All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s01e04 The Man With The Face

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y. I know I am, I'm sure
I am. He's H

-A -P -P -Y.

I've got your book, Archie. Thank you,
Norman.

Just plump my pillows, will you?

Let me tuck you in. You've made it all
roly -poly.

Careful. Hello, what's this? It looks
like blood.

What? Oh, my God, I've hemorrhaged.

Get me the nurse, quick.

No, no, it's all right. It's tomato
sauce.

I wish you wouldn't frighten me like
that.

I've got enough to worry about.

How's the pain, Archie?

Don't talk to me about pain, Norman.

I know all about pain.

I've been there. I lived with it.

Just don't ask me to talk about it. Oh,
my God.

Sorry, Archie. I don't think I can stand
much more than this. Who do you think

you are, Florence Beard in Nightingale?

What do you mean?

You know what I mean. I've been watching
you. You've been cutting up his meat,

peeling his grapes, moistening his lips
with a damp flannel. You'd think no one

had ever had an operation before.

Please, Figgis, not now. I haven't got
the strength to argue.

Well, what's the matter with you all of
a sudden? I've got post -operative

depression.

I don't know what came over me. I
suddenly thought of mother and... Oh,

Never mind that. Do you read your book?

What is it, the ABC of hypochondria?

No, British birds.

Oh, you're feeling better then.

Real birds.

Oh, just look at that plumage.

You know, Norman, we go around with our
eyes shut.

We ought to live every day as though it
were our last. Yes, and one day we'll be

right.

I used to be like that, you know, proud,
unruffled. Just look at me now.

I was like these birds, thought I'd live
forever.

Do you know that man is the only animal
who knows he's going to die?

That's very interesting.

No, it isn't. How does he know? Has he
ever talked to a ruddy rabbit?

Ignore him, Archie. Look, he's had a
simple operation. I don't know what all

fuss is about.

No one peeled grapes for me.

Is that a kestrel?

Please don't read over my shoulder
figures.

Is there anything else I can do to help?

Well, yes, there is something.

Would you look out of the window?

Is there a man outside, swarthy, dark
moustache -like suit?

No, no, that's the third time you've
asked me that, Archie. Who is it, the

Mafia? No, no, it's just some strange
fancy. I keep thinking there's this man

outside. It must be my mind playing
tricks.

He's rambling.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter now?

I want a tinkle.

Oh, not again.

I'll fetch a bottle.

Look, do we have to have all this? It's
a perfectly good place down the

corridor. Listen, Figgis, there's
nothing I'd like more than to point

the porcelain again.

I'm supposed to be having a complete
rest. Well, you're certainly getting

a whistle for you, Archie. Oh, yes,
thank you, Norman.

That's it. I can't stand it. I'd rather
watch Open University than this. So

what's the matter? What's the matter? 30
years of the National Health Service,

the proudest jewel in Labour's crown,
and I've got to watch you waiting hand

foot on this Tory twallop? Now you're
even whistling for him. Some people will

always be serfs at heart.

Just a minute, Archie. I'm going to have
a word with him.

No, Norman, wait.

Nurse!

You could try being a bit more
sympathetic, Fig.

Why? You've got enough sympathy for both
of us. Well, I feel sorry for him. It's

no good feeling sorry. Look where that's
got you.

Keeper of Glover's bedpan.

You want to remember the work -in -class
struggle, mate. Remember what he is.

Oh, does it matter?

Anyway, now they've taken our clothes,
who knows what we are?

The past's behind us.

His isn't. It's catching up with him.

That's why he wanted the bed by the
window.

All that rubbish about wanting to see
the daffodils tossing their heads in

sprightly dance. He wanted to keep a
lookout for his swarthy fellow in the

suit. Don't you know what that is?

That's a symbol of death.

Do me a favour. That's not your symbol
of death.

You don't understand. We all have our
own personal image, and that, Archie...

Listen, if Glover had a personal image,
it wouldn't be like that.

He'd be wearing cavalry twills and
hacking jacket.

His idea of heaven is where you all
drink gin and tonic and God struts

with a shooting stick.

I don't know about that, but what I'm
saying is it's all in his mind.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if it's all in his mind, who's
that out there?

Swarthy, dark moustache, light suit.

Crikey! Oh, you can see him as well, can
you? I'll say one thing for Archie,

he's got a powerful imagination.

Well, who do you think he is?

I don't know.

