Original subtitles

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P -P -Y.

You having trouble with a crossword?

No, I can't say no more. I can't go on like this.

As long as I'm a monk. What are you talking about?

Well, don't you miss them, Figgy? What?

Women.

Don't you wake up every night thinking about them? Every nerve screaming?

Certainly not. I've told you to stop reading their magazines.

Why do you read all that stuff? What pleasure do you get from it? Don't do it

for pleasure, Norman.

I do it so I don't forget what they look like.

This way, if I ever see one again, I'll be able to identify it by the

silhouette.

Calm down, Archie. Take it easy. Make the best of things.

Make the best of things? What things?

What have we got to look forward to? Well, Coco will be along in a minute.

Oh, yes, I was forgetting with Coco.

That's going to be the highlight of the evening, isn't it?

He's hardly been brimming with incidents up to now, has it? Not unless you count

the time that he dropped the bedpan.

No, let's face it.

I've had livelier times in the public library.

You've been here too long. That's your trouble. You're not supposed to have a

lively time. You're near for rest and recuperation, not rape and pillage. I

don't understand.

I dream every night that I'm surrounded by women. Then I wake up and find you

two. It's very frustrating.

Of course it's frustrating, and I sympathise. Perhaps we can get Gupta to

to you from the Kama Sutra. He's not on tonight.

Well, there you are. There's something to look forward to.

Who's going to walk in through that door?

Who's it going to be?

Probably the Incredible Hulk, or the one with the ankles.

Oh, what's happened to all the pretty nurses?

That's what I want to know. Why don't they come in here any more? Because it's

the vernal equinox, that's why.

What are you talking about? Spring, mate.

Saps rising, isn't it?

All nature's become aware, and so has Matron. She's no fool.

She's observed the bee robbing the flower of its nectar, and she's making

you don't try and do the same thing. She's put them all on geriatrics.

I'm not saying they don't have impure thoughts in there.

I just don't have the strength to carry them out.

I'm going to complain.

It's affecting my morale.

At least they could send someone in here with decent legs.

Even if they did, they wouldn't get involved with a patient. It's a rule.

They've got to be completely emotionless.

Nurse Clare isn't completely emotionless. Who? On the surface, she

and remote, but under that starched white apron, she feels like a woman.

She's not the only one.

What have you been on about?

Tangled web?

By Ethel P.

Dodds? Where'd you get this from?

I found it in the day room.

You don't want to take any notice of this.

It's pure fantasy.

Absolute rubbish.

Tangled web.

What's it about?

It's about this nurse she's become involved with Gerald a patient He's a

young man with beautiful hands white teeth and the finest hair she's ever

She's worried about him, but she tries to hide it. She keeps going outside and

pressing her face against the wall What does she press her face against the wall

for? She's fighting back the tears because she's a nurse. She's always

Or biting her lower lip or digging her nails into the palms of her hands. And

all the time, beneath that starched apron, her heart lurches and leaps.

and she's worried about him. I'd be worried about her.

Pressing her face against the wall, her heart lurching and leaping. It's not

normal. She sounds in a state of collapse.

She is.

She's just been tossed aside by rich playboy Brad Stevens.

tanned, broad -shouldered and better looking than any man deserved to be.

He's just been admitted to casualty after falling from his polo pony.

But when she saw him, he wasn't the old Brad. The clean -cut face looked warm

and there were smudges of weariness under the eyes.

What does she do?

the colour drained from her cheeks and she had to go out for some fresh air.

Blimey, she's off again. She's not well, is she? She'll be pressing her face

against the wall again in a minute. No wonder he tossed her aside.

She's a dead liability.

Well, I can tell you how it's going to finish.

Brad Stevens will get her.

She won't go for a young one with a beautiful hand.

He'll probably die.

I'm not so sure. Young Gerald's just told her her eyes are the exact shade of

emeralds. That must have made her think.

And then there's Dr. Seymour Carew. He's been helping her pick up the pieces.

Don't tell me she drops things as well.

He keeps kissing the top of her head and knocking her cap askew.

But she can't forget Brad Stephens, his eyes cloudy with desire, the tang of his

aftershave and his mind -numbing kisses.

She just has to keep reminding herself she's a nurse and not some cheap and

ready thing. Just listen to him. He believes all this rubbish. He's worse

Ethel P.

Dodds. That's probably a pseudonym anyway. Probably written by some bloke

chunky sweater and carpet slippers.

Life's not like that, Norman. You'll soon find that out. Hello!

You've got a nice smile.

Would you like to help me with the cocoa?

Who, me?

It's no good asking him, nurse.

He's always dropping things.

We've just had a very nasty incident with a night utensil.

