leaning on it, Doctor.

Too much to ask? Just one smile?

Smile, for God's sake.

You have nothing to say.

I'm the master.

Well, that's all, Mr. George.

Yes, thank you, nurse. Oh, thank God for
that.

Yes. That's really just rubbish, are
you? This isn't rubbish, Doctor. Ethel

Dodds is a shrewd judge of human nature.

What she's described here is your
classic eternal triangle.

Seymour Carew, gentleman surgeon and man
about town, is in love with this

beautiful young nurse. But he had a
rival, this wily oriental straight from

Kama Sutra.

Why the oriental? He'll stop at nothing.
He'll go to any lengths.

What sort of lengths?

Like telling his wife.

His wife? But she won't believe it.
Until she comes to the hospital and

him together. Even then, she behaves
with simple dignity. She makes one last

gesture to save her marriage.

What's that?

She transfixes him with one of his own
scalpels.

It's all in the book, Doctor.

While you're in, Doctor.

Thank you, figures. I'll bear that in
mind.

What do you think you're doing, Gupta?

She's not over here.

So you thought you drew some flower
arranging?

What about your patience?

You're supposed to be in duty, not
sniffing flowers.

You've certainly changed since that girl
came in the war, Gupta.

And what about you?

All this younger than springtime.

Don't think I haven't noticed.

You look ridiculous.

What would your wife say?

Ah, I wondered when you were going to
get to that. So that's your game, is it?

Well, let me warn you, we have ways with
blackmailers in this country, Gupta.

I'll deny everything.

There's nothing in writing.

I wouldn't say I wasn't tempted, but I
resisted Gupta.

After all, I'm a married man, a member
of the choral society, treasurer of the

badminton club. Do you think I'd hazard
all that in some wild fling? No.

You don't?

Yes.

Good.

You know, you should take up badminton,
Gupta. Good for you.

Vigorating exercise, cold showers.

It would soon drive away all those
impure thoughts.

I think I'll go down to the pharmacy and
pick up some tablets.

Yes, well, I think I'll come with you
and make sure you get there.

Well, are you going to ring that bell or
aren't you?

Well, I'm not going to do it in front of
Archie. He'd laugh.

No, he won't because he's not here.

What do you mean he's not here? He's
gone.

What happened to him?

He, uh, dropped off early, so I took him
for a little ride.

You can't do that. Oh, I've done it.

Where did you leave him? Never mind
where I left him. You ring that bell.

I think I'll wait just a bit longer.
You're not getting cold feet, are you?

Well, get on with it. Remember the words
of Ethel P. Dodds, seize the moment

only the lifetime of regret.

I'm not laughing. Get on with it.
There's no one here.

You're here.

Well, I won't look.

Did you think I was going to look?

Well, that's nice, isn't it? I'm your
friend, genial Jim Merriweather. Oh,

hurts, that does. I'm sorry, Steve.

Ring that pleading bell.

You've always said you wanted to do
something more with your life.

Well, I really meant going abroad. This
beats going abroad, mate.

What's that?

Do you think I could have a glass of
water?

Or and.

trembled slightly as she hit it at the
glass.

Once again, she felt the sheer animal
magnetism of this fine, handsome youth.

What's the matter? Can't you sleep?

No, I was just thirsty. I'll be all
right now.

Well, good night, then.

Nurse, do you think you could straighten
my pillows for me?

Oh, yes, certainly.

Nurse, I... What is it, Norman?

Good night, then.

She kissed me, Fig.

She kissed me. Yeah.

On the mouth. Yeah.

With both lips.

Yeah. It was great.

I thought she'd slap my face.

So did I.

And I'll tell you something else. So did
Ethel P. Dodds.

What do you mean?

He did it in the book. I know.

And she slapped his face.

Didn't you tell me? Why should I?

Ah, who's Ethel P. Dodds anyway?
Probably some poofter in a buckle belt

sailor trousers.

What have you done with Archie? Don't
you worry about Archie.

I've got a feeling when he wakes up,
he's going to be a very happy man.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.