But judging by the way he's pruning his
nails with that knife, I don't think

he's a visiting chiropodist.

Do you think we ought to tell him? Of
course we ought to tell him.

I wouldn't miss this for words.

How are you feeling, Archie? Oh, much
better now. Thank you, Roy. Good,

you've got a visitor.

Swarthy, dark moustache, light suit out
there.

What? I think he's come to make you an
offer you can't refuse.

You've got to help me, Roy. Have I?

Well, don't look like that.

He threatened to cut my liver out. What
shall I do?

Tell him you're having it done on the
National Earth.

Look, I wouldn't ask, but I'm a sick
man. I need help.

You wouldn't pass by on the other side,
would you? Yes.

No, you wouldn't.

You know what they say about you round
here? If you're in trouble, go to

Figgy's.

Do they? Yeah.

And you know why?

Because they trot your fig.

Oh, I wouldn't say that. It's true.

Everyone knows under that rough exterior
you're all hot.

Oh, I don't know. What do you mean? What
bleeding rough exterior?

He just means that you're the salt of
the earth, Fig. Always ready to defend

weak against the strong.

Everybody knows that.

I'm not just saying that.

I know you're not.

You would never ignore a cry for help.

That's true.

Good. I knew I could depend on you.
What?

Hey, he's coming in.

Well, tell him I'm not here. We can't do
that. Look, what's all this about,

anyway?

Well... Look, I hope you won't judge me
too harshly, but it's the old story, I'm

afraid, of two people who thought they
were in love.

Strike me. I wouldn't have thought he
was your type.

I'm not talking about him. It's this
girl, Anna.

We had this... stormy relationship.

Oh, yes, what do you mean, stormy
relationship?

Well, you know how it is, Figgy. Oh,
yes, I know how it is, all right.

A full moon, intoxicating perfume, eyes
of fire, skin the texture of silk.

Oh, yes, what was she like?

Wonderful, wild, passionate.

The pictures fell from the wall that
night, Fig.

What do you mean, the pictures fell from
the wall?

Anyway... Nikos found out about it. He's
a fiancé and he's sworn revenge.

He's Greek and they take this sort of
thing very seriously.

They say he's very handy with a knife.
Now, what do you mean the pictures fell

from the wall?

Well, if you think I'm confronting an
enraged Greek with a knife in his hand,

you're very much mistaken. What do you
mean the pictures fell from the wall?

Will you shut up? How does he know I'm
here?

Well, maybe he thinks you've had an
accident. Either that or he's going to

arrange one. Look, all you've got to do
is hide me.

What do you expect me to do, drop you
down the laundry chute?

Please!

Oh, all right. Norman, go and keep an
eye out for him.

What are you going to do? Never mind.
Just leave it to me.

I thought I was safe in hospital. In
this place, you must be joking. I don't

want to worry you, but people have been
known to die in here.

What are you doing?

Just shut up and give me a hand.

Oh, hello.

What can I do for you? I'm looking for a
man.

Oh, you've come to the wrong place,
mate. We've all had surgery.

Who is the one behind the curtain?

Shh! Keep your voice down.

He's in a bad way.

It's no good talking to him. He hasn't
spoken since he came in here.

Have you seen him yet? Except for the
ordinary man.

Seen who? Who does he mean? Oh, he's
rambling.

He's referring to D -E -A -T -H.

That? Shh!

That's the word we don't use around
here.

It's an image that haunts us day and
night.

I think I take a look behind the door.
No, no, you mustn't. Oh, no.

Sorry, I didn't realise what happened to
him.

A hotel fire.

His plane crashed an hotel.

He was lucky to get out alive.

They had to cut him out of the wreckage.
Left quite a bit behind.

It must have been terrible. Oh, yes, it
was. Yes, it was terrible. Mind you, it

did have its bright side. Do you know
when they got him out of there, his

was still keeping perfect time?

He'd have been all right if he hadn't
gone back for the others.

Just an heroic fool, that's all.

Yeah. Well, it seems I've made a
mistake.

The man I'm looking for is a cowardly
snake.

Oh, perhaps I've seen him. What's he
look like? Oh, he thinks he's so

you know?

Always he's looking in front of the
mirror.

Always with the comb. Always the
handkerchief from out of his sleeve, you

He sounds nauseating.

You're wrong, my woman. That swine. Then
he abandoned her.