You'd better let me do it. Now, you stay right here, Mr Glover.

Let the young ones do the work.

You get plenty of rest.

We'll see if we can find you a ginger nut.

A ginger nut?

Or would you prefer something softer?

No, thank you, nurse. I've still got my own teeth.

I don't mind going. You rest, Archie.

What a nice smile.

Yeah. And the finest hair you've ever seen.

Would you believe it? Isn't that amazing?

You know who that was, don't you? That was Nurse Clare, straight from Tangled

Web. Even looked like her. Don't be ridiculous.

Well, didn't you see her eyes? They were the colour of emeralds.

And these were sticking out on stalks, definitely cloudy with desire. They

Did you hear what she said to me?

Told me to rest.

Let the young ones do the work. My God!

I know I'm not looking my best, but she made me feel like a geriatric.

Fig?

Look at me.

Do I look that old?

Well, the clear -cut features may be a little worn and there are faint smudges

of tiredness under the eyes, but remember playboy Brad Stevens?

She was probably fighting back the urge to surrender to the tang of your

aftershave and those bittersweet kisses. She has to remember she's a nurse and

you're a patient.

I wish you'd stop quoting that book. This is real life, not fiction.

What could she possibly see in him when his mother told him the facts of life he

fainted? Well, perhaps that's it.

Perhaps she doesn't want to put temptation in her path. I mean...

When he goes in there, he'll actually make the cocoa.

Is that all right?

Yes, that's lovely. I'll find a tray.

I was wondering, do you think we could do this every night?

Oh, yes, that'd be fun.

Yes, but it's not much fun in there. They're not really with it. No. Well,

they're older.

They think I'm boring.

You're not boring.

I bet you're super company.

I'm... Glad they put me on this ward.

Beneath that starched front, she knew she was still a woman. She admired his

fine hair, his white teeth, and the graceful movements of his hand.

Are you all right, Norman? You look pale.

No, no, I'm all right.

I'll get the ginger nuts.

Younger than Prince...

Out of the locker are you. Please, Mr. Thorpe. I've been looking for you

everywhere, Sally. You're trying to avoid me. What have I done to deserve

Will you please stop bothering me?

Bothering you?

I wasn't bothering you at the Christmas party.

Well, that was Christmas. It was Christmas.

Well, what do you want me to do? Get a drink of holly and sing a few carols?

Or let me back holiday, too.

Best to arrange something for Whit.

Yes, Mr Thorpe, don't be bitter. Bitter?

Of course I'm bitter.

I may be a surgeon, but I'm also a man. I have feelings.

I can't just switch them on and off like that.

Excuse me, Mr Thorpe, I was looking for the ginger nuts.

You mean he tried to kiss her? Yes, but she wouldn't let him. Of course she

wouldn't. She's not the sort of girl for a cheap and tawdry affair.

He might knock her at the skew, but not her heart. Besides, she was probably

thinking of young Gerald, the patient with the beautiful hands.

What do you think, Archie?

Old?

I'm not old.

Mature, yes.

Like a vintage wine that needs to be savoured.

Not a bottle of pop, all full of wind and water.

What's he talking about?

Who says I'm old?

All right, then. Let's see who can do the most press -ups. Come on. I don't

to do any press -ups. All right, then. Hand wrestling. Come on, hand wrestling.

I don't want to do any hand wrestling. No, because you know that you'd lose.

what's the matter with me? I'll tell you what's the matter. You're both buzzing

round there like moths round a flame, and Archie's got his wings singed a bit,

that's all. To think that she could have had me in some of the clumsy fumblings

of a callow youth.

If you want to watch it, Norman, I know that.

He's going to have one of his attacks tonight.

He's going to have to call a nurse to his bedside, but not before he's

himself in aftershave and changed into his silk pyjamas. Am I right, Archie?

You are going to be privileged to watch an expert at work.

See and be amazed, cocoa maker.

You'd better leave her alone.

What are you going to do about it? For God's sake, calm down, both of you.

you see it's the tangled web all over again? This ward's become a seething

cauldron of emotion.

Emotion? You two don't know the meaning of the word.

Hello,

Sally.

Everything all right?

Yes, thank you, Ram.

Come and see if you've settled in.

You've settled in.

I'm glad you've settled in.

Yes, yes, I've settled in.

Yes, good, good.

It's strange when you think everyone is asleep but you and me.

Two people alone in a sleeping universe.

That's very poetical, Ram.

I am Indian. We are very poetical people.

Anything else, Ram?

Yes. A word of warning.

The men in there can be very troublesome.

What do you mean?

I would not trust them with my own grandmother.

Especially that patient Glover.

Gives all the nurses the hot glance.