You know what you've got there, mate,
don't you? You've got your vile seducer

there. Doesn't love anybody but himself.
Thinks he's God's gift to women. Yes, I

know someone just like that. If he was
chocolate, he'd eat himself.

My advice is forget him. I cannot forget
him.

It's an insult which can only be wiped
out in blood.

That's another word we don't use around
here. Now you've upset him again.

We were hoping to take the bandages off
this morning, once we'd covered up the

mirrors.

Yes, you're right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Forgive me. I'll go now.

Goodbye. Goodbye, Nikos.

How did you know my name?

Didn't you say?

No, I don't think so.

I smell snakes.

I think I have a look behind his back.
No, no, I didn't think I... I'll come

back later. You've been lying to me.

Very

good,

piggies.

What's the matter with Glover? He's like
the dicky bird. He's feeling a bit

willow -tit -willow this morning.

Now, Glover, no need to hide. I want to
have a good look at you. I don't think

he can face it today, Doctor.

Nonsense. It's only an appendix. No harm
done. Better off without it. Come on,

old son. Give me a big smile.

N -J -P -P -Y.

I know what I'm talking about, Gupta. I
said bandages, and I mean bandages.

Why is Glover wearing bandages all round
his head?

Come on now, Glover, show him your
bandages.

What bandages?

The bandages you are wearing, where are
they?

This is your idea of a joke lover. It's
not very funny. It certainly isn't. Mr

Thorpe's got to operate this afternoon.
Look at their hands.

He couldn't cut his dinner with them.

It's not on.

Thank you, Figgis. You all right?

At least someone here is taking this
seriously. Perhaps you can explain. Why

he wearing those bandages?

What bandages?

Don't you start, Figgis.

Go down. I want a word with you.

Yes, what are they up to?

Figures was definitely covering for him.

Mind you, it is possible that Glover is
suffering a personality disorder brought

on by surgery, which causes him to
regress into himself and lose his

Hence the desire to be faceless, which
manifests itself in his schizophrenic

behaviour with the bandages.

You mean to say he's gone bananas?

You could put it like that.

He looks sane enough to me.

But how do you explain the bandages?

What bandages?

Don't you start. All I know is I have
not seen any bandages. And that muscle

your face is spitting again.

What? Now, wait a minute, Gupta. I'm not
the one who's going bananas.

Oh, no.

You don't see me standing around talking
to myself.

No, it's not going to stop.

By the clear rationale of mine, I'm not
given to fancies. I don't see things

that aren't there.

He's still there.

What's he doing? Throwing his knife into
a tree.

I think maybe he's waiting till it gets
dark.

I don't think this is a good idea. Of
course it's a good idea. Come on, let's

have a look at you.

My God, the return of the invisible man.

Come on, get in the glover's bed.

I don't want to. Come on. We've been
eating biscuits again. At least he all

worries. What do you mean? If there's
going to be any violence... There won't

any violence. He's looking for somebody
swathed in bandages. But when he finds

out that it's you and not me, he'll be
satisfied.

But when I take them off, he's going to
expect some horrible, ghastly sight.

What makes you think he's going to be
disappointed?

I'm not a horrible, ghastly sight. You
will be if you don't get into this bed.

Look, am I asking too much, Norman?

After all, I had your operation.

Yes, but you had an anaesthetic.

Look, you know what I would say if I
were in your position?

It's a far, far better thing that I do
now than I've ever done.

It's a far, far better thing.

Who said that? Sidney Carlton. That's
wonderful.

Did he say anything else? Not a lot. It
was just before they cut his head off.

What?

He's gone.

He must be somewhere in the building.

Right, quick.

Oh, dear. What's the matter?

I'm getting my prickly heat again. Oh.

of me. I didn't know you'd had an
accident.

Oh, I said such terrible things about
you. Please say you forgive me or I'll

kill myself.

Do you forgive your Anna?

Yeah.

Well, why didn't you send me a message?
If I hadn't followed Nikos, I knew he'd

found you. All day he sharpens the
knife.

Why didn't you tell me you were here?

I know. You wanted to face this alone.

Oh, you're so brave. You're so noble.

Am I hurting you?

No. No?

How can I make you understand?

Nothing matters except I love you. Feel
my heart.

Feel how she beats.

Like a bird struggling to be free.

Can you feel it?

Yeah.

And I can feel yours. See? I cover it
with kisses.

Oh!

Oh!

My poor darling, are you strong enough
for visitors?

Yes, yes!

You must want to rest.