Don't worry.

I can look after myself.

Do not give that yet. Let me do that.

Leave this to me.

Your servant at all times.

Kiss me, darling.

Keep him away from me!

You have been here too long, Archie.

You've forgotten what they look like.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. H -A -P -P -Y.

I see you've got to the difficult bit.

Get up with the damn thing.

They're not like you, Norman, all impatience and language.

Don't tell me basket weaving's losing its magic.

You know what's the matter. It's Bally. I can never get a moment alone with her.

I'm not surprised. It's just like Tangled Web.

There's you fluttering your beautiful hands, Thorpe knocking her out to skew,

Glover pursuing her with panthery strides. Every time you turn round, the

colour's draining from somebody's lips or they're digging their nails into

palms. I never thought it would be like this.

I wondered why Ethel P. Dodds was always going on about heart lurching and

leaping and smudges of weariness. Last time I felt like this, I had flu.

Word. It's a kind of sickness in a way, isn't it? What is?

Love.

You're in love, mate.

Am I?

Oh, yes.

How do you know?

Oh, I've been there. I know the signs.

Oh, I wish I did. I wish I could be sure.

You'll know.

You'll change.

You'll feel the sudden impulse to pat small boys on the head and give them

things. You find yourself weakening the pictures for no apparent reason.

You spend hours looking at yourself in your underpants.

Now you mention it, I've just spent ages in the bathroom trying to see my

shoulder blades.

There you are, you see? You're in love. It's a sure sign when you become

preoccupied with your appearance.

You know what Glover's doing now?

Having a mud pack.

Well, I must say, he's been acting a bit strange.

Well, of course he is. He's not getting anywhere, is he?

He keeps asking, mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of us all? And

the answer's always the same. Not you, me old cock.

What have you got there? Wouldn't you like to know? Let me see. No. What is

Only a picture of her.

How did you get that?

Supposing I said that she gave it to me. She didn't give it to you. You took it.

Never mind how I got it. It's mine. And what's more, I'm going to keep it by the

side of my bed. No, you're not. Yes, I am.

Every night before I go to sleep, I'm going to give her a great big kiss like

this. No, you won't give it to me. Give it to me.

I've got a piece. I've got a piece. What have you got? I've got her ear.

Well, give it back.

I won't look big about her ear. A sweet, adorable little ear.

Oh, he's spoilt it, the little pipsqueak. Oh, for God's sake, Archie,

her ear hole.

Only her ear hole?

That's the ear hole of the most beautiful girl who ever breathed. You

really believe that, Archie. It's because she's more interested in Norman.

You're jealous.

Jealous? I haven't got a jealous bone in my body. Why should I be jealous of

that little creep? Can't you see, Archie? They're drawn to each other.

I know who you are. I've been wondering for some time. You're not a lorry driver

at all. You're Ethel P.

Dodds. Can't you see?

It's youth calling to youth.

I knew you'd bring my age into it. You know, it must be a constant surprise to

you that I can walk without the aid of a stick. Well, I don't care what you say.

I'm going to stick this on the end of my bed.

And if he comes near it, I'll throttle him.

Ah. Now, now, how are you feeling? I understand you're having some restless

night. Do you want to give a point of me to sleep?

No, thank you.

I don't want my senses dulled, if you don't mind.

I want to feel everything.

Yes, but I don't want nurse to be in her feet all night.

Neither do I, Doctor.

Well, that's where you'll feel.

What's this?

Only a picture.

What's it doing here?

We can't have this.

They'll have to be removed.

Seymour Carew took the picture in his strong square fingers and slipped it

his top pocket.

Now she was close to his heart.

He could hardly wait to get back to his room so that he could devour her fresh

beauty. What's this figure? We're just reading aloud, Doctor.

Let me see.

Really, this is rubbish figures.

Aren't you the one to devour her fresh beauty? Perhaps the canteen's closed.

You shouldn't read stuff like this because it bears no resemblance to real

I'm not so sure.

It's amazing how life tends to imitate cheap literature, Doctor.

Rubbish.

If you're looking for our left ear, old Norman's got it.

Hey, where's Archie?

Taking his curlers out.

I wish you'd stop chasing after her.

I wish you'd stop staring at her ear hole.

I can't help it, Steve.

What am I going to do?

I'll tell you what happens in Tangled Web.

Late at night, see, Gerald rings the bell and in comes Nurse Clare.

He asks her to straighten his pillows and she leans over and he whispers

something in a low voice.

She puts her ear hole next to his mouth and before she knows where she is, he's

given her a belter.

He doesn't have much of a charm.

That's what Gerald thought.

But he had this friend, genial Jim Merriweather, an older man, kindly and

thoughtful, who was suffering intense pain without a word of complaint.

You know, it's amazing how the characters in this book resemble real

What did Jim Merriweather do?

He put in a good word for him, didn't he? Now, off you go and leave this to

Go where?

Well, get that beard down to the epidermis. You could play havoc with a

skin. Go on, off you go.

Oh, nurse, I wonder if you'd just check my dressing.

Certainly, Mr. Piggins.

Nice lad, isn't he?

Who? Norman.

Nice hands, lovely white teeth.

Finest hair you've ever seen.

Hey, stop it, nurse, you're tickling me.

Stop it. I'll have you know I'm a married man.

I'll take a look at that, nurse.

About the most popular infection, I believe.

What is that you deserve, nurse?

Don't smile.

You're leaning on it, Doctor.

Too much to ask? Just one smile?

Smile, for God's sake.

You have nothing to say.

I'm the master.

Well, that's all, Mr. George.

Yes, thank you, nurse. Oh, thank God for that.

Yes. That's really just rubbish, are you? This isn't rubbish, Doctor. Ethel

Dodds is a shrewd judge of human nature.

What she's described here is your classic eternal triangle.

Seymour Carew, gentleman surgeon and man about town, is in love with this

beautiful young nurse. But he had a rival, this wily oriental straight from

Kama Sutra.

Why the oriental? He'll stop at nothing. He'll go to any lengths.

What sort of lengths?

Like telling his wife.

His wife? But she won't believe it. Until she comes to the hospital and

him together. Even then, she behaves with simple dignity. She makes one last

gesture to save her marriage.

What's that?

She transfixes him with one of his own scalpels.

It's all in the book, Doctor.

While you're in, Doctor.

Thank you, figures. I'll bear that in mind.

What do you think you're doing, Gupta?

She's not over here.

So you thought you drew some flower arranging?

What about your patience?

You're supposed to be in duty, not sniffing flowers.

You've certainly changed since that girl came in the war, Gupta.

And what about you?

All this younger than springtime.

Don't think I haven't noticed.

You look ridiculous.

What would your wife say?

Ah, I wondered when you were going to get to that. So that's your game, is it?

Well, let me warn you, we have ways with blackmailers in this country, Gupta.

I'll deny everything.

There's nothing in writing.

I wouldn't say I wasn't tempted, but I resisted Gupta.

After all, I'm a married man, a member of the choral society, treasurer of the

badminton club. Do you think I'd hazard all that in some wild fling? No.

You don't?

Yes.

Good.

You know, you should take up badminton, Gupta. Good for you.

Vigorating exercise, cold showers.

It would soon drive away all those impure thoughts.

I think I'll go down to the pharmacy and pick up some tablets.

Yes, well, I think I'll come with you and make sure you get there.

Well, are you going to ring that bell or aren't you?

Well, I'm not going to do it in front of Archie. He'd laugh.

No, he won't because he's not here.

What do you mean he's not here? He's gone.

What happened to him?

He, uh, dropped off early, so I took him for a little ride.

You can't do that. Oh, I've done it.

Where did you leave him? Never mind where I left him. You ring that bell.

I think I'll wait just a bit longer. You're not getting cold feet, are you?

Well, get on with it. Remember the words of Ethel P. Dodds, seize the moment

only the lifetime of regret.

I'm not laughing. Get on with it. There's no one here.

You're here.

Well, I won't look.

Did you think I was going to look?

Well, that's nice, isn't it? I'm your friend, genial Jim Merriweather. Oh,

hurts, that does. I'm sorry, Steve.

Ring that pleading bell.

You've always said you wanted to do something more with your life.

Well, I really meant going abroad. This beats going abroad, mate.

What's that?

Do you think I could have a glass of water?

Or and.

trembled slightly as she hit it at the glass.

Once again, she felt the sheer animal magnetism of this fine, handsome youth.

What's the matter? Can't you sleep?

No, I was just thirsty. I'll be all right now.

Well, good night, then.

Nurse, do you think you could straighten my pillows for me?

Oh, yes, certainly.

Nurse, I... What is it, Norman?

Good night, then.

She kissed me, Fig.

She kissed me. Yeah.

On the mouth. Yeah.

With both lips.

Yeah. It was great.

I thought she'd slap my face.

So did I.

And I'll tell you something else. So did Ethel P. Dodds.

What do you mean?

He did it in the book. I know.

And she slapped his face.

Didn't you tell me? Why should I?

Ah, who's Ethel P. Dodds anyway? Probably some poofter in a buckle belt

sailor trousers.

What have you done with Archie? Don't you worry about Archie.

I've got a feeling when he wakes up, he's going to be a very happy man.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.