I'll leave you. I'll wait down the
corridor. If you need me, you send for

I'll come. Don't go.

No, no, you must be tired.

Sagapo, my darling.

Sagapo.

What does sagapo mean?

It's Greek. It means I love you and you
can wipe that smile off your face.

How do you know I'm smiling?

After that, anybody would be smiling.

She said she loved me. No, she didn't.
She said she loved me.

She was speaking to me.

She was speaking to a crepe bandage.

I've got a bit of sweet pudding under
there for all she knew.

Come to think of it, there's a strong
resemblance.

Now you've upset him. Do you think he's
jealous? Of course he's jealous.

I think I'll go down there and tell her
not to wait. Oh, no, you won't. You stay

here. Wait for Nikos. I'll leave you a
few minutes. Oh, yes.

Look, I know how you must feel.

Being cooped up in here.

You're bound to get them sooner or
later.

Get what? Impure thoughts.

I'm not getting impure thoughts.

I've always had them.

I understand how you feel, Norman. After
all, she is a magnificent woman.

Dark -eyed, fiery, Latin good looks. But
just remember, they go to seed very

early. She'll be fat before she's 40.

I wasn't going to be that long. Just a
few minutes.

Where is it going to lead? There's no
future in it.

You can't go through life wearing a
crepe bandage.

Well, perhaps you'll like me for myself.

She might, but I wouldn't depend on it.

And don't forget you've got your body
cells to consider. You think you've got

prickly heat. You don't know what
prickly heat is. Your circuitry's going

Hormones are leaping about all over the
place.

Adrenaline's flowing.

Is your mouth dry? Yes. There you are,
you see. You're dehydrating. This won't

do you any good at all, Norman. You've
just had an operation.

How are your white cells going to feel?
How are your coagulants going to feel?

I'll tell you, mate, they'll be
knackered.

I suppose you're right. Of course I'm
right.

Hey, where are you going? Never mind
where I'm going. You just wait for

Look out, body shells!

Morning.

Oh, my darling, you shouldn't have come.

I have. No, but you shouldn't be on your
feet.

I hope I won't be for long.

Sagapose!

Uh, Anna, if you find I've changed, you
won't mind, will you? Oh, no.

I know you've changed. Even your voice
is different.

But I don't care.

And I don't care if you go to seed.

What? Do you know something?

It's a far, far better thing I do now
than I've ever, ever done.

Someone's coming.

It's seeing things again.

Take a hold of yourself, Gordon.

It's all in the mind.

Nothing to fear but fear itself.

Just overworking there. It's all just
pure mental exhaustion. Of course

nothing here.

I'll go through fire and flood for you.
Oh, you've no idea what it's like being

stuck in here. It's very frustrating.

You get to thinking about skin the
texture of silk, eyes like fire,

perfume. You can go bonkers. But I
don't... Stop ago, you little raver.

Someone's coming. Quick, hide.

Ah, Anna.

Nikos. Where is he? What do you want?

I want your lover.

Can't you get one of your own? Oh.

me, Anna. I've come for revenge.

Where is he? He's not here.

I don't believe you. Well, why, perhaps
you'd like to search the room. Why don't

you have a look in the cupboard?

I will.

Now what have you to say, huh?

Deny he's your lover.

Well, if he's my lover, who is behind
the curtain?

What?

My God!

My God, don't tell me they're
multiplying.

Which one of you is Archie Glover?

Is it you?

Is it you?

And where is he?

Hello.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, my God.

There you are.

Cowering in the background.

You're cowered. You're a big
multicolored...

He's not even worth my anger. You take
him. No, I don't want him. He's trying

make a fool of me. No, you obviously
prepared him to me. You have him.

No, I never want to see him again.

Take him.

Very well.

Get out of here before I change my mind.

You.

You could have been in intensive care.

Now, I've got a piece of picture of
minds gone.

A once brilliant intellect destroyed by
overwork.

The old marbles are completely
dislodged, and I'm seeing them

Take one of these tablets.

They'll make you feel a little better.

Are they safe?

Oh, yes. I take them all the time. They
make you a little salad, that is all.

None that are too any good.

No, it's the end of a brilliant career.
Who's going to trust me with a scalpel

after this? I could go gaga at any
moment.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y I'm H -A -P -P -Y I
know I am, I'm sure I

am I'm H -A -P -P -Y Yes, I'm H -A -P -P
-Y I'm H -A -P -P -Y

I know I...

